Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
My career had reached new heights, literally.
An editor at New York magazine thought I would be the perfect person...
to write about the ultimate challenge for swingers.
The flying trapeze.
Wouldn't you rather be at Geoffrey? They're having a sale on stripes!
That's not supportive!
Step on up. Good. That's good.
Come around to my side.
We'll take off your climbing lines and strap on your safety harness.
Please strap on anything that'll keep me from plummeting to my death.
Toes over the edge.
Feet shoulder-width apart, just a little bit more.
That's good. Head up. Now put your right hand out in front of you.
I've got you. Good. Are you ready to grab the bar?
I'm ready to go to the bar. Does everyone say that?
Pretty much. Okay, hold the bar in one hand.
- You're queen of the world. - You're queen of the world.
All right. That's good. Keep your head up.
Don't look down.
Are you ready? And...
Swing out, sister.
Two hours later, I was hooked.
Are you watching? I'm about to try a catch.
Maybe you should quit while you're alive.
You can totally do this.
Just listen to me and trust me.
All right. Legs up.
Take your hands off and reach for me.
This time you got it. Let go.
Let go.
No.
That day I didn't get caught...
but Samantha's zipper did.
This is one of the frustrating things about living alone.
There's not always somebody around to rip your clothes off.
Hey, Smith, wanna come over and do me?
What she meant was "undo me." But two birds with one stone.
And in Central Park...
a photographer attempted to catch two lovebirds sitting on a stone.
Honey, a little less teeth. Just relax your lips.
No, now you're squinting.
A lesser man might have told Charlotte to take a flying leap...
but Harry loved her too much.
- I thought the point was to look natural. - That's what I'm trying to get you to do.
One might ask, how natural is it to be sitting in Central Park in a suit?
I read the wedding section religiously...
and I know what they're looking for. Not all pictures are selected.
And I really want there to be...
a York-Goldenblatt announcement of our wedding in the Sunday Times.
So, please, just a little less teeth.
Charlotte York, I cannot wait to marry you.
- That's perfect. That's it. - I was having a moment.
Lipstick!
Wait! No, sorry, no kissing pictures. It's tacky.
And speaking of tacky...
Cute, huh? Debbie bought it for him over at the Sixth Avenue flea market.
Did you wash it first?
She also got something for you.
It's aromatherapy.
You know, I was thinking, maybe we should figure out a time...
for the two of you to meet.
What? Why?
She's around Brady. I know you're not comfortable with that.
I'm completely comfortable. I don't need to meet her. I trust you.
She bought me a fucking candle.
And it was an aromatherapy candle, for serenity and calm.
I was much more serene and calm before the fucking candle.
Women with candles replace women with cats as the new sad thing.
And get this: He thinks I should meet her.
I sense that he wants us to become friends.
Forget it. You do not need to become friends with the new girlfriend.
It's unnatural, uncomfortable, insincere...
and rife with ulterior motive.
- Has this happened to you? - No, I'm just being supportive.
- But there is a baby involved. - Exactly.
She's using Brady to get to me, and I am not falling for it.
Speaking of falling, I tried the trapeze yesterday for that piece that I'm writing.
I could never! I have the most terrible fear of heights.
I do not. You've seen my shoes.
So did you fly through the air with the greatest of ease?
At first, but then I couldn't do a catch.
I had to let go and reach for the guy, who was very cute, and I still couldn't do it.
You are insane for getting into a harness without even a hope of an orgasm.
- Hello, ladies. - Hi, honey.
- Hey, Harry. - Hi, Howie.
Everyone, this is Harry's best friend Howie Halberstein, in from Portland.
We're not crashing. I'm just here to drop off the photo proofs...
and the seating chart.
We're gonna have a quick bite to eat, then I'm taking the place cards...
to the calligrapher.
After that, we're gonna go around the corner and try to find our balls.
Yes, Harry knows how to show a guy a good time.
Howie, this is Samantha and Miranda and Carrie.
- Hi. - Hi, how are you?
- Good. - Good.
Good guy. You two, I see it happening.
So, Carrie, I was thinking maybe you might show Howie around a little later.
Unless Harry needs me to ice a cake or something.
I'm kind of busy because I have to do a flying trapeze thing.
That is so weird. I have a lion-taming thing tomorrow, so that's out for me.
But, you know, if you change your mind, I'll give you my business card.
- There you go. - Thank you.
All my lines are on there. Call me, I'll be waiting by the phone.
- What's wrong with you? - He was funny and cute.
Yeah, and in town for a week. What's the point?
That is the point.
It's the best possible scenario, because you know he's leaving.
But it's like whatever happens, there's an expiration date.
- It's expiration dating. - It isn't dating. It's sex.
It's fun. It's a fling.
Please, I'm too old for a fling. I can barely do a swing.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go home...
so I can write about the fact that I couldn't do a catch.
- He is a catch. - You should do him.
When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
Then you grow up and learn to be cautious.
You could break a bone or a heart.
You look before you leap, and sometimes you don't leap at all...
because there's not always someone there to catch you.
