0
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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

1
00:00:52,099 --> 00:00:55,660
In a single gal's life,
there are three important firsts.

2
00:00:56,570 --> 00:00:58,663
The first time you have sex...

3
00:00:58,739 --> 00:01:01,230
the first time you have good sex...

4
00:01:01,908 --> 00:01:05,571
and the first time you see
a guy-you-just-started-dating's apartment.

5
00:01:11,952 --> 00:01:13,317
Come on in.

6
00:01:18,492 --> 00:01:19,925
Nice.

7
00:01:20,761 --> 00:01:22,729
Very nice.

8
00:01:22,896 --> 00:01:23,954
Thank God.

9
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:25,691
You were expecting...

10
00:01:25,766 --> 00:01:29,600
One never knows.
Gentlemen left to their own devices...

11
00:01:29,836 --> 00:01:31,861
You name it, I've seen it.

12
00:01:32,472 --> 00:01:34,201
Pleather couches...

13
00:01:36,410 --> 00:01:38,037
two-foot bongs...

14
00:01:38,678 --> 00:01:41,169
- dead body in a corner.
- Dead body?

15
00:01:41,248 --> 00:01:44,217
I only went out with him
for a week after that.

16
00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:49,646
But so far,
nothing in here says "scary bachelor."

17
00:01:49,723 --> 00:01:51,054
Except me.

18
00:01:53,493 --> 00:01:55,620
I really like this wall color.

19
00:01:55,695 --> 00:01:58,289
Yeah, I can't take credit for that.
That's Lauren.

20
00:01:58,365 --> 00:02:01,801
- Ralph Lauren?
- No, Lauren, Lauren, my ex-girlfriend.

21
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:03,794
She was the decorator.

22
00:02:05,439 --> 00:02:07,430
I'm sorry, is that weird?

23
00:02:07,607 --> 00:02:10,542
Please, you have a "decorator"...

24
00:02:10,610 --> 00:02:12,737
I have a "decorator."

25
00:02:13,213 --> 00:02:18,048
There's really no need
for the ex-decorator conversation.

26
00:02:19,052 --> 00:02:20,246
Got it.

27
00:02:24,124 --> 00:02:26,490
Should I set the alarm?
Do you need to get up early?

28
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,255
No, I'm all yours.

29
00:02:29,329 --> 00:02:30,694
Good night.

30
00:02:30,864 --> 00:02:32,661
Welcome to my house.

31
00:02:47,614 --> 00:02:49,741
Okay, what's going on there?

32
00:02:51,551 --> 00:02:54,543
That's my sound machine.
I'm a troubled sleeper.

33
00:02:54,621 --> 00:02:56,282
Kind of hooked on it.

34
00:02:57,457 --> 00:02:58,446
Frogs?

35
00:02:58,525 --> 00:03:01,722
Yeah, and cicadas.
Officially, we're in the rainforest.

36
00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:04,926
That there's a bird.

37
00:03:10,136 --> 00:03:13,333
I feel like I'm camping.
I'm not a big fan of camping.

38
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:17,199
- Tomorrow morning, I'll make you s'mores.
- Okay.

39
00:03:21,748 --> 00:03:24,239
I always wondered who bought those.

40
00:03:25,318 --> 00:03:27,218
Actually, it was a gift.

41
00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:28,986
- From...
- Yeah, Lauren.

42
00:03:29,055 --> 00:03:31,888
She got it for me
about two weeks after we started going out.

43
00:03:31,958 --> 00:03:35,985
She hated it when I tossed and turned.
It was her therapist's idea.

44
00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:39,031
- Lauren did everything her therapist...
- Okay.

45
00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,694
So, frogs.

46
00:03:45,005 --> 00:03:47,030
What's so bad about frogs?

47
00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:51,375
Good night.

48
00:03:51,511 --> 00:03:54,605
You'll see,
after a while you won't even hear it.

49
00:03:56,716 --> 00:04:00,413
I could only hope he was referring
to his ex-decorator's name.

50
00:04:02,222 --> 00:04:06,454
- Okay, one drink and then we leave.
- And one drink means one drink.

51
00:04:06,526 --> 00:04:08,153
Tell me why we're going to this again.

52
00:04:08,228 --> 00:04:11,129
She's a friend going through a breakup.
We're being supportive.

53
00:04:11,197 --> 00:04:13,757
- On a Friday night?
- She tried to kill herself.

54
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:16,495
- It was six Advil.
- On an empty stomach.

55
00:04:17,237 --> 00:04:20,695
The good news is
I'm off the Zoloft, I lost 10 pounds...

56
00:04:20,774 --> 00:04:22,742
and after that asshole dumped me...

57
00:04:22,809 --> 00:04:26,210
I realized I have this amazing gift
for designing bags.

58
00:04:28,882 --> 00:04:30,611
It's a purse party.

59
00:04:33,853 --> 00:04:35,582
Isn't this precious?

60
00:04:35,655 --> 00:04:36,986
You can take it to lunch.

61
00:04:38,291 --> 00:04:39,952
Isn't life funny?

62
00:04:40,327 --> 00:04:44,093
Because of that fucker,
I've discovered I'm Fendi.

63
00:04:46,166 --> 00:04:47,497
Buy away.

64
00:04:54,074 --> 00:04:57,237
When did making bags
become the fallback career?

65
00:04:57,377 --> 00:05:00,403
Someone should tell Crazy
that owning a hot glue gun...

66
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,471
does not make you a hot purse designer.

67
00:05:02,549 --> 00:05:05,780
- Don't call her crazy.
- I'd rather carry a colostomy bag.

68
00:05:05,852 --> 00:05:07,820
Ladies, these aren't bags, they're baggage.

69
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:10,913
We are standing among the ruins
of her last relationship.

70
00:05:10,991 --> 00:05:14,051
And it was one ugly breakup.

71
00:05:14,461 --> 00:05:15,928
I resent this.

72
00:05:15,996 --> 00:05:18,829
The only one who should have to pay
for a bad relationship...

73
00:05:18,898 --> 00:05:20,763
is the person in your next relationship.

74
00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:23,462
True, and here's hoping that isn't me.

75
00:05:24,037 --> 00:05:27,165
Last night,
Berger started opening the "ex-file."

76
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,035
- Fascinating. What do you know so far?
- Her name is Lauren.

77
00:05:31,111 --> 00:05:33,443
She bought him
a Sharper lmage sound machine.

78
00:05:33,513 --> 00:05:34,844
She's a monster.

79
00:05:34,914 --> 00:05:38,281
We just started dating.
Do I need to hear about the ex already?

80
00:05:38,351 --> 00:05:41,548
- The sooner, the better.
- Maybe it should be: The later, the better.

81
00:05:41,621 --> 00:05:44,215
- Or better yet, the never, the better.
- That's good tuna.

82
00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:47,157
You must know where he's been
so you know what you're getting.

83
00:05:47,227 --> 00:05:50,355
As long as what you get doesn't itch,
I say you're fine.

84
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,957
He has a past, I have a past.
Do our pasts really have to have a present?

85
00:05:54,034 --> 00:05:56,559
Yes. At least find out how they broke up.

86
00:05:56,636 --> 00:05:58,866
That will tell you
a lot about their relationship.

87
00:05:58,938 --> 00:06:01,930
See, I was hoping to skip all that
and start fresh this time.

88
00:06:02,008 --> 00:06:03,737
- Is that crazy?
- No.

89
00:06:04,344 --> 00:06:05,902
Here comes crazy.

90
00:06:06,379 --> 00:06:09,075
Look at this one. Little shoes!

91
00:06:09,549 --> 00:06:10,777
Isn't this fun?

92
00:06:10,850 --> 00:06:14,718
Who needs a balding 38-year-old boyfriend
with erectile dysfunction...

93
00:06:14,788 --> 00:06:17,780
when you can have a new career
and cute cater waiters?

94
00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:20,382
Excuse me, champagne for the girls.

95
00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:22,122
Have fun.

96
00:06:23,229 --> 00:06:25,288
Katie, shoes.

97
00:06:25,365 --> 00:06:27,799
Doesn't that waiter look familiar?

98
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:29,729
I fucked him.

99
00:06:30,336 --> 00:06:31,496
That guy.

100
00:06:31,571 --> 00:06:35,940
It's that waiter from Raw. Also known as
the best sex I've had in years.

101
00:06:37,177 --> 00:06:40,203
This party just got
a whole lot more exciting.

102
00:06:40,513 --> 00:06:44,916
Okay, just one glass and then
we've got dinner reservations at 66, yes?

103
00:06:44,984 --> 00:06:48,920
But I can't stay late because I have
a 9 a.m. Conversion class at the synagogue.

104
00:06:48,988 --> 00:06:51,422
- You had a two-hour class today.
- I know.

105
00:06:51,524 --> 00:06:55,119
I'm accelerating my studies.
There's just so much to take in.

106
00:06:55,195 --> 00:06:58,892
The history, the tradition,
the philosophy, oy!

107
00:06:59,799 --> 00:07:02,996
You guys, that was my first "oy"!

108
00:07:05,105 --> 00:07:07,005
- Hi, Victoria!
- Hi!

109
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,271
A whole bunch of folks just arrived...

110
00:07:09,342 --> 00:07:12,140
so I'm gonna need some more tuna tartlets.

111
00:07:18,518 --> 00:07:19,678
Hello?

