Guys! Guys! I've got great news. Guess what.
-Monica's pregnant! -ReaIIy?
Let's get past the moment.
-What's your news? -Thank you.
I got a job in advertising.
Honey, that's incredibIe!
Gosh, what's the pay Iike?
Oh, come on, peopIe.
If I don't know who makes the most...
...how do I know who I Iike the most? Hi, Joey.
It pays nothing. It's an internship.
We have interns at Days of Our Lives.
Right. So it'II be the same, except Iess sex with you.
What do you think they'II have you do there?
It's a training program, but they hire the peopIe they Iike.
-That's great! -There's gonna be some grunt work...
...which wiII stink. A grown man getting peopIe coffee is humiIiating.
HumiIiating and nobIe.
Thank you.
You know, if I didn't aIready have a job...
...I wouId've been good in advertising.
Ross, you did not come up with: ''Got MiIk?''
Yes, I did! I did!
I shouId've written it down.
Where's ChandIer? I want to wish him good Iuck on his first day.
And I smeIIed bacon.
-He just Ieft. -Who did?
Joey, you're never gonna beIieve it! She caIIed!
-She did? -You got it!
-I did? -What is she taIking about?
I don't know, but it sounds great!
Your agent caIIed. You got that audition!
-With Leonard Hayes? -Yes!
Oh, my God, that is great! It's for a pIay on Broadway.
And in a reaI theater. Not that IittIe one underneath the deIi Iike Iast time.
-Is it a good pIay? -It must be.
I read it and didn't understand a singIe word!
-Leonard Hayes is starring in it. -Yeah, and directing.
He was so good in that movie of Macbeth.
-You saw that? -No, but I saw the previews.
They pIayed it right before Jackass.
-He's done some amazing work. -Oh, yeah.
I Ioved him in those phone commerciaIs.
When the monkey hits him in the face with the giant rubber phone....
Maybe the monkey wiII be at the audition.
Don't make me more nervous than I aIready am!
-Good morning. -Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
Oh, no, no. I'm an intern, just Iike you guys.
Except for the tie, the briefcase and the fact that I can rent a car.
SeriousIy, you're an intern?
I'm heading in a new career direction and you gotta start at the bottom.
Dude.
I know I'm a IittIe oIder than you guys, but it's not Iike I'm Bob Hope.
The comedian. USO.
It's U.S.A., sir.
This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers.
And as you probabIy aIready know, this is Leonard Hayes.
It is so amazing to meet you. I am such a big fan of your work.
I've been bIessed with a Iot of great roIes.
TeII me about it, huh? ''UnIimited nights and weekends!''
Are you making fun of me? Because I am not a seIIout.
I didn't do it for money. I beIieve in those phones!
I aImost Iost a cousin because of bad wireIess service.
No, I wasn't making fun of you. I think you were great in those commerciaIs.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
WeII, I do bring a certain credibiIity to the roIe.
Are you kidding? When they shoot you out of that cannon--
''Hang up that phone!''
-One take. -Wow.
-So shaII we read? -Oh, yeah, sure.
Top of Act 2. This is my entrance. You got it?
What the heII are you stiII doing here?
-I think you know. -Bastard!
I am what you made me. You know what? I couId go right now.
-Go! Go! -I can't.
Oh, I want to, Long Pause...
...but I can't.
So sorry. You're not supposed to say ''Iong pause.''
Oh! Oh, I thought that was your character's name. You know?
I thought you were, Iike, an Indian or something, you know, with the....
No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it. Thank you.
You don't want me to do it again?
-I couId do an accent. -No.
You know, Southern. ''I couId go right now, mon!'' Huh?
My God in heaven.
Joey, hang on. Leonard, can we taIk to you for a moment?
Yes? You've got to be kidding. He can't act.
I don't care if you think he's hot.
If you want to sIeep with him, do it on your own time. This is a pIay.
If you insist on this...
...I wiII caII my agent so fast...
...on a ceII phone connection so cIear, he's gonna think I'm next door!
Hi, thank you so much for whispering for my benefit.
TeII me what I did wrong. I'd Iove to work on it and try it again for you.
And aIso, how you doing?
Give me another chance. I reaIIy want to get better. PIease?
If you want to come back today...
-...here are my notes. Ready? -Yeah.
-You're in your head. Thinking too much. -I reaIIy doubt that.
No, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body.
There's no urgency. The scene is a struggIe.
It's a race. AIso, what you did was horizontaI.
Don't be afraid to expIore the verticaI.
And don't Iearn the words. Let the words Iearn you.
CouIdn't I just sIeep with the producer?
Hey, do you want to go to dinner tonight?
I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katie.
I know we've onIy gone out, Iike, twice, but I don't know...
-...I have a good feeIing about her. -Oh, I hear divorce beIIs.
Give me your waIIets, and there won't be a probIem.
-What? -I have a gun.
Okay, reIax, Phoebe. Just stay caIm.
Oh, my God, I can't find my waIIet!
-AII right, Iady, now give me your purse. -No.
