Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
In New York City, where no good event gets going before 9:00 pm...
it's a very bad sign when you get invited to something that starts at 9:00 am.
What are you gonna say?
I'm just gonna tell them that before 10:00 am...
as far as I'm concerned, everybody's guilty.
I figure I'll be out in no time.
Since I'm down here, I'm gonna head over...
to J & R to look at some computer shit.
When you get off, call me. We'll meet up, do something.
Well, aren't you going to write today?
What does that mean?
It doesn't mean anything. It was just a question.
What did you think I was gonna do? Sit on my ass all day and slack off?
No, I didn't mean it like that.
Look, it's early.
Right. It's early.
And it's also a very bad sign when a couple is fighting before 9:00 am.
You know what we need right now? A Hollywood kiss.
Here? But we have coffee.
Come on. Hollywood kiss.
Better?
Better.
- I'll see you later. I love you. - I love you, too. Wish me luck.
Hang them high.
Hi, I hope you can help me with this.
I feel terrible, but I don't think that I can serve jury duty today.
You see, I work for myself as a freelance writer...
and no one can cover for me.
Welcome to jury duty.
Meanwhile, another woman was having trouble juggling her duties.
- Is it 8:30 already? - Good morning.
Fuck!
Don't say "F."
I'm gonna be a little late tonight.
- Come here, baby. Yes, darling. - Work stuff.
Around we go.
It's okay, Brady...
Mommy's just got to go to work.
Boy is fine. He just misses Mama.
Look at that.
Yes. Say bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Mommy.
- No, it's no big deal. - Bye-bye, Brady.
It's all right.
Along with her coffee...
feeling guilty had become a part of Miranda's daily routine.
- Let me help you, darling. - Thanks, Lenore.
You have done such a wonderful job with this event.
Macaroons on the outside, dear.
I just hope people enjoy it.
I'm sure they will.
Charlotte had been guilted into joining the synagogue's Sisterhood Society.
Now, I know since Harry...
you've been coming to temple alone.
The break-up was bad news for you, but good news for me.
Hence, good news for you.
Lenore, what are you saying over there?
I have someone for you.
Now, I know, I don't look old enough to have a son your age, but I do.
Charlotte, darling...
I have two single sons, both perfect for you.
Barbara, I told you I wanted to fix her up with my David.
Charlotte may have been there to arrange the cookies...
but Barbara, Elaine and Lenore were there to arrange her next marriage.
Meanwhile, Samantha had used her pushiness...
to parlay her new man's hit off-Broadway show...
into a hot, on-Broadway poster.
Fuck me.
That's the first thing every woman in town will be saying after she sees it.
It's huge.
And that's the second.
And, honey, I'm not even sure the poster does you justice.
Come on, my dick's three stories long.
The way God and Madison Avenue intended.
Sometimes, when you're sitting on a jury...
it may seem as if all you're doing is a lot of waiting around.
But to the contrary, the catalyst for the resolution of the lawsuit...
is the fact that you were there, ready to hear the evidence and render a verdict.
You are not just sitting around...
but rather playing an indispensable role in our justice system.
But now, let's take a look at the flow of a typical trial.
Whether you're serving on a civil or criminal trial...
there's a general procedure that is followed.
You may hear opening statements by the opposing attorneys...
each presenting their sides of the dispute.
This is not evidence.
It's just so weird.
I mean, a mango isn't even a fruit you can bite into.
I do believe it is the oddest thing you can pull out of a briefcase.
Except for a pineapple.
The moment he pulls out a pineapple, I want you to call me.
Thank you.
Charlotte, what are you doing here?
Why are we hiding?
I'm on the worst date of my life.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
This woman from the temple set me up with her son, and he's awful.
- You have to help me. - Okay.
Call me on your cell phone, tell me something bad happened...
then I'll rush out.
After he leaves, you'll come back, eat with us.
- Yes. - Okay.
We've been dating a long time. We have contingency plans.
I asked for more bread, but they haven't brought it yet.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't normally get that, but maybe something bad happened.
Hello?
Hey, it's me. Something bad happened.
Something bad happened?
I knew it was going to be terrible. The man brought me carnations.
- I see. - Hold up, the man brought you flowers?
What an asshole.
- Not flowers, carnations. - What's wrong with carnations?
They're filler flowers.
Would you dump a guy if he brought you carnations?
Me? No. But I happen to like carnations, especially the pink ones.
In fact, I think they're making a comeback.
I would, however, throw away a guy for wearing Docksiders or Topsiders...
- or any of the above. - No, those are cute.
So basically, guys are just fucked.
No, that's not true. None of that matters with the right guy.
Harry was bald and he talked with his mouth full.
But I loved him anyway.
- Because he didn't bring you filler flowers. - No, because I loved him.
Of course you did, sweetie. Don't say that to her.
I'm sorry, I was just trying to be funny.
Well, it wasn't funny.
Yeah, it wasn't funny. I'm a slacker.
I guess if I were wearing Topsiders, I wouldn't be here.
Good evening. You folks ready to order?
Yes.
Let's see. I'm going to start with the goat cheese salad...
and then I'll have the tuna. But, sir, can you make sure...
there's no parsley on anything? I'm just really allergic.
- Not even a sprinkling of it on the plate. - He got it. No parsley.
Can you ask the chef if the marinade for the tuna has parsley in it?
Because if it does, I should probably change my order.
- I'll go check. - Thank you.
You're not allergic.
- What? - You're not allergic.
I don't like it.
- Why don't you just say that? - Because when I say that...
parsley somehow magically appears on the plate...
and I feel bad because I have to send it back.
You didn't even order something that comes with parsley.
It comes with everything.
You know what, guys, I actually have to...
I totally forgot...
I have to go.
Bye.
Charlotte decided to leave her second bad date of the night.
You can just drop us at the corner of 73rd and Madison. Thanks.
Actually, can you go around? It's 73rd between Park and Madison. Thank you.
I'm in heels.
I can't believe you put me down in front of your friend.
I didn't put you down.
Okay, great.
Now you're going to tell me what I feel?
I'm not telling you what you feel.
Here we go again.
What's going on with us?
When did you stop being on my side?
This isn't working.
You're right. I think we should take a break.
Are you serious?
I think we need some time apart.
I know things haven't been great, but...
How long have you been thinking about this?
Right up here is fine. The third brownstone on the right.
No, actually wait. There's gonna be two stops.
Wait, you want to take the break starting now?
I thought you would at least come up. We need to talk.
No, I don't need to talk.
Okay? I need some time to think.
How much time?
About a week.
I'm gonna go out to my Hamptons house. I just need some distance...
to sort through stuff. Is that okay?
What, I'm supposed to decide what I feel about this...
with the meter running?
Yeah, okay, go.
I'll call you when I get back.
Thanks for dinner.
I knew we were having problems, but a break?
What am I? Some horrible job he needs to get away from?
A break isn't always a bad thing.
Come on. It's a hop, skip, and a week from a break up.
Or it's the thing that saves you from saying the things...
that you wish you could take back, but you can't.
If Harry and I had taken a break...
then maybe I wouldn't be out on blind dates again.
Remember when a break was a good thing? Spring break, coffee break.
Now it's break up, break down.
They keep getting worse. What's next?
Hip break?
You know what I think?
I think don't do that.
Do what?
I'm sorry. I'm upset.
Well, don't be. You'll be even more upset when your face is all lined.
As far as I'm concerned, the test of a good relationship is:
Are you like this...
or like this?
That is the test of a good relationship?
Or a good dermatologist.
Make fun, but a bump in the road is never good.
And you shouldn't bother staying around to find out how not good.
It's not all frowns. Berger and I have a lot of good stuff, too.
It's complicated.
Complicated by the fact that the man had to go...
all the way to Long Island to think this through.
Maybe you can send him a postcard.
That is the most blatant agenda-pushing I have ever seen.
And the most effective.
I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
Who cares? Look at his pecs.
I meant Berger.
It's so frustrating. What am I supposed to do?
Just sit around waiting to find out whether he chooses me?
I'm doing that all day at jury duty and it sucks.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you use this time to think about what you want?
Remember you? What do you want?
The next day, I got to thinking about trials and trial separations.
In a courtroom, a jury decides the outcome.
In a relationship, the victims have to decide their own fate.
How can two people mired in the mess ever figure it out?
Do we need distance to get close?
Sorry. Cab gridlock situation.
