-You ready to go? -Let me just finish this.
Hey, Ross. Check this out.
Yeah, I can't do that.
-What are you doing? -Have you seen this?
It's our new aIumni website for coIIege.
You can post messages for peopIe, Iet everyone know what you're up to.
Oh, great. A faster way to teII peopIe that I'm unempIoyed and chiIdIess.
It's actuaIIy interesting to find out what peopIe are doing.
Remember Andrea Rich?
That taII girI that wouIdn't sIeep with you?
WeII, her Internet company went under, and she Iost an ear in a boating accident.
Bet she'd sIeep with you now.
No, I aIready e-maiIed her.
Let me see what you wrote about yourseIf.
''Doctor of paIeontoIogy, two kids.''
Wait a second. You spIit with CaroI because you had different interests?
I think you spIit with CaroI because you had one very simiIar interest.
I'm gonna finish this Iater, okay? Let me just grab my coat.
Okay!
What, did you think you Iearned how to do it in the Iast two minutes?
Maybe we finish this for him.
AIso, I cIoned a dinosaur in my Iab.
She is now my girIfriend.
I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had.
-And send. -No, no-- You can't do that to him.
-AII right, Iet's go. -Dude!
I think you made it cIear you can't be trusted with the baII inside the house.
And send.
Hey. How was basketbaII?
It was fun. Right up untiI ChandIer got a finger in the eye.
Oh, no! Who did that?
ChandIer. Yeah.
Hey!
-Rach? -Yeah?
What's Huggsy doing in the crib with Emma?
She was just crawIing around and found him, so I just Iet her sIeep with him.
-That's aII right, isn't it? -Of course. Yeah.
It's a stuffed animaI, you know? It's for kids. Not for aduIts.
I know that.
Joey, you're sure? I mean, I know how much you Iove him.
RacheI, Iet's be cIear on this, okay? I do not Iove Huggsy.
I Iike him a normaI amount.
AII right. WeII, Emma Ioves him.
Yeah. WeII, why wouIdn't she? He's a wonderfuI person!
-Hi. -Hey, Phoebe. How you doing?
-You feeIing better? -Breaking up sucks.
-Oh, I reaIIy miss Mike. -Oh, I'm so sorry.
I've tried everything to feeI better. I even tried writing a song about it...
...but I can't think of anything that rhymes with:
Oh, I so know how you feeI.
Breaking up with Richard was the hardest thing I've ever done in my Iife.
AII right, fine, I'II put another doIIar in the Richard jar.
Hey, Monica, I'm gonna need your heIp getting through this.
You're saying you're not gonna need my heIp?
No. When I get to the point where I'm ready...
...to hear crueI, mocking jokes about Mike, I'm gonna come to you.
Oh, good, because I've aIready thought of three. Four! I just thought of a fourth!
Okay. I mean, I know I did the right thing.
Mike never wants to get married...
...and I shouIdn't be in a reIationship that has no future.
But pretty soon, I'm gonna miss him so much...
...I'm gonna want to see him again, and you have to stop me.
Okay, you got it.
UnIess.... Am I being too crazy about this?
AII right, so there's no future. But that doesn't mean we stiII can't have fun.
-You know what? Forget what I said. -ReaIIy?
-AII right, if that's what you want. -That was a test, and you just faiIed.
Damn it! Rookie mistake!
I have sex with dinosaurs?
I beIieve I read that somewhere.
Not onIy is it not funny, it's physicaIIy impossibIe! Okay?
Depending on the species, I'd have to have a 6-foot-Iong-- It's not funny!
I respectfuIIy disagree.
I can't beIieve you put that on my aIumni page.
-Who cares? Nobody reads those. -You better hope not...
...because I just read what you put on your page.
-I don't have a page. -Oh, I respectfuIIy disagree!
Huggsy?
Huggsy.
I want my penguin.
Look at you. All sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel.
With Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.
It's okay, Emma. You stay asIeep.
Step away from the crib! I have a weapon!
It's okay! It's okay, Rach! It's me! Put down the scrunchie.
-What are you doing? -WeII, I heard Emma stirring...
...so I came in to make sure she couId reach Huggsy.
Oh, thanks. AII right, weII, now that I'm up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, there you go, sweetie.
This isn't over!
Wait a second. Why wouId Ross teII everyone in your cIass...
...that you are ''as gay as the day is Iong''?
Because I toId everyone he sIept with dinosaurs.
WeII, that's cIearIy a joke. This couId easiIy be true.
WouId you get that, pIease? PeopIe have been caIIing to congratuIate me aII day.
HeIIo?
No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife.
Yeah. WeII, it came as quite a shock to me too!
WeII, I guess I shouId've known. He just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
Hang up! Hang up!
And that was a great movie.
I'm so gonna get back at Ross.
Oh, yeah, this'II show him. Here we go.
-What are you doing? -Oh, you'II see, my friend!
I'm dead?
And so young.
Posting that I died? That reaIIy isn't funny.
WeII, how you died was funny.
Oh, pIease. Hit by a bIimp?
It kiIIs over one Americans every year.
UnbeIievabIe. My cIassmates are gonna think I'm dead.
My professors. My parents are gonna get phone caIIs!
You're messing with peopIe's feeIings here.
You wanna taIk about peopIe's feeIings? You shouId have heard how hurt...
...Professor Stern was when I toId him I wouIdn't be abIe to go to Key West!
You've reaIIy crossed a Iine here. But that's okay.
Because I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software...
...and a stack of gay porn.
That's right. Your coming-out is about to get reaI graphic!
God, I wish Mike were here.
Okay, if Mike were here, what wouId the two of you be doing?
What are you, animaIs? It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
I gotta caII him. Just to taIk to him. There's no harm in that.
That's how it starts. ''I don't need to eat the cake, I'II just smeII the icing.
Why not just a IittIe sIiver?'' Or, ''Okay, just a sIice or two.''
The next thing you know, you're 21 0 pounds...
...and you get wedged in going down the tunneI sIide!
-That's not true, is it? -They had to cut me out...
...with the Jaws of Life.
Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard.
But Iook, if you taIk to him, then you're gonna want to see him.
And if you see him, you're gonna wanna get back together.
And I know that's not what you want.
AII right, so give me your phone.
Here.
-And now your ceII. -Okay.
There you go.
-This is your ceII phone? -Yes.
This is your current ceII phone?
Yes. It reminds me of a simpIer time.
Phoebe? Where's your purse?
-Hey! No! -No!
-Give it to me! -You can't have it!
-Give it to me! -No!
-I'II go in there! -Oh, yeah.
-Phoebe, come here! -No!
-Give it to me! -You're crazy!
Damn you, Monica GeIIer hyphen Bing!
Don't even think of sneaking out and using a pay phone...
...because I am everywhere, baby!
Hey, Iook who's here. It's Joey. And he brought home a friend.
Emma's right here. You promised not to bring girIs home in the middIe of the day!
No, no, no, it's not a girI. It's...
...a brand-new Huggsy!
Oh! Oh, that's so great! Now Emma has two Huggsies!
No, no. Oh, no. No, Emma has one Huggsy.
The new Huggsy.
The other Huggsy, I don't know, I guess I'II just take him back.
You know what? When I was a IittIe girI, I had a IittIe pink pony named Cotton.
Oh, I Ioved her so much. I took her everywhere. I wouId braid her taiI--
Make the transfer!
ShouId I be concerned that a button feII off the oId Huggsy and I can't find it?
No, don't worry about it. I swaIIowed that years ago. Hey!
Oh, what? I don't think she Iikes the new Huggsy.
-But he's the same. -I think she wants the oId one back.
-Yeah, but he's the same. -Joey, come on.
But he's the same!
You're not the same.
You know, it's a Iot Iess surprising to do that...
...after I've buzzed you into the buiIding.
So, Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door?
Those are my shoes.
WeII, when you get over this breakup, we need to go shopping.
Look, Monica, I reaIIy appreciate you checking in on me.
-But I'm actuaIIy feeIing a Iot better. -You are?
Yeah, I just kind of want to be aIone right now.
-Who's that? -I ordered Chinese food.
What are the chances?!
One biIIion Chinese peopIe, and they send Mike!
-What are you doing here? -Phoebe caIIed me.
-Phoebe! -I'm sorry. I broke down.
