You're cute.
Previously on Weeds.
We just mostly hang out, get high.
You're an idiot. Fuck you!
That was dad's lighter! He gave it to me!
What's wrong with you?
Give me your fucking bag!
I just got ripped off by some campus cop at valley State.
Then you're gonna need my protection a lot more than you think.
Your rent-a-cop is a dealer himself.
Nice haircut!
It's a wig.
Right, the cancer thing.
Can I pet it?
- I love you. - What the hell are you doing?
How can I make it up to you?
Here. This is yours.
I didn't realize who you were.
I mean I knew who you were, I just didn't know
who you were. I'm so sorry.
You feel like a big man?
Hmm?
All macho and shit?
She got jacked for like 14 grand...
She... got jacked...
for 14 grand. Not us. Not me.
See, I've got my shit tucked away safe.
Boy, it wasn't your job to defend her.
That man was just protecting what was his.
Just like any man would.
But see, you got to go up in there
and beat the shit out of him with your little buddies.
For what? For her?
So she think you're a big man?
Big strong man!
You're her fucking errand boy.
Gonna fuck my shit up after all the years I've sacrificed for you,
for Vanita, for everybody.
For what? For somebody who ain't even family?
Somebody who's too hard-headed to listen,
don't know what the hell she doing. Growing too big too fast.
But no, she's jumping there before she even know the lay of the land.
Yeah, but see, there you are.
With a big old net,
waiting to catch her just in case she fall.
She gonna fall all right.
She gonna fall and land her lilly white ass right on top of your head.
Hell! On top of my head!
Grind all our shit into the ground.
- I'm sorry. - Yes, you are.
And you ain't gonna see her no more.
She come over here, you disappear.
You will have no contact with her whatsoever.
I mean, you even see a white girl on television, you change the channel
or I swear for God I will freeze you out so cold
you'll have to carry your ass to the North Pole to defrost.
You hear me?
I hear you.
Heylia.
I'm warning you, little girl. I'm in no mood.
What you want?
- I think I'm in labor. - My grandbaby?
My grandbaby's coming.
Lord! That's... Girl! Girl, let's go! Get my bag!
- And? - No biting.
I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
I'm not gonna bite anyone!
Under any circumstances, no matter what,
no matter how provoked or upset you might be, there'll be no biting.
Stop it! I'm not gonna bite.
Thank you.
Listen to me: thank you for not biting.
You're welcome.
Smartass.
You don't even know if he's gonna be there.
Who?
That guy you like, Peter.
Don't even know if I like him.
- He's creepy. - He's not creepy.
Yes, he is and he smells like flea collar.
Why don't you go out, we'll be late.
Good clean fight. Clean!
- No teeth. - No teeth.
Go get 'em.
- Hey! - Hi... Peter!
Hi, Peter!
- Nice to see you again. - You too.
I was hoping to hear from you.
Yeah...
I've been meaning to call, I should have called.
- You still have my number? - I do. I have it.
I'll call you.
We'll have fun.
I guess Shane's reputation preceeds him.
Okay, I'm the celebrity and you be the publicist.
You're so hot!
- Really? - Yeah.
You're so hot!
Do I look hot like this?
Yeah, you look really hot like that.
Mom, can Peggy sleep over?
You know, she doesn't have any of her overnight things.
But see, we have extra toothbrushes
and tomorrow she can borrow one of my Cindy outfits.
Older tags are so on.
You're so hot!
You have excellent hair and you know it.
It's an $8 haircut.
It smells good.
When did you smell my hair?
At the restaurant.
There were overtones of tomato sauce and garlic but
underneath it smelled clean and leafy.
Shit, that's my doorbell. What time is it?
A quarter after one.
Oh God, I gotta go.
- We're on for tomorrow? - Yeah. Yeah, bye.
- Mommy! - Is this your son?
Hi, mommy!
What did you do?
We caught him and his girlfriend breaking into one of the modelhomes
high on something, we're guessing ecstasy.
You told me you were sleeping at Brian's.
Oh I'm so thirsty. Do we have grape soda? It has to be grape.
N o.
Officer, I will attend to this in a grave and serious fashion.
You know, taking ecstasy is like
taking ice scream scoops out of the brain.
Yeah... Where is Megan?
She's out in the car with my partner... being very difficult.
Not responding to questions.
She's deaf.
- Seriously? - Told you!
- Do you need her address? - Yes, ma'am, please. Thank you.
Thank you so much for
bringing my son home, officer, and I promise you this will never ever
happen again.
It'd better not. You know, this is a very critical time in your child's life.
His... his brain is developping.
You don't want it all hollowed out by the time he's 20.
I certainly don't, officer.
- Good night. - Ice scream scoops.
This is...
This is the softest thing I've ever felt in my entire life.
Enjoy it because
when you come down, I'm going to make your life unbelievably hard.
Is that for you?
Yeah.
See? Andrew Botwin.
That's a letter for me 'cause I'm someone who gets mail.
What?
They wanna send me to Iraq, Lupita.
Bye!
You're so hot!
Oh good Christ!
They found me, man!
Bummer!
Who found you?
The fucking army! That's who.
Years ago, in Colorado,
I was trying to
impress a lady friend and there was jägermeister
and I signed up for the army reserves then I forgot about it.
Now, I get a letter
saying I gotta report for duty or face military prison.
I don't... How did they find me?
I mean, I'm off the grid. I'm "Off-the-grid Andy".
Well, you got busted for possession.
And now you're "In-the-system Andy".
Well, you gotta help me, man. You're on the city council, right?
Tell them that my city needs me.
Needs you for what?
I don't know for... for...
planting trees.
Starting a youth program for troubled teenage girls.
I can help you if got a ticket for littering a park
but that's all the juice I got.
Fine, then I'm a consciencious objector.
No, you signed for the reserves on your own free drunk horny accord. You are fucked!
I am not going to Iraq
to fight in some bullshit war about oil money.
Bullshit war?
What about 9/11? Didn't Iran hide the terrorists?
We're fighting a war in Iraq, Doug,
and neither country had anything to do with blowing up the World Trade Center.
Well, they both have sand.
Bush invaded a sovereign nation in defiance of the UN.
He's a war criminal
and now I'm supposed to be one of his disposable thugs
with a fucking target on my head in the middle of the desert
waiting to be blown up by a carbomb
rigged by a 12-year-old who loved Friends and Metallica
until one of your missiles blew up his house ?
I don't think so.
They had weapons of mass destruction!
There were no weapons of mass destruction!
No?
Well, whatever.
Look, I've got a lot of shit to do.
You name me one thing you have to do that's more important
than the corporate takeover of our democracy!
I gotta take a shit.
You gotta help me, man.
I will, I will.
I'm going to put one of those yellow ribbon stickers on my car.
For you.
How could you be so blindly pro-Bush?
I like his wife, Laura.
I used to buy weed from her at SMU.
Good shit!
Good shit.
Silas?
Silas. Don't leave. Love. Mom.
What happened at the hospital?
Sent her home.
Can't even have a baby right.
I wanna show you something I've been working on.
Superstrain.
Grow anytime anywhere.
Not in West Adams it won't.
You're gonna be a dealer
or you're gonna be a fucking gardener, Pedro?
Heylia, in order for us to grow, we have to grow.
We don't need no land, it's hydro. All we need is warehouse space.
Let it go, Conrad.
Let it go? I won't be a middleman for the rest of my life.
Negro, please. You still got to work your way up to the middle.
Yeah, well, all growers are starting to send exclusively to the clubs.
Which means that we got to get in on this now.
I did the research, I'm telling you if we don't...
Enough! Now this my business.
You work for me.
Oh shit!
She in labor?
Already been to the hospital.
Ain't but 2cm dilated. This one gonna be awhile.
Fuck you!
That's right, baby! Let it all out!
Go to your happy place.
So, Conrad, nice plant.
You're working on a new special blend for me?
What's the matter?
Oh he not here.
Oh really?
- He coming back soon? - No.
He's not.
Not while you're here.
What's that supposed to mean?
That means that from now on,
if you got business to handle, you handle it with me.
You and Conrad ain't having no more association.
Not while I'm alive and kicking with my pointy shoes.
I don't understand. What did I do?
You brought out the stupid in him.
No, I'm sure you didn't tell him to go down that little school
and beat the tar out of little Mr. Security Guard but...
you blinked them big brown eyes
and there he go.
And I can't have that.
You did that?
Who you think done it?
The Fuck-You-Up fairy?
I didn't... I had no idea.
- I never would have. - And you never will.
So if you want to keep on doing business over here,
you're gonna do it with me and Vanita.
You can't tell me who to talk to.
Conrad, say something.
- He's my friend. - What's it gonna be?
You're gonna play
or you're gonna get the fuck out of my kitchen and never come back.
That's... not a fair choice.
Fair is what you pay to ride the bus.
See, that's the only fair I know.
Forget it.
I'm out of here.
Are you sure about that?
- Maybe. - Maybe?
You hear that shit, Vanita? She said maybe.
I think my water just broke!
On my good chair? What the fuck!
God! You didn't think to put a towel down?
Mommy!
All right, baby, I'm coming. I'm coming.
Thank you.
So how do you know Nancy?
Our sons do karate together.
Have you known each other long?
No, we met a few weeks ago.
Hey, can I get a muffin?
What are your intentions with Nancy?
I intent to have a coffee with her.
And a muffin.
She's a remarkable woman.
Strong yet feminine.
Brave and bold with beautiful skin.
Yes... lovely.
Lovely skin.
How's the Bananana?
Do you love her?
Peter, I'm so sorry. I'm late.
So you do know this guy?
Yes, I do, Sanjay. Thank you.
He says he wants a muffin.
Get him a muffin.
Really? Are you sure that's what you want me to do?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Would you leave us alone for a second?
Toast it, please.
Fine but I'll be close by if you need me.
Okay.
He's uh...
very protective of you.
- Puppy love. - Smart puppy.
Listen, Peter.
I hate sentences that start with "listen".
They never finish with "you just won a million dollars"
or "I need to rip your clothes off within the next 5 minutes".
I actually have to leave in the next 5 minutes.
I have some things I have to deal with. It's Silas.
See.
Maybe our timing is just...
bad.
Maybe just having a busy day, so you can't
have coffee with me right now. It's okay.
I'm gonna be alone this weekend.
Tim will stay with his mother.
My life is not gonna get any less complicated anytime soon.
I'm trying here, Nancy. I'm really trying.
I know you are and I really appreciate it. I just...
Maybe another time in my life...
421, McKuan Lane.
I'm not promising anything.
I'm not asking you to.
Muffin.
To go.
Great.
Okay...
you cannot become a lesbian
just because you don't wanna lose weight.
The only girl that you should be seeing
is Jenny Craig.
What?
I know. I know. You see people like Rosie O'Donnell
and you think "hey! she can find love!"
but that is not where lesbianism is going, Isabel.
Look at The L Word.
I love Peggy.
And she loves me.
She's a little asian girl. They look like boys already.
You might as well go for the real deal.
Hey! I have boobs!
Those are not boobs.
Call your grandparents and tell them to come and pick you up, please.
- I knew it wouldn't last. - What?
The new and improved you.
You're feeling better, aren't you?
You're not gonna die.
No.
I'm going to live for a long, long time.
Doctors say I'm doing really, really well.
You know, maybe you should doublecheck just to be sure.
I mean, there's still some chance you'll die, right?
Why would you say that?
'Cause when you think you're gonna die,
you're a much better person.
She says I can't play with her daughter anymore
because she hates immigrants
and thinks we should get out of her neighborhood.
They're on their way.
Here.
Cut off my toe.
What?
- Is this for real? - Yes, just do it!
Are you out of you mind? That's my toe!
You asked me.
Okay, I'm not thinking clearly. It's obvious what I have to do,
I have to move to Vermont
and get a boyfriend and marry him.
Look who's awake.
How are you feeling?
Like crap.
Remember it fondly 'cause it's
all downhill from here.
- We were just screwing around. - You took ecstasy.
That shit is like taking ice scream scoops out of your brain.
Original.
I may have been fucked up but
I heard officer Friendly too.
You think you're cute? I swear to God, Silas,
if I have to lock you in your room until you get some sense, I will.
You don't fuck around with drugs.
This... from you?
You're the biggest hypocrit on Earth.
I don't take drugs. When have you ever seen me take drugs?
Maybe not take them but...
sure do sell 'em.
I live here too, mom.
Or have you not noticed because you've been so busy with your business?
I'm not an idiot.
Listen...
I'm not a drug addict.
Yeah, I like to do a little weed and trying E for the first time.
Rolling was fun. Totally, totally fun.
I'm not running out of the door to score more.
Look, I don't blame you for you doing what you need to do. I guess.
Let's just stay out of each other's way.
You're 16. I'm your mother. No.
No?
I'm not giving you carte blanche at 16
to do whatever the hell you want because I made a
- questionable decision. - What choice do you have?
I have the choice to kick you out of this house.
Oh you wanna explain that to Shane?
No, of course not.
He's been through enough. We all have.
Let's just be peaceful, okay?
Just do our thing.
I'm going to Megan's.
What the hell are you doing?
Practicing to be dead in case I gotta go to Iraq.
There's very little water in Iraq.
Then I'll float in a pool of blood
or oil. Whatever they got, I'm ready to float.
I'm sinking.
What are you talking about?
Silas just informed me
that I have no parental rights because I'm a drug dealer.
How the fuck did he find out?
How the fuck do you think he wouldn't, Weedy Mac Weedweed?
I don't have to apologize for being a weed dealer.
It's a choice I made.
I happen to be very good at it.
Providing for my family.
I'm not sorry.
Well, you don't have to be sorry. He's not mad at you for selling drugs.
He's mad at you for lying to him.
So he hit his brother and he took ecstasy?
Ecstasy is a whole lot of fun.
I don't wanna choose between my business and my family.
You don't have to.
You gotta be honest with your family
about your business.
Tell Shane?
Unless you want a repeat performance.
Yo!
So you're talking to me now?
What's that?
Going away present? I don't want it.
Oh I think you do.
Let me tell you a little bit about my baby right there.
60 days to harvest, 10 days to cure, hydro.
From seeds outdoor, you're looking at 85 to a 105
plus cure days and germination harvest.
We can even shorten that cycle with forced flower enlighten cycles,
tying down and splitting.
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I'm saying front me some money for place and equipment.
And we'll be selling our own shit inside of 3 months.
And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
Better go make nice with Heylia.
Pretend that nothing is going on.
No offense...
get rid of this fucking bakery.
Take the cash and let us start a business.
You do that to Heylia, she'll never speak to you again.
Well, fuck Heylia.
I heard everything she had to say.
What you wanna do?
I wanna hear more.
Peggy?
Isabel, this is Grissom.
Can you hold on just one second?
What are you doing?
I'm doing what we practiced and I think it's working.
He really likes me.
- You look really hot! - I do?
Yeah, you're really sweaty.
Shalom, Nancy. Are you having a party without me?
I don't even wanna know.
Just... go.
But I am not going anywhere.
In the Mishna and the US military code,
it is written fulltime students working toward becoming ordained ministers
in a recognized religion are differed from military service.
In other words, once you go rabbi,
you never go bye-bye.
Mazel tov, Andy!
So uh... what's going on? You can confide in me now.
I'm switching around some things. Business.
You're gonna let me play?
Under strict supervision.
Hey!
Okay...
Distribution...
meet finance...
sales...
legal...
Yentl.
So we're gonna open the vine or just watch it age?
- Corkscrew? - No, just a minute.
So who's gonna be our muscle?
I would do it but
I've got bursitis.
Don't look at me, I went to law school.
Fine, I'll be the muscle.
Back off, man!
I'm pitching tomorrow.
You go, girl!
Hi, sweety.
What's going on?
What?
Nothing.
I heard you and Silas fighting.
We were angry. We'll be okay.
- Are you sure? - Of course, honey.
What's going on outside?
I was lonely.
So I invited some friends over.
Shane...
look at me.
Everything is gonna be okay.
All right?
I love you.
Yeah.
Me too.
Whose little boy are you?
Are you grandma's little boy?
Are you grandma's baby?
Yes, you are.
Okay, maybe you were right.
I fucking told you.
Where the hell is your cousin?
His ass should be here?
Where that boy?
Where is that Conrad?
We gonna get him. We gonna get him.
Hi.
Did your life get less complicated?
No.
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