Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
A single gal spends most of her life searching for the perfect male.
And out of the blue, it arrives.
Aleksandr Petrovsky was a rather famous artist...
with whom I'd had one rather infamous date.
It's been three whole weeks. I thought you died or something.
I did die. From rejection.
How could you have left me on the street all alone?
- It still hurts. - You'll get over it. You're a big boy.
And where did you get this information?
I was in Holland for work.
- Holland? Listen to you. - Been there?
To the land of the wooden shoes? No.
I brought you a little present. Let's sit.
Milk chocolate.
Or perhaps you like dark? I've got it right here.
You don't have a mousetrap in there, do you?
No. Why would I?
I was being silly.
You know, in the cartoons, when they put their hands in the things...
Voilą! Light or dark?
Second only to the search for the perfect male...
is the search for the perfect fragrance.
Am I peppermint musk? No.
Ladies, I'm taking a lover.
Yes. A lover. Aleksandr Petrovsky.
Wait. The old guy?
I beg your pardon.
My lover is not old.
He is worldly, and wise, and very sexy.
- He is sexy. - Very.
Yesterday I almost did it with him on a park bench in front of children.
- What stopped you? - Common decency.
Oh, that.
That and the fact that I'm not lover-ready.
I need a little bikini waxage.
Then snap to it. Don't play hard to get with a man who's hard to get.
Maybe cucumber-basil.
- Why would you want to smell like a salad? - I can't decide what I am.
What do you mean, not old? Charlotte e-mailed me his photo.
Hello, 60.
He is in his lover-perfect early 50s.
Good age. They've been around the block and know how to use their cock.
You rhyme now. Where did you get his picture?
I Googled him. I wanted Miranda to see your potential new boyfriend.
Not boyfriend. Lover.
- How long will you keep saying it like that? - Uncomfortable with my taking a lover?
Maybe he could be more than a lover.
No, the only place this is going is Loverville.
I could see it going somewhere.
Please, listen, half the time I can't even understand him.
We have nothing in common. He's in and out of Europe.
That could be good.
You're not listening. She only wants him to be in and out of her.
Yes, but in a much less obvious-sounding way.
How about pomegranate-patchouli?
- No, you need something classic. Clean. - With just a hint of neurosis.
How about you? Are you finding anything?
I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what Steve might like.
Just get some Old Spice and call it a day.
Steve does not wear Old Spice. He wears nothing, and he smells great.
Miranda and Steve, sitting in a tree...
K-l-S-S-l-N-G.
First comes love... Actually, first comes baby.
Great. Now I have to spend the rest of the day smelling like...
- Apples and hay. - You bastard.
Okay, let's go.
Aren't you going to get something for your new lover?
I suspect he already likes the way I smell.
- How lucky are we? - Very.
If Miranda and Steve had a fragrance...
it would be called "Perfection."
If Miranda, Steve, and Robert, her ex and neighbor, had a fragrance...
it would be called "Less Than Perfection."
In fact, "Awful, Uncomfortable and Terrible."
Hi.
Well, if it isn't the happy couple.
How are you today?
Y'all have a nice day.
The doctor said that Harry and I have to wait at least two months...
before we can even try to get pregnant again.
I'd like to go back to work...
but if I do get pregnant, that's not fair to the new employers, so l...
I'm sleeping and walking. How am I doing that?
That's rude. This is important to me.
I know it's important to you. You know it's important to you.
The homeless guy on the corner at 57th and 7th knows it's important to you.
Can we please talk about something else?
I'll give you $100 to say something bitchy about someone we know.
No!
I'm trying to figure out my next direction. I need to talk about it.
Fine. Talk till my ears bleed.
But do yourself a favor. Stop for a minute and look at the light.
You mean, the fact that no matter what happens with the baby...
Harry and I'll always have each other?
No, Char, the frigging light over there in the park!
When did it become fall?
Somewhere between your ovaries and my boredom.
Imagine being blind...
and not being able to see a beautiful day like today.
Can you think of anything worse?
Stonewashed jeans with a matching jacket.
Maybe I should stop thinking so much about myself...
- and volunteer for the blind or something. - That would be a nice thing to do.
Very Jackie O.
Okay, let me begin.
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, it will hurt a little.
No, that's not the question.
- Are you Russian? - Yes.
See? Hurt a little.
Yes.
I was wondering, how do you say "hello" in Russian?
And how do you say "thank you"?
You're welcome.
The only thing more uncomfortable than a bikini wax...
is an elevator ride with an ex.
Luckily, Miranda had figured out a way to avoid that.
Unfortunately, Robert had also.
Robert. Hi.
Okay, I guess I deserve that.
Robert, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
Steve and I just fell back in love.
And so what was I, your little halftime show?
What?
Not at all.
I never thought that Steve and I would get back together...
or I never would have started up with you. I hope you understand that.
Well, I'll try.
And I hope you understand when you get my bill.
- Your bill? - Yeah, my bill.
For services rendered. You know, my stud fee.
- Robert, come on... - No, it's cool.
I got your scene. You're a busy working mother.
Too tired to go out and eat, call Hunan Kitchen.
Too tired to go out and fuck, call Robert.
- That's not true. - Sure it is.
- Fast food, fast fuck. - You were not a fast fuck.
No, you're right, I wasn't.
I was nice and slow, just the way you liked it.
"Yes, Robert, oh God!
"No man has ever been in this deep."
What are you doing back?
- I gave Robert custody of the elevator. - What?
We're moving my stuff in next week, and you gave him the elevator?
You're lucky I didn't give him Brady. I bumped into him on the stairs.
- How bad was it? - Hug me.
It was that bad?
So we can't ever use the elevator?
Not between 8:00 a.m. And 10:00 p.m.
- We have a baby in a stroller. - I know.
Why did I have to shit where I eat?
- Look, he's just upset. It will blow over. - I don't think so, Steve.
The man is crazy in love with me, and now he's acting out...
talking about how I said no man's ever been in me that deep.
- What? - Nothing.
Nothing. I'm fine.
Wednesday night, after dinner...
I took the express elevator to Loverville.
You speak Russian very well.
Is that the only word you know?
Yes, that is the only word you know.
There's my studio, and here is my house.
- You have the entire floor? - Not at first, but over the years.
This used to be some kind of sewing factory or sweatshop in the 1920s.
That's a lovely story.
Very nice, if you like that whole window-sky thing.
Yes, it's lovely light in the morning.
Study and kitchen.
Would you like some fruit, or a martini or something?
Why don't you show me upstairs?
My Russian may have been shaky...
but I discovered I spoke lover very well.
Turns out I'd found a sweet bed-and-breakfast in Loverville.
Good morning.
Where...
Morning. Come, sit.
In the light of day, everything looked completely different.
Would you like some coffee?
What kind?
Regular.
Regular coffee is for regular people.
You are not regular.
- I hope I'm not in the way. - What way?
That's Violette, Padma, Lee. Hey, everybody.
This is Carrie.
It's my staff. Without them, I would be sitting in the street with a sign:
"I will do art for food."
Speaking of food...
pancakes for the lady.
Hope you're hungry.
Aren't you gonna eat?
No, I'm done. I'm off to Amsterdam, remember?
Yeah, right.
Maybe before I leave, I'll have one more little bite.
There I was, having pancakes at IHOP...
the International House Of Petrovsky's.
And they just went on about their business, totally unfazed.
Honey, they've seen it all. You've gotta give it to him.
Making pancakes for pussy, that's a classy touch.
What? You don't think you're the first babe he battered up for?
No, you're right. The whole thing was so choreographed.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
Sounds good to me. I miss a man with the moves.
So Smith, no moves?
No, he has them. Most of them I've given him, but he has them.
Truth time? I'm a little jealous.
Of what? My Grand Slam Breakfast?
You've got yourself a man, a real power player.
Someone who takes charge, drags you to the bed...
has his way with you, doesn't have to ask what you want, and fucks you.
We're not talking about me anymore, are we?
No. I mean, Smith, he's hot, but he's a baby.
He's almost 30.
Still, I swear, sometimes I don't know whether to blow him or burp him.
I need a grownup.
So, how were they?
The pancakes? Delicious. Exactly what I wanted, I couldn't get enough.
No, I was referring to the moves.
Delicious. Exactly what I wanted, I couldn't get enough.
Good for you.
So how many pancakes do you think that kitchen has seen?
Does it matter?
In the cold, harsh reality of daylight...
I knew it didn't matter.
But in the colder, harsher reality of a woman...
who'd just slept with someone she likes, it did.
Google.com showed many, many listings...
on the art of Aleksandr Petrovsky...
and one on his many, many women.
According to certain scientists, whenever a woman has sex...
her body produces a chemical which causes her to emotionally attach.
This chemical may also account...
for the series of terrifying questions that involuntarily pop into our minds...
after just one casual tryst.
Questions like, "Does he like me?
"Will he call again?"
And the classic, "Where is this all going?"
When it comes to men, even when we try to keep it light...
I got this invite to a party.
Teen Posse's throwing it.
"Top 30 under 30." I'm one of them.
- Want to go? - Teen Posse and me? No, and no.
My agent and my manager really want me to go.
Will you at least look at the invite and tell me how lame it is?
The party may have been all wrong...
but it was being hosted by Richard Wright.
What? Lame-ass?
No, not so lame-ass.
Richard Wright is a big name in the hotel business.
He brings a certain something.
And it was exactly the certain something that Samantha was missing.
You should go. In fact, I'll go with you.
- What the hell? - Cool.
And I'm not allowed to try and get pregnant for another two months.
- So you said. - And I thought...
I have all this time on my hands to volunteer.
Okay, working as a guide for a visually impaired person...
is a serious undertaking.
We suggest all our potential volunteers go to a public place, like a park...
or a department store, with a friend...
and let him or her lead you around blindfolded.
- Blindfolded? - Yeah.
Try not to take the blindfold off, no matter how uncomfortable you feel...
and you'll begin to get a sense of what it's like not to be able to rely on your sight.
Okay, bye.
- Where can this possibly go? - Thought you didn't want it to go anywhere.
That was before I slept with him. Now I'm not so sure.
- Interesting. - No, ridiculous.
And according to my new best friend, Google. Com...
You Googled him!
The man has dated every woman in New York...
from 1977 until last Wednesday.
And who knows how many pancakes he's making for other women around the world?
Oh, my God, listen to me, and I've only slept with him once.
Okay, let's get blind.
So once I put this over my eyes, I can't take it off.
- I need you to guide me. - I'm there.
- This is embarrassing. - No.
Thinking you can take a lover is embarrassing. This is helping people.
How's my hair?
That's a European code. It's him. Should I answer it?
Okay.
- Hello? - Carrie, it's Aleks.
- Hi! How's Amsterdam? - It's very Dutch.
What? I can't hear you.
I need better reception, I'm going to go right over there. Don't go away.
I'm sorry.
- Tomorrow night? - At 9:00, yes?
- This is an impossible connection. - What?
- Reception is very bad. - Bad reception, yes.
- Tomorrow, are you free? - Yes, I'm free.
- Sorry, I can't quite hear you. - I'm free!
- All right then. Tomorrow, about 9:00. - Yes, I will be there.
Carrie?
Hello?
Sweetie?
Would you like to sample Lumiere?
- Do you need some assistance? - No, thank you. I'm trying to help the blind.
I just got separated from my friend, but I'm sure she'll find me.
- Lumiere? - No, bad.
Sorry.
And there in the dark...
Charlotte realized she had no idea where she was going...
in Barneys or in life.
But sometimes, even if you're not sure of your direction...
you can find your way to something wonderful.
You know, they have these over there...
I swear, I looked and looked...
and then I thought, "Best if she finds me."
- I'm meeting him tomorrow. Cute, huh? - Yeah.
Okay.
Let's just go to the front of the line, like I suggested.
- I don't like pushing in front of people. - Grow up.
Smith Jerrod. We're on the list.
Oh, my God, awesome!
Love your hair. Let me just check you off.
- And you are? - Samantha Jones.
Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?
Dude?
He's with me.
- I'm sorry. Richard Wright. - Smith Jerrod.
Let's get some drinks, shall we?
So, how long you been babysitting?
Said the man hosting the Teen Posse party.
Don't rub it in. Hotels have to stay hip, so I have to bend over backwards...
tone the taints of these trendy little pissants.
Well, you look good.
That's because I'm looking at you, gorgeous.
Two more Scotch Rocks.
What's up?
- Can I get you a Scotch? - No, thanks, man. I'm in AA.
You kids today.
So, how do you two know each other?
We used to go out.
And then I fucked it up royally. Lost the best thing I ever had.
Oh, my God, Smith! You have to come.
Paulie is snotting pretzels out of his nose.
- You have to come, it's fucking hilarious! - Let's go, come on!
- Paulie is snotting pretzels out his nose. - Fuck you.
Okay, this is the last load.
For a guy with no stuff, you got stuff.
Let's get the TV first.
What the fuck!
That wasn't like that when we moved it in here.
- Oh, my God! Robert. - What?
No. You think?
Hello? He's mad, your name is on the boxes, he lives in the building.
No, it doesn't seem like him. I must have bumped it or something.
Steve, he's crazy in love with me.
You didn't see how angry he was on the stairs.
Okay, this is bullshit. I'm not gonna live like this.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take care of things.
Be kind. He's still in love with me.
Look, I need to talk to you about this whole Miranda thing.
What about it?
I'll be right back, baby.
Turns out Petrovsky wasn't the only one with an international house.
We're sorry.
She's sorry, I'm sorry. We're sorry.
I appreciate that.
What happened?
Let's just put it this way. He won't be bothering us again.
Was he very upset?
When it came to Robert...
Steve thought it was kinder to leave Miranda in the dark.
Where you going, babe?
Richard wanted to show me one of his remodeled suites.
Cool. Can I come?
No, Smith, you can't come.
Look, this was fun, but where is it going?
Gorgeous?
You go play with your friends, and I'll go play with mine.
Two years ago, I was on top of the fucking world.
Now I'm hosting a bullshit beer-bash for a bunch of pinheads with six-pack abs.
This is a world-class hotel.
Fuck it, I've been down this low before.
Richard may have, but Samantha hadn't.
I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I hate myself for doing this to you.
It's okay.
Come on. Let's get you out of here.
Even in the dark, Smith could still see Samantha...
and for the very first time, she saw him.
I have some work to do in my studio...
but you're welcome to stay, okay?
It was at that moment I realized...
I wasn't really comfortable in Loverville.
I'm not that kind of Google.
Hi.
I just wanted to say thank you. I'm gonna go.
Okay, then I'll call you tomorrow, all right?
This has been really lovely...
but I don't think I'm cut out for it.
I don't understand.
The pancakes and...
the other ladies...
It's just not for me.
There are pancakes, but no other ladies.
I have a book with a few emergency telephone numbers, yes...
but now I just see you.
This is not about a quick bang.
I just like you.
Why me?
You make a good breakfast.
So what's all this?
It's too soon to tell.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew