Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
When you live in the city that never sleeps...
it comes as a bit of a shock when somehow...
you manage to oversleep.
Taxi!
Excuse me.
Taxi!
Thank you.
Shit!
Sir, I have to be downtown in 30 minutes.
Thank you.
Keep the change.
I thought that you need a lift.
Excuse me. Hi.
- Which way to the stock exchange? - There.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
- Step forward. - Okay.
Stop. Give him the bag.
Here, can you hold that?
Let's go. Stop. Arms.
I'm sorry.
Sir, can you hurry? I'm here to ring the bell.
- Go ahead. - Okay, thank you.
Step forward.
All right, you have to put this on. And we gotta hurry up.
Today, one of New York's favorite newspapers...
the New York Star is going public.
And here to open trading is one of its favorite columnists...
Carrie Bradshaw.
Now you can press it.
The day after the stock market...
I met the ladies for lunch in the fashionable Meat Market.
It was so exciting. It almost made me want to invest in something.
I love the stock market.
A room full of screaming, sweating men all trying to get it up.
I don't invest anymore. It's too volatile.
Exactly. I like my money right where I can see it.
Hanging in my closet.
Actually, your stock is up. I bought shares of your newspaper yesterday.
Really? Thank you, sweetie. Was it expensive?
- No, you're cheap. - I never...
- Ladies. - Thank you.
$20 for a hamburger? That's reasonable.
Pathetic. When I moved to this neighborhood...
the only thing that cost $20 was a hand job from a tranny.
I'm serious. It's all gotten so sanitary.
I mean no smoking in bars. What's next? No fucking in bars?
Well, first there would have to be a no-fucking section.
I mean, just look at this street. Stella McCartney, Alexander McQueen.
The only designer name that belongs in the Meatpacking District...
- is Oscar Mayer. - I never liked his clothes.
- Too fatty. - But that's what's great about New York.
There's always a new neighborhood or restaurant...
A new man.
That's right. Friday night, my first official date with Jack Berger.
That is so exciting. Isn't that exciting?
Sure. It's all fun and games till someone has a child.
So, what do you two have planned?
He hasn't said yet. So many outfits need to be scouted.
You kids today and your dating.
I know. I feel like a girl of 35 again.
I really like him.
Then you better find out his bottom line right up front.
If Harry had told me he could only be serious about me if I were Jewish...
I doubt I'd be in my situation.
I don't get it. What kind of man passes up pussy for Purim?
Soup and a tenderloin of pork.
What's with the face?
- I didn't make a face. - I said pork, you went...
It's just I'm confused.
You can order pork, but you can't get serious about our future...
because I'm not Jewish.
And from the meat market to the marriage market.
Charlotte, it doesn't work that way. I'm not kosher. I'm conservative.
I'm conservative, too.
My conservative doesn't have anything to do with wearing pearls.
Look, I know what you're thinking, okay?
"Why did I let things get this far without talking about this?
"Why did I sleep with you or even kiss you?"
- Why did you? - Because I couldn't not kiss you.
Not sleep with you, not see you.
Believe me, I never thought a shiksa goddess like you...
would fall for a putz like me.
You're not a putz.
Do you even know what "putz" means?
Yes, schmuck.
Sure you're not Jewish?
And from Jewish to pooish.
You got a little doody on your forehead.
What? Where?
No. Now you got more. The other side.
Which side?
Help! It's not funny. Baby-wipe me.
- Get it off! - "Baby-wipe me."
I did not say it like that. Just get it off.
"Baby-wipe me."
- Let's see how you like it. - No, Miranda!
No, knock it off!
Brady, tell Mommy to stop chasing Daddy.
What?
I don't think it's funny. You weren't the one with shit on your face.
You were chasing me.
I don't have time for this. I have to get up early.
I don't know why you're here. You dropped off the baby hours ago.
I don't have time to stand around while you read the paper...
and order food in...
Don't you have a life?
I got a life.
Bye, Brady.
I'm in love with Steve.
Hold this.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
Come on, are you seriously telling me you didn't know?
I knew. I just can't believe you admitted it.
I need a drink. What have you got?
