hello.
Now,I thought your peopledidn't eat cows.
I thought yours don't eatcheeseburgers.
Well,we've suffered so muchalready,
I feel it's my destinyto induce positive changein my tribe,
beginning withthe cheeseburger,progressing to extreme sportsand police work.
Hey,fellas.
Who's a good doggy? Yes,you are.
Hi,doggy. Where did you come from?
Found him on the street. Doesn't have any tags.
Just this gold necklace.
Must have belongedto the armenians.
Not hairy enough.
Get that beast the fuckout of here.
You're scaring him.
It's okay,mr. Sweaters.
Yeah,who's our toughlittle watchdog?You are.
Oh,my god! Oh,shit.Oh,my god!
Get it off me!
Back,mr. Sweaters! Off,off!
Cheeseburger,cheeseburger?
- Stick your fingerup his ass. - What?
I read it on the internet. It makes him let go.
Fuck you. Stick your own fingerup his ass.
Somebody stick their fingerup his ass!
I'll do it.
Oh,god,oh,god,oh,god,oh,god!
Wow,it works.
Somebody call 911. I've got dog-doodie hands.
No,nobody call 911.
That bitch ate my toes!
Judah.
Oh,hey.
Dad's cologne?
I found itin your bathroom. I'll put it back,I swear.
It's okay,sweetie.Just next time,you might notwant to use so much.
- What reeks in here? - Shane has a debate.
So,what,you're hopingto stink out your opponent?
We're leavingin five minutes,so go pee and get your notesand things together.
I need to talk to you.
- What now? - Your S.A.T.Scores,now.
You barely scored abovewhat you would have gottenif you'd only signedyour name.
In case you haven't noticed,I've beena little preoccupied.
You took the S.A.T.S weeks before the...thing.
- Abortion? - That.
It had nothing to dowith your lousy performance.
I've spokento mr. Weinstock.
- Who? - Your guidance counselor.
He says you can takethe test againin eight weeks.
- I am not takingthe test again. - Yes,you are.
Silas,you couldn't getinto traffic schoolwith those scores.
So?From what I've seen,you don't need a college degreeto start your own business,right,mom?
Hey,doug.
Oh,shit,what kind of accident?
Yeah,bye.
Uncle andy'sin the hospital.
- What happened? - I'm not sure.
Something with a dogor a sweater.
- Can you take shaneto his debate? - Yeah,I'll take him.
- Thank you. - But in your car.
I don't want himstinking up mine.
How is he?
He's doing bettersince he got his morphine.
- Did you find my toes? - His toes?
The dog ate two of his toesbefore sanjay stucka finger up his ass.
Why was there a dogat the house?
Hello.I'm dr. Bertner.
Nancy botwin.
- Your husband? - Brother-in-law.
Is he going to be okay?
Is he a dancer,professionalathlete,or foot model?
- None of the above. - He should leada normal life.
I wouldn't go that far.
If you'd brought inthe toes,we might have been ableto reattach them.
Must find toes.
Conrad,where are the toes?
The dog ate them.
Well,that's that.
When is he going to be ableto go home?
- Does he have insurance? - Oh,no.
He can go home now.
Hey.I didn't mean to blindside youwith peter.
I just knew that,if you met him,you'D...
have no choice...
See thathe wasn't a threat.
I got to go backto the houseand clean up somefucking toe blood.
Dr. Larson to 4 west. Dr. Larson to 4 west.
In keeping with the spiritof tomorrow's local elections,
tonight's topic will be"electoral collegevs.Popular vote."
Advocating the popular vote,master shane botwin.
My argument forthe popular vote...
george W.Bush.
But that's againstthe rules.
How am I supposed to arguewhen he invokes the nameof the worst presidentwe've ever hadand then just sits?
He didn't follow protocol.
Just go,gretchen.
This is totally unfair. I forfeit.
You suck!
- nice job. - It's a disaster.
What are youtaing about? You made her totallylose her shit.
That's a win in my boo
I made her hate meeven more.
- Oh,my god,you like that girl? - I love her.
Does she know?
I've never even spoken to her. I've only kicked her.
- Well,you know what that means? - What?
- You're gay. - Shut up.Forget it.
All right,so,you really like this girl? Here's what you do.
I've done it,dad did it,uncle andy does itall the time,and sometimesit even works.
- whAt? - Say something to her.
Fuck you.
Just do it. It's not so hard.
Easy for you to say.
Not really.
All women are evil,lying bitches,but I'm trying to bethe good big brother here,
so when she kicks the shitout of your heart,I'll buy you a beerwith my fake I.D.
That idiot is going to win.
- People like doug. - People are stupid.
- They elected youhead of the pta. - Oh,please.
I was like hitlerin munich.
Those dimwits were just itchingfor somebody to follow.
- You haven't lost yet. - Give me a clue.
I like to do itall by myself.
Want to have sex?
"A sky-high accessory,"10 letters.
"Orion's belt."
- Oh,shit,that's totally right. - Oh,whoopee for me.
thank you.
- Nancy? - Back off.
Okay,I'm sorry,and I hopethat you won't letthe little "incident"between usru our friendship.
- I have to vote. - Nancy!
My friend,my client.
Thanks for showing upfor me.
I need to reviewthe bond issues again. I'm going to come backlater.
She's going to votefor you.
I'm going to gocast my ballot.
Vote for yourself. I'd hate to see youget shut out.
Mr. Wilson!
- why are you smiling? - Oh,just wait.
Where's my name?
My name's not on the ballot!
What the fuck?!
- What did you do? - Nothing.
It's just a miracle. God loves me.
Where's my name?
Excuse me,sir,only one personallowed in the booth at a time.
My name's not on the ballot. Where's my name?
What name would that be? Doug wilsonor mr. Fukhusen?
You're responsiblefor this.
I wish that I could take creditfor this --i really do.
Doug,I'm sure there'sa reasonable explanation.
Yes,your wife'sa cheating whore.
Write me in. Doug wilson -- write me in.
Wait,are you really goingto let him do this?
Mr. Wilson,I'm sorry.
There's a law that clearlyprohibits any candidatefrom campaigning within 300 feetof a polling place.
Well,I'm not a candidatebecause my name's not onthe fucking ballot,asswipe!
I am doug wilson,everybody! Change only brings problems!
- Doug wilson! - Get out of here.
295,296,297,298,299,300.
Vote for doug wilson,the write-in candidate!
Change just brings problems! You know it's true!
Doug wilson! Who's your pal?
Don't you just hatecelia hodes?
Celia hodes has chlamydia!
- What's that? - Job applications.
- You already have a job. - Yes,I do.
Soon,you will,too.
If you don't want to goto college,work it is.
Not this again.
Starbucks,costplus,and ben & jerry'S.
Agrestic is just brimmingwith job opportunitiesfor a young manwith a high-school diploma.
- Mom,will you sign this? - What is it?
My letter of resignationfrom the debate team.
Oh,this is a proud dayfor mommy.
- Why are you quittingthe debate team? - Personal reasons.
- Would you like to sharethose personal reasons? - No.
Don't be such a pussy. Just go upand talk to her.
- Talk to who? - None of your business.
You two should talk,mother-son. I'll catch you later.
- Silas. - Later,I promise.
We'll have a walkor something. I'm going to school.
Who should you talk to?
Gretchen.
And gretchen'son the debate team?
That's why you were wearingdad's cologne?
Look,I already wentthrough this with silas.
I-I'm just going to avoid herfor the rest of the year.
Hey.
I'm not going to let youoff the hook like that.
You have to be brave.
I hated your fatherwhen I first met him.
He slept on a futon.
He had a goatee.
He hit on my roommate.
But,over time,I got to know him,and we fell in love.
I'm not saying you and gretchenare going to fall in love.
You might not evenlike each otherif you spend time together,but...
you have to give it a shot.
Why do you alwayshave to bring up dad?
Yael. Shalom.
- How's my little man? - Ow,god!
Uh,sorry,shooting pains.
Didn't they give youmedication?
Oh,I don't believein painkillers. They're addictive,you know.
What can I doto make you feel better?
How about letting me pitchinstead of catch this time?
Hello?
Hi,sid.
Thank you.
It came down to threelousy votes --three fucking,lousy votes.
He wasn't evenon the fucking ballot.
You'll get himnext time,tiger.
There's not going to bea next time.
I won.
Hello?
I'll keep my concessionspeech short. Fuck you.
Wow,that's brilliant.
Apparently,my husbandis also your speechwriter.
No,I came up with that oneall by myself.
I even have it memorized. You want to hear it again?
Fuck you!Fuck you!Fuck you!
Loser.
Speech! Speech!
I won. I fucking won.
That was not bad...
for a skinny gimp.
I found your gimlet spots,didn't I?
Hey,wait,wait! Hang out.
I thought maybewe'd go again.
I ve a life,you know.
I can't spend all day in bed,like some people.
Okay,okay.
Well,will you come by later?
I have a lot of workat school.
When do you thinkyou'll be back?
- Everyone misses you. - Yeah,about that.
I think god has a differentplan for me.
What are you saying?
I'm saying,now thatI'm partially toeless,there's no way I can be sentto iraq,
so I'm thinking,god wants meto do something elsebesides studyfor the rabbinate.
I'm thinking maybe he wants meto open a microbreweryor...
day-tradein oil futures.
You can't commit to anything,can you?
Don't say that.
I'm committed to you. Nothing is changingbetween us.
I trusted you. I put my job on the line.
I thought you had ruach.
I have tons of ruach! I'm filled with it!
"No ruach."
You scrawny,selfish little pig.
I did everything for you!
God! Fuck!Quit it.
That dog should have bittenyour dick off!
Yael!Yael!Shit!
Who am I?
Yesterday I was councilman doug.
I could park anywhere.
I had cutsies in every line --the bank,the movie theater.
Hop fong'S.
They gave me the three-itemcombo for the price of two.
I got to drive the fire truck.
And now...
I got nothing. Zilch,nada.
I'm just anothercertified public asshole.
- I'm sorry,doug. - It's not your fault.
Actually it is.
I never filed yourintent-to-run papers.
They were on my deskat work.
I-I had them all filled outand ready to go,but then I got fired,
and I threw them into a boxwhen I cleared out my office.
And then I got tazeredand I...
I guess I just forgotabout them.
I don't know what to say. I am really sorry.
What?
I said I was sorry.
I completely fucked up,
but now it is time for usto pull ourselves togetherand do some serioussoul-searching.
- Jesus! - You fucked up.
Why do I have tosoul-search?
You've ruined my life.
Get the fuckout of my office.
I've got pot. Amazing pot.
Get out of my office.
So,here we are. What's your plan?
I want in. In on what?
I want us to do thistogether. I think we would be goodtogether.
Are we gonna start a band? I want to help yousell pot.
No. No way.Next plan.
There is no next plan.
I can't get intoa decent school.
I'm not working at starbucksjerking lattes for minimum wage,
so it's the only thingthat really makes sense.
I'll tell youwhat makes sense --going to a junior college,doing well,
transferring to a decentuniversity makes sense.
Face it,nancy,I'm no genius.
I'm not gonna grow up and bea doctor or a lawyer,
but I am goodat other things,and I could help you.
Silas,I will never,ever,everlet you get involvedin what I do.I just won't!
- I already am involved. - This conversation is over.
You're such a fuckinghypocrite.
Yes,I am. So live with it.
You know,you thinkyou're protecting me,but you're not protecting mefrom a goddamn thing.
Sweet-- nancy.
Wait,darling.
oh,god. Uh,nancy,I left you a message.
- What did it say? - Hi.
It said that,uh,I have tim.
I have my son tonight.
Yes,tim. Hi,tim.
What's she doing here?
I thought it was justgoing to be us.
- Don't be rude. - I'm sorry.
Bad timing.I should be going.
Nice to see youagain,tim. Peter,I'll call you.
No,no,no. You should stay.
Tim and I were just goingto play a gameof "carcass" or something.
Carcassonne -- it's inspiredby the medieval townof carcassonnein southern france,
which is famous forits formidable city walls --
that sounds so exciting.
You didn't evenlet me explain.
I-I'm just not reallyvery good at games.
Well,my mom is. I guessshe's a lot smarter than you.
I wouldn't doubt thatfor a second.
Go set up the game.
- Sorry. - No,it's my fault.
I should have checkedmy messages.
He goes back to his momin the morning. Dinner tomorrow night?
Great.
Dad! Are we gonna playor not?
Just a sec!
You're twice as smartas his mom.
Conrad.
Can I join you?
It's your house.
It's yours,too.
No,I'm justthe night watchman.
You're my partner.
Whatever youwant to call me.
I came here --
how is it I can livefor 36 years,pack everything that'simportant to me,
and fit itinto a duffel bag?
You packed a duffel bag?
It's in my car right now.
I came here to say --
you came to sayyou're sorry again.
You can still walk awayif you want.
Nancy,don't take me to dinnerwith your husband one night,
and then tell me I can walkthe next.I know I can walk.
I know that.
Are you...gonna walk?
I'd be all alone.
You got your husband.
It's a businessarrangement.
You got your friends.
Your kids.
Shit,I got a fuckingduffel bag.
- Sometimes I wishthat's all I had. - No,you don'T.
Sometimes.
I love my kids.
I love my kidsmore than anything,but sometimes
I thinkwhat it would have been likeif they diedwhen judah died.
What it would be likenot to have to worry.
To be only responsiblefor me...and free.
How nice... that might feel.
How horrible is that?
I'm an... awful...horrible person.
- I can't go home stoned. - It's okay.
- I can't be stonedin front of my kids. - Two hours.
You'll be cleanin two hours.
This shit's gonna haveyour name on it.
It would be kind of weirdnot to try it.
At least once.
- I love my kids. - I know you do.
They're my life.
One hit takes the shitand rolls it back.
Two... takes it out the house.
You packed a duffel bag?
If I was going,I'd be gone.
What are we gonna dofor two hours?
Watch the grass grow... literally.
Sounds like fun.
- Dean? - Yes,councilwoman hodes?
You're gonna have to stopsmoking pot.
I can't have yougetting busted.
I am making agrestica drug-free zone.
Warn your dealer.
Mind your motherfuckin'businessand let them smoke!
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Weeds Season 2 Episode 07