They should rename the Westside Highway the No Way Highway.
Let me just pull out my files on the McKenzie case.
We're not here to discuss the McKenzie case.
- I'm sorry. Then what is this meeting about? - You.
We're concerned.
It's been noted recently...
that you've been late to important meetings and are struggling to handle your case load.
I'm sorry, Maurice. I don't know what you mean. I was late today, but...
Actually, you've been late rather frequently.
There was the deposition last Tuesday, and the motion hearing last Friday...
and you left early on Monday.
Way to watch my back, Fern.
- I understand it's been difficult. - With the new baby and all.
Got it.
No problem. Won't happen again.
But let me say, as far as the McKenzie brief, Miranda Hobbes is kicking ass.
Where I'm doing a bad job is at home.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
And may I remind you that when my mother died...
I was back in the office on Monday.
Guess what I'm drinking. An Absolut Hunk. You're a drink.
And you are delish.
Take off that ski cap.
Let people see you.
I don't want people to see me.
Everybody's giving me shit about the poster.
You're insane. People love it.
Not my people.
My sober buddies are pissed that I'm shilling for a liquor company.
My acting class thinks I'm a sellout.
My ma's hiding magazines in every supermarket in Seattle...
so my 96-year-old grandmother doesn't see my dick.
Drunks, nobodies, prudes.
I just don't see where this is going.
It'd be one thing if I was getting auditions. But nothing's happening.
I'm sorry to bother you, but are you the Absolut Hunk?
Yes, he is.
I just wanted to say that my friends and I are huge fans.
- Oh, my God. - Hi.
It's working. What did I tell you?
How does those guys toasting me mean my acting career's happening?
First come the gays, then the girls, then the industry.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
And speaking of absolute gay...
Charlotte was on a lunch date with yenta number two's son.
So, I mean, I guess I just knew it wasn't gonna work out.
I like practicing Pilates...
but I don't want to talk about it all day with my significant other.
What are you looking for exactly in a significant other?
Look, we don't need to do this.
You know I'm gay. I know I'm gay.
The only person who doesn't know I'm gay is my mother.
So do you really wanna know what my type is?
That's it.
I know him.
Get out! Could you introduce me?
Actually, he's straight.
My brother will be so disappointed. We're obsessed with him.
- Charlotte, honey. - Hi, Elaine.
You went out with a faigelah and a mieskeit, and you can't go out with my David?
- It's just those blind dates are so... - Wait! Not so blind.
I showed David your picture from the last newsletter...
and he thought you were a knockout.
That's nice.
I told him you'd be at the next Single and Mingle Night at the temple.
You could meet there. He's a looker, my David.
Now, I know most people say that about their children. But he is.
And he's even better looking in person.
So you'll meet him?
Never had braces. Can you imagine?
Some people are bullied into blind dating.
Charlotte was bubbied.
I'm here!
Is he still awake?
No. Boy go to sleep an hour ago.
Great.
I guess I can just get back to my work then.
That night, the only thing Miranda put to bed was the McKenzie brief.
The next day, the verdict was in.
Century 21, the downtown discount store, was the best part of jury duty.
Hello.
I'm with two men in plaid pants and I'm carrying a nine iron.
Greetings from California.
You think that's bad? I'm discount shopping.
What are you doing golfing?
I'm just in it for the scotch afterwards. How are things?
Pretty good.
So far I found the most unbelievable Anna Molinari dress...
and a Dolce kimono.
I meant in your life.
How's tricks?
Tricks are for kids.
Okay, kid.
So how's it going with that guy, Hotdog?
Berger. Why do you ask?
Because we're friends, and friends ask other friends...
how things are in their lives.
Besides, I don't tee off for another 10 minutes.
We're great.
Moved in together yet?
Actually, we're taking it slow.
What does that mean?
We're kind of taking a break.
You're taking a break?
A little break.
I don't know why I told him. I think I crumbled under questioning.
Why? You haven't been together that long.
Sometimes a person needs a little space.
From you? This guy must be crazy.
Spoken by the man who moved 3,000 miles away.
You know, a break can be a very good thing.
As long as you're all right with it.
I am very okay with it. In fact...
You're breaking up.
- No, we're not. Berger and l... - No, your cell phone...
is breaking up. I can hardly hear you. Hello?
With an armful of discount clothing...
I realized I could no longer discount my feelings.
I decided to rent a car...
and drive the distance to get closer to Berger.
I paid $187 to drive 40 feet.
What did I think I was going to do? Badger my boyfriend into being with me?
That's one option.
I just keep thinking if I stick with it...
- just tried a little harder... - Carrie...
you know how much I like Berger, but come on.
No one can accuse you of not having tried. You did good.
I mean, Berger can be threatened...
and insecure, and sometimes he shuts down...
but he's also smart and funny.
Like, he made up this thing, this Hollywood kiss thing.
Whenever we're being pissy with each other, we'd do this fake Hollywood kiss bit.
And it makes us laugh.
You guys need a bit?
I know. It isn't working.
Why is it so hard to admit that?
I gotta break up with him.
If he ever comes back.
All clean.
Look, here's the mommy.
Hey, guy!
- How was your bath? - Here we go.
Magda, I'll see you at 8:00 tomorrow. Thank you for everything.
- It's okay. - Don't cry. Magda be back tomorrow.
I missed you today. How are you?
Bye-bye, Brady. No more crying.
Oh, you darling. Bye-bye.
What's wrong with him?
He'll be fine. He just misses his mommy.
Magda.
It's okay.
The next day, Miranda decided to do something about that.
We both know that this isn't working.
And as much as I would like it to, it's not just going to magically change.
What are you saying?
I can't keep working like this. I'm going to have to cut way back...
to 50 hours a week.
55 tops.
Here. Okay.
That night, Miranda was there to put Brady to bed.
But there would still be times when she wouldn't be around.
So Miranda found a way to be around.
And at bus stops all around town...
Fucking A.
Everybody in New York thinks I'm an asshole.
Listen, blondie, if you're gonna be in this business...
you're gonna have to be a lot more thick-skinned than this.
What business? The naked hustler business?
I understand you're upset, but you have to take a step backward...
and see the big picture.
I need some time to think. See you later.
Stop right there.
So there's a bump in the road.
You can't bail the minute things get rough.
Now trust me, this will all work out.
What if you're wrong?
There it was. A frown.
Or as close to a frown as Samantha and her dermatologist would allow.
Oh, my God, look! There he is! The Absolut Hunk!
What did I tell you? First the gays, now the girls.
A hop, skip, and a week later, the industry followed.
Gus Van Sant offered Smith the part of a model/hustler/junkie...
in his latest movie, which he happily accepted.
You grew up in Connecticut. I went to school there.
- Really? Where'd you go? - Yale.
Something wrong with Yale?
No, it's just...
Yale.
Charlotte knew how silly she sounded.
The problem wasn't that David went to Yale.
The problem was he wasn't Harry.
David, you're really nice.
In fact, you're perfect.
But for where I am right now, you might as well be a gay man with carnations.
Sorry?
I'm just not ready to date.
Okay.
You want to go back to my apartment and have sex?
No.
Well, figured it was worth asking.
I think I'm gonna head out. Bye.
This blows. The only cute guy just left.
All that's left is the fatties and the baldies.
Charlotte could only hope that one of the baldies was her baldy.
Out of all the synagogues in all the cities, you had to walk into mine.
How have you been?
Not good.
I miss you.
And being away from you only made it all the more clear how much I love you.
- Charlotte... - Wait. Let me finish.
I don't care if you ever marry me.
I just wanna be with you.
I would be lucky to have you.
So if you could find some way to forgive me, if you could just call me...
or just ask me out again?
That's not good enough.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Yes, I'll marry you.
I am so coming back next week.
It wasn't a pineapple, but it was just as weird.
And there was only one other person who would really appreciate it.
At that moment, I knew I wasn't ready to let Berger go.
Okay, people, you're released.
Who is it?
It's me. I'm back.
Come on up.
When it comes to a trial, you have to listen to the evidence.
But when it comes to the trials of love...
you have to listen to your heart.
I didn't know what Berger's verdict would be, but I knew mine.
I hear they're making a comeback.
I know things have been bad, but I really think...
I know.
I love you, Carrie.
I wanna try to make this work.
You're never going to believe it. The mango guy...
- he pulled out... - A pineapple?
A coconut.
- So close. - I know.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew