Previously on "Weeds"...
I need a miracle. I need a miracle!
[ Cellphone rings ]
I think God wants him alive.
Nancy: Can I please have my money?
No. And I think you about to give me them drugs, too.
Fuck you, Latrice.
You worse than I thought.
Put a baby in me.
Come on, shithead. Give me your sperm.
It doesn't cost you anything. All right.
[ Laughing ] What?
I love college so much.
Why didn't anybody tell me how awesome college is?
'Cause you were never gonna go.
We have to leave Seattle.
Okay. Why?
We're on the run now, honey. It's what we do.
Kimmi...
Yeah?
Can I borrow your car? Nancy: You got a car!
You are the hero of this family!
No, I just borrowed it.
Silas, you've only known her for a couple of days,
and this is crisis time here, so open the fucking trunk.
What the fuck are you doing here?
[ Muffled grunting ]
Andy! We got to go, now!
Aah! [ grunts ]
You ripped my ear. Now I can't wear earrings.
Man: Open up. Sheriff's department. One second!
Hi.
I'm with king county child protective services.
Is there a male infant living here?
Oh. He peed on my pee.
We crossed streams.
This looks weird.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Hello? Shane?
Mom...
The fuckers got me.
[ Knock on door ]
Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Whose baby is this and why did you pee on it?
[ Laughs ] No. We crossed streams.
It's... our... our pee intersected.
It did not get on the baby.
Most of the pee did not get on the baby.
Look, um, we are very capable of creating
a nurturing, infant-friendly environment.
The arrow in the closet is purely decorative.
This is baby Avi. He belongs to my son, Shawn.
You said you didn't have any kids.
Stepson. He is.
I thought you weren't married.
Right. Nathalie!
[ Pounding on door ]
Answer, answer, answer, answer.
Cesar: Hello? Where are you?
Bring his son. I bring your son.
Then we trade.
A shoe for a shoe.
I want to speak to Shane again. No.
Time to listen.
[ Pounding continues ] Hang on. Fuck!
Aah! Aah!
Aaah!
You're too loud.
Kimmi: You're awesome!
No, you're awesome.
Man: What up, faggot?!
Who was that? Who do you think, faggot?
Now he's giving you a lewd gesture.
It's a guy thing.
Tell him, uh, when he's back,
I'm gonna kick his ass in "Ultimate."
[ Chuckling ] Right.
Okay, pick me up at 6:00.
[ Click ]
Cesar: Drive east on 90.
I'll call you back in 20 minutes.
And make sure you pick up.
Okay. East on 90. Okay.
Bitch, you gonna get your teeth bent back.
Yeah, my son's been kidnapped. Can't fight with you right now.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Why did you guys blow town for Seattle?
Better schools.
He killed Pilar.
Oh, the guy who redid the bathroom?
No.
Evil bruja.
Oh.
[ Stomach growls ]
Got any food?
Hey, remember that time that I brought you with me
to collect from the guy with the hat
and then after I kneecapped him, you stepped on his hat?
Yeah. Good times.
[ Laughs ] Good times.
Would you really put a bullet in me?
Sí.
[ Sighs ]
Would you just breathe on me so I could smell some food?
And then the termites surrounded the foundation
and devoured the porch,
and so that's why we're living here now.
Where's the baby's father now? Shawn, is it?
He's, um...
Who are you?
Who the fuck are you?
Oh! Oh, I miss Megan.
This is my other son, Mike.
And we need to be somewhere really important right now.
So, if we could just...
Come to my office for a follow-up.
We'll need to see some documentation.
Bring the father.
Tomorrow.
Call me.
[ Sighs ] That was a close one.
Cesar's got Shane.
Son of a bitch.
[ Sighs ]
[ Telephone ringing ]
Female voice: You've reached the voice mailbox of...
Esteban: Esteban.
Female voice: Please record your message.
[ Beep ] Hi.
Uh, it's me again.
Boy, am I sorry I ignored your calls.
Uh, I see now that that was really wrong.
And I'm so, so sorry
for not picking up the phone
and talking to you directly.
[ Radio tuning ] I'm so sorry. It was really wrong.
[ Radio shuts off ] Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Y-you must have felt awful.
Um, I'd love to talk to you about it
and apologize directly.
And I'd also really love to talk to you about Shane.
You knew that was gonna get my attention.
Boy, you were right. You got it.
[ Air conditioning blows ] Kidnapping your baby boy's brother!
Really?!
[ Loudly ] Solid move, padre-of-the-year... [ air conditioning shuts off ]
Shitty fucker!
You macho cowboy, I...
Asshole.
[ Normal voice ] So, um...
I hope to hear from you soon.
I'd ask Shane how to disable the caller I.D.,
but... oops... he's been kidnapped.
So, um, please call this off.
Please call me back.
Okay? And I'm... I'm sorry.
[ Beep ]
Would it be worth,
I don't know, having a hypothetical discussion
on what would happen if we gave Stevie...
No. That's insane.
What are you doing? Is that my mascara?
War paint. You're gonna need backup.
Yeah, you're not coming with me.
Of course I'm coming with you.
You look like rum tum tugger. Yeah.
Cesar and I have a rapport.
He's got his icy stare. I've got my melty eyes.
Eh, we're frenemies.
Just what if? What if?
I'm not saying we actually do it. I'm just saying what if.
'Cause think about it.
I could go to college, get a degree.
Shane could...
I don't know, become one of those good serial killers
who only kills other serial killers.
Okay.
No, I'm listening.
What would be so terrible? Hypothetically.
Parallel universe. A boy and his father.
We could stop running.
Stevie's your brother.
Stevie's a time bomb.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Okay, I can do this, Nance.
You're dropping me off.
You're gonna find a-a public, crowded restaurant.
You're gonna wait there. You're gonna eat something.
Well, at least take the car.
You're taking the car. Keep a distance.
Stay...safe.
[ Beep ]
Cesar: There's a museum up ahead.
Hola, Cesar. ¿como esta?
You look like you've lost weight.
Put the baby down and step back.
No, no. He's sleeping.
Where's my son?
One shoe at a time.
[ Groaning ]
I'm... I'm sorry about that,
but I know you were gonna shoot me fit.
Shane!
If you can't talk, kick something!
Make a sound!
[ Sighs ]
Where is he?
I'm a sinewy beast. Very backup worthy.
What do you think she's doing?
Negotiating.
It's been 10 minutes. I'm starting to feel panicky.
She's a lone wolf. Always has been.
Nothing we can do about it.
Well, we can't do anything here.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
What is it? What is it?
[ Chuckles softly ] Kimmi sent me her boobs.
Wowser.
Hey. Oh, sorry.
Aah, let's go.
Shane's our Shane, too. We don't always have to do everything she says.
We're team Newman. We could hide in the bushes. She wouldn't have to know.
But we'd be her insurance... just in case.
Yeah, right after we eat.
'Cause we'll be useless on an empty stomach.
Coffee?
Fill her up.
Actually, I'm trying to decide between the tilapia torpedos
and the meat-lovers moose tracks...
the entrée size, not the app.
No, you're not.
Come on, man. I've had nothing to eat in three days
except for a linty-car French fry.
He's on a diet.
That's not cool.
Waitress: I tried the one
where you only eat cotton balls soaked in gelatin.
I lost 6 pounds, but it killed the fetus.
Coffee?
Black.
And you?
Cream and sugar.
Wow, that's cute.
It's how I used to drink it when I was a kid.
[ Chuckles sarcastically ]
Empty your pockets.
Come on. Give me your keys.
I know where he is.
[ Sighs ]
[ Dialing ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Ringing continues ]
Hello? Shane's phone.
What is up?
Give me that. Give me his phone.
That was bratty.
What is that? What's in your hand?
Nothing.
Drop it.
[ Clinks ]
[ Beeping ] Male voice: You are a champion!
Seriously?
I have a mean fastball.
Give me your phone.
Give it!
Aah!
Who... who are you calling?
[ Ringing ]
Esteban: Sí, Cesar?
Oh, wow. Esteban.
Hi. I didn't...
[ click ]
How did that go?
Are you eating your napkin?
No.
Okay, fine.
You can eat packets of artificial sweetener.
Got to be insane to eat that shit. It's rat cancer.
It'll turns your bladder into a squishy pit,
and it'll slowly and painfully slide out your shit shaft.
Have it your way.
God wants me to live.
And I still don't understand why.
For a lot of reasons.
Tell me one.
I need to take a piss.
[ Chuckles ]
Fine. But I'm watching you.
Still gonna kill me?
It's not up to me, pequeño diablo.
So, a croquet mallet...
You get a good bludgeon out of that?
Does the job.
It's not easy, huh, your first?
It wasn't that hard.
My first was my stepdad.
His name was Ramon.
He traveled a lot for work.
Think he sold hats. No... shoes.
No, I'm pretty sure it was hats.
He was fat. Really fat.
Not funny fat, but fat.
One night, I come home. He ate my cookies.
So I slit his throat with my pocketknife,
with my navaja.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm glad he didn't beg.
Not that I gave him time for it, anyways.
[ Laughs ]
And afterwards, I find the cookies. They were in my room.
Did you feel bad?
[ Scoffs ] No.
Yeah, me neither.
That was fast.
You ever close your eyes and see her face staring back at you?
Only when I jerk off.
I've had playing cards shoved under my fingernails.
I've had a piece of my ear cut off and reattached.
And three Colombians once took turns
shooting gasoline up my culo with a turkey baster.
So nothing you can say or do will make me talk.
Hi. Hi, is your mommy home?
[ Woman speaking Spanish on TV ]
[ Ringing ]
It's ringing, but she's not picking up.
Maybe she's trying to call us.
Yeah. We should keep the lines free.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
What are you doing?
I got to call this girl before she freaks out.
Hey.
Traffic's a mess.
And, um, I think there...
there must be a mariners game or something.
But I'm... I'm gonna be there in a bit for sure.
Okay.
[ Beep ]
Where the heck is my French toast?!
[ Gasps ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Laughs ]
And we're dead.
What's your last name?
I don't remember. So, what is it?
De la Cruz. De la Cruz.
Hi, Mrs. de la Cruz.
It's, um, it's Nancy...Reyes, Esteban's wife.
Yes! Hi. How are you? How's the villa?
Uh, it's good. It's good.
Esta bien. Um, listen...
Sorry. Go on.
Um...
I know that Cesar might not share with you
everything that happens at work,
but today, he kidnapped my son.
And now he's threatening to kill him.
Tell her about the arrow.
Mrs.... Mrs. de la Cruz? Hmm?
I-I was just wondering if you... you could talk to him,
you know, as another mother.
I see. Is he there?
You let me talk to him. Yeah, he's right here. Okay.
Here, talk... talk to her. She wants to talk to you.
Sí.
Bueno.
What did she say?
She said to kill you and come home.
She's making albóndigas for dinner.
[ Sighs ]
[ Thud ]
[ Beeping ] Male voice: You are a champion!
[ Beeping continues ]
[ Up-tempo music plays in background ]
[ Whispering loudly ] Pittsburgh!
[ Coughing ] Sammy Davis, Jr.!
Fuck.
Not the ashtray.
Ah.
Maybe... maybe we should call mom again.
I can do this. You don't think I can do this?
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
I'm goin' in.
This time, no broom.
Just fists, sinew, Andy-meat.
Whatever happens, don't try to save me.
Are you sure? No.
[ Grunts ]
[ Sneezes ]
Bless you.
Sit down, please. Okeydoke.
And, you... Bring the little one.
Hey, Silas.
Silas. What's up?
Oh, hey, there. Your French toast is ready.
Or did you want to eat with your friends?
Yeah.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Cesar.
[ Groans ] Cesar! Cesar!
Oh.
I'm... I'm gonna put you on speakerphone.
Be good, and I'll... I'll call you an ambulance, okay?
English preferred.
You're never gonna be safe, you know.
Answer it.
Hello?
Ignacio: Everyone, say hi to Cesar.
Andy, Doug, Silas: Hi, Cesar.
Ignacio: Man, come pick me up.
You never guess who I found.
[ Click ] [ breathes deeply ]
Come on, Cesar. Where are you?
Drives like my grandmother.
On her left hand, she got two ring fingers.
How does that affect her driving?
It's just a fun fact.
Maybe he's having trouble getting mom into the trunk.
[ Chuckles ]
Shane. My son.
And he fed you... nachos.
Yum!
[ Sighs ]
I feel... I feel so...
Mom, are you okay?
Where's Cesar?
Um...
Cesar. You should've seen me. I was heroic.
Cesar had an accident.
He's in the hospital. You should go and visit him.
So, now I'm going to take my Shane and my Stevie,
and I'll be going.
We'll all be going. Doug, you can come, too.
You all right there, Doug?
There's this stupid kid. He's such a fucking jerk.
Ah.
I have a gun pointed at your scrotum.
Well...
I have a gun pointing at your lady scrotum.
What do you want?
Uh, nothing. Water.
Lemon wedge?
Uh, no. Water. Ice.
Uh, we're out of ice.
How can you be out of ice?
The ice machine broke.
Okay, then lemon. So, no water?
I'll have a steak sandwich. Side salad. Strawberry shake.
Doug, not the time.
Doug?
Nancy: Come on, Ignacio, you really think
you can successfully transport an infant
2,000 miles by yourself?
Sí.
What exactly does a 3-month-old eat?
Chicken. Crackers.
Incorrect.
Well, maybe you come with me.
We both know that's not gonna happen.
[ Chuckles ]
Your hands are shaking.
You're not gonna shoot me.
I will.
No.
I could.
Don't get me wrong. You're a toughie.
But this... [ taps ]
No.
So, why don't we discuss a little more
about our plans?
He's right. You're not gonna shoot him.
I will if I have to. But you don't have to.
You gonna put a bullet in me, mijo?
[ Gun cocks ]
What do you think?
Follow your dreams, mijo.
Follow your dreams.
♪ I will dream of sunny skies of blue ♪
[ engine turns over ]
[ Horn honks ]
Hey, it's me.
Yeah...
Your car got stolen.
Also, I think we should see other people.
Female voice: You have reached the voice mailbox of...
Esteban: Esteban.
Female voice: Please record your message.
[ Beep ] Hi. It's Cesar.
[ Chuckles ]
Just kidding.
Um, don't be mad at him. You know?
I'm a... I'm a mother lion.
And you can't defeat a mother lion when you threaten her cubs.
You might think it's the same thing for papa lion,
but it's not.
It's not the same thing at all.
Esteban, I want to thank you
for our beautiful boy.
But, um, I have to disappear now.
I will always speak well of you
and I-I'll always tell him how much I loved his father
and how so, so fond of you I once was.
[ Sniffles ]
You're gonna miss Stevie, and I'm so sorry for that.
But he needs me alive more than he needs me dead.
Shocker... I know.
Again, it... it... it hurts you, I know.
And I'm... I'm sorry, but I'm the mom.
And... He needs me more, so...
Oh, um, Cesar's alive, by the way, if that was unclear.
[ Chuckles softly ]
So, um...
Good luck with your crime and stuff.
Okay. Bye.
Una navaja.
Oh, Shane, Shane...
No more Spanish.
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