1 00:00:00,246 --> 00:00:01,288 Previously on Weeds. 2 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:02,855 I've been giving some thoughts to my cover business. 3 00:00:02,948 --> 00:00:03,972 What do you think about a bakery? 4 00:00:04,065 --> 00:00:05,394 These will satisfy your munchies 5 00:00:05,534 --> 00:00:08,777 and give you a long lasting, all body high. 6 00:00:08,870 --> 00:00:10,007 I'm ready to take orders. 7 00:00:10,101 --> 00:00:11,143 Fuck it! I'll take it all. 8 00:00:11,237 --> 00:00:14,768 Last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my Rover. 9 00:00:14,955 --> 00:00:17,336 You're still short for all the shit you're gonna wanna take this week. 10 00:00:17,388 --> 00:00:18,071 I'll be back. 11 00:00:18,162 --> 00:00:19,925 I don't like dealing with things. 12 00:00:20,029 --> 00:00:22,443 I much prefer to pretend they don't exist. 13 00:00:22,543 --> 00:00:23,154 Megan! 14 00:00:23,207 --> 00:00:24,243 Hey, Megan! 15 00:00:24,295 --> 00:00:26,193 Megan! Can you hear me? 16 00:00:26,335 --> 00:00:28,502 That deaf girl down on Dewey Street. 17 00:02:10,536 --> 00:02:11,230 Fire! Fire! 18 00:02:11,335 --> 00:02:13,120 Mom, what are you doing? There's a fire! 19 00:02:13,215 --> 00:02:15,980 If there's a fire, I'll run. Okay? 20 00:02:16,078 --> 00:02:19,740 Otherwise I'm gonna bash in the smoke alarm with the broom handle. 21 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:25,841 Andy? 22 00:02:25,935 --> 00:02:28,741 Sorry, Pants, I was trying to surprise you guys. 23 00:02:28,888 --> 00:02:29,691 Uncle Andy! 24 00:02:29,785 --> 00:02:30,491 Hey! 25 00:02:31,088 --> 00:02:34,803 Yes, I'm digging the love! 26 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,363 I missed you! 27 00:02:36,468 --> 00:02:37,590 So how was Alaska? 28 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,533 Alaska was so beautiful. 29 00:02:40,866 --> 00:02:42,331 In the summer, you can party all night. 30 00:02:42,426 --> 00:02:45,861 Then it got dark and I met this psycho girl who tried to bring me up on charges. 31 00:02:45,938 --> 00:02:47,212 How did you get in here? 32 00:02:47,456 --> 00:02:49,022 I'll swear I'll pay for the window. 33 00:02:49,118 --> 00:02:50,302 I didn't wanna wake you. 34 00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:53,303 I'm joking! I'm joking! I'm joking! 35 00:02:54,986 --> 00:02:56,220 You guys wanna help me make breakfast? 36 00:02:56,316 --> 00:02:58,212 Silas, I need you squeezing the oranges. 37 00:02:58,355 --> 00:02:59,833 Shane, I need you making the coffee. 38 00:03:00,258 --> 00:03:01,393 Sorry about the grease fire. 39 00:03:01,537 --> 00:03:02,813 That bacon really spits up. 40 00:03:03,047 --> 00:03:06,521 Shane, go get a broom so I can bash your uncle Andy with it. 41 00:03:06,628 --> 00:03:10,392 Come on, Nancy Pantsy! I'm making eggs Florentine. 42 00:03:10,485 --> 00:03:11,573 Don't call me Pants. 43 00:03:11,668 --> 00:03:12,613 Pantalones? 44 00:03:12,755 --> 00:03:14,081 Oh shit, you? 45 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,311 Hey, Lupita! 46 00:03:15,455 --> 00:03:17,403 I know you missed me. How about a hug? 47 00:03:18,246 --> 00:03:20,202 I'm no cleaning up his mess. 48 00:03:20,348 --> 00:03:22,290 Uncle Andy, did you bring us anything? 49 00:03:22,387 --> 00:03:23,233 Of course! 50 00:03:23,335 --> 00:03:24,111 Look who you're talking to. 51 00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:26,230 Go get my duffle in the guest room, the black one. 52 00:03:26,328 --> 00:03:28,140 Not the green, okay? Stay out of the green. 53 00:03:28,235 --> 00:03:29,753 Guest room? Guest room? 54 00:03:29,847 --> 00:03:32,462 I guess I could sleep with Lupita. 55 00:03:32,605 --> 00:03:35,081 I do love the fiery latinas. 56 00:03:36,496 --> 00:03:37,840 Know this, Lupita, 57 00:03:37,945 --> 00:03:39,201 until you learn to love me, 58 00:03:39,817 --> 00:03:41,670 I've got enough love for both of us. 59 00:03:42,045 --> 00:03:45,380 How did you and Judah emerge from the same woman? 60 00:03:45,508 --> 00:03:46,160 I know. 61 00:03:46,257 --> 00:03:48,861 What family gets blessed with not one but two studs? 62 00:03:49,186 --> 00:03:50,612 Okay, everybody gather. 63 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:51,930 First, 64 00:03:52,786 --> 00:03:54,010 young Silas, 65 00:03:54,675 --> 00:03:55,660 that is for you. 66 00:03:55,947 --> 00:03:56,842 Awesome. 