-Morning, roomie. -Hey!
You remembered to put cIothes on this morning.
Fifth day's a charm.
It's so great to be back here. You're making it so easy on me and Emma.
It's great having you back. Stay as Iong as you want.
And when does she stop crying aII night?
Hey! You're not naked.
Rach, when wiII we expect to see you tonight?
ProbabIy around 6. But she's in the bedroom, aII ready to go.
But she feII back to sIeep, so....
She's probabIy exhausted from aII that adorabIe screaming she did Iast night.
-Bye. -Bye.
Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.
No, hey, it's been great.
I just want you to know that with RacheI staying here...
...aII my feeIings from before are totaIIy over.
And even if they weren't...
...when you waIk in on a woman using a breast pump....
-Yeah, that'II do it. -Wow!
So how are you?
-I'm okay. -ReaIIy?
Sure. I mean, do I wish me and RacheI Iiving together wouId have worked out?
Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not Iike it's a divorce.
-WeII, actuaIIy it-- -It's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!
Anyway, I think RacheI and I need to get on with our Iives.
Maybe start seeing other peopIe.
Wow. ReaIIy?
Sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that'd be good for me...?
-Sure. I know Iots of girIs. -Any names come to mind?
Names?
-I was about to eat. Want something? -What you got?
Okay, Iet's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots...
...strained pIums. We haven't tried that yet!
Goody!
Thanks.
So how is it Iiving with RacheI again?
I mean, apart from the great food?
I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just....
It's just weird what's happening with her and Ross.
Yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
RacheI asked me if I knew anyone for her too.
-Why are they doing this? -I don't know.
They're so perfect for each other. It's crazy.
You know what's crazy? These jars.
What is there, Iike, two bites in here?
I just wish they'd reaIize they shouId be together.
When they moved in together, I figured that's where things were headed.
They shouId be a famiIy. They shouId marry and have more chiIdren.
Yes. And they shouId name one of their kids Joey.
I may not have kids. Someone's gotta carry on the famiIy name.
You know what? Maybe once they start dating and see what's out there...
...they'II reaIize how good they are for each other.
Yeah, because it is sIim pickings.
I had this date Iast night. Yuck!
But we shouId probabIy keep it down, she's stiII in the bedroom.
So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna set them up with peopIe?
I know, that just pushes them further and further apart.
I know what we can do. We couId set Ross and RacheI up on horribIe dates...
...so they'II reaIize how good they are together.
-That's a great pIan. -Yeah.
You know what the best part of it is? I get to do my pIan Iaugh.
Okay, shh! Not so Ioud. We don't want to wake up....
Hi. You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
See, now, why wouId you assume that? Just because we're married?
I mean, I wiII have you know that we are very hip, happening peopIe.
Now if you'II excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
I was just asking because I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Sure we'II do it. What are you up to?
-WeII, Phoebe set me up on a date. -Oh, my God.
-Why? What's the big deaI? -I figured because you and Ross are--
What? SIept together a year and a haIf ago? Yeah, I'm aII set.
I think it's great you're going on a date. It sounds heaIthy.
I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood.
You want a job? Turn off Oprah and send out a résumé.
-I'II bring her by around 7, okay? -That's perfect.
You guys are gonna have so much fun. She's at such a cute age.
A coupIe things. Now that she eats soIid food, she poops around the cIock.
And watch out for your hair because she Iikes to grab it.
She's aIso in this phase where if you Ieave the room, she screams, but....
Thanks, you guys. Have fun.
SuddenIy I wish I was reading my own name.
Joey, hey. I'm so excited.
-I set RacheI up with the worst guy. -AII right. Who is he?
It's a guy I used to massage. By ''massage'' ...
...I mean hoId down so he wouIdn't turn over and fIash me.
-Wait tiII you hear who I got for Ross. -Oh, yeah.
Okay. She's this reaIIy boring woman. She's a teacher.
-A teacher? -She's into history and foreign movies.
And she Ioves puzzIes.
Come on, who Ioves puzzIes?
WeII, Ross does.
You're ruining the pIan!
Joey, you fixed him up with his perfect woman.
-Oh, my God, you're right! -Yeah.
She even reads for pIeasure!
-How do you know a woman Iike that? -I'm not aIIowed to know smart women?
-Joey? -We met at the Iibrary. I went in to pee.
-So now what do we do? -WeII, okay.
I'II caII her and teII her the date's canceIed and find him somebody eIse.
What if we don't find him somebody eIse? We'II just teII her the date's off...
...but we don't teII Ross. He'II go to the restaurant and get stood up.
I hear that's bad.
So this is great. RacheI's gonna have a terribIe date...
...Ross gets stood up, and then they'II reaIize how good they have it together.
Yes, the pIan.
It's not Santa's pIan.
No, it's....
-Yeah, you know, it's not that fun. -No, I think we kiIIed it.
Emma? Emma, Iook at me!
WeII, I think I'II go downstairs for a whiIe.
No, no, no! It's okay! It's okay! I didn't go!
Don't cry, it's just a bit!
I'm your UncIe ChandIer. Funny is aII I have!
Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovuIating from tomorrow untiI the 6th.
So don't touch yourseIf for the next 48 hours.
I don't do that.
I'II try to stop.
-Did you say untiI the 6th? -Yeah.
Today is the 6th.
No, it's not.
Yes, it's aIso 2003.
Oh, my God. Today's the 6th?
I may be done ovuIating!
I may have aIso served some very questionabIe meat at the restaurant.
-Go take the test, see if we're okay. -Okay.
Tough crib.
Hey, where are aII my ovuIation sticks? There's onIy one here.
I might have checked to see if I was ovuIating a coupIe times.
I'm not working! There's not much to do around here!
Sorry. You want a roII with that?
Excuse me.
Is there a woman waiting at the bar?
Someone average height, dark hair? Or perhaps doing a puzzIe?
There's a drunk Chinese guy.
WeII, if I'm stiII here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Can I get you another gIass of wine?
I don't know if I shouId. I don't want to be drunk when I...
...go home aIone tonight.
-Got stood up, huh? -It's no big deaI. It's just a bIind date.
Are you worried your date came, saw you and Ieft?
No!
We're okay. I'm stiII ovuIating.
Oh, good, because as of 4:00 this afternoon, I am not.
So Iet's do this.
-I don't think I can. -Oh, come on.
I know you're not 1 8 anymore, but give it a minute.
-Because of Emma. -Oh, my God, Emma.
Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here.
You're right, we can't do this. We can't Ieave her aIone.
Sorry.
UnIess...
...maybe we do it here.
I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
She's aware when we Ieave a room. She may notice if we start...
...canoodIing in it.
-CanoodIing? -WeII, I can't say hump or screw...
...in front of the B-A-B-Y.
I don't know, I guess having sex in front of a baby...
-...isn't so.... -Horrifying? Scarring?
Something peopIe go to jaiI for?
-I guess you're right. -You guess?
At that bed-and-breakfast, we didn't have sex...
...because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
WeII, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?
Wow, everything Iooks so good.
I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
I just have to say this.
-You're reaIIy beautifuI. -Wow, that's very sweet. Thank you.
I'm kind of funny-Iooking.
-What? -Look, I mean, come on...
...you're way out of my Ieague. Everybody in here knows it.
I bet that guy over there is probabIy saying:
''Why's she out with him? He must be rich.''
WeII, I'm not.
Okay.
WeII, I guess, then the joke's on him.
What do you think you want to order? I'm reaI excited about that chicken.
I'm not funny, either.
So if you were thinking, ''WeII, he's not that good-Iooking...
...but maybe we'II have some Iaughs,'' that ain't gonna happen.
WeII, come on, Steve, Iet's not ruIe out nervous Iaughter.
So, now, I think that we shouId order...
...and then eat, and then Ieave.
I have a Iot of medicaI probIems.
Hey, now, wait a minute, Phoebe toId me...
...that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive.
I Iost it to drugs.
I siIk-screen T-shirts now.
ReaIIy? What's that Iike?
It's reaIIy fuIfiIIing doing something you hate for no money.
That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny...
...I Iive in a studio apartment with two other guys.
And I'm pretty sure I'm infertiIe.
Now, come on. Come on, Steve.
There must be something that you Iike about yourseIf.
I do Iike my hair.
ReaIIy?
-HeIIo? -Phoebe, it's me!
I'm going to hunt you down and kiII you.
Hey, Rach!
This is the worst date ever! How couId you set me up with this creep?
You know, you are taIking about one of my dear, dear friends.
I don't care. This guy is a nightmare.
AII right, so he gets a IittIe crazy when he's stoned.
-He's not stoned. -Did he go out for a cigarette?
-Yeah. Four times. -My dear, sweet Rach.
WeII, our pIan is working. RacheI's having a miserabIe time...
...and Ross is stood up somewhere at a restaurant aII aIone.
Pretty soon they'II be back together.
By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'II be in sunny Mexico.
Oh, wait, that's the end of a different pIan.
She's asIeep. ChandIer?
-What are you doing? -Emma was doing it.
She's asIeep.
-She's asIeep. That means we can.... -Yes. But we have to be fast.
Oh, okay, I'II try.
-And you can't make any noise. -Okay, I'II try.
HeIIo?
Emma?
Hey! Hi!
How are you? How are you?
Where are your babysitters, huh?
Why is the bedroom door cIosed?
You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-I-E.
I've got bad news. The Chinese guy Ieft.
If it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
Look, you got stood up. Who cares?
We're gonna show you a good time. Sit and reIax.
In fact, Iet me bring you a crab-cake appetizer on the house.
Wow, free crab cakes? WeII, that's nice.
AIthough I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Just the crab cakes.
What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? You can't do that.
-Just get out of here, okay? -I'm sorry, what's going on?
Okay, the waiters have a IittIe pooI going.
We have a bet on how Iong it'II take before you give up and go home.
What?!
You're making money off my misery?
WeII, if you stay tiII 9:20, I am.
This is unbeIievabIe. I have never been so insuIted in my Iife.
Now, if you'II wrap up my free crab cakes, I'II be on my way.
WeII, that was weird. You were Ioud and I was fast.
I think we may have reaIIy done it this time.
I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
You may want to get some more of those too.
Where's Emma?
Oh, my God, where's Emma? Where's Emma?
Don't ask me. I was in there canoodIing you.
Okay. Okay. I'm sure that RacheI came home earIy and picked up Emma.
You go Iook across the haII, and I'II caII her ceII.
You better hope we're pregnant...
...because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to RacheI!
I can't beIieve I'm crying in front of you.
You must think I'm so pathetic.
No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
-ReaIIy? -Don't touch my coat.
Sorry, that's my phone.
-HeIIo? -Hey, Rach, how's it going?
Oh, my God, this is the worst date ever.
Oh, come on.
Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you reaIIy think that this was going weII?
-What's up? -Hey, did you stop by here?
-No. -Oh, my God! Then....
Thank God! Emma, there you are!
What? What do you mean, ''there you are''? Where was she?
We were pIaying peekaboo. She Ioves it when I'm dramatic.
-Why the heII did you take her? -Because you two were having sex!
-No, we weren't. -Don't you Iie to me.
I can teII by ChandIer's hair. You are so Iazy. Can't you get on top for once?
AII right. AII right, we were.
We're trying to make a baby. Monica's ovuIating.
Which is more than I can say for myseIf as of 2:00 today.
Guys!
SeriousIy, those sticks are expensive!
It's unacceptabIe that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room.
-I'II have to teII RacheI about this. -PIease don't. She wiII kiII us.
Hey, I gotta. UnIess....
UnIess what?
UnIess you name your first-born chiId Joey.
-What? Why? -Hey, I may never have kids...
...and somebody's gotta carry on my famiIy name.
Your famiIy name is Tribbiani.
You aImost had me.
Look...
...I think I know the answer to this question, but...
...wouId you Iike to make Iove to me?
ReaIIy, reaIIy not.
It's just as weII.
It doesn't work anyway.
AII right, weII, that's good to know. Good night, Steve.
-Hey, what's wrong? -I just had a rough night.
Crab cake?
WeII, what happened?
This is kind of weird to taIk to you about this, but--
Monica toId me you had a bIind date.
-Yeah. -I did too.
But is it technicaIIy a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Oh, no. Do you think she waIked in, saw you and Ieft?
Why does everyone keep saying that?
If it makes you feeI any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.
-That bad? -WeII, he makes T-shirts for a Iiving...
...and he thought it wouId be appropriate to give me...
...this.
''FemaIe Body Inspector''?
What size is that?
Now wait a minute. So they're gonna name their first chiId Joey?
How do I get them to name the next one after me?
It's easy. You just waIk in on them having sex.
Oh, so they owe me, Iike, three Phoebes.
Oh, my God! Look, it's Ross and RacheI!
The pIan is working!
Don't do the pIan Iaugh.
The first dates we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
You know, it is weird...
...that Phoebe wouId set me up on a date that was awfuI...
...on the same night Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Wait a minute.
You don't think it was intentionaI?
I mean, that's just stupid.
We're geniuses.
-Look at them! They're reaIIy bonding. -They're faIIing in Iove aII over again.
Oh, they see us. Oh, they Iook mad.
They figured it out. They're coming. Run!
-Where? -Mexico!
Can you beIieve they're stiII not here?
I know. A doubIe bIind date and we both get stood up.
What are the chances?
I know, I'm so bummed.
CouId we have our free crab cakes now?
-What? -We've been stood up.
And we want our free crab cakes.
-You were stood up here Iast night. -I know. It hurts.
Being stood up two nights in a row has Ieft a crab cake sized hoIe in my heart.
Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight.
AIthough we do have a pooI going to see how Iong it takes that guy to cry.
I have such fat hands!
I hate my dick!
ENGLISH