Hey, you guys? What are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, weII, Iet me see. I beIieve I'm....
Yes, faIIing asIeep in front of the TV.
WeII, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great pIay.
I couId faII asIeep at a pIay.
-What is it? -It's a one-woman pIay caIIed:
Why Don't You Like Me? A Bitter Woman's Journey Through Life.
-That sounds interesting. -That does sound interesting.
To Iisten to a woman compIain for two hours. I don't think it gets bet--
I know! I know. We can drive. We can vote. We can work.
What more do these broads want?
WeII, you guys wiII have a great time. I promise.
What? How come you don't have to go?
I wish I couId, but I found out...
...that I have to be at work reaIIy earIy the next day, so I can't go.
But take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Let's see. Who do I hate?
Oh, sorry.
-Oops, sorry. -Okay.
-Okay. Up we go.
-Oh, gosh, okay! -AII right.
Can I ask you a question?
Do you think it's possibIe for two friends to fooI around...
...and not have it be a big deaI?
No, I don't think that ever works. Why?
-No reason. -No, no. RacheI?
-Who do you want to fooI around with? -Nobody! Forget it.
Joey?
Maybe.
-You can't. -Why?
Because!
Okay, seriousIy, did not understand a word you just said.
-In the haII. -Okay.
-You wanna fooI around with Joey? -Yeah.
Ever since I had that dream about him, I can't get it out of my head.
I mean, what's the big deaI? PeopIe do it aII the time.
Who do you know that are friends that just fooI around?
Okay. Off the top of my head.... Don and Janet.
-Who are they? -I know them from work.
-Both of them? -No, just one of them.
Which one?
I don't know. What were the names I just said?
No, RacheI, things couId get incredibIy compIicated.
AII right. You're right. I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it--
Okay, so that's two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and a red onion?
What the heII are you cooking?
You guys won't beIieve what I have to do for work today.
Yes, but, Ross, you chose a career of taIking about dinosaurs.
There are these two professors who are joining my department...
...and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
What's so bad about that?
I just know they'II be a coupIe of oId windbags...
...wearing tweed jackets with suede eIbow patches.
Ross?
What? These aren't suede.
Excuse me. I'm Iooking for someone.
You don't, by any chance, know a Ross GeIIer?
No.
Hi. Hi, I'm Ross GeIIer.
Oh, hi. I'm Professor WheeIer.
Oh, that's-- That's-- That's nice.
It's good to meet you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to show me around.
No, it's no big deaI.
If I weren't doing this, I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Is he gonna introduce us?
I think we're just bIurry shapes to him now.
By the way, I reaIIy enjoyed your paper...
...on the connection between geographic isoIation and rapid mutagenesis.
I wrote that in one night.
Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
WeII, we shouId probabIy get going.
You know, we've got a Iot of ground to cover.
Isn't another professor supposed to come with us?
I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure. A Professor Spafford from CorneII?
WeII, he's obviousIy Iate, and the ruIe in my cIass is:
If you can't come on time, then don't come at aII.
An option that many of my students use.
-ShaII we? -We shouIdn't wait for him?
You know what, he's a big boy. I'm sure he'II find us, okay?
-Professor GeIIer? -Oh, damn it!
Hi, Joey, it's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party tonight.
Listen, I forgot your address. Can you give me a call? Thanks. Bye.
What's happening?
It's a reaI shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.
I'd Iove to, but I gotta get up so earIy the next day.
-You know me, work comes first. -Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hi, Joey, it's Jan Rogers. Can't wait for your party tonight.
Stupid Jan Rogers!
You are having a party tonight?
-No. -Joey!
Yeah.
I'm kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives peopIe.
And you weren't gonna teII us?
How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
I do it every year.
You do that every year?!
I didn't have to teII you that!
God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!
That's why you got us tickets to that pIay, to get rid of us!
Yeah.
Last year is that why you sent us to that MedievaI Times restaurant?
Yeah.
And the year before that, you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
I can't beIieve you guys went for that one.
Why wouIdn't you invite us to your parties?
You're fine, okay? But everyone eIse acts Iike an idiot around famous peopIe.
WeII, then, so just invite me.
PIease, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.
Joey, come on! PIease, pIease? Let me come. I wiII behave. I promise.
-I wiII behave. PIease, pIease, pIease. -Okay, fine. You can come.
But don't teII anybody eIse. It's up on the roof at 8.
A soap-opera roof party?!
I'm going to a soap-opera roof party! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
And it's out of my system.
And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the GaIápagos.
There was a seafood buffet you wouIdn't beIieve.
There were cIams and musseIs and oysters...
...and cracked crab...
...and snow crab...
...and king crab.
It's a pity I'm aIIergic to sheIIfish.
So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
-And that's not aII I'm aIIergic to. -Oh, it's not over.
I'm aIso aIIergic to peanuts and cashews...
...and aImonds and fiIberts--
So basicaIIy aII nuts!
InterestingIy, no.
You're kind of pIaying it fast and Ioose with the word ''interesting.''
If you'II excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
When I come back, remind me to teII you...
...about the different types of animaI dander I'm aIIergic to.
Oh, my God!
I've Iost the wiII to Iive.
-Let's ditch him. -What?
WhiIe he's stiII in the bathroom. I am begging you.
Okay. Okay, fine, but I just have one question for you.
When we exit, shouId we waIk or run...
...or prance or stroII--?
Stop it! Stop it! He taIks sIow, but he might pee fast. Okay, Iet's move!
-We actuaIIy managed to saIvage the day. -Yeah, we did.
Thanks for spending so much time with me.
I'm so Iucky it worked out you don't have cIass on Tuesday.
Right.
Oh, hey, you guys, this is CharIie.
CharIie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
-Hi. -CharIie wiII be joining my department.
-You're a paIeontoIogist too? -Yeah.
Oh, okay. Now, what do you think...
...of Renyard's new theory of species variegation in segmented arthropods?
WeII, I think he's a IittIe out there, but he does have some interesting ideas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Excuse me.
Renyard's theory of species variegation?
I saw the articIe on your coffee tabIe. I memorized the titIe to freak you out.
So did you two have fun?
Oh, my God. She's great.
We have so much in common, and she's just cooI, you know? And funny.
And I don't know if you've noticed, but she's a hottie!
Hi!
Hi, you guys. Listen, you know what, I'm not feeIing reaIIy weII...
...and I don't think I'm gonna get to go to the pIay.
ReaIIy? What's wrong?
I don't know. I think it's kind of serious.
You know, I was watching this thing on TV this morning...
...about NewcastIe disease, and I think I might have it.
NewcastIe disease is a secretion-borne virus...
...that onIy affects chickens and other pouItry.
Okay, who's this?
I'm sorry. RacheI, this is CharIie WheeIer. She's a coIIeague.
Hi. WeII, I wouId shake your hand...
...but I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease.
-RacheI, can I see you for a second? -Sure.
You're not sick.
What? Yes, I am!
Okay, then why are you aII dressed up?
When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourseIf feeI better.
You just want to stay home so you can make a move on Joey.
No, I heard you before. That is so not what this is.
Okay, then what is this?
Okay.
Joey is having a secret Days of Our Lives party up on the roof.
And he sent you guys to the pIay to get rid of you.
What?!
What? What's going on?
Joey is having a secret Days of Our Lives party up on the roof!
He didn't want you to know about it, but I came over here to teII you.
-You came to say you were sick. -AII right, professor or detective?
Wait, Joey's having a party, and he wasn't gonna invite us?
He does it every year. That's why he's sending you to the pIay.
That's why he sent us to that medievaI restaurant and to that button factory.
And that horribIe museum tour?
No, I arranged that.
Hey, you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
We know about your party, Joey.
-What party? -The game's over. Take off your robe.
Okay, I mean....
CIose it up! CIose it up!
Nice to meet you.
Hey, you made it! AII right!
GIad you couId make it. Thanks for coming.
-Oh, my God. KyIe Lowder! -Hi.
I Iove you!
Hey. That's why I didn't invite you. You have to caIm down, aII right?
Just go get yourseIf a drink or something.
Oh, yeah, that's what you want. My inhibitions Iowered.
Oh, my God, can you beIieve we're surrounded by aII this?
I can bareIy controI myseIf.
Monica, you might want to remember that you're married.
Where is ChandIer anyway?
Oh, my God! ChandIer!
Where the heII is everybody?
Why Don't You Like Me?
Chapter 1 : My First Period.
Hey, Joey said no autographs.
But if she's getting one, I want one too!
''To Monica.'' And none of this ''best wishes'' crap. I want ''Iove.''
Okay, actuaIIy, Mon, Matthew was giving me his phone number.
Oh, man! If I had known I was coming to this party...
...I never wouId've gotten married!
-It was nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
-CaII me. -We wiII!
Look at you with aII the guys! I guess you've forgotten aII about Joey.
Yeah, weII, I guess I have forgotten about Joey.
And cIearIy, you've forgotten about ChandIer.
PIease. ChandIer's the Iove of my Iife.
Oh, Ieather pants! Have mercy!
So do you get to go to things Iike this often?
Come on, this is New York.
I mean, one night you're at a rooftop party fiIIed with soap stars...
...and the next night, you're....
Who am I kidding, this is so cooI.
So it's probabIy gonna be hard for you to Ieave Boston, huh?
ActuaIIy, I'm kind of happy to be Ieaving. I just broke up with someone.
Oh, so sad.
StiII, it can't be easy for you to Ieave Harvard.
EspeciaIIy after working with a NobeI Prize winner Iike AIbert Wintermeyer.
ActuaIIy, AIbie is the guy I broke up with.
-You dated AIbert Wintermeyer? -Yeah.
And you caIIed him ''AIbie''?
I mean, that's Iike caIIing AIbert Einstein....
AIbie.
Yeah, weII, he is a briIIiant man.
You think? I mean, you dated the guy...
...who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 1 0!
Yes, and whiIe that is everything one Iooks for in a boyfriend...
...he had a Iot of issues.
Oh, Iike what?
I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry. It's just that this must be...
...what reguIar peopIe experience when they watch Access Hollywood.
Okay, you want the dirt?
AIbie was seriousIy insecure.
He was reaIIy intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Who's intimidating to a guy who won the NobeI Prize?
A guy who won two.
Two? What--?
Don't teII me you dated Benjamin Hobart?
Yeah, for three years.
Oh, my God.
Have you ever been in a reIationship with someone who hasn't won the NobeI Prize?
No.
But there was my first boyfriend, BiIIy.
Oh, yeah? No NobeI Prizes for him?
No, but he did just win the MacArthur ''genius grant.''
What a Ioser.
Some more wine?
Hey, Ross. How's it going with CharIie?
Oh, great. After I finish my wine...
...I'm gonna bIow my average-sized brains out.
What's the matter?
She onIy dates geniuses and NobeI Prize winners.
Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earIier today...
...I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a wooIIy mammoth.
I aIways Ioved that.
Of course you wouId! Your brains are smaIIer than mine!
I can't compete with the guys she goes out with.
They're so out of my Ieague.
Oh, my God!
-Worse? -Oh, much, much worse.
I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earIiest amphibians.
''Can we waIk?''
-Oh, you Iike that? -No.
What?
Come on! I think that's funny!
WooIIy mammoth.
It's good!
I bet you're thinking that now wouId be a great time for an intermission, huh?
Oh, yes. God, yes.
WeII, you're not gonna get one!
Because in Iife, there are no intermissions, peopIe!
Now, Chapter 7: Divorce is a Four-Letter Word!
How couId he Ieave me?!
I don't know. You seem IoveIy.
Ross, this is one of my costars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
-Nice to meet you. -So, what show are you on?
I'm not an actor. I'm a professor of paIeontoIogy.
That's science.
Hey, weII, Iisten, I pIay a scientist on Days.
Yeah, my character just won a NobeI Prize.
Ross, Dirk was wondering about the woman you brought and if you guys are together?
WeII, no, but....
I mean, she onIy goes out with reaIIy, reaIIy smart guys.
Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
I'd Iead with that.
That's it. Just sign right on the bra.
Monica!
Don't worry, Joe. I won't come next year!
What the--?
What do you got there?
Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
Oh, reaIIy? Let me see.
Damn, that's a Iot of guys.
Are you a IittIe sIutty?
I think I am.
Let me see if I approve of any of these cIowns.
-This guy wears a rug. -WeII....
This guy's Canadian.
Oh, and this guy is in a cuIt, okay?
It'II cost you $5000 to get to IeveI three, and I don't feeI any different.
Pass. Pa-- Oh, pass. Pass.
-Why? What's wrong with these guys? -WeII, nothing major.
It's just that, you know, they're not reaIIy good enough for you...
...and you deserve the best.
Joey, you're so sweet.
It's true, but it doesn't matter. I aIready know who you're going home with.
Who?
Me.
What?
ReaIIy?
Yeah, because we Iive together. It's a joke! It's a joke.
Right! That's funny! I get it!
-Got you! -You're funny, Joey.
Oh, my God.
So how did you enjoy the pIay?
Oh, my God. Honey, I am so, so, so, so sorry.
WeII, you shouId be.
You missed the most powerfuI three hours in the history of the theater.
-You reaIIy Iiked it? -Oh, yeah. I mean, at first I hated it.
But why wouIdn't I? Because as a man, I've been trained not to Iisten!
But after Chapter 1 6:
Fat, SingIe and Ready to MingIe...
...I was upIifted.
-Oh, reaIIy? -Oh, yeah.
I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman.
TeII me-- TeII me about your first period.
No!
Did somebody sign your bra?
So I got it when I was 1 3. Very difficuIt.
Hey, Ross? So Iisten, about you and the dinosaur girI?
Are you reaIIy just gonna Iet a coupIe of NobeI Prizes scare you off?
What is that? Come on, a piece of paper?
It's actuaIIy a miIIion-doIIar prize.
Go, CharIie!
But my point is...
...okay, so she dated them, but she aIso broke up with them.
Maybe she's Iooking to, you know, sIum it with some average Joe Ph.D.
Yeah, maybe, and I do have my whoIe career in front of me.
I mean....
I couId stiII win a NobeI Prize.
AIthough the Iast two papers I've written were wideIy discredited.
You're so much more than just brains. You are sweet and kind and funny.
And sexy.
Okay, weII, give her a chance to see aII that.
Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
-Thanks. I'm gonna go find her. -Good for you.
And your paper on punctuated equiIibrium in the Devonian Era was topnotch.
Stop going through my stuff!
I just wanted to Iet you know I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kiss Joey.
No! You can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
PIease! What about you and ChandIer?
That's different. I was drunk and stupid.
WeII, heIIo?
What about aII the guys that you got the phone numbers from?
-Why don't you just kiss one of them. -I couId...
...but I don't want to. I want to kiss Joey.
AII right. I think it's a big mistake, but it's your decision.
I'm gonna do it.
-And I can't stop you? -No.
WeII, can I at Ieast have the phone numbers.
Hey, Rach, have you seen CharIie anywhere?
I'm smarter than him!
Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, ChandIer.
This was a reaIIy important experience for me and I wanted to share it with you.
You're so wonderfuI.
Why Don't You Like Me?
Chapter 1 : My First Period.
I can't beIieve you guys bought that. Enjoy your sIow death.
ENGLISH