Previously on Weeds...
My partner is dead.
I'm gonna get this guy, and I'm gonna kill him.
He was my partner.
- Oh, holy shit. - The Tijuana police?
- Don't enjoy this. - We should flee.
- And I love you. - Take Shane up to my sister's.
- She banged Uncle Andy. - Asshole.
Do not make me go back there.
Everyone hates me.
- Where in the fuck am I? - You're in Texas, ma'am.
- Mr. Sandusky. - I need some pot.
I want to open a store. Medical marijuana.
- Doug is helping me. - We can't approve your application
without the consent of a law enforcement official.
You guys want to sell drugs? I'm gonna want my cut.
You will lie back and show there is a baby
that is both male and mine.
You remember Sucio? He will watch you now.
- Where is Sucio? - There was blood.
Get yourself to a safe place. Wait for my call.
Weeds 504 Super Lucky Happy
By the Fumistes team. lesfumistes@gmail.com
What are we doing here, Nance?
Big Buffalo Blast.
- That's said right on the thing. - No, here. Family Fun Bowl-O-Rama.
I'm out of tokens.
I bowled seven full games, I'm being recruited for leagues, so...
I want to go home.
You shot a bunny.
I don't think you're supposed to blast the bunny.
Or the owl.
When Esteban calls, we can all go home.
Then you'll be free
to sit your sister-fucking ass down on the couch,
get high,
schedule your post-sister-fucking jerk session
wherein you'll relive the many pleasures of fucking my sister.
I see what's going on here.
- Don't. Just don't. - What?
Fine.
You're jealous. You're pissed about Jill.
You don't need to wait for Esteban to call, ergo...
- Ergo... - Ergo...?
- It's not about him, it's about me. - Really?
- That night in the car? - That was for the cops.
- The passion! - I was trying not to pee in my pants.
- Enough! - You tried to hide your feelings.
- Bullshit. - Bullshit?
So kiss me.
Go away.
You like me.
You like me like me and that's why you don't want to.
Baby, Andy.
Baby, baby, baby.
Another man's baby.
Another bunny.
I hope that she falls down a flight of stairs.
This thing is happening whether we like it or not.
Shit.
- You don't want a pink bear anyway. - Fuck the bear, I want to win.
Time to go, Esteban's meeting us.
So we do get to meet baby daddy.
Be nice or say nothing.
I've brought you this.
Those are awesome shirts, I wish you brought three.
So you're the mayor of Mexico or something?
Or something, yes.
And you stuck your penis inside my mother. At least once.
Okay, then. Good night, Shane. Go upstairs.
You sure it's safe up there?
What happened to the smelly guard dog?
Cesar believes he mixed up his medications and wandered off.
I mixed Benadryl
and Tegretol one time,
spent three days guessing weight at the Iowa state fair,
got crabs and a tattoo... of a crab.
So he just wandered off naked and bleeding?
I am told that's happened before, yes.
In that case, thank you for giving him a gun and the keys to our house.
How about moving into my house?
- Did you just ask me to live with you? - In Tijuana?
Even the donkeys are scared and that's a fun place to be a donkey.
I own a house here,
in Santa Playa.
There's plenty of room. Room for the boys and...
even room for him.
I'm good actually here.
Me too.
I think it would be best...
Yeah, well, you're not the mayor of us. And these shirts are lame.
Go to bed, now.
Come on, tough guy.
Nice to meet you.
- You didn't answer my question. - This is our home.
And where's our home?
Where is this coming from?
I received the test results.
It is indeed a boy.
My boy.
I see. Your boy.
God, look at the time.
We should go to bed, let this poor guy leave.
Ignacio!
Another guard dog.
- Ignacio will watch over you for now. - You know what?
I can do the watching, I'm an excellent watcher.
Right, you and your crabs.
This is for you, Nancy.
"Now and Zen,
"Baby Cradle and Swing?"
It's a little early, don't you think? I'm not even showing.
I can feel him.
Look at this guy. He's a gorilla.
He's a thug.
I mean, take away the...
the muscles, the fiery eyes and the cold heart of a killer,
what does he have that I don't have?
I call him Mr. Zappy.
Great, now he's wet himself.
That happens. I'll get him a towel.
You're gonna love this swing.
Only the best for our boy.
Our boy.
"Nothing is exactly as it seems."
"Nor is it otherwise."
What?
It says so right on the box.
Smoking in the eco-garden. Way to raise the bar.
I need to top off my feed bag. How much jolly green can you get me?
- How much can you spend? - Four grand.
You have four extra grand?
Unions really are ruining this country.
I got "Choosing Chastity" in the science room till 5:00,
so I'll meet you after.
That abstinence only bullshit? Blow it off.
Can't, if I split before the movie ends, the hamsters get raped with Sharpies.
Fuck, fuck.
The nesting phase.
Am I race-biased
- or is this a new Mexican bodyguard? - Brand new.
The cat is Milo.
The dog is Otis.
The cat is crazy and the little dog just follows.
Right.
So, I'm gonna go now.
Good luck.
Have you seen Andy?
He's in the garage, working out.
Jump, little dog, jump!
Just in time to support me.
Is this 'cause you pissed yourself last night?
No... Yes. Anyway, he cheated.
I could use your help with my zen baby erector kit.
Big showdown coming, Nance.
High noon.
I can feel it in my bones.
Where did you get the box o' pain?
What? This is my stuff.
It's my athlete stuff.
It's Judah's.
He was good at sports, I was good at fleeing.
I have a bodyguard.
I don't need you to crush my foes in your armpit.
What do you need from me?
The doorbell is barking.
You look like...
Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect.
You do, kind of.
Good, just so you know,
that's what I was going for.
What a wonderful surprise.
- Really? - No.
Not wonderful, not a surprise.
- Do you want to come in? - Thank you.
It's you.
You, you, you.
It's complicated.
Is that a suitcase?
Yes, it is.
- Listen, I've been thinking... - You can't stay here.
You don't even know what I'm gonna say.
I was kidnapped.
Yes, thank you so much for the ransom.
They were gonna sell my gall bladder to the Japanese.
Fortunately, my body is a toxic pit.
And I escaped.
Heroically.
And now, I am homeless.
I'm pregnant.
- With a baby? - Yes, with a baby.
Which means
I need quiet.
And calm and... Thank you.
And happy thoughts around me as much as possible.
And you, Celia, are not quiet. Not calm.
You are so terribly, miserably, thorougly unhappy
that if I pricked your finger, you'd bleed a fucking rain cloud.
Is it Andy's?
Come on.
Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This place,
perfect for any business.
There's plenty of room.
Location's great.
Not so eager.
- You gotta Jew these slopes down. - Please don't do that.
You want the fish?
Buy the fish.
Don't squeeze the fish.
I'm not squeezing the fish, I'm sniffing it.
I've every right to sniff the fish if I'm gonna buy it.
- Or rent it. - We'll take it.
What kind of business you got anyway?
It's a compassionate care club.
That gym for fat ladies?
Medical marijuana, actually.
You sell pot in here, Feds take away my building.
Yeah, well... you eat dogs.
Get the fuck out, ass-whore.
Push the seat-back tube down until it snaps into place.
Snap, snap, snap!
Plastic demon from hell!
Mommy needs to get drunk.
He looked little.
But he's heavier than a sea turtle.
What was he doing out there?
Looking the window.
Maybe waiting to come to the house for you.
- What was he gonna arrest me for? - No arrest.
That's very unsanitary.
No badge.
Today, he's no cop.
Today, he's Rambo.
Wake up.
Remember me?
Angry little princesa?
Help me get him into the bathroom.
- What are you gonna do? - Put him in the tub.
'Cause he peed his pants, right?
I'm going to burn his clothes,
drain his blood, and melt his bones with acid.
All right.
Help me.
Not in my tub.
What's that thing supposed to be?
Domestic bliss.
Looks like someone shit out a Tilt-a-Whirl.
You're the moral center of this family, let me ask you something.
Is it okay to impersonate your dead brother
and pseudo steal some money
if you're gonna use the cash for the family's greater good?
His passport is upstairs in my sock drawer.
If I were you, I'd wear a hat or something.
Resemblance is sort of thin.
And that would be a thumbs up!
Good stuff.
What you doing with all the smokable product, there?
Selling it to my English teacher.
For the family's greater good, of course?
The family that tried to ship my ass to Oakland?
Sure, think that.
Despite the enormous hypocritical elephant in the room,
I feel compelled to express alarm,
and potentially dismay,
and fear that Silas will kill you.
And regret...
that your true North
moral compass is...
gone on the fritz.
What can I say?
I'm a Botwin.
We're not responsible for anything we do.
I order you to release me.
I am a Federal Agent
and this man is wanted by the U.S. government.
You untie him, he'll kill me.
You have no badge, Roy. You're out here all on your own.
I'm under cover.
- What did you do to Sucio? - Who?
The dirty Mexican.
- Sorry. - It's true. He stinks like pig shit.
He killed my partner.
Were you gonna hurt me too?
He's going to kill you, and me. He's a killer.
Not me, I'm nice.
Untie me, I kill him, we go watch Milo and Otis.
No one is killing anyone.
Stop kicking each other. I'm gonna make you pee your pants.
- Whose side are you on? - She's on my side!
She making baby with the boss.
What's it like, fucking a monster?
Don't make fun of my child!
You can't keep us here, like this, for long.
Who's it gonna be?
Hello, Nancy?
Make a sound, I kill you both.
You got a boner!
It's a perfectly normal reaction to the adrenaline of combat.
No, no, no. That's not cool, man.
I don't wanna fight no more with you.
Okay, well, the door was open so I just...
Not exactly open, but ajar.
Mostly, it was unlocked.
I've been thinking, I know you said I couldn't live here,
per se, in house proper,
but it is Southern California,
and you do have that nice screen porch, out there.
With a couch.
So...
That's fire.
Okay, you know, take it easy.
Nancy, God!
Hang on a minute. Okay, Final Net Extra Hold.
This is cotton, I'm highly flammable, right now.
You know what, you're crazy.
You are fucking crazy and I hate you!
We'll just talk later.
186,437.96?
That's right, Mr. Botwin.
Judah, call me Judah.
Well, Judah. I haven't seen one of these in a long time.
That little collector's item there
was given to my brother and me,
we both got one, this one is mine obviously,
when my great-uncle Yetzok
tripped and accidentally locked himself in a freezer chest.
Interesting side note,
it's still the only case of hypothermia in Woodland Hills.
Anyway,
it was a lot of money for a youg boy,
but I was smart enough to put it aside for a rainy day.
Unlike my stupid brother
who blew his on a 72 Ford Econoline
when he needed a place to live one summer.
God, I bet he wishes he didn't do that!
Especially with the amazing growth on that account.
What an asshole.
Actually, the growth has been average.
Your grand-mother has been adding to it for almost thirty years.
That bitch!
I mean, it saddens me
that she would so blatantly favor one grand-son over another.
Now,
about the hold that you put on this account?
Listen,
I don't know what sort of bullshit he's trying to pull,
but you tell Judah he's gonna have to come in here and talk to me
before he's gonna see dime one of this.
I have been waiting a very very long time
to say my peace to Judah Botwin and, by God, I'm gonna say it.
Now, get him in here.
Judah died.
He's dead.
Fast cars,
roden rapes, summers off.
To be you...
You think life is your own private little joke, don't you, Botwin?
You know who else used to think that? Your parents.
Before you showed up and shit all over their dreams.
No, nothing shits on my mom's dreams.
Least of all me. And my dad's dead, but nice try.
Get in, we'll settle up and I'll give you a ride home.
To be you!
Why can't you just walk away?
Why can't you go home? Forget about all this.
Nothing to go home to.
Nothing
and no one.
Not anymore.
I know it's soon, but have you thought about dating?
He wouldn't be who you had, but
there's someone else out there for you.
My ugly cousin Paulo.
He made himself a fuck doll from a tyre.
- Someone or something. - You have to choose, Nancy.
Who is it gonna be?
I let him go, he kills you. I let you go, you kill him.
- I can't have that. - Come on, mummy. Pick your favorite.
Cause you're right, I'll kill him. That's what I'm living for.
See? I tell you.
Or he'll kill me without blinking an eye.
And then stuff his face and watch movies like nothing happened.
- That's true too. - Choose.
I can't. I'm bringing a child into the world.
I'm not ready to sit here and...
play Buddha and be fucking zen about who lives or dies.
So we'll ask the magic ball.
Tell me, magic ball.
Can these two men part in peace and live to kill another day?
Go on and shake your magic ball.
Tell yourself you're so noble, because we're both still breathing.
You've got blood on your hands.
Just sign here and here.
Month to month, three months down.
Well no, I was thinking twelve-month lease with two months down.
- Fine. - I'm really glad you changed your mind.
He beat up my cat.
I like your style.
Just sign the fucking paper already.
We're in business.
- Partner. - Partner.
Partners.
Faggots.
He was my first.
My first boyfriend, my first love
and my first... you know.
Then he went away and my life became a bucket of shit.
Well, I feel your bucket.
I thought that was pretty smart pretending to be Judah.
State taxes probate, drain the whole account.
Well,
maybe you can help me out.
I don't know. I could get fired.
Of course the bank is closing anyway.
Downsizing, recession.
You sort of look like him.
You have the same kind eyes.
Tell me more about my eyes.
All right, here is the deal.
You go out with me, and I'll get you into that account.
I was gonna ask you out anyway.
Only has to be as Judah. You're Judah and I'm me.
You have to love me and treat me nice.
Well, there's nothing weird about that.
Yeah, sure, Margaret.
Whatever you say.
Max. Judah calls me Max.
Are you all right?
As I see it, yes.
It is certain,
it is decidedly so,
most likely, outlook good,
signs point to yes, without a doubt,
reply hazy, try again,
ask again later, better not tell you now,
cannot predict now, don't count on it,
my reply is no,
my sources say no, outlook not so good,
very doubtful.
So, no.
Not all right.
What's gonna happen in there
is not right or wrong.
It's not good or bad.
It is.
It's what happens next.
We chose,
you and I.
When we came together, we chose.
A life.
This life.
For you, for me, for our son.
There is nothing
I would not do to protect that life.
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