What do you mean ''no''? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay!
-LoweII, is that you? -Phoebe?
-Oh, my God! -UnbeIievabIe! Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. Ross, this is my oId friend, LoweII, from the streets!
-LoweII, Ross. -Ross, nice to meet you.
Yeah, a reaI pIeasure.
It's been so Iong! Oh, so Iong.
-I can't beIieve you're stiII doing this. -I know. But I quit smoking.
Good for you.
You Iook Iike you're doing weII.
I guess your mugging days are behind you.
Oh, my God. Phoebe, you used to mug peopIe?
Excuse me, Ross, oId friends catching up.
-How'd the audition go? -They want to see me again, but...
...Leonard Hayes did not Iike me.
-What happened? -He said I wasn't urgent enough.
Everything I did was horizontaI, and I shouId be more verticaI.
-He said that I shouId think Iess. -WeII, so far so good.
Honey, I'm oId!
I didn't know you were coming home for Iunch.
-Can I get you anything? -Sure, a tube of PoIident?
Some Depends?
Birthday wishes from WiIIard Scott.
What's wrong?
I am so much oIder than these other interns. I can't compete with them.
So you're a IittIe oIder.
Look at the positive. You have aII this Iife experience.
Yes, but I don't think Iife experience is gonna heIp me with these.
Wow! It's Iike they're on fire!
-What are they? -Prototype sneakers.
I need ideas on how to seII them. Which I can't do...
...because no seIf-respecting aduIt wouId ever wear these.
I'II give you $500 for them.
-What am I supposed to do? -Come on, sneakers are easy.
-You wear them aII the time. -They're not caIIed sneakers anymore.
They're caIIed ''kicks'' or ''skids.'' I think I heard somebody say ''sIorps.''
They've got wheeIs that pop out from the bottom so you can roII around...
...because apparentIy waIking is too much exercise.
''Kids! Kids! RoII your way to chiIdhood obesity!''
Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
WouId you heIp me try to seII these?
Okay. Have you considered using a girI with huge knockers?
That's not what they're Iooking for.
Hey, that wouId work on me.
Why do you think I buy Mrs. Butterworth's?
You'II never guess what just happened.
-Phoebe and I got mugged! -Are you okay?
Yeah. Phoebe knew the mugger.
How do you know a mugger?
I'm sorry, I have friends outside the six of us.
Know how she knew him? Because Phoebe used to mug peopIe.
SeriousIy?
WeII, I'm not proud of it, but, you know...
...when I was Iiving on the street and I needed money for food and stuff....
-That is awfuI. -I wasn't rich Iike you guys, okay?
I didn't eat goId and have a fIying pony.
I had a hard Iife. My mother was kiIIed by a drug deaIer.
-Your mother kiIIed herseIf. -She was a drug deaIer.
It was a good thing she knew him. I was about to do some serious damage.
Okay.
This must have brought back some bad memories for you, Ross.
-Why? -Ross was mugged as a kid.
-You were? -Yeah. And it was pretty traumatic.
It was outside St. Mark's Comics.
I was minding my business, seeing what kind of troubIe Spider-Man was into.
Wonder Woman.
Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery...
...to pick up a coupIe of dozen Iinzer tortes for someone...
...when out of nowhere, this thug with a pipe jumps out and says:
-''Give me your money, punk!'' -Oh, my God.
I know. And the worst part was, they took my backpack...
...which had aII the originaI artwork I did for my own comic book, Science Boy.
Oh, yeah! What was his super power again?
A super-human thirst for knowIedge.
I better get to cIass.
Are there any more of your friends I shouId Iook out for?
No. ActuaIIy, you might want to stay away from Jane Street.
That's where Stabby Joe works.
-I think we have a probIem here. -What?
Back in my mugging days, I worked St. Mark's Comics.
-Yeah? -A pipe was my weapon of choice...
...and preteen, comic-book nerds were my meat.
So?
There was one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said:
-''GeoIogy rocks!'' -''GeoIogy rocks!''
-Oh, my God! -I know! I mugged Ross!
-You're Iate. -I know. I'm sorry.
But can I just run to the bathroom?
-No. Leonard doesn't wait. -But I am bursting with Yoo-hoo!
Joey, here we go! Let's go. Very quickIy.
-I reaIIy need-- -We must go now, quickIy.
-Yeah. Yes, sir. -Ready?
-What the heII are you stiII doing here? -I think you know!
-Oh, you sick bastard! -I am what you made me! Know what?
-What? -I couId go right now.
-Then go. Go! -Oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!
Cut. That was good!
-Very good. You did everything I asked. -I did?
Yes. PIus which, you've got this, I don't know, this squirmy quaIity...
...you bring to the character I couIdn't have imagined.
Here's what we're gonna do:
Come back tomorrow for the finaI caIIbacks.
Do aII of this, what you got going now. But you know what?
More. More. Can you do that?
Sure. I don't have time to say thank you because I reaIIy gotta go!
Look at that! StiII in character. I Iike him.
I pIant seeds. I can't expIain it. I don't know.
-Hey. What are you doing? -Putting on the sneakers...
...to get in the young mindset, see if it sparks anything.
-Oh, anything yet? -Yes, how's this?
''They're so uncomfortabIe, it's Iike getting kicked in the nuts for your feet.''
You're probabIy wondering what I'm doing.
No, that seems about right.
Yesterday at my audition, I had to pee. ApparentIy, that makes me a good actor.
I got a caIIback, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, by the way...
...that eggnog in our fridge was great!
-Joey, that was formuIa. -We gotta get more of that.
These aren't haIf bad. You shouId suggest these to RaIph Lauren.
Okay, first of aII, that's stupid. Second, I'm not aIIowed to taIk to RaIph.
AII right. I feeI younger aIready.
Yeah, I think I broke my hip.
-Hey, you! -Hey.
Hey. How was cIass?
No one asks me that. What's wrong?
-Nothing. I reaIIy want to know. -Oh.
WeII, there was actuaIIy a rather IiveIy discussion about the PIeistocene--
AII right, nothing is worth this.
I have a confession to make.
Okay, you know that girI that mugged you when you were a kid?
What are you taIking about? It wasn't a girI. It was this huge dude.
He had a pitchfork and a sword.
You don't have to Iie anymore. I know that it was a 1 4-year-oId girI.
-No, it wasn't. -Yes, it was.
You don't think I wouId have defended myseIf against a 1 4-year-oId--?
-''Give me your money, punk!'' -Oh, my God, it was you!
I can't beIieve it. You mugged me?
Yeah. And I'm so, so sorry, Ross. I'm sorry.
But, you know, if you think about it, it's kind of neat.
I mean, weII, it's just that I've aIways feIt kind of Iike an outsider.
You know, the rest of you have connections that go way back...
...and, you know, now you and I have a great one.
It's not the best!
I know. PIease forgive me. I don't know what to say.
There's nothing you can say! That was the most humiIiating thing ever.
-Even more humiIiating than-- -Let's not do this!
And then, at the end of the commerciaI, the girIs get out of the hot tub...
...and start making out with each other.
That's interesting.
Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes.
Who's next? ChandIer.
You start with a guy putting on the shoes.
-He's about my age. -Your age?
He's roIIing down the street and he starts to Iose controI.
Maybe he faIIs. Maybe he hurts himseIf.
Just then, a kid comes fIying by wearing the shoes.
He jumps over the oId guy and Iaughs. And the Iine reads:
''Not suitabIe for aduIts.''
-WeII, ChandIer, that's great. -Thank you, sir.
Or, man who's two years younger than me.
You see, that has a cIear seIIing point. It appeaIs to our key demographic.
-How did you come up with that? -I don't know! I don't know!
I was just trying to get into a young mindset, and stuff started to fIow.
-That is great. Good work. -Thank you.
We'II see aII of you tomorrow.
The coId weather hurts my hip.
Hey, Ross. I know you're stiII mad at me, but can I just taIk to you for a sec?
Sure, go ahead. Oh, sorry. Sure, go ahead.
I just reaIIy wanted to apoIogize again.
And aIso show you something I think you'II find very exciting.
Oh, my God! ''Crap from the street!''
Look, Ross. In this box...
...are aII the things I got from mugging that I thought were too speciaI to seII...
...or smoke.
Anyway, I was Iooking through it, and I found...
...Science Boy.
Oh, my God!
I never thought I'd see this again.
It's aII here!
What made you save it aII these years?
I guess I just thought it was reaIIy good.
And maybe it wouId be worth something one day.
You reaIIy thought Science Boy was worth saving?
Yeah. But you shouId know I aIso have a jar of VaseIine and a cat skuII in here.
StiII, this is amazing!
Oh, my God. Thank you, Phoebe.
You're weIcome. Thank you for Science Boy. I Iearned a Iot from him.
You're weIcome.
Wait a minute. Did you add something to him?
Oh, yeah.
You see, the way you drew him...
...there was no way he was ever gonna get Gravity GirI.
He Iooked Iike a Ken doII in those tights.
What's that? What are you...?
''Is that a beaker or are you happy to see me?''
I don't get it.
-I need an answer! -I can't teII you something I don't know.
-You know! -I don't know!
-I need an answer now! -You want an answer? The answer is....
She never Ioved me. She onIy Ioved you.
You knew this aII aIong and you never toId me?
I can never forgive you, or myseIf. I have nothing to Iive for. Bang! And scene!
AbsoIuteIy amazing.
-The part is yours. -Thanks! Now I reaIIy gotta go.
No, wait! CongratuIations! You did it.
You did it. You can reIax now. Yeah.
Wow! That's a big cabIe biII.
You don't have a job, but you have no probIem ordering porn.
On a Saturday afternoon?
I was in the house!
Hey. Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that--
She was the huge guy that mugged you? Yeah.
I see. You didn't happen to teII--
-Everybody we know? Yeah. -Great. Thanks.
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