It's a shame that
the one house in the neighborhood that attempted originality
chose this.
If I'm elected,
people like this are gonna have to pay a fine.
I'll call it "This is not fine" fine and I'll just keep collecting it
until they can't pay their mortgage and the bank repossesses their house.
With that in mind,
I'll go tell the neighbors how enlightened you are.
- Hi. - Hello.
I'm Celia Hodes.
- I love your statuary. - Oh, thank you.
I just ordered the gazelle.
Wow!
Oh, no, thank you.
No, no, I'm selling anything. This is my campaign litterature.
I'm running for city council.
And I would love your support.
- I'm voting for Doug Wilson. - Really?
- Why? - I like his campaign slogan.
"Change just brings problems."
Fucking immigrants.
How did it go?
I think they are Doug loyalists.
Why is everybody so stupid?
Look at the bright side:
like the rest of America, most of them won't vote.
Mom!
This lady wants to talk to you.
Excuse me. Duty calls.
Hi. Celia? Lane Cassidy.
Hi, Lane. Celia Hodes running for city council.
Did you have some questions about my campaign?
No, it's your daughter. She's absolutely perfect.
- For what? - Modeling.
Ok, well, that's just cruel.
Come on, Isabel, step away from the crazy person.
No, wait, wait, wait. I'm a Huskaroo rep.
A what?
Huskaroo. It's a clothing line for larger children
- and we are casting for models. - That sounds awesome!
Yeah, well, keep your sweat pants on.
My daughter is not modeling fat clothes.
They're just roomier.
Well, if you change your mind,
call me.
This is so not gonna happen.
- Hello. - Hello.
- You busy tonight? - It's kinda short notice.
You can't just call a girl at the last minute and ask her out.
Now that we're married you're using the rules on me?
Well, truth is I'm gonna be exhausted. I'll be no fun.
- What about tomorrow night? - Movie night with Shane.
Uh... Sunday?
Can't. I'm going undercover for weeks, I won't be able to see you.
Unless you're walking down Pacific Beach
and you wanna get your tongue pierced.
Mom, I wanna be a model.
Get an eating disorder and we'll talk then.
I gotta go.
Fine. Choose your kid over me.
Everytime but...
you're ahead of my brother-in-law.
When I get back, you're gonna date me, woman.
Yes, sir.
Mom, I need to get back to school because lunch break's almost over.
Can you please give me a ride?
Run back...
then maybe strangers won't ask you to model plus size fashion.
- So, who was that? - Nobody.
- A guy? - Celia!
If you weren't dating already, it's about time you started.
If you think I'm ready then I guess I am.
Hey, what about going out with Mr. Luterstein?
- He's fat. Very gay. - What about Mr. Conser?
- Cock-eyed. - Harry Lipman?
- He's in his 60s. - Yeah, but he has a Segway.
Besides it's pretty slim pickens for us at our age.
How are things with Dean?
Oh, let's see: he's a fucking loser
with a body shaped like Cadbury egg.
Only with hair all over it.
But on the plus side, he's tiny, he has a decent job.
Sorry, Mr. Hodes, you can't take the chair.
This is my chair. I bought it from Relaxaback with my own money.
I can't believe this!
Well, we're gonna need your parking pass, sir.
- Thank you. - Fucking... fuckers fucked!
Mr. Hodes, that's not appropriate.
Cheap ass corporate cocksuckings cocks!
Sir, please, I kinda like you.
I'm filing you for maltermination suit,
you dirty lying stingy ass cunt pricks
with your bullshit expense accounts!
Fuck all of you! Fuck all of you!
- Sir! - You too! You too!
I know how you break in Edwin's office and how you rug...
That's bullshit about Tara and Eric.
- No way did he bone her. - Says he got a handjob.
So? Big deal! Candy gives it to me all the time.
Dude, that slut gives them to everybody.
Not to Strange Botwin she doesn't.
I bet he's never had one.
Can't even find somebody to lunch with.
Lacy Laplante?
My boy said that it means "the plant". Seemed appropriate.
Yeah. Why not just call me Mary Jane Dealer?
Look, if anything they'll think you're a stripper.
You're sure this is gonna work?
Just be cool.
Next.
I set up an account over the phone today
and I'm here to pay the deposit in cash.
Driver's license and social please.
What are these?
I'm from Canada... eh?
I'm not sure if we can accept these, lady.
Look, I just moved down here and I don't have a license or social yet.
But I really, really need electricity by tomorrow.
What? You can't miss Oprah for one day?
My husband is on a ventilator and his medevac lands in the morning.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
Sorry about your husband.
Hockey.
A forward from Mouston checked him so hard that
his sternum broke and he punctured a lung.
That's when they found the cancer.
We moved here to be close to a specialist.
Sorry about the Oprah crack.
Just give me power and we'll call it even.
Yes, Mrs. Laplante. No problem.
Did you do it?
Lacey is...
a fucking...
badass.
Hey! Look, what I found in the closet: a hookah.
Oh, cool, man.
Let's fire her up!
Oh, a hookah!
Mr. Avakian, the guy that owns this house,
would always ask me to share a hookah with him.
I thought he was just some creepy armenian perv.
Now I realize he was just a party brother.
How cool would it be if there was a genie in this hookah?
Not for him, he'd be on fire.
Yeah. What if he popped out first though?
And granted you a wish, what would it be?
Ok. All right.
There's this authentic Chinese restaurant
I went to in San Francisco once.
Had the greatest General Tso chicken ever.
I'd wish...
to fuck the hostess.
You?
$180 billion.
Oh... Cash over ass, huh?
Cash equals ass.
What was I thinking taking ass over cash?
Guess I'm even hornier than I thought.
Things with wifey slowing down, huh?
It used to be wild. I mean intense.
But how do you ask a woman that makes your kids lunches
to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass?
How, Andy? How?
I don't like this game anymore.
We are good to grow.
You're high already!
It's not even 4:20.
If you want me to do manual labor, don't expect me to be lucid.
What's the point of cleaning anyway? We're just gonna be planting.
The grow area has to be completely sterilized.
There can't be any germs or bacterias in here.
How do we get rid of those boxes?
You must mean the boxes I spent all yesterday afternoon setting up.
We don't. That's our false front.
Who the fuck is that?
That's me. Planning ahead.
What the hell part of "discretion" do you not understand?
"Cretion". I know the "dis" part.
Whose name did you sign up with?
Nancy Botwin... Oh, shit!
I am Lacey Laplante, you idiot.
I thought it would be nice if we had internet.
Bring a penthouse.
Hey, we changed our minds. We think the Internet is just a phase.
Could you please rip up... As a matter of fact...
Save you the trouble.
You know what? As much as I like to indulge,
we have a lot of work to do.
All the equipments are being delivered tomorrow.
Victor is coming over to set it up.
So much for being discrete.
Yeah, you're sure we trust this guy, right?
Yo, 98% of Victor's business is setting up grow houses.
He rats out one person, he fucks his entire livelihood.
You know what? I would like to set this up ourselves
but in case you haven't noticed, there are times
when our little posse seems like the fucking Bad News Drug Dealers.
And the equipment that I got is pretty sophisticated.
Just how sophisticated are we talking about?
I'm talking about top of the line.
Not of this cheap passive weak system bullshit.
Is this your way of telling me you went over budget?
Baby, let's not get hang up on corrosive.
My projecting say we're gonna be generating a million plus in year of revenues.
What numbers?
20 metal highlight hood locks bulbs, 2,000 a pop.
We're looking at multiple gallon reservoirs.
Pumps, 10 wall fans.
What? 10% over?
Baby, baby, this is is my vision, all right?
And when I do something, I do it right. Nothing half-ass.
I mean we got the cash, right?
What if we don't?
Do you have the cash?
No.
Lacey Laplante might.
Why do you be playing with me like this?
So who's that? DirectTV?
Probably.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, it's just Dean.
You okay?
I guess we're square now.
Hey. How come...
How come Dean doesn't have to clean?
What's the matter?
Everyone at my grade has already gotten a handjob.
Congrats, little stud. How was it?
No, everyone but me.
Now they're making fun of me.
Fuck them.
When you'll win the Pulitzer price,
you know how much pussy you're gonna get?
I can't wait that long.
What am I gonna do?
Well, that's easy enough, young man.
Huh?
Don't ever say I'm not a good uncle.
Mimosa, my darling?
Isn't it a little early to be drinking?
Even for you, Celia.
- Big day today? - Oh yeah, yeah.
I had to take depositions. Huge case.
Yeah, our client wants to sue the city.
Dean, it's Jack. Sorry about what happened today, buddy.
If you need a recommendation, let me know.
Hi, Mr. Hodes it's Starla.
I spoke to Blue Cross and you're eligible for this thing called
Cobra Continuation Coverage.
And I'm not supposed to be talking to you anymore
so call my cellphone. Bye!
I was the one who recommended that they downsized.
I dedicated my life to that firm.
How could you do this to me?
Oh, he ain't even called yet.
Love has found Heylia James.
Girl, you better stop.
Just 'cause you ain't got nobody in your business
don't mean you can be all up in mine.
Did he say that he was gonna call?
I said "call me"
and he said "I don't have your number"
so I said "I'm listed", the home phone anyway.
Haven't left the house in 2 days.
How fucking pathetic is that?
It's cute.
If he wasn't hoping for the global destruction of the white race,
I might really be rooting for you two.
He don't mean that shit.
Well, maybe he do. I just like him.
Sometimes you fall for the wrong people.
Something about the way they smell or smile
or carry a little pack of tissues in their pockets.
Maybe you do got somebody in your business.
Yeah, he's in his 60s and he rides a segway
but there's something about him.
What the fuck's a segway?
It's a thing with 2 wheels that rich white people ride.
Well, ain't the lucky star shining on your lily pots.
Even if I break master
I ain't getting boo for Allah knows how long.
Still... gives you a reason to get dressed in the morning.
What if she doesn't like me?
$80 and a generous tip says she will.
Now keep your mouth shut,
consider this an early birthday present.
Are you getting one too?
I've got a date in a few hours.
Of course i'm getting one.
No way to stay cool if you're backed up.
Nice wedding band.
Who next?
Hi.
My little buddy over here is a first timer.
I mean he's done the self-serve but he's looking for a full.
Do you have any students discounts?
You go away! Inappropriate!
- Inappropriate behavior. - Is this a negociating play?
You don't bring a little boy in here.
What? His money's not green?
Come on! He's been saving his allowance for weeks.
You, I do. Little boy, no.
Where's Rhea?
- Rhea! - What?
Andrew.
It's so nice to see you. It's been a while.
You have a date tonight?
Would you tell Mrs. Saigon we're here for business?
He want happy finish for little boy.
Inappropriate!
He is 18 with a glandular problem, right?
- Of course! - He little boy!
If she won't do it, what can I do?
- Artritis. - Oh, there's..
And gingivitis.
Sorry, little buddy.
N o!
Don't cry.
Ok. Come in.
Nice move with the tears, kid.
- I'm going to Megan's. - Of course.
Lupita, I'm sorry I took all your supplies.
You did? I mean you should ask.
I get nothing done.
What did you clean?
A homeless shelter. Made me feel good.
You know, you can clean the whole house...
Make you feel great.
I wouldn't want to take that away from you.
Andy, where were you?
You were supposed to help me clean.
At the homeless shelter.
Oh yeah, the homeless shelter. Well...
I've been doing my own good work.
I need to take a nap.
Shane, what about movie night?
I'm tired, mom.
Sweet dreams!
I've been stood up!
Well, I gotta go ready for a date so...
catch you later, Mrs. Lonely Hearts.
Hello.
It's me. You still wanna go out tonight?
Maybe I'm not available on such short notice.
Are you?
I can go for a steak.
Food's boring.
Let's do something exciting.
- Sure you've never done this? - You're a good teacher.
18 years on the job.
- Ever killed anybody? - 18 years on the job.
What's to stop
you or me or them from just blowing somebody away?
Death row.
Ok.
Your turn.
It's okay.
One more!
You have uh...
amazing shoulders.
No, they're tarnished.
Look, bullet wound from the army.
You saw battle?
Israeli men are very macho.
Everything is all fine when you bring another woman into bed.
But you bring another man and they go crazy!
So he shot you?
To be honest, if he hadn't,
I would have thought he was a faggot.
And the sex was great that night.
The pain and the pleasure...
very exciting.
Here you go.
- Hello. - Heylia, this is Joseph.
Joseph?
Joseph.
So, how are you?
Well, I'm feeling somewhat conflicted, Heylia.
As a follower of Islam,
one of the evils we must be watchful for is the
enticing beauty of women.
Yet I...
I'd very much like to see you.
That's a compliment, right?
Are you available for marriage?
Excuse me! Did you just propose?
Damn, you don't waste no time for your God.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry if you misunderstood.
I was just enquiring if you were available for marriage down the line.
Right now I wish us to get better acquainted.
I just love the way you talk.
You wanna date me, right?
Look, I've been waiting here for 2 hours.
Excuse me just a minute, Heylia.
I understand your frustration, ma'am.
We will find your bags. I'm doing my best.
Devil bitch.
Heylia, I'm afraid anything beyond phone calls would be
unwise at this juncture.
The temptation would be too great.
How long is it gonna take until you get unwise 'cause...
No disrespect to Mohammad but I think you're damn fine
and I wanna see you face to face.
I'll see you in 40 minutes.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm... I thought we were hitting it off.
- Yeah, we are. - Good.
Oh, I'm sorry, it's too soon
since your lover died.
No, I've been with many men.
Helps to get over things.
Good.
Am I getting mixed messages here or...
Look...
you're adorable.
But I'm not attracted to you.
Sorry.
Are you a chubby chaser or something?
No, just...
I like a man. Someone big and strong.
Someone who can grow a beard.
You're pretty. And I could flip you like a pancake.
You'd ask permission instead of slamming up against the wall
and fucking me until I cum like a volcano.
But we can still be friends, right?
I wanna try the Glock next or maybe the Magnum.
Easy there, cowgirl. Maybe next time.
We're done?
I've got a long drive to Pacific Beach
and it takes me hours to sterilize my piercing needles.
Sorry.
You like going undercover?
With you I do.
Come on, it's exciting, isn't it?
Until you get shot in the ass by a meth freak with a nail gun.
Yeah, it's exciting.
Bye.
Can I try the shiny one with the pretty pearly grip?
Sorry, we're closing in 10 minutes.
You don't have to go home but you can't shoot here.
Oh, here's your license, Mrs. Laplante.
It's Lacey. My mother is Mrs. Laplante.
What are you doing back here?
How often are you gonna see a grow house being built?
Close your eyes.
- Close your eyes. - Shut up.
I'm serious. Come on.
Close your eyes. Step in.
Now...
I want you to picture
a bright, bright room filled with beautiful green plants.
Look at the leaves.
Look closer now.
What's on those leaves?
What is going on those leaves?
It's money! We're growing money!
Well...
If bullshit makes the grass grow, then maybe you're right.
Oh but this ain't bullshit,
this is hydro.
Damn!
They're fast.
I think they're meth addicts.
They're not using any nail guns, are they?
I'm sorry it's taken so long. I'm Victor.
Hi, I'm Lacey.
- I like your eyeballs. - Thank you, Victor.
They're real, you know?
Who the hell is that?
Can I help you?
This is for you.
- What is it? - Baklava.
What for?
You are new to the neighborhood. This is to say...
goodbye.
Oh. You don't like blacks, huh?
I have no problem with the negros.
I like your music and your fried foods.
What's your problem?
I see several trucks pull up to your house today and I'm thinking
"What will come out?
Perhaps a ping pong table,
maybe a lazy boy or a flat screen TV."
But no, it was all boxes.
And I know these boxes.
These are Victor's boxes.
I know what you are doing so get out.
Or next time I knock on your door...
I won't be holding pastries
and neither will my brothers and my cousins.
Tell Victor "Kashishian says hi".
And the long ones are walnut.
Delicious!
Victor...
Kashishian says hi.
Shit!
Guys, hold the work.
What's going on?
- Ahram Kashishian. - Who's that?
North side Armenian power.
The competition.
I set up his grow houses.
Motherfucker is serious about his business.
We gotta move.
This is America.
We can all do business.
We'll send him cookies.
Scare the shit out of him.
Did you hear the man?
We have problems.
There's always problems. There's always solutions.
Keep going, fellows.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
Fine.
Lacey...
can I talk to Nancy for a second, please?
She's gonna go home. You can talk to her tomorrow.
Finish.
What's going on?
Megan's pregnant.
And we're keeping it.
Hi, Nancy.
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