Previously on Weeds.
I've been giving some thoughts to my cover business.
What do you think about a bakery?
These will satisfy your munchies
and give you a long lasting, all body high.
I'm ready to take orders.
Fuck it! I'll take it all.
Last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my Rover.
You're still short for all the shit you're gonna wanna take this week.
I'll be back.
I don't like dealing with things.
I much prefer to pretend they don't exist.
Megan!
Hey, Megan!
Megan! Can you hear me?
That deaf girl down on Dewey Street.
Fire! Fire!
Mom, what are you doing? There's a fire!
If there's a fire, I'll run. Okay?
Otherwise I'm gonna bash in the smoke alarm with the broom handle.
Andy?
Sorry, Pants, I was trying to surprise you guys.
Uncle Andy!
Hey!
Yes, I'm digging the love!
I missed you!
So how was Alaska?
Alaska was so beautiful.
In the summer, you can party all night.
Then it got dark and I met this psycho girl who tried to bring me up on charges.
How did you get in here?
I'll swear I'll pay for the window.
I didn't wanna wake you.
I'm joking! I'm joking! I'm joking!
You guys wanna help me make breakfast?
Silas, I need you squeezing the oranges.
Shane, I need you making the coffee.
Sorry about the grease fire.
That bacon really spits up.
Shane, go get a broom so I can bash your uncle Andy with it.
Come on, Nancy Pantsy! I'm making eggs Florentine.
Don't call me Pants.
Pantalones?
Oh shit, you?
Hey, Lupita!
I know you missed me. How about a hug?
I'm no cleaning up his mess.
Uncle Andy, did you bring us anything?
Of course!
Look who you're talking to.
Go get my duffle in the guest room, the black one.
Not the green, okay? Stay out of the green.
Guest room? Guest room?
I guess I could sleep with Lupita.
I do love the fiery latinas.
Know this, Lupita,
until you learn to love me,
I've got enough love for both of us.
How did you and Judah emerge from the same woman?
I know.
What family gets blessed with not one but two studs?
Okay, everybody gather.
First,
young Silas,
that is for you.
Awesome.
So, does it work?
Yeah, for about another 3 weeks,
then you're gonna wanna scratch off the serial number and get a new service plan.
Okay, for mamma,
What's that?
For your neck, right?
You're always talking about how your neck hurts.
- Andy, this is... - Take it.
For my neck, of course.
Thank you. Lupita.
I'll put it in your bedroom, next to the little one.
What about me?
Oh... I don't...
Oh!
Best for last!
No way!
No! No way !
Come on, I'll teach him how to use it.
Shane Li, hand it over.
Andy!
I'll hold on to those 'till we're in a better space.
Who's hungry?
Everybody, go sit down!
Andy...
how long are you planning on staying?
Don't worry, I'll help out.
How long?
Just 'till I figure some things out.
Like?
I don't know.
My life.
Sure.
That.
Good to see you, Pants.
It's good to be a family.
Come on, let's eat!
Hey, buddy! What are you doing?
Just IMing my girlfriend.
You don't need a credit card for that, do you?
No.
Real girlfriend. Megan. She's deaf.
Deaf Megan. She cute?
Yeah, she's totally cute.
Yeah.
She doesn't look deaf.
She can't hear anything?
That's what deaf means.
Man, how did you get so smart at what? 16?
Took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go.
I once went out with this chick with a baby arm:
insane in the sack.
Plus, when she grabbed my dick with her little hand, it looked gigantic.
So how you talk to her?
We just mostly hang out and stuff.
You should learn Braille.
You mean sign language?
Whatever.
What's this?
That�s mine.
Chris died for your sins!
Is that a joke?
Yeah, on me.
That's what happens when you outsource to fucking Malaysia.
8-year-olds in a sweatshop can't spell for shit.
See, I was trying to jump on board the whole red state Jesus thing.
The Fashion of the Christ.
I end up with 3000 of these.
Totally useless.
Because if there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd,
absolutely no sense of humor.
Should have gone after the jew market.
At least we can take a joke.
Come on, Shane.
Look who's here.
Baby, it's "the early bird gets the worm".
Not the weed.
Need to read up on your Bartlett's.
My brother-in-law took the kids to school.
I thought I'd get a jump on the day.
Want some oatmeal?
No, Andy made eggs Florentine.
Andy?
When that fancy cooking trouble get back in town?
This morning.
I woke up and there he was.
Sort of like crotch crabs, only not as treatable, huh?
I forgot you know him.
I've been hoping to forget him.
How did Andy and Conrad meet?
I never got a straight answer out of either of them.
They worked at circuit city together.
Got caught stealing together.
Got fired together.
They go way back.
Never should've let that boy work retail.
You're gonna need to come back later
'cause we ain't got in everything you ordered yet.
I've got 17 food orders to fill.
Listen to Betty Cracker.
You got bunches of that crap last time.
You're out already?
I've got some but not enough for what I need to make.
My crowd loves to eat their smoke.
I could hook you up with a little schwag if you're really crazy.
Oh shit!
I still have the gourmet fuck up in my kitchen.
I'm never gonna get anything done.
Oh fuck!
I'm fucked!
You got a nasty mouth when you stress.
You've got a pen?
I'ma give you a number.
And you say I said it is okay for you to call.
Who am I calling?
The Candyman.
Wear sporty shoes.
Megan89: Are you home?
Yeah.
Me too. Sore throat.
Bummer.
What are you wearing?
Take it off.
Okay.
I tried to spread the word.
I ate here everyday, invited people.
"It's too ethnic!"
"It's too spicy!"
"Those people don't wash their hands!"
What the fuck is wrong with these morons who go to
wait an hour in line in some
fucking crappy Olive Garden
and let a treasure like this go out of business?
I can't take it.
Doug, why are we here?
Did you taste the Saag Alu?
It's to die for.
And then be reincarnated and to die for again.
Why aren't you eating?
I told you I ate already.
Where?
The Olive Garden.
I wouldn't take a dump in the Olive Garden.
I like the hot artichoke spinach dip.
I can't even look at you.
Okay, enough! Enough!
I'm sure the Saag Alu is delicious.
Well, that's incredible.
Tell me this doesn't kick artichoke dip's ass!
Tell me more.
Are your nipples hard? Come on!
Like shooting stars. Now you.
No, more of you. Are you touching yourself?
I'm parting the lips of my blushing vagina.
Yes! Good.
Keep typing!
What do you think about this place as the bakery?
I mean, location is pretty good.
Kitchen's already set up.
If you make something mediocre enough,
You may even make a go at it.
Legitimately.
Let me think about it.
Here you go, Mr. Wilson.
20 orders for you.
Remember to let them cool before you put them in the freezer.
Mr. Bani, where will you go?
We just bought in a Olive Garden franchise close by.
You must come visit.
Fuck Agrestic!
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Pay when you're ready.
When are my treats coming in?
I'm having a little trouble
getting my kitchen to myself lately but
I'll let you know.
Hey, Lupita. I was just thinking about you.
It's for you.
Wipe your hands.
Yeah, this is Andy.
Hey, Shane!
Really?
Awesome!
Yeah, I'll bring the shirts.
Let's say 15 minutes.
Okay...
Make it 20.
Okay.
Get your original "Chris died" t-shirts. Right here! Yeah!
Only 10 dollars! Have your money ready!
Here you go!
It's one size fits all. It's gonna shrink a little bit.
Oh yeah!
Okay, that's for you.
Uncle Andy.
What? What? What? Hang on.
Uncle Andy!
Now remember, kids, Chris loves you.
- Uncle Andy! - What?
It's the principal.
Oh shit, man! We were just heating up.
Excuse me.
Look, kids, Chris has risen.
Wait!
Oh no!
Have you all seen these?
They're all over the school!
And as a christian, I must say
I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.
Has anyone talked to the principal about this?
Who's Chris?
Where's Celia?
I bet she'd have something to say.
It's 10 minutes after, maybe we should start without her.
Does anyone know how?
Well, I think we need to
and I think the first order of business should be these shirts.
They're funny.
Excuse me?
I think you're making way too big a deal about it. It's a joke.
We do not joke about our Lord, Jesus Christ.
It's a stupid t-shirt.
We should ignore it.
Only one man died for my sins, Nancy, and his name wasn't Chris.
Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?
If we make a big deal about it, in a week, it will become a full-blown trend.
They're kids, it will become cool.
Principal Dodge! Have you seen these blasphemes?
Yes, Maggie, I have.
Are you gonna do something about them?
I'm about to.
Mrs. Botwin, would you mind coming into my office
to discuss your son's little t-shirt business?
Shane was selling them?
Yes.
With some guy in a van who sped off.
I'll never talk.
Hey!
What do you like better?
"Jesus say relax"
or "I'm too sexy for my Lord"?
How about "Asshole ditched my 10-year-old".
I admit it. I panicked. That guy had a whistle!
They wanted to suspend him.
For what?
If Shane wants to believe in Chris
and they try to suspend him for it...
Wow! That's freedom of religion!
That's like the first commandment.
We can nail them on that.
I don't think Chris is protected under freedom of religion, Andy.
In fact, the angry christian moms
I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.
Well, that's so intolerant.
I mean, what would Jesus do?
Religious bullshit aside, you don't wanna know
how far I had to crawl up the principal's ass
just to keep you two out of trouble.
Not to mention, the unbelievable amount of shit I'm gonna get from those
hypochristian bitch moms tomorrow.
I was just trying to pitch in,
earn a little money.
I saw an opportunity to help the family and
I took it.
Really?
It was for the family, huh?
Where's the money?
Don't worry, I'll use it towards family expenses.
Hello?
I gotta cover my other expenses.
Yeah, I did call.
Thanks for getting back to me.
Can you hold on a second, please?
Go away, I have to take this call.
Who is it?
None of your business. Get out of here.
Why? You got a boyfriend?
Isn't it a little soon? Maybe I should take my vibrator back.
Fine, Angry!
God! Keep the vibrator!
Thanks for getting back to me... um... Candyman.
You're the Candyman?
Yes.
You're getting any exercise?
Excuse me?
If you're not committed to personal fitness,
I can't in good conscience sell to you.
I wouldn't say Heylia is in the best shape.
Heylia is a lazy fat-fat
and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma so I have no problem selling to her.
Why?
Scare her.
Some people never learn until their life is on the line.
You know what you are?
What am I?
Skinny-fat.
And what are you gonna do about that?
We're gonna start exercising right away.
Don't humor me. I'm very serious.
I used to weigh 314 pounds.
Wow! Congratulations!
The key:
exercise.
You know, I'm not buying for personal use.
Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-fats?
Well, they're smokers
but it stands to reason that if they
eat rather than smoke, they'll just be able to breath easier,
should they decide to exercise.
It's a reasonable assumption.
And I hope you'll take it upon yourself to encourage them to do so.
Of course!
And I'll take everything you have.
Really?
Yeah.
And?
And I will make a greater effort to exercise.
No, no.
And I will exercise.
Yes, you will.
Great! Dumb and Dumber reunited.
Man! It's good to see you!
You smell really good.
You better get the fuck off me, dude. What's wrong with you?
What? Can't a straight man admire the stink of another handsome straight man?
Not unless you're in prison.
Is that where you've been?
Close. Alaska.
What about you? What have you been up to?
Same old, same old, dude.
Just dealing, growing,...
doing a little pilates.
No!
I love that shit, man!
Stretch you out, dude. Give you power, make you feel good as hell.
Hot instructor?
Ass like a peach, dude. You just wanna bite that shit.
Nice! Nice...
So... Conrad, man, can you help me out with a little?
It's a lot of weed, huh?
You got the money?
For that much? I don't...
Great! Lady Saltine sends her little errand boy with no scratch.
Nancy?
Yes, she only paid for the half order she picked up this morning.
And that's the other half.
You got my money, boy genius?
So huh... Nancy's getting pretty big, huh?
Fucking kingpin.
What's so funny?
What? Oh... huh... Conrad does pilates.
Okay. Where was I?
I'm surrounded...
You're surrounded by the enemy.
The enemy edges in, closer... closer...
then when they're just inches away, you invoke the Dong-Hai defence.
What's that?
You protect your dong, and you swing like your life depended on it.
Cool!
I need to talk to you, you fucking perv!
All right, go practice that.
What are you talking about? Did that loony chick from Alaska call?
No, I'm talking about what you did to Megan today.
Who's Megan?
Megan! My girlfriend!
Told her to take her clothes off when she IMd.
Oh that Megan!
Yeah, I did that for you, bro'. You should be thanking me.
What?
That girl really digs you.
No shit! She's my fucking girlfriend.
But you haven't got into her panties yet, have you?
That's none of your business!
You know why?
'Cause you're afraid to make all the big moves
'cause she's all handicapped and shit.
But that's what you need to learn, buddy.
You gotta treat them like everybody else and then
it'll pop right open like a can of Pringles.
So...
So, she's ready, man, you gotta go for it.
You're gonna see her tonight?
- Yeah. - Well...
Silas, check me out!
You better be right.
Trust me, man.
It's good to go.
Hey Pants!
Please tell me I didn't hear
that you had cyber sex with a 15-year-old deaf girl.
Absolutely not.
I want you out tonight.
Really?
'Cause you know I was just cooking dinner.
I want you out. Now!
Don't you wanna hear my menu
'cause I've got some really great recipes over
at my friend Conrad's joint earlier today.
Pot roast, corned beef hash,
tonight though I'm gonna go italian with little baked ziti
and a big plate of spaghetti marijuana.
You sneaky piece of shit!
Calm now, Nancy Pants!
Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black.
What did you do?
Well, I went to my old friend Conrad to catch up on old times.
You remember Conrad, don't you?
He's a pot dealer.
He's the one you're supposed to call if you ever need a little puff.
And much to my surprise, I was handed a giant bag of weed
and told it was for you.
Where's my stuff?
So, I thought "Wow!
Either Nancy's got a big problem
or Nancy's got a lot of friends."
You've been making friends?
Where's my stuff?
Don't worry, it's safe.
Don't worry? Everything you touch turns to shit.
I'm family. We'll work it out.
I really want you to leave.
Look, the way I see it is
you're in way over your head here, you know.
You've got a house, you've got bills,
you're a mommy, dealing is a fulltime job.
You need some help, Nancy Pants.
Don't call me, Pants.
Judah called me Pants, not you.
Yeah, I miss him too, Nancy.
Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother.
And I loved him.
And I have your back.
Now, I'ma go inside and I'ma finish cooking dinner for the family.
I'm making stoned crabs.
Sorry, I had to make that last one, I was working on them all the way home.
Hey.
You look hot in that leotard.
Take it off.
Perv Jr?
Come on you want to.
Your uncle was smoother.
I have cancer.
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