I wanted to see him.
WeII, not on my watch.
Damn it, Phoebe, how did you even caII him?
There's a speakerphone on the base unit.
Base unit. Think, Monica, think!
-Can I come in? -No! No.
Phoebe, isn't seeing Mike exactIy what you wanted me to stop you from doing?
-Look, if I want to see Phoebe, and she-- -This doesn't concern you!
Sorry. I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name.
Look, guys, you can't do this.
It's gonna make getting over each other harder.
Not if nothing happens. Why can't we just hang out as friends?
Sure. If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'II join you.
You know, I'm your friend and Mike's friend.
Sit down.
Make room for your friend.
-So how have you been? -I've been pretty good.
-You Iook reaIIy beautifuI. -Thanks. You Iook good too.
No, no, no. This is dangerous territory. Keep it cIean.
So how's the piano pIaying going?
ActuaIIy, I've been pIaying a Iot of Iove songs IateIy.
-I've missed you. -I've missed you too.
You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up.
And then a pigeon ate it.
Hey. Ross.
Look, I just wanted to apoIogize.
Don't teII me you actuaIIy made those gay pictures of me.
Check this out.
So that's what I'd Iook Iike if I worked out.
And was being serviced by a poIiceman.
You're not gonna actuaIIy send these out, are you?
ActuaIIy, I don't need to, because your IittIe ''Ross is dead'' joke didn't work.
Okay? There were no responses.
Nobody posted anything, nobody caIIed my parents, so the joke is on you.
Nobody caIIed, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead.
Oh, my God.
-Nobody cares that I'm dead? -Oh, come on, you know that's not true.
What are you taIking about? You get 60 responses...
...just for coming out of the cIoset.
I didn't get one response, and I'm dead!
WeII, the gay community is a Iot more vocaI than the dead community.
I can't beIieve this. Not even my geoIogy Iab partner. And I carried that guy!
Look, Iet's think about this, okay?
You think peopIe are gonna disturb your famiIy at this tragic time?
That peopIe are gonna post condoIences on a website?
This isn't about peopIe not caring.
This is about peopIe not having a decent outIet for their grief.
-You're right. There isn't a decent outIet. -Right.
I'm sure if you had a funeraI or memoriaI service, tons of peopIe wouId come.
ExactIy!
Ross, what are you doing?
You're having a memoriaI service for yourseIf?
No, that wouId be stupid. You're having it for me.
-Ross, don't press send. Don't press-- -No, too Iate. Too Iate. It's sent.
Sorry, so is that picture of you and the poIiceman.
That's aII right. I'm tan, Iimber....
And it Iooks Iike I taIked my way out of that ticket.
The surgery was not a success. And then you say:
''What are we gonna do, Drake?''
Come in.
I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap. Have you seen Huggsy?
OriginaI or crappy?
-OriginaI. -No. Sorry. Haven't seen him.
Then what's that big Iump under your covers?
-It's Monica, okay? -That's not Monica!
AII right, fine! It's originaI Huggsy!
I know Emma wants him, but he's mine and I need him.
She's being unreasonabIe.
Joey, there is a reason that Emma Ioves that stupid penguin so much!
Oh, don't cover its ears!
It's because it reminds her of her UncIe Joey.
-It does? -Yeah.
And I think she reaIIy Iikes him because he smeIIs Iike you.
And she-- She Ioves that.
Go figure.
And she's comforted by him because she Ioves her UncIe Joey so much.
-ReaIIy? She Ioves me? -Oh, yeah.
But you know what? If you need Huggsy, don't worry.
Emma wiII totaIIy understand. I won't, but whatever.
Okay, wait a minute, Rach. I mean, if....
If Huggsy means that much to Emma, then....
WeII, she can have him.
Oh, sweet, I knew UncIe Joey wouId step up.
-Look, Emma. Look who's back. -No, forget it! Forget it! I can't do it!
Are you--? You're gonna take Huggsy away from a IittIe chiId?
How do you think I got him in the first pIace?
And then it just gobbIed up that puke. I mean....
That was one gross pigeon.
Oh, man. Why didn't I ask Joey to keep us apart?
You throw a meatbaII in the haIIway, we'd be doing it Iike rabbits right now.
AII right, you two. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I don't want anything going on whiIe I'm gone.
Here's a few things you can discuss:
Mucus, fungus, and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
I've missed you so much.
I won't ask you to get back together. I know we want different things, but....
-Just to be with you one more night. -I want that too.
-But is that gonna make it too hard? -It can't be any harder than this.
I mean, if I had known the Iast time I saw you wouId be the Iast time, I--
I wouId have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved.
Everything about you.
If I had known the Iast time I kissed you wouId be the Iast time...
...I never wouId have stopped.
Kiss him, you fooI!
-What? -Didn't you hear that speech?
If you don't kiss him, then I wiII.
I missed you so much.
-I knew you'd be here! -Crap.
-Who is this? -My friend Manny.
I asked him to keep me away from you.
-Hey, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe. -WeII, you're not doing a very good job.
-Excuse me? -What's with the kissing?
Hey, at Ieast I knew where my guy was.
Yeah, thank God you were here to oversee aII the kissing.
-You didn't hear the speech. -I've heard the speech.
If he knew it was gonna be the Iast time--
Hey, it was very moving. You're just heartIess!
-You're weak! -You're weird!
Your pants are undone.
Where'd they go?
-Damn it. -WeII, we bIew it.
I bIame myseIf.
And I bIame you too.
It's been an hour, and not one of my cIassmates has shown up?
I teII you, when I actuaIIy die, some peopIe are gonna get seriousIy haunted.
There you go. Someone came.
Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go hide.
This is so exciting. My first mourner!
Hi. GIad you couId come.
-PIease come in. -Hi. You're ChandIer Bing, right?
-I'm Tom Gordon. I was in your cIass. -Oh, yes. Yes, Iet me take your coat.
Thanks. I'm so sorry about Ross, it's....
No, at Ieast he died doing what he Ioved.
Watching bIimps.
-Who is it? -You know some guy, Tom Gordon?
I don't remember him.
But then again, I touched so many Iives.
So did you know Ross weII?
ActuaIIy, I bareIy knew him. I came because I heard ChandIer's news.
Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
-Yes, he is. Me. -What? You mean--?
Can I ask you a personaI question? How do you shave your beard so cIose?
Okay, Tommy! That's enough mourning for you.
Here we go. Bye-bye. AII right.
-Hey, Iisten. CaII me. -Okay.
-I'm dead and no one cares? -I Iook Iike a man?
PIease, one ridicuIous probIem at a time.
This isn't ridicuIous. Look around, no one's here.
You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone checks the website every day.
And Monica, it's probabIy the way you stand!
I guess you're right. StiII, somebody must have seen it.
I went to that schooI for four years and I didn't have an impact on anyone?
WeII, that's not true. You had an impact on me.
I mean, it's 1 5 years Iater and we're stiII best friends.
Doesn't that count for something?
Oh, great, more party boys for ChandIer.
I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now go hide.
Hi. I'm here for Ross GeIIer's memoriaI service.
-Kori? Kori Weston? -Yeah.
-You Iook amazing. -And you are?
ChandIer. ChandIer Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at aII.
You are married, though.
Don't Iisten to him. He's in a reaIIy bad mood.
I can't beIieve that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
I didn't know Ross and you were so cIose.
Oh, we weren't. But we had one cIass together. He was such a great guy.
And he taIked so passionateIy about science.
-I aIways remembered him. -I'm sure that wouId mean a Iot to him.
And if heaven has a door...
...I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and Iistening intentIy.
I thought so many times about caIIing him and asking him out.
I guess I reaIIy missed my chance.
No, you didn't!
I'm stiII aIive!
Who did we bury?
Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you.
It's a Iong story. But the things you just said reaIIy made my day.
The fact that you're here means more to me...
...than if this room were fiIIed with peopIe.
You sick freak! Who does that?
I can't beIieve I had a crush on you.
Did you hear that?
Kori Weston had a crush on me!
No, Mom, I am not dead.
I know it's not something to kid about.
It was just a practicaI joke between ChandIer and me, but it's over, okay?
ActuaIIy, no. Even if I had died, you wouId not be Ieft chiIdIess.
Monica?
ENGLISH