Previously on Weeds.
I want a raise.
Alejandro is full of shit.
Because he can't sell his weed no more.
'Cause your Mrs. is doing it.
Shane shot a mountain lion, he wrote a gangsta rap,
now he's making terrorists videos.
I have cancer and jungle fever
and tonight one of them is going to get cured.
You have a husband!
You got a man?
He died of a heart attack.
Crap!
Who would do this?
Pennies?
Somebody mad at you, girl.
He's got a karate tournament.
Good morning, I'm Andrew Botwin.
On behalf on myself and my absent father
who's at the final table of the Foxworth 2005
pot-limit hold 'em classic...
Good luck, dad.
Judah was what the world would call
a man.
Jesus!
A man who...
did things.
He was an engineer,
a husband,
a father.
I'm not any of those things.
He was my brother and he's buried next to my mom, my uncle Sully.
Two away from Walter Matthau.
And well,
one day, I'll be buried here too.
And some time after that,
not very long actually,
I'll be completely forgotten.
I'm next.
Fabulous!
So what are you doing today?
Straightening up around the house.
Where's Blanca?
Saturday, Dean.
What about you?
Golf.
Where's Isabel?
Camping with her friend Peggy.
- Is that right? - Hmm-hmm.
I fucked a black man.
This house still reeks of Judah.
All you gotta do is touch the wall and you can feel it.
It's bringing me down, Doug.
Well, if it means anything, you really got me with your speech.
Sometimes God's words are inside me.
You wanna smoke out?
Is the Pope polish?
- German. - Right.
Make yourself at home.
Hey, Lupita. Order some pizzas from Mitch's.
Do I look like his fucking maid?
Pepperoni.
Stress queens, secret stash.
She keeps her pot with her tampons?
The box where men fear to trend.
You got that right.
What the...
What's the matter?
What the fuck!
Rodents.
Still don't understand why I can't stay at home.
I don't want you home alone.
I wouldn't be home alone. Lupita's there. Uncle Andy's there.
Megan's there!
Quit it!
You're up, Shane!
Is that who Shane is fighting?
Yes.
He's a lot bigger than me.
That means you'll be quicker.
I'm not so sure about that.
He's a yellow belt just like you.
Now get out there and be Agrestic!
Yes, go! Kill!
F ight!
So... unbelievably sorry.
Shane has never done anything like this in his life.
We had a 3-hour drive here.
I forgot to pack crackers, he has low blood sugar.
We just came from his father's unveiling.
Do you know what that is?
An unveiling... it's a...
it's where they unveil the...
gravestone.
It's a Jewish thing.
I know, you think "she doesn't look Jewish".
I come from Walestock actually.
Lots of coalminers in Wales.
Not a lot of Jews.
I'm not Jewish, my husband is huh...
dead now.
He was Jewish.
Here's my number.
If I have to pay for it, I would be thrilled to pay for it
'cause I feel just awful about this.
Will you please say something?
It's not my kid.
Just kidding. I'm Peter.
Isn't that the way it works around here?
Fuck somebody else, get a haircut!
Don't worry, the chimo will do the job soon enough, darling.
No! No, I'm sorry but no.
Chimo is not gonna be another excuse
for you to act like a selfish fucking bitch.
Selfish?
This from Ellen Chin's personal racket swallower?
And I am sorry but no, you may not use Ellen Chin either.
I have paid for Ellen Chin.
Wow! Look who's finally grown a sack!
Did you hear that?
- No! - Lupita!
- No. - Must be lonely inside here.
In the wall?
Yeah, it's gotta be dark in there.
Deep space.
Friendless like an empty train tunnel.
Rats don't need light. I think they got radar.
Man, I use to love trains.
I always wanted to be the train conductor with the little hat and all.
But somewhere...
I don't know where...
I got derailed and end up a bean counter.
With no hat.
No hat.
Do you think there's rat's spit in here?
Like plague rat's spit? Are we smoking plague?
As soon as we lit it up, it was safe, sterilized.
His name was Conrad.
I am not interested in names.
What I am interested in, wife of mine,
is why you gave away all your clothes and half of our furniture!
But I could give a swollen rat's ass what that guy's fucking name is.
Good! Get it all out!
We should have had this conversation months ago.
- Years ago! - 14 years.
We've been married for 16.
Yes, but I liked the first two.
That's before you grew a gut, turned into a robot
and bought this ridiculous house.
We got a super deal on this house.
You have got to be kidding me.
What?
- Look around! - What?
Lupita, get back at the wall!
- No! - Why not?
Because you say Mr. Judah stay in the wall.
- No, I did not. - Yes, you did.
That's a metaphor.
Hey! Wonder if rats like peanut butter.
In Santa de Poluca, we had a ghost,
senor Flores.
And he stayed in the telephone lines.
There are cross lines. You were listening to other people talking.
No, no, no, we could hear him whisper
and all the time he said...
"Where are my pants?"
Why did he say that?
Because he died without his pants.
I'm going to die without my hat.
Andy.
Andy! He's coming towards you!
Ow! Mother of God! Damn it!
- Look up. - What?
- Look up. - Fine! So what?
There's no roof.
It's an atrium, it's supposed to bring in light.
When it's raining, Dean,
and I'm in the bedroom and I want a cup of tea,
I have to put on rubber boots so my sleepers don't get wet
on the way to the kitchen.
When the Santa Annas come over the hill in the afternoon
and our neighbors are all outside
feeling the wind in their hair,
do you know what I do?
I open the dining room door.
I open the living room door.
I then open the bathroom praying that my husband isn't sitting there
taking one of this monstrous shits.
I do this so that the air conditioning
can fake the sensation of flowing oxygen
into our stuffy, claustrophobic open air atrium,
a room where plants come to die.
This is the dumbest fucking room ever built.
Isn't it nice
of Tim and Peter to invite us out considering everything?
Shane!
Silas!
- Great. - Sure.
So, Silas, is that one of those sidekick pagers?
Hmm-hmm.
Silas has a hottie back home.
This guy totally want to bone my mom.
Remarkable machines. Little 0s and 1s vibrating through the air
beamed back and forth by satellite. An age of wonder...
Done so much for the lost art of dinner conversation, hasn't it Silas?
Yeah.
Okay, Tim, what grade are you in?
- I'm in fourth grade. - The same as Shane.
You look a little big for fourth grade. Were you held back?
Ow!
Is the white lady home?
Did you see her big car in the driveway?
- No. - Well then no.
Lupita, right?
Yes.
You're Serena's friend.
And you're the dealer. The shithead.
I love a woman with a mouth.
I want you to use it to give your lady friend a message.
You tell her the business that she's in
is the business that she needs to get out of.
You tell her Agrestics are one motero down.
You tell her that all real nice.
And you give her this.
Pennies?
Oh my God! Finally!
You're the pizza guy?
Do I look like a fucking pizza guy?
Is he getting the pizza?
Nancy, what do you do for a living?
Peter, what do you say
in keeping with this strange spirit, let's just say that we don't
ask each other the usual
standard questions.
Ah. Okay.
Sounds like fun.
Stamps!
Licking kind or self-adhesive?
Self-adhesive, I love self-adhesive.
- Favorite body water - Mono Lake.
- Yours? - My bathtub.
- Favorite fight song? - University of Michigan.
My father went to University of Michigan.
How does that go again?
We were at my dad's grave today.
Oh...
Well, that's uh...
- Are you married? - No.
- How come? - Shane!
It's a long story.
- Are you a fag? - Shane!
Ow! It was just a question. Don't kick me again.
Apologize right now.
Sorry.
That's okay. I think Shane is just having a little fun.
Shane's on fire today, aren't you?
Sounds like he had a rough morning.
You're very understanding!
Thank you, Peter.
- How old are you? - Tim!
Not polite to ask a woman's age.
- Is that your real nose? - Tim!
So, why aren't you married again?
Shane!
She was cheating on me, okay? It broke my heart.
Ripped a hole in me from which you could see tiny angels weeping.
Eat your pasta.
All right.
Son of a bitch!
It's a nice motel.
We stayed here last year.
We?
Tim and I.
My son. Your son ate his foot.
Jesus! I'm sorry about that.
That was so fucked up.
Shane seems like a good kid.
- He really adores you. - You think so?
That's nice to hear.
Jesus! I'm sorry. I'm having a day.
- You wanna talk about it? - It's not safe at home.
What?
Nothing, I'm sorry.
Someone threw pennies at my car.
Nicked up the paintjob.
Yikes!
Yikes?
Who says yikes?
I guess I do.
And then that fucking rabbi this morning
who looked at us like we weren't Jewish enough, that pissed me off so much.
And you know what, Peter?
Maybe, we're not Jewish enough.
But I'm not Jewish. Judah was fine with that.
You're cute.
Okay, that was stupid.
That was bad!
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
No, no, no, not okay.
You might be like a great guy but I'm in no way ready for this.
I'll see you later.
With the black guy...
was it good?
Very.
Dios mio!
We're back!
Lupita, who's the guy outside in the crappy car?
What the fuck!
You said fuck!
I was in my room all night.
Move it.
Doug!
Nancy...
Hey!
Where's Andy?
Andy!
- Hi! - Jesus! Put... Put your...
What?
- What did you... - Your johnson.
Oh!
Thanks.
Hey, how did we do at the tournament?
I brought shame to my elders.
That happens sometimes.
Mrs. Nancy, I have to talk to you.
Not now, Lupita. Doug!
Doug!
Here! Doug's here.
Doug, you will drive yourself home.
- Ahhh... - Ahhh is not a word, Doug.
Now is a word. You will go home to your wife
and you and I will never discuss why there's peanut butter
all over my house.
Shane!
Stop eating off the floor, go to your room, you're grounded.
There was a rat in your tampon box.
You know, Dany uses Flow Stop too.
Now, Doug!
Ow!
Why is it always hitting with you?
Only 4 hours, not even one day.
- Mrs. Nancy. - Not now, Lupita.
- Good night, Andy! - I love you, man!
I love him.
Awesome!
- Mrs. Nancy! - What is it, Lupita?
This!
Where did you get that?
From the man outside in the car.
Silas, go to your room.
- Why? What did I do? - Go!
I'm going out. When I come back,
this place better be fucking spotless.
The broken glass, the peanut butter, the dead rat, all of it.
Andy, you better be somewhere where I can't see you.
Lupita, if I'm not back in 45 minutes, call...
- Call who? - I'll be back.
Stay the fuck away from my house!
Someone's very, very upset. Hello, pretty housewife!
Hey, watch it! You're gonna bring down the Blue Book value.
It's a $1000 paintjob you fucked up.
Don't worry about it. We'll just take it out of the money you owe me.
- I don't owe you shit! - I think you do, Nancy.
You sling into my territory, you owe me rent.
Alejandro, isn't it?
Hmmm, she knows my name, my heart is racing.
Delivers late.
Doesn't answer calls.
Says it's shit from Humbolt when really it's Yancton.
Your customers had such nice things to say about you.
Sling into Agrestic, slinging up in Valley State,
slinging in the office park of Warner Center.
The fuck you think you are? Al Pacino?
Know your place, lady white.
I'm not going anywhere.
Then we got a problem.
I guess we do.
What do you wanna do about it?
A black guy.
Conrad.
Is that his name?
Yeah.
Was he bigger than me?
Nope.
That's a fucking BB gun.
My nephew had the same one.
Don't point that there!
This dick does nice work.
I'd hate to see it full of holes.
- That's not funny. - It's nothing personal
'cause this was unexpected but it's never gonna happen again.
- Okay, Manolo? - Manolo?
You stay away from my family.
You stay away from my house.
You quit with the fucking pennies.
Okay?
Shit!
Fuck.
What the fuck are you doing!
Yes?
Hey, hmmm...
It's Peter.
Is this a bad time?
Where are you?
I'm in my car at the punishment light.
Punishment light?
It's this street and it's a light
and if you don't make it, you sit forever.
Ah...
It makes absolutely no sense.
There's no cars. No one's trying to cross.
It's just put there to make you fucking miserable.
Right. So then I'll make this quick.
I've been thinking about you.
And I know you're not in a place right now.
I'm probably not either.
But I liked meeting you and I would really like to see you again.
Maybe even without the hostile offspring.
Look...
that's...
lovely.
And you know...
I'm... not...
I'm not ready to get...
intimate... just yet.
I get that. I completely get that.
I just wanted you to know when, if ever, you're ready,
I'll be here.
- Okay, Peter. - Great.
And thanks for...
understanding.
Absolutely.
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