She's crawIing! Emma's crawIing!
He's bIeeding! Joey's bIeeding!
I'm sorry. You've gotta see this. I'm gonna go get Monica and ChandIer.
Monica! ChandIer!
Come over! Come over! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
What? What?
-Shaving? -No, rabies.
-What's going on? -It's Emma. She's crawIing.
Wow, Iook at her go.
Give her a second.
I can't beIieve how fast she's growing up. It seems Iike onIy yesterday she was...
...farting on my Iap.
Not so funny when someone does that to you, is it?
Emma, come on. Show everybody how you were crawIing.
I think we're distracting her. Let's everybody be stiII for a minute.
Who's painting us?
Have you seen our bank statement? Can this be right?
I know. God, I haven't seen my savings take a hit Iike this...
...since I was a kid and they came up with DoubIe Stuf Oreos.
-What happened to aII of our money? -I'm not sure exactIy what they did...
...but I'm incIined to bIame Enron.
With you doing the internship, we're spending more than we're bringing in.
Yeah, maybe I shouId quit and get a job that pays.
But you're finaIIy doing something that you Iove.
I mean, I can't ask you to give that up.
AIthough it wouId be nice if the thing that you Ioved was finding goId.
You know, I think we're making too big a deaI out of this.
We'II pay our biIIs Iate this month. Next month we'II cut back on a few things.
And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change.
You're a chef. What can you make out of baking soda and beer?
Worst-case scenario is, we borrow some money from my parents.
Or, you sIipped on ice at their house Iast month. Can we sue them?
No, and we're not borrowing money.
-Why not? -We don't do that. We are Bings.
If there's one thing my father taught me, it was...
...weII, to aIways knock before going into the pooI house.
-The other thing is, never borrow money. -I had no idea you had this much pride.
That's right, I do. I am your man. I'm gonna get us through this situation...
...even if it means you working twice as hard.
You know, it's just reaIIy weird.
You don't Iike eating animaIs, but you Iove watching them tear each other apart.
No, I don't-- Get him. Get him!
Separate the sick one from the herd!
-I'm gonna go. -Why?
I haven't been home in days, and I need to get more cIothes.
You don't have to go. I have something that'II fit you.
I put that tube top on as a joke.
-I want you to stay. -I want to stay too.
But I've got as much use out of these boxers as I can.
-Why don't you turn them inside-- -Done it.
-I'II be back in a coupIe of hours. -AII right. I'II miss you.
Me too.
Oh, fine. Yeah, you got away.
But don't Iook so smug. You're gonna bIeed to death.
You know what? I just reaIized something. I don't want to go home.
-Great! Okay, I'II go get the tube top. -No, no, what I mean is...
...I hate going back to my apartment now.
PartIy because I Iive above a known crack den...
...but, you know, mostIy because when I'm there, I reaIIy miss you.
So...
...do you want to move in together?
Wow, Mike Hanigan...
...you sure know how to make a girI say ''HeII, yeah.''
-So we're doing it? -Yeah, Iet's do it. Let's Iive together.
-We're reaIIy gonna move in together? -Yeah.
I've aIways wanted to Iive with a guy.
Pick up your socks. Put down the toiIet seat.
No, we are not having sex anymore.
It's gonna be fun.
Shame on you, TV Guide.
A man's ass is not nudity!
-Hey, Joey. -Hey.
Listen, I need to know that what I'm about to ask you...
...wiII never get back to ChandIer.
I'd be Iying if I said I hadn't thought about it myseIf.
But ChandIer is my best friend. It wouId be wrong.
Good, but wrong.
Okay, first of aII, it wouId be great.
But that's not what I'm here to taIk to you about. I need to borrow money.
Oh, I don't know, Monica. You know...
...Iending friends money is aIways a mistake.
-But ChandIer Ient you money. -And he wouId teII you it was a mistake.
Come on, I just.... I need it for some rent and some other biIIs.
WeII, how much?
-Two thousand doIIars? -Two thousand doIIars?
What do you think I am, a soap opera star?
-Yeah. -That's right, I am.
Promise me you'II never teII ChandIer.
It'II reaIIy hurt his pride.
ChandIer? Pride?
I know, he thinks he has it. It's reaIIy cute.
-Hi, you guys. -Hey.
-What's in the bag? -You know how Emma started crawIing?
I reaIized that this pIace is very unsafe for a baby...
...so I went to the store and I got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Oh, God, baby-proofing.
Why is it such a big deaI now? You know, when I was a kid, it was Iike:
''Whoops, Joey feII down the stairs.''
Or, ''Whoops, Joey eIectrocuted himseIf again.''
Anyway, are you going to get a handyman to instaII this stuff?
No, I was just gonna do it myseIf.
-You're gonna do it? -Yeah. Why?
-You don't think a woman can do this? -Women can. You can't.
Monica, wiII you pIease teII Joey that he is a pig.
-You're a pig. And you can't do this. -What?
What? Come on, I found the hardware store aII by myseIf.
The store's right down the street.
There is a hardware store right down the street?
Hey, you guys? Okay, we've got great news.
-Phoebe and I are moving in together. -CongratuIations.
I know, it's so exciting. You know, I've never Iived with a guy before.
WeII, it's just Iike Iiving with a girI, onIy they don't steaI your makeup.
UnIess they're pIaying ''This Is What My Sister WouId Look Like.''
Yeah, she's not so cute.
-I'm gonna go to the bathroom. -WeII, you put down the toiIet seat.
Yes, dear.
-Is that a bit you guys do? -Uh-huh. We're pIaying you two.
We don't do that. TeII her we don't do that.
Yes, dear.
I can't beIieve you're moving in together. I'm happy for you guys.
I mean, he's a great catch. And those eyes....
I'm a scientist. I observe.
Gosh, this is so exciting! You guys are reaIIy moving aIong.
-I hear wedding beIIs. -Monica, sIow down, okay?
I'm just excited to be Iiving with him.
You know, I mean, I don't know...
...can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure. Yeah.
I couId picture myseIf waIking down the aisIe in a wedding dress...
...that highIights my breasts in an obvious yet cIassy way.
But do I want that house in Connecticut near the good schooIs...
...where Mike and I couId send IittIe Sophie and Mike Jr.?
Oh, my God, I do.
-I had no idea you were so conventionaI. -I know. I guess I am.
Oh, my God, Ioad up the VoIvo, I want to be a soccer mom.
-You ready to go? -Yeah, you bet, roomie.
Don't you mean ''groomie''?
Honey, Ieave the terribIe jokes to me.
-What are you taIking about? -PIease.
We haven't even moved in yet, and they have us picking out china patterns.
China patterns!
This is easy. ''Can't do this....''
Wow, seriousIy. Can't do this.
-Hey, Joe. -Hey.
You here with somebody?
No.
Look, I need to ask you a favor, and we can't teII Monica anything about it.
-I thought you guys didn't have secrets. -That wiII remain the officiaI party Iine.
Look, Monica and I are having a IittIe financiaI troubIe.
-Yeah, I know. -What? What do you mean, you ''know''?
I just figured it out, you know?
I mean, you're not working, and the economy is bad.
Oh, right.
That is the fastest I have ever thought.
Anyway...
...I need to borrow some money.
Oh, sure. Yeah, how much? Two thousand doIIars?
Yes, $2000 exactIy. How did you know that?
I know how much you used to make, and I know how much your rent is.
Oh, okay.
I am on fire.
Listen, this is reaIIy nice.
Did you write a check to Monica for $2000?
Did Monica borrow money from you?
-Kind of. -I can't beIieve her.
Did she teII you we were having money probIems?
No, no, no. It wasn't because of your money probIems.
It was for something for her.
What?
Something personaI.
What wouId she get for $2000 that she wouIdn't teII me about?
Excuse me.
Boob job.
What? That's ridicuIous. She doesn't need a boob job.
Why wouIdn't she teII me about it?
She was afraid you wouIdn't be supportive.
-I'm not. -She knows you weII.
You can't teII her that you know. I swore I wouIdn't teII.
A boob job? She doesn't need that. That's crazy.
WeII, it's not that crazy, okay?
Making them smaIIer, that wouId be crazy.
Hey, so where do you keep your secret box of porn?
I don't have any porn.
Back of the cIoset in my bedroom.
Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you about Monica's IittIe ''groomie'' joke.
WeII, I think the reason peopIe Iaughed is that it's a pIay on the word ''roomie.''
I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was.
No, the thing I want to say is....
Maybe we shouId've taIked about this before.
Us Iiving together, you're not expecting a proposaI, right?
-Oh, no, no. Not at aII. -Okay.
We're just moving in right now. We'II see where it goes.
Yeah, weII, that's the thing. For me, it's as far as it can ever go.
-What do you mean? -Look, Phoebe, I....
I Iove you very much. But I never want to get married again.
-Wow. -It's just, my first marriage was...
...you know, such a disaster that I kind of Iost faith in the whoIe idea.
-Was it that bad? -At one point, near the end...
-...she deIiberateIy defecated on my-- -Okay, weII, that's bad. Yeah.
But don't you think it might be different with someone eIse? Perhaps...
...a bIond who aIways uses the toiIet?
Except for once in the ocean.
Look, it's not about who I wouId marry.
I was certain the first time I got married it'd Iast forever. I was wrong.
-But, it just-- -Look, Phoebe, it's not about you.
I just never want to get married again.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay with that? If not, maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
No. Oh, I definiteIy don't want to get married.
I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to, too.
Because if we move in and you start changing your mind...
...there is gonna be heII to pay, mister.
-Trust me. I wiII never-- -Yeah, I get that. Yeah.
Hi. So you gave in and decided to caII someone?
Yeah. I don't know who I was kidding. I can bareIy use chopsticks.
-You're aII set. -Oh, thank you so much.
Wait. You forgot your...
...game.
Thank you.
-Rach, is this my sweater? -Yeah.
What happened to the sIeeve?
Moths?
Hey, Rach. There she is, my perfectIy proportioned wife.
Don't Iook at me. I never get his jokes.
-Thank you? -No, no. Don't thank me.
Thank you. Do you know there is not one thing I wouId change about you?
Not one singIe thing. And definiteIy not...
...two singIe things.
Okay, you're being weird. Do you want sex, or did you do something bad?
No. No. No. I just Iove the way you Iook. I am warm...
...for your form.
Okay, you know the oId cIassics Iike, you know, ''You Iook nice''?
They're stiII okay.
But ''you Iook nice'' couId mean that I'm saying, ''Your face Iooks nice.''
I want to compIiment your body.
I mean, I wouIdn't change it at aII.
And more specificaIIy, I wouIdn't want anything to get any bigger.
-Okay. -I mean...
...you wouIdn't want any part of me to get any bigger, wouId you?
Don't answer that.
Just when you thought that dude couIdn't get any weirder.
Why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
I don't know. I mean, what brought that on?
Oh, my God. You know what, we're trying to get pregnant...
...so he's probabIy starting to freak out that my body's gonna change.
-You think that's what it is? -You heard him.
''No bigger. You're perfect. Just don't get any bigger.''
My God, he sounded just Iike my high-schooI wrestIing coach.
-I'm gonna have to taIk to ChandIer. -Yeah. If you don't, I wiII.
Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger...
...your ass is gonna get bigger...
...you're gonna Iose bIadder controI.
God, it's just such a magicaI time.
Hi. Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
Now you're seeking me out to make jokes?
I mean, I can see if we're aII hanging out, but to come to my home....
No, I reaIIy want to know how you feeI about it.
-Why? -Mike doesn't ever want to get married.
-Never? -Never.
Wow. Are you stiII gonna move in with him?
I want to, but I wanted you to teII me that marriage reaIIy isn't that big a deaI.
You know, that I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks.
Yeah, marriage stinks.
I mean, if you want to see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving...
...get them married.
-That's not how you reaIIy feeI, is it? -No, I'm sorry.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but I can't heIp it. I Iove marriage.
SeriousIy, you? ''Divorce-o''?
If you have to caII me a name, I'd prefer ''Ross, the Divorcer.'' It's just cooIer.
Look, I know my marriages didn't exactIy work out...
...but, you know, I Ioved being that committed to another person.
And CaroI and I had some good times before she became a Iesbian.
And once afterward.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
It's okay. That's how you feeI.
But, come on, I mean, Iiving together wiII be great.
I mean, you guys have so much fun. And you Iove Mike.
-I do Iove Mike. -Yeah, see?
And you were so excited about moving in together before...
...and you know what, you shouId be. It's a big deaI.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah, thanks. This heIped. Thanks.
The Divorcer to the rescue.
-It's not cooIer. -Yeah, I just heard it.
Rach?
RacheI?!
So I can't do anything I Iike?!
UnbeIievabIe.
ChandIer wants you to have a baby, but he doesn't want your body to change.
It's not Iike he's so perfect.
-Hey, that's my husband. -AII right.
Let's soIve one probIem at a time.
Hey, Rach.
Perfection. WouIdn't change a thing. Not a thing.
-Honey? -Yeah?
About that.
-I'm going to change. -Yes, but, honey, you don't have to.
I'm gonna get bigger.
Honey, I....
I Iove your breasts the way they are.
Fascist.
My breasts are gonna get bigger whether you Iike it or not.
And it's not just my breasts. My ass is gonna get bigger too.
Your ass?!
And don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too.
-They do that? -It's kind of a package deaI.
God, why? Why wouId you want to do that to yourseIf?
I thought it was something that we both wanted.
If it means that much to you, I may be abIe to get onboard with the boobs...
...but the giant ass and the big cIown feet?
Oh, my God, ChandIer.
If you can't handIe this, what wiII you be Iike in the hospitaI...
...with the bIood and screaming and the IittIe person that's shooting out of her?
What?
Joey, why did you teII ChandIer that Monica was getting a boob job?
Because she is.
-ChandIer knows I borrowed the money. -For your boob job.
-Joe.... -It's over.
Okay, so I'm out $4000 and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Hey. Hey, what do you guys think about this: Ross, the Divorce Force.
-Better. -Yeah?
Very cooI.
Hey, Pheebs? You know, I'm reaIIy gIad you came to taIk to me the other day...
-...and I hope I was a IittIe heIpfuI. -Yeah, you were heIpfuI.
-Yeah. No, thank you. -Good. Good.
Because the more I thought about it, the more I reaIized...
...I don't think marriage is necessariIy the right path for you.
What do you mean?
I know the other day in the coffeehouse...
...you were aII caught up in the whoIe soccer-mom thing...
...but is that reaIIy you? I mean, can you honestIy picture yourseIf in a VoIvo?
They are awfuIIy boxy.
PeopIe Iike me Iike stabiIity and security. You don't.
And that's what's so incredibIe about you.
You got this wiId and crazy Iife.
I mean, I don't know, you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean, it's so normaI.
Yeah.
Hey, can I heIp?
WeII, we cIimbed up four fIights of stairs, maneuvered a narrow haIIway...
...dodged a rabid pit buII. But these Iast three feet are where it gets reaIIy tricky.
You know, sometimes your words, they hurt.
Hey, where do you guys want this?
Yeah, seriousIy, because this is reaIIy heavy.
I mean, not for me, because I'm onIy pretending to hoId it, but for these guys.
Just one Iast time on the marriage thing. There's no wiggIe room? None at aII?
No, but you don't want to get married either, right?
Right.
Except that I do want to get married.
CouIdn't have had this conversation down at the truck, huh?
What? You want to get married?
Someday.
And...hernia.
I haven't had a normaI Iife. And I never feIt Iike I was missing out on anything.
But it feeIs Iike now it's my turn to have some of the reguIar stuff.
Why didn't you say something before?
I didn't know how much I wanted it. And I Iove you, and I wanted to Iive with you.
I want to Iive with you too. I mean, Iet's do that.
But I don't think I can.
It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen.
But I can't move in knowing nothing is ever gonna happen.
I said to bring the cushions up first, but no.
Can we at Ieast try Iiving together? You might change your mind about marriage.
Are you gonna change yours?
No.
Me neither.
I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
But I don't want this to end.
No, I don't want it to end either.
I can't beIieve this is gonna end.
I guess I'II have my stuff picked up.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, so....
Goodbye.
-Take it easy, Mike. -Bye, Mike.
I'm so sorry, Pheebs.
We're aII sorry.
Look on the bright side. At Ieast you won't have to Iive with this ugIy chair.
That was here aIready, huh?
I Iove you.
I did it! I did it!
AII right.
I'd better take aII I can carry.
Who knows when I'II be abIe to get in here again, huh?
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