67 00:03:56,988 --> 00:03:58,020 So, does it work? 68 00:03:58,116 --> 00:03:59,180 Yeah, for about another 3 weeks, 69 00:03:59,287 --> 00:04:02,382 then you're gonna wanna scratch off the serial number and get a new service plan. 70 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:03,990 Okay, for mamma, 71 00:04:07,556 --> 00:04:08,590 What's that? 72 00:04:09,628 --> 00:04:10,860 For your neck, right? 73 00:04:10,955 --> 00:04:12,383 You're always talking about how your neck hurts. 74 00:04:12,475 --> 00:04:14,092 - Andy, this is... - Take it. 75 00:04:16,385 --> 00:04:18,190 For my neck, of course. 76 00:04:18,246 --> 00:04:19,850 Thank you. Lupita. 77 00:04:20,985 --> 00:04:23,650 I'll put it in your bedroom, next to the little one. 78 00:04:23,745 --> 00:04:24,740 What about me? 79 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:26,913 Oh... I don't... 80 00:04:27,478 --> 00:04:28,563 Oh! 81 00:04:29,226 --> 00:04:30,173 Best for last! 82 00:04:30,268 --> 00:04:30,902 No way! 83 00:04:30,997 --> 00:04:32,280 No! No way ! 84 00:04:32,328 --> 00:04:33,601 Come on, I'll teach him how to use it. 85 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:34,882 Shane Li, hand it over. 86 00:04:34,937 --> 00:04:35,640 Andy! 87 00:04:35,736 --> 00:04:37,683 I'll hold on to those 'till we're in a better space. 88 00:04:38,575 --> 00:04:39,231 Who's hungry? 89 00:04:39,317 --> 00:04:40,733 Everybody, go sit down! 90 00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:49,061 Andy... 91 00:04:50,058 --> 00:04:51,960 how long are you planning on staying? 92 00:04:52,236 --> 00:04:53,652 Don't worry, I'll help out. 93 00:04:54,037 --> 00:04:54,882 How long? 94 00:04:55,868 --> 00:04:58,242 Just 'till I figure some things out. 95 00:04:58,346 --> 00:04:59,143 Like? 96 00:04:59,336 --> 00:05:00,231 I don't know. 97 00:05:00,558 --> 00:05:01,793 My life. 98 00:05:02,408 --> 00:05:03,250 Sure. 99 00:05:04,006 --> 00:05:04,943 That. 100 00:05:07,478 --> 00:05:08,613 Good to see you, Pants. 101 00:05:08,985 --> 00:05:10,413 It's good to be a family. 102 00:05:11,676 --> 00:05:12,513 Come on, let's eat! 103 00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:16,090 Hey, buddy! What are you doing? 104 00:05:16,796 --> 00:05:18,881 Just IMing my girlfriend. 105 00:05:18,987 --> 00:05:20,741 You don't need a credit card for that, do you? 106 00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:21,833 No. 107 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,731 Real girlfriend. Megan. She's deaf. 108 00:05:26,395 --> 00:05:29,101 Deaf Megan. She cute? 109 00:05:29,157 --> 00:05:31,583 Yeah, she's totally cute. 110 00:05:33,748 --> 00:05:35,021 Yeah. 111 00:05:36,097 --> 00:05:37,332 She doesn't look deaf. 112 00:05:37,426 --> 00:05:38,510 She can't hear anything? 113 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,370 That's what deaf means. 114 00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:43,800 Man, how did you get so smart at what? 16? 115 00:05:43,895 --> 00:05:47,812 Took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. 116 00:05:47,905 --> 00:05:50,281 I once went out with this chick with a baby arm: 117 00:05:50,335 --> 00:05:52,371 insane in the sack. 118 00:05:52,516 --> 00:05:56,001 Plus, when she grabbed my dick with her little hand, it looked gigantic. 119 00:05:56,378 --> 00:05:58,952 So how you talk to her? 120 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,420 We just mostly hang out and stuff. 121 00:06:01,516 --> 00:06:02,852 You should learn Braille. 122 00:06:02,936 --> 00:06:04,273 You mean sign language? 123 00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,451 Whatever. 124 00:06:05,596 --> 00:06:06,530 What's this? 125 00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:07,813 That’s mine. 126 00:06:07,955 --> 00:06:10,192 Chris died for your sins! 127 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:11,020 Is that a joke? 128 00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:12,160 Yeah, on me. 129 00:06:12,257 --> 00:06:14,583 That's what happens when you outsource to fucking Malaysia. 130 00:06:14,685 --> 00:06:17,263 8-year-olds in a sweatshop can't spell for shit. 131 00:06:17,358 --> 00:06:20,760 See, I was trying to jump on board the whole red state Jesus thing. 132 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,453 The Fashion of the Christ. 133 00:06:22,546 --> 00:06:24,021 I end up with 3000 of these. 134 00:06:24,396 --> 00:06:25,580 Totally useless. 135 00:06:25,726 --> 00:06:27,720 Because if there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, 136 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,561 absolutely no sense of humor. 137 00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:32,703 Should have gone after the jew market. 138 00:06:32,855 --> 00:06:34,840 At least we can take a joke. 139 00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:39,083 Come on, Shane. 140 00:06:41,988 --> 00:06:43,033 Look who's here. 141 00:06:43,546 --> 00:06:46,352 Baby, it's "the early bird gets the worm". 142 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:47,590 Not the weed. 143 00:06:47,736 --> 00:06:49,662 Need to read up on your Bartlett's. 144 00:06:49,852 --> 00:06:51,565 My brother-in-law took the kids to school. 145 00:06:51,659 --> 00:06:53,223 I thought I'd get a jump on the day. 146 00:06:54,203 --> 00:06:55,344 Want some oatmeal? 147 00:06:55,437 --> 00:06:58,823 No, Andy made eggs Florentine. 148 00:06:58,916 --> 00:06:59,911 Andy? 149 00:07:00,427 --> 00:07:02,901 When that fancy cooking trouble get back in town? 150 00:07:02,996 --> 00:07:03,803 This morning. 151 00:07:03,897 --> 00:07:06,321 I woke up and there he was. 152 00:07:06,516 --> 00:07:10,090 Sort of like crotch crabs, only not as treatable, huh? 153 00:07:10,276 --> 00:07:11,800 I forgot you know him. 154 00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:13,650 I've been hoping to forget him. 155 00:07:14,215 --> 00:07:15,640 How did Andy and Conrad meet? 156 00:07:15,715 --> 00:07:18,191 I never got a straight answer out of either of them. 157 00:07:18,286 --> 00:07:19,990 They worked at circuit city together. 158 00:07:20,098 --> 00:07:21,462 Got caught stealing together. 159 00:07:21,546 --> 00:07:22,681 Got fired together. 160 00:07:22,967 --> 00:07:24,380 They go way back. 161 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,383 Never should've let that boy work retail. 162 00:07:26,996 --> 00:07:28,083 You're gonna need to come back later 163 00:07:28,177 --> 00:07:30,080 'cause we ain't got in everything you ordered yet. 164 00:07:30,175 --> 00:07:31,913 I've got 17 food orders to fill. 165 00:07:32,055 --> 00:07:34,191 Listen to Betty Cracker. 166 00:07:34,435 --> 00:07:37,140 You got bunches of that crap last time. 167 00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:38,282 You're out already? 168 00:07:38,428 --> 00:07:40,473 I've got some but not enough for what I need to make. 169 00:07:40,566 --> 00:07:42,081 My crowd loves to eat their smoke. 170 00:07:42,226 --> 00:07:45,371 I could hook you up with a little schwag if you're really crazy. 171 00:07:45,937 --> 00:07:47,121 Oh shit! 172 00:07:47,725 --> 00:07:50,060 I still have the gourmet fuck up in my kitchen. 173 00:07:50,168 --> 00:07:51,871 I'm never gonna get anything done. 174 00:07:51,996 --> 00:07:53,031 Oh fuck! 175 00:07:53,547 --> 00:07:54,492 I'm fucked! 176 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:57,683 You got a nasty mouth when you stress. 177 00:07:58,295 --> 00:07:59,570 You've got a pen? 178 00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:02,570 I'ma give you a number. 179 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:05,041 And you say I said it is okay for you to call. 180 00:08:05,466 --> 00:08:06,653 Who am I calling? 181 00:08:08,528 --> 00:08:09,620 The Candyman. 182 00:08:11,495 --> 00:08:12,831 Wear sporty shoes. 183 00:08:30,907 --> 00:08:34,253 Megan89: Are you home? 184 00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:37,183 Yeah. 185 00:08:38,597 --> 00:08:40,303 Me too. Sore throat. 186 00:08:40,867 --> 00:08:41,670 Bummer. 187 00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:44,072 What are you wearing? 188 00:08:46,465 --> 00:08:47,601 Take it off. 189 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:48,540 Okay. 190 00:08:53,118 --> 00:08:54,252 I tried to spread the word. 191 00:08:54,398 --> 00:08:56,242 I ate here everyday, invited people. 192 00:08:56,805 --> 00:08:57,701 "It's too ethnic!" 193 00:08:57,808 --> 00:08:59,993 "It's too spicy!" 194 00:09:00,238 --> 00:09:01,651 "Those people don't wash their hands!" 195 00:09:02,027 --> 00:09:04,023 What the fuck is wrong with these morons who go to 196 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,923 wait an hour in line in some 197 00:09:06,115 --> 00:09:08,152 fucking crappy Olive Garden 198 00:09:08,638 --> 00:09:10,483 and let a treasure like this go out of business? 199 00:09:10,528 --> 00:09:11,500 I can't take it. 200 00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:13,871 Doug, why are we here? 201 00:09:14,947 --> 00:09:16,373 Did you taste the Saag Alu? 202 00:09:17,028 --> 00:09:18,212 It's to die for. 203 00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,542 And then be reincarnated and to die for again. 204 00:09:20,786 --> 00:09:21,610 Why aren't you eating? 205 00:09:21,708 --> 00:09:22,980 I told you I ate already. 206 00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:23,883 Where? 207 00:09:23,925 --> 00:09:25,253 The Olive Garden. 208 00:09:25,307 --> 00:09:26,823 I wouldn't take a dump in the Olive Garden. 209 00:09:27,198 --> 00:09:29,240 I like the hot artichoke spinach dip. 210 00:09:29,758 --> 00:09:30,893 I can't even look at you. 211 00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:32,031 Okay, enough! Enough! 212 00:09:32,126 --> 00:09:35,321 I'm sure the Saag Alu is delicious. 213 00:09:36,177 --> 00:09:37,440 Well, that's incredible. 214 00:09:37,595 --> 00:09:40,063 Tell me this doesn't kick artichoke dip's ass! 215 00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:42,742 Tell me more. 216 00:09:43,075 --> 00:09:47,372 Are your nipples hard? Come on! 217 00:09:48,407 --> 00:09:52,601 Like shooting stars. Now you. 218 00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:57,162 No, more of you. Are you touching yourself? 219 00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:03,441 I'm parting the lips of my blushing vagina. 220 00:10:03,535 --> 00:10:05,341 Yes! Good. 221 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:14,063 Keep typing! 222 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,940 What do you think about this place as the bakery? 223 00:10:18,745 --> 00:10:20,973 I mean, location is pretty good. 224 00:10:21,326 --> 00:10:22,700 Kitchen's already set up. 225 00:10:22,846 --> 00:10:24,462 If you make something mediocre enough, 226 00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:25,933 You may even make a go at it. 227 00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:27,020 Legitimately. 228 00:10:27,217 --> 00:10:28,442 Let me think about it. 229 00:10:28,637 --> 00:10:30,531 Here you go, Mr. Wilson. 230 00:10:31,558 --> 00:10:33,201 20 orders for you. 231 00:10:33,338 --> 00:10:35,902 Remember to let them cool before you put them in the freezer. 232 00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:38,861 Mr. Bani, where will you go? 233 00:10:38,955 --> 00:10:42,163 We just bought in a Olive Garden franchise close by. 234 00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,233 You must come visit. 235 00:10:44,385 --> 00:10:45,511 Fuck Agrestic! 236 00:10:45,606 --> 00:10:46,600 Yes, sir. 237 00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:47,400 Okay. 238 00:10:47,916 --> 00:10:49,492 Pay when you're ready. 239 00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:51,702 When are my treats coming in? 240 00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:52,971 I'm having a little trouble 241 00:10:53,218 --> 00:10:55,753 getting my kitchen to myself lately but 242 00:10:55,836 --> 00:10:56,820 I'll let you know. 243 00:11:14,218 --> 00:11:16,932 Hey, Lupita. I was just thinking about you. 244 00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:19,863 It's for you. 245 00:11:22,477 --> 00:11:24,191 Wipe your hands. 246 00:11:32,998 --> 00:11:34,682 Yeah, this is Andy. 247 00:11:35,425 --> 00:11:36,853 Hey, Shane! 248 00:11:38,545 --> 00:11:39,351 Really? 249 00:11:40,328 --> 00:11:41,421 Awesome! 250 00:11:42,406 --> 00:11:44,472 Yeah, I'll bring the shirts. 251 00:11:45,457 --> 00:11:46,931 Let's say 15 minutes. 252 00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:48,322 Okay... 253 00:11:48,606 --> 00:11:50,083 Make it 20. 254 00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:50,830 Okay. 255 00:11:51,507 --> 00:11:56,401 Get your original "Chris died" t-shirts. Right here! Yeah! 256 00:11:56,496 --> 00:11:58,502 Only 10 dollars! Have your money ready! 257 00:11:58,618 --> 00:11:59,153 Here you go! 258 00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:01,582 It's one size fits all. It's gonna shrink a little bit. 259 00:12:01,725 --> 00:12:02,483 Oh yeah! 260 00:12:02,717 --> 00:12:05,431 Okay, that's for you. 261 00:12:05,528 --> 00:12:06,322 Uncle Andy. 262 00:12:06,845 --> 00:12:08,071 What? What? What? Hang on. 263 00:12:08,178 --> 00:12:08,871 Uncle Andy! 264 00:12:08,976 --> 00:12:11,173 Now remember, kids, Chris loves you. 265 00:12:11,255 --> 00:12:12,531 - Uncle Andy! - What? 266 00:12:12,618 --> 00:12:13,702 It's the principal. 267 00:12:14,965 --> 00:12:17,011 Oh shit, man! We were just heating up. 268 00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:18,432 Excuse me. 269 00:12:18,578 --> 00:12:20,753 Look, kids, Chris has risen. 270 00:12:21,368 --> 00:12:22,630 Wait! 271 00:12:29,856 --> 00:12:30,792 Oh no! 272 00:12:32,058 --> 00:12:33,860 Have you all seen these? 273 00:12:34,007 --> 00:12:35,620 They're all over the school! 274 00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:41,022 And as a christian, I must say 275 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,981 I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane. 276 00:12:44,316 --> 00:12:46,593 Has anyone talked to the principal about this? 277 00:12:46,686 --> 00:12:47,470 Who's Chris? 278 00:12:47,568 --> 00:12:48,380 Where's Celia? 279 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:49,791 I bet she'd have something to say. 280 00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,991 It's 10 minutes after, maybe we should start without her. 281 00:12:53,078 --> 00:12:53,922 Does anyone know how? 282 00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:55,060 Well, I think we need to 283 00:12:55,157 --> 00:12:57,583 and I think the first order of business should be these shirts. 284 00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:58,903 They're funny. 285 00:12:59,417 --> 00:13:00,650 Excuse me? 286 00:13:01,357 --> 00:13:05,613 I think you're making way too big a deal about it. It's a joke. 287 00:13:05,758 --> 00:13:09,082 We do not joke about our Lord, Jesus Christ. 288 00:13:10,726 --> 00:13:13,880 It's a stupid t-shirt. 289 00:13:15,056 --> 00:13:16,272 We should ignore it. 290 00:13:16,605 --> 00:13:20,333 Only one man died for my sins, Nancy, and his name wasn't Chris. 291 00:13:20,515 --> 00:13:23,131 Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname? 292 00:13:23,418 --> 00:13:26,802 If we make a big deal about it, in a week, it will become a full-blown trend. 293 00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:28,881 They're kids, it will become cool. 294 00:13:29,216 --> 00:13:31,883 Principal Dodge! Have you seen these blasphemes? 295 00:13:31,976 --> 00:13:32,920 Yes, Maggie, I have. 296 00:13:33,065 --> 00:13:34,642 Are you gonna do something about them? 297 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:35,692 I'm about to. 298 00:13:35,966 --> 00:13:37,803 Mrs. Botwin, would you mind coming into my office 299 00:13:37,906 --> 00:13:40,212 to discuss your son's little t-shirt business? 300 00:13:40,318 --> 00:13:41,630 Shane was selling them? 301 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:42,390 Yes. 302 00:13:42,486 --> 00:13:44,820 With some guy in a van who sped off. 303 00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:47,192 I'll never talk. 304 00:13:48,238 --> 00:13:48,882 Hey! 305 00:13:50,065 --> 00:13:51,500 What do you like better? 306 00:13:52,018 --> 00:13:53,341 "Jesus say relax" 307 00:13:53,536 --> 00:13:55,582 or "I'm too sexy for my Lord"? 308 00:13:55,657 --> 00:13:57,761 How about "Asshole ditched my 10-year-old". 309 00:13:59,068 --> 00:14:01,633 I admit it. I panicked. That guy had a whistle! 310 00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:03,902 They wanted to suspend him. 311 00:14:04,095 --> 00:14:04,993 For what? 312 00:14:05,317 --> 00:14:06,451 If Shane wants to believe in Chris 313 00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:08,262 and they try to suspend him for it... 314 00:14:08,587 --> 00:14:10,311 Wow! That's freedom of religion! 315 00:14:10,388 --> 00:14:11,883 That's like the first commandment. 316 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,073 We can nail them on that. 317 00:14:13,158 --> 00:14:17,160 I don't think Chris is protected under freedom of religion, Andy. 318 00:14:17,455 --> 00:14:19,641 In fact, the angry christian moms 319 00:14:19,727 --> 00:14:23,062 I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it. 320 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,553 Well, that's so intolerant. 321 00:14:25,635 --> 00:14:27,793 I mean, what would Jesus do? 322 00:14:28,636 --> 00:14:32,433 Religious bullshit aside, you don't wanna know 323 00:14:32,577 --> 00:14:35,432 how far I had to crawl up the principal's ass 324 00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:37,372 just to keep you two out of trouble. 325 00:14:37,555 --> 00:14:43,100 Not to mention, the unbelievable amount of shit I'm gonna get from those 326 00:14:43,285 --> 00:14:46,331 hypochristian bitch moms tomorrow. 327 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,092 I was just trying to pitch in, 328 00:14:49,197 --> 00:14:51,603 earn a little money. 329 00:14:51,697 --> 00:14:53,702 I saw an opportunity to help the family and 330 00:14:53,885 --> 00:14:54,633 I took it. 331 00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:55,350 Really? 332 00:14:55,397 --> 00:14:57,003 It was for the family, huh? 333 00:14:57,665 --> 00:14:59,251 Where's the money? 334 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:03,462 Don't worry, I'll use it towards family expenses. 335 00:15:04,085 --> 00:15:04,513 Hello? 336 00:15:04,575 --> 00:15:05,892 I gotta cover my other expenses. 337 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:06,643 Yeah, I did call. 338 00:15:06,746 --> 00:15:07,943 Thanks for getting back to me. 339 00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:09,450 Can you hold on a second, please? 340 00:15:10,427 --> 00:15:12,662 Go away, I have to take this call. 341 00:15:13,198 --> 00:15:13,793 Who is it? 342 00:15:13,887 --> 00:15:15,332 None of your business. Get out of here. 343 00:15:15,636 --> 00:15:16,872 Why? You got a boyfriend? 344 00:15:17,058 --> 00:15:19,530 Isn't it a little soon? Maybe I should take my vibrator back. 345 00:15:19,637 --> 00:15:20,711 Fine, Angry! 346 00:15:20,867 --> 00:15:22,422 God! Keep the vibrator! 347 00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:28,770 Thanks for getting back to me... um... Candyman. 348 00:15:41,205 --> 00:15:42,283 You're the Candyman? 349 00:15:42,478 --> 00:15:43,222 Yes. 350 00:15:43,645 --> 00:15:45,110 You're getting any exercise? 351 00:15:45,398 --> 00:15:46,241 Excuse me? 352 00:15:46,385 --> 00:15:48,052 If you're not committed to personal fitness, 353 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,311 I can't in good conscience sell to you. 354 00:15:50,547 --> 00:15:52,972 I wouldn't say Heylia is in the best shape. 355 00:15:53,257 --> 00:15:54,821 Heylia is a lazy fat-fat 356 00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:58,461 and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma so I have no problem selling to her. 357 00:15:58,835 --> 00:15:59,523 Why? 358 00:15:59,808 --> 00:16:00,701 Scare her. 359 00:16:00,947 --> 00:16:04,062 Some people never learn until their life is on the line. 360 00:16:08,675 --> 00:16:09,861 You know what you are? 361 00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:11,222 What am I? 362 00:16:11,306 --> 00:16:12,320 Skinny-fat. 363 00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:14,382 And what are you gonna do about that? 364 00:16:14,565 --> 00:16:16,651 We're gonna start exercising right away. 365 00:16:16,878 --> 00:16:18,923 Don't humor me. I'm very serious. 366 00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:22,031 I used to weigh 314 pounds. 367 00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:24,783 Wow! Congratulations! 368 00:16:24,876 --> 00:16:25,523 The key: 369 00:16:26,048 --> 00:16:27,083 exercise. 370 00:16:27,466 --> 00:16:30,083 You know, I'm not buying for personal use. 371 00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:33,852 Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-fats? 372 00:16:33,945 --> 00:16:35,752 Well, they're smokers 373 00:16:36,177 --> 00:16:38,260 but it stands to reason that if they 374 00:16:38,508 --> 00:16:41,510 eat rather than smoke, they'll just be able to breath easier, 375 00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:44,103 should they decide to exercise. 376 00:16:44,578 --> 00:16:46,281 It's a reasonable assumption. 377 00:16:46,597 --> 00:16:49,522 And I hope you'll take it upon yourself to encourage them to do so. 378 00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:50,502 Of course! 379 00:16:50,645 --> 00:16:52,301 And I'll take everything you have. 380 00:16:52,608 --> 00:16:53,282 Really? 381 00:16:53,485 --> 00:16:53,893 Yeah. 382 00:16:54,155 --> 00:16:55,360 And? 383 00:16:55,457 --> 00:16:58,231 And I will make a greater effort to exercise. 384 00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,452 No, no. 385 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,202 And I will exercise. 386 00:17:02,437 --> 00:17:04,481 Yes, you will. 387 00:17:07,518 --> 00:17:10,472 Great! Dumb and Dumber reunited. 388 00:17:10,668 --> 00:17:13,230 Man! It's good to see you! 389 00:17:13,337 --> 00:17:14,513 You smell really good. 390 00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:17,220 You better get the fuck off me, dude. What's wrong with you? 391 00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:20,590 What? Can't a straight man admire the stink of another handsome straight man? 392 00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:22,111 Not unless you're in prison. 393 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,101 Is that where you've been? 394 00:17:23,156 --> 00:17:24,281 Close. Alaska. 395 00:17:24,366 --> 00:17:25,803 What about you? What have you been up to? 396 00:17:25,886 --> 00:17:26,972 Same old, same old, dude. 397 00:17:27,096 --> 00:17:28,680 Just dealing, growing,... 398 00:17:28,807 --> 00:17:29,702 doing a little pilates. 399 00:17:29,818 --> 00:17:30,451 No! 400 00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:32,013 I love that shit, man! 401 00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:35,502 Stretch you out, dude. Give you power, make you feel good as hell. 402 00:17:35,537 --> 00:17:36,282 Hot instructor? 403 00:17:36,485 --> 00:17:38,762 Ass like a peach, dude. You just wanna bite that shit. 404 00:17:38,856 --> 00:17:40,123 Nice! Nice... 405 00:17:40,216 --> 00:17:43,553 So... Conrad, man, can you help me out with a little? 406 00:17:54,348 --> 00:17:56,013 It's a lot of weed, huh? 407 00:17:56,595 --> 00:17:58,782 You got the money? 408 00:17:59,755 --> 00:18:01,122 For that much? I don't... 409 00:18:01,458 --> 00:18:04,960 Great! Lady Saltine sends her little errand boy with no scratch. 410 00:18:05,537 --> 00:18:06,471 Nancy? 411 00:18:07,575 --> 00:18:10,102 Yes, she only paid for the half order she picked up this morning. 412 00:18:10,906 --> 00:18:12,801 And that's the other half. 413 00:18:12,998 --> 00:18:15,643 You got my money, boy genius? 414 00:18:25,018 --> 00:18:28,751 So huh... Nancy's getting pretty big, huh? 415 00:18:29,366 --> 00:18:31,462 Fucking kingpin. 416 00:18:38,338 --> 00:18:39,321 What's so funny? 417 00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:43,362 What? Oh... huh... Conrad does pilates. 418 00:18:45,616 --> 00:18:47,753 Okay. Where was I? 419 00:18:47,858 --> 00:18:48,531 I'm surrounded... 420 00:18:48,617 --> 00:18:49,990 You're surrounded by the enemy. 421 00:18:50,137 --> 00:18:53,130 The enemy edges in, closer... closer... 422 00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:57,403 then when they're just inches away, you invoke the Dong-Hai defence. 423 00:18:58,526 --> 00:18:59,613 What's that? 424 00:19:00,586 --> 00:19:04,163 You protect your dong, and you swing like your life depended on it. 425 00:19:04,255 --> 00:19:05,100 Cool! 426 00:19:07,836 --> 00:19:09,963 I need to talk to you, you fucking perv! 427 00:19:11,835 --> 00:19:14,272 All right, go practice that. 428 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,970 What are you talking about? Did that loony chick from Alaska call? 429 00:19:18,017 --> 00:19:19,960 No, I'm talking about what you did to Megan today. 430 00:19:20,085 --> 00:19:20,773 Who's Megan? 431 00:19:20,856 --> 00:19:22,490 Megan! My girlfriend! 432 00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,900 Told her to take her clothes off when she IMd. 433 00:19:24,975 --> 00:19:26,491 Oh that Megan! 434 00:19:26,616 --> 00:19:28,940 Yeah, I did that for you, bro'. You should be thanking me. 435 00:19:29,097 --> 00:19:29,622 What? 436 00:19:29,726 --> 00:19:30,721 That girl really digs you. 437 00:19:30,765 --> 00:19:32,710 No shit! She's my fucking girlfriend. 438 00:19:33,045 --> 00:19:35,283 But you haven't got into her panties yet, have you? 439 00:19:35,428 --> 00:19:36,563 That's none of your business! 440 00:19:36,658 --> 00:19:38,502 You know why? 441 00:19:38,605 --> 00:19:40,171 'Cause you're afraid to make all the big moves 442 00:19:40,298 --> 00:19:41,931 'cause she's all handicapped and shit. 443 00:19:42,076 --> 00:19:43,401 But that's what you need to learn, buddy. 444 00:19:43,445 --> 00:19:46,450 You gotta treat them like everybody else and then 445 00:19:46,517 --> 00:19:48,830 it'll pop right open like a can of Pringles. 446 00:19:49,586 --> 00:19:50,243 So... 447 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:54,103 So, she's ready, man, you gotta go for it. 448 00:19:54,877 --> 00:19:55,960 You're gonna see her tonight? 449 00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:57,313 - Yeah. - Well... 450 00:19:57,416 --> 00:19:58,951 Silas, check me out! 451 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,251 You better be right. 452 00:20:03,795 --> 00:20:05,593 Trust me, man. 453 00:20:05,986 --> 00:20:07,332 It's good to go. 454 00:20:14,658 --> 00:20:15,780 Hey Pants! 455 00:20:17,237 --> 00:20:19,092 Please tell me I didn't hear 456 00:20:19,235 --> 00:20:22,850 that you had cyber sex with a 15-year-old deaf girl. 457 00:20:22,937 --> 00:20:24,122 Absolutely not. 458 00:20:24,305 --> 00:20:25,543 I want you out tonight. 459 00:20:25,637 --> 00:20:26,263 Really? 460 00:20:26,338 --> 00:20:28,090 'Cause you know I was just cooking dinner. 461 00:20:28,147 --> 00:20:29,372 I want you out. Now! 462 00:20:29,427 --> 00:20:30,371 Don't you wanna hear my menu 463 00:20:30,465 --> 00:20:32,463 'cause I've got some really great recipes over 464 00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:36,643 at my friend Conrad's joint earlier today. 465 00:20:36,728 --> 00:20:39,762 Pot roast, corned beef hash, 466 00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:43,252 tonight though I'm gonna go italian with little baked ziti 467 00:20:43,337 --> 00:20:45,161 and a big plate of spaghetti marijuana. 468 00:20:45,196 --> 00:20:47,640 You sneaky piece of shit! 469 00:20:50,976 --> 00:20:53,153 Calm now, Nancy Pants! 470 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,711 Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. 471 00:20:55,807 --> 00:20:56,512 What did you do? 472 00:20:56,606 --> 00:21:00,242 Well, I went to my old friend Conrad to catch up on old times. 473 00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:01,700 You remember Conrad, don't you? 474 00:21:01,937 --> 00:21:03,211 He's a pot dealer. 475 00:21:03,455 --> 00:21:06,370 He's the one you're supposed to call if you ever need a little puff. 476 00:21:06,925 --> 00:21:14,230 And much to my surprise, I was handed a giant bag of weed 477 00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:16,533 and told it was for you. 478 00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:17,840 Where's my stuff? 479 00:21:18,058 --> 00:21:20,321 So, I thought "Wow! 480 00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:22,450 Either Nancy's got a big problem 481 00:21:23,087 --> 00:21:25,323 or Nancy's got a lot of friends." 482 00:21:25,976 --> 00:21:28,672 You've been making friends? 483 00:21:28,725 --> 00:21:30,373 Where's my stuff? 484 00:21:31,497 --> 00:21:32,872 Don't worry, it's safe. 485 00:21:44,498 --> 00:21:49,080 Don't worry? Everything you touch turns to shit. 486 00:21:51,816 --> 00:21:54,233 I'm family. We'll work it out. 487 00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,693 I really want you to leave. 488 00:21:58,587 --> 00:22:01,553 Look, the way I see it is 489 00:22:02,118 --> 00:22:04,590 you're in way over your head here, you know. 490 00:22:04,677 --> 00:22:06,813 You've got a house, you've got bills, 491 00:22:06,947 --> 00:22:09,640 you're a mommy, dealing is a fulltime job. 492 00:22:10,377 --> 00:22:12,762 You need some help, Nancy Pants. 493 00:22:14,838 --> 00:22:16,132 Don't call me, Pants. 494 00:22:16,606 --> 00:22:19,032 Judah called me Pants, not you. 495 00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:20,883 Yeah, I miss him too, Nancy. 496 00:22:21,028 --> 00:22:23,980 Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. 497 00:22:24,475 --> 00:22:25,993 And I loved him. 498 00:22:27,428 --> 00:22:29,092 And I have your back. 499 00:22:30,317 --> 00:22:34,131 Now, I'ma go inside and I'ma finish cooking dinner for the family. 500 00:22:36,117 --> 00:22:37,503 I'm making stoned crabs. 501 00:22:37,575 --> 00:22:40,601 Sorry, I had to make that last one, I was working on them all the way home. 502 00:22:43,606 --> 00:22:44,470 Hey. 503 00:22:45,926 --> 00:22:47,250 You look hot in that leotard. 504 00:23:04,628 --> 00:23:14,180 Take it off. 505 00:23:14,308 --> 00:23:18,740 Perv Jr? 506 00:23:19,455 --> 00:23:24,743 Come on you want to. 507 00:23:26,315 --> 00:23:33,211 Your uncle was smoother. 508 00:25:59,818 --> 00:26:01,251 I have cancer. 509 00:26:01,818 --> 00:26:10,253 Transcript et synchro: Travis - www.forom.com - 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net