And in life there's no safety net.
When did it stop being fun and start being scary?
I decided it was time to leave fear behind and have some fun.
Okay, legs up.
- That's good. Let go and reach for me. - I can't.
All right, this time. Let go.
I can't.
Don't tell me you can't. I want nothing but lilies on the chuppah.
The theme is Yentl Chic.
Don't forget the candles.
This isn't the first wedding I've planned. You're worse than me!
We want candles, candles, candles.
And I don't want short, stubby, broken-up dick candles.
I want long tapers.
- All right, call me right back. - Ta-da!
- It's okay? - Okay? You're Audrey Hepburnowitz!
I'm so excited about this wedding.
We're doing everything according to tradition.
We're going to smash the glass, and the signing of the ketubah.
The hora.
Be careful. God forbid you fall off the chair.
Oh, the horror! The horror!
- Maybe we won't do the chair thing. - You have to. That's the big finish.
Remember, when you're up there, pretend you're having a good time...
hang on for dear life, and for fuck's sake keep your legs together.
Nobody wants to see the bride's beaver.
Don't say that in front of my dress.
Hello. York residence.
Yes, we have a minute. It's The New York Times fact checker.
Yes, Goldenblatt has two "T"s. Sure.
Fax it over!
We're in, we're in!
This calls for a hora!
Hey!
Oh, my God! What're you doing here? Don't look at me!
Jesus Christ, Char, my ear.
You're not supposed to see me in my dress. This is bad luck, very bad luck!
Close your eyes. Keep them closed!
Oh, no, this is so bad.
Are all brides like that?
That's nothing. I once had a girl in Long Island give herself a stroke.
She pulled it together for the big day, though.
Hopefully I'll get cell reception down in Mexico.
Samantha, a fan of expiration dating...
was about to enjoy one of the benefits of dating an actor.
Location, location, location.
It's gonna be cool working with Gus Van Sant.
Here. Let me.
I can't believe we don't get to spend my last night together.
- Are you dying? - No.
Then it's not your last night.
There.
I'm gonna miss you, Samantha.
Save that performance for Mr. Van Sant. It's just two weeks.
It's a long time.
Would you get out of here already? I'm late as it is.
Yeah, yeah.
And listen, when you're on location don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- What does that rule out? - There are things.
Karaoke. I don't do that.
- This is it. - It's a very nice building.
Miranda!
I can't find my keys.
- Magda! - You still have keys?
- I'm not home. - Because of Brady.
Do you understand?
I'm already at Charlotte's.
I am not home.
- Is Miranda here? - She is not home.
That's too bad. I was really looking forward to meeting her.
She is not home.
- Magda, this is Debbie. - Nice to meet you.
All right, we just need to grab some things out of Brady's crib.
The last time I forgot Mr. Elephant, Brady acted like a big baby.
Didn't you, B-Boy?
He is a big baby.
But I have not cleaned in room yet.
That's okay.
This is a nice room. She has nice taste.
- Yeah. I helped build the crib. - Really?
What's wrong, Brady? Did you drop your Binky?
Where's your Binky?
It's right there.
Here you go, Bradylicious.
Hey, wanna go to Blockbuster and rent a tape or something?
Okay, but this time I get to pick.
- Bye. - Bye, Magda.
There's a lot of dust down there.
You really should vacuum under...
That night we all gathered at Charlotte's casual rehearsal dinner.
You're like a lint tray. What's happening back here?
That Debbie is crazy.
She came to my apartment with Steve and totally ambushed me.
I had to hide under the bed to avoid them.
- Seriously? - Maybe.
- Did you see her? - Just her shoes and her nails.
- And? - Both acrylic.
Maybe you should just meet her and get it over with.
I don't want to meet her.
If I meet her, she's real, and that means Steve has an actual girlfriend.
Apparently I wasn't the only one who had trouble letting go.
Hey. What's happening there?
Oh, you know. Bride, bride, bride. Blah, blah, blah.
I just saw your fling go into the bathroom. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.
Still no.
It's just casual sex.
Nothing's casual anymore. Not even when it says so on the invitation.
Just go in there and see what happens.
Worst comes to worst, you could always hide under the bed.
I decided they were right.
It was time to get back in the swing of things.
- Good to see you. - See you later.
Hey, how are you?
Wow, this is kind of uncomfortable.
Look, would you please stop calling me? I don't have time to chat.
I've got boutonnieres on my mind.
I'm sorry I never called.
No, I understand, you're busy. That time of year.
Final exams for Clown College or something.
What would that entail, you think?
The seating arrangements in the little car, walking in the floppy shoes...
Squirting flower and nose application.
...continual pieing, the cloud-kissing...
Maybe I would have a fling. After all, how bad could it be?
That night Howie and I had sex like we were teenagers again.
Meaning he had no idea what he was doing, and I didn't say anything.
Meanwhile, Samantha was banging around as well.
You have one new message.
Hey, I'm here. It's pretty cool. You miss me yet?
That's the thing about getting used to a man.
There's always a catch.
It's here!
Not just her wedding day, but The New York Times.
Oh, my God!
I have a moustache.
It's an ink stain. But look at me. Now, that is a terrific smile.
This is a nightmare!
It's probably just our paper.
Anyway, who cares? We're getting married today!
I look like Hitler!
I'm having a Jewish wedding and I look like Hitler!
Hello?
In your paper do I have a moustache?
What?
In your wedding section, does it look like I have a moustache?
Hang on a minute.
As I feared, my fling had become a pain in the neck.
You do not look like Hitler.
Frito Bandito, maybe.
The bad luck is starting already.
Yeah.
There's a little something...
but maybe it's just my paper.
And your paper.
I have to go.
Clearly, Charlotte was bent out of shape, and so was I.
Come on, granny. I'll take you to the Early Bird Special.
Oh, God, don't make me laugh.
It hurts.
Is this still from your days as a Flying Wallenda?
That's my official story, and it's partially true.
But this is a sex-sprain.
- Good for you. - No, it was not good for me.
It was jackrabbit sex. You know, pound, pound...
- Are straight men still allowed to do that? - No, they aren't. It's bad.
It's basically masturbating with a woman instead of your hand.
I don't enjoy it.
Carrie, you made it!
Hi.
The jackrabbit?
- I better... - Hop to it.
You look hot!
Thanks.
- Guess what? - What?
I got a suite at The Mercer for later. King-size bed. Huge tub.
We can have breakfast before I leave...
unless, of course, we're busy doing something else.
I don't know.
I'm pretty tired from last night.
I'm only gonna be in town for another day, and I want to get to know you better.
Okay, we'll see.
We'll see?
I know what "we'll see" means. It means "see you."
No.
No, the thing is...
you're just visiting, so...
I figured it was a one-night kind of thing.
Just fun.
If I'd known you were just using me, I wouldn't have made love to you like that.
We are here today to celebrate the union of two very special people:
Harry Goldenblatt and Charlotte York.
It's important for everyone here to be a witness to this moment...
for the Jewish wedding ceremony has two parts.
The first designates to the community...
that the kallah, bride...
and the chatan, groom...
are for one another alone.
And the second part gives them to one another.
It's a gift and a huge responsibility.
As one man slipped a ring on...
one woman was still trying to slip a bracelet off.
Sorry. It's a back spasm. I'm sorry.
It seemed to Charlotte that the wedding had gone from Jewish law to Murphy's Law.
Mazel tov.
Charlotte, are you okay?
This is a disaster. It's the worst wedding in history.
That's not true.
Although I only saw most of it from here down.
Harry never should've walked in on me wearing my wedding dress.
- Now we're cursed. - You're not cursed.
You're married. You just got married.
I know...
but I wanted everything to be perfect.
Okay, you have to stop with the tears.
You already had the perfect wedding...
and the marriage, not so perfect.
I think this is a good sign.
I think the worse the wedding, the better the marriage.
- I have a stain on my dress. - That's good!
That's a good sign!
You're just trying to make me feel better.
No, I'm trying to get you to open your eyes, because you're missing it.
- What? - Everything!
You're missing your wedding.
You have a wonderful man who loves you...
who'll be there to catch you when you fall. Do you know how special that is?
I would love to find a man who's strong enough to catch me.
So let's get to that reception, so you can fall on a cake or something.
Okay.
- Okay? - Perfect still, of course.
Oh, Christ!
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm just feeling a little sad.
It was just so beautiful.
- The ceremony? - My bracelet.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
God, it's time for the toast. Top me off, I'm next.
I would like to raise a glass...
to Harry and Charlotte...
because they found each other despite all the bullshit.
It's tough out there. I mean, people don't care like they used to.
People leave you hanging.
People...
are a bitch.
Is this a toast or a roast?
So here's to love!
And love means never...
ever...
having to say.'
You used me for sex!
Thanks, Howie. That's nice.
It was a Mazel Tov cocktail.
Carrie said, "The worse the wedding, the better the marriage."
Then I think Howie just got us to our Silver.
Hi.
Hello. Great.
I would like to congratulate...
my very brave friend, Charlotte...
who knows what she wants...
and who goes for it.
Not everyone can do that.
Especially when it comes to love...
some of us can't even...
say the words.
But...
Sorry, hon. Good speech, though.
Maybe Miranda just got us to our Gold.
He's certainly acrobatic.
Oh, yeah. He's the regular Jerk du Soleil.
Do you think everyone knows I slept with him?
Yes. And they all think you're a big whore-ah.
- I don't like this. I'm afraid! - Of what?
What's the worst that can happen? We'll live happily ever after?
And, of course, this being a wedding, there was one more catch to go.
Okay! Who's ready to catch the bouquet?
Not me. I've lit myself on fire.
I've showed emotion in public. I think I'm done.
- Oh, you were fabulous. - I believe you mean flammable.
Okay, now you're done.
It wasn't a perfect catch...
and neither was mine.
But I survived because I have a good safety net.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew