1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:03,634
**
2
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,701
* you won't admit you love me *
3
00:00:11,701 --> 00:00:13,267
* and so
4
00:00:13,267 --> 00:00:15,767
* how am i ever
5
00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:17,634
* to know
6
00:00:17,634 --> 00:00:20,601
* you always tell me
7
00:00:20,601 --> 00:00:24,000
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
8
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,267
* perhaps
9
00:00:27,267 --> 00:00:29,534
* perhaps
10
00:00:29,534 --> 00:00:31,267
* perhaps
11
00:00:54,734 --> 00:00:56,300
tamsin!
12
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:03,467
( sighs )
13
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:05,767
okay.
14
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:25,400
( tv plays )
15
00:02:54,634 --> 00:02:56,067
Jane?
16
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:58,167
Yes.
17
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:00,801
Hi. It's me.
18
00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:02,667
Yes.
19
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,000
Oliver.
20
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,667
Yes, i know.
21
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,133
My God!
What are you doing here?
22
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:13,267
Shopping.
23
00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:16,667
So, how's the buying going?
You having a good one?
24
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:19,300
Oh, i see.
Ladies' products.
25
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,234
That's okay.
Thank you.
26
00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:25,100
Actually, i don't know
why i stepped back there.
There's no danger.
27
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:27,033
No danger?
Exactly.
28
00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:29,701
I don't know why
I'm saying any of this.
29
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:32,801
I'm flippin' out here.
Craziness!
30
00:03:34,334 --> 00:03:36,133
So, what are you doing?
31
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,901
Oh, you know, the same.
Shopping.
32
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:44,000
God, you must be thinking
what's oliver gonna be doing
33
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,033
with all this toilet roll?
34
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,634
Actually, i leave that
to your imagination.
35
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:51,534
Actually, please don't
start imagining that.
That would be disgusting.
36
00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:53,667
Yeah.
It was on offer, that's all.
37
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:57,801
I'm not some kind of
a crazed toilet roll...
38
00:03:57,801 --> 00:03:59,934
Supporter.
39
00:04:01,868 --> 00:04:04,901
I mean, it's toilet roll.
If it's there, I'll use it.
40
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:08,501
And it generally is there
when i need it,
41
00:04:08,501 --> 00:04:10,801
which is great.
42
00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:13,234
Yes.
43
00:04:13,234 --> 00:04:16,667
Anyway, i best be going.
Things to do.
Okay.
44
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:19,667
Gotta go home and get
these babies installed.
45
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:21,300
Yeah.
46
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,300
I just called them babies,
didn't i?
47
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,501
You did.
Ha ha! Babies!
48
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:28,300
I don't know
what that's about!
49
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:30,434
You don't install babies!
50
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:33,501
No. Listen, um...
51
00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:37,100
I've really got to--
52
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:38,901
yeah. Yeah, of course.
53
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,801
Woman:
Hello, oliver.
54
00:04:45,801 --> 00:04:47,767
Hello, mrs. M.
You're looking
ravishing today.
55
00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:50,167
Do you like my new hair?
56
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:53,000
Hard to say, mrs. M.
Where is it this time?
57
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,200
Ha ha ha ha ha!
58
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,133
Hello, oliver.
Mrs. C.
59
00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:00,033
Are you admiring
Sheila's hair?
60
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,601
Not yet,
but I'm hoping.
61
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:04,300
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
62
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,100
I'll catch you later,
mrs. M.
63
00:05:10,834 --> 00:05:14,701
Listen, um, sorry about
all that baby stuff.
64
00:05:14,701 --> 00:05:17,467
I don't know what
i was thinking.
That's okay.
65
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,100
Look, um...
66
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:21,033
Would you like
to get a coffee?
67
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:22,901
Yeah.
68
00:05:22,901 --> 00:05:25,601
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'd like.
69
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,100
( phone rings )
70
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:33,701
hello?
71
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,234
Hi.
72
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:39,501
Sorry, you meant a coffee
together, didn't you?
73
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:44,000
Pretty much, yeah.
74
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,367
Well, you got here
really quickly.
75
00:05:53,801 --> 00:05:56,267
I'm just round the corner.
It's very close.
76
00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:57,534
Right.
77
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:03,901
So, did you install
your toilet rolls?
78
00:06:03,901 --> 00:06:07,067
Yeah. Yeah, i did.
