Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
The single New Yorker's weekend is all about buying.
The latest Vogue, fresh flowers...
and gifts for previously-single New Yorkers.
Hi. I'm here for the Welker wedding registry.
I'll take the Newport soup ladle and three Bimini steak knives.
The baby Peck list?
The burpy blanket.
Okay, what is left?
Fine, I'll take four espresso cups and a pepper grinder.
Yeah, okay, the Little Me activity chair.
That night, Stanford and I were invited to celebrate the arrival of baby boy Bronson...
latest son of Kyra and Chuck.
- Easy, baby girl. - Sorry.
Hey, what you got in there, Stanny?
The Peter Rabbit dish set with matching bib.
Dang, you snagged that!
Thanks to you, I was left with the Little Me chair.
And get this. I also got him a CD of Free to Be... You and Me
I loved Marlo Thomas! I played that album all through the fifth grade.
I wanted to run as fast as the wind.
I played William Wants A Doll so many times...
I almost turned my little sister into a gay man.
Welcome to the party. I'm Margo, Kyra's sister.
The gifts go over on the table, and the shoes go there.
Kyra and Chuck don't like outside dirt coming in.
The twins are always picking things up off the floor.
But this is an outfit.
They'd really appreciate it.
Good thing I wore my party socks.
Jeez, if I'd known I was gonna be shoeless...
I would have compensated with a big hat or something.
Okay.
Well, now I'm so teeny I might bump my head on the coffee table.
Watch out, Little Me.
Our hostess, Kyra Bronson, had made a name for herself in the early '90s...
taking pictures of anorexic actresses on beds at the Chelsea Hotel.
Hey, you two.
Now she took pictures of fat babies in buckets.
We come from the East 70s, bearing gifts. Where is the blessed child?
The baby's in his room. You can't miss him. He looks just like Chuck...
except without that sad, closed-up hole in his ear when he pierced it in the '80s.
- Anyway, here. - Thank you.
I've gotta go. Other people need drinks, and by "others," I mean me.
Hey, Milo, Allegra!
Waiter, there's a baby in my drink.
Uptown, Miranda was putting her foot down in her co-op board meeting.
Look, we all want to find the perfect tenant for $10,000.
All I'm asking is that we not prolong the interview.
Whatever decision we make about Dr. Robert Leeds, let's make it quick.
I've got a baby downstairs getting over the chicken pox.
I have a cataract.
- Hello. Come in, won't you? - Hi.
Yes, hi.
And suddenly, Miranda wasn't so bored at her board meeting.
- Hi, I'm Miranda Hobbes. - Hi.
And this is everybody else.
And I'm Robert Leeds, but you probably know that already...
along with my social security number and my jacket size.
So, Robert, you're a doctor for the Knicks?
Yeah, guilty as charged.
- How long have you had... - Hey, you've had a great season.
I take it you're not a basketball fan.
Well, you've got me there. I'm a baseball person.
- Yankees or Mets? - Please, Yankees.
- Should have known. - And what is that supposed to mean?
- On Page 4 of your tax return... - Lynn, please.
We'll get to it.
While Miranda was playing a game of pick-up...
You tell him I'll do depositions Friday, but only if my client is ready.
...Charlotte was picking up as well.
Exactly. What, you gonna push me on this? Don't push me!
Because if you push me, then I push back. I don't have to produce my client for this...
Charlotte knew when Harry moved in, he would unpack his bags.
She wasn't expecting the teabags.
And everything else?
Why are you hocking me on this? Can you not hear what I'm saying to you?
I'll repeat this slowly. Open your ears, Reg, here it comes.
I don't think so! Clear?
One tax return and a half hour of eyelash-batting later...
- It was really nice to meet you. - You, too.
And I won't hold that Mets thing against you.
I appreciate that.
Well, he's perfect!
Frankly, I am concerned about his financials.
His alimony payments are awfully high.
And he's never owned before.
You people are crazy.
It's the single ones who always throw the wild parties with all the girls.
Okay, I think we all know what's not being said here.
The unspoken thing was that Robert was cute and Miranda was horny.
And then we saw the most amazing house...
I swear, I had no idea who we were bidding against.
