[ INTRODUCTION TO "SLEIGH RIDE" PLAYS ]
* JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING *
* RING-TING-TINGLING, TOO
CASEY, DON'T MESS WITH MY CAMERA.
Casey: COME ON, BUZZY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MR. HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
MOM SAID SHE WANTED PICTURES OF YOU, TOO.
WELL, USE YOUR CELLPHONE, THEN.
AN ENTRANCE FEE OF $20 PER ADULT?
WHEW! MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS.
OH, THE NORTH POLE VILLAGE IS SUCH A RACKET.
A RACKET? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,
EVERYTHING HERE HAS A PRICE TAG ON IT.
HUH. WHY WE STILL COME HERE EVERY CHRISTMAS,
I DO NOT KNOW.
* WE'RE GLIDING ALONG WITH THE SONG OF A WINTRY FAIRY LAND *
COME ON. THE SNOW'S ABOUT TO START.
LOOK, SANTA'S COMING IN ON A ZIP LINE THIS YEAR,
FROM ALL THE WAY UP THERE.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
OH, I MISS THE FLOAT.
IT WAS OLD-FASHIONED, BUT AT LEAST IT WAS CHARMING.
WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS SANTA SO MUCH?
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
[ VIDEO FAST-FORWARDS ]
[ BELLS JINGLING ] Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS AND GIRLS,
WE ARE MINUTES FROM SANTA'S ARRIVAL.
HERE COMES THE SNOW.
SO LET'S GATHER BY THE WORKSHOP
FOR A HOLIDAY SURPRISE.
OKAY, FROM HERE, I'M GONNA GET THE ZIP LINE,
AND YOU GET THE KIDS' REACTIONS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AS WE USHER IN A NEW SEASON OF JOY,
LET'S PUT OUR MITTENS TOGETHER
AND GIVE A WARM, JOLLY WELCOME TO THE MAN OF THE HOUR,
AS HE FLIES IN DIRECTLY FROM THE NORTH POLE.
Together: 10...9...8...7...
HO, HO, HO!
...6...5... OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.
...4...3...2...1! NO! OH, GOD! NO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HO, HO, HO, HO!
WHOA.
NO!
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
OH, MY GOSH! SANTA!
HERE, TAKE THIS.
CASEY, STAY HERE.
* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY *
[ DOOR OPENS ]
DON'T WORRY, BOYS AND GIRLS.
WHAT'S WRONG?
* OH, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY *
OH, GOD!
* OH! WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *
[ INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" PLAYS ]
[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]
THANK YOU, BUZZ, FOR BRINGING ME UP TO SPEED.
NICE TO MEET YOU, CASEY.
DON'T LET THIS RUIN YOUR VISIT.
THANK YOU, CHIEF JOHNSON.
CHIEF.
HOW DO WE KNOW THIS WASN'T AN ACCIDENT?
L.A. CITY FIRE DEPARTMENT INSPECTED THE ZIP LINE
THAT OUR VICTIM WAS USING,
AND IT APPEARS THAT SOMEONE TAMPERED WITH THE BRAKES.
THIS TROLLEY SANTA WAS RIDING
USES TWO PADS TO CREATE THE FRICTION NECESSARY FOR STOPPING.
ONE OF THESE PADS WAS PRIED LOOSE.
IT ALSO HAS A BATTERY-POWERED BACK-UP SYSTEM,
BUT NO BATTERY.
AND THE ENTIRE KIT IS RENTED FROM A COMPANY
CALLED "ZIP XPERIENCE."
THE OWNER SAYS THEY RAN TRIALS YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
AND BOTH BRAKES WERE WORKING PROPERLY.
SO, ACCORDING TO THE ELVES --
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SAY THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE --
ACCORDING TO THE ELVES,
OUR DEAD SANTA'S NAME WAS RANDY MANN.
DMV HAS HIM RESIDING IN HUMBOLDT.
Flynn: AND OUR YOUNG ST. NICK HAS A SHEET --
TWO PRIOR ARRESTS
FOR CULTIVATING AND DISTRIBUTING MARIJUANA.
OH, OVER THERE, THE CRYING ELF --
THAT'S HIS WIFE, LISA.
[ WOMEN CRYING ] I COUNT TWO CRYING ELVES.
Provenza: WELL, THE OTHER ONE'S CARMEN.
Flynn: SEEMS, UH, SANTA PLAYED THE FIELD A LITTLE.
HEY, HE'S NOT THE REAL SANTA.
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT, BUZZ?
WHAT MY BROTHER MEANS IS,
THE GUY WHO REALLY RUNS THIS LITTLE CON JOB OF A CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
IS SANTA JACK.
AFTER THE ACCIDENT,
I SAW HIM RUN BACK INTO HIS WORKSHOP.
OKAY. THANK YOU, CASEY.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
SO [CLEARS THROAT] BUZZY,
WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE US TO CASEY?
OH, HE DOESN'T NEED TO.
YOU ARE DETECTIVE SANCHEZ,
THE ONE WHO THREATENS PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU ARE LIEUTENANT TAO, OF COURSE,
OH, AND THAT'S YOUR BAG OF TRICKS. MM.
YOU ARE
THE VERY SHARP-DRESSING DETECTIVE GABRIEL.
HELLO. THANK YOU.
JUDGING BY THE CYNICAL TONE IN YOUR VOICE,
YOU MUST BE ANDY FLYNN.
HI.
AND THAT MAKES YOU THE GRUMPY ONE,
LIEUTENANT PROVENZA.
HELLO. Provenza: GRUMPY?
WELL, WHEN I'M BEING SHOT AT, MAYBE.
MM. BUT THE REST OF THE TIME, I AM JUST A CUDDLY TEDDY BEAR.
OH. [ LAUGHS ]
LIEUTENANT,
CASEY'S AFRAID OF BEARS.
OH. EXCUSE US, PLEASE.
WE DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE WITH YOUR WORK.
BYE.
THIS IS A DISASTER. OH.
I UNDERSTAND THAT THE ZIP LINE WAS A NEW FEATURE
AND THAT YOU USED TO ENTER ON A HOLIDAY FLOAT?
YEAH. THAT BURNED DOWN TO ITS GEARBOX.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW.
SORRY ABOUT THE SMOKE --
USUALLY NOT ALLOWED IN THE WORKSHOP.
[ COUGHING ]
OHH.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
OHH! [ COUGHS ] POOR SANTA RANDY.
I HAD THE WHOLE THING RIGGED UP THE RIGHT WAY.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN, LAND ON THE PLATFORM,
AND GO DOWN THE CHIMNEY MYSELF.
BUT WHEN I TRIED OUT THE ZIP LINE YESTERDAY,
BELIEVE ME, SANTA SCREAMED WORDS
THAT NO CHILDREN SHOULD EVER HEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
AND I TAKE MY JOB AS ROLE MODEL VERY SERIOUSLY.
AHH.
EGGNOG?
NO, THANKS. I'M...ON DUTY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ COUGHS ]
SORRY. I'M HAVING A FEW VERY BAD MONTHS HERE.
I RUN A HALLOWEEN FAIR, TOO --
A HAUNTED HOUSE, CORN MAZE, PUMPKIN PATCH -- EVERYTHING.
[ COUGHS ]
ONE BOY GOT BOTULISM -- ONE BOY,
AND THE COUNTY
SHUT DOWN MY ENTIRE OPERATION FOR A MONTH.
AND MY SLEIGH GAVE OUT.
YOUR SLEIGH?
YEAH, RED MINIVAN. I CALL IT MY SLEIGH.
COST OVER $1,000 TO FIX.
AND NOW SANTA RANDY IS DEAD.
OH, GOD.
WERE YOU AND RANDY CLOSE?
SANTA RANDY.
YEAH, GREAT KID.
HE'S BEEN SELLING TREES HERE
SINCE HE DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.
BUT, OF COURSE, HE WANTED MORE OUT OF LIFE.
SO BEING A GOOD GUY,
I-I SENT HIM TO SANTA SCHOOL LAST SEPTEMBER,
BOUGHT HIM THE SUIT, PAID FOR HIM TO JOIN THE ORDER.
I UNDERSTAND THAT RANDY AND HIS WIFE -- SANTA RANDY.
...SANTA -- SANTA RANDY AND HIS WIFE, LISA,
WERE HAVING PROBLEMS.
WELL, YEAH, AFTER WORK, THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A FEW
OF WHAT WE REFER TO AROUND HERE AS, UH, "REINDEER GAMES."
"POLE DANCING" -- THAT KIND OF THING.
AND I UNDERSTAND SANTA RANDY WAS A LITTLE OVERLY FRIENDLY
WITH THE ELVES THIS YEAR.
OH, SANTA RANDY. MM.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU -- LISA HAD A VERY HARD TIME
ADJUSTING TO RANDY'S NEW STATION IN LIFE.
[ BOTTLE SPRAYS ]
SHE HAD MARRIED A MAN -- WHEW! --
AND HE HAD BECOME PART OF A LEGEND.
AND I CAN TELL YOU FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,
THE ROLE OF MRS. CLAUS IS MORE THAN MOST WOMEN CAN HANDLE.
MM. SORRY.
SOME ASHES THERE. [ CHUCKLES ]
MY FAULT.
LOOK, SANTA, I NEED YOU TO COME DOWNTOWN
AND GIVE ME A STATEMENT ABOUT THIS ZIP LINE.
WELL, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM THERE.
Woman: AAH!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
EXCUSE ME. ONE SECOND.
Man: ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH.
HE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT!
[ Chuckling ] WHOA, WHOA! HE WAS MY HUSBAND, YOU SLUT!
HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!
IT'S ALL LEGALLY MINE! IT'S NOT YOURS! Gabriel: LADIES!
AAAH!
[ GRUNTING ]
LADIES, COME ON. ALL RIGHT, THAT --
NOW, GABRIEL, GIVE THEM A SEC.
ONE OF THEM MIGHT SAY SOMETHING INCRIMINATING. OHH!
[ SCREAMING, GRUNTING ]
ELVES! ELVES!
PLEASE!
ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
PUT 'EM ALL UNDER ARREST!
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.
EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.
HEY, YOU -- YOU COME BACK HERE! YOU COME --
YOU -- YOU ARE A VERY STRONG ELF.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
OKAY. YOU -- HEY!
SANTA IS NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.
THIS IS A LOT OF CHRISTMAS CHEER, CHIEF --
DRUGS, CASH.
ADD IN THE ELF SEX...
THREE VERY TRADITIONAL MOTIVES FOR MURDER.
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT SOMEONE WOULD USE A CHRISTMAS VILLAGE TO SELL DRUGS.
WELL, PEOPLE USE CHRISTMAS TO SELL EVERYTHING. CASEY.
AND THAT'S WHAT SANTA JACK WAS ALL ABOUT. CASEY.
WE DO NOT INTERRUPT DETECTIVES
WHEN THEY'RE DISCUSSING A CASE.
CHIEF, I'M -- I'M VERY SORRY.
NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S FINE.
I THINK YOUR SISTER MIGHT HAVE A POINT.
WITH THE AMOUNT OF DRUGS WE HAVE HERE,
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A WARRANT
FOR EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT THE NORTH POLE'S...
UH. MM.
...CREDIT REPORTS. MM-HMM.
AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU INCLUDE THE VICTIM'S WIFE,
UH, PLEASE.
UH, LET'S SEE IF ANYONE HAS MORE MONEY IN THE BANK
THAN THEY OUGHT TO.
EXCUSE ME. OKAY.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO YOUR ATTORNEY'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD,
BUT SOMEONE MURDERED SANTA CLAUS.
LOOK, POPE PULLED RAYDOR OFF YOUR BACK
WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU WOULD FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS
ON THIS FEDERAL LAWSUIT,
WHICH, FIRST AND FOREMOST,
MEANS KEEPING APPOINTMENTS WITH YOUR LAWYER.
I TOOK OFF WORK TODAY TO GO WITH YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE EVEN THINKING ABOUT BEING LATE,
LET ALONE NOT SHOWING UP AT ALL.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HEY, HEY, HEY.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN JOLLY.
[ SIGHS ] HO, HO, HO.
NOW PULL IT TOGETHER. WE NEED TO LEAVE.
[ SIGHS ] OKAY.
UH, EVERYONE, LOOK, UH, I HAVE TO GO.
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, SANTA JACK SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE BY NOW.
LET'S FIND OUT WHERE HE'S GOTTEN TO.
AND I-I NEED TO KNOW WHO ELSE HAD ACCESS TO THAT ZIP LINE
BETWEEN THE LAST SAFETY CHECK AND OUR ACCIDENT,
WHICH IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO BE CALLING THIS
UNTIL WE CAN SORT OUT WHO'S BEEN...
NAUGHTY AND WHO'S BEEN NICE.
THANK YOU.
WELL, IT'S CLEAR NOW THAT GOLDMAN
ONLY BROUGHT THAT BAYLOR SUIT AGAINST YOU
IN THE HOPES OF ESTABLISHING A LEAK IN YOUR DIVISION.
AND HE HAS USED THAT LEAK TO AMASS AN IMPRESSIVE LIST
OF LITIGANTS FOR THIS FEDERAL LAWSUIT OF HIS.
SO, BRENDA...
WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LITTLE WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE,
WHICH, FOR YOU, LEADS THROUGH A CEMETERY, OKAY?
OKAY.
IN ADDITION TO TURELL BAYLOR,
WHOSE DEATH I NOW LOOK BACK UPON WITH A CERTAIN FOND NOSTALGIA,
WE HAVE THE VERY THUGGY NICK KOSLOV,
SON OF A RUSSIAN CRIME BOSS.
WHO CONFESSED TO STABBING TEENAGE PROSTITUTES TO DEATH.
MM. HE WAS MURDERED AFTER YOU ALERTED HIS FAMILY'S ATTORNEY
THAT THE YOUNG MR. KOSLOV WAS ALSO AN INFORMANT FOR THE FBI.
YEAH, THAT WAS NOT A GOOD DAY.
MM. AND BEGAN A TROUBLESOME PATTERN
YOU CONTINUED WITH ROGER STIMPLE.
A CHILD MOLESTER
WHO CONFESSED TO MURDERING THREE LITTLE GIRLS.
AND HANGED HIMSELF IN JAIL AFTER YOU "FORGOT"
TO PUT HIM IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY. [ FILE THUDS ]
THEN THERE'S MARTIN VASQUEZ,
A MEXICAN FEDERALE WHOM YOU ARRESTED UNDER ANOTHER NAME --
COINCIDENTALLY, THE NAME OF SOMEONE
VASQUEZ HAD PAID TO HAVE MURDERED IN JAIL.
ALSO, BY COMPLETE COINCIDENCE,
MR. VASQUEZ DIED WITHIN AN HOUR OF LANDING BEHIND BARS.
VASQUEZ WAS A CORRUPT COP
RESPONSIBLE FOR DOZENS OF HOMICIDES,
WORKING FOR THE GARCIA CARTEL.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, WE HAVE KYLE,
WHO SHOT HIMSELF IN YOUR INTERVIEW ROOM.
'CAUSE HE COULDN'T KILL ME.
AND LASTLY, BUT NOT LEASTLY, PHILLIP STROH.
WHAT? STROH?
HE'S NOT DEAD. IS HE?
SURPRISINGLY, NO, BUT YOUR WIFE
HAS BEEN HARASSING HIM FOR OVER TWO YEARS.
AND, IN ADDITION TO BADMOUTHING HIM
TO THE AUTHORITIES, CHASING AWAY HIS CLIENTS...
BRENDA, WHAT THE HELL? PEOPLE HE'S DEFENDING HAVE A RIGHT
TO KNOW WHO THEY'RE DEALING WITH. YOU HAVE TO BE -- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
IN ADDITION TO ALL OF THAT, EVERY YEAR ON MAY 5th,
MR. STROH RECEIVES A MYSTERIOUS BOUQUET OF FLOWERS
FROM THE DECEASED JESSICA GOODALL.
A LITTLE BIT CREEPY.
I WANT STROH NEVER TO FORGET WHAT I KNOW,
AND THAT IS THAT HE RAPED AND MURDERED JESSICA
FEBRUARY 5th, 2008,
THE NIGHT BEFORE HER 30th BIRTHDAY.
IF YOU KNOW THAT, WHY DIDN'T YOU ARREST HIM
AND TRY HIM IN COURT?
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?
I AM NOT BEING MEAN.
I'M SIMPLY PRESENTING A MORE MILD VERSION OF GOLDMAN'S CASE,
AND IF YOU RESPOND TO HIM THE WAY YOU RESPONDED TO ME,
THE L.A.P.D. WILL HAVE TO INSTITUTE
COSTLY NEW CUSTODIAL PROCEDURES,
AND YOU AND FRITZ COULD END UP FORKING OVER
EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE IN PUNITIVE DAMAGES.
THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY.
OOH, OOH, OOH.
BEFORE I FORGET...
I HAVE A GIFT FOR THE TWO OF YOU.
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON,
ENJOY.
BUT WE DIDN'T GET YOU ANYTHING.
NOT TO WORRY -- IT'S FROM THE FIRM, ACTUALLY.
NOT FROM ME PERSONALLY.
WAIT. DID YOU SAY PUNITIVE DAMAGES AGAINST US?
I'M AFRAID SO, YES.
AND TO GET ALL THE BAD NEWS
OUT OF THE WAY THIS AFTERNOON,
MY RETAINER'S GONE.
SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO CONTINUE AS YOUR COUNSEL,
I'LL NEED ANOTHER $25,000 BY THE END OF THE WEEK. [ SIGHS ]
[ RATTLES ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, DOOR SLAMS ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, MR. SCROOGE.
I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND.
HE'S YOUR FRIEND, BRENDA,
BUT IT'S ALSO WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.
YEAH, YOU MEAN MAKING MONEY
OFF THE TROUBLES OF INNOCENT PEOPLE?
WHAT DID HE GIVE US? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
OH, IT'S A SILVER TREE ORNAMENT.
[ Chuckling ] OH.
WITH THE INITIALS OF THEIR FIRM ON IT.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
DON'T THROW IT AWAY. I WANT IT.
"IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON."
HERE'S A LITTLE SANTA SCHEMATIC, CHIEF.
ZIP LINE WAS INSTALLED YESTERDAY AT 5:30 P.M.
FOUR SUCCESSFUL DRY RUNS.
ZIP XPERIENCE SIGNED OFF ON THEIR EQUIPMENT AT 8:30 P.M.
YEAH, THE SAFETY AGREEMENT HAS THREE SIGNATURES ON IT --
JACK McBRIDE, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "SANTA JACK,"
HIS NIECE, DONNA, WHO JULIO'S BRINGING UP RIGHT NOW,
AND OUR VICTIM, RANDY MANN.
SECURITY GUARDS WERE ON DUTY LAST NIGHT
UNTIL THIS MORNING AT 10:00 A.M.,
WHEN THE DOORS OPENED,
LEAVING THE TROLLEY AND THE CABLE UNATTENDED.
FULL SYSTEM FAILURE -- A FEW SECONDS AFTER NOON.
Brenda: GIVING US TWO HOURS WHEN NEARLY ANYONE
COULD HAVE DISABLED THE ZIP LINE'S BRAKES.
GREAT. OKAY.
UH, ANY OTHER MOTIVE POSSIBLE BESIDES DRUG DEALING?
AH, YES.
IT SEEMS THAT OUR VICTIM, SANTA RANDY, AND HIS WIFE, LISA,
WERE RECENTLY QUALIFIED FOR A BUSINESS LOAN.
LISA HAS ADMITTED THAT THEY WERE PLANNING
TO OPEN THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.
ANOTHER NORTH POLE IN L.A.?
IS THAT REALLY SUCH A BIG DEAL?
Gabriel: WELL, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, CHIEF,
SANTA JACK'S VILLAGE GENERATES LOTS OF CASH.
AFTER PAYING HIS TAXES, RENT TO HIS NIECE,
AND ALIMONY TO A COUPLE OF MRS. CLAUSES,
SANTA BRINGS HOME OVER $200,000 PER YEAR. Sanchez: CHIEF.
I HAVE SANTA'S NIECE DONNA IN INTERVIEW ROOM 1.
OKAY, GREAT. MAYBE SHE CAN TELL US WHERE HER UNCLE'S HIDING.
HEY, CASEY.
COME ON.
WE'RE NEEDED IN ELECTRONICS.
COME ON.
DETECTIVE SANCHEZ! WITH ME NOW, PLEASE.
MS. McBRIDE,
I'M DEPUTY CHIEF JOHNSON.
I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE TRAGEDY TODAY
AT YOUR CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.
OH, IT'S NOT MY VILLAGE.
UH, DAD LEFT THE PROPERTY TO ME,
BUT THE VILLAGE ITSELF IS MY UNCLE'S.
TECHNICALLY, I'M HIS LANDLORD.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO PAY A PERCENTAGE
OF HIS RECEIPTS TO ME,
BUT, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I JUST LET HIM FORGET IT.
I SEE. SO, IF YOU'RE NOT INVOLVED,
WHY DID YOU SIGN OFF AS A WITNESS
ON THE SAFETY AGREEMENT FOR THE ZIP LINE?
WELL, AS LAND OWNER, I STILL NEED TO BE CAREFUL
ABOUT LIABILITY.
SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MANAGING THE NORTH POLE?
OH, NO.
NO, I-I COULDN'T WORK WITH THE PEOPLE THAT JACK HIRES.
RANDY MANN, WITH AN ARREST RECORD LIKE HIS...
SO YOU GUYS KNEW THAT RANDY WAS A DRUG DEALER? OH, YES.
UNCLE JACK HAD TO GO BAIL HIM OUT ONCE.
RANDY NEVER PAID HIM BACK, OF COURSE.
AND YET HE SENT HIM TO SANTA SCHOOL? [ SIGHS ]
THIS IS GONNA SOUND ODD,
BUT UNCLE JACK THINKS THAT PLAYING SANTA
GIVES PEOPLE AN OPPORTUNITY TO...
REDEEM THEMSELVES,
THAT TO EMBODY THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
MADE ONE A BETTER PERSON.
FOR HIM, SANTA'S A SPIRITUAL THING.
Santa Jack: [ Slurring ] * JINGLE BELLS
EVERYBODY!
JINGLE ALL THE WAY!
HO, HO, HO.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I WAS HOME A-WASSAILING.
COME ON. LET'S GET SOME CHRISTMAS GOING HERE.
OH, MY GOD. YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE --
IT'S COMPLETELY NAKED.
PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO DECK THESE HALLS, PRONTO.
EYES STRAIGHT AHEAD.
YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING HERE.
HEY, THAT'S DONNA. WHY IS DONNA ON TV?
ALL RIGHT, COME ON. LET'S GO. NO, I KNOW HER.
GREAT. YOU KNOW HER. WHY IS SHE ON TELEVISION?
LET'S GO. PLEASE, I'M CAPABLE OF GUIDING MYSELF.
Donna: HE JUST HAS NO IDEA WHAT'S REQUIRED.
Flynn: UH, HERE.
STEADY. OHH.
STAY. OHH.
AH.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
MY APOLOGIES FOR APPEARING BEFORE YOU IN DIS--
UH, IN THIS UNSEEMLY CONDITION.
SANTA IS NEVER PUBLICLY DRUNK IN UNIFORM.
IT'S A VIOLATION OF MY OATH.
BUT I HAD NO TIME TO CHANGE INTO SANTA CASUAL
BEFORE YOUR EXTREMELY RUDE FRIEND HERE
DRAGGED ME FROM MY HUMBLE ABODE.
OH! [ CHUCKLES ]
WHOA.
HELLO, YOUNG LADY.
SANTA CLAUS AT YOUR SERVICE.
AND WHO WOULD YOU BE?
WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW ME? OH!
BUT I SAT ON YOUR LAP EVERY CHRISTMAS FOR YEARS.
I'M CASEY WATSON.
OH, AND WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP? HEY!
WELL, I'M ACTUALLY ALREADY DOING IT.
OH. I'M A METEOROLOGIST AT A WEATHER STATION IN SEATTLE.
A WEATHER GIRL!
SO YOU'LL TELL US ALL ABOUT WHAT'S IT'S LIKE
IN SANTAS ALL OVER THE WORLD.
WHAT IT'S LIKE IN SANTAS?
YES, YOU KNOW -- IS IT HOT IN SANTA BARBARA?
SANTA ANA? SANTA MONICA?
'CAUSE IT'S PLENTY HOT IN HERE, CASEY!
ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, THAT VOICE.
WHAT IS SHE YAMMERING ON ABOUT NOW?
Brenda: ...THEIR OWN BUSINESS LOAN AND WERE LOOKING TO OPEN
THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE SOMEWHERE? [ DOOR OPENS ]
WELL, GOOD LUCK IN FINDING THE UNDEVELOPED LAND
ANYWHERE NEAR US.
[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]
RANDY WAS GONNA COMPETE WITH MY UNCLE? THAT'S HORRIBLE.
I-I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT SO UPSET
WHEN HE CRASHED INTO THAT CHIMNEY.
THIS WILL BREAK JACK'S HEART.
SO SANTA RANDY WAS TRYING TO OPEN UP HIS OWN VILLAGE?
OH!
HO, HO.
YOU THINK SANTA DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON BEHIND HIS BACK?
SANTA HAS POWERS RANDY NEVER EVEN DREAMED OF.
YOU THINK I CHANGED PLACES WITH HIM ON THE ZIP LINE
BECAUSE I WAS FRIGHTENED?
SANTA DOES NOT KNOW FEAR.
WELL, THEN, SANTA, TELL US,
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE JUMP YOURSELF?
HUH? YEAH. WHY'D YOU CHANGE THE BATTING ORDER, SANTA?
HA!
SANTA'S SECRET INSIGHTS --
I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BAD.
SO I WENT TO RANDY.
I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU DO THE ZIP LINE?
GO DOWN THE OLD CHIMBLY?"
NO, NO, NO. SANTA, JUST WAIT A MINUTE, OKAY? FLYNN, FLYNN, FLYNN.
I PAID HIM AN EXTRA $500.
SANTA CLAUS CANNOT BE TAKEN BY SURPRISE.
RANDY EXPECTED TO REPLACE ME?!
WELL...NOT...ANYMORE.
OH!
Flynn: SANTA!
Gabriel: SANTA? SANTA?
BUZZ, YOU WANT TO GIVE US A HAND? [ THUD ]
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
OH, MY GOSH.
[ SANTA JACK GRUNTS ]
PUT HIM ON BUZZ'S DESK -- BUZZ'S DESK.
OH, HE REEKS. GEEZ! WATCH HIS ARM. WATCH HIS ARM.
WHAT HAPPENED TO SANTA?
GET HIM ON THE DESK. HE PASSED OUT.
GET HIM ON THE TABLE. OH, MY GOD.
OH! OH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, LIEUTENANT?
I NEVER MIRANDIZED HIM.
WHY NOT? YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT THAT MEANS IS, WE APPARENTLY HAVE
A SANTA-ON-SANTA CRIME,
BUT WE CAN'T USE ANYTHING OUR SUSPECT HERE SAID TO PROVE IT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, LIEUTENANT.
BUZZ, DID YOU GET HIS STATEMENT ON FILM?
YES, MA'AM. UNFORTUNATELY, I DID.
WELL, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
IT COULD BE HELPFUL, DEPENDING...
DEPENDING ON WHAT?
DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS.
[ GROANS ]
WHY ARE YOU GUYS STILL HERE?
WELL, SANTA GAVE US THE GIFT OF OVERTIME.
Flynn: WE HAD TO SERVE A SEARCH WARRANT AT HIS WORKSHOP,
HIS HOUSE, AND VARIOUS STOREROOMS.
IN ADDITION TO SOME OF THE CHEESIEST DECORATIONS YOU'VE EVER SEEN,
WE FOUND ALL OF HIS BUSINESS RECORDS.
Taylor: I THOUGHT HE ADMITTED EVERYTHING.
[ CLEARS THROAT ] YEAH.
WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,
THERE WERE SOME PROBLEMS WITH HIS STATEMENT.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS?
Flynn: FOR ONE THING, HE CONFESSED BEFORE WE GOT A CHANCE
TO READ HIM HIS RIGHTS.
REALLY? [ SIGHS ] WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?
DID WE SMASH HIS HEAD IN?
Provenza: OH, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S, UH, FROM TOO MUCH EGG-NOGGING.
HE PASSED OUT DRUNK IN ELECTRONICS.
GREAT. THAT'S YET ANOTHER REASON EVERYTHING HE SAID
COULD BE RULED INADMISSIBLE.
OH. AND HE ALSO IMPLIED THAT HE WAS THE REAL SANTA CLAUS.
NOW, SO WE ASKED BUZZ TO TRY AND SOBER HIM UP
SO HE WOULDN'T BLURT ANYTHING ELSE OUT THAT WAS INCRIMINATING.
THE CHIEF WOULD LIKE A PROPER CRACK AT HIM.
Buzz: YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, UH, THANK YOU, YOUNG MAN.
AH. WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A CIGARETTE?
NO, AND THIS IS A NONSMOKING AREA.
EVEN FOR SANTA? ESPECIALLY FOR SANTA.
YOU'RE MEANT TO COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY, NOT SMOKE LIKE ONE.
WELL, THEN, WOULD YOU PULL A TRASH CAN OVER HERE, PLEASE?
OHH!
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,
I LOOKED FORWARD TO TALKING TO YOU FOR MONTHS.
YOU WERE THE SYMBOL OF MY VERY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR.
AND NOW I-I FEEL YOU'VE RUINED
EVERY CHRISTMAS MEMORY THAT I HAVE.
PLUS, YOU DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I RECALL YOU VERY WELL --
A VERY CARING YOUNG BOY WITH A HAPPY SMILE.
WHY, I MIGHT EVEN BE THE REASON WHY
YOU WORK WITH THE POLICE NOW.
ONE YEAR, YOU SAT ON MY KNEE,
YOU LOOKED SANTA IN THE EYE,
AND YOU ASKED... FOR A CAMERA.
I NEVER ASKED YOU FOR A CAMERA.
AH.
OH, WELL. SOMETIMES I GET LUCKY.
HO, HO --
[ VOMITING ]
OH! HO, HO, HO, HO.
GOD.
WELL, THAT SHOULD SOBER HIM UP A LITTLE BIT.
[ SANTA JACK VOMITS ]
OHH!
SORRY. THESE THINGS OCCASIONALLY HAPPEN TO SANTA.
[ BLOWS NOSE ]
UGH. REALLY?
BY THE WAY, DOES HE HAVE A MOTIVE?
TWO, ACTUALLY, SIR.
NOT ONLY WAS THE VICTIM ABOUT TO COMPETE WITH HIM,
BUT, UH, SANTA JACK HAS PROBABLY...
SANTA JACK? YES, SIR.
SANTA JACK HAS PROBABLY
THE BEST BUSINESS INSURANCE POLICY
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
BEING THAT HE HAS A SEASONAL OPERATION,
IF HE'S SHUT DOWN FOR ANY REASON AT ALL,
HE'S GUARANTEED THE PREVIOUS YEAR'S INCOME.
POLICY WAS HARD TO FIND, SIR.
HIS FINANCIAL PAPERS WERE A MESS.
ABOUT THE ONLY THING HE DID FILE PROPERLY... [ COUGHING ]
...WERE THE LETTERS AND CARDS HE GOT FROM KIDS OVER THE YEARS.
RIGHT.
SO...WHY ARE WE ALL STANDING HERE?
OH. EXCUSE ME.
SORRY. I NEED TO GET THROUGH.
Provenza: PLEASE, ALLOW ME.
HEY. YOU CAN GO THROUGH. THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
YES, SIRREE.
WOW.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT IS BUZZ'S SISTER CASEY.
SHE DOES THE WEATHER IN SEATTLE.
SHE'S HOT, SIR.
BUT SHE HAS OPINIONS.
OH. Casey: OH, MY.
SANTA VOMIT -- HOW CHARMING.
TELL ME, BUZZY,
STILL BELIEVE THIS GUY
REPRESENTS THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAS?
NOW, HOLD ON A MINUTE, YOUNG LADY.
I'LL ADMIT THAT MY BEHAVIOR THE LAST FEW HOURS
HAS BEEN DISGRACEFUL.
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, BEFORE THIS EVENING,
I SPENT MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE RESPECTING CHRISTMAS.
AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN -- WHERE IS SHE? --
AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,
I ALSO STAND FOR PEACE ON EARTH AND JOY TO THE WORLD.
BEHOLD -- EVEN IN MY DARKEST HOUR,
THE POWER OF SANTA CLAUS
DRAWS THESE JADED POLICE OFFICERS
TO GAZE ON ME IN WONDER AND AWE.
THEY KNOW WHAT I REPRESENT IS REAL.
THEY CERTAINLY LOOK REAL.
YEAH. UH. MAYBE I SHOULD SHOW THEM AROUND.
I MEAN BUZZ AND HIS SISTER, WHILE SHE'S IN TOWN.
YEAH, RIGHT. OH.
YOU KNOW, AS CHIEF OF POLICE,
I CAN TAKE HER PLACES NOBODY ELSE CAN.
[ CHUCKLES ] Y-- MM-HMM.
Brenda: WOULD Y'ALL LOOK AT YOURSELVES?
LIKE A BUNCH OF DIABETICS
STANDING IN FRONT OF A CANDY STORE.
DID SANTA WAKE UP FROM HIS LONG WINTER'S NAP,
SO WE CAN ALL GET BACK TO WORK?
REALLY, GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE?
WE HAVE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO HERE.
COME ON.
OKAY, SANTA. TIME TO GET UP.
LET'S GO. HO, HO.
HI, CASEY. HI.
WHOA. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO BOTH OF YOU.
AND THANK YOU, YOUNG LADY, FOR YOUR HEALING ATTENTIONS.
OH. OH, SORRY.
PROBABLY LINT FROM MY BEARD. MY FAULT.
Flynn: LET'S GO. COME ON.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
Santa Jack: ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU GIVE UP THAT RIGHT, ANYTHING YOU SAY
CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW.
I HATE YOU BOTHER YOU WITH THIS, BUT, UM...
REALLY? YES.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY. YES.
IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD ONE, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED TO YOU.
GAVIN IS ASKING FOR ANOTHER $25,000, AND I DON'T HAVE IT.
HE'S STILL CHARGING YOU? ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'LL FIX IT.
THANK YOU, WILL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ SIGHS ] OKAY, CHIEF.
SANTA WILL SEE YOU NOW.
SANTA JACK, WHEN WE SPOKE EARLIER TODAY,
YOU SAID THAT YOU GAVE UP YOUR TRIP ON THE ZIP LINE
BECAUSE IT FRIGHTENED YOU.
AND I KEEP THINKING HOW LUCKY IT IS
THAT THE PERSON WHO REPLACED YOU
WAS THE SAME GUY TRYING TO OPEN HIS OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.
BUT HE WAS ALSO THE ONLY OTHER QUALIFIED SANTA
AT THE NORTH POLE.
AND NOW THAT I'M SOBER,
I REALLY FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT ACCIDENT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
THAT YOU USE THE WORD "ACCIDENT"... [ COUGHING ]
...'CAUSE WE FOUND EVIDENCE THAT SUGGESTS
THAT SOMEONE TAMPERED WITH THE BRAKES ON THAT ZIP LINE.
MAKING IT LOOK LESS LIKE AN ACCIDENT AND MORE LIKE A MURDER.
MURDER?! OHH!
BUT...YOU CAN'T THINK SANTA DID THIS!
EARLIER THIS EVENING, YOU IMPLIED --
OH, NO, NO, WAIT.
THAT -- THAT WAS THE EGGNOG TALKING.
LISTEN, IF I WANTED RANDY DEAD, I WOULDN'T HAVE OFFED HIM
IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF INNOCENT LITTLE CHILDREN.
THIS HAS RUINED MY BUSINESS.
NO, ACTUALLY, IT HASN'T.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE OUT LIKE A BANDIT.
WHAT'S THAT?
EXCUSE ME, SIR. OH.
THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS INSURANCE POLICY.
THANK YOU, DETECTIVE.
IT COVERS ALL REVENUES LOSSES
FROM THE CLOSURE OF THE NORTH POLE VILLAGE.
YOU COULD ACTUALLY MAKE MORE MONEY CLOSED
THAN IF YOU'D STAYED OPEN.
HOPE I'M NOT CROWDING YOU, CASEY. MM.
CASEY, RIGHT? MM-HMM.
CHIEF OF POLICE WILLIAM POPE.
HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.
MY BROTHER MUST HAVE SET THIS UP FOR ME
AS PART OF THE LEASE AGREEMENT
WHEN HE BOUGHT ME THE VILLAGE.
KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON THIS CASE. MM.
A LOT OF FRANTIC PARENTS CALLING IN.
I'M HOPING WE CAN KEEP FROM SPOILING SANTA CLAUS
FOR A LOT OF LITTLE CHILDREN.
AWW, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE HELPING PARENTS DELAY THE MOMENT
CHILDREN REALIZE THEY'VE BEEN LIED TO ABOUT CHRISTMAS
THEIR WHOLE LIVES.
THAT MUST MAKE YOU VERY PROUD.
LISTEN, UH, DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW HOW MUCH, UH,
HOW MUCH, UH, SANTA JACK GETS PAID
FOR HAVING TO SHUT DOWN LIKE THIS?
THIS YEAR, APPROXIMATELY $600,000.
HOLY FRANKINCENSE [COUGHS] AND MYRRH!
[ COUGHING ]
HEY, DOES IT ALSO COVER
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FLOAT, TOO?
WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FLOAT?
OH, IT WENT UP IN FLAMES.
OH, BURNT COMPLETELY.
I-I BARELY GOT OUT OF THE STORAGE GARAGE ALIVE.
OHH.
YOU WERE WITH THE FLOAT WHEN IT CAUGHT ON FIRE?
WELL, YEAH.
TRUTH IS, I-I GET A LOT OF ATTENTION NOW,
BUT THE REST OF THE YEAR,
I'M MOSTLY JUST ANOTHER OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD.
AND SOMETIMES WHEN I'M FEELING A LITTLE BLUE,
I-I DRESS UP IN MY OLD SANTA SUIT
AND GO HANG OUT IN MY FLOAT,
MAYBE HAVE A DRINK OR TWO.
MM.
ANYWAY, LAST SEPTEMBER,
I PASSED OUT ON MY SLEIGH BENCH,
AND WHEN I WOKE UP, THE ENTIRE FLOAT WAS IN FLAMES.
YEAH, AND MY, UH... MY BEST BEARD,
THE ONE MADE ENTIRELY OF ACTUAL YAK HAIR -- TORCHED!
BURNED UP FASTER THAN A PAIR OF KID'S PAJAMAS.
OH, MY GOD.
THE HALLOWEEN FAIR'S EVEN PAID FOR,
EVEN THOUGH THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT SHUT ME DOWN.
BECAUSE OF BOTULISM.
YEAH, IN ONE SINGLE BROWNIE,
AND IT WAS MY BROWNIE, TO BOOT.
LITTLE GUY SNATCHED IT RIGHT OFF THE PLATTER OF SNACKS
THAT RANDY AND I KEPT IN MY BIG JACK-O'-LANTERN.
THAT WAS MY NAME AT HALLOWEEN --
JACK LANTERN.
FUNNY, RIGHT?
DIDN'T SOMETHING HAPPEN
TO YOUR MINIVAN, TOO?
YEAH.
MY BRAKES WENT OUT JUST AS I WAS GETTING OFF THE FREEWAY.
LUCKILY, THE LIGHT WAS GREEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE EXIT RAMP.
OTHERWISE, SANTA WOULD HAVE CRASHED AND --
SO, WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.
TODAY, THE ZIP LINE. YEAH.
BEFORE THAT, THE MINIVAN.
AND THE BROWNIE AND THE FLOAT.
MY GOD!
IS THIS PART OF THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS?
EITHER THAT, OR TODAY SOMEONE KILLED THE WRONG SANTA.
[ SIGHS ]
FRITZI? HEY.
YOU'RE UP LATE.
YEAH. YEAH.
SOMETHING ABOUT POSSIBLY LOSING EVERYTHING WE HAVE
MADE IT HARD TO NOD OFF,
SO I THOUGHT I'D GET CHRISTMAS UP AND ROLLING.
HOW'D YOUR DAY GO?
UM, GOOD. GOOD. MM.
I'M STA-- OH, KEITH!
I...
UH, I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT SOMEBODY
REALLY DOESN'T WANT SANTA AT THE NORTH POLE.
AND HIS NIECE WAS RIGHT.
WE'VE BEEN CHECKING WITH REALTORS,
AND RANDY AND LISA
COULDN'T AFFORD A VACANT LOT IN LOS ANGELES,
MUCH LESS THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.
HEY, FRITZI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM TAKING DOWN ALL OF YOUR PHILLIP STROH STUFF.
WHAT? WHY? I AM. I AM TIRED OF LOOKING AT HIM.
IT IS CREEPY, HAVING HIM IN OUR GUEST ROOM ALL THE TIME. BUT THE CASE IS STILL OPEN.
AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO STILL REMEMBERS
WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THESE POOR WOMEN. HEY, LOOK, I LIVE HERE, TOO.
AND I'VE GOT TO GET THIS GUY OUT OF OUR GUEST ROOM.
IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME, SO ONE OF US HAS TO GO.
OKAY. FINE. I'LL -- I'LL TAKE HIM TO WORK.
THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL.
HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I KNOW WHAT STROH DID WAS AWFUL.
BUT HOLDING ON TO THE PAST LIKE THIS,
REFUSING TO LET GO OF THE GUY -- IT'S HURTING US, TOO.
IT'S MAKING THIS COURT CASE WE'RE FACING MORE CREDIBLE.
DON'T YOU WANT TO BEAT THIS THING?
IS GETTING STROH WORTH RISKING OUR WHOLE FUTURE?
[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
[ SIGHS ]
SORRY. I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.
SOMETIMES, I HOLD ON TO THINGS LONGER THAN I SHOULD.
BUT, LOOK, YOU HAVE TO KNOW
THAT THERE'S NOTHING ON EARTH I WANT MORE
THAN TO GET RID OF GAVIN AND GOLDMAN
AND THIS WHOLE TERRIBLE LAWSUIT...
SO THAT THE FUTURE CAN GO BACK TO WHAT IT USED TO BE.
I'D BE HAPPY IF OUR GUEST ROOM GOES BACK TO WHAT IT USED TO BE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
LOOK, THE FUTURE IS GONNA BE WHAT IT IS.
IN THE MEANTIME, TRY NOT TO FREAK OUT IN ADVANCE.
WHAT?
[ GASPS ]
HOW TRUE.
HMM?
FREAKING OUT IN ADVANCE --
THAT'S -- THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.
[ VEHICLE DOOR OPENS ] * JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING *
CASEY, DON'T MESS WITH MY CAMERA.
Casey: COME ON, BUZZY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MR. HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
MOM SAID SHE WANTED PICTURES OF YOU, TOO.
OKAY, UH, LET'S FAST-FORWARD TO THE ACCIDENT, PLEASE.
[ VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING ]
Together: 8...7...
HO, HO, HO!
...6...5... OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.
...4...3...2...1! NO! OH, GOD! NO!
OKAY, STOP IT RIGHT THERE.
L-LET'S GO BACK TO WHERE THE WOMAN SCREAMS.
[ VIDEO REWINDS ]
OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.
...4...3...2...1! NO! OH, MY GOD! NO!
FREEZE IT. THERE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN BUZZ FIRST SHOWED ME THIS FOOTAGE,
IT DIDN'T QUITE REGISTER
THAT THE WOMAN STARTED SCREAMING
BEFORE SANTA RANDY TOOK THE LEAP.
AND AS YOU CAN SEE, MS. McBRIDE, THAT WOMAN IS...YOU.
DONNA McBRIDE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU...
WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING. WHY ARE YOU, UH...
YOUR NIECE WAS HORRIFIED IN ADVANCE OF THE ACCIDENT.
WHICH MEANS, SANTA JACK, THAT SHE KNEW RANDY
WAS ABOUT TO TAKE THE DEATH PLUNGE
THAT SHE HAD PLANNED FOR YOU.
Donna: NO. NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
I-I COULD NEVER KILL MY UNCLE JACK.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.
Provenza: AND WHO ELSE HAS ACCESS TO HIS PROPERTY,
COULD BURN DOWN THE PLACE WHERE HE STORES HIS FLOAT,
OR FIDDLE WITH HIS BRAKES?
BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ZIP LINES.
WELL, SHE KNEW EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED TO KNOW
AFTER SIGNING OFF ON THE SAFETY AGREEMENT,
INCLUDING HOW THE BRAKES WORK.
AND SHE SAW YOU REHEARSING THE RIDE.
Donna: THIS IS NONSENSE.
WHY WOULD I DO SUCH A TERRIBLE THING?
I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME THAT RANDY AND LISA
COULDN'T AFFORD TO BUY THE NORTH POLE.
MADE ME WONDER JUST HOW MUCH A PLOT OF LAND LIKE THAT
WOULD COST IN L.A.
SO WE DID SOME RESEARCH.
TWO DAYS BEFORE YOUR UNCLE'S CAR ACCIDENT,
THE REAL-ESTATE COMPANY OF BROWN&BARROWS
OFFERED YOU $20 MILLION FOR THE PROPERTY
THAT YOU'RE LEASING TO YOUR UNCLE FOR LIFE.
AND, LO AND BEHOLD, TWO DAYS LATER, HIS MINIVAN CRASHES.
ONE WEEK LATER, BROWN&BARROWS
UPPED THEIR OFFER BY $1 MILLION.
AND YOUR UNCLE BARELY ESCAPED BURNING TO DEATH
ON HIS FLOAT.
THERE'S A PATTERN.
OFFER. BOTULISM.
OFFER. ZIP LINE.
LISTEN TO ME, DONNA. THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GOING TO ARREST YOU FOR MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE
AND THREE COUNTS OF ATTEMPTED SANTACIDE.
BUT IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON,
AND SINCE YOU WEREN'T REALLY TRYING TO KILL SANTA RANDY,
I'M NOT GOING TO PURSUE THE DEATH-PENALTY TRIAL
IF YOU JUST SAY THE MAGIC WORDS.
I OFFERED YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO GIVE UP THAT LEASE.
CHRISTMAS...IS NOT FOR SALE.
YOU IDIOT!
WHAT? I AM NOT AN IDIOT.
YOU DIDN'T TO DRESS UP IN THAT STUPID RED SUIT
AND WAVE AT PEOPLE. IT IS NOT A STUPID RED SUIT!
OHH! YOU ARE NOT A LEGEND!
THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF SANTAS BETTER THAN YOU!
YOU ARE THE WORST ACTOR EVER -- EVER!
YOUNG LADY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'VE WON SIX DRAMA-LOGUE AWARDS!
OH, GOD!
HE IS A DEGENERATE, UNDESERVING BLOWHARD
WHO RUINED EVERY CHRISTMAS FOR ME MY ENTIRE LIFE!
BECAUSE OF HIM, I NEVER EVEN GOT THE CHANCE
TO BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!
YEAH, I WANTED HIM DEAD.
AND IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE, I'LL TRY AND KILL HIM AGAIN!
OH!
OHH!
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO.
ANOTHER $25,000? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE
SINCE YOU WORKED IN THE CITY ATTORNEY'S OFFICE,
BUT DO YOU RECALL
WHAT A PUBLIC SERVANT LIKE CHIEF JOHNSON IS PAID?
I RECALL IT VERY WELL.
THAT'S WHY I LEFT AND GOT INTO PRIVATE PRACTICE,
WHERE, LEST WE FORGET, PEOPLE PAY ME FOR MY SERVICES.
SO FAR, I'VE SAVED THE CITY OVER $500,000.
AND IF I'M FENDING OFF A $50 MILLION AWARD,
PLUS PUNITIVE DAMAGES AGAINST CHIEF JOHNSON,
IN WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED
AS THE BIGGEST LAWSUIT OF ITS KIND
CURRENTLY BEFORE THE FEDERAL BENCH,
MY COMPENSATION SHOULD BE RELATIVE
TO MY EXPENSES AND MY TIME INVOLVED.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
IF YOU ARE TRYING THE BIGGEST LAWSUIT OF ITS KIND
CURRENTLY BEFORE THE FEDERAL BENCH,
THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE ON TELEVISION A LOT AND --
WELL, MY PUBLIC PROFILE IS PART -- I'M STILL TALKING.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
YOU COULD NOT BUY THE KIND OF PUBLICITY
THAT YOU WILL GET FROM THIS CASE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BE THE FIRST RESORT
OF ANY LAW-ENFORCEMENT OFFICER FACING SIMILAR CHARGES,
AND I'M GUESSING YOUR RATES WILL GO UP ACCORDINGLY.
TO BE CLEAR, IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO TAKE THIS PRO BONO,
I GUARANTEE YOU SOMEBODY ELSE WILL BE.
IF WANT TO SET UP YOUR NEXT COMPETITOR, BE OUR GUEST.
WELL, LET'S NOT DRAW THIS OUT.
I DON'T USUALLY WORK FOR FREE,
BUT I LIKE BRENDA, AND I HATE PETER GOLDMAN,
AND MY OFFICE WILL BE IN TOUCH.
BYE-BYE.
OH, WILL...
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME AGAIN.
THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD AFFORD TO PAY FOR THAT. EXCUSE ME.
I COULDN'T HELP BUT OVERHEAR --
C-CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,
BUT ARE YOU UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT CHIEF POPE WAS IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE
FOR PROCURING ME MY LAST RETAINER?
WELL, I KNOW THE CITY DIDN'T VOLUNTEER TO PAY IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND CHIEF POPE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, EITHER.
HE DIDN'T? NO.
THAT MONEY CAME FROM YOUR HUSBAND,
OUT OF AN INHERITANCE HE HAD FROM HIS PARENTS.
I'M SORRY. WHERE WERE WE?
AH, YES, I REMEMBER.
BYE-BYE.
I KNOW YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A SHAM, BUT LOOK AT THIS.
HERE'S ALL THE STUFF SANTA JACK
SAVED FROM KIDS OVER THE YEARS --
THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF LETTERS
FILED ALPHABETICALLY AND BY DATE.
ONE IN PARTICULAR STANDS OUT TO ME.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
MM.
"DEAR SANTA...
"I AM WRITING YOU
"BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD A VERY HARD TIME SINCE WE LOST MY DAD.
"AND SOMEONE STOLE MY BIG BROTHER BUZZY'S BICYCLE,
"AND MOM SAYS WE CAN'T BUY A NEW ONE.
"ALL OF HIS FRIENDS HAVE BIKES, AND HE FEELS LEFT OUT,
"EVEN THOUGH HE ACTS LIKE IT'S OKAY.
"WE STILL LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE WE DID LAST YEAR.
"AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT OVER AFTER THE BIKE,
"I WOULD LIKE A PONY.
"I LOVE YOU, SANTA.
CASEY WATSON."
YOU SEE?
Santa Jack: CAN ANYONE HERE SAY "HALLELUJAH!" 20 MILLION TIMES
REALLY FAST?
[ LAUGHS ]
'CAUSE THAT'S HOW GRATEFUL I AM
FOR THE $20 MILLION
BROWN&BARROWS HAS JUST AGREED TO PAY ME
FOR MY CHRISTMAS VILLAGE!
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER GIVE UP THE NORTH POLE.
WELL, THAT'S BEFORE YOU GUYS
PROVED THAT MY NIECE TRIED TO KILL ME.
NOW SHE NEEDS A LAWYER.
SO I TOLD HER, IF SHE SIGNED THE LAND OVER TO ME,
I'D SELL IT AND HELP HER HIRE ONE.
HERE, HERE. ENJOY.
OH. THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, OH.
DON'T THINK I FORGOT ABOUT YOU, YOUNG FELLA.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT TRUSTY CAMERA OF YOURS,
DONNA WOULD BE PLANNING ON MURDERING ME AGAIN, I'M SURE.
Flynn: SO, TELL US, SANTA,
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA BUILD AT THE NORTH POLE?
WHAT THEY ALWAYS BUILD IN L.A. --
A TEMPERATURE-CONTROLLED INDOOR SHOPPING ENVIRONMENT,
FEATURING LOTS OF RETAIL STORES
ALL CRAMMED NEXT TO EACH OTHER
AND CONNECTED BY AN ESCALATOR AND A FOOD COURT.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SOLD CHRISTMAS.
OH, NONSENSE, BUZZ.
WHAT SAYS CHRISTMAS BETTER THAN A MALL?
MY VERY WORDS, YE MERRY GENTLEMEN --
MY VERY WORDS.
OH...
AND SANTA REMEMBERS YOU, TOO, LOVELY LADY.
OH. SORRY.
A LITTLE CONFETTI THERE. MY FAULT.
Casey: AND DON'T FORGET, BOYS AND GIRLS,
TO TUNE IN ON CHRISTMAS EVE,
WHEN WE WILL BE PLUGGING IN
OUR SPECIALLY MODIFIED DOPPLER 12000 RADAR
TO TRACK SANTA'S PROGRESS
AS HE MAKES HIS JOURNEY ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE
AND INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM AND UNDER YOUR TREE.
I'M CASEY WATSON.
GOOD WEATHER, AND GOOD NIGHT.
Woman: AND WE'RE OUT.
[ Sighing ] OHH.