Nancy?
Just a minute!
God! You're beautiful.
Come here.
Mom?
Checking for monsters?
What? Uh... Oh!
No, I can't find my shoe. Uh, sandal. It's a sandal.
So, I'm guessing no breakfast.
No, I'm not really a breakfast person.
I like to have coffee in the morning but after that I'm good till
lunch usually. Sometimes I have a bagel around... 10:30.
- I'll make you some coffee. - Uh, no, I should go home.
Ah ah! Found it.
You have big feet.
Why do you have a gun in your dresser?
Were you snooping?
My feet used to be smaller but I went up a size with each kid.
It's just sitting there...
in your dresser.
I saw it when I went to pee.
I like your big feet.
They're not like Fred Flinstone feet. They're just...
long. Uh...
What do you do exactly...
for a living?
- I'm a DEA agent. - You never said anything.
You never asked. And it's not really a job that you advertise.
- I need to go home. - No, no, no. Come on! Wait!
- Wait a second! - Oh, God! You're naked.
So were you until a few minutes ago.
But now it's day time and I'm all dressed and...
- methodist. - Ah.
Well, I need a goodbye kiss or I'll feel
cheap and used.
Should we make another date now?
I'll call you.
Did my gun freak you out?
Yes.
The one in that dresser, right?
Bye!
I mean, look at this!
We're never getting out of here.
Can you tun on the radio?
I have called the city council office over and over
about putting in a light here.
Radio?
No, I can't have no waves right now.
I'm too annoyed.
What are you doing?
- I'm hungry. - Please!
Don't think I didn't see you eating and drinking
every single sample in the store, Miss.
Can't believe they didn't cut you off after the 7th Chai Latte
- Those cups are tiny! - Yeah, unlike you.
- Put the pretzels back! - No!
- Give me the bag! - No!
- I'm throwing them out! - No, you're not. Stop!
Shit!
Oh great!
Just perfect.
Shit! Goddamn it!
Oh no! She be so angry!
This is not your fault.
Si, you tell the Mrs. this is your fault.
No, it's not my fault either.
Si, is your fault, please.
You tell her or she make me sleep with the dog and the corn snake.
There needs to be a traffic light right here.
...and she made me kill the rat!
Doug Wilson and his merry band of idiots are just sitting up there and doing nothing.
Asshole!
She loves this car.
Every month she pays more for this car than for me.
And I have no license.
You have no license? Oh, that's fabulous.
Are you even legal? What's your name?
Wait, wait, wait, let me get a pen. Stay right here.
Who is your Mrs.? Your lady?
- Mom! - One second!
- What? no, mom! Mom! - God! One second!
- Oh, shit! - Thank you!
Did you realize if I married a non-jew, I couldn't go to a rabbinical school.
I can go if I'm gay and my lover is jewish.
I can go if I'm single.
But I'm not eligible if I marry a beautiful shiksa
with blond silky pubes waxed into the shape of a shamrock.
Doesn't that seem fucked up to you?
You know, I mean, more than half of all American jews marry outside the tribe.
Clearly, there's a problem and yet
when a jewish person is interested in pursuing his or her religious calling,
if he or she fell in love with someone outside the faith,
- and Lord knows, we don't always choose who to love -
that jew is turned away.
How was your sleepover?
Yeah, how was your sleepover, Nancy?
Let anyone know you were taking off for the night?
Yes, I did.
Andy and Lupita knew how to get in touch with me
and I don't have to defend my actions to my teenage child.
I got scared.
- Oh, honey, you were asleep. - I woke up!
Sweety, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you nervous, okay?
I was just at a friend's house.
The dishwasher's broken.
L upita!
Maybe if you'd spend a little more time around here, you might know that.
Would you please do the dishes?
The machine is broke.
I know that, that's why I'd like you to do the dishes.
N o.
What do you mean "no"?
Makes my hands crack.
You need to get the machine fixed.
Maybe I need to get a new housekeeper.
Maybe you have too much love and trust for me
to ever let me go.
Call the repair guy and get him over here as soon as possible.
O kay.
So is this gonna be a regular thing with you?
What is with your tone?
Morning!
She's not wearing any pants.
That's okay, I'm almost a rabbi.
Yeah, Shane is not and you're a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Go upstairs, put some clothes on.
Sorry.
Lupita, would you get that please?
I didn't say that Megan could sleep over.
They didn't do much sleeping.
- Excuse me? - Shut up, you spying perv!
I was looking for mom, it was an accident.
An amazing accident.
I don't even wanna know.
You didn't tell she couldn't sleepover. Come on, Nancy!
Stop calling Nancy!
My name is Mom
or Mommy Dearest.
For beautiful Nancy with the lon elegant... feet.
Don't be afraid, Peter.
- Ew! - Pete?
Nice work, Mommy Dearest.
Oh, dear God!
Were you mean to your mother when you were a teenager?
I didn't live with my mom, I lived with Heylia.
And you don't pull that shit with Heylia.
I want my kids to fear me.
Do what my mom did.
- Which was? - She shot me in the leg.
Are you serious?
She shot me in the leg and I am afraid of that woman now.
Was she on drugs?
My mom never did a drug a day in her life.
My mom was... a drunk.
One night she thought that I was my pops.
That's how we got into the whole drug game.
The painkillers I was getting from the doctors was making me sleep all the time
so Heylia switch me to weeds, started meeting people in the industry.
Before that she worked at Price Club.
Hey, team! Solved all our problems yet?
I might shoot Silas in the leg.
Look, right now if we liquidated everything,
got ourselves out of the lease, we're looking at maybe
half of what we need to start growing marijuana.
What about insurance?
You got some kind of sneaky awesome plot behind them crazy eyes?
Could we?
Baby, that shit only works on The Sopranos
and I will guarantee you that the fire chief is better at investigating arson
and you are commiting it.
You are a drug dealer.
Not a fire bug.
Why do you have to call Nancy "baby" and I don't?
Black thing.
Fine.
Can I have your help here, please?
A nyway...
baby got some problems.
Did I mention I slept with a DEA agent last night?
I'm not going to jail for you.
Fuck this! I'm out. You can kiss this nigger goodbye.
No, my kid bit his kid's foot in karate.
How could he plan that?
It's just a totally fucked up random thing.
He came right on and told me what he does for a living, he doesn't know.
Fuck "he doesn't know"!
And even if he doesn't, he will and me...
I ma be gone.
Do not come around Heylia's, do you hear me?
You have stepped in shit and you ain't gonna track it to my house.
Conrad, I won't talk to him anymore.
It's late.
Wait, wait.
Are you angry 'cause I fucked a DEA agent or 'cause I fucked somebody else?
Oh, wow!
You think this is about arrogant ass?
Let me tell you something...
we wouldn't be having this conversation right now
if you'd have fucked a travel agent.
Get out of my way.
I have asked in
every way that I know how.
You have repeatedly ignored my requests.
But it does not change the fact that there needs to be a light
at the intersection.
It's a matter of public safety.
What is?
The light.
Celia, lights cost money.
Yes, isn't that what the budget is for, Doug?
All of our money has been allocated for the year, we...
we're renovating this chamber here. Haven't you seen the plans?
I mean, come on! We got like a full kitchen going on back there.
So I pay my taxes so you can have a kitchen?
And a parade.
And the balance of what we owe the branding firm
for the new town slogan: "Agrestic, the best of the best-ic." Huh?
And a lot of other stuff. A lot of other stuff too.
Now, if that's everything, I wanna go home and watch the game.
And drink a little bit.
A djourned.
Your turn to bring snacks next week.
I think I speak for everyone when I say
vegetarian pigs in blanket are bullshit.
Okay.
Oh! Celia. I'm sorry.
Although I do think that counts as a touchdown.
Want a shot of Jack in that?
Great article about injecting human growth hormone to stay young.
Except they never say where they're getting it from.
Makes you wonder if they're sucking the youth
out of small brown children somewhere so that actors
and trophy wives can stay in business.
I was serious about the shot. You want?
Actually, I do.
It's been one of those days.
So, you heard about my accident? Right?
And I just got humiliated at city council by the fuckhead Doug Wilson.
- So what's up with you? - Just life.
Kids.
Baking.
You need to get laid.
Frankly, so do I.
You're seeing anyone? Maybe we could share.
You should run for city council.
Doug would lose his mind.
Oh, I didn't mean run for Doug's seat.
Yeah, but Doug's seat is up this year.
Maybe it's a bad idea.
No, I think it's a perfectly great idea.
Show that asshole that he can't treat people like shit
and ignore their totally reasonable requests.
I'm running for city council.
Thank you, Nancy. I feel so much better now.
So, basicly, my whole life has been leading up to this,
to the rabbinat, you know. It's my true calling.
And as far as the Hebrew goes, I'm a really quick study.
I know all the brugatas already.
And I know the word for jellyfish, it's medusot.
And glida, that's ice cream
Do you know what ... means?
As in:
I think you're full of shit.
No, I don't think I know that one.
Okay. So, this has been very amusing,
I wish you all the best in your life and now I'm done.
- Wait. What? I'm in? - You talk a lot.
That's a wonderful quality in a rabbi, no?
And yet you say nothing.
Oh. Oh! Israeli snap! That's okay, I can take it.
Resiliency is another excellent rabbinic trait.
Time for you to go. Okay?
Goodbye!
Okay, good. Thanks for your time.
I guess I'm gonna have to look for another rabbinical school.
One that respects my ambition, one that recognizes my talent.
Yes, our loss. Good luck to you!
I'm begging you. This is the end of the road for me.
Um... if you don't let me into your school,
I'm gonna be killed.
Really?
Someone holding a gun to your head saying be a rabbi or die?
Actually, yeah.
You're my last chance, Yael Hoffman Director of Admissions.
I beseech you!
My life is in your hands.
You have 5 minutes to explain yourself and no more bullshit.
And I'm wearing a bra
so stop looking for my nipples.
- I... How'd you know? - 4 minutes 50 seconds.
Okay.
I didn't care what shit was going on.
Every night we had family dinner.
We were talking about our day, arguing
or giving each other the stink eye.
Whatever, we were all here.
All sort of studies talk about how family dinner's like superglue.
Hold you together and fixes everything that's broke.
Yeah, higher test scores, less depression.
You guys are better than NPR.
Or we're the original NPR:
Negros Preching Right.
And if dinner don't work,
you need to smack some sense into that boy.
I'm not much for smacking.
Just don't be his bitch.
Now you pushed him out your hooch, you can puch him out your house.
You the boss.
Let's see. You want gruyere or smoked gouda?
Smoked gouda.
Here you go.
So, uh, is Conrad around?
Now you're about to lose your panini.
You know you ain't friends no more.
Them are rules.
I just thought...
He out buying me a breast pump.
I hope he's getting you electric.
Manual takes forever.
Shit. Did we say electric or manual?
We didn't say nothing.
And don't think once you start pumping that I'm gonna sit up in this house
while you're out there showing off your brand new titties.
I've got a life too, you know.
What the hell is she doing here?
Is that the manual?
You're gonna have to take that back.
I need the... What do I need?
The Pump In Style.
Pump In Style. Electric.
This looks delicious, Heylia.
I'm gonna try the gruyere next time I come.
Ain't gonna be no next time.
Heylia, Conrad is talking to me and he's not supposed to.
That's right. Boy, get your black ass back out to that store
and get this girl the...
Pump In Style.
The Pump In Style and here take this.
So what about "Celia Hodes... it's time for change."
And then we show a big clock
and, like, instead of numbers, they are nickels and dimes and quarters.
Get it? Time for change. Isn't that cute?
- Yeah, that's retarded. - That is not very nice.
I have a nephew who's retarded and he has to wear a helmet.
Where are the other girls? Didn't we say 4:30?
- They're not coming, Celia. - What do you mean "they're not coming"?
No, no, no, no. This is about Agrestic.
I am so clearly more qualified than Doug Wilson.
They all take stripper fitness class with Doug's wife Dana.
It's a whole bonding thing.
Stripper fitness class?
Kenneth doesn't like me to do it
'cause he thinks I'll go lesbo on him like when I took folk guitare.
Hello, ladies. How's the election planning?
Oh, fine. Trying to find a slogan.
No, no, no. That's grownup juice, not for you.
When can I have some grownup juice?
When you have a daughter who drives you to it.
Celia,
just wanted to give you a heads-up that
Doug knows you're running against him in the elction.
And I care because?
He seemed pretty upset.
Especially when I told him I couldn't be his campaign manager.
- Why not? - Why not what?
Why can't you be his campaign manager?
'Cause you're running. I...
I just assumed that...
Am I your campaign manager?
No.
How dare you?
I run unopposed. This is my thing. Get your own thing.
Well, I tried to get my own thing.
A light at the mall in Hillgrik Road.
But when that thing didn't work out,
I switched to this thing.
I'm hoping in the end to get both things.
I'm city councilman Doug.
Not after the next election you're not.
So you're telling me, you don't want me to work on your campaign.
I wanna win.
Fuck you!
Dean, there's a child present.
Don't call me a child! I'm a civic leader.
And you're not taking that away from me.
She was talking about me.
Doug, I am so on your side.
Thank you, compadre.
And I would be honored to be your campaign manager.
We'll see.
What do you mean "we'll see"?
Do you two think you could take this little pussy party
somewhere else 'cause we'retrying to work here.
Dad can't say fuck but you can say pussy.
I'll be in my room.
Let's go.
You will rue the day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rue my ass.
- Not enough rue. - Come on!
How about "Celia Hodes... making friends".
What's up?
Dinner in 10 minutes.
I'm not hungry I just had Veggie Booty.
Well, you're gonna sit with us anyway.
Family dinner, so wash up.
The repair guy didn't come.
He was gonna come today. I was out.
Lupita had a hair appointment so he'll be here tomorrow.
- Hey, what's in the bag? - Family dinner. All of us.
Yeah, I got work to do, Nanc'.
Clear your crap of the table.
Oh, I told Megan I'd eat at her place.
Well, call and tell her not tonight.
I made plans.
Well, I bought chicken and you're my son
and you're going to sit down and we're going to eat.
So call her.
Funny.
- Take the phone. - Mom!
We're gonna have a family dinner.
You're a member of this family.
Take the phone, call your girlfriend. Now.
Get your ass in this chair before I kicked it to Tuesday.
Andy, set the table.
Game over, wash your hands.
So help me God, I've had it!
We're gonna be a family if I have to kill all of you.
You hear me?
Fine, I'll eat twice.
Eat 7 times, I don't care!
As long as you eat once with us.
You're really invested in this chicken, aren't you?
Shut up!
See... nice... dinner.
So...
how was everyone's day?
I got a B on my French test.
Oh, très bien.
Silas?
I take Spanish.
Did you get any test back today?
No.
I'm writing about what being a Jew means to me.
If I write well, I'll be accepted into rabbinical school.
And if I don't...
I'll be shipped overseas to die.
So far I've written
"being a Jew means I have no foreskin and I may be a Taysachs carrier".
So, uh, I think I'm gonna die.
What's Taysachs?
It's a fatal, genetic lipid storage disorder
prevalent upon european Jews. You don't have to worry about it.
If you had it, you'd already be dead.
Cool.
See...
Look how we're learning new things.
I'm not going to answer the phone during dinner.
I mean it.
Hello, you've reached the Botwins, we're not home right now.
But if you leave us a message, we'll come home right away.
Uh, Nancy, hi, it's Sanjay.
I thought you might wanna know that the bakery...
is on fire. Okay, bye.
So, it looks like your employee was firing up an oven
when his cigarette lit a gas line.
Negligence and stupidity, pure and simple, ma'am.
He could have been killed.
I hope you're insured.
Does insurance cover an employee's um...
negligence and stupidity?
You oughta check with your carrier.
Something tells me you're covered.
There's no business
like grow business.
There's no business
I know.
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