112
00:07:29,462 --> 00:07:30,827
Oh, my god!

113
00:07:32,132 --> 00:07:34,862
I'm way too fucking fragile to see this.

114
00:07:35,935 --> 00:07:37,402
You're fired!

115
00:07:38,438 --> 00:07:40,531
This is my big purse party!

116
00:07:48,314 --> 00:07:51,681
Victoria, does this come
in any other colors?

117
00:07:52,118 --> 00:07:54,609
Do I look like a fucking department store?

118
00:07:55,221 --> 00:07:57,746
Get the fuck out of my apartment!

119
00:07:58,091 --> 00:08:01,219
All you bitches get out of my apartment!
Give it!

120
00:08:02,595 --> 00:08:04,256
Look what you did.

121
00:08:04,798 --> 00:08:07,130
I cut up my bedspread for this.

122
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:09,594
Okay, dinnertime.

123
00:08:10,103 --> 00:08:12,663
The next day at Temple Emanuel.'

124
00:08:12,739 --> 00:08:15,367
Soon, you'll be ready for your mikvah.

125
00:08:16,042 --> 00:08:19,011
Who can tell me what the mikvah is?

126
00:08:19,646 --> 00:08:20,806
Yes, Charlotte.

127
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:24,338
It's the ceremony that marks
our official conversion to Judaism.

128
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:25,714
Very good.

129
00:08:25,885 --> 00:08:28,479
And what does the service entail?

130
00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:33,224
Yes, Charlotte?

131
00:08:33,393 --> 00:08:34,587
It's a ritual bath...

132
00:08:34,661 --> 00:08:37,789
where we are immersed in water
and reborn a Jew.

133
00:08:37,864 --> 00:08:38,888
Very good.

134
00:08:38,965 --> 00:08:41,365
Charlotte, always the straight-A student...

135
00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:44,961
took to her Judaism class
like a gefilte fish to water.

136
00:08:45,138 --> 00:08:47,698
As you come to your rebirth as a Jew...

137
00:08:47,774 --> 00:08:50,572
you will find
special and new traditions to embrace.

138
00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:53,373
However, you must also bear in mind...

139
00:08:53,446 --> 00:08:57,007
that you will be letting go
of your Christian traditions.

140
00:08:57,083 --> 00:09:01,019
Many find Christmas
to be the most difficult to leave in the past.

141
00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:03,112
You must grieve this loss.

142
00:09:04,557 --> 00:09:06,548
It can be quite hard.

143
00:09:11,064 --> 00:09:12,861
And speaking of the past...

144
00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:16,233
It's 2:30. You're 20 minutes late.

145
00:09:16,302 --> 00:09:19,100
- I got held up.
- I'm barely gonna make my appointment.

146
00:09:19,172 --> 00:09:22,403
I'm sorry.
Debbie had car trouble, so I took a cab.

147
00:09:22,475 --> 00:09:25,444
- Who's Debbie?
- Debbie, the girl I'm seeing.

148
00:09:28,414 --> 00:09:31,975
So, Brady's changed and ready to go.
Don't forget the diaper bag...

149
00:09:32,051 --> 00:09:34,542
and please try to have him back
on time tomorrow.

150
00:09:34,621 --> 00:09:38,387
- I'm sorry, I'm never late. It's just her car...
- Steve, I don't need to know.

151
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:40,756
I just need you not to be
20 minutes late again.

152
00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:42,021
Thanks.

153
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:50,235
- Excuse me, Rabbi Minsch?
- Yes, Charlotte?

154
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:53,602
I was just wondering
what you said about Christmas.

155
00:09:54,073 --> 00:09:56,007
How exactly black and white is that?

156
00:09:56,075 --> 00:10:00,034
Charlotte, as a Jew,
you have to embrace the new holidays...

157
00:10:00,113 --> 00:10:01,842
and let go of the old.

158
00:10:01,915 --> 00:10:05,817
Keeping Christmas would be like
being a vegetarian...

159
00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:06,977
and still eating meat.

160
00:10:07,053 --> 00:10:10,648
I wouldn't go to church or anything,
but maybe I could still have a tree?

161
00:10:10,723 --> 00:10:11,712
No.

162
00:10:15,161 --> 00:10:16,458
Caroling?

163
00:10:18,998 --> 00:10:20,056
Rudolph?

164
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:22,128
But Rabbi Minsch...

165
00:10:22,201 --> 00:10:25,534
Charlotte, if you are serious
about becoming a Jew...

166
00:10:26,172 --> 00:10:29,471
you have to let go
of the attachments to your past.

167
00:10:30,143 --> 00:10:32,907
From that day on,
Charlotte would always think of him...

168
00:10:32,979 --> 00:10:35,413
as the Minsch who stole Christmas.

169
00:10:36,215 --> 00:10:38,649
That night, miles from the Amazon...

170
00:10:38,718 --> 00:10:41,278
I was just drifting off to sleep when...

171
00:10:51,764 --> 00:10:52,958
Hello?

172
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:56,001
- Remember that red dress you had?
- What?

173
00:10:56,069 --> 00:10:58,333
- Where are you?
- In California.

174
00:10:59,105 --> 00:11:00,299
In bed.

175
00:11:02,342 --> 00:11:03,809
I was sleeping.

176
00:11:05,111 --> 00:11:06,305
Alone?

177
00:11:06,446 --> 00:11:08,209
Yes, you woke me up.

178
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:11,209
You never used to need so much sleep, kid.

179
00:11:11,284 --> 00:11:13,616
I'm old now, like you.

180
00:11:15,154 --> 00:11:16,781
So, the red dress.

181
00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:20,315
- Versace or Gucci?
- It had tiny little straps.

182
00:11:20,393 --> 00:11:21,553
Gucci.

183
00:11:21,995 --> 00:11:25,522
And when I slipped one strap down,
the other would fall.

184
00:11:25,598 --> 00:11:27,862
- Remember that dress?
- Yes.

185
00:11:28,601 --> 00:11:30,831
You looked good in that dress.

186
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,934
Remember when I found you
in your closet...

187
00:11:38,011 --> 00:11:39,808
in just heels and a bra?

188
00:11:40,346 --> 00:11:43,315
And I came up behind you
and put your hands against the wall.

189
00:11:43,916 --> 00:11:45,315
Remember that?

190
00:11:46,753 --> 00:11:47,742
Yes.

191
00:11:48,321 --> 00:11:52,382
- So what did you do last night?
- Nothing. I went to bed early...

192
00:11:52,759 --> 00:11:55,319
- had accidental phone sex with Big.
- What?

193
00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:57,124
Brunch is suddenly looking up.

194
00:11:57,196 --> 00:12:00,222
Actually, he had phone sex.
I was on the other end...

195
00:12:00,299 --> 00:12:02,529
trying to think of a polite way
to get out of it.

196
00:12:02,602 --> 00:12:05,765
Turns out, there is no polite way
to get out of phone sex.

197
00:12:05,838 --> 00:12:08,830
I wasn't aware that you and Big
had phone sex.

198
00:12:08,908 --> 00:12:11,877
Occasionally, since he moved away.

199
00:12:11,944 --> 00:12:13,343
You have phone sex?

200
00:12:13,413 --> 00:12:15,847
I prefer to think of it not as phone sex...

201
00:12:15,915 --> 00:12:18,713
so much as a trip down memory lane.

202
00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:22,514
The next time he calls,
tell him that you're in a serious relationship.

203
00:12:22,588 --> 00:12:25,989
I'm not in a serious relationship with Berger.
We're still just dating.

204
00:12:26,059 --> 00:12:28,653
It's good dating,
but we don't know where it's going yet.

205
00:12:28,728 --> 00:12:31,720
You'll never know
if you keep reminiscing with Big.

206
00:12:31,798 --> 00:12:33,891
One doesn't have anything
to do with the other.

207
00:12:33,966 --> 00:12:37,629
I don't know why you want to drag
that Big baggage into the new relationship.

208
00:12:37,703 --> 00:12:40,001
It's not baggage, it's Biggage.

209
00:12:40,139 --> 00:12:43,575
And Big is no more a threat to Berger
than Lauren is to me.

210
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:45,736
Thank you. It's all in the past.

211
00:12:45,812 --> 00:12:48,474
- And on your phone bill.
- He called me.

212
00:12:48,915 --> 00:12:50,576
I'm a lady.

213
00:12:52,885 --> 00:12:57,083
Come on, pudding, I'll get your pacifier.

214
00:12:58,991 --> 00:13:01,892
Look at all the shit Steve has in here.

215
00:13:03,096 --> 00:13:05,587
Honey, isn't the baby birth control enough?

216
00:13:05,665 --> 00:13:09,032
They're Steve's and Debbie's,
his new girlfriend.

217
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:11,002
That's her name, Debbie.

218
00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:12,935
Where are they doing it, Gymboree?

219
00:13:13,005 --> 00:13:14,905
Debbie does daycare.

220
00:13:18,711 --> 00:13:22,306
Honey, relax.
I have those in my mouth all the time.

221
00:13:22,782 --> 00:13:26,377
Later that day,
I got to thinking about tense relationships.

222
00:13:26,586 --> 00:13:28,645
And by that, I mean a relationship...

223
00:13:28,721 --> 00:13:32,282
and its connection to the past, present,
and future tense.

224
00:13:32,758 --> 00:13:35,249
At a certain age,
we've all had relationships...

225
00:13:35,328 --> 00:13:37,319
that are far from past perfect.

226
00:13:37,396 --> 00:13:39,591
But how much does that past relationship...

227
00:13:39,665 --> 00:13:42,259
affect our dream of a future perfect?

228
00:13:42,702 --> 00:13:45,330
And as I became more and more tense...

229
00:13:45,571 --> 00:13:47,766
I couldn't help but wonder...

230
00:13:48,074 --> 00:13:51,168
can you get to a future
if your past is present?

231
00:13:53,379 --> 00:13:55,108
And over at Samantha's...

232
00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:58,207
a day of great sex was about to fade
into the past.

233
00:13:58,284 --> 00:14:00,980
Are you absolutely sure you can't stay?

234
00:14:01,053 --> 00:14:03,749
I gotta pull an extra shift at the restaurant.

235
00:14:04,323 --> 00:14:06,723
I got fired from my other gig, remember?

236
00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:10,662
Listen, I do feel bad about what happened.

237
00:14:11,464 --> 00:14:13,694
And I wanted you to have this.

238
00:14:18,437 --> 00:14:19,563
$300?

239
00:14:20,006 --> 00:14:23,567
I made some calls.
That is what the A-list caterers pay.

240
00:14:24,143 --> 00:14:26,839
Lady, you are fucking out of your mind.

241
00:14:32,118 --> 00:14:35,679
The next morning,
after another fitful night of frogs...

242
00:14:36,322 --> 00:14:39,223
- So you're gonna be okay here?
- Absolutely. Go.

243
00:14:39,292 --> 00:14:43,092
It's just a stupid standing breakfast thing
with a bunch of writer buddies.

244
00:14:43,162 --> 00:14:46,427
I'd ask you along,
but we're a pretty pathetic bunch.

245
00:14:46,499 --> 00:14:47,523
Please go.

246
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,730
And for the record, you, my friend,
are not pathetic.

247
00:14:57,977 --> 00:14:59,035
You gonna get that?

248
00:14:59,111 --> 00:15:02,376
You know what? 9:30 in the morning,
one word: Telemarketer.

249
00:15:02,448 --> 00:15:04,973
I think that's a two-word hyphenate.

250
00:15:06,252 --> 00:15:08,049
Jack, it's Lauren...

251
00:15:08,854 --> 00:15:09,980
It was official.

252
00:15:10,056 --> 00:15:13,082
Lauren controlled
every machine in the apartment.

253
00:15:13,693 --> 00:15:15,684
Call me, I want to talk to you.

254
00:15:15,828 --> 00:15:17,125
Fuck you!

255
00:15:19,832 --> 00:15:20,890
Bye.

256
00:15:26,038 --> 00:15:29,371
You don't want your new boyfriend
to still be in love with the ex...

257
00:15:29,442 --> 00:15:31,034
but you don't want...

258
00:15:33,112 --> 00:15:36,604
That is not the way
you talk to your ex-decorator.

259
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:41,016
Damn, and just when you thought
you didn't have to open the ex-file.

260
00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:42,916
So he's doing a "fuck you" to the ex.

261
00:15:42,989 --> 00:15:45,321
As long as he keeps fucking you,
what's the problem?

262
00:15:45,391 --> 00:15:47,291
The problem is, what's going on there?

263
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,727
What happened between them
that would cause a double-finger situation?

264
00:15:50,796 --> 00:15:53,094
And if it wasn't big,
why is he still so angry?

265
00:15:53,165 --> 00:15:57,067
Does he have a problem with anger?
And here come the questions.

266
00:15:57,436 --> 00:15:59,563
You're right, men are crazy.

267
00:15:59,872 --> 00:16:02,739
I fucked that waiter at the party
and he got fired for it...

268
00:16:02,808 --> 00:16:07,177
so I gave him $300 the next time we fucked,
and now I think he's upset.

269
00:16:07,713 --> 00:16:09,647
Okay, not the same situation.

270
00:16:09,715 --> 00:16:12,183
I don't see what the problem is.
It's like a big tip.

271
00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:15,311
$300 in a restaurant is a big tip.

272
00:16:15,388 --> 00:16:19,791
- $300 in the bedroom is a big prostitute.
- At least it wasn't phone sex.

273
00:16:19,859 --> 00:16:21,918
He called me.

274
00:16:21,994 --> 00:16:24,428
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

275
00:16:26,932 --> 00:16:30,834
- Right on time.
- And I appreciate that, I do. Come in.

276
00:16:32,505 --> 00:16:36,066
I'm just getting Brady ready
to go out for a night with his dad.

277
00:16:36,142 --> 00:16:37,905
Packing up the old diaper bag.

278
00:16:37,977 --> 00:16:40,639
Making sure he has everything he needs.

279
00:16:40,846 --> 00:16:43,940
Bottle, Binky...

280
00:16:45,117 --> 00:16:46,641
Trojans.

281
00:16:46,786 --> 00:16:47,844
Look, Miranda...

282
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,014
I'm not exactly thrilled
that our baby is having sex already...

283
00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,558
but I sure am glad he's using protection.

284
00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:57,360
- Got your point, very funny.
- No, Steve, not funny.

285
00:16:57,430 --> 00:16:59,455
- Fucked up.
- Come on, it's just condoms.

286
00:16:59,532 --> 00:17:00,863
In the diaper bag, Steve?

287
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:04,130
How much sex are you having
that you need rubbers in the diaper bag?

288
00:17:04,203 --> 00:17:05,830
What's it to you?

289
00:17:06,305 --> 00:17:10,674
Apparently, some of Miranda's baggage
had shifted during fight.

290
00:17:11,043 --> 00:17:14,479
I just don't think you're taking
this parenting thing seriously.

291
00:17:14,547 --> 00:17:16,811
- What?
- You show up late to pick him up.

292
00:17:16,882 --> 00:17:17,940
One time.

293
00:17:18,017 --> 00:17:21,214
More than one time. There was that
other time when you were late.

294
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:24,518
- Okay, what's your problem?
- This is not about me.

295
00:17:24,657 --> 00:17:28,024
This is about your need
to start taking responsibility for your child.

296
00:17:28,094 --> 00:17:31,689
Clearly, there are times when you can't
because your mind is somewhere else.

297
00:17:31,764 --> 00:17:32,924
What are you talking about?

298
00:17:32,998 --> 00:17:36,195
Like when your penis
is in some girl's vagina...

299
00:17:36,268 --> 00:17:38,031
and you're having an orgasm...

300
00:17:38,104 --> 00:17:41,039
while our baby is quietly suffocating
in the other room.

301
00:17:41,107 --> 00:17:45,168
- Debbie and I never do it when he's awake.
- Okay, Steve, you're not getting this!

302
00:17:45,244 --> 00:17:49,476
I am saying your focus needs to be
totally and completely on Brady.

303
00:17:49,582 --> 00:17:53,951
My focus is always 100%% on Brady.

304
00:18:02,027 --> 00:18:03,119
See?

305
00:18:04,063 --> 00:18:07,555
That night, the only thing Miranda
and Steve could agree on...

306
00:18:07,633 --> 00:18:09,624
was separate diaper bags.

307
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,952
Hey, beautiful, I'm here.

308
00:18:33,426 --> 00:18:35,018
What's all this?

309
00:18:35,127 --> 00:18:36,958
It's my last Christmas tree.

310
00:18:37,997 --> 00:18:41,262
- It's July.
- That's right, so it doesn't count.

311
00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:45,863
Charlotte, honey, you can have a tree.
Lots of Jews do.

312
00:18:46,972 --> 00:18:50,032
It wouldn't be appropriate. Look.

313
00:18:51,977 --> 00:18:54,036
It's my favorite ornament.

314
00:18:54,914 --> 00:18:56,381
Silent Night, Holy Night.

315
00:18:56,449 --> 00:18:59,646
See, that's the holy family in the Nativity.

316
00:19:00,486 --> 00:19:03,717
This was my Grandma York's. It's so old.

317
00:19:03,789 --> 00:19:07,418
See how there's hardly any glitter left
on the baby Jesus.

318
00:19:08,861 --> 00:19:11,762
It's very rare to have
a blue Christmas ornament.

319
00:19:11,831 --> 00:19:13,958
- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

320
00:19:15,468 --> 00:19:17,868
They're usually red or green...

321
00:19:18,604 --> 00:19:21,539
silver, gold.

322
00:19:25,344 --> 00:19:28,472
- Keep Christmas. Who cares?
- I do.

323
00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:32,549
I'm gonna do this right.
I'm not gonna be a meat-eating vegetarian.

324
00:19:32,751 --> 00:19:34,378
No, these all have to go.

325
00:19:34,453 --> 00:19:37,183
Except this one. We're keeping this.

326
00:19:37,957 --> 00:19:40,391
What the hell, they were Jews, too.

327
00:19:42,094 --> 00:19:44,494
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel

328
00:19:44,563 --> 00:19:47,498
I made it out of clay

329
00:19:47,566 --> 00:19:50,364
And when it's something, something

330
00:19:50,436 --> 00:19:51,767
"Dry and ready."

331
00:19:52,071 --> 00:19:54,505
Impressive. Dry and ready.

332
00:19:55,140 --> 00:19:58,007
Dreidel, I will play.

333
00:20:00,045 --> 00:20:03,446
That night, Charlotte realized
the memories she was giving up...

334
00:20:03,516 --> 00:20:06,849
might be nothing
compared to the memories she was getting.

335
00:20:09,021 --> 00:20:11,956
And Samantha realized,
to make things right...

336
00:20:12,024 --> 00:20:14,788
she would need to service someone else
for a change.

337
00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,020
Hello.

338
00:20:16,529 --> 00:20:20,260
My name is Samantha.
I'll be your waitress this evening.

339
00:20:20,666 --> 00:20:22,930
Tonight I will be serving you.

340
00:20:25,371 --> 00:20:27,100
You are fucking crazy.

341
00:20:27,172 --> 00:20:29,868
Mister waiter, you have no idea.

342
00:20:30,442 --> 00:20:33,707
- You don't know my name, do you?
- Of course I do...

343
00:20:34,213 --> 00:20:35,305
Paul.

344
00:20:35,681 --> 00:20:36,875
It's Jerry.

345
00:20:36,949 --> 00:20:38,439
I took a shot.

346
00:20:38,918 --> 00:20:42,410
When you're a waiter,
you must always be aware...

347
00:20:43,489 --> 00:20:46,356
that the customer comes first.

348
00:20:48,694 --> 00:20:51,959
It's a hard job.

349
00:20:54,633 --> 00:20:58,262
You know, Samantha, I'm not just a waiter.

350
00:20:59,204 --> 00:21:00,899
Is that right, Jamie?

351
00:21:00,973 --> 00:21:02,201
Jerry.

352
00:21:04,410 --> 00:21:05,877
I'm an actor.

353
00:21:07,613 --> 00:21:09,706
God, there goes my hard-on.

354
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,486
It's a good thing I still have mine.

355
00:21:18,257 --> 00:21:20,817
Samantha had had many waiters
in her past...

356
00:21:20,893 --> 00:21:24,522
but to the present day,
this was her very first Jerry.

357
00:21:30,202 --> 00:21:31,226
As for me...

358
00:21:31,303 --> 00:21:34,864
I spent another night
not sleeping in Berger's bed.

359
00:21:46,051 --> 00:21:49,043
- You okay?
- No, I can't sleep.

360
00:21:49,188 --> 00:21:51,986
- Is it the frogs?
- No, the frogs are fine.

361
00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:53,853
What's up?

362
00:21:55,227 --> 00:21:57,218
Nothing. Go back to sleep.

363
00:22:01,133 --> 00:22:02,293
Jesus.

364
00:22:02,368 --> 00:22:06,464
- It's the frogs. I'll turn it off.
- No, it's not the frogs.

365
00:22:11,577 --> 00:22:13,204
- It's Lauren.
- What about her?

366
00:22:13,278 --> 00:22:17,044
Okay, for the record,
I was hoping to skip this and start fresh...

367
00:22:18,317 --> 00:22:21,013
but what's going on with you
and the double finger?

368
00:22:21,086 --> 00:22:24,817
- The double what?
- The other day, to the answering machine.

369
00:22:27,926 --> 00:22:29,985
Do we need to talk about this?

370
00:22:30,295 --> 00:22:33,696
She just drives me crazy, you know.
She keeps calling here.

371
00:22:33,766 --> 00:22:36,599
She wants to go out to lunch for closure.
That's her word.

372
00:22:36,669 --> 00:22:40,105
I would never say "closure,"
certainly not at 2:00 in the morning.

373
00:22:40,172 --> 00:22:41,662
She keeps bugging me.

374
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:44,732
She thinks it's important
in order to move on.

375
00:22:50,983 --> 00:22:52,314
What do you think?

376
00:22:52,384 --> 00:22:55,751
I think that it's gonna take a lot more
than a lunch.

377
00:22:58,891 --> 00:22:59,983
What?

378
00:23:02,461 --> 00:23:04,326
No, it's embarrassing.

379
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,098
She cheated on me. That's how it ended.

380
00:23:10,169 --> 00:23:14,128
She broke my heart
and pretty much killed me.

381
00:23:14,206 --> 00:23:16,265
And I was dead...

382
00:23:17,609 --> 00:23:18,735
till you.

383
00:23:26,051 --> 00:23:28,713
And then, there is another important first.

384
00:23:28,787 --> 00:23:32,416
The first time you realize
this really might be something.

385
00:23:33,826 --> 00:23:35,794
You ever been that hurt?

386
00:23:39,732 --> 00:23:41,927
You want to tell me about it?

387
00:23:44,303 --> 00:23:45,361
Sure.

388
00:23:45,571 --> 00:23:46,868
And just like that...

389
00:23:46,939 --> 00:23:50,705
we moved out of the present
and into our future.

390
00:23:51,877 --> 00:23:54,846
- How much time have you got?
- I got all night.

391
00:23:56,281 --> 00:23:59,580
So now, it was time to clear up the past.

392
00:24:16,435 --> 00:24:17,697
It's me.

393
00:24:17,770 --> 00:24:20,295
- Hello there.
- Have you got a minute?

394
00:24:20,439 --> 00:24:23,374
Yeah, sure. I'm just relaxing in my hot tub.

395
00:24:23,475 --> 00:24:24,840
A hot tub?

396
00:24:25,410 --> 00:24:28,402
Shame on you, that is such a cliché.

397
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,109
No, a Jacuzzi is a cliché. A hot tub is retro.

398
00:24:33,819 --> 00:24:37,255
Remember the time we were in the Jacuzzi
in the Four Seasons and you...

399
00:24:37,322 --> 00:24:39,187
Okay, hold on there, partner.

400
00:24:39,258 --> 00:24:42,659
This is not gonna be
one of those types of calls.

401
00:24:42,728 --> 00:24:43,717
What type of call?

402
00:24:43,796 --> 00:24:46,560
I was talking about
when you lost your necklace in the jets.

403
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:51,964
If you'd like to make it one of those
phone calls, I'm $1.50 for the first minute...

404
00:24:52,037 --> 00:24:53,868
and 50 cents for each additional.

405
00:24:53,939 --> 00:24:56,669
- Please stop.
- What's on your mind, baby?

406
00:24:58,577 --> 00:25:00,135
I was just calling to tell you...

407
00:25:00,212 --> 00:25:04,148
that we won't be having
any more of those calls.

408
00:25:06,118 --> 00:25:07,710
Really, why is that?

409
00:25:07,986 --> 00:25:11,683
- Because we're just friends now.
- Those are friendly calls.

410
00:25:12,024 --> 00:25:15,892
- I don't talk to my friends like that.
- I do.

411
00:25:16,128 --> 00:25:18,858
Maybe that's why you have so few.

412
00:25:20,632 --> 00:25:21,997
You got me there.

413
00:25:25,604 --> 00:25:29,563
- I started seeing someone.
- Were you seeing someone the other night?

414
00:25:30,075 --> 00:25:33,067
Yes, but it just got serious.

415
00:25:34,079 --> 00:25:35,273
I see.

416
00:25:37,649 --> 00:25:40,277
So I think we have to leave all that
in the past.

417
00:25:40,352 --> 00:25:42,786
Consider it in the past.

418
00:25:43,388 --> 00:25:45,288
But we'll stay friends.

419
00:25:47,326 --> 00:25:48,350
Friends.

420
00:25:49,127 --> 00:25:50,594
Good friends.

421
00:25:53,632 --> 00:25:55,065
His name is Jack Berger.

422
00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:57,331
He's a writer as well.

423
00:25:59,404 --> 00:26:00,735
Okay, kid.

424
00:26:01,473 --> 00:26:03,441
Give me a call sometime.

425
00:26:04,376 --> 00:26:06,401
Any kind of call you want.

426
00:26:15,787 --> 00:26:18,347
That night,
in the basement of a synagogue...

427
00:26:18,423 --> 00:26:21,256
after 75 accelerated classes...

428
00:26:21,627 --> 00:26:26,030
Charlotte, the Episcopalian princess,
was reborn a Jew...

429
00:26:29,468 --> 00:26:31,902
leaving the old Charlotte behind.

430
00:26:32,671 --> 00:26:34,969
Was this tub drained before me?

431
00:26:37,142 --> 00:26:38,666
Not all of her.

432
00:26:47,886 --> 00:26:50,480
I finally figured out what you needed.

433
00:26:50,555 --> 00:26:51,544
Oh, yeah?

434
00:26:53,025 --> 00:26:56,586
I thought about it
and I narrowed it down to two choices.

435
00:26:57,229 --> 00:26:58,958
A Pulitzer Prize...

436
00:26:59,598 --> 00:27:00,826
or this.

437
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:04,894
- I already have a Pulitzer.
- You do?

438
00:27:04,970 --> 00:27:08,428
- I don't like to brag.
- Then I chose right.

439
00:27:11,443 --> 00:27:12,774
It's for a fresh start.

440
00:27:12,844 --> 00:27:17,577
It's the newest sound machine they make,
with many other sounds besides frogs.

441
00:27:18,250 --> 00:27:20,047
I don't care for frogs.

442
00:27:20,118 --> 00:27:23,417
- New start, new sound.
- Deal.

443
00:27:37,369 --> 00:27:39,769
That same night, next to Berger...

444
00:27:39,838 --> 00:27:41,897
and Surf Sounds Number Four...

445
00:27:41,974 --> 00:27:43,999
I slept more soundly than I had...

446
00:27:44,076 --> 00:27:46,306
in as long as I can remember.

447
00:28:13,000 --> 00:29:13,000
Ripped by RavyDavy
part of the [RL] Crew