You liar. You two know everything.
That's true. We got the house...
but we could not get a table at Nick & Tony's for the rest of the summer.
Well, it's getting late.
Oh, my! We have held you guys captive.
No, we've had a swell time. It's just...
It's midnight, he's gay. He has to start his night.
- Anyway, congrats on the baby. - Thanks.
Yeah, he's just precious.
- Okay, bye. - Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Then, of course, our landscaper takes off with half of our trees.
We might have been one foot out the door, but my shoes appeared to have already left.
Then they told us, "That's what you get for stealing Billy Joel's firewood."
- Was there another room for the shoes? - No.
- Mine seem to have gone missing. - That's crazy.
God, Carrie, I'm sorry. I just can't imagine where your shoes went.
You know, Jennifer was wearing sandals. Perhaps she took yours by mistake.
Actually, they weren't sandals. They were Manolos.
I'm sure they'll turn up. I can loan you some shoes to go home in.
They say you shouldn't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
I made it six blocks.
The next day, over dessert...
I was still not over the fact that my shoes had deserted me.
These were new Manolos. I hadn't even done a full lap around the party.
I don't play favorites with my shoes...
but these were very special.
Who would steal shoes from a party?
Someone size 7 with excellent taste.
Why in hell did you take your shoes off to begin with?
We had to for their kids.
Apparently we drag things in on our heels that make children sick.
Please, it's children who drag the germs around.
Brady got the chicken pox courtesy of some kid who licked him at the playground.
Oh, my God!
Kyra must have been mortified.
Actually, I kept waiting for the mortification that never came.
She said they might turn up and sent me home.
Those shoes are not turning up anywhere but a pawn shop in Brooklyn.
Stop. I'm gonna cry in my flan.
So that's it? They're just gone?
Boo-hoo?
- Legally, she owes you for them. - I can't ask her to pay for my shoes.
Why not?
If you gave a party and told her to leave her baby outside in the hall...
and her baby was missing at the end of the night, believe me, there'd be payback.
That is the craziest thing I've ever heard! Children are not shoes.
I know. I'm not saying it.
You have every right to be upset about your shoes.
I am so sick of these people with their children.
I'm telling you, they're everywhere.
Sitting next to me in first class, eating at the next table at John...
Look at that.
This place is for double cappuccinos, not double strollers.
I'm sorry.
Hey, no need to apologize. I wouldn't bring Brady here.
Mommy needs two hands to eat her $8 cake.
- You're not gonna defend children? - No, I don't like any children but my own.
Look at that dirty little rugrat.
That's just chocolate.
All children are beautiful, but not as beautiful as Brady.
That's true.
Hey, so how goes the big matrimonial move-in?
Good. Harry's moved most of his stuff in. It's going well.
And I'm just trying to learn to compromise, because sometimes I can be a little rigid.
That's not true.
There's just one thing and it's small, but it really grosses me out.
We have a teabag situation.
I understand. Just breathe through your nose.
- When you're sucking his balls. - What? No!
I was talking about... Harry leaves his old teabags around the house.
I thought you meant "tea bagging," when you hold a guy's balls in your mouth.
Why is it called... Oh, I get it!
Because they hang, and the dipping.
Oh, great. Now I've lost my shoes and my appetite.
This is very good.
You now what I love about living with you, besides those nutty soaps in the bathroom?
- What? - Living with you.
Honey...
- I need to talk to you. - What's up, baby?
I really don't mean to be a nag, but it's just, well...
It's this.
- Tea? - No, teabags.
You leave them all over the house, and they stain.
Maybe you could just try to be a little more careful.
- Damn! I though I was doing so well, too. - What do you mean?
I've been really trying to watch my ass, now that I'm living in your house.
It's our house now. I want you to be yourself.
Yeah, well, myself is pretty much a bull in a china shop.
Then you're a bull in our china shop.
It's a bull.
- I get it. - Just making sure.
Hold it.
Hey, Yankee.
Welcome to the building.
I have a feeling you had a little something to do with that.
Let's just say you owe me bigtime.
You have a pock.
What?
- On your face, right there. - Oh, my God!
I must have gotten it from my kid.
- Oh, I thought you were single. - I am.
It was the perfect first conversation.
Minus the pock.
All right, give me the lotion and cotton balls. Stat.
- You don't really say "stat"? - No, but it sounds good, doesn't it?
So this is the little germ-disseminator.
Also known as Brady. Run while you're still breathing.
No, it's okay. I had the chicken pox when I was four. Hey, where are you going?
He's a winner. I really want one of these some day.
He looks just like you.
- You think? - Oh, yeah.
Okay, Mama.
- You know, I could do this myself. - Yeah, but I'm a professional.
Magda, this is Dr. Robert Leeds. He's moving in upstairs.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
- I'll take baby from there. - Okay.
You got another one.
Okay, Miss Hobbes, I think you'll live. But no scratching. Doctor's orders.
Okey-doke.
For Miranda, Robert was just what the doctor ordered.
Hey, Carrie, what a surprise.
I was in the neighborhood. I thought you might want these back.
You didn't have to return these. I had forgotten all about them.
- Any news on my shoes? - No. It's weird.
So, this Jennifer... Did you ever find her sandals?
What?
Well, if she took my shoes, she would have left her sandals.
Just being a bit of a shoe detective here.
I haven't heard from her.
Oh, my gosh, Carrie, I am such a shit! I should have offered to pay you for them.
No, you don't have to do that.
You know, you have kids and you lose all sense of social decency.
- Come in. - Okay.
Milo, honey, put your trucks back for Mommy.
So how much were they?
$485.
Come on, Carrie. That's insane.
Well, that's what they cost.
I'll give you $200.
Okay, this is an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry. I just think that's crazy to spend that much on shoes.
You know how much Manolos are. You used to wear Manolos.
Sure, before I had a real life.
But Chuck and I have responsibilities now: Kids, houses...
$485, wow!
I have a real life.
No offense, but I don't think we should have to pay for your extravagant lifestyle.
I mean, it was your choice to buy shoes that expensive.
Yes, but it wasn't my choice to take them off.
They're just shoes.
Shoes.
She shoe-shamed me. I left there covered in shame.
She's a fucking bitch!
But she isn't, that's the thing. She's become this whole other person.
It's like she's had two caesarians and a lobotomy.
She owes you for those shoes.
No, it's not about the money. I don't care about that.
I'm talking about a woman's right to shoes.
Why did she have to shame me?
Because she's trapped in a hell of her own making.
No, wait, that's me.
I am dying to scratch these! But if I do, it'll be worse.
How are they today?
Biblical. There's literally a pox on my house.
If there wasn't a Jules & Mimi marathon on BBC America this weekend...
I'd have jumped out the window.
Hey, speaking of handsome black men, have you spotted any more of Dr. Knicks?
Don't say "spot."
No. As a leper, I'm laying low.
But according to my sources, he's officially in the building.
Is it bad that my life is filled with shoes and not children?
Stop it!
And she is a fucking bitch for making you feel this way.
Oh, God!
When we were young...
Marlo Thomas sang to us about accepting each other and our differences.
But then we got older and started singing a different tune.
We stopped celebrating each other's life choices and started qualifying them.
Is acceptance really such a childish concept?
Or did we have it right all along?
When did we stop being free to be you and me?
The next morning, Charlotte learned just how free the real Harry could be.
Oh the shark has pretty teeth, dear
And he shows them pearly white
- Morning. - Hi.
- Are you gonna take a shower? - In a little while.
Apparently, it took next to nothing to make Harry feel comfortable.
Charlotte felt completely trapped.
She wanted to see Harry be himself in her home.
She just didn't need to see that much of him.
Meanwhile, I decided to bare all to Kyra.
- Hello. - Hey, Kyra, it's Carrie.
Listen...
I feel weird about what happened the other day.
We've been friends a really long time...
and I just want to clear the air.
Oh, my God, Carrie, I'd forgotten about that days ago.
Well, I didn't. I've been thinking a lot about it, and...
Man, you must have a lot of time on your hands. Milo!
Pants stay on. I'm serious! Penises stay in the bathroom.
Carrie, can you hold on for one second? I'll be right back. Thanks.
Hello.
Hello, Santa.
You know what, I am Santa. I did a little mental addition...
and over the years, I have bought Kyra an engagement gift, a wedding gift.
Then there was the trip to Maine for the wedding, three baby gifts.
In toto, I have spent over $2,300...
celebrating her choices.
And she is shaming me...
for spending a lousy $485 on myself?
Yes, I did the math.
But those were gifts.
I mean, if you got married or had a child, she'd spend the same on you.
And if I don't ever get married or have a baby, what?
I get bupkis?
Think about it. If you are single, after graduation...
there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you.
- We have birthdays. - No, we all have birthdays.
That's a wash. I am talking about the single gal.
Hallmark doesn't make...
a congratulations-you-didn't-marry- the-wrong-guy card.
And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?
You're right!
Why should I get wedding gifts? Finding Harry was gift enough.
No, no.
I'm thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life.
I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.
So the moral of the story appears to be:
Until I get married, I won't be seeing nothing from Kyra.
- How's the pistachio? - It's so good. You want some?
Meanwhile, Samantha was trying to have a working lunch.
Another bite?
We got cut off. Look, I need to get him three VIP seats and...
Look at you! Look at you eating your pesto.
No, I don't want any shitty house seats. Listen to me.
- No, I can't have any... - Excuse me. We don't allow cell phones.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
I'll call you back.
I understand that my cell phone may be annoying to some...
but what are you doing about that noise?
There's nothing we can do about that. That's a child.
And that was all Samantha had to hear.
You're a big boy.
Hello.
I understand that your child and I have to coexist in this city.
But perhaps you could take him somewhere more appropriate for a Happy Meal...
so I could have a happier one.
Seamus, that wasn't very nice.
I've made my point and he's made his.
Honey!
- Hello, beautiful. - Hi.
Do you know what we need to bring back in this house?
Cocktail hour.
Charlotte realized there was something grosser than teabags all over her house.
Her husband's teabags all over her new white couch.
- Harry! - What?
- No, I feel bad. - About what?
I'm trying to be less rigid, and I really do want you to be yourself in our house.
I know you do and I appreciate it.
And...
I'm almost used to the whole naked thing.
I knew it was too much. It's just me. But I can put on clothes.
No. I want you to be yourself.
It's just... Maybe you could put something between yourself and the white couch.
I get it. We've got kind of an ass-white couch situation here.
I will put on shorts.
- Could you? - Of course.
Now?
Love you.
Miranda, are you in there?
I can see your feet under the door.
- Damn. - I just came by to check up on you.
- I'm fine. - I've seen it all. I'm a doctor, remember?
I'm fine. Come on in.
It's not that bad.
I've seen a 7' tall man's shinbone poking through his calf, so...
- Where's Brady? - He's asleep.
Too bad. I wanted to give him this.
I'm pretty sure his hand-eye coordination is still a little sub-par to make the team.
If he's gonna go pro, we gotta start him young.
What are you watching?
- It's just Jules & Mimi. It's silly. - Yeah? What's it about?
Well, that's Mimi. She's the landlord.
Right next to her there is Jules, and they've slept together a couple of times...
but Jules may be involved with the girl who works in the sausage shop.
- In a nutshell. - He seems to be pretty into her now.
I'm intrigued.
- Really? - That and my cable's not hooked up yet.
Jules, you know, you didn't have to bring the rent over in person.
What's a few tube stops between friends?
I love a brother with an accent.
Do you think we'll stay friends after this?
I hope not.
You're so soft!
That night, I decided I couldn't wait for a ring.
And so I gave someone else one.
- This is Milo. - This is Allegra.
Mommy, and Daddy, and baby Henry, and us aren't here.
Leave a message.
Hi, it's Carrie Bradshaw.
I wanted to let you know that I'm getting married.
To myself.
And I'm registered at Manolo Blahnik.
So thanks. Bye.
One giant step for me, one small step for single womankind.
Here they are.
- That's all she registered for? - That'll be...
$485.
Plus tax.
And could you please watch your children? We don't want them touching the shoes.
Thanks.
It was my very first wedding present.
The fact is, sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes.
That's why we need really special ones now and then.
To make the walk a little more fun.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew