Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
I didn't go to my high school reunion.
So when my high-school sweetheart called me for a reunion...
I was curious to see...
if he looked like the boy I used to make out with in front of my locker.
Can you tell me how to get to Chemistry class?
Actually, he looked better.
My God, Jeremy!
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Wow! You look great!
I knew you looked great 'cause I saw you on the cover of your book.
But I have to say, even better in person.
God, I'm so glad you called.
I'm going to be spending the month in Connecticut, so...
I had to look you up.
How are you? I heard you married somebody that you met in business school.
Yeah. I got divorced, like, two years ago.
Really miscalculated that one.
So I'm on my own again.
How about you? Are you seeing anybody or...
- Nope. Wide open. - How is that possible?
My high school boyfriend spoiled me for life.
Right. Me and my AMC Pacer.
Oh, the Pacer! Oh, man!
- I put our names down for a table. - Great.
Look, earlier you said maybe you might have dinner plans.
Was that in case I turned out to be a...
Yeah, maybe.
But my fictional plans fell through...
so I'm available.
Miranda had no plans that night...
so she was thrilled when her cute, new neighbor stopped by.
I didn't expect you home on a Saturday night.
Motherhood.
So what's my excuse?
I just got Brady to sleep.
- Now, do you sing to him? - Only if he's been bad.
Listen, I have these two courtside seats...
for the Knicks charity game at the Garden next Friday night.
- Would you want to go? - I would love to.
Great.
- Great. I'll look for you there. - Okay.
- Thanks so much. - Good night.
You, too.
Miranda wasn't sure if it was a charity game or just charity.
I didn't even ask what you were doing in Connecticut.
Nothing, for a change.
I spent the last decade working my ass off in Denver...
so I decided to take a month off.
Spend some time at sea level.
So I've just been relaxing in the country, sorting through some things, you know.
Sometimes you need to get away.
Sometimes you wonder why you stayed away so long.
Well, this is my place.
- It's a nice place. - Yeah, I love it here.
I feel like I want to kiss you, but I...
- I don't know what... - I know. It's very unclear.
I mean, this isn't a first date. We've already dated.
- And we've kissed. - Many times.
- Hours. - We were in a lip-lock for most of 1982.
So...
what's one more kiss?
You mean business.
That's a lot better without the gearshift sticking up my ass.
It was a romantic, hot summer night...
followed by a miserable, hot summer day...
which was the fourteenth miserable, hot summer day in a row.
- Samantha Jones. How are you? - Great, Phoebe. How are you?
Refreshed. We just dropped by the Soho House for a dip.
I mean, what else can you possibly do in this heat...
except sit by the pool and drink cocktails while they mist you with Evian.
- Isn't it the best? - It's fabulous.
I'm running to a lunch, otherwise I'd be up there myself.
Toodles.
There's a pool a block from my apartment and I can't get in.
- What pool? - At the Soho House.
You have to be a member and I'm on a bullshit wait list.
- Don't they know who you are? - And, more importantly, who we are...
who need to be at the pool with you.
You know, in high school, all you had to do was jump a fence...
and you could be in somebody's pool.
Speaking of high school, I saw my high-school sweetheart...
and I think I might like him. Again.
- Is that crazy? - No, I love this.
You could end up with your high-school boyfriend.
Okay, let's not jump the gun.
It was the best date I've had in a long time and I wasn't even thinking it was a date.
- When he kissed me good night... - He kissed you good night?
It was wild.
Because I actually remembered what it felt like to kiss him.
Imagine if you slept with him. Talk about a homecoming.
No!
- We never went all the way. - Why not?
Because we were kids. We wanted to wait.
And now, I think we've waited long enough.
You're marrying him.
Will you stop? He doesn't even live in New York. He lives in Denver.
- People move. It would be so romantic. - Or tragic. Seriously.
If I had the guy in high school...
what have I been doing for the past 20 years?
Why did you two break up?
I broke up because I thought, "There must be better guys out there."
Turns out, there aren't.
That night I started thinking about my retro relationship.
Since high school, most women I know...
have acquired much better taste in clothes, hairstyles, and food.
But what about in men?
Maybe we were better off when we thought less and kissed more.
Have we graduated past our ability to find true love?
When it comes to matters of the heart, did we have it right in high school?
Samantha was too cool to belong to any clubs in high school...
so she refused to believe that any club was too cool for her now.
Especially since New York in August is not cool at all.
- May I help you? - I hope so.
I'd like to know what's holding up my membership.
I've been on the wait list since June.
Yes, I'm sorry, but we are not currently admitting any new members.
The pool is so fabulous, we're at capacity every day.
- Do you know who I am? - No, I don't.
But we can't accommodate you right now.
Can I at least use the restroom before I go, or is there a wait list for that as well?
Down the corridor on your left, the door marked "WC."
Miss, did you leave your card on the sink?
Oh, yes. Yes, I did. Thank you so much.
Since they didn't seem to know who she was at the Soho House...
she figured she could be Annabelle Bronstein.
The next day, Samantha tested the waters with her fake ID.
Excuse me, can I get you something to drink, Miss Bronstein?
Yes, but I'll just pay cash.
And please, call me Annabelle.
Meanwhile, a fight was about to break out in the cafeteria.
But this time, Cafeteria was a trendy restaurant in Chelsea.
- Thank you. - God, I hate him.
Come on, we're going over there.
- Why? - Because you're in a tank top.
Really.
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
You're here. What a small world.
That's Chelsea for you. Can't swing a dick without running into someone you know.
We'd love to stay and chat, but we have to go get our tuxes for the prom.
Did you say "the prom"?
Yes, it's a big fundraiser at the gay-lesbian-bi-transgender center.
- I'm on the decorations committee. - What's the theme, "Queer and Queerer"?
I have the best memories of my prom. I was the prom queen.
Of course you were, darling.
- I missed my prom in high school because... - You were gay.
No. My girlfriend and I broke up the night before because...
You were gay.
- No, I wasn't gay until... - You were born.
Never mind. Goodbye, Charlotte.
- Bye. - Bye, Marcus.
Those two should be going to the gay-lesbian-and-prostitute prom.
- Be nice. - What?
I happen to know that Marcus used to be a gay escort.
- He was not. - Honey, wake up and smell the K-Y.
I was flipping through a vintage issue of Honcho.
I saw his ad in the Rauncho section. He called himself Paul.
Worst hustler name I ever heard.
He and Stanford are in love.
Well, according to Honcho, he used to be in love all over town.
- You are mistaken. - There's a picture. I'll send you the ad.
- I don't want to see it. - I'm sending it, prom queen.
- What can I get you? - Cute waiter.
I wish I didn't know this.
Do you think Stanford knows?
Probably not, so maybe we shouldn't talk about it in Madison Square Garden.
I don't think that these people know those people.
- Look at how cute he is. - He is gorgeous.
He looked at me. Did you see him look at me?
- He totally likes you. - You think?
Look at these seats.
You're right. These seats are too good to be casual.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Knicks City Dancers.
Did I ever tell you I was a cheerleader?
No, because you knew I would mock you endlessly.
Did you used to do that?
No, we just did some herkies and some kicks.
- What is she doing? - The blonde one in front?
- She's flirting with your boyfriend. - He's not my boyfriend.
What is she, like, 21?
It was Friday night, it was the big game...
and Miranda was jealous of a cheerleader.
Two hours later, the game ended and Miranda felt like the loser.
Okay, let's just go.
No, you have to go over there and talk to him.
- He's talking to her. - You are better than her.
Go on. You can do it.
- Are you gonna do a herkie now? - Just you go over there and flirt a little bit.
Go. Go.
The Knicks and Madison Square Garden thank you for coming.
Have a safe trip home.
That's it. I'm out.
Meanwhile, I invited Jeremy to come over and watch a movie...
which in high school was code for, "Come over and make out."
And happily, it still was.
I've gotta run. Last train leaves in half an hour.
I think you should stay.
I think we should go all the way.
- All the way? - We never did.
And now we can, and your mother won't walk in with her laundry and her TaB.
That's true.
Carrie, I need to be honest with you about something.
That's the worst thing you can hear from someone you really like.
I'm not really just taking time off.
I'm sort of in a...
mental institution.
No, actually, that's the worst thing you can hear.
I wanted a man who would commit, not a man who was committed.
Apparently, we have to be more specific.
- But how is he able to see you? - Did he escape?
No, he's voluntary.
He says it's not really a mental institution...
it's a therapeutic community.
- Which one? - Juno-Spears.
That's supposed to be a good one. I've had clients go there.
Really? Why haven't we heard about that?
Because I'm good at my job. No one wants to admit they're in a loony bin.
- On a first date. - It's all humiliating.
Think about what we have to go through to date.
I am 38, and I am competing with a cheerleader.
And even when you get the guy, you never know what fun surprise might be revealed.
Let me tell you something, ladies.
In a good relationship, there are no surprises.
I know everything about Marcus, and Marcus knows everything about me.
I don't think he knows everything.
What?
Charlotte, like all girls, learned at an early age...
that the only way to get rid of information you don't want to have...
is to pass it on.
Oh, my God! Is this real?
Anthony found it in an old issue of Honcho magazine.
Let me see that.
Oh, my! Is that Marcus?
- What is that? - Nothing.
Okay, hand it over.
Where did this come from?
Someone better tell me where this came from right now. I'm not kidding.
- I got it from Carrie. - I got it from Miranda.
- I got it from Charlotte. - I got it from Anthony...
but I told him you and Marcus were very much in love.
Charlotte was still a cheerleader for love.
But like the Knicks, her team was having a bad season.
Well, you think you know somebody...
Excuse me, which one of you is Annabelle Bronstein?
- I am. - Well, that's impossible.
Miss Bronstein is in London for the week.
No, I am Annabelle Bronstein.
And she's British.
As I was saying, dear sir...
I am Annabelle Bronstein.
I'm fairly certain you're not Annabelle. I've spoken to her on the phone.
I am absolutely Annabelle Bronstein...
and I do not pay $900 annually...
to be treated like this.
Now, ring round the waiter and have him tally up the drinks.
- What's with the accent? - She's got a case of the Madonnas.
I'm sorry, but I know for a fact that Annabelle lost her card.
Yes, I thought I did...
but it was on top of the telly.
And Miss Bronstein is from Sussex, as am I...
and I'd venture to guess that you are not, in fact, from the UK.
That's true.
I was raised in Inja.
On any given day, there are a lot of versions of "crazy" right here in New York.
Today, Annabelle Bronstein had multiple personalities...
and at least two accents.
Hey, Hobbes. Where did you disappear to after the game?
I was gonna thank you, but you were talking to that girl.
- What girl? - Some cheerleader.
- Do you like her? - No.
I like someone else.
You.
This cheered Miranda up immediately.
Now, see, how would I know that?
Well...
Would it be any clearer...
if I did this?
- Hi, Mrs. McCaffrey. - Hello, Mrs. McCaffrey.
I wanted you to have these. Marbles.
In case I lose any more of mine, I want to know where I can find a stash.
- How are you? Do you want to come in? - She asked with trepidation.
No, I think it's great what you're doing...
I know I probably threw you for a loop the other day, but...
I should probably just come right out and say something about this, but I...
Truth is, I haven't worked out my rap on it yet.
- Well, it's a tough thing to slip in. - Yeah, it is.
"Hi, I might be crazy. Would you like to share an appetizer?"
The thing is, I think I made it sound worse than it is.
If you saw Juno-Spears, you'd see it's not a cuckoo's nest.
It's more like Canyon Ranch for the brain.
- Do they have pilates? - They do have pilates.
I don't want to lie to you. I am going through some pretty heavy stuff.
I mean, soul-searching, really.
Trying to figure out why...
some things seem to be harder for me than they are for other people.
I think my family has something to do with it.
- It's good to blame the parents, right? - Right.
So I figured I could spend the next five years in therapy...
or spend the next month and deal with it intensively right now.
It's just more efficient.
- You make a very good case. - That's what my doctors say.
Well, that's it. Ta-da!
I just wanted to explain myself so that...
I didn't become known eternally as that nut case you dated back in high school.
How about "my high-school boyfriend who was the best kisser ever"?
I could live with that.
You're not bad yourself, either, you know.
That night we went all the way. And we weren't the only ones.
The next afternoon, my other crazy boyfriend stopped by.
It's true. Marcus was a gay escort.
- But he's been off the market since 1992. - So you talked about it?
Yes, and he says he did it just to put himself through dance classes.
- But if that's true, then why keep it a secret? - Maybe he was embarrassed.
Yes, but it's not the escort thing...
but the secret thing that's bothering me. I was the last to know.
I don't want to hear the truth from some bitchy queen with back issues of Honcho.
So...
we broke up.
- Stanny, really? - Yes.
And right before the prom.
And I still have to go, because I'm on the decorations committee.
And I have no date. Again.
- When is it? - Tomorrow night.
Will you please go with me?
I can't. I have to visit my boyfriend at the asylum.
Of course you do.
He wants me to see the place for myself. It's supposed to be like Canyon Ranch.
- Honey. - I know.
- But I like him. - You'd have to.
Who are we to say, he's got issues, he's getting help?
Usually, that's considered a good thing. It's New York. Everybody's insane.
- You slept with him, didn't you? - Yes.
That's where the problems begin.
You sleep with someone, you start rationalizing away all the red flags.
At least he was honest about it.
Yes, unlike Paul.
Apparently, the Juno-Spears Center was harder than the Soho House to get into.
Or out of.
Even as a visitor, I could see how this was a very relaxing place to get away to.
It's kind of nice, huh?
There are great hiking trails all around here.
- Maybe later we can do a hike. - I don't really hike.
Neither do I. But I will fill you in on something I discovered.
Hiking is walking.
- Really? - Yes, hiking is walking.
I started to think maybe the Juno-Spears Center...
should be mandatory for New Yorkers.
Like the Hamptons or Fire Island.
Feces!
I guess that doesn't happen very often at Canyon Ranch.
I've never been. It might.
Who am I kidding? This is a full-on psychiatric facility.
With pilates.
- You're definitely the sanest person here. - Thank you.
That's like being the best house on a bad block.
People would advise you against buying it.
Maybe it wasn't the wisest thing to start something while I was still in here.
Maybe when I get out...
in eight to ten months...
Eight to ten months?
My doctor still thinks I have a lot of work to do.
To be honest with you, I'm comfortable here. I kind of like it.
I like that everybody's craziness is out in the open.
- I loved seeing you. - I loved seeing you again.
But I understand.
We're just in very different places right now.
Ironically, it was the sanest breakup I ever had.
And now, the Queen and Queen of our prom...
Carrie Bradshaw and Stanford Blatch.
- Oh, my God! I love this song. - Me, too.
Thank you very much.
This is my best prom ever. Thank you for coming.
Believe me, I'm glad to be back with the normal people.
You know the craziest thing of all?
I somehow thought that after everything I've been through...
I might end up with my high-school boyfriend.
I don't think my story's going to get tied up like that.
- Your boyfriend might get tied up. - And taken away.
Okay, no more jokes. I might be dating him in eight to ten months.
May I cut in?
No, thank you. I already have an escort.
Honey, I didn't tell you because it's part of my past.
It's not who I am anymore.
I was really messed up back then, but I've got it together now.
And it's prom night. We have to have a dance.
Why don't I get some punch?
Just tell me one thing.
Did you ever, ever sleep with that little bitchy pine nut, Anthony?
No. God, no.
So, maybe it won't look the way you thought it would look in high school.
But it's good to remember love is possible.
Anything is possible. This is New York.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew