Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
New York City is a great place to be engaged.
Miss?
I'm sorry. Did you want this cab?
- Why, thank you. - Sure.
And it's an even better place to be enraged.
You're so busy!
- Boy, do I have news. - So do I.
I didn't want to say anything until we were all together...
but Harry and I made up and he asked me to marry him.
- Oh, my God. Congratulations! - That's great.
Look at that ring.
I know. He had it made based on the one that Richard Burton gave Elizabeth Taylor.
Well, it is fabulous.
Even more fabulous than your first one.
So, Carrie, what was your news?
Berger broke up with me on a Post-it.
On a Post-it?
Yep. Read it and weep, my friends.
"I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."
The motherfucker's concise.
I thought you were going to break up with him.
Yeah, I was, and I should have...
but he said that he wanted to try to work things out:
A.k.a. Leave in the middle of the night.
A Post-it. That's infuriating.
I remember when breaking up over the phone was considered bad form.
I once was broken up with by a guy's doorman.
"I'm sorry, Miss Hobbes. Jonathan won't be coming down, ever."
I miss having a doorman.
- Are you gonna call him? - No.
I am not going to dignify his behavior with a response.
I am not even going to leave him...
one of those angry answering machine messages.
"Hi, it's me. You're a dick!"
But it sure felt good saying it right now, even to you.
That's what we're here for.
- I'm sorry. - Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
That relationship was a complete waste of time.
It's never a complete waste of time.
Even in the worst relationship, you always learn something.
You might not wanna say that to a woman carrying a loaded Post-it.
But everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what it is yet.
That's such bullshit.
It's not. Look at me.
If I had never married Trey, then I never would have gotten divorced...
and I would have never met my divorce lawyer, Harry...
and I wouldn't be engaged now.
Paper covers rock.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason.
If Berger hadn't left me...
in the most horrible way anyone could ever imagine...
I wouldn't be free to walk you to your hair appointment.
We're all being protected by the universe.
When it comes to men, you may have had it right all along.
Keep it light. Don't get too involved. Don't get too hurt.
Exactly. If you're never someone's girlfriend, you can never be someone's ex-girlfriend.
You know what?
I'm gonna spend as much time mourning this relationship...
as he spent ending it.
Okay, I'm over it.
Let's go somewhere fantastic tonight and have a fantastic time.
What can we do that would be fantastic?
I know. I'm taking you to Bed.
I'm not that off men.
No, Bed. It's a new club opening tonight.
We'll all go. I think I have the invitation.
Listen to me being all hurt.
Look how many men have broken up with you, and you're fine.
People say everything happens for a reason.
These people are usually women.
And these women are usually sorting through a break-up.
It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a goodbye.
But apparently, women have to either get married...
or learn something.
Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius?
Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?
Meanwhile, Samantha was at home dressing a man, for a change.
I called some designers and I told them that the Absolut Hunk...
was going to do TRL on MTV, and they jumped ASAP.
Gucci, YSL, D&G. Take your pick.
You know, I'm not really comfortable wearing labels.
If it's okay with you, I thought I'd just wear some jeans and this.
That'll work, too.
You are going to be the fantasy of every adolescent girl...
and sexually confused boy in America.
How'd I get hooked up with such an amazing girlfriend?
And that was a label Samantha wasn't comfortable wearing.
You should get ready. The car will be here any minute.
- You sure you can't come? - I can't. I promised Carrie and the girls.
But I will catch the replay tonight.
- Should I hook up with you later? - No.
Go out with the MTV crowd and have fun.
You're the Absolut Hunk. Work it.
And as your publicist, let me just say...
calling someone your girlfriend isn't a good idea right now.
- Someone, or you? - Either way.
So when anyone asks if you have a girlfriend...
you should say you are still looking and haven't found anyone special yet.
- That's what you want? - That's what I want.
But I do insist you top up that tank with some Dior sunglasses.
It's MTV. If you're not wearing something the kids can't afford...
how will they know to look up to you?
There. Much better.
That night, as Charlotte was deciding what to wear...
she noticed that everything went with her new engagement ring...
except her old wedding dress.
Meanwhile, in another closet...
I don't think I can go. I'm not feeling so hot.
- Are you sick? - No, I mean, literally.
Openings of hot new clubs are for hot, childless people.
I'm not even one of the hot mommies at Mommy & Me.
I don't want to have to resort to this.
But if I have to, I will play the Post-it card.
Just explain to me why I have to leave my house to go to Bed.
Because this can't be the day that I was broken up with by a Post-it.
This has to be the day that something else happened.
How about the day your friend discovered...
all her clothes are covered in spit-up?
You are going. No excuses.
Okay.
And speaking of no excuses, there they were.' her skinny jeans.
The jeans every woman keeps in the vain hope...
that someday she'll fit into them again.
- My God, what are you doing here? - No, you did not come to this club!
Ladies, this is a miracle.
I am in my skinny jeans.
I haven't fit into these since 1985...
and that is only because I had mono.
Miranda, I've never noticed before, but you've got one hot ass.
- Really? - Yeah!
- And you look good. - How'd you do it?
I got pregnant, became a single mother, and stopped having any time to eat.
That's a diet I won't be trying.
I can't believe I am in my skinny jeans. I am never taking them off.
Charlotte, can I wear these to your wedding?
- I'm kidding. - No, it's just...
I just feel kind of silly that I made such a big fuss about my ring earlier.
Honey, a diamond that big deserves a parade.
But this is the second time around.
I already did the showing of the ring and the big wedding. You were there.
It was lovely.
So this time...
I've decided that it should just be really small and tasteful.
- So no denim? - Right.
And I don't want to disappoint you:
I've decided not to have bridesmaids.
Hallelujah!
Okay, let's go to Bed.
What do you want, dear?
Since people often go to bars to try to get someone into bed...
it was only a matter of time till someone cut out the middleman...
and put the beds in bars.
Now this is my kind of place.
And I thought they were being ironic.
If I had known it was gonna be like this, I would have brought my bite guard.
- Bed for four, please. - All the beds are booked right now.
Damn, that always happens to me.
We're on the VIP list. Samantha Jones.
Perfect. I'll be right back.
I have to find a bathroom. I need to pee.
Really? Or do you just wanna stare at your ass in the mirror?
Well, that, too.
Shake it, sister.
- We're ready. Follow me. - That was fast.
What can I say, I know how to work it in Bed.
- And I didn't even have to buy you dinner. - I'm sorry, someone pushed me.
You want me to have them killed?
- Would you? - Just say when.
- When. - Okay, I'm bluffing.
Yeah, I knew you were all talk.
- Yeah. I'm Peter. - Miranda.
And thank you for letting me crash.
Why don't you hang out?
It's not that often I have such a beautiful woman in bed with me.
Okay, but move over. That's my side.
All the men in here seem kind of old.
- That's because you're dating Smith. - Who's basically a zygote.
I'm not dating him, I'm fucking him.
Now I'm looking for someone else to fuck.
Well, I think you may have come to the right place.
This place is awesome.
Oh, no. It's Berger's friend.
- Where? - In the next bed.
God, I hate New York. Is there no other club opening tonight?
- What should I do? - Ignore them.
No, I can't. It'll get back to Berger that I acted childish.
Just go over there and say hi.
Act like Berger is the last thing on your mind.
Right. I'll take the high road.
I'll be calm, classy, and just say hello.
- Billy, hi. - Hey, Carrie.
- Hi, how are you? - Fucking great.
Chris, Andrew, this is Berger's girlfriend, Carrie.
Is Berger with you?
This is kind of uncomfortable...
but we broke up this morning.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I knew you guys had all kinds of problems.
Yeah.
And he was bad in bed.
You look great, Billy.
Did she just say he was bad in bed?
You know that angry message I didn't wanna leave on Berger's machine?
I just left it on his friend.
- What happened? - I took the lowest possible road.
I told him Berger was bad in bed, which isn't even true.
Two times! Don't you forget anything?
Why did you say that?
It just came out.
It's understandable. You're suffering from Post-it traumatic stress syndrome.
I need to find a way to erase that message.
Go back over there and explain.
Just tell them you're hurt and that you didn't mean it.
Great, now I have to admit that I'm hurt?
First, a little nerve Clicquot.
That thing I said before... terrible and not true.
He was fine in bed. Great, in fact.
Fireworks, rockets.
I don't even know why I said that.
I'm hurt, okay?
Sure. Break-ups are tough.
Yes, under normal circumstances they are tough.
And in this case, tougher.
Look, I don't wanna drag you into this...
but Berger broke up with me on a Post-it.
I know as Berger's friend you can't have a normal reaction...
but just so you know, the normal reaction has been...
Not that I'm going around telling everyone, just some girlfriends.
You know, I'm trying to understand why someone would do that.
- Well, maybe he was afraid. - Interesting. How so?
Women can get really angry.
I assure you, I would have been very understanding.
- Right. - Excuse me?
You all say that, but then you just freak and get all psycho-bitch.
Really?
So now it's our fault?
All we're saying is there really is no good way...
to break up with someone, is there?
It's funny you should mention that, Billy, because actually, there is.
You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face...
that you no longer wanna see her.
Call me crazy...
but I think that you can make a point of ending your relationship...
in a manner that does not include...
an e-mail, a doorman, or a missing persons report.
I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy...
and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation...
because here's what:
Avoiding that is what makes you the bad guy.
- And just so you know, Alan... - Andrew.
Most women aren't angry, irrational psychos.
We just want an ending to a relationship...
that is thoughtful and decent...
and honors what we had together.
So my point, Billy, is this:
There is a good way to break up with someone...
and it doesn't include a Post-it!
Okay.
Much better.
You think? We have to get out of here immediately.
So, what, you have a boyfriend?
- Me, no. - Right.
- I don't. - Come on, how's that possible?
I have no idea.
Well, neither do I. You're hot.
Hi, sorry. We're leaving.
I just learned you should never go to Bed angry.
Well...
- It was really great meeting you. - It was good to meet you. I'll see you.
- And thanks. - For what?
Okay, so I'm angry. So those guys will tell Berger that I'm angry.
I can live with that.
Come on, bro, give me a hit.
You wanna pass that back?
Be good, ladies.
- Do you smell that? - Pot.
- Let's get high. - I'd get high.
Wait, are you serious?
Yes, that's exactly what my mind needs: Cloudiness.
I'm still too lucid on the facts of the day and night.
When was the last time you smoked pot?
I think I was wearing these jeans.
- I'm not smoking pot. - Post-it.
How do we even get any?
I'd call my dealer, but he's at the Cape.
Damn those dealers and their summer houses.
I'll ask those guys.
Excuse me, fellas.
My friends and I were wondering...
I like her in those jeans.
Is it safe to buy pot from strangers?
They're not strangers. They're our new friends with pot.
- Okay. - You're such an idiot, dude.
They're going around the corner to Drown the Hound.
There's a guy there who deals.
And I get the one with the glasses.
My, when she scores, she scores. All right.
- There you go. - Thanks a lot, Tommy.
"Drown the Hound." And I thought they were being ironic.
- I see our guys. - Yeah! Go get 'em.
If that last place was called "Bed," then this should be called "Smell."
Hold your nose. I promised Smith I'd watch him on TRL...
and this dump has a TV.
- What have they got all over the floor? - Peanut shells.
- Why? - I don't know.
Do peanut shells have to happen for a reason?
What can I get you?
Here's $20. I assume, in a place like this, that covers three drinks...
and a channel change.
Does the bride need another Jell-O shot?
- No, I can't! - Yes!
- Great! - One more.
Look at them, so happy.
Hey, sweetie, what's wrong?
I just... I wish I'd never been married before.
But if you hadn't married Trey, you wouldn't have met Harry.
I know. It's just... I hate that this is my second ring.
And that this is my second marriage.
I hate that I finally found the love of my life...
and I can't celebrate it in a big, big way.
You can do whatever you want.
No, I can't. It's inappropriate.
Excuse me, hi. Would you take a picture of me and my girlfriends?
She's getting married.
- Sure. - Thank you.
You know, she got engaged last night.
- Congratulations. - No, it's my second.
She's getting married to a wonderful man. And look at this rock.
Oh, wow!
- It's beautiful. - Thank you.
- You have to be in the picture. - That's okay.
Come on.
Got the camera.
- All right, everyone say "bride." - Bride!
- When are you getting married? - What's the dress like?
Where's the reception?
Finally, Charlotte's inner judge was silenced by some very loud bachelorettes.
Sorry, I guess he's not here tonight.
Well, you can't cry over spilt pot.
- I can buy you a drink. - I said I was buying her a drink, dude.
- You have a girlfriend. - Gentlemen, please.
That's the secret of the skinny jeans.
It's not so much a state of behind as a state of mind.
What do I gotta do to get a beer around here?
Hey, what's up! I'm La La, and now...
you've seen him naked on a billboard right here in Times Square.
And now he's on TRL wearing clothes. Damn, but it's still all good.
He is the absolute hottest, the absolute awesome...
the Absolut Hunk! Give it up for Smith Jerrod!
Man, we have a lot of fans in the house. Let's get right to some questions.
- Hi, I'm Amber. - Hey, what's up, Amber?
Nice, relaxed, sexy, and modest.
One.' What is it like to be the Absolut Hunk?
I have to say it's been a real trip. I've met some really awesome people.
- You're hot enough to be on TV. - Take that to the dartboard.
And two.' Do you have a girlfriend?
No, I'm still looking.
For real? You're not dating anyone?
I am dating, but I'm not seeing anyone special.
And even though Samantha had designed it herself...
she realized "no one special" was another label she didn't care for.
I changed my mind.
Kiss me.
And to prove that Smith was no one special to her...
she kissed someone even less special.
Unfortunately, he was someone special to a somewhat drunk person.
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
- What happened? - She kissed Frankie.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Fucking city girls, you think you're such hot shit...
that you can go around kissing other girls' boyfriends?
- I'm gonna kick your ass. - I'm gonna slap the shit out of you.
- Oh, my God! - Relax.
You fucking relax.
If I ever fucking see you again...
I'm gonna put my shoes so far up your ass, you're gonna taste leather!
Okay, I get it. Angry women can be scary.
Very few women can pull off anger in a tube top.
This night is turning into a total bust.
Not total...
Oh, my God, I love you! Where did you get that?
Apparently, $20 will buy you three drinks...
- a channel change and a joint. - All right.
Fucking men.
Men are bullshit.
That's what I'm talking about.
Being someone's girlfriend...
- No good can come of it. - That's what I'm saying.
Wow!
This is strong weed.
It's Smith.
- Hello. - Hi. Did you see me?
- Yes, we saw it. - How'd I do?
Perfect, just like we planned.
- We're all going to the... - Can you hear me?
- Hello? - I'm not getting any reception here.
Let me...
Are you there?
As I contemplated the fact...
that my relationship had gone to pot, literally...
I realized no high or low would make this day...
any day other than the day I got broken up with by a Post-it.
Police. Stay right where you are.
That's the way it goes. We have to take her downtown.
Officer, please. I am a lawyer and a mother.
This woman is my friend. She's an extremely law-abiding citizen.
Who just broke the law.
Yes, but in her defense, she has had a very bad day.
- Her boyfriend just broke up with her. - On a Post-it.
Come on, that didn't happen.
"I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."
Wow, brutal.
Tell you what, I'll write you up for smoking in a bar.
Come on, can't you just let her off?
I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me.
Hear that? It's midnight.
The official end to what will now be known as...
the day I got arrested for smoking a doobie.
I said doobie. This is great!
You didn't get arrested.
See, your Post-it was your get-out-of-jail-free card.
If you never met Berger, you wouldn't...
Stop, you're killing my buzz.
I have to say, I'm starting to agree with Charlotte's way of thinking.
If I hadn't accidentally gotten pregnant by Steve...
I never would have had Brady.
I'm not finished. And had no time to eat.
So I never would have fit into my skinny jeans...
and realize this city is full of cute men.
Now that's my kind of thinking.
Don't bogart the split.
Okay, I know what I learned from my Berger relationship.
Wait a minute, I just had it.
What?
You know what, I changed my mind.
You don't think everything happens for a reason?
No, not about that. About the wedding. I really want you guys to be my bridesmaids.
You don't have to wear the matching dresses, I promise.
- I'll eat to that. - Can I get that in writing?
I think I've had enough. My jeans just popped.
I might never find a lesson in why Berger and I split...
but at least, for the moment, there was a banana split.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew