This is the magic potion, boys and girl.
Advanced nutrients.
More bud, less stem.
And away we grow.
- What's up, man? - I'm good, man.
Hey, man. You bring me the tall creamy present?
Dude, the cream pot got 2 kids and a new husband.
I brought you something better, check this out.
Excuse me. My name is Vernan and I'm a scorpio.
Lacey, me too.
I'd like to get you high.
All right.
Because Conrad and I have come up with a new strain.
We're really proud of it.
Actually I'd like a snack of that *** if you don't mind.
See, it's not that I don't trust you,
it's just that I don't trust Conrad.
Now you're trying to hurt my feelings, Vernan.
Only she can call me Vernan, you call me sir.
You got a bong up in here, man?
Load it up! Load it up!
That's you. You lit.
All right, let's see what you got.
What do you think, Vernan?
Are you responsible for this?
Yeah. Us. Conrad mostly.
- It's good, isn't it? - It's smokalicious.
What up, my nig'? What you do, nephew?
Hey man, check this out.
My man Conrad pimped us some new product.
Fantizzletastic!
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, look here.
I wanna introduce you to the lovely Lacey.
His partner in crime and a very married MILF and
that's just breaking my heart.
Is that right?
- I'd definitely do you. - Gee, thanks.
My name is Snoop Dogg by the way.
Lacey, hi.
That's the motherfucking MILF weed.
You know what the MILF weed is, right my nigga?
Mother I'd Love To Fuck.
That's MILF weed.
Make a nigga take a toke, it's the MILF weed.
Make a nigga have a smoke, it's the MILF weed.
Let's take that in some hoop and put it down, you know what I'm saying?
Let's go do it.
I want you to pump the music up while I talk about this good weed I just bought.
It's called the MILF weed.
It's the good mommy smoking, it's the MILF weed.
Take a toke 'til you're broke, it's the MILF weed.
Nigga just can't quit, it's the MILF weed.
Nigga, can I get another hit?
It's grown and it's green like the Hulk when he angry.
Break it up, break it up, smoke it up, tangy,
tasty, the way you feel, the way that it smells.
The way it make a nigga feel oh so well.
I'ma tell it to you so you need to know.
We're smoking MILF weed everyday on the roll.
We get it crack-a-lackin' everytime you see me, doh.
It's Snoop D O double G, blaze the endo.
We got the MILF 'cause the MILF got it all the time.
Got weed that keep making nigga blow his mind.
It's the weed that feel good, smell good.
It's the weed that you can't get in the hood.
You gotta have the connect on the set.
Let me get some of that shit, make it fast, jet.
Give it to me quick, give it to me fast.
I wanna tap you on your white ass.
'Cause you the Mother That I'd Love to Fuck.
Doing good, kids.
Maybe you come by tomorrow,
bring us some little more love, say uh...
2 or 3 of those happy packs.
Absolutely...
Vern'.
Get the hell out of here, man.
It's a place of business and I got work to do.
You're a bad influence.
Oh, oh, oh.
It was nice meeting you, Lacey.
Pleasure, Vernan.
MILF weed? MILF weed!
This shit is about to get wild!
Fantastic!
Really? Let's go make some money!
You got any wig?
Nope, it's mine.
Sort of.
I'm wearing 500 bucks worth of human hair extensions from India.
Take a sniff.
There's a faint curry smell to it.
I'm giving and anti-drug speech at the Grammar school.
And I need you
to be Sober.
What?
Sober, the sasquatch.
He tells kids to stay off the drugs.
And you think kids are gonna listen because some idiot's
dressed in a gorilla suit?
No, it's sasquatch.
Children love and fear him.
That's ***
Come on, Dean, you're perfect for it.
And if I stop shaving your back,
you won't even have to wear the suit.
And now I walk away.
Hey, but good luck with that speech
because kids just love being patronized and lectured.
I hear you wanna close the park!
Where am I supposed to take my babies?
What?
Where are my babies supposed to play?
- Oh, you mean your dogs. - They're my children.
They need their park.
No, real children need their park.
Dogs need to take a walk, do their business and then go home.
But the dog park is gated off. The dogs don't bother anyone.
That whole place stinks to high heaven.
It's an eyesore from all the grass that's been dug up.
There's barking and snarling going on all day long.
And at night when the dogs finally leave,
it's filled with teenagers
doing drugs.
It is a blight on this community.
And it's going.
Do you know what you are?
You are a hater.
You're filled with hate.
And you spread it around
- at dogs, at teenagers... - And you.
Because you call your pets children, so goodbye.
- Hey there! - Hey!
I'm here. I'm right here.
Sanjay...
Wow!
We doing a little bonus.
For the arson. Not to be taken as encouragement.
- Fine. - Never again. Okay?
Okay.
- Dean. - Nice.
No IRS and no Celia.
People seem to like what we're selling.
- Doug. - Sweet.
First time somebody's paid me for weed.
Buy a motorcycle, we could ride together.
You're dead to me.
- I'm out of here. Make sure the... - Excuse me!
What?
- You forgot something. - No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. My enveloppe.
You don't get one.
I don't...
Wait a second, I don't get paid.
Once you reemburce me for room and board
and for a non-refundable year of rabbinical school
and for the time I bailed you out when you got busted,
not to mention lawyers fees,
then you'll be compensated, yeah.
Are you joking? I lost toes...
for you.
I was in a raid.
I sat in my own pee to save the mother.
Back me up here, guys!
I'm a contributing member of this team.
I cook!
Is that how it is?
All right, that's fine.
Well, I quit.
Cook like a fucking crackhead.
Settle, boys and girls, let's all
put on our listening ears and settle down.
That's better.
Now, I'd like to welcome today special guest speaker,
councilwoman Hodes.
Well, hello, junior citizens of Agrestic.
I am councilwoman Hodes.
And I am here today at our top ranked Grammar school...
to make a very special announcement.
Beginning next week,
all of Agrestic
will become a drug free zone.
Okay...
You know how penguins
march 70 miles to get where they're going.
Well, drugs are like penguins.
They march from the ghetto
to the suburbs.
Now to end this migration,
I will be installing surveillance cameras
and drug free zone signs
throughout Agrestic.
I invite you to bring your parents to the
unveiling of our 1st surveillance camera
tomorrow at the corner of Hillside and Harper Drives,
right accross from what will soon no longer be the dog park.
4 pm.
And now
I would like to introduce a very special guest
who has an important message for you all.
Sober the sasquatch.
Drugs are wrong!
I'm putting my big foot down on drugs!
My big foot!
This is not a game, people.
Yes, Shane.
Point of order: why cameras?
Good question. Because
people behave better when they know they're being watched.
What about our rights to privacy ?
There are more important things than rights to privacy.
I think you're turning Agrestic into a policed state!
Yeah!
Drugs are wrong!
I've seen you drunk at my house.
I beg your pardon.
Not like the drunken homeless penguins in the ghetto
but I've definitely seen you drunk.
Well, that's quite enough, Shane, you can sit down.
Isn't being drunk just like being on drugs?
Isn't alcohol a drug?
You do drugs.
You do.
You do drugs.
Drugs are wrong!
You do drugs! You do drugs!
The councilwoman also likes her speed and Ambien.
Christ! Let's go!
My sweat smells like peanuts!
You kicked ass!
You took Hodes out.
Props to you, yo!
That... was awesome, Shane!
Are you guys...
Shut up!
No way!
Can I see that one, please?
Yeah, that's the Diamond Blossom.
Yeah, the right hand diamond is very popular these days.
All the stars are wearing it.
It's a symbol of independence and personal reward.
Well, I deserve a reward.
I've done very well lately.
How well?
Okay, take off that piece of shit, I've got jewelry to show you.
- Shane, what's wrong? - You totalled my car.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I didn't see it.
I'm not used to driving this low to the ground.
Did tou total your car too?
What?
No. The lease was up. I just bought this. Isn't it cute?
No, it's crappy and small.
It's environmentally responsible.
I liked the Range Rover.
The Range Rover was obnoxious.
There's global warming unless you want the planet to disolve
to one big ocean.
Global warming is just God's will.
I liked the Range Rover, this car is gay.
Don't be ignorant just because it's in right now.
Figure out the planet for a change.
What is all this stuff?
Mommy decided to buy herself a few things.
A lot of things.
Yes, a lot of things, I worked hard, I deserve them.
What work?
I run a family.
- You buy me anything? - No.
Do you really think you deserve anything after what you did today?
- What did I do? - You called Celia Hodes a drunk.
Another call from my dear old friend, principal Dodge.
I think I'm on his speed dial.
I was making a point.
She's trying to make Agrestic a drug free zone
but I think drugs should be legal.
Why?
Because...
so...
no one gets in trouble.
Nobody is gonna get in trouble. Okay?
Go buy yourself a new car.
Awesome.
Help me get these bags in the house and then we can go to the movies.
Really? What movie?
How about the Al Gore one about the total destruction of the planet
and the coming environmental apocalypse?
Cool.
Where is my microwave popcorn?
Now I know I had one left in here.
Heylia, where are our customers?
Vernan, Kiki, Nancy,
that guy with the hair lip.
We ain't been moving shit.
And I hear there's a new strain out there
that everybody wants and we ain't got.
Girl, it's the economy.
And the medical marijuana clubs.
You know I heard they opened up
one of them drivethroughs in the Valley.
No, Heylia.
Look around.
What's missing here?
Yo, make sure you get all that ash off my heel too now.
Yo, this is here is Tanya.
Hi.
She's studying that cosmonology.
It's cosmetology.
Girl, I'll throw this beer on you if you say something else.
So Louis, tell me about that new strain
everybody's been talking about.
I ain't Louis no more.
And I ain't telling you shit unless you call me U-Turn.
Now Louis is a perfectly good name.
But if you wanna be some traffic violation, fine by me.
U-Turn, why the fuck ain't I got this new weed?
Now how is it that Mrs. Heylia James don't know?
Look at you.
Getting soft in your old age or something?
You better mind yourself, Mr. U-Turn.
I've seen your gangsta ass
playing violin in your grandmama's house
with a powder-blue blue suit and wide ass lapels.
So stop crying.
Heylia, I don't forget where I come from
but some people do.
Go on.
This strain is called MILF. MILF weed.
It's the brand of the day.
And everybody love that shit too.
And it's coming from?
Come on, man,
why do I gotta be the one to tell you the way it is?
'Cause I started you
and I'll finish you.
And I need to hear it.
So speak the the fuck up.
Fine.
It's your boy Conrad.
Him and the white bitch.
They got themselves a real gang.
They're farmers now.
I gotta say, they're fucking great at it.
Just put your hands out, send love vibrations to the plant.
That way the person that smokes it will feel love too.
I think the person that grew my last pot sent
"eat many donuts while playing with your balls"
vibrations to the plant.
You ain't taking me serious.
Why give it away?
That's Sanjay?
I think it's a Jehovah's witness.
We're Shinto.
Excuse me. Hello? Hey! Hey! Hey!
It's cool. It's cool.
Heylia...
I came to you first,
you shut me down.
There ain't no excuses for what you've done here.
I laid out my plans, you laughed at me.
We don't grow.
We deal.
That's what we do.
That's what you do.
I'm a grown man Heylia and you got to see me like that.
All I see
is what you went off with one of my customers
and created a new game behind my back.
You lied to me.
You took business from me.
That ain't how a grown man acts.
Heylia, I can help you now.
You could retire early.
We could put money aside for Levan's education.
No, no, no.
You a little piggy.
And what you built here,
it ain't right.
And some day, the big bad wolf is gonna huff and puff
and blown your house down.
And when it happens, I don't wanna be anywhere near you.
You ain't got no faith in your boy.
Didn't you just say he was a man?
See, you can't have it both ways.
You ain't welcome in my house no more.
Not you. Not Barbie.
I don't know you.
Now...
Give me 3 pounds of that fucking MILF weed.
I've got business to take care of.
Why has it got to be like this, Heylia?
You wanted to be on your own,
you're on your own.
Who's this Barbie girl?
Is she hot?
If you will notice above me,
our very first camera.
And below it, our drug free zone sign.
We're letting these pushers know
that we are keeping an eye on them.
Agrestic is now officially a drug free zone.
Douchebag!
What the fuck!
- Go home! - You hate dogs!
Crazy dog freaks!
I am protecting the humans of Agrestic.
Now our cameras will be running 24/7.
Give us back our dog park!
Well, I can see all the crazies are out today.
Is it true you have a drinking problem, councilwoman Hodes?
Nancy has no idea who I am.
Sucks to never be seen. Never appreciated.
Sucks when the pie gets eaten right in front of you.
And you helped baked that pie.
What pie?
It's a metaphorical pie.
- Am I eating the pie? - Sort of.
You're benefiting from that pie. But really...
No, no pie for you either, my young friend.
Where's our fucking pie! Life sucks.
Come on now. Life does not suck.
Unless you have no job, no girlfriend,
8 toes.
Life sucks.
Anyway, your mom knows nothing
about what it takes to be a crime lord.
I understand business. I am an entrepreneur.
I would be great at it.
I mean, I may not be some brainiac but I know weed.
It's a family business for Christ sake!
I say forget her.
We start our own business.
Except we have no money.
Yeah.
Was she impressed? Could you tell?
What did she think of the place?
She never wants to see us again, Nancy. She was stone cold.
Like acting cold because
she was secretly dazzled by how well we've done.
What? You need Heylia's approval?
- She bought 3 pounds. - Of the MILF?
You don't have to be so proud of the name, okay?
Okay.
Why did she buy from us?
So that she can sell it to others.
That's what she does for a living.
All her customers are asking for our shit.
You can't sell what you don't have.
It's kind of awesome.
- No, it ain't. - Yes, it is.
She bought our stuff
and she'll buy more 'cause it's good.
She's not gonna stay mad.
- She can't. - You do not know Heylia.
Hi, Shane.
I came to pick up your mom.
She's doing laundry with some black guy.
Would you tell her that I'm here, please?
What's Conrad doing at your house?
Not a great idea by the way.
Just some old business with Heylia he wanted to talk about.
Heylia James?
You're not gonna have to worry about her.
What?
She's being taken care of.
No.
We don't need that.
There's really no problem with Heylia.
Really.
Well, now it's guaranteed.
I thought you said you didn't care about pot.
That we were under your radar.
No, you're under my radar. And since I'm keeping you there,
I gotta show my boss some results.
What do you show him some other results?
Like a crack den or a methlab or something?
Heylia is gonna lead me to this guy named U-Turn
who's dealing a lot more than weed.
Well, why not arrest him and keep Heylia out of it?
You gotta dig the worms to catch the big fish.
Heylia's been dug up.
And I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
It's my fun time.
I'm thinking tapas. You up for it?
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