1 00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:03,300 * 2 00:00:08,534 --> 00:00:11,701 * you won't admit you love me * 3 00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,434 * and so * 4 00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:16,167 * how am i ever * 5 00:00:16,234 --> 00:00:17,901 * to know? * 6 00:00:17,968 --> 00:00:20,567 * you always tell me * 7 00:00:20,634 --> 00:00:23,934 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * 8 00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:26,267 * perhaps * 9 00:00:27,367 --> 00:00:28,601 * perhaps * 10 00:00:29,701 --> 00:00:30,968 * perhaps * 11 00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:32,667 no! Yes. 12 00:01:32,734 --> 00:01:34,100 She never-- she did. 13 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:37,133 Serious problem, Steve. Top of the range problem. 14 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,701 Problem number one. 15 00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:41,400 This is like captain problem. 16 00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,701 This is like, "Houston, forget that other thing." 17 00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:45,501 It's always "problem number one." 18 00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:47,501 Why isn't it ever "problem number 27"? 19 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,934 What, trapped dental floss? 20 00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:57,100 So at some point 21 00:01:57,167 --> 00:01:58,734 you've sat down, 22 00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,734 thought about all your problems, 23 00:02:00,801 --> 00:02:02,133 and... 24 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,734 Numbered them? 25 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:07,601 Well, we've all had nights like those. 26 00:02:07,667 --> 00:02:10,534 And you got as far as 27? 27 00:02:10,601 --> 00:02:14,033 Can i just remind you of your situation? 28 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,567 I know about my situation. 29 00:02:16,634 --> 00:02:18,701 There is now no lock. 30 00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:19,968 I know. 31 00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:21,567 No lock, Steve. 32 00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:22,934 I know. 33 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,767 On your toilet door! 34 00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:29,434 I don't see the problem. 35 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:31,133 You never see the problem. 36 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,133 You are problem-blind. 37 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,100 You'll probably carry on being happy 38 00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:37,334 till the day you die-- then you'll see. 39 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,901 But no lock! 40 00:02:38,968 --> 00:02:40,467 I get that, i do. 41 00:02:40,534 --> 00:02:42,968 Your actual bathroom door, totally lockless! 42 00:02:43,033 --> 00:02:44,834 Yes, i know, i was there. 43 00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:48,133 Steve, you can never go to the toilet again. 44 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,300 Well, obviously i suggested we put it back on again. 45 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,367 Yeah, and so rejoin the civilized world. 46 00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:57,000 And she said, "it's hardly worth it, is it?" 47 00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,734 You protested, of course. 48 00:02:58,801 --> 00:03:01,100 In the only language she understands. 49 00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:02,601 Which is? 50 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,267 Total agreement. 51 00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:10,400 I still don't see the problem. 52 00:03:10,467 --> 00:03:12,400 ( sighs ) okay... 53 00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:15,100 Let's try this one more time. 54 00:03:15,167 --> 00:03:18,067 Patrick has a girlfriend. 55 00:03:18,133 --> 00:03:19,400 Yeah? 56 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,667 A girlfriend. Yeah, got that. 57 00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:26,667 Patrick--okay?-- has a girlfriend. 58 00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:29,734 Patrick, girlfriend, he's got one. Up to speed. 59 00:03:29,801 --> 00:03:31,901 A girlfriend! 60 00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,334 It's only a lock. 61 00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:37,567 Only a lock? Only a lock? 62 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,234 What's so important about a lock? 63 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:41,467 You need to be enclosed. 64 00:03:41,534 --> 00:03:44,033 Secure all areas. 65 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,601 Otherwise you can't de-clench. 66 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:49,434 "De-clench"? 67 00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:52,901 De-clenching is out of the question without a lock. 68 00:03:52,968 --> 00:03:56,634 No offense, but have you guys ever been de-clenched? 69 00:03:57,834 --> 00:04:00,400 You need security. Exactly. 70 00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:02,234 You need to be able to say to yourself, 71 00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:03,934 "I'm safe. I'm alone. 72 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,901 "No one's gonna walk in and laugh. 73 00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:08,000 Mummy's gone to the shops." 74 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:10,634 You're scaring me now. 75 00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:12,467 You gotta be really quiet 76 00:04:12,534 --> 00:04:14,067 in case there's secret listeners. 77 00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:16,467 Secret listeners? 78 00:04:16,534 --> 00:04:20,067 There could be secret listeners. You can't rule them out. 79 00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:23,200 Well, it's fairly unusual to rule them in. 80 00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:25,601 If you want the lock back on the door, 81 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:26,901 why don't you just tell her? 82 00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:28,300 That's what I'd do if my girlfriend 83 00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:30,400 made an error in household maintenance. 84 00:04:30,467 --> 00:04:32,601 Household maint-- 85 00:04:33,934 --> 00:04:35,601 I'm sorry? 86 00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:37,200 I'm sorry, what? 87 00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:39,000 Are we to understand 88 00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:40,901 that there's some woman you're currently seeing 89 00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:42,968 and you refer to her as... 90 00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:44,634 Your "girlfriend"? 91 00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:49,434 So Patrick has a girlfriend. I don't see the problem. 92 00:04:49,501 --> 00:04:50,901 Oh, for God's sake. 93 00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:53,200 Susan has invited us all to dinner. 94 00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:54,934 Right. 95 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,667 I'll be there. Patrick will be there. 96 00:04:56,734 --> 00:04:59,100 Patrick's girlfriend will be there. 97 00:04:59,167 --> 00:05:00,868 So? I thought you and Patrick 98 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,701 had agreed to see other people anyway. 99 00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:04,400 Of course we did, and it was my idea. 100 00:05:04,467 --> 00:05:06,801 I suggested we should both pursue other relationships. 101 00:05:06,868 --> 00:05:08,567 But i didn't mean specifically him. 102 00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:11,534 Oh! Can i bring someone, too? Someone? 103 00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:13,934 Someone real, or just a friend? 104 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,234 Real. 105 00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:16,801 But not James? 106 00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:19,267 No, James is still in Germany or one of those countries. 107 00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:21,734 But we also agreed to see other people 108 00:05:21,801 --> 00:05:23,534 while we work out our feelings. 109 00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,968 Of course, James doesn't believe in 110 00:05:26,033 --> 00:05:28,601 sex before marriage, so i can be more thorough. 111 00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:30,968 So who's this new one? 112 00:05:31,033 --> 00:05:34,167 He moved in across the street from me about a month ago. 113 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:35,300 Gorgeous! 114 00:05:35,367 --> 00:05:37,601 How gorgeous? Knitting pattern? 115 00:05:37,667 --> 00:05:39,601 Better than knitting pattern. Shaving advert? 116 00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:40,934 Ay porn. 117 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,534 Wow! Result! 118 00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:44,100 I lucked out one morning 119 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:45,734 and saw him standing at his window. 120 00:05:45,801 --> 00:05:48,133 It was like a combination of fate and destiny. 121 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,934 So, come on-- tell us everything. 122 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:52,367 He works in pizza delivery. 123 00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:54,601 Which just answers all your prayers, doesn't it? 124 00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:57,067 Man, motorbike, has own food! 125 00:05:58,334 --> 00:05:59,434 Right. 126 00:05:59,501 --> 00:06:01,634 He's handsome, yet romantic. 127 00:06:01,701 --> 00:06:04,334 Inside, he's just a lost little boy. 128 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,834 But only i know that, 129 00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:07,467 because there's a secret chamber to his heart 130 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:08,934 to which only i have the key. 131 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,167 And i just can't stop looking at him. 132 00:06:11,234 --> 00:06:12,767 I just want to look at him all the time-- 133 00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:14,033 all day, every day. 134 00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,634 From the moment i wake up in the morning 135 00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,801 to the moment he closes his curtains. 136 00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:23,200 So, this, um, relationship of yours-- 137 00:06:23,267 --> 00:06:26,434 does it in any way involve, you know, him? 138 00:06:26,501 --> 00:06:31,000 Oh. We're still keeping it at the not-actually-met-yet level. 139 00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:34,434 Sometimes i look at him sitting there, waiting, 140 00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:37,300 and sometimes i can almost hear the terrible voices 141 00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:39,868 of his inner torments echoing out 142 00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:42,467 from the great Black emptiness of his heart-- 143 00:06:42,534 --> 00:06:45,167 "I'm alone. Nobody wants me. 144 00:06:45,234 --> 00:06:47,400 "I'm a sad, boring little person 145 00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:49,067 "who has to be the center of attention 146 00:06:49,133 --> 00:06:50,501 "every second of the day 147 00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:52,434 "just to drown out the screaming choirs 148 00:06:52,501 --> 00:06:53,901 "of my own insanity, 149 00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:56,167 and I'll never find a man of my own!" 150 00:06:57,567 --> 00:07:00,868 Oh, my God-- do you think he's gay? 151 00:07:02,234 --> 00:07:04,801 "Girlfriend" is just a word, 152 00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:08,567 like "waitress" or "masseurs"... 153 00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,334 Or "valve." 154 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,334 It's a word you never use. Okay, fair point. 155 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,300 Generally i don't like to use the word "girlfriend" 156 00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:18,901 in case it's mistaken for affection, 157 00:07:18,968 --> 00:07:21,400 but Jennifer is different. 158 00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:22,501 Different how? 159 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,000 She doesn't like me that much. 160 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:28,133 She even sees other people. 161 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,133 For once in my life, I'm in a relationship 162 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,000 and i don't have to worry about my exit strategy. 163 00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:33,167 Isn't that great? 164 00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:37,868 Your DNA must cry itself to sleep at night. 165 00:07:37,934 --> 00:07:40,767 So, do we get to meet her? 166 00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:44,200 Yeah. Susan said i should bring her to dinner. 167 00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:46,767 Oh, Susan wants to know if you're gonna bring Julia. 168 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,367 Uh, no. Probably not. 169 00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,667 Is there a problem? We haven't seen her in ages. 170 00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,400 No, no, no. No problem, no problem at all. 171 00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,701 Talkin' of problems, 172 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,801 Sally's coming to this dinner, isn't she? 173 00:07:58,868 --> 00:07:59,968 Hi. 174 00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:01,200 Come on in. 175 00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:03,767 So--is she here yet? Are they here? 176 00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:05,400 Are Patrick and that woman here? 177 00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:08,267 In the living room. You okay? 178 00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:10,200 Fine. Great. Terrific. 179 00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:13,467 Okay, this is it, this is the problem. 180 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,434 When i meet Patrick's girlfriend, 181 00:08:16,501 --> 00:08:18,267 I'll be over-nice. 182 00:08:18,334 --> 00:08:19,801 Over-nice? 183 00:08:19,868 --> 00:08:21,968 You've been there. We've all been there. 184 00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:24,801 She's the girlfriend of a bloke who's a friend of yours, 185 00:08:24,868 --> 00:08:26,567 so you've gotta prove 186 00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:28,868 you're not some kind of mad dinner-for-one girl 187 00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:31,000 who secretly wants the bloke for herself. 188 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:34,501 Do you want to run "dinner-for-one girl" past us? 189 00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:37,300 You know how some women go to the supermarket 190 00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:39,567 and they see all those little dinner-for-ones 191 00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,501 and it's like you can hear them calling-- 192 00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:46,334 "come to us, Sally Harper! Come join us!" 193 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,000 Yeah, I've noticed they do that. 194 00:08:48,067 --> 00:08:50,367 And it's always your name, isn't it? 195 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,834 You've got to prove to this girl 196 00:08:55,901 --> 00:08:57,234 that you're not jealous of her, 197 00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,033 so you've gotta be really, really pleased to meet her. 198 00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,000 And you over-nice her. 199 00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,400 Suddenly you're talking really loudly, 200 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:04,901 and every time she makes a joke, 201 00:09:04,968 --> 00:09:07,601 you're laughing away like an enormous aunt 202 00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:10,067 and using words like "super" and "lovely." 203 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,334 "Oh, don't you just look so super in that dress?" 204 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,567 And "oh, don't you have lots of lovely freckles?" 205 00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:18,868 And "you're so brave, not wearing a bra." 206 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:22,000 The last one wasn't that nice. 207 00:09:22,067 --> 00:09:25,400 Well, it's dinner, she could at least wear underwear. 208 00:09:32,434 --> 00:09:34,200 Is that her? 209 00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:37,701 'Fraid so. Patrick's in the loo. 210 00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:39,801 She's got perfect skin. 211 00:09:39,868 --> 00:09:41,434 Deep fry everything. 212 00:09:43,901 --> 00:09:46,067 Oh, hi! Sorry. 213 00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:48,267 Jennifer, this is Sally. Sally, Jennifer. 214 00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:50,534 Good to meet you. Good to meet you. 215 00:09:50,601 --> 00:09:53,067 Lovely. Super! 216 00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:54,567 Great. 217 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,067 Isn't this super? 218 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,567 Then there'll be this big pause, 219 00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:05,133 and I'll just stand there 220 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,934 smiling away like a nun with concussion. 221 00:10:12,434 --> 00:10:15,100 And I'll just be praying that for once in my life 222 00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:18,033 i don't say something amazingly stupid. 223 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,868 I could eat your hair! 224 00:10:23,968 --> 00:10:25,968 I just mean, it's nice. 225 00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:27,901 Lovely hair. Really lovely. 226 00:10:27,968 --> 00:10:30,067 Well, thanks. 227 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,033 Oh, sorry about the walkman. 228 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,501 It's just some work i need to finish. Work? 229 00:10:37,567 --> 00:10:39,701 Jennifer works in the music industry. 230 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:41,868 Deadline tomorrow, still not done. 231 00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:43,133 You know how it is. 232 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,934 Well, that's an interesting job, isn't it? 233 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,234 Well done! 234 00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,934 Thank you. Again. 235 00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,100 And you're so slim, too. 236 00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:54,501 Slim and interesting. I'm so pleased. 237 00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:55,901 Well, thanks. 238 00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:00,968 Slim. 239 00:11:01,033 --> 00:11:03,901 Slim-slimmity-slim from slimtown, slimania! 240 00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:06,100 You're very kind. 241 00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:09,434 Look at you-- if you turned sideways, you'd drop dead. 242 00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:15,601 Though obviously, i hope you don't. 243 00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:19,133 ( doorbell ) oh, thank God. 244 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,634 I mean, I'll just, um, get that. 245 00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,968 Sally, hi. Hi, Patrick. 246 00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:29,601 So, you two have met, then? 247 00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:31,200 Mm-hmm. 248 00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:32,901 The problem is, 249 00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:36,300 what do i tell Jennifer about Sally? 250 00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:39,033 How do i make it seem credible that i know a woman? 251 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,834 You just have to explain 252 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,100 that Sally's an attractive, single female friend 253 00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:45,467 with whom you have an entirely non-sexual relationship. 254 00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:47,300 Well, that's what I've told her. I've already said that. 255 00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:48,534 Good. 256 00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:50,534 I mean, i summarized. 257 00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:51,968 Summarized? 258 00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:55,400 Yeah, i thought "lesbian" covered it. 259 00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:58,767 You told her that Sally is a lesbian?! 260 00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:00,767 I hinted at that, yes. 261 00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:04,200 Hinted? I hinted something in that general area. 262 00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,033 What did you say? 263 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,501 I said that Sally is the kind of woman who... 264 00:12:08,567 --> 00:12:10,467 Is a lesbian. 265 00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:11,767 Sally?! 266 00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,934 Who's gonna believe Sally's a lesbian? 267 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:18,133 Sally could be a lesbian. 268 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,634 Geoff, please! 269 00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:21,901 Bit of effort, no problem. 270 00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:23,834 But she isn't. That's the point! 271 00:12:23,901 --> 00:12:27,267 It could happen, though. She could be... 272 00:12:27,334 --> 00:12:29,400 She could be havin' a shower, maybe. 273 00:12:29,467 --> 00:12:31,501 And probably Jane would be there. 274 00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,767 And she might happen to say, 275 00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:37,434 "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" 276 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,868 "Your breasts, Sally?" 277 00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:43,534 "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." 278 00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,300 "Oh, i know what you mean, Sally. 279 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:48,000 "Breasts can be a real dirt trap. 280 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,934 Let me get the shower nozzle." 281 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,200 You do understand that there's a difference 282 00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:57,767 between real life and low-quality lesbian porn? 283 00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:01,033 You don't know that. What?! 284 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:04,167 You don't know what women get up to on their own. 285 00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:06,801 Why reject the only evidence we have? 286 00:13:06,868 --> 00:13:08,534 It's not evidence! 287 00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:10,033 It might be. 288 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:13,334 Maybe women are completely different when we're not with them. 289 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,734 Maybe they're not cross all the time. 290 00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:18,567 You can't say Sally's a lesbian. 291 00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:20,100 You know it'll go wrong. 292 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,834 How? 293 00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:24,033 Excuse me a moment. 294 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,067 Yes, of course. 295 00:13:30,868 --> 00:13:32,968 Well, I'm very jealous. 296 00:13:33,033 --> 00:13:36,033 Wish i could get into those jeans. 297 00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:41,434 Anyway, you can't say that about Sally. 298 00:13:41,501 --> 00:13:43,100 She might not exactly be pleased. 299 00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:45,267 Well, Jennifer won't think any less of her. 300 00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:49,601 It turns out that, uh... Jennifer's quite into women. 301 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,434 You lucky bastard! 302 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,834 Oo lucky. 303 00:13:57,901 --> 00:14:00,300 Far, far too lucky. 304 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,167 So, where is he, then? Where's mr. Perfect? 305 00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:09,801 Oh, he'll be here, don't you worry. 306 00:14:09,868 --> 00:14:13,400 Actually, i better just give him a ring. 307 00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:15,934 So, how did you finally crack it, then? 308 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,467 How did you meet him? 309 00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:20,234 Hello? 310 00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,400 Could i order a pizza, please? 311 00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,901 Oh, Jane! 312 00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:26,334 ( doorbell ) that'll be Geoff. 313 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,234 Well, remind him not to frighten Jennifer. 314 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,100 Why would he frighten her? 315 00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:31,334 He might say something. 316 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,534 What's he gonna say? 317 00:14:33,601 --> 00:14:37,300 Steve, I've worked out how to go to the toilet. 318 00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:40,701 I'm going to your loo right now, 319 00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,067 and I'm not a bit scared. Ask me why. 320 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,067 Geoff, Patrick's new girlfriend's here. 321 00:14:45,133 --> 00:14:46,701 Promise me you won't frighten her. 322 00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:48,200 Why would i frighten her? 323 00:14:49,267 --> 00:14:52,601 Do you wanna see my secret toilet weapon? 324 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,100 I'd like the tall, dark one, please. 325 00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:58,434 With eyes as green as the Sea and twice as deep... 326 00:14:58,501 --> 00:15:01,000 And a way of looking at you that makes the sky spin 327 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,067 and your heart beat in your chest 328 00:15:03,133 --> 00:15:05,834 like a caged beast of desire. 329 00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:07,901 Oh, i see what you mean. 330 00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:10,767 I'll have a Margarita with extra mushrooms. 331 00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:23,100 Are you talkin' to me? 332 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,067 You talkin' to me? 333 00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:32,567 Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! 334 00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:49,133 Area secure, 007. 335 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,501 ( walkman blasting ) 336 00:15:57,834 --> 00:16:00,167 ( knock at door ) 337 00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:15,000 what's that? 338 00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,334 It's, uh... 339 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,701 It's a toilet aid. 340 00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:25,033 A toilet aid? 341 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:28,601 It helps me de-clench. 342 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,434 ( water runs in bathroom ) 343 00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:47,200 oh, I'll just be a moment. 344 00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,534 Well. 345 00:16:54,601 --> 00:16:55,968 Well. 346 00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:01,000 So, am i to assume 347 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:03,400 that you and Patrick have some kind of 348 00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,234 open relationship? 349 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:08,601 Why do you ask? 350 00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:11,200 You know, just wondering. 351 00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:13,767 Just wondering if this open relationship 352 00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:15,701 extends to you slipping out to the loo 353 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,601 for a quick fumble with one of his best friends? 354 00:17:20,801 --> 00:17:22,901 I think you know what i mean. 355 00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:26,467 Yeah, um, i-- i think i do. 356 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,434 Well? You're very direct, aren't you? 357 00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:33,434 Sorry, sometimes i don't bother with the niceties. 358 00:17:33,501 --> 00:17:36,167 Uh, well, okay, yeah-- 359 00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:37,701 yeah, you're right. 360 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,033 Patrick and i do see other people, 361 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,334 as a matter of fact. 362 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:44,200 We're not what you'd call serious or anything. 363 00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,467 I take it that's of interest to you? 364 00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:48,567 Why should it be of interest to me? 365 00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:50,934 Well, you are being rather obvious. 366 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,701 Am i? 367 00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,300 Obvious? 368 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,634 Do you really think so? 369 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,033 Well, yes. 370 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,968 No. I am not obvious. I am nev-- 371 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,434 oh, God! Are you all right? 372 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,601 How could i be obvious? 373 00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:09,467 I was going for repressed. I'm usually so good at that. 374 00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:12,267 Yeah, i think you may have slipped a little there. 375 00:18:12,334 --> 00:18:14,033 I always do this. 376 00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:17,267 I always go completely mad for the one person i shouldn't. 377 00:18:17,334 --> 00:18:20,467 Well, it might be a little bit early to say completely mad. 378 00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,267 Yes, i suppose. 379 00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,000 Damnit! 380 00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:27,334 Listen, would it cheer you up to know 381 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:30,334 that Patrick really isn't my type? 382 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,601 He isn't? 383 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,367 Is that good news in any way? 384 00:18:35,434 --> 00:18:37,934 Well... 385 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,868 Fairly good news, i suppose. 386 00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:43,601 And, uh, as it happens, 387 00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:46,467 i might just have my eye on one of his friends. 388 00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:50,467 I did get that impression. 389 00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:53,133 Good. 390 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,901 Being a bit obvious yourself. 391 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,000 So, definitely good news, then? 392 00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,367 Really quite good news, actually. 393 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:06,033 Because, you know, when i walked in 394 00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:10,567 and saw you looking so gorgeous and young 395 00:19:10,634 --> 00:19:12,067 and slim, 396 00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:13,501 with all those eyes, 397 00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,901 i just thought... 398 00:19:15,968 --> 00:19:18,334 "What chance do i have?" 399 00:19:20,934 --> 00:19:23,901 Every chance, Sally. Every chance. 400 00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:27,534 Oh, Jennifer, i could kiss you! 401 00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:31,734 Tell you what, 402 00:19:31,801 --> 00:19:33,801 why don't we go out some time next week? 403 00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,467 That would be lovely. 404 00:19:35,534 --> 00:19:38,567 We could have a chat, and who knows where it might all lead? 405 00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:41,067 Who knows? Great. 406 00:19:42,434 --> 00:19:44,834 You won't tell Patrick, will you? I'd die. 407 00:19:44,901 --> 00:19:46,400 Trust me, 408 00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:49,634 he would think it was the biggest turn-on ever. 409 00:19:49,701 --> 00:19:51,534 Do you really think so? 410 00:19:58,133 --> 00:20:01,267 ( indistinct conversation ) 411 00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:27,167 ( mouthing words ) 412 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,267 what's wrong? 413 00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:40,601 I was just wondering what i did with my walkman. 414 00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:42,367 I thought i left it in here. 415 00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:43,667 No, you were wearing it 416 00:20:43,734 --> 00:20:45,934 when you were sitting on the loo. 417 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:49,334 Yeah, right. Of course i was. Yeah. 418 00:20:56,901 --> 00:20:58,501 How did you know that? 419 00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,400 I popped in. 420 00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:04,534 Popped in? 421 00:21:04,601 --> 00:21:06,167 I could see you were busy, 422 00:21:06,234 --> 00:21:07,567 i didn't like to say anything. 423 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,300 Oh. Right. 424 00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:11,200 No lock, you see, on the door. 425 00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,000 No lock. 426 00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:17,100 Right, yeah, of course. 427 00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:20,234 Sorry, that must have been a bit embarrassing for you. 428 00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:23,434 Oh, no, not at all. I didn't see anything good. 429 00:21:23,501 --> 00:21:25,100 Oh, right. 430 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,934 Uh, well, 431 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,934 when i say "good," um, 432 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,901 i saw nothing... 433 00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:35,767 Below the rim. 434 00:21:35,834 --> 00:21:37,734 Fine. 435 00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:41,133 I think we can leave the subject now, Geoff. 436 00:21:45,033 --> 00:21:46,133 Of the toilet. 437 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,367 Yes, Geoff, thank you. 438 00:21:53,801 --> 00:21:56,467 So, the food okay for everyone? 439 00:21:56,534 --> 00:21:59,000 Oh, fine. Well done. Fantastic. 440 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:02,067 That pizza's taking its time. 441 00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:03,734 Thank you, Jane. 442 00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:05,200 Pizza? 443 00:22:05,267 --> 00:22:07,434 Jane's invited her new boyfriend. 444 00:22:07,501 --> 00:22:09,434 Which is good, because she's never actually met him. 445 00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:11,033 That's not true. 446 00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:13,868 I bumped into him in the post office two days ago. 447 00:22:13,934 --> 00:22:16,701 Did you actually speak to him? I introduced myself. 448 00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:18,434 Managed to avoid gushing. 449 00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:20,267 Told him i lived in the flat opposite. 450 00:22:20,334 --> 00:22:22,133 And let me tell you, girls, 451 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,534 binoculars do not do that man justice. 452 00:22:24,601 --> 00:22:26,167 Really. 453 00:22:26,234 --> 00:22:29,734 Which i think he was pleased to know. 454 00:22:33,567 --> 00:22:35,234 Um, Jennifer. 455 00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:36,400 Sally? 456 00:22:36,467 --> 00:22:38,200 You didn't know 457 00:22:38,267 --> 00:22:40,234 Geoff was in the bathroom with you? 458 00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,100 Well, no. 459 00:22:43,133 --> 00:22:44,467 Right. 460 00:22:46,334 --> 00:22:49,100 ( thinking: ) just wondering if this open relationship 461 00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:52,300 extends to you slipping off to the loo for a quick fondle 462 00:22:52,367 --> 00:22:54,133 with one of his best friends... 463 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:55,901 Are you all right? 464 00:22:55,968 --> 00:22:57,400 Fine. 465 00:22:57,467 --> 00:23:01,767 Well, i wasn't in the bathroom on purpose. 466 00:23:01,834 --> 00:23:04,033 There's no lock on the door. 467 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:05,234 We got that. 468 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:09,767 I'm not like a secret listener or somethin'. 469 00:23:09,834 --> 00:23:11,667 A what? 470 00:23:11,734 --> 00:23:13,534 You know how when you go to the toilet 471 00:23:13,601 --> 00:23:15,133 you always try to be really quiet-- 472 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,133 it's not a widely-known problem, Geoff. 473 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,567 Not that I'm saying that you make a lot of noise. 474 00:23:19,634 --> 00:23:21,667 You're very quiet. 475 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:22,667 Geoff! 476 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:25,200 Not that I'd know, of course. 477 00:23:25,267 --> 00:23:26,534 Maybe you're not. 478 00:23:26,601 --> 00:23:28,067 Please! 479 00:23:28,133 --> 00:23:30,601 Maybe that's why you have to wear the walkman. 480 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,634 Geoff, is there somewhere we can fit you with an "off" switch? 481 00:23:35,701 --> 00:23:38,267 Look, it's not my fault, it's Susan's fault. 482 00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,601 She took the lock off. You said so yourself. 483 00:23:42,934 --> 00:23:44,400 Oh, for heaven's sake, 484 00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:46,467 you haven't been discussing your bathroom lock issues 485 00:23:46,534 --> 00:23:48,200 with your little pals, have you? 486 00:23:48,267 --> 00:23:50,501 Of course i haven't! Why would i do that? 487 00:23:50,567 --> 00:23:51,534 No, no, you did. 488 00:23:51,601 --> 00:23:52,901 Patrick. 489 00:23:52,968 --> 00:23:54,567 In the bar, remember? 490 00:23:54,634 --> 00:23:56,467 Yeah, at the bar, the other night. 491 00:23:56,534 --> 00:23:58,734 Thank you both. 492 00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:00,367 Nice work. 493 00:24:00,434 --> 00:24:04,000 Men and toilets-- the love that dare not speak its name. 494 00:24:04,067 --> 00:24:05,934 What's that about? 495 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,801 H, Jennifer, i could kiss you! 496 00:24:11,234 --> 00:24:13,467 Steve: We are men! 497 00:24:13,534 --> 00:24:15,534 Throughout history 498 00:24:15,601 --> 00:24:18,133 we have always needed, in times of difficulty, 499 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,567 to retreat to our caves. 500 00:24:20,634 --> 00:24:23,067 It so happens in this modern age 501 00:24:23,133 --> 00:24:25,267 that our caves are fully plumbed. 502 00:24:25,334 --> 00:24:28,667 The toilet, for us, is the last bastion, 503 00:24:28,734 --> 00:24:30,300 the final refuge, 504 00:24:30,367 --> 00:24:34,734 the last few square feet of man-space left to us! 505 00:24:34,801 --> 00:24:37,367 Somewhere to sit, something to read, 506 00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,901 something to do, 507 00:24:38,968 --> 00:24:41,534 and who gives a damn about the smell? 508 00:24:41,601 --> 00:24:43,667 Because that, for us, is happiness. 509 00:24:43,734 --> 00:24:47,067 Because we are men. We are different. 510 00:24:47,133 --> 00:24:49,534 We have only one word for "soap." 511 00:24:49,601 --> 00:24:51,334 We do not own candles. 512 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,400 We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. 513 00:24:55,467 --> 00:24:59,167 We do not own magazines full of photographs 514 00:24:59,234 --> 00:25:01,901 of celebrities with all their clothes on. 515 00:25:01,968 --> 00:25:04,234 When we have conversations, 516 00:25:04,300 --> 00:25:07,868 we actually take it in turns to talk! 517 00:25:07,934 --> 00:25:10,100 But we have not yet reached 518 00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:13,400 that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair 519 00:25:13,467 --> 00:25:16,901 where we would have a haircut recreationally. 520 00:25:16,968 --> 00:25:19,868 We don't know how to get excited about 521 00:25:19,934 --> 00:25:22,300 really, really boring things, 522 00:25:22,367 --> 00:25:25,734 like ornaments, bath oil, 523 00:25:25,801 --> 00:25:27,934 the countryside, 524 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,434 vases, small churches. 525 00:25:30,501 --> 00:25:34,834 I mean, we do not even know what in the name of God's ass 526 00:25:34,901 --> 00:25:38,601 is the purpose of potpourri! 527 00:25:38,667 --> 00:25:41,534 Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! 528 00:25:41,601 --> 00:25:44,167 Why do we need that? 529 00:25:44,234 --> 00:25:45,501 So please-- 530 00:25:45,567 --> 00:25:48,367 in this strange and frightening world, 531 00:25:48,434 --> 00:25:51,067 allow us one last place to call our own. 532 00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,934 This toilet, 533 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,834 this blessed pot, 534 00:25:54,901 --> 00:25:58,834 this fortress of solitude. 535 00:25:58,901 --> 00:26:00,200 You girls, 536 00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:02,634 you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. 537 00:26:02,701 --> 00:26:04,667 Yet we do not pass comment, 538 00:26:04,734 --> 00:26:06,667 we do not make judgment. 539 00:26:06,734 --> 00:26:09,734 That is your choice. 540 00:26:09,801 --> 00:26:12,601 But we men will always walk 541 00:26:12,667 --> 00:26:15,567 the toilet mile alone. 542 00:26:20,634 --> 00:26:22,601 Would you like me to put the lock 543 00:26:22,667 --> 00:26:24,400 back on the toilet door, dear? 544 00:26:24,467 --> 00:26:25,901 Would you mind? 545 00:26:25,968 --> 00:26:28,601 You should have asked. 546 00:26:28,667 --> 00:26:31,067 That's true, actually, women always go in groups. 547 00:26:31,133 --> 00:26:34,334 Look at Jennifer and Sally-- in the loo together for ages, 548 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,601 and they've only just met. 549 00:26:36,667 --> 00:26:39,100 ( Geoff snorts ) 550 00:26:39,167 --> 00:26:41,534 what's the matter with you now? 551 00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:44,133 He thinks you and Sally spent your time flirting 552 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,567 and probably arranging a lesbian date. 553 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:52,267 You had no business listening! 554 00:26:52,334 --> 00:26:55,033 That is between Sally and myself! 555 00:27:01,834 --> 00:27:03,300 Sorry, i, um-- 556 00:27:03,367 --> 00:27:05,100 you think I'm gay? 557 00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:07,634 Why would you think I'm gay? 558 00:27:07,701 --> 00:27:09,667 Well, Patrick told me. 559 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,667 Patrick? 560 00:27:14,734 --> 00:27:16,734 Yes, Sally? 561 00:27:19,033 --> 00:27:21,100 Did you tell Jennifer I'm gay? 562 00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:23,734 Uh, well, i-- 563 00:27:23,801 --> 00:27:26,934 i may-- i may have inadvertently-- 564 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,434 but what's the big deal? I mean, you are gay. 565 00:27:29,501 --> 00:27:31,634 Of course I'm not gay! 566 00:27:31,701 --> 00:27:34,667 Then if you're not gay, why did you come on to me? 567 00:27:34,734 --> 00:27:37,267 She did, Patrick. She came on to me like big time. 568 00:27:37,334 --> 00:27:39,801 I did not! I absolutely did not! 569 00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:42,033 I'm not making this up! Why would i? 570 00:27:42,100 --> 00:27:44,901 Why did you do that? I didn't! 571 00:27:44,968 --> 00:27:47,734 You shouldn't be coming on to my girlfriend. 572 00:27:47,801 --> 00:27:51,033 You leave her alone, she can do what she likes. 573 00:27:52,033 --> 00:27:53,501 Tell us everything. 574 00:27:53,567 --> 00:27:54,901 Geoff! 575 00:27:54,968 --> 00:27:57,567 She said that she was completely mad about me, 576 00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,834 and she was practically in tears. 577 00:27:58,901 --> 00:28:01,334 I thought we were talking about Patrick. 578 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,667 I wasn't saying i was completely mad about you, 579 00:28:03,734 --> 00:28:04,667 you stupid woman, 580 00:28:04,734 --> 00:28:06,634 i was saying i was mad about Patrick! 581 00:28:08,234 --> 00:28:11,334 and then i go and spoil it all * 582 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:15,467 * by saying something stupid like "i love you" * 583 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,200 * "i love you" * 584 00:28:21,701 --> 00:28:23,501 * "i love you" * 585 00:28:25,767 --> 00:28:27,033 Sally! 586 00:28:36,634 --> 00:28:37,901 Pizza for one. 587 00:28:39,734 --> 00:28:42,067 That'll be for me. 588 00:28:44,901 --> 00:28:46,200 * the time is right * 589 00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:48,834 * your perfume fills my head, the stars get red * 590 00:28:48,901 --> 00:28:51,868 * and though the night's so blue * 591 00:28:53,934 --> 00:28:56,033 * and then i go and spoil it all * 592 00:28:56,100 --> 00:29:00,100 * by saying something stupid like "i love you" * 593 00:29:02,601 --> 00:29:04,634 * "i love you" * 594 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:09,067 * "i love you" *