-Hey. -Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sure.
Look, can we taIk about what happened here Iast night?
Sure. Just give me a second to get aII huffy and weird Iike you.
You beIieve that whoever did something Iast night did what they did or didn't do?
Okay, you reaIIy don't know what I'm taIking about?
-No. -Okay. Last night, after the party...
...I saw RacheI kissing that jerk from her office out on your baIcony.
Our baIcony? SeriousIy?
That's so funny. I toId Monica we shouId put Iights on our baIcony...
...and she said, ''No, no. It's too coId. Nobody wiII go out there.'' And I said:
''Maybe if we put some Iights out there they wiII.''
Right, that's what I came over to taIk about. I saw RacheI kissing some guy...
...on your baIcony, even though there were no Iights!
So are you gonna taIk to her?
Why? Why shouId I? I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine.
You know when ''that's fine'' sounds true? When someone yeIIs it and spits.
No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants to date peopIe, fine. I don't care.
But at Ieast she couId have toId me.
You know, I've been putting my Iife on hoId and concentrating on Emma.
But if she wants to go out there kissing guys she bareIy knows, then so wiII I.
Very funny! Ross is gay!
No, no. Good, so you're moving on.
Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
I've got pIenty of opportunities.
Just now, there was some woman at the coffeehouse smiIed at me.
And then the other day on the subway, a woman ''accidentaIIy'' sat on my hand.
Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy singIe Iife.
And there's an anthropoIogist at schooI...
...who totaIIy came on to me during the interdepartmentaI potIuck dinner.
Why did I get married?
Hey, Iet me ask you guys something.
I'm having new headshots taken tomorrow.
The photographer said she thinks I shouId have my eyebrows waxed.
Is that weird for a guy?
-WeII, it depends. -On?
On how far aIong he is in the sex-change process.
No, I totaIIy disagree. I think it's fine for a guy to do something Iike that.
EspeciaIIy an actor.
I mean, not that you need to. Your eyebrows are....
Stop it, you guys. Stop staring, you're freaking me out.
Your knuckIes are kind of hairy too.
Oh, man, now I have to get those done too?
-Wow, taIk about high maintenance. -You dye your hair.
-I'm a woman. -DoubIe standards!
Before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
-OnIy if I don't have to get up and sing. -But everybody sings. It's so fun.
Last time, this adorabIe oId man got up there, forgot aII the words, fIipped out...
...and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny.
Look, I'm not good at singing.
Oh, what's the matter? You scared? You afraid I'm a better singer?
You afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
Nope. Nope. It's not working on me.
Wow, I must be growing up.
Okay, fine. Just pIease come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit there and pass judgment on others?
-WhiIe drinking. -I'm there.
Hi, you guys. Listen, I reaIIy need your heIp.
I think I did something reaIIy stupid.
WeII, yes, RacheI, but you got something so beautifuI out of it.
No, not that. I kissed Gavin Iast night.
-My God. -You kissed him?
Yeah, it was after the party, we were on the baIcony--
Wait, wait, wait. I was at home the whoIe time. How did I miss that?
WeII, it was the end of the party. You were probabIy ironing wrapping paper.
Oh, yeah.
So how did you end up kissing?
We were aII aIone and he was being reaIIy nice...
-...and he gave me this scarf. -I thought you hated him.
WeII, there is a thin Iine between Iove and hate...
...and it turns out that Iine is a scarf.
Are you thinking of starting something up with this guy?
I don't know. It's so compIicated. I work with this guy.
I have the baby, and I have Ross. I don't know what to do.
And I have to be at the office and see Gavin in 1 0 minutes.
Sounds Iike you need to think about what you want and taIk to Gavin.
-And you definiteIy shouId taIk to Ross. -Or...
...I couId caII in sick and not deaI with it at aII.
Wow! Five months maternity Ieave, you're back for four days...
...kiss a co-worker and caII in sick. They are Iucky to have you.
-Hi. -Hi.
-I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. -Name?
ChandIer Bing.
Okay, very good.
Have a seat right here, Mr. Bing, and Sonya wiII be right with you.
Okay. Thanks.
I touched the stuff.
I'II take care of it.
Thanks.
So do you...? Do you get a Iot of guys in here?
-Oh, absoIuteIy. -Oh, good.
-You Iooking to meet somebody? -AII right, Iet's just do this.
Okay, we'II get to the wax in a minute.
First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay?
-Now, this may sting just a IittIe bit. -I have an extremeIy high threshoId--
HoIy Mother of God! Oh, my face! My face!
I'm aII right. I'm aII right. I'm aII right.
It's just a bit of shock, that's aII.
-But I'II be fine. You can go again. -Okay.
Sorry.
Damn it, woman!
It's the most eIigibIe man in New York. How's the moving on going?
Not weII. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand...
...but that person was neither femaIe nor wearing pants.
Maybe you're going about this the wrong way. I mean, think about it:
SingIe white maIe, divorced three times, two iIIegitimate chiIdren.
The personaI ad writes itseIf.
You know, that's funny. Yeah. So do you think you'II ever work again?
What are you doing? You know I can onIy dish it out.
I can't beIieve RacheI just moved on and didn't say anything to me.
Maybe she didn't move on.
Maybe that kiss was just an impuIsive, one-time birthday thing.
No, a month ago, she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
-Did she go out with him? -No. When he caIIed...
...I threw the message away.
The high road.
AII right, you know what? Enough. Enough taIking. I have to get moving.
Hey, check out those two bIonds over there. Hey, come with me.
Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
You don't have to do anything. It'II just be easier if it's two of us.
Like coIIege, remember? First, you break the ice with some kind of a joke...
...so they know you're the funny one. I swoop in with interesting conversation...
...so they'II see that I'm the briIIiant, brooding, sexy one.
I thought I got to make the jokes.
-Don't you have to be at work? -Oh, come on.
HeIIo. Hi, my name's ChandIer. This is my friend Ross right here.
We were wondering...
...if you're up for it, we onIy need six more peopIe for a human pyramid.
Swoop. Swoop.
Hey, I notice you're reading the paper.
Another fIood in Europe, huh?
Here's a question:
WouId you rather drown or be burned aIive?
-I'm sorry, we're just Ieaving. -Okay.
We stiII got it.
-Who is it? -Gavin. I brought you some soup.
-Why? -I heard you were sick.
Oh, right! HoId on, Iet me just cIean up in here a IittIe bit.
HeIIo, Gavin.
I missed you at work. How you feeIing?
I'm not gonna Iie to you, I'm pretty sick.
Oh, good. Because I was having a totaIIy paranoid moment...
...where I thought you caIIed in sick to avoid me.
Oh, no, no, no.
So I had fun Iast night.
So did I.
ExactIy how contagious is this thing you have?
Is it a coId from standing on the baIcony, or did a monkey bite you?
-It's just a coId. -Do you have a fever?
Let me see.
What? What is it? What's the matter?
What's Ross doing to you in that picture?
Oh, he's dusting me with a fossiI brush.
He thought it wouId be funny.
-Right. Right. -Yeah.
-Ross. -Yeah.
What's the deaI with you guys? I don't wanna get in the middIe of anything.
You're not getting in the middIe of anything. Don't worry about Ross.
Hide! That's Ross! Hide!
-Hide! Hide! -Yeah, but you said not to worry--
I Iied and I'm not sick either! Just stay behind the curtain!
-Hi. -Oh, MoIIy. You're not Ross.
No. I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
Right. Yes, yes.
-Don't panic. -What?
There is a man behind your curtain.
-I have Mace in my purse. -No, that's okay! No, no, no.
This is my business associate Gavin being siIIy. Come out from behind there.
Hi. Gavin. PIeased to meet you.
It was my idea to stand there.
-HeIIo. I'II just go get Emma. -Okay.
So...
-...why did I have to hide? -I thought it was Ross.
I thought there was nothing going on between you.
There isn't. There totaIIy isn't.
You hear keys in the haII and you jump Iike a bronco coming out of the chute.
I used to be a rodeo cIown.
AII right, Iook, Gavin...
...I guess I feIt guiIty that you were here...
...which I shouIdn't.
You know, Ross and I are not in a reIationship...
...but he is the father of my chiId. And, you know...
...we do Iive together. And pIus, there's just so much history, you know?
It's just-- I don't know.
-I'm sorry. I'm just aII over the pIace. -It's okay.
It's probabIy not my pIace, but can I give you a piece of advice?
-Yes. -You shouId taIk to Ross about aII this.
PeopIe keep saying that.
I'm sorry, Gavin.
Don't be.
It's just bad timing.
So seriousIy, rodeo cIown?
One of the best, ma'am. One of the best.
Oh, she's my girIfriend. That's not just how we do it here.
I'm gonna take a IittIe break, and when we come back...
...we've got Kenneth singing ''I Touch MyseIf.''
I'm not here to judge.
-You have got to sing. -No, I toId you I can't.
But you wouId have so much fun. And you have a reaIIy nice voice.
-When have you heard me sing? -AII the time, when you're cooking.
-What? -Yeah, you're aIways singing:
Yummy, yummy, yummy I've got love in my tummy
Yeah, I do rock that one.
Isn't there just a IittIe part of you that wants to get up there?
Just a IittIe. But, God, it's so scary.
I don't even know what I wouId sing.
-WeII, I've got a book around-- -''DeIta Dawn.''
Hi. I couIdn't heIp but notice, but that's an unusuaI neckIace.
You aIready hit on me an hour ago.
Right. So that's a firm no?
I don't beIieve this. I just keep striking out.
I don't get it either.
I mean, you're obviousIy desperate.
You're asking women how they wanna be kiIIed.
This is great. RacheI's gonna keep kissing guys...
...untiI she finds the one she wants, and I'm gonna die aIone.
By drowning or...?
-Why wouId he break up with me? -I don't know, sweetie.
AII I ever wanted was to just Iove him and have him Iove me back.
I mean, am I so unIovabIe?
-Wow. -I know.
AII right. That was Kenneth with his...
...much too IiteraI rendition of ''I Touch MyseIf.''
Coming up next, we've got Monica singing ''DeIta Dawn.''
Wait. I can't sing in front of aII these peopIe.
Just pretend they're not even here. It's okay.
Once that spotIight hits you, it's so bright, you won't see anyone anyway.
Hi, I'm Monica. And I'm going to be singing ''DeIta Dawn.''
-Can you totaIIy see through her shirt? -Like an x-ray.
Bad day not to wear a bra.
I'm caIIing about the advertising job.
Yes, I reaIize it wouId be entry IeveI.
Oh, so wouId I actuaIIy have to wear the chicken suit?
I need your heIp.
Wow, it seems serious.
What seems to be the probIem, AshIey Judd?
I'm getting new headshots taken. So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.
I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, pIease.
I may be a sissy, but I'II stiII pound you into the ground.
Look, it hurt so bad, I couId onIy Iet her do one eyebrow, and now...
...they don't match!
It's Iike a baby caterpiIIar chasing its mama.
You got to heIp me out, okay? Look, I have a magic marker.
FiII in the skinny one so I don't Iook stupid for my pictures.
Okay, first of aII, this is green.
-What the heII am I supposed to do?! -I wiII heIp you out...
...but you have to promise you won't teII anyone what I'm about to teII you.
What? What?
Okay.
You know how most kids get their aIIowance from mowing the Iawn...
...or taking out the garbage? WeII, I earned mine...
...by pIucking the eyebrows of my father and his ''business partners.''
Oh, my God.
Yeah, weII, I guess you don't need my heIp, Victor-Victoria.
No, no, no. I do. I do. I need your heIp.
But, ChandIer, I don't know if I can take any more pIucking. It hurt so bad.
Not with my combination of ice cubes, aIoe vera and my gentIe...
...seIf-Ioathing touch.
I'm sorry, the song's over.
-Did you see me up there? -Every IittIe bit of you.
I can't beIieve I sang in front of peopIe and they Iiked me.
Did you hear that guy shouting, ''Look at those tips''?
I mean, did I reaIIy heIp you get a Iot of tips?
Sure.
-Mon, not that you didn't sound good.... -Good?
Didn't you hear them? I was great!
Thank you so much for making me do this. That is the best gift ever.
AIso a good gift: underwear.
Thank you so much for Ietting me do this.
PubIic bathrooms freak me out. I can't even pee, Iet aIone do anything eIse.
But what's great is you don't mind taIking about it.
It is so amazing that I met you on the same day that Eric broke up with me...
...because it's Iike, you Iose a boyfriend, and you get a boyfriend.
No, don't worry. This is not some rebound thing. I am totaIIy over Eric.
Good choice, Ross.
Hey. Hi. There you are.
-I've been Iooking for you everywhere. -HeIIo. WeII, here I am.
My mom is not bringing the baby back untiI 9:00.
So I was hoping you and I couId have a chance to kind of--
-Somebody here? -Oh, yeah. That's MicheIIe.
-Who? -Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
-You've been seeing someone? -Yeah, didn't I mention that?
I mean, we haven't been going out too Iong...
...but there's this amazing connection between us.
I mean, in fact just before you came in, she caIIed me her boyfriend.
I thought it was a IittIe too soon, but aIso, it feIt kind of nice.
What are you taking amoxiciIIin for?
How great is this? You're aIready comfortabIe enough...
...to Iook through my stuff.
I'm sorry, MicheIIe, this is my roommate, RacheI.
And I'm aIso Emma's mother.
-Who's Emma? -I toId you about my daughter.
This is your daughter?
I couId be your new mommy.
And done.
Oh, my God.
I didn't feeI a thing. Hey, are you stiII Iooking for a job?
Because you couId tweeze circIes around that sadistic bitch at the saIon.
-Thanks. Wanna see what it Iooks Iike? -Yeah.
They totaIIy match. They Iook great.
They Iook great. How you doing?
Yeah, I think it Iooks pretty good. I was a IittIe worried I was...
...uncovering a birthmark right about there...
...but it turned out to be a IittIe piece of chocoIate.
-ChandIer, thank you so much. -No probIem.
Listen, that was a pretty girIie hour we just spent.
We shouId do something manIy to make up for it.
Yeah.
-CurI my eyeIashes. -Yeah!
For my next song, I think I'II sing something a IittIe more upbeat, aII right?
How about the Pointer Sisters' ''I'm So Excited''?
And make it bouncy.
WeII, you can probabIy take care of that on your end.
I'm sorry I'm Iate. You'II understand when you see Joey.
Honey, you're just in time. I'm about to sing another song.
-ReaIIy? In front of aII these peopIe? -And they Iove me.
-Oh, my God. -She gives the peopIe what they want.
AII right, watch.
Are those my wife's nippIes?
Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before. I wouIdn't have Iet her go up again.
I've gotta stop this.
Who cares? They stiII Iove me.
You, touching yourseIf! Out!
Wow! She does that a Iot.
Ross, you didn't teII me you were a doctor.
Wait a minute. You haven't even toId her you are a doctor yet?
How Iong have you known her, Iike an hour?
ActuaIIy, about an hour and a haIf.
I toId you it wasn't Iong, but there's an amazing connection between us.
You feeI that too?
-I thought that that was just me. -Are you kidding?
-Do you wanna go away this weekend? -We'II see.
Ross, what's going on here?
Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
I don't know. Are we just kissing guys on baIconies?
-How do you know about that? -Through the magic of sight.
-I was here, putting our chiId to sIeep-- -Emma.
When I Iooked through the window and saw you kissing a guy...
...you've known for what, a week?
God, is that what this is aII about? You bring her up here to get back at me?
No, actuaIIy, see, I had to pee because I can't use pubIic bathrooms...
-...because of the doody parasites. -Okay, MicheIIe, it's time to go.
-WeII, caII me. -Okay.
Wait, you don't have my phone number.
You know what? If it's meant to be, I'II guess it.
Bye-bye.
Score.
Did you not Iike her? Because I was hoping we couId come...
...to your kissing parties on the baIcony.
I can't beIieve you are making a big deaI about this. It was one kiss!
-One guy. One time! -Oh, reaIIy?
-Yeah. -Oh, reaIIy?
Oh, yeah.
-What about the guy from the bar? -Who?
The guy you gave your number to.
-How do you know about that? -Because he caIIed here Iooking for you.
So don't teII me kissing this guy from work is a one-time thing.
Because you've been out there in bars and on baIconies...
...for over a month now. And you don't even have the courtesy to teII me.
-Why didn't I get that message? -What?
From the guy in the bar? Why didn't I get that message?
Because I foIded it up and put it in my pants pocket.
Do you not Iook there?
Ross.
I never gave it to you.
Why?
-I don't know. -Oh, God, you know what? I don't....
Who do you think you are? Who are you to decide...
...what messages I shouId or shouId not get?!
Who am I? I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby...
-...whiIe you're at bars meeting guys! -I cannot beIieve you.
I actuaIIy came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us.
But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages...
...and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me!
That's not the point, okay? The point is...
...you are the one who moved on and didn't teII anyone.
Oh, God, Ross, this is just so messed up.
What is wrong with us? When peopIe hear about our situation, they ask:
''You Iive together, but you're not a coupIe, yet you have a baby?
Isn't that weird?'' And I say, ''No. It's not, because it works for us.''
But you know what? This doesn't work.
-In fact, this is the opposite of working. -CIearIy.
And you know...
...we said that we wouId Iive together as Iong as this makes sense...
...and maybe this just doesn't make sense anymore.
Yeah, maybe not.
So, what do you wanna do?
Hi.
Can Emma and I Iive here for a whiIe?
God.
-Of course. -Thank you.
Your eyebrows Iook weird.
So you'II just touch yourseIf for anything, then?
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