Previously on Weeds...
- "Whore"? - Fucking pregnant again.
Some Indian kid I mercy fucked for U-Turn.
Ain't nothing to say, faggot, except "send money."
- I thought you were dating me. - I am.
I'm just something for you to rub up against.
Don't do this.
"Thug" means never having to say you're sorry.
Kids need to know if there's danger.
- What kind of danger? - Big, scary men with guns.
I've been doing some research on the internet,
and I really think Pittsburgh is the place for us.
That thing's a camera?
I can broadcast the image to any computer in the house.
Dumb name will know my wrath... The wrath of Doug.
- It's comin'. - Andy, meet Chess.
You want to buy from me?
Why don't you let Mrs. Botwin know
it's available if she's interested?
Yeah, I'm bad. Punish me.
You will start paying for the many sins against me.
I need to rent your empty house.
We need a grow house. Can you deal with that?
Slut.
Weeds - Season 3 Episode 13 Risk
Transcript : testexam
Synchro : [dx] / Macanto / Michvanilly / San-A
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And where were you last night, young lady?
Sinner.
Why is this cross in my house?
Andy said I could put it here.
- Andy? - Let me ask you something.
You think our customers might be interested
in some lovely outdoor-grown biker bammy?
How did it get in here?
Oh, it wasn't easy. Let me say that right now.
And getting it out of here?
I'm gonna say near-impossible on that one.
Make the impossible possible, Doug.
Why don't I come back later, after you've had your coffee?
- Why don't you do that? - I think it wouldn't be a terrible idea
if we had an alternative source for weed.
- Bikers? - Motorcycle club.
They're great. It's a family business, brother and sister.
- You met a biker girl? - No.
- No, she's not a girl. She's a woman. - Of course she is.
Discussion over.
This has nothing to do with her.
- It's an opportunity. - Where were you all night?
I was working.
You have a working mother, Shane.
Them's the breaks.
What's wrong with offering another choice to our clients?
They aren't looking for more choices. People are too overwhelmed by choice.
- They seek simplicity. - I'm not buying it.
This is a culture where you can order coffee 80 million ways,
and people love it.
Chess just wants you to think about it.
Chess... wants me to think about it?
How does... how does Chess know what I do?
That was kind of creepy.
He seemed to know a lot about you.
That's not good.
Right, Shane. Very observant.
That's not good.
Don't cock-block me on this, Nance. She's really hot.
See how many bricks he'll trade me for a giant cross.
How the hell did he get it in here?
I believe it's a miracle.
I don't believe in miracles.
I believe in Pittsburgh.
I swear I think the sky is bluer over here.
No graffiti, no drunks and junkies... shoot.
I'll take it.
- How long we staying? - This is temporary, little girl.
And don't kid yourself. There's plenty of drunks and junkies out here.
They just ain't on the corner 'cause they got air-conditioning.
- Morning. - Morning.
- Did you hear how high her voice got? - She think we gonna jump her.
- That's why we gonna be just fine. - How you figure?
There's only one thing more powerful than white fear,
and that's white guilt. Now, they say, "good morning,"
but what they're really saying is, "I'm not racist."
Look at this one.
Hello there. How are you?
Good morning to you.
They gonna treat us like Maya Angelou and Condoleezza Rice.
So...
How we doing here?
Well, a lot of the plants that were ready for harvest
didn't make it,
and we're dealing with a lot less space here.
You are asking about the crop, right?
Yes. I'm asking about the crop.
I'm running low.
I can't fill you back up right now.
I'm thinking of opening up another supply line.
With who?
There's this biker chick that Andy wants to fuck and
a guy named Chess.
18-foot cross in my house. I don't know.
Well, it's gonna be a little dry around here for a while.
Then I'll do it.
Lord!
I can smell this house from two fuckin' blocks away.
Smells like a skunk massacre happening up in here.
- What you gonna do? - Well, how about this for a game plan?
I grow inside, you and Vaneeta grow outside
Rosemary, Lavender.
Fine. As soon as I make a little something to eat,
I'll get to it.
You need a shower.
- What, you don't want to stay and help? - I haven't got the green thumb.
She just got the white attitude.
That's all I'm saying, Bill.
We substitute the cheap drywall from China,
it'll save us a ton.
Hey, there. How you doing?
I'm gonna have to call you back.
You know, I hope for Nancy's sake
that you used a condom.
God forbid you should replicate.
God bless y'all.
My decorator.
We're doing a little remodeling.
I want to be part of the team... One of the cool kids.
What can I do?
Ain't nothing for you to do but collect your rent every month.
Oh, sure. Everyone gets to have fun except me.
Well, fuck that shit. I am here to kick ass!
- Whose ass? - Whoever gets in my way.
Come on. Let me do something fun. Come on. Please.
I am on a real high here. Do not bring me down.
Okay, gangsta barbie, I will figure something out.
You'll see. I'm good, and I'm ready.
I will not disappoint you. I'll be a great soldier.
I'm sure you will. Hold this.
I'm helping daddy, aren't I?
What took you so long? I texted you over two hours ago.
You're not my only customer, Sully.
- I really need to smoke out. - Oh, I'll bet.
What happened?
It's just a signal that it's time for me to move on.
Forward to my next,
shitty, prefab Jesus town.
Hey. You know I take this Jesus stuff seriously.
- Sorry. - Shame you have to go.
You're one of my best customers.
You could go with me.
No, thanks.
I'm happy here in my shitty, prefab Jesus town.
Shame.
What can I do for you, pot mommy?
My horny lieutenant tells me
you may have some product for me.
Low on the MILF, huh?
You seem to know so much about me.
I know nothing about you.
Doesn't seem fair.
You should have checked out my facebook page.
Hey. Want to play some "Risk"?
I'm in. What?
Mommy's all business I see.
Let me show you what I got for you.
"Risk" is all about Kamchatka.
It's your gateway to the west.
Think you're telling me something I don't know?
Your housewives will love it --
Make them forget that their husbands won't fuck 'em.
- How much? - Five for a pound.
That's a fair price.
Yeah...
For a full pound.
It might be a little short. You're good.
I tell you what -- 10% discount.
Take the first one on consignment.
Why would you go and do something like that?
I can tell you're gonna be a loyal customer.
I'm all about loyal customers.
But, hey, you bring me back that five grand real soon.
Um, 10% off is, um,
$4,500, right?
- Yeah. - Chess, is it?
- Yeah. - Is that short for Chester?
- No. - It is.
He hates it.
See you soon, pot mommy.
See you soon, Chester.
Hey, I challenge you to a game, one-on-one.
Winner takes all.
All of what?
Winner takes all, Nance.
Uncle Andy?!
Silas?
Mom?
Mom?!
Back door...
Side...
Hey.
Yeah, it's just a bug in the system.
This is so not what I had in mind.
Conrad said you wanted to get dirty.
Now you're dirty.
Hand me some more of that sage, princess.
Make it smell Italian out here instead of Jamaican.
These hands went to college.
Majored in english lit.
These are not farm hands.
What? I'm part viking.
I miss my ice floe.
Look to me like hot flashes.
- You taking estrogen? - Can't.
Cancer.
You?
Shit. I tried HRT, ERT, and herbs.
Vodka and cigarettes -- Only thing that works for me.
Fuck this. Let's light up.
Here you go.
Conrad expects us to finish this planting today.
Fuck Conrad. He in the shade.
Yeah, but --
You got a boyfriend, Heylia? Husband, lover?
Is he a piece-of-shit lying asshole?
I had my share of them, but I'm taking a break --
Maybe a lifetime break.
I think I'm doomed to be alone.
Ain't no shame in it.
But I get lonely.
Buy yourself a dog.
I'm not good with animals.
Men and animals.
Men are animals.
Listen to both of you.
Two of the scariest bitches on the planet.
No wonder nothing with a dick wants to come within 100 yards of either of you.
I don't see nothing that has to stand up to pee
in your life, neither,
So shut the fuck up, Vaneeta.
Yeah, shut the fuck up... Vaneeta.
"And Herod with his soldiers treated him with contempt and mocked him.
"Then, arraying him in gorgeous apparel, he sent him back to Pilate."
Oh, for god's sake,
get to the punch line already before I die.
It's no joke, Mr. Mertes,
it's the crucifixion story.
Luke: chapter 23.
You remember where we left off last week?
You read the bible to me last week?
Yes. I read it to you every week.
Okay. This weed sucks.
We were low on MILF, so we had to go to a new grower.
Well, it's ditchweed dreck.
Don't let it happen again.
I'm on borrowed time.
This is not quality.
I am so sorry, Mr. Mertes.
Silas, make her give me my money back.
This new weed sucks.
I know. Nobody wants it. I told mom.
We'll refund you, Mr. Mertes.
Good.
Now I got to take a whiz.
If I'm not out in 10,
do not resuscitate.
So you're talking to me?
You missed me.
You pissed me off.
'cause you like me.
- Because I like you. - I like you, too.
I'm not good at sharing.
Well, this you don't have to share with anyone.
It's only for you.
A little help here!
You should go help him.
In a minute.
Bad boy.
- You love it. - I do.
Wait, hang on.
There's more.
This is inferior product.
Planning a big night on the town, are we?
Not with this shit I'm not.
You got to hook me up with some better weed.
They wouldn't even buy this at the manhole,
and they smoke everything.
I'm sure they do.
I've got unsatisfied customers.
My reputation is suspect.
That outfit is suspect.
Don't try to change the subject.
We're out of MILF.
Gonna be at least a week before we have more.
Well, hurry up, okay?
Clinique is putting the screws to me.
We're having a sonogram tomorrow,
and those things aren't cheap.
You think you're ready to be a father?
Do I look like I am ready to be a father?
Terrific.
I'm always curious about my customer's choices.
Yeah. I think this one chose me.
- Care to elaborate. - It just reminds me
that "thug" means never having to say you're sorry.
- Don't you mean "love"? - Absolutely not.
"love" means you're constantly apologizing.
Tell me about it.
I should get "I'm sorry, baby" tattooed on my ass.
Why don't you?
I already got a giant eagle chained to a rock there.
Looking good.
- Want to take a look? - Yeah.
- Came out nice. - Yeah.
You have something for me?
Thank you, pot mommy.
And here you go.
I don't think our business arrangement's gonna work out.
And why's that?
My customers don't seem to like your product.
- Wait. My shit is good. - Oh, no. Don't take it personally.
You grow merlot, they prefer cabernet.
Your customers sound gay.
Some of them are.
Most of them just don't like your weed.
Here's for the pound you loaned me on consignment.
Good faith.
I wish you luck in all future endeavors.
So, see you around.
Wear a helmet.
Follow safety laws.
Wait, wait.
I'm disappointed.
Are you absolutely sure that we can't do business.
I am.
That's a shame.
But just to show you that there's no hard feelings,
I'd like to take you to dinner, give you a chance to get to know me.
I don't mix the business with the personal.
According to you, we're not doing the business anymore.
We're not doing the personal, either.
Tell you what -- You think about it,
you weight the pros and the cons, and I'll be in touch.
Touch yourself, Chester.
I got to go.
Bye.
Girls got balls.
Yes, she does.
But who wants a chick with fuckin' balls?
Jesus, Doug.
Whore.
Hello to you, too.
I've been doing a little light reading.
How the hell did that cross get in there?
Don't know how the fuck.
Doug snuck it in on sanjay's shift,
wired it, the whole thing.
Mangoes, apricots --
Nice supermarkets y'all got.
Yes. We blow a loud horn of plenty out here.
- That kind of day? - Only kind I know.
What the fuck...
Oh, yeah.
Please tell me you have a thing for traffic signs.
I got a thing for these figs.
- They're delicious. - You fucked him?
That's none of your business.
Okay. Get the fuck out of here.
You think you're the first black man I've been with?
I'm not?
- You know why they called him U-turn. - You're just obscene.
Come on. I never slept with U-turn.
I just gave him a hand job.
So now you're fucking with me.
- You think? - Do I believe you?
You'd better if you want to get lucky tonight.
Why would you do that?
- What, mess with you or get the tattoo? - The fucking tattoo.
I thought it would make me stronger.
Question is...
You got a thing for women who got a thing for traffic signs?
Motherfucker caused us nothing but pain.
Motherfucker's dead. We're alive.
- That's true. - Now shut up and taste this.
What city has 720 bridges and 15 in its downtown alone?
- I'm gonna guess... Pittsburgh. - Correct.
What city had the first robotics institute?
Nance?
Pittsburgh.
Carnegie Mellon University. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Correct.
- The first big mac sold? - Pittsburgh.
The first world series?
The first aluminum building?
Silas?
Wrong. Pittsburgh.
My God, what happened to you?!
I was driving home. Stopped at a light.
- I stopped at a light. - I heard. And what happened?
Oh, look at you.
Three guys on motorcycles pulled me out of the car.
How many motorcycles in Pittsburgh?
They're coming after you. They said they're coming after all of us.
I don't know. I need to look it up.
You need a doctor. We're going to a doctor.
Jesus christ, Shane!
There are many safe and ethnically diverse neighborhoods
in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
I'm glad you asked.
There's Allentown, Arlington, Arlington Heights,
- Banksville, Beechview, Bloomfield... - Shane, how do you turn the alarm off?
- ... Greenfield, Hays, Hazelwood... - Shane!
Lawrenceville, Mount Washington...
Hey, buddy!
... North Shore, Oakwood, Ridgemont, South Shore,
Spring Hill, Squirrel Hill, St. Clair, Summer Hill, Windgap.
I can also do them backwards.
- Shane, who are you talking to? - Dad.
Can too!
Windgap, Summer Hill, St. Clair, Squirrel Hill, Spring Hill,
South Shore, Ridgemont, Oakwood, North Shore, Mount Washington,
Lawrenceville, Knoxville,
Highland Park, Hazelwood, Hays,
Greenfield, Brookline, Bluff, Bloomfield, Beechview,
Banksville, Arlington Heights, Arlington, Allentown.
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