79
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,200
Good.
80
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,400
So, did you install your--
81
00:06:11,767 --> 00:06:15,100
( giggles )
oh, God.
82
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:18,901
What is the matter
with me?!
83
00:06:18,901 --> 00:06:20,234
I don't know.
84
00:06:20,234 --> 00:06:22,434
Why can't i talk?
What's happened to my brain?
85
00:06:22,434 --> 00:06:25,834
Never mind about your brain.
Brains are overrated.
86
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:29,300
Many plants don't have brains.
Have you thought about that?
87
00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:32,400
Why can't i talk normally?
88
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,234
I'm fairly sure i used to
have the power of speech.
89
00:06:35,234 --> 00:06:37,334
Well, you talked to
the ladies in the supermarket.
90
00:06:37,334 --> 00:06:39,767
That's easy.
I don't want to
sleep with them.
91
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,901
Okay, I'm just gonna
put my head down on the table.
92
00:06:43,901 --> 00:06:45,901
You can slip away
in your own time.
93
00:06:45,901 --> 00:06:49,100
You can't talk to people if
you want to have sex with them?
94
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:52,100
Please, leave me here to die.
Save yourself.
95
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,300
Isn't that
a bit of a problem?
96
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,868
Do you really think
it might be?
97
00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,667
I wasn't sure,
so thanks for
clearing that up.
98
00:06:57,667 --> 00:07:00,968
I could still talk to you
even if i wanted to have sex
with you.
99
00:07:04,234 --> 00:07:06,734
Ever get the feeling
you're spinning away
100
00:07:06,734 --> 00:07:09,734
into a great Black void
of failure and loneliness
101
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,868
with one last
despairing scream?
102
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:14,334
Everybody feels like that.
That's normal.
103
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:17,534
You just get up
and have breakfast.
104
00:07:20,634 --> 00:07:22,834
"Many" plants?
What?
105
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:25,467
Many plants
don't have brains?
106
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:26,467
Exactly.
107
00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:28,901
Jane, no plants
have brains.
108
00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:32,300
Yet they have
their own wisdom.
109
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,200
What wisdom?
110
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,167
The wisdom of plants.
What wisdom is that?
111
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:41,200
It's very deep, oliver.
It's very spiritual.
112
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,534
It's so typically...
Planty.
113
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,634
You're making this up.
114
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,834
No, I'm not.
It's a philosophy.
115
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:51,567
I follow
a lot of philosophies.
116
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:53,868
It's one of the things
people really notice about me.
117
00:07:53,868 --> 00:07:57,267
So, you follow
the philosophy of plants.
118
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,701
I am a committed
vegetarian, yes.
119
00:07:59,701 --> 00:08:01,501
Really.
120
00:08:01,501 --> 00:08:03,501
It's a life choice.
121
00:08:03,501 --> 00:08:04,934
So let me
get this straight.
122
00:08:04,934 --> 00:08:07,467
You believe in the wisdom
and the philosophy of plants.
123
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:09,968
Yes, i do, oliver.
I absolutely do.
124
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:12,968
So you eat them.
125
00:08:12,968 --> 00:08:14,968
Hmm.
126
00:08:14,968 --> 00:08:18,267
Let me get this straight.
You're a heterosexual man...
127
00:08:18,267 --> 00:08:19,634
Yeah.
128
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:22,801
...but you can't
talk to women.
129
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:25,834
Okay.
130
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:28,767
We kinda got
one in each there,
didn't we?
131
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,901
So why do the shop ladies
know you?
132
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:33,434
Well, I've been
shopping there
for five years.
133
00:08:33,434 --> 00:08:34,868
Oh.
134
00:08:34,868 --> 00:08:36,133
What?
135
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,901
I've been shopping there
for seven.
136
00:08:38,901 --> 00:08:40,234
Right.
137
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:43,300
It's funny
they noticed you
and not me.
138
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,434
Yeah.
139
00:08:44,434 --> 00:08:46,033
Why?
140
00:08:46,033 --> 00:08:48,734
I'm very much
a noticeable person.
141
00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:50,033
Oh, okay.
142
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:52,567
Crazy, wacky Jane?
143
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:55,601
Everyone's got
their own story about me.
144
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:56,767
Yeah?
145
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,834
I try to make sure.
146
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:01,667
It's just a bunch of old ladies
with alarming moles.
147
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,033
I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm not worried about it.
148
00:09:04,033 --> 00:09:07,334
I just feel
they're not keeping up.
149
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:10,367
Mrs. M. Has got
the biggest mole in england.
150
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:12,934
It should be carried on
to the next old Lady.
151
00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:15,701
You find yourself giving it
equal eye contact time,
152
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:17,767
otherwise you feel rude.
153
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:19,300
Shit!
What?
154
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:22,300
Her name's barker.
Barker?
155
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,434
Mrs. M.
She should be mrs. B.
156
00:09:24,434 --> 00:09:26,934
I'm calling her mrs. M.
After the mole!
157
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,033
Oh, God! Really?
158
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:32,834
How long have i
been doing that?
That's borderline rude!
159
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:34,567
But it's really funny.
160
00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:36,400
Every time I'm in there
I'm going
161
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,133
"don't think
about the mole."
162
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:40,200
I only went
and named her after it.
163
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,501
Ha ha ha ha!
( snorts )
164
00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:44,300
I'll tell you something,
though.
What?
165
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:48,033
If mrs. P is the one
with the bladder complaint,
I'm switching to tesco's.
166
00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:52,901
Anyway, this is me.
167
00:09:52,901 --> 00:09:54,434
Your flat?
168
00:09:54,434 --> 00:09:55,634
Yeah.
169
00:09:55,634 --> 00:09:59,133
Listen, it's been really--
can i come up?
170
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,934
( all choking
on drinks )
171
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,767
you just said that?
172
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:04,834
Yep.
173
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:07,901
Did he look surprised?
He look terrified.
174
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:10,167
There are rules.
There's a procedure.
175
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:13,167
We don't just say,
"can i come up to your flat?"
176
00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:15,334
We hint at the possibility
177
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,601
that at some point
in the distant future
178
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:21,434
we might linger momentarily
in the right post code.
179
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:25,033
A woman with her clothes on
has negotiating power.
180
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:28,834
We have what they want,
and we've got to sit on it.
181
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:33,834
Sorry, that was
a bit more graphic
than i was aiming for.
182
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,234
I just wanted
to see his flat.
183
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:38,968
I don't think
he interpreted it
as an offer of sex.
184
00:10:38,968 --> 00:10:42,934
Jane, things men
are capable of interpreting
as an offer of sex:
185
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:46,367
"Hello."
"oh, look. It's raining."
186
00:10:46,367 --> 00:10:49,267
"My boyfriend's just been
kidnapped by drug smugglers."
187
00:10:49,267 --> 00:10:50,901
"Get out."
188
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:55,200
What, she just--just--
yeah.
189
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,300
So you had sex
with her?
190
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,801
N-no. She-she came up
to my flat.
191
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:02,767
So you had sex with her.
192
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:05,267
No, she came up
to my flat.
193
00:11:05,267 --> 00:11:08,067
Patrick really
can't hear the difference
194
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,234
between those sentences.
195
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,767
The thing is, though,
196
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,334
it's been ages
since tamsin left.
So?
197
00:11:14,334 --> 00:11:15,734
My flat.
198
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:17,501
What about it?
199
00:11:17,501 --> 00:11:18,868
Well, think about it.
200
00:11:18,868 --> 00:11:21,934
All that time
I'm living alone
in my flat.
201
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:24,667
It's a bit...
What?
202
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:26,934
Unedited.
203
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,400
Um...
204
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,834
He just um'ed?
205
00:11:32,834 --> 00:11:35,634
It's getting so a person
can't be a slut anymore.
206
00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:38,834
I just wanted
to see his flat.
207
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:41,300
Oh, come on.
Even you don't believe that.
208
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,434
Well...
209
00:11:43,434 --> 00:11:46,868
There was maybe
a kind of chemistry
happening.
210
00:11:46,868 --> 00:11:50,234
We've seen you in
a state of chemistry.
211
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:52,467
All across town
dogs start howling.
212
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:55,000
There's a new scent
on the wind,
213
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,634
and the pets of london
are locked indoors.
214
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,701
You can't always
blame that on me!
215
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:04,767
Okay, she's gone.
She's left you.
216
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:08,067
Stage one:
You buy a bigger television.
217
00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:11,434
Okay.
Makes sense.
218
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:15,334
Stage two:
You point your chair
directly at the television,
219
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,234
and no one is gonna
come to your flat ever again
220
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:20,300
and you're alone
in the universe.
221
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,234
Stage three:
222
00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:23,734
This is the bad one.
223
00:12:23,734 --> 00:12:25,834
This is the very bad one.
224
00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,667
This is when you know
you've given up on
human contact.
225
00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:34,367
His is when you know
you're not expecting anyone
226
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:36,667
to call round
ever again.
227
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,234
Right.
228
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,501
Here it is.
Great.
229
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,133
My flat.
230
00:12:46,334 --> 00:12:48,300
This is the door to it.
231
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:51,167
Pretty much a standard door.
232
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,934
Hinges...
233
00:12:54,934 --> 00:12:56,100
Yeah.
234
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:57,801
God, hinges.
235
00:12:57,801 --> 00:13:00,501
Oliver?
Yes, of course. Door.
236
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:04,667
Let's get this door
on the road.
237
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,033
One day,
238
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:11,434
one dark, lonely afternoon...
239
00:13:11,434 --> 00:13:15,334
You realize you've
stopped hiding your porn.
240
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,033
It's just lying around
everywhere!
241
00:13:25,033 --> 00:13:28,367
My living room has lost
the battle with nudity.
242
00:13:28,367 --> 00:13:30,701
You spend an evening
stoned on my sofa,
243
00:13:30,701 --> 00:13:35,067
you think a girl's changing room
is leaking through from
another dimension.
244
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:48,167
Ou should not,
in those circumstances,
phone the emergency services.
245
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:53,701
Behind the door...
They're everywhere!
246
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:56,334
They're coming!
Over there!
247
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,234
Right, here we are.
248
00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:05,767
My flat.
249
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:11,000
So there i am,
beautiful woman
actually inside my flat.
250
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:15,200
On the downside, fully dressed.
On the upside, not a photograph.
251
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:21,200
All i can think of is,
i need time.
252
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,868
If she just went to the loo,
i could clear stuff away.
253
00:14:23,868 --> 00:14:27,901
I just needed somehow to suggest
in some subtle way
254
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:30,367
she needed to visit the loo.
255
00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:37,100
Would you like
to have a pee?
256
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,400
Yes, lovely. Thanks.
257
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,701
Lemon, if you got it.
258
00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:43,400
Lemon?
259
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:48,167
I'm sorry. I thought
you just offered me
a cup of tea.
260
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:51,434
Ha ha ha ha!
No, no! Ee!
261
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:56,601
Oh, God, sorry!
No! No!
262
00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:59,200
I'm not offering you
a drink of--
263
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,334
quite the reverse.
264
00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,367
Oh.
265
00:15:06,367 --> 00:15:08,167
Oh, i see.
266
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:12,334
I just meant if you'd like to
avail yourself toiletwards.
267
00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:13,534
No, thanks.
268
00:15:14,968 --> 00:15:16,968
Are you sure?
269
00:15:16,968 --> 00:15:19,400
Well...yeah.
270
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,167
It's no trouble.
271
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:22,801
I'm fine, really.
272
00:15:22,801 --> 00:15:25,801
Right. Cool.
273
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:28,267
Well, it's there
if you want it.
274
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,467
Yes.
275
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:31,667
Waiting.
Kay.
276
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:33,868
"Feed me."
277
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,968
Sorry. That was
a horrible image.
278
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,334
You know,
279
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:43,534
i really wouldn't
mind that cup of tea.
280
00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:46,334
Yes! Yes, of course!
281
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:52,334
Could you help yourself?
I've got to check something.
282
00:15:52,334 --> 00:15:53,334
Sure.
283
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:54,834
That's the kettle.
284
00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,300
I think i can manage.
285
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,434
As long as you don't
set anything on fire.
286
00:15:58,434 --> 00:16:00,634
I'm sort of on the Black list.
287
00:16:02,734 --> 00:16:04,267
Aaah!
288
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:11,801
Aaah!
289
00:16:13,901 --> 00:16:16,634
Couldn't find
the tea bags.
290
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:18,367
Ah--
291
00:16:18,367 --> 00:16:21,267
are you tidying away
your magazines?
292
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,100
Pretty much.
293
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:26,734
Right, can i just ask,
for my own information,
294
00:16:26,734 --> 00:16:29,033
content of magazine-wise,
295
00:16:29,033 --> 00:16:32,200
how much is, um..showing?
296
00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:35,601
Well...
297
00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:38,501
There seems to be a woman
called Nicole...
298
00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:40,033
Okay...
299
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:44,133
...who i don't think
is really brazilian.
300
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,901
Okay.
301
00:16:45,901 --> 00:16:47,801
Fine.
302
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:49,667
Good.
303
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:52,834
This is just
so bloody typical
304
00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:56,067
of this whole damned room!
Room?
305
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:59,501
What I've been trying to do--
i expect you've been wondering--
306
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:02,067
is make some vague attempt
307
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:04,200
not to seem like
a complete pervert.
308
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,133
So I'm wondering,
given the contents
of this room,
309
00:17:07,133 --> 00:17:09,467
is there any chance
of me not seeming like
310
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:12,334
the saddest, loneliest
serial masturbator
311
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:14,934
in the history
of the planet?
312
00:17:19,834 --> 00:17:21,334
( giggling )
313
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:27,434
what is that woman doing?
314
00:17:27,434 --> 00:17:29,501
She's in a hay loft.
315
00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:31,334
She's naked.
316
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:33,467
She's naked
in a hay loft.
317
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:36,968
I don't understand.
What do you enjoy about this?
318
00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:40,901
Not so much
the hay loft.
More the naked.
319
00:17:40,901 --> 00:17:42,567
But what's the story?
320
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:45,133
Well, there isn't really
a story, as such.
321
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:48,300
I mean, one minute
she's up here,
322
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,367
sitting all...like that--
323
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:54,000
well, there really isn't
a plot to work out here.
324
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,234
And the next,
she's over here
bending over.
325
00:17:57,234 --> 00:17:59,901
What's going on?
It's just general bending.
326
00:17:59,901 --> 00:18:02,467
Doesn't she know
where the camera is?
327
00:18:02,467 --> 00:18:05,133
I suspect that she does,
in fact.
328
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:08,067
My God!
329
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,734
Oh, please!
330
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:11,934
Look at that!
Yes, i know.
331
00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:15,801
I mean, that's just
a big picture of--of--
332
00:18:15,801 --> 00:18:17,834
Brazil, yes.
333
00:18:17,834 --> 00:18:21,000
Where is the rest
of this woman?!
334
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,000
It could be anywhere.
335
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,934
A hay loft,
a swimming pool,
336
00:18:25,934 --> 00:18:28,467
a strangely 70s bedroom--
there's quite a range.
337
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:31,367
This is what you enjoy?
This?!
338
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:33,133
Of course
it's what i enjoy!
339
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:34,400
I mean, look at it!
340
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,167
It's like being...born!
341
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:42,100
You must have loved that.
342
00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,701
Okay, are we finished now?
343
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:48,634
Or would you
like to search my flat
for embarrassing laundry?
344
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:51,634
Don't get me wrong, oliver,
I'm a very sexual person.
345
00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:54,267
In fact,
I'm a very bisexual person,
346
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,868
so i sort of
double up on that.
347
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,901
Yeah, yeah.
You're just frightened
of naked people.
348
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:01,534
There's naked,
and there's naked.
349
00:19:01,534 --> 00:19:03,501
And you're not bisexual.
350
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:05,467
I'm sorry?
351
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:06,968
I don't buy it.
352
00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:09,167
You don't what?
353
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:12,100
And i don't buy
the crazy, wacky Jane thing.
354
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:15,601
And i don't buy
the you-follow-the-
philosophy-of-plants thing.
355
00:19:15,601 --> 00:19:18,133
I think you're terrified
you're not interesting enough
356
00:19:18,133 --> 00:19:19,601
so you make up
any old rubbish
357
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:20,968
just to try
and get attention.
358
00:19:20,968 --> 00:19:23,367
Do me a favor,
look in the mirror.
359
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:27,033
The way you look--
as if you have to try.
360
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:31,334
I am so bisexual!
361
00:19:31,334 --> 00:19:33,234
Yeah?
362
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:36,901
Okay!
363
00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:41,234
Jane, I'm a science fiction fan.
364
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:43,767
I run a science fiction
bookshop.
365
00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:45,534
It's the headquarters
of lonely.
366
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:47,234
I am the Boss of sad.
367
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:50,534
You can fool everyone else,
but you can't fool me.
368
00:19:50,534 --> 00:19:54,100
There's naked,
and there's naked.
369
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:56,767
How's this for naked?
370
00:19:56,767 --> 00:19:58,667
Well...
371
00:19:58,667 --> 00:20:00,200
Well?
372
00:20:07,033 --> 00:20:09,234
Actually, i prefer videos.
373
00:20:09,234 --> 00:20:10,868
What?
374
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:13,901
I prefer porn in video form.
It's more realistic.
375
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:16,133
Do you have any of those?
376
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:18,033
You'd never
be able to handle it.
377
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,968
I'll make some more tea.
378
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:24,267
You see, tea isn't
compatible with porn.
379
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:26,567
The two aren't linked.
380
00:20:26,567 --> 00:20:28,601
They're never gonna
be marketed together.
381
00:20:28,601 --> 00:20:30,400
I mean, how would that work?
382
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,467
"Double pack--
mags and bags."
383
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:36,467
"More to the cupful!"
"rattle your China!"
384
00:20:36,467 --> 00:20:38,968
"I'm a little teapot
short and stout,
385
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:41,100
here's my handle,
here's my--"
386
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:47,534
how's this for naked?
387
00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,501
Jane--
388
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,334
yes, oliver?
389
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,767
You're, um...
390
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:56,767
You're...
391
00:20:56,767 --> 00:20:59,501
Yes, i am, oliver.
392
00:20:59,501 --> 00:21:01,467
Totally, in fact.
393
00:21:01,467 --> 00:21:03,434
Totally, yes.
394
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:06,200
Right. Thought so.
395
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:10,033
Aren't you gonna
say anything?
396
00:21:12,434 --> 00:21:15,167
I...really,
397
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,501
really appreciate this.
398
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:19,133
You're welcome.
399
00:21:20,267 --> 00:21:22,934
Hope you didn't
go to any trouble.
400
00:21:22,934 --> 00:21:25,133
Well...
401
00:21:26,534 --> 00:21:28,734
I just took my clothes off.
402
00:21:28,734 --> 00:21:31,767
That doesn't sound too bad.
403
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:38,734
Right, so, uh...
404
00:21:38,734 --> 00:21:40,801
What's the plan here?
405
00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:42,634
Plan?
406
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,667
With the whole...
Nudity element.
407
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,567
Nothing.
408
00:21:48,567 --> 00:21:49,567
Oh.
409
00:21:49,567 --> 00:21:52,167
Now.
Oh.
410
00:21:52,167 --> 00:21:54,300
I just wanted to check
411
00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:57,100
you were happy
with what you saw.
412
00:21:57,100 --> 00:22:00,400
I'm so happy,
i could go off.
413
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,968
Are you free on Tuesday?
414
00:22:01,968 --> 00:22:05,133
Right. Fact is,
i can't actually remember
415
00:22:05,133 --> 00:22:07,467
a single thing about
the rest of my life
at the moment.
416
00:22:07,467 --> 00:22:10,200
I'm not absolutely sure
what Tuesday is.
417
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,734
Why don't you
come over to my place
Tuesday evening?
418
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,501
Okay.
419
00:22:20,067 --> 00:22:22,667
What's gonna happen?
420
00:22:22,667 --> 00:22:28,167
Well, you're gonna
ring on the doorbell,
I'm gonna answer the door...
421
00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:29,501
Right.
422
00:22:29,501 --> 00:22:33,601
...and at about midday
the following day...
Yeah?
423
00:22:33,601 --> 00:22:36,334
...I'll put you down again.
424
00:22:39,467 --> 00:22:43,701
You're a very sweet man,
oliver Morris.
425
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:46,968
And, boy...
426
00:22:46,968 --> 00:22:50,367
Am i ever gonna fix that.
427
00:22:53,601 --> 00:22:58,100
I'm just gonna
pop my clothes back on
and head off home.
428
00:22:58,100 --> 00:23:00,901
You don't have
any decent tea, anyway.
429
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,767
This is Tuesday.
430
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:05,367
I know.
431
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,133
Ladies, I'll be
leaving you now.
432
00:23:10,133 --> 00:23:14,167
Oliver Morris is about
to discover a whole new octave.
433
00:23:15,868 --> 00:23:18,267
This is Tuesday.
I know.
434
00:23:18,267 --> 00:23:19,667
Fantastic!
435
00:23:19,667 --> 00:23:22,501
Tonight's the night!
I know.
436
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:24,701
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be full-on.
437
00:23:24,701 --> 00:23:26,167
You think?
438
00:23:26,167 --> 00:23:29,734
As long as
you don't get nervous
and make an ass of yourself.
439
00:23:29,734 --> 00:23:31,234
Nice one, Patrick.
440
00:23:31,234 --> 00:23:33,434
It's been ages
since I've had sex.
441
00:23:33,434 --> 00:23:35,968
It's probably
changed completely by now!
442
00:23:35,968 --> 00:23:38,801
No, it's basically
the same process.
443
00:23:38,801 --> 00:23:41,400
What if there's
a new erogenous zone?
444
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,934
I can never even find
the old ones.
445
00:23:43,934 --> 00:23:47,601
It's not like they're labeled,
those lying bastard sex manuals.
446
00:23:47,601 --> 00:23:51,534
Like, bother to mention
the dotted lines
aren't for real!
447
00:23:51,534 --> 00:23:53,834
Take it from her ex.
448
00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:57,701
Jane will tell you
where the zones are.
449
00:23:57,701 --> 00:24:00,067
Constantly,
like a running commentary.
450
00:24:05,167 --> 00:24:08,167
Go to it, my friend.
Good luck in there.
451
00:24:08,167 --> 00:24:11,434
Thanks, guys.
I'll be thinking of you.
452
00:24:11,434 --> 00:24:14,000
Probably best not,
actually.
453
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,801
Yeah, you're right.
Good tip.
454
00:24:15,801 --> 00:24:17,767
Okay.
455
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,934
Craziness!
456
00:24:22,467 --> 00:24:26,267
Aw....
He'll be fine.
457
00:24:26,267 --> 00:24:29,267
How did you know?
458
00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:30,767
Know what?
459
00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:34,534
About Jane.
About the running
zone commentary.
460
00:24:34,534 --> 00:24:36,267
You've never
slept with her.
461
00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:38,734
Of course i have.
462
00:24:40,467 --> 00:24:42,934
But you--you told Sally--
463
00:24:42,934 --> 00:24:47,634
on the phone that night,
when we had the big
unstoppable phone call!
464
00:24:47,634 --> 00:24:50,434
You swore you'd never
slept with Jane!
465
00:24:50,434 --> 00:24:53,701
Right. Yes, uh...
466
00:24:53,701 --> 00:24:55,267
Of course.
467
00:24:55,267 --> 00:24:56,701
Good point.
468
00:24:56,701 --> 00:24:59,367
But, you see,
469
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:02,434
when you asked me
if I'd slept with Jane
470
00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:06,534
and i said, "yes, i have,"
what i meant was...
471
00:25:06,534 --> 00:25:08,934
"No, i haven't."
472
00:25:08,934 --> 00:25:11,267
You slept with Jane?!
473
00:25:11,267 --> 00:25:13,601
No, of course not.
Never happened.
474
00:25:13,601 --> 00:25:15,934
And that's my last word
on the subject.
475
00:25:15,934 --> 00:25:19,834
Patrick, i know you.
You can't keep a lie
like this going.
476
00:25:19,834 --> 00:25:21,100
Yes, i can.
477
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:22,834
Damnit!
478
00:25:25,067 --> 00:25:28,167
Jesus, Patrick,
if you've lied to Sally--
479
00:25:28,167 --> 00:25:29,767
i have not lied to Sally.
480
00:25:29,767 --> 00:25:32,400
Okay. When did this happen?
481
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,667
The lying
or the sleeping with Jane?
Damnit!!!
482
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:40,701
This was before Sally, right?
Ages before.
483
00:25:40,701 --> 00:25:43,934
Look, can we stop with
the trick questions, please?
484
00:25:43,934 --> 00:25:46,968
Of course, if Jane starts
being in a couple,
485
00:25:46,968 --> 00:25:50,667
then her function
as spinster comparison
will be out the window.
486
00:25:50,667 --> 00:25:52,868
And frankly, i think
we need to keep one of us--
487
00:25:52,868 --> 00:25:55,501
oh, my God.
What?
488
00:25:55,501 --> 00:25:59,067
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
489
00:25:59,067 --> 00:26:01,100
What are you doing?
Phoning Steve.
490
00:26:01,100 --> 00:26:03,100
Steve doesn't need
to know about this.
491
00:26:03,100 --> 00:26:06,300
This is never gonna fly.
You have to tell her.
492
00:26:06,300 --> 00:26:08,334
( cell phone rings )
493
00:26:08,334 --> 00:26:09,501
yeah?
494
00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:11,734
Hi, darling, it's me.
I've got big news.
495
00:26:11,734 --> 00:26:14,334
If it's Jane and oliver,
I've just heard.
Bigger than that.
496
00:26:14,334 --> 00:26:16,367
What, Jane and Patrick?
You heard about that too?
497
00:26:16,367 --> 00:26:19,334
Jane and Patrick?!
498
00:26:19,334 --> 00:26:21,801
Jane and Patrick?
499
00:26:23,167 --> 00:26:25,033
Susan?
500
00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:29,501
Please, don't tell Sally
i slept with Jane.
501
00:26:29,501 --> 00:26:32,501
Because anyway,
it didn't happen.
502
00:26:32,501 --> 00:26:35,200
And also it was
years ago. Okay?
503
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,868
"Okay" is not the word.
504
00:26:38,868 --> 00:26:40,167
Sally?
505
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,334
Darling.
506
00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:44,434
Hello.
507
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,834
So, you slept with Jane
and didn't tell me.
508
00:26:49,834 --> 00:26:51,801
I can explain everything.
509
00:26:51,801 --> 00:26:53,300
( mouthing words )
510
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:55,901
I'm listening.
511
00:26:55,901 --> 00:27:01,000
I was gonna tell you about it,
but instead, i lied.
512
00:27:02,434 --> 00:27:05,000
Did you video it?
513
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,634
What?
514
00:27:06,634 --> 00:27:09,434
You videotaped
most of your conquests.
515
00:27:09,434 --> 00:27:12,033
Is there a video of Jane
in your cupboard?
516
00:27:12,033 --> 00:27:15,133
Don't be daft.
Only an idiot
would keep the tape.
517
00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:17,467
Thank you, Susan.
518
00:27:17,467 --> 00:27:21,734
Well, that will make
interesting viewing.
519
00:27:21,734 --> 00:27:24,567
No, no! Sally,
you can't go!
520
00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:26,801
Sorry, this is an emergency.
521
00:27:26,801 --> 00:27:27,934
Yes, it is!
522
00:27:27,934 --> 00:27:30,000
Is Sally going to my flat?
Bloody hell!
523
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,868
Sorry, Steve.
I've gotta go.
524
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:36,901
Blimey!
525
00:27:36,901 --> 00:27:39,100
It's all happening,
isn't it?
526
00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:40,267
Yes, it is.
527
00:27:40,267 --> 00:27:44,100
Well, the shit's really
hit the fan now.
528
00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:47,467
Yes, Steve.
As have my waters.
529
00:27:47,467 --> 00:27:49,267
Yeah.
What?!
530
00:27:49,267 --> 00:27:52,200
My water's just broke.
531
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,467
The big news is,
I've just gone into labor.
532
00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:56,767
Oh, my God!
533
00:27:56,767 --> 00:27:58,200
Yes!
534
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,267
Wh-what do i--
535
00:28:01,334 --> 00:28:03,534
i-i-i don't--
536
00:28:03,534 --> 00:28:04,934
me, neither!
537
00:28:04,934 --> 00:28:06,734
How do you feel?
538
00:28:06,734 --> 00:28:10,067
Like...I'm having a baby.
539
00:28:10,067 --> 00:28:12,200
Yeah...
540
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:13,767
Me, too.
541
00:28:20,534 --> 00:28:23,634
* if you can't
make your mind up *
542
00:28:23,634 --> 00:28:27,968
* we'll never get started *
543
00:28:29,467 --> 00:28:32,467
* and i don't want to wind up *
544
00:28:32,467 --> 00:28:34,801
* being parted
545
00:28:34,801 --> 00:28:37,167
* broken-hearted
546
00:28:38,501 --> 00:28:41,701
* so if you really love me
547
00:28:41,701 --> 00:28:43,601
* say yes
548
00:28:43,601 --> 00:28:46,300
* and please don't tell me *
549
00:28:46,300 --> 00:28:47,400
* perhaps
550
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:48,534
* perhaps
551
00:28:48,534 --> 00:28:50,334
* perhaps