It's 11:30 on a Saturday morning.
Did you not hear me just say I was in love with Steve?
I think I got an old bottle of Kahl�a somewhere.
Okay, hold on there, Brady.
Mama needs a cocktail.
Last night, we were in the dining room, and we were laughing.
All of a sudden, I looked over at him and I realized...
we belong together.
So I picked a fight and threw him out of my apartment.
Good thinking.
These Triscuits have been here since the mid-'80s.
I so cannot be in love with Steve.
Steve so is not the guy for me.
- Miranda... - You're right.
Steve so is the guy for me.
No, I was just asking if Brady can eat crackers yet.
No.
How can I have been wrong all these years?
You weren't wrong. It just took you a while to get here.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. I have a lot invested in this relationship.
- Plus we have the baby. - Plus you said you were in love with him.
So how are you gonna tell him?
Maybe I should take him somewhere romantic...
where I can't start a fight.
My God, Miranda. Do you know what this means?
You're asking Steve out on a date.
- Hi, Samantha. - Hiya.
You're looking good, Sam.
That night, as Samantha walked home...
past her friendly neighborhood bar, the Rampole...
she saw something truly upsetting.
Just what we need: Another Wall Street asshole with money.
Hold the door!
Hi, thanks. I live here.
See, here are my keys.
Chip Kilkenny. I've just moved in.
Samantha Jones. 3F.
I'm 4F. You're right under me.
That sounds promising.
That's quite a car.
I love a nice Hummer.
Good night.
And uptown, in a slightly less obvious maneuver...
- I'm close. - Honey!
Is this whole Jewish thing really that big a deal?
No! God!
The next morning, bright and early...
Good morning.
There's a happy face.
I am a happy face.
It's a beautiful morning, and the sun is shining.
And you changed your mind about the Jewish thing.
- What Jewish thing? When? - Last night.
I asked you if it was that important to you...
- and you said no. - I did?
Yeah.
When we were making love, right before you came.
How could you not remember?
Charlotte, honey, I can't remember my own name right before I come.
That's what you said.
Asking me to renounce Judaism during sex is a clear manipulation.
Blah, blah, blah!
I just don't understand. Why is it so important to you?
I promised my mother I would marry a Jew.
Your mother?
Charlotte had had her fill of potential husbands...
and their demanding mothers.
Harry's stock suddenly began to plummet.
Right before she died.
And just like that, it was up again.
I'm very sorry your mother is no longer with us...
because if she met me...
She'd fall in love with you like I did and not care?
No. Jews don't think like that.
Keeping tradition alive was very important to her.
She lost family in the Holocaust.
What?
Now I can't say anything because you've brought up the Holocaust.
Hi, it's me. Leave a message.
Hi, it's Jack.
Berger, not Kerouac.
I wanted to clear that up.
So, you're probably standing there screening.
Way to play it. I'm a big fan of the screen.
In fact, don't pick up or I'll just... I'll panic and hang up.
Don't pick up.
I'm not ready for actual voice-on-voice action.
So I'm jumping right in...
and suggesting dinner and a movie for the big date.
Everybody's really been loving that movie, Craig's Room.
Why don't we go and hate it?
Here come the movie times.
We have 5.'15, we have 7.'00...
And he calculated which times and which theaters...
would be least crowded, which says, "take charge."
Yet left the restaurant choice to me, which says, "flexible."
All in all, the perfect machine message.
I think Berger and I are going to be very happy together.
I love this time before the first date when you can say things like that...
and almost believe them.
- Why all the drama? - Because I really like him.
And you can imagine what that does to a girl.
Got it. Say no more. Really, say no more.
Right after, I got a message from this other fellow...
who I've known for a year, suddenly asking me out...
which only proves my theory:
The only thing a girl needs to get a date is another date.
Your stock is up.
- And did you say yes? - No, I already have a date.
Which is why you should say yes to the other one.
You're putting a lot of pressure on this Berger date.
Charlotte's right. You need to do something to take the edge off.
I am not going on a simu-date.
How many new outfits have you bought for this movie? Be honest.
None. Six. All returnable.
All right, maybe just a casual coffee to take the edge off Berger.
Exactly.
Later that day, I got to thinking about the stock market and dating.
Are they really that different?
If you have a bad stock, you can lose your shirt.
If you have a bad date, you can lose your will to live.
And if the date is good, the stakes get even higher.
After weathering all the ups and downs...
you could one day find yourself with nothing.
When it comes to finance and dating...
I couldn't help but wonder.'
"Why do we keep investing?"
And speaking of high-risk investments...
Hey, it's me. I'm not here.
Try me at Scout.' 957-7297.
Don't forget the 212.
Hi, Steve.
I need to talk to you about something.
How about we do it over dinner?
How's tomorrow night? Magda can sit with Brady.
Let me know. Bye.
It's Miranda and...
Bye.
Miranda feared it was possibly the most imperfect machine message ever.
And Samantha decided to say it with a basket.
Welcome Wagon.
Hi.
Excuse the towel. I was just gonna shower.
I brought you a basket filled with goodies...
to acquaint you with your new neighborhood.
Cheese, prosciutto, condoms, handcuffs.
- Handcuffs? - From the bar next door.
Enjoy.
If I reach for that, my towel will fall.
I'm no fool.
A little while later, Samantha blew Chip the stockbroker.
Yes!
Now that's what I call eating in.
I never do this, but here's a tip.
Elan Pharmaceuticals is gonna go straight through the roof.
Elan Pharmaceuticals.
- Thanks. - No, thank you.
That was the best F-ing head of my life.
Just like that, their mutual fun...
turned into mutual funds.
Later that week, I met graphic designer Willy Applegate...
for a late afternoon simu-date.
This is a cute place.
I hope it's okay. I didn't know.
But I figured, you can't go wrong with a garden, right?
- Yeah, it's great. - I hope it's okay.
I didn't know. I just said that.
It suddenly became clear that a simu-date for me...
was a first date for him.
Are you looking at my sty?
- Excuse me? - My sty.
I have a sty. See, right here.
I was gonna cancel, but then I thought:
"Maybe she won't even notice it."
I didn't even...
- No, I wasn't looking at it. - That's good.
What was that? Have you ever seen anything like it?
No, I have never.
This is a bad choice of place. I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
It's fun. It's like a "cappuccino wilderness safari."
Balsamic vinegar in my sty.
God, here.
Thanks. Could this go any worse?
What the fuck?
I'm fine.
It was a sudden crash no analyst had seen coming.
And in yet another type of market...
I hope you're happy now. I'm twice as nervous about my Berger date.
Caring too much is like a disaster magnet.
Poor guy.
Can you catch a sty helping someone up from gravel?
Where's the homeopathic section?
Maybe they make something called "Sty-B-Gone."
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
I'm thrown by the change of topic, but I do appreciate the trivia.
I'm reading her book My Love Affair with Jewelry.
Not surprising.
She changed her religion for the man she loved.
And a big old, honking piece of jewelry.
- Don't be so cynical. - Sorry, it's my potential sty talking.
Love. She did it for love.
Are you thinking of pulling an Elizabeth Taylor?
I need more information. There's more to being a Jew than jewelry.
Wise words. I'll meet you at the checkout.
Charlotte wondered just how far she would go for her true love.
Did you know that Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism for Eddie Fisher?
Now don't get too excited. We're just trading information here.
Okay.
From a not excited place I ask, is this something you might consider?
I'm just trying to understand what's so special about being a Jew.
- I feel like I'm on a game show. - I'm serious.
If this is really your bottom line, then you're gonna have to try...
and give me a reason, aside from your mother, that I can relate to.
If we were to get married...
Now, we're just trading information here.
...I would want our children to be raised Jewish.
Charlotte realized it was time to reveal to Harry...
her bottom line.
If that's really the reason, then I have to tell you something.
I may not be able to give you children.
I'm challenged in the reproductive area.
It's not hopeless, but it's difficult.
I guess I should have brought it up sooner, but I never thought we'd even...
I understand if you...
Charlotte.
I love you.
You are the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to a schmuck like me.
You're not a schmuck.
You're a putz.
