Previously on Weeds...
- Uncle Andy! - Hey!
How long are you planning on staying?
Just till I figure some things out.
Like?
My life.
Just IMing my girlfriend. She's deaf.
This girl sounds like a keeper, Silas.
Don't mess it up.
You know I read somewhere that
killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior.
Leave your car.
How am I gonna get home?
Take Conrad's bucket.
White lady in the hooptie?
You gotta let me get a picture.
It's a classic car.
I went at my old friend Conrad's
and imagine my surprise when I was handed a giant bag of weed for you.
I have cancer.
Shiiiit!
My name is Shane.
I bring the pain up from the streets of Agrestic.
Bitch! You don't wanna sweat this.
I'll cap any motherfucker.
You don't wanna test this.
- Bee... - Be-atch!
I've got rage in me.
This is my way of venting.
Well, you made a lot of people in the school very nervous.
Yeah, that's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys!
I hate to break it to you but
you're also a bitch ass white boy.
Whatever.
I don't care.
I think you do care a great deal.
Yeah?
About what?
You want approval from your peer group
and when you don't get it,
when they call you weirdo
or strange Botwin,
then you wanna lash out.
In this case, through your rap.
Yeah.
That's it.
I just wanna fit in.
Can I go now?
Shane, you're here because there's some concern
that you might act on these emotions.
I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
How do I know that?
'cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
You may go.
These walls were just wallpapered.
The paper looks old.
Yeah, well, that was the look we were going for.
With all due respect, sir,
this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages
fell from a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.
You're kidding?
Is this a bad time?
No, it's just her faith healer.
Well, okay then. Look at this bed!
I mean, it's an antique, a family heirloom.
My children were conceived on this bed.
It's got a lot of history.
Could I trouble you for a drink?
Yeah.
Stand up.
Wow!
Hey Nanc'!
This is Herma, the faith healer.
She's sniffing me
to see if my cancer has spread.
Hi!
Would you like me to smell you next?
No, thank you, I was smelled yesterday.
That was not my idea. The PTA ladies sent her over.
Personally I would have preferred one of those cookies
on a stick.
Perhaps you are not ready.
I should leave.
Well, namasté.
This place is a wreck.
Yeah.
You see what consumer culture has done to me?
How are you holding up?
Better than my ceiling.
I was toying with a Snapple motif
but God said Coke!
Ms. Celia, I come for dry-clean.
I really don't feel like sorting through those clothes.
You know what Blanca?
You take it.
Okay, I go to dry-clean.
No, no, I want you to take all the clothes.
Go ahead! Take them. Rapido!
I cannot take.
You must know somebody in my size!
Aren't there like 18 people living in your house?
Coming up next in the Raw Skin channel:
The Incredahoes.
Incredahoes!
Fuck!
Hey, Doug!
Hey, Randy!
Andy. It's Andy.
Oh really? I thought...
It's not Randy?
Oh.
I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Pretty sure.
Wow! Okay.
Looking for Nancy?
Yeah, I am. Is she around?
Nope.
You could try her cell phone.
Oh no, no, no. She needs to sign some stuff, papers and things, you know.
Do you...
You're watching Incredahoes?
Yeah.
That's good.
I started it 7 or 8 times. I've never seen the whole thing.
That's a strong endorsement.
Yeah. Oh...
I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would you?
It'd be kinda weird.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well, enjoy.
Orgasmagirl is a squirter.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Spoiler!
Alright. Sorry.
You know I got about an eighth of romulan on me.
- Come in! - Alright.
What happened to you last night?
What do you mean? I was with Megan.
When are you gonna get over that?
Excuse me?
Come on, man, you're in your prime.
You really wanna tie yourself down to the deaf girl?
She's actually pretty cool.
Did you fuck her yet?
Come on, man!
Think about it!
You're always gonna have to read television.
If you've passed out drunk and your house catches on fire,
she's not gonna hear the smoke alarm.
And you're both gonna die.
Last night, while you weren't fucking deaf girl,
you missed Tiffany's party.
Jessica, Lauren, Chelsea!
They were all there.
Hot, ready, they can hear.
And one of them is into you.
Which one?
Chelsea.
You're such a liar.
No, man, I'm serious. You need to dump the damaged goods
and see what's up with Chelsea.
Oh my God! I forgot about these!
These baby clothes are new.
- Were you...? - I had a miscarriage.
- Last year. - Oh... I'm sorry.
Don't be.
With my track record, it was a blessing. Trust me.
Blanca, do you need baby clothes?
I know someone who could use them.
Mrs. Celia, give clothes to me you don't need.
No, I know someone who needs them.
Please, let go!
Blanca, let her have them.
Don't worry, I have something better for you.
This?
Oh my God!
I haven't seen these since high school.
Oh God, I used to be so hot!
My feathered hair,
satin hot pants on,
high on 'ludes, quid of the roller disco.
I could fuck against a wall with my skates on,
no easy feet.
I could come in a heartbeat.
Then you keep?
Oh yeah, I keep.
So, Blanca,
How are you set for furniture?
Runway?
You know, that little piece of skin between your asshole and your balls.
Or asshole and vagina.
That's called the runway.
That's called the taint. Taint ass. Taint equipment.
What the hell does that mean?
No, I think runway is much more of a visual description.
This is a taint!
Runway!
This is a taint!
Runway!
Hey, Lupita!
Settle an argument for us.
What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
The coffee table.
I'm telling you, they could have been killed.
When bottles fall from the sky like that, it's like
little torpedoes.
And they were everywhere.
Coke in the carpet. They were stuck in the walls.
Furniture was destroyed. It was a mess!
Ah please! That white girl will make out like Halliburton.
How much you want for this stuff?
No, nothing. She was giving it away anyway so...
What? Like I'm some charity case that needs your free white lady hand-me-downs.
No! I thought...
You ain't got no problem going down at the church and getting free cheese and shit.
Heylia makes me go down there.
First of all, I don't make you do shit, little girl.
And second of all, I ain't shame.
If it's free, it's me.
And I don't turn down nothing but my color.
And girl, don't act like you don't like free cheese
just 'cause this white child's standing there.
Fuck her!
Yeah... fuck me!
I mean, I'll take them since you brought them.
This for you, Snowflake.
This my special blend I call it "Let's hear Clark Kent".
Just sniff this way, you'll see.
This thing good, huh?
You smoke this shit and you wanna just
rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime.
I'm serious. Take that.
Let's get the brother's keys. You could roll.
Whoo! It's a big day!
Bobby getting her dream car back.
I added a little twist to it for you, I think you're gonna like it too.
- Alright? - Okay.
Conrad, I just wanted to talk to you about one thing.
This morning, I was in the garage.
Okay, just...
- What the fuck happened to my car? - No, no, no, no.
A trunk fell on the hood.
A trunk? A trunk fell on my baby?
...that, it would be fine.
Oh really? So you gonna do it?
No, but you're gonna pay for it?
- I'm gonna pay for it. - I know you're gonna pay for it.
Of course, I'm gonna pay for it. I just said I was gonna pay for it.
Baby, I heard what you said.
Hey!
Stop all that damn arguing!
This is a house of peace.
Everybody, alright?
Yeah.
I'm cool.
Snowflake?
She's in shock. Slap her!
I ain't slapping no white woman.
Move! I'll do it.
I'm okay.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Alright, let's clean this shit up.
Somebody doesn't call the police?
Baby, that probably was the police.
I'm gonna go.
So wait, I need my keys.
I need my keys.
We got unsettled business. You haven't even talked to me about my car yet.
How you're gonna get your keys back?
Boy!
The girl just had her shooting cherry broke.
Give her the keys.
We still gotta talk though.
Yeah, okay.
Shit...
White folks get soda pop, niggers get bullets.
Hey!
Doug left these papers for the bakery.
He says when you sign on the line, it is all ours.
Ours?
Yes! I cook, you sell.
Come on, Nanc'! I don't mind you being out there in front.
I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe!
Team Botwin.
Please, leave.
I will just as soon as you sign these papers.
There's no water in this tub!
I can't do this right now.
You have to!
Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there.
And this town does not need
more ginkgo biloba.
It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign!
Andy, today it was brought to my attention
that the downside of this business is death.
So, right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery.
I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygiene school
so my children aren't orphans.
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Now I pledge never to die.
We're gonna have to get a longer lease.
Andy, this is my business. This has nothing to do with you.
Go downstairs. Do what you do best:
control the cash in your underwear.
Look,
this is different.
This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.
Since you started the business, I will settle for only 40%.
That is so fair! God! I can feel it in my body.
I can feel it in my bones! Feel my hands! They're vibrating!
Feel 'em in the living room. I said now!
Why?
Andy, if you wanna sell drugs,
do it on your own.
Get your own bakery.
Find you own customers.
Get the fuck out of my bathroom!
Yeah, fine.
Fine.
Megan89: Meet me at the library. I want to show you something.
Silbot: Can't.
Megan89: Why?
Silbot: I can't be tied down.
Silbot: I need space.
Megan89: Fuck you.
I love the fact that everyone put her best foot or food
forward in making our bake sales the greatest ever.
Oh my God! Look at Celia.
What's she wearing?
Look who's here everyone! It's Celia!
Down, Maggie. I have cancer, I'm not retarded.
Of course.
Would you like to take your place at the podium?
No, please. Keep going.
PTA needs your enthusiasm.
Foxy Lady?
I was!
I was Hot Stuff, red satin.
I was Big Fun, green polyester.
Celia!
You can't smoke in here.
Because?
Second-hand smoke kills.
Celia, did you bring your muffins?
I didn't fell like baking.
None of us ever feels like baking.
I love baking!
Except Pam.
But we do it anyway for the sake of our children.
Oh give me a break!
You're raising money for a swim team.
How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
$18,95.
I'll tell you what...
Keep the change.
So, we really not getting the muffin, are we?
I have in my hands
the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on Earth.
See you, ladies.
Down, Pammy. Down.
Hi, Silas!
- Hey, Chelsea! - Hey!
So I heard you were asking for me at Tiffany's last night.
Really?
I don't remember that.
Someone said you were bringing more beers so I was all "Where's Silas? Where's Silas?
Where is the beer?"
What happened? Did you get carded or something?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, I got carded.
Bummer.
Yeah.
Here comes trouble.
Hey, family!
You ain't no family of mine. State your business.
What? Does a guy need a reason to visit his friends?
Man, you really got to cut that shit out
because you're making me sick now.
What's up?
Well, I decided to go on a business for myself.
Have you now? Is there a big market for horseshit these days?
No, I'm gonna sell marijuana.
I was wondering if you might know where I could procure some, would you?
Where you planning to unload this marijuana that you speak of.
Why, in the wide-open community of Agrestic, California.
There's not enough pot in the world
to get those people stoned enough to forget where they live so...
Figure I have a pretty good shot.
Okay, so you're gonna mess with your sister-in-law shit?
Damn! That's cold!
I feel there's enough room for both of us.
Yeah but see Nancy been working really hard to lock that area down and...
And that's her problem.
Not yours.
You got cash?
Get the boy an ounce.
I love you, mommy.
Oh! You gotta be kidding me!
Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign, right?
Nice bike! Did your horse die?
Sir...
You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads, man.
Can I see your driver's license and registration, please?
When you arrest people, do you ride them in on your handlebars
or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
Alright, step out of the car.
Come on! Seriously, I was just having fun!
I mean, you're a cop in bike shorts!
It's adorable!
I have a gun.
Cool. I'm cool.
What's that smell?
Come on, man, just give me my ticket so I can go, okay please?
Alright, turn around. Put your arms behind your head.
Alright, come on.
You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.
Can I be home-schooled?
Honey, if I had my way
none of us would ever leave the house
but that's not healthy so no. Why?
I got sent to the school shrink.
They'll probably be calling in.
Oh not again! Why this time?
I wrote a gangsta rap about killing Devon Ransler with my gat.
You did what?
He's got the whole school calling me "Strange Botwin".
It was just a joke.
You think that's a joke?
This isn't a joke!
Bullets whizzing by his head. Scared shitless!
Death is not a joke!
- I just thought... - You should know that.
Is Andy for you.
I can't talk to him right now. What else did you say?
She no here.
- Tell me what else it said! - It's nothing!
Okay, I'll give her message.
What?
He said he in jail.
Shane!
Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for God's sake!
'Cause you're stupid.
So Mrs. Greenstein, what happens now?
Incarceration...
in a medium security prison for a period no longer than 10 years.
10 years!
Joke!
Loosen up everybody! There's nothing to worry about.
You're looking at a fine and...
probably an anti-drug class.
So no jail time?
You probably never sat through an anti-drug class.
You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
Oh that's bullshit!
I don't understand. That's good news.
I paid for a full ounce. They fucking cheated me!
They fucking saved your ass from going to jail!
Still, that's very uncool.
There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer.
I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with renewed sense of outrage.
So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
And that's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
What if the marijuana is in baked goods, say candy or chocolate?
If you can eat it, you can beat it!
What would get their attention?
If I sued them! Can I sue them?
You were saying?
Alright, you ask for it, you get it.
The lay of the land.
Marijuana currently exists in a legal gray area.
It's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew,
but it's illegal to buy it.
What about growing?
Ah botany!
As long as it's not broken down in a non-specifically way,
we're talking a slap on a wrist, 3 to 5.
- Years? - Probation.
I'm hungry.
So you can grow it but you can't break it down.
Not unless you wanna go to jail.
Or flee to Mexico.
Or Canada.
Canada... rocks!
Primo weed, really good Chinese food!
Do you have a card? 'Cause you never know on my business when...
you might need a lawyer.
What's your business?
I own a bakery.
Smart cover.
Call anytime.
Hey! I was fucking around today, alright?
I didn't mean it.
Okay, look, I made a mistake.
I don't want Chelsea, I don't want any other girl. I want you.
Is your mom home?
Not yet. She went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.
Well, tell her I stopped by.
Okay. I like you jacket.
Thank you, Shane.
Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
I really don't care what they think.
Good for you!
Let your freak flag fly!
- Really? - Really.
I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks.
And I gotta tell you...
I feel great.
But you have cancer.
And you have a dead father.
Both of us make people really uncomfortable but there's no way around it.
So either we can feel self-conscious and pretend that everything is normal
or we can just be our strange self.
Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
For what?
For telling me the truth.
You're welcome.
It's a bitch though, ain't it?
I'm really gonna miss my babies.
We've had some good times together.
After reconstructive surgery, you're gonna feel as good as new.
Better, you're gonna have the tits of a 19 year old girl.
I was thinking of going bigger.
Bigger?
Really big, like freak show big.
47 triple Fs.
So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.
I think you've had one too many.
Do you like me?
Really?
Yeah.
Mostly.
Thank you.
Gotta go pee.
Oh. Sorry, Mrs. Hodes, I didn't realize anyone was in here.
Can I ask your opinion about something?
Sure.
What do you think about these?
Celia, what do you...
Celia, what are you doing?
I just wanted to show my breast to someone who would appreciate them.
I don't give a flying fuck
if you do have cancer,
put your tits away in front of my kid.
Sorry.
I took a 'lude.
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