Previously on Weeds...
She said your check didn't clear.
You don't have any money in your checking account?
You no pay me last week.
I'm broke.
I've been working on setting up a front to launder money through.
Could my cover business eventually become my real business?
Good luck! Small business is fucked!
You want weed on credit, you gotta leave some collateral.
How about I hold on to that nice rock?
I need more inventory.
Leave your car instead.
My car?
I'm leasing it.
Then you're really gonna wanna get it back.
I'm so screwed.
This is Janet Yamamoto live from West Hills.
In the past few days,
wildlife officials have been swamped with hundred of phone calls
from Agrestic residents who have reported seeing a large tan mountain lion.
I haven't seen Chester...
that's my cat...
in two days.
I don't know though. Would a big cat eat a smaller cat?
I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?
Department fish and game officials have been called in
but so far they've had no success in capturing the animal.
In the meantime, a dangerous predator runs free.
Agrestic... a community living in fear.
Back to you and the studio, Joany.
Thank you, Janet.
I'm going to the market. Any request for dinner?
Steak!
You've been sneaking food!
I haven't!
I swear!
Well, then congratulations...
you must be pregnant.
I have to go get dressed for school.
We can't cut into the art program.
Kids need drawing and shit, good for motor skills.
No! Hell, no! We're not cutting into football for it!
Screw the pansy art fags!
Let 'em paint banners for the football team. Kill two birds with...
Listen, I got somebody here, we'll finish this up in the next counsellor meeting.
Your turn to bring the vodka.
Okay, you too.
Yes, yes, I fucked your wife.
Yes, I fucked your mother.
Okay, bye.
Nancy!
I'm such a phaser. I totally forgot you were coming.
Don't smoke it all at once.
What? What's wrong?
I'm flush.
What do you mean you're flush?
I'm cool, I'm stocked, fat, no needy more weedy.
I only sold you a quarter last week you couldn't possibly have any left the way you smoke.
I burnt through that days ago.
Check this out.
What is this?
My medical marijuana card.
I got a note from a clinic doc for a hundred bucks,
went down to the pot store and, mamma,
I was houm!
It's a weed wonderland, Nancy.
It's like Amsterdam, only better
because you don't have to visit the Anne Franck house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.
See this lollipop?
It isn't...
Yes, I'm getting high right now. You can't even tell.
How is this possible?
The genius of prop 215:
medical marijuana for sick people.
And seriously, who couldn't use a little medicating, right?
My friend's friend's friend gave me the address of the clinic
and I went down there and I loaded up.
God!
I love California.
I can't wait to tell the poker guys about it.
The one buzz killer is you can only buy 8 ounces a visit.
That's half a pound!
Well, they allow you to make 2 visits a day but
you know, with all the traffic on the 110, it's practically impossible.
Are you fucking with me?
No, no, it's all true. I don't kid about my weed.
I need the address.
Nanc', you're a pot dealer.
Why would you take advantage of a medical provider when you already have the connections?
This is greedy!
Douglas!
Okay, fine.
As long as you're braving the traffic,
Would you mind picking up a dozen more lollipops for me?
Wild cherry.
Hi there!
Welcome, I'm Craig X
and you are at the Bodhi Sativa caregivers club.
How can we care for you?
Hi.
I'm...
kind of new at this.
A virgin! Don't worry I'll be gentle on you. Come on this way.
The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board.
On the big board here, we have all the prices and strains
and they do change daily.
Hey, Billy, how's the anxiety?
Alright, cool.
What was I saying?
The big board.
I got spaced.
And on this big board, we got two specials today.
This week, you wanna check out the Grand Daddy Perp. It's actually purple.
Indica sativa blend, the flavor is... belissima.
Second, we got the Here's Johnny.
The king of late night.
You don't wanna be messing with this before the sun goes down, it will knock you out.
In the other room, we got the clones...
Hey, how is it going? I see the arthritis is getting better, huh?
Yeah, you know it, man.
Oh cool.
Huh... what was I saying?
Clones.
Oh yeah, you hear that dial tone? My clones are off the hook, check this out.
We have the most beautiful clones.
They're 10 dollars a piece and ours are guaranteed female.
Should get you started.
And over here we've got the food section.
Hey, Mrs. Rapapor, nice to see you.
You look beautiful, we got your sponge cake in back, okay?
Go ahead and get that.
Thanks.
She's got diabetes.
We make her spleen and steady sugar.
What was I saying?
Eatables.
Eatables! Okay, look at all this great stuff we have:
infusions, goo's, kifs, kif oils, hash oils, hemp oils,...
You look a little overwhelmed.
Where does all this come from?
A combination of our patients themselves and some very compassionate farmers
doing God's work.
And it's all legal?
Well, we operate under the guidelines of Health and Safety code 11362.5.
Douglas!
I just couldn't stay away!
It's the beauty of this place: you don't have to, man.
Welcome back!
I love it here! So much!
He's suffering from depression.
Nanc'!
Hey, any more Steven Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.
Oh yeah, I'll hook you up, come on, let's go.
What did I tell you, Nanc'?
You sold me shit!
I ain't here to sell you flowers!
Let me rephrase:
you sold me bullshit!
Skunk weed!
And I can't move it.
And I want a refund.
And I want an ass like Beyonce's.
And neither of us getting what we want.
I just went to this place, this store. It was like the whole foods of pot.
Listen to her.
By everything, she discovered the cannabis club.
Welcome to the party, baby!
It isn't a party, it's a nightmare. How can I compete with that?
Well when you figure it out, you let me know.
Fucking weed boutique sent my business off... how much business off again?
17%.
17%!
What's the world coming to when they legalize weed?
Ain't no goddamn morals left!
So don't come crying to me 'cause I've got my own troubles.
Anything else you want from me?
I want everything on this list.
Yeah, we got the Blue Miss and the White Widow but huh...
you're gonna have to wait on OG Kush.
That shit sold out quick.
Can't believe you've been selling me schoolyard crap this whole time.
Get what you ask for.
And you never knew enough to ask for the Cold Brain.
Well, those days are over.
We got ourselves a regular Pablo Escobar up in here.
What's wrong?
Serious shit calls for serious cash.
And your cash got a sense of humor.
But that's all I got.
Then that's all you get.
You can use that skunk to cook.
Then it is skunk.
Here, kitty, kitty!
So Julie googled "how to give a blowjob"
and she came across this website that teaches girls to deep throat.
Oh yeah, deaf Megan can do that.
Denis Kling says her mouth is like a dirt devil.
Daredevil?
He's blind, not deaf.
I don't think he sucks dick at all.
He's a superhero.
You're done.
Hey, Megan!
Can you hear me?
Megan!
Hey! Come on!
Hello?
Megan!
It's funny!
Hey, hey, hey!
Come on!
The fuck are you doing?
Megan!
What kind of crazy bitch are you?
I don't think I've put enough in the popcorn balls.
You got enough TLC in them balls to keep Stevie Wonder in.
Thanks for talking me through this.
You know what?
Gives me real sense of accomplishment working with over-privileged white women.
You enter in a whole new level.
We're talking about bigger buyers,
that means bigger risks, right?
Hm-mmh.
Thing is, I like you.
And I really don't wanna see you end up dead, you know what I mean?
Dead?
Relax, I'm just fucking with you.
Adorable.
No, seriously, how you doing?
Well, the popcorn is taking forever but...
No, no, fuck the popcorn.
How you doing?
Me?
If this doesn't work out, I could end up being the oldest Gap employee in Southern California but...
You're a hustler you're gonna do just fine.
I wish I shared your confidence.
God! That smells amazing!
That means it's ready. Take it out!
Now?
Take it out right now!
If you don't take it out now, it's gonna burn, I'm serious.
Oh... Bye!
Yo?
Ow!
Shit!
Mom! I did it! I shot the mountain lion!
Great!
Go get ready for bed!
Fuck!
God!
Shit!
Now begin your cut-and-paste collage and remember no dirty words.
Mrs. Heimler!
Yes, Isabelle?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Well, when Billy comes back from the bathroom, you can go.
Mrs. Heimler!
Yes.
I have to go to the bathroom now!
Well, you know the rules, Isabelle.
But please!
Very well. Go!
I tried!
It's cool. It's all cool.
Honey, you couldn't help it.
These things happen.
Hopefully, not too often, but they happen.
One day, you are gonna look back on this and...
well, it will still be painfully embarrassing but...
it will make for a terrific story.
I had to throw my underpants into the woods.
They call me "shit girl" now.
And that's part of the story!
Good night, sweety.
Good night, dad.
I'm worried about Isabelle.
Maybe we should take her to the doctor tomorrow,
make sure she doesn't have some kind of stomach flue.
Please, she's perfectly fine.
She shit herself in school. How is that perfectly fine?
She shit herself because she's a little piggy.
And the truth is I found a chocolate stash in her room the other day.
So I just switched it out with laxatives.
What? It was a good plan.
I mean, maybe next time she'll think twice about
scarfing down a entire bag of chocolates.
I mean, come on, I eat the same laxatives everyday in reasonable amounts
and I don't shit over myself.
I mean, look, I don't mean for this to happen,
I was just hoping for some nice, loose duties.
Clean the girl out a bit, you know.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
What? Calm down.
This is absolutely child abuse.
You should be arrested. I should call child protective services
and have you arrested.
Don't be such a drama queen!
They called her shit girl!
Lot better that fat girl.
How could you even imagine doing such a thing?
You know, excuse me,
excuse me, for wanting my daughter to be thin
and attractive so that the world is her oyster.
I know that you think she's beautiful, Dean
but this is America,
it is cold and cruel out there for fat girls.
No, no, no, no.
I hope our children survive you.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Isabelle! Breakfast!
Coming!
Feeling better, sweety?
I am now, daddy.
You really should lock your front door.
I do lock it but Lupita leaves it open
so she doesn't have to dig for her keys.
Drives me insane.
Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.
I still say we've got the better end of that deal.
Here.
I'm posting these in the neighborhood.
Tell you, I have a good mind
to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar.
A little part of me is hoping that it will mow Dean
and I wouldn't wanna miss that.
"What to do if you meet a mountain lion."
Give the mountain lion some room.
Don't make eye contact.
Talk to the lion softly.
Are you sure this isn't "what to do if you date a mountain lion?"
I have a lot to do, Celia, so...
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Excuse me.
I think I'd like to try it.
With who?
Anyone.
I don't care. I'm sick of men.
Maybe I missed my calling.
What if I was supposed to be a dyke?
Just made a wrong turn by mistake.
It would explain the hell of a lot.
Here's the thing.
I really wanna fuck around on Dean.
But the thought of having to put one more cock
into my mouth is just too depressing.
I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.
Maybe you're right.
Truth is, pussy...
really skeeves me out.
That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young,
truly a rude awakening.
Speaking of pussy...
somebody killed the Holderman's cat
and it was not the mountain lion.
Alyson is losing her mind.
She thinks it's somebody trying to send her messages or something.
It's probably just the kids though.
How did the...
How did the cat die?
I'm not sure. Why?
I think I might know the kid who did it.
Friend of Silas'.
You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals
is the first sign of psychotic behavior.
You should really tell the parents
so they can rush that little sociopath into therapy
before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van
with blacked out windows.
I really have to get going. You have to go.
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
- None of your business. - Come on, tell me!
Okay, I slept with a woman in college...
- How was it? - It was boring.
Well, maybe you didn't do it right.
She said I was the best she'd ever had.
What are you doing friday night?
These will satisfy your munchies
and give you a long lasting, all body high at the same time.
Not to mention the fact,
you're saving your lungs.
There's no residual odour for your wife to smell.
So you're saying that everything in there is loaded with...
It sure is.
But it's not all I'm offering.
For all of you old school smokers in the room,
I've also brought
some wild and wonderful
Indica Sativa blends.
Organic or hydroponic.
Hairy, sticky, delicious!
To smoke.
Here.
Help yourselves to some samples.
So?
Fuck me!
That is awesome!
I think I could exist off nothing but this for the rest of my life.
I'm glad you like it.
So, here's my final pitch, guys:
the clubs are fun and all.
But with me,
you get great shit right here in town.
I know what you like,
make sure it's there when you want it.
you don't have to schlep into the city to get it.
But most of all,
I don't Xerox your driver's license
and put your name in a state controlled databank.
What?
I'm in a databank?
You sure are.
So when your wives find out and divorce you,
they'll get custody of your children
'cause their over-priced attorneys will be able to prove
you're nothing but a bunch of irresponsible potheads that can't be trusted.
I'm in a databank?
Celia would have a field day with that.
I'm in a databank?
I'm up for counsellor re-election.
I cannot be linked to any pot clubs.
Any of you guys know any good hackers?
Maybe you should have thought of that sooner?
I'm ready to take your orders.
Fuck it!
I'll take it all!
MY MAID THINKS I FUCKED A SMURF.
Your bullet don't look right.
It's sage.
Don't smell like sage.
Obviously, menopause's affected your sense of smell.
I don't smell with my coochy.
No!
It's got raw eggs in it!
So?
Salmonella is on the rise so no.
Listen, there's something I wanna talk to you about.
Am I in trouble?
The mountain lion you shot.
Did it have a collar around its neck?
No.
Did it make kind of a miaowing sound?
It kind of yelped when I shot it but...
mountain lions don't miaow, mom, they kind of sound like...
Shane...
Did you shoot the Holdermans cat?
What?
No!
I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.
Why?
Because that's what dad would have done.
Come here.
I'm very
fond of you.
I'm very fond of you too.
I want
the BB gun.
But I need it for protection!
No.
I think I'm gonna take over that role for a while.
But if you play your cards right,
you might get it back by the time you graduate law school.
This sucks!
Yeah.
But imagine how the mountain lion feels.
Go watch Telemundo with Lupita.
The hell are you doing?
I'm a little backed up.
A lot backed up.
I haven't shit in 3 days.
I'm like...
a bloated African famine baby.
Wow!
Could it be Newton's third law of motion?
Or lack of motion in your case.
Illustrated right here in our bathroom.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
What are you talking about?
Karma, baby.
Fuck you and your karma.
Fine, shit on my theory.
Oh but wait, you can't so I guess that makes me right, huh?
It takes care of last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my Rover.
You surprise the shit out of me, girl.
I thought for sure you was gonna end up broke.
Living in a trailer park.
Having to score sack for your kids, put food on the table.
So, I see somebody got their bling back.
Does that mean we're doing alright?
Car keys, please.
What? I said "please"!
Yes.
You are very polite, Snowflake.
But your scratch only covers last week's buy and the ring.
You're still short for all the shit you're gonna wanna take this week.
Looks like you've got yourself a business decision to make.
The strange...
or the Range?
I'll be back.
Don't let the dog eat your cute little ass on the way out!
Thanks for everything, Conrad.
That cornbread recipe you gave me really saved my cute little ass.
You gave away my cornbread recipe?
And she put weed in it?
Oh hell no! You don't put weed in my cornbread!
No, no, no, hold up now!
Get your ass here to take an ass-whooping.
You know ain't nobody scared of you.
You're a dumbass motherfucker if you ain't scared of me!
Bitch!
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