Seriously, Harry...
you want a family...
and what if I couldn't give that to you?
We'd adopt or something.
But they wouldn't be your own.
What are you gonna do?
Charlotte York was deeply touched...
by Harry Goldenblatt's humor, compassion, and acceptance.
"If this is Jewish," she thought, "that's worth looking into."
Meanwhile, downtown, Samantha had moved her neighbor...
from stocks and bonds to stockings and bondage.
Go away. I'm busy.
- Miss Jones. - Juan.
- Who the fuck are you? - FBI.
Get dressed. You're under arrest for insider trading.
Turns out, Chip Kilkenny was quite the ladies' man.
And every time a woman went down, the Dow went up.
Ma'am, can you undo your cuffs so we can use ours?
Surely.
All the good ones are getting arrested.
And at a romantic restaurant, a 37-year-old single mother...
found herself on a first date.
You look pretty.
You got a date later?
No, it's just the dress.
Jeez Louise, it's dark in here. I can barely read my menu.
We need like another candle or something.
I think it's kind of nice.
I asked you here because...
I wanted to explain why I picked a fight with you last week.
Miranda, I know you. And I know why you picked a fight with me.
- You do? - Yeah.
You're upset 'cause I'm hanging around too much.
You think I'm getting too close. But you don't have to worry.
I just started seeing someone else...
and it's going really good.
So please relax.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
All that stuff I said to you about Steve never happened.
Don't mention it to anyone. Don't think about it.
Don't even so much as give me a look like you might be thinking about it.
Like that look. I can't ever, never see that look again.
Calm down. I think you're overreacting to that thing that never happened.
If you think I'm overreacting here, you should be inside my head.
I have to say this next thing...
but I will play along and not look at you while I say it.
Maybe if you had told Steve anyway...
I swear to God, I love you but I will have to kill you.
Brady, come on. Work with Mommy here. Please!
I'm sorry, but I'm looking and I'm talking.
This is your life.
You two have a baby together. It is not high school.
Isn't that Berger?
- God, I look like shit! - You don't look like shit.
I look like shit. This is not my perfect outfit.
- Are you leaving? - Yeah, bye.
Oh, God. Shit!
I was just entering the safety zone when...
There he was.
My emotional equivalent to the big crash of '29.'
Aidan.
- Look at you. - Look at you.
- I had a baby. - I have a date.
That's wonderful. This is him?
No, this isn't him. This is a stunt baby.
Yeah, it's him. This is the man: Tate.
I call him Tater 'cause he looks like one, you know.
No hair, big eyes.
He's cool. Aren't you, Tate?
- So where are you running to? - Home.
So things are good? They look good.
I'm just hanging out in front of this fabric store waiting for Tate's mom.
All right, don't laugh. I married another furniture designer.
- Really? - Yeah. What are you gonna do?
Yep. You can't fight city hall.
Cathy. She's great.
- You wanna come and meet her? - Another time.
- I really have to run. - Okay.
Bye, Tate.
Oh, God, Aidan.
It's good to see you.
You, too.
We should get together and have coffee sometime and catch up.
Great. Okay, we'll do that.
Bye.
There is the type of date you can't wait to keep.
And the type of date you both know you'll never keep.
A block later, I realized if Aidan and I could survive that huge a crash...
and both get out alive...
there was nothing I could do on a first date...
I couldn't bounce back from.
Berger, it's Carrie.
Hi, listen.
I'm standing outside the Sony Theater near Lincoln Center...
and Craig's Room starts in half an hour.
And there are no lines. Can you go now?
That's so weird. I'm right in that neighborhood.
Really? Must be fate.
- I'll be right there. - Okay. Bye.
This blows.
I had my special outfit all picked out for tonight.
I got the tickets.
Then I got the popcorn and the assorted chocolate goodies.
- Are you a candy gal? - I am the candy gal.
- 'Cause I'm a candy man. - Yeah?
No, I am serious. Sammy Davis ripped me off.
Sammy Davis. You don't feel the need to use the Junior?
No. Not at all.
- Really? - Nope.
And by close of Wall Street that day...
the NASDAQ was down, but amazingly, our stock was still up.
Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew