Previously on "weeds"...
Andy: I love her. But I ran.
Aah!
It's over. Audra, don't.
He's a good guy.
Hey, those are mine!
They're mine now.
The Newmans will succeed where the Botwins failed.
They will find jobs.
They will live a normal life.
You're looking at the new sous-chef.
I'd like you to read to me.
I need to find a girl to have sex with.
[ Laughing ] What?
I love college so much.
I'm in charge of Avi.
You guys are a bad influence.
We know Avi's mother wasn't killed in the Iraq.
Tell us the truth
or we can call child protective services together.
You have to keep me alive so I can lead you to him.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to die.
Guests have been asking where they can get certain herbal items.
What the hell is this? Hash.
When I get a request, I put you on the housekeeping schedule for those rooms.
The guests will put the money under the pillow,
you leave the hash.
You got cash?
Nancy: So, your trimmings, you just throw them away?
I'll take 'em.
I'm thinking $100 buys me a lot.
I get shit done.
Cop: You!
Don't fuckin' move!
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Run.
You two are in deep shit.
Talk to me about the van.
Run now.
Run fast.
What?
I... van.
Yes, your van that we just booted.
The van that has over $6,000 in unpaid parking tickets.
The van whose plates don't match the vehicle.
Ring a fuckin' bell?
That suburban minivan?
No. Ew.
Yeah, ew. Totally.
Bullshit.
Neighbors saw a white couple fitting your description
get out of it an hour ago.
We're cool people.
Urbanites.
It's sort of our identity.
It's silly, we know, these days.
When gonorrhea is becoming drug-resistant.
When Iran is teetering.
Turducken.
The hell are you babbling about?
That's not your van?
Those are just a statement of defeat.
Like, "I'm just gonna buy into the whole thing."
Defeat?
Or maybe you're trying to impress someone
by being something you're not, when, in truth,
you don't love this person and you never really did
and maybe they're just really judgy with weird limp hair...
For example.
Cop: Where's your vehicle, then?
Or are you just out for a stroll?
Just taking out the...
Lawn trimmings.
We should do that.
Honey, where'd you put the bins?
Bins? I found bins.
[ Chuckles ] Yay, bins!
Back of the house, back of the house, back of the house.
Cop: Wait!
Blue is recycling.
You said those were lawn trimmings.
[ Laughs ]
Damn this colorblindness. It's a true story.
We support you
in your current funding fight with the city.
Sometimes we use the back door.
I bet she wasn't even in the army.
You really think the military-industrial complex
would let the real story get out?
I'm calling child protective services.
Cheryl, phone. Great.
And maybe I'll tell them about
Allison's little prescription friends.
Not supposed to be driving with a child
in the vehicle on those, are you, Ally?
And, Cheryl, I'm not sure how they'd feel about a woman
who still lets her 5-year-old breast-feed.
Cheryl.
And, Rebekah, you don't need anyone
looking into the visa status of your housekeeper, do you?
What is she, Honduran? Guatemalan?
Don't fuck with me, bitches.
Why did this happen?
Payback, Nance. It's the karmic boomerang.
Of course the plates Silas and I stole
would be from a felon-level scofflaw.
Karma boomeranged.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Not where... who.
You're Nancy Botwin,
and since it didn't directly affect you,
you didn't fucking notice.
Man, these things are well-made.
What are they, Chinese? Excuse me.
Why are you mad at me?
[ Sighs ]
"Judgy"?
Oh, that.
"Weird hair"? "Limp hair"?
E happens to have very lustrous hair.
I-I don't have any idea where that came from.
I suppose I had thoughts. They chose that moment to come out.
Not thoughts. You had feelings.
Your real feelings, which you hoarded like a...
like a chipmunk in your cheeks.
Are you sure that's a good idea?
"Everything's fine," you said. "Mazel Tov," you said.
But your cheeks were bulging, and I could see it,
and Audra could see it, and it drove a wedge.
You ran out on her.
[ Grunts ]
Girls know these things, Nance.
'Cause they're more in tune with the subtleties
of interpersonal, kissy stuff flying around.
And also because, in the end,
you're all petty, jealous, daddy-issue everything-ruiners.
Yeah, it's starting to smoke.
You're like the dog on the bridge that wants both bones.
That's you. You want all the bones.
I don't know why you're heaping this shit on me right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I really think you should focus away from things... You know exactly why, and here we go again
talking over each other. ...Like dogs and bones.
It's really getting old, Nance.
Geez, God!
Boomerang.
Damn it!
[ Sighs ]
What now?
The van's no good for us anymore, anyway.
Soon, the VIN's gonna hit the right database,
and we're livin' in fucked city, U.S.A.
Everyone's gonna be looking for us here.
I thought you registered the van under a different name.
Yeah... Shane Botwin.
'Cause it was the only other social that I knew by heart.
How do you know Sha...
never mind.
Goodbye, Seattle.
[ Laughs ]
It never even rained.
What a rip-off.
[ Alarm chirps ]
Woman: Mr. Botwin, our sensors indicate
that you've experienced a sudden loss of tire pressure.
Hello?
Mr. Botwin?
Hello?
Why didn't anybody tell me how awesome college is?
'Cause you were never gonna go.
It would just be mean,
like telling a blind person how awesome colors are.
Shut up.
I may not be academic smart, but I'm smart.
I started my own business. I read.
To old dudes in your underwear.
That's it. You're going down.
That what the old man said?
Catlike reflexes.
Perfect, considering you're a total pussy.
Tell that to Pilar.
Who's the blond? Is that his brother?
Please. They look nothing alike.
I bet they're doing it with each other.
Well, whatever their relationship is,
they are clearly not equipped to raise a baby.
Oh, my God, they just spilled croutons on his blankie.
What if he's gluten-intolerant?
What's gluten?
[ Sighs ] Shut up, Cheryl.
No bread!
I was getting into trouble
while you were still wetting the bed.
Yeah, stealing video cameras
and knocking up your deaf girlfriend.
Gangster.
Face it, Silas, we're hard core and you're pg-13.
What's your point?
You're the blond sheep of this family.
I think you were adopted.
[ Chuckles ] I wish.
That would be awesome.
Check, please?
You going to work?
Fuck the hotel.
I'm going back to school.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, my God, in all his glory.
I have not been a faithful servant.
In fact, I've been a pretty miserable servant.
You're hurting the tree.
I tried to read the Bible. I did.
But it always felt like a much less awesome "Lord of the Rings."
What are you writing, anyway?
My and Maria's initials.
I carved our names on our first date.
And I do it still.
Women appreciate the little things.
I would like to believe the whole thing...
karma, an afterlife.
I would like to go to heaven,
have drinks with cool people I never got to meet...
mom, James Dean, Harriet Tubman, dad, Patrick Swayze.
I can't die like this.
I always wanted to be buried with my banjo and snacks
and heartbroken women and dogs throwing themselves on my grave.
I once loved a girl from the neighborhood
named Rosa Galindo.
Mm.
I carved her name, too.
Into Manuel Gonzalez's thigh.
Oh, God, please hear my prayers.
Let's kill him now.
If we leave soon, I can be home
for Julia's tap recital tomorrow.
I need a miracle. I need a miracle!
You're wasting your final moments.
I'm not supposed to die here. I know it.
Step in, guy. Save me, come on.
God has better things to worry about
than assholes like you.
This sucks so much.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello?
What?
Yes, this is Shane Botwin.
The tire?
Yes.
Remind me where I left it.
They found the van.
Holy shit.
That's so spooky.
Uh, are we still gonna kill him?
No!
I think God wants him alive.
Thank you.
Vamos, cabrón. Vamos.
Okay, okay.
Where's mine?
You said you didn't want anything.
You could have got me something...
a fish sandwich of contrition.
Penance fries.
An "I'm sorry I ruined your new career" McMuffin.
Let's face it, Andy.
You would have screwed it up within a week.
What?
You don't actually want what you can have.
That's why you want me.
'Cause you can't have me.
[ Slurps ]
None of you give a shit.
Not really. And I get it.
Why learn about the world
when within seven seconds of opening your macbook,
you could be in a photo-realistic grenade battle
with an 8-year-old in saginaw
or watching underaged Hungarian gangbang videos?
But let's make a deal.
One hour twice a week, we're gonna be engaged.
Fight me.
Call me a liberal, elitist, latte-sipping socialist scumbag.
Just care about something.
'Cause when you're done whatevering your life away,
the world will absolutely blow your fucking minds.
He is so right.
Let's begin.
You and I... we'll never, right?
Just say we'll never.
They all die, Andy.
I like you too much to want you to die.
Holy cow, you're right. They do all die.
[ Slurps ]
Your pussy's a death sentence.
A penis flytrap.
You're Dr. Kavagian.
All right, then.
Wait. Esteban's not dead.
Not yet.
[ Slurps ]
So, by not loving me, you're actually saving me?
By not sleeping with you, I'm probably saving you, yeah.
[ Slurping ]
[ Sighs ]
You have to release me, Nance.
This is the moment right now,
waiting for the number 43 bus.
Let me go. Release me.
Say, "it'll never happen."
Come on. Do it!
I can't.
Why not?
I'm afraid.
Of what? You know.
No, I don't. That you'll leave me.
Us.
Wait.
So really, then... I have all the power here.
Not you.
I su... I suppose you do, yeah.
Yeah.
I have the power.
That said, you never know what could happen in the future.
[ Slurps ]
You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Door closes ]
What's wrong with you?
Your mom won't release me.
We have to leave Seattle.
Okay. Why?
'Cause Uncle Andy was starting to find his own thing.
We can't have that!
We're on the run now, honey. It's what we do.
And Silas fucked up with the license plates.
[ Knock on door ]
Huh.
Yeah.
Are you the grandma? You cunts followed me?
Excuse me just one second.
We don't use that word.
"Grandma"?
No, "cunt."
Or "grandma."
We don't use either.
Can you deal with whatever this is?
Don't forget... I have the power.
I know you do.
Where are you going?
To get money and a car or to take a train
to some quaint new england seaside village
and leave you all for good.
I haven't decided which.
I drink, too, sometimes.
Randy here will answer all your questions.
Hey, look what the cat dragged in.
Have you seen don? I need an advance.
Yeah, have you met don? That's not gonna happen.
[ Sighs ] Shit.
Oh, here's an idea.
If you need money, make your fucking drops.
You got more stuff, right?
Of course.
Joe.
Pick up, God damn it!
Oh.
This is my room.
You see, I'm on the schedule.
Can I please have my money?
Unbelievable.
[ Chuckles ]
It's the boomerang.
Did Joe tell you?
Joe ain't have to tell me shit.
Changing the schedule last minute?
"Nathalie has to clean this room.
Nathalie has to clean that room."
I'm thinking, "this bitch must be bad off,
fucking a mini-heeb for better shifts."
Then I discovered your little packages.
Baller-ass drug dealer.
I'm leaving. I'm done.
You know the worst thing?
Now I feel like an idiot
for playing by the rules this whole time.
Fuck you.
Making me feel like a sucker for trying to stay correct.
Look, it's all set up.
You can take over.
Just give me today's money.
I could have bought one of these any time.
Toblerone.
They always felt like something somebody like me
ain't supposed to eat.
"Girl, it's for white people.
Better get your black ass to the store and buy a Kit Kat."
The money.
Money, please.
No.
And I think you about to give me them drugs, too.
The drugs you was gonna leave for 812, 315, 1401.
I think that's what happens now.
I'm dry. I couldn't get any more.
So you was gonna take the money
and leave these fools nothing?
You worse than I thought.
Fuck you, Latrice.
Really, fuck you!
[ Laughs ]
You really ain't good at shit.
[ Laughs ]
You should have somebody clean up in 1212.
I left a mess in there.
Could you take that? Thank you.
I have never felt as connected to anyone
as I feel to my babies.
The bond is that strong.
Oh, my God! I live for my babies!
Mm-hmm. Babies are the best.
You should have a baby. I was gonna...
I was gonna have a baby with a wife.
Now I'm in Seattle with her, sexless.
Sexless in Seattle.
She says that I have the power, but I don't.
I have no power. I have no wife.
I have no bond.
My husband didn't leave me for a 22-year-old.
He's living alone at the Oakwoods.
Just saying that he left me for a 22-year-old
is less embarrassing than the truth...
that he left me for... Not me.
That's awful.
[ Sighs ]
Now I'll never have another baby.
You can have one if you want to.
[ Both chuckle ]
Any Celiac in your family?
Who?
Galactosemia?
I don't think so.
Cystic fibrosis?
Neurofibromatosis?
Mm. This is really weird dirty talk.
Sorry. We can do family histories later.
Put a baby in me.
Wait.
What? No.
No, I can't have a baby with you.
Come on, shithead. Give me your sperm.
It doesn't cost you anything.
All right. Oh. Ho, ho, ho.
All right, hold on. Hold on.
Oh. Whoa, ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, I guess it'd be nice to have my genes passed on
something of the immortal in that.
All right, what the hell? Let's make a baby.
[ Cellphone rings ] Okay.
One second.
Oh, God.
Yeah. Hello?
Will you promise to never leave us?
Yes, I'll promise.
Okay, then. I release you.
From what?
From...Whatever it is you say I...
no, repeat.
I release you from all hopes that we will ever be together.
And I admit...
I've been leading you on sexually and emotionally
in order to keep you close.
Okay, I admit it.
It'll never happen again.
It's over.
Happy?
I'm not sure.
I think you might be full of shit.
That's a distinct possibility.
You're an evil succubus. I'll see you soon.
[ Beep ]
What was all that?
Wrong number.
You have to go now, crazy clock.
The naked run is an empty ritual.
Streaking across campus for what?
Yeah, so we thought that if we make it about something,
we can preserve the ritual but also save the world.
So we're gonna use our bodies as protest signs.
What are you protesting?
Offshore drilling.
And date rape.
Both of them. Yeah.
We couldn't decide.
Don't drill oil.
Or your date.
[ Laughing ] That's awesome! Write that down.
Reporter: But what do you think the protest tonight
is gonna change?
You would like us
to stay silent and complacent, wouldn't you?
Yeah, shut up, news fatty.
It's just the school paper. I don't really care either way.
Typical media bias.
Well, forgive us for caring. Get the hell out of here, man.
Wow.
You are so passionate, Mike.
[ Both chuckle ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh, fuck.
One sec.
What?
When?
But I...
no! What happened to the van?
No. No.
No!
[ Beep ]
What was that?
[ Scoffs ] Nothing.
Kimmi...
Yeah?
Can I borrow your car?
I have been saved.
You saw. You have to feed me.
You're playing with hellfire here, assholes.
Look, I'm just saying that I'm clearly a chosen one,
and I think... oh.
A fry.
A minivan.
Andy was really gonna do it, huh...
the kids, the family, the whole bit?
I once had kids.
I once had a home, kids, 500 CD changer.
Now I'm eating floor fries.
Well, at least God wants me alive.
That's something.
[ Gasps ]
Silas!
You got a car!
You are the hero of this family!
No, I just borrowed it.
I came to say...Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Open the trunk.
No!
I'm staying.
Open the trunk.
I'll give you a Toblerone.
You said this was my decision.
That was before.
Silas, you've only known her for a couple of days,
and this is crisis time here, so open the fucking trunk.
Sweetie.
[ Trunk closes ]
I want you to pull around to the room so we can pack.
And I'm... I'm sorry.
I bet she was completely adorable.
Fuck.
[ Muffled grunting, thumping ]
What the fuck are you doing here?
[ Muffled grunting ]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Kimmi: Hey, how's my car?
Yeah, it's cute.
I like the dream catcher.
[ Muffled grunting ] [ chuckles ] It caught me you.
So, I'll see you tonight?
I'll be there.
[ Alarm chirps ]
[ Muffled grunting ]
So...What happened after I left?
Andy!
[ Stevie fusses ]
We got to go, now!
Can't help but be impressed, huh?
Whoa. Were you in a fight?
Where's Shane?
I sent him to the vending machine for fleeing snacks.
Uh, out now.
Dry. Go. Bring Stevie.
Shit!
Shit.
Shawn: This is Shawn.
You must be old if you're not texting.
So leave a message, mom. [ beep ]
Shane, wherever you are, hide!
[ Dialing ]
[ Ringing ] Andy, stay in here with Stevie!
Don't come out!
Silas: Leave a message.
[ Beep ] Shit!
Silas, drive away.
Danger.
Danger, danger.
Danger.
Um...
Danger. Danger.
Aah! [ grunts ]
[ Door slams ]
Now this is just depressing.
[ Knock on door ] There's a very dangerous man.
You ripped my ear. Now I can't wear earrings.
When you ain't got no hair, that's your flair!
Yeah, bitch have ear flaps now!
[ Knocking continues ] Man: Open up. Sheriff's department.
Sheriff? Shit!
Hello?! Wait!
Shit. Hello?
Quenton, what the hell are you doing?
I have a warrant!
What?! You dumb motherfucker!
[ Knocking continues ]
One second!
[ Knocking continues ]
Hi.
That's her. That's the grandma.
I'm with king county child protective services.
Is there a male infant living here?
Andy!
W-where's Avi?
And where's Randy? That asshole promised me a baby.
[ Andy laughs ]
Oh, yes.
Oh. He peed on my pee.
We crossed streams.
This looks weird.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Excuse me just one second.
Will you handle this? Please handle this.
[ Beep ]
Hello?
Shane!
Where are you? Look, baby, don't be mad.
Shane. Look, this fool just left his 18-wheeler unlocked.
You have ruined something beautiful,
you dumb motherfucker!
Now, look, bitch.
Fuck off!
Shane! Baby, why aren't you talking to me?
Come on. Our love can move past all this!
Shane! Shane?
[ Knock on door ] Open up, bitch.
Mom...
The fuckers got me.
[ Knocking continues ]
You fucked up my ear!
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