-Where's Mon? -She's at home...
...putting up decorations for RacheI's birthday party tonight.
-You're not heIping? -I tried...
...but apparentIy singing ''I WiII Survive'' in a heIium voice, not heIping.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
Don't say that Ioud. Gunther's gonna want to hug me.
Good news, everyone. We finaIIy found a nanny.
-This is MoIIy. MoIIy, ChandIer, Joey. -Hi.
Somebody's getting a IittIe fussy.
You're damn right I am. I've been waiting for a cookie for seven minutes.
Okay. You know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.
-No, you stay. I'II do it. -Okay. Thank you.
-Nice to meet you guys. -Yeah, you too.
-Wow, MoIIy's just great. -Yeah.
Yes, bravo on the hot nanny.
-What? You reaIIy think she's hot? -Are you kidding?
If I wasn't married, she'd be rejecting me right now.
Joey?
How do you think she's doing?
Am I the onIy one that doesn't think she's hot? Ross?
-I mean, she's not unattractive, but... -Right.
...but hot?
Thank you.
Now that RacheI's gone?
So hot, I cried myseIf to sIeep Iast night.
Hey, Mike, what's the capitaI of Peru?
-Lima. -No.
It starts with a V and ends with an X.
And hopefuIIy with a T-O in the middIe.
You know, come to think of it, the capitaI of Peru is ''Vtox.''
-Oh, God! -What?
Okay. I don't want to freak you out or anything...
...but I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Oh, yeah. No, that's Bob.
WeII, he's your pet rat?
WeII, not so much a pet as, you know, an occasionaI visitor...
...who I put food out for. Kind of Iike Santa.
Except Santa doesn't poop on the pIate of cookies.
You can't keep a rat in your apartment. They're unsanitary.
I mean, they transmit Ieptospirosis and hantavirus.
-What are those? -I don't know...
...but they don't sound Iike spa treatments.
-You have to get rid of it. -Okay, fine.
If it means that much to you, I'II get rid of Bob.
Thank you.
It's so weird you think he's so gross, yet you're wiIIing to eat his crackers.
-HeIIo. -HeIIo.
Gavin, I just want to say thank you again...
...for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation.
I reaIIy owe you an apoIogy.
-For what? -When we first met, you know...
...I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious.
Is this your first apoIogy?
No, I just mean, you know, first impressions don't mean anything.
And I think you're a reaIIy good guy. And I'm sorry that I misjudged you.
-Morning. -HeIIo.
But you know what? Hey, new day, new Ieaf.
I am just reaIIy, reaIIy happy--
I'm sorry. ObviousIy, Heather's ass has something more important to say...
...so I'II just wait tiII it's finished.
-What? -I was giving you an apoIogy...
...and you were totaIIy checking her out.
I wasn't. I'm in fashion. I was Iooking at her skirt.
Or was it pants? I didn't reaIIy see what happened beIow the ass area.
Wow, you are reaIIy.... You're reaIIy a creep.
What do you care if I was Iooking at her?
Are you jeaIous?
Oh, yeah. I'm jeaIous.
''Oh, Gavin. PIease, pIease Iook at my ass.''
Stop Iooking at my ass!
I mean, I just think you are totaIIy inappropriate. Okay?
This is a work environment. She's your subordinate.
But it was okay when you sIept with your oId assistant, Tag?
That is totaIIy different for two reasons.
One: I didn't know that you knew that.
And two: I wasn't some creep staring at his ass.
We had a.... We had a deep, meaningfuI reIationship.
What was Tag's Iast name?
It was....
Oh, my God.
He didn't-- He didn't-- He didn't have a Iast name.
It was just Tag, you know, Iike Cher or...
...you know, Moses.
But it was a deep, meaningfuI reIationship.
You know what? My first impression of you was absoIuteIy right.
You are arrogant. You are pompous. Morgan! Morgan!
-Tag's Iast name was Morgan! -It was Jones.
What are you, his boyfriend?
-Man, I wish I had a nanny Iike you. -You mean when you were a baby?
Sure.
WouId you stop staring at her?
I wasn't staring.
I was Ieering.
What's the big deaI with her?
Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst.
You know, when it's right there in your face.
Me, I Iike to have to work to find someone attractive.
Makes me feeI Iike I earned it.
Looks Iike Joey's doing aII right with her.
Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off...
...and Iet Joey get the girI for once.
-I'm gonna take her to the apartment. -Okay. I'II be home right after work.
-Okay. -Okay, bye, Emma.
I Iove you.
-Bye. -Bye.
They've eIected me to taIk to you about the baby taIk.
It's not so good.
I think it's sweet.
Bye, Emma!
Hey, Iisten, Joey. About MoIIy, I wouId reaIIy prefer if you didn't go after her.
-Why not? -It took months to find a good nanny.
And I wouIdn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
So you think I'm just gonna sIeep with her...
...and never caII her again, and things are gonna get uncomfortabIe?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Come on, there are pIenty of other women out there.
Just forget about her, okay? She's off-Iimits.
Oh, man! What'd you have to go and say that for?
Now that you toId me I can't have her, makes me want her even more!
-What are you, a chiId? -Yes!
It's true. He's Iike a IittIe boy, Iike Ben.
Just think of him as a reaIIy, reaIIy, reaIIy horny Ben.
No!
Look, Joey, come on now. For me, pIease.
Just try to focus your sexuaI energy on someone eIse.
Fine.
Take me home.
Do you want a piece of this?
-Hey, Mikey. -Hey, Pheeb.
-What are you doing? -Setting rattraps.
-To kiII Bob? -No. No, to test his neck strength.
No, I don't want to kiII him. I thought we were gonna capture him...
...and, you know, set him free in the countryside...
...where he couId meet a friendIy possum...
...and a wisecracking owI.
-Okay, okay. I'II throw away the traps. -AII right, I'II find Bob. I'II get him.
Bob? Bob?
Robert?
Wait, I think I hear him.
Oh, my God! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
We'II have to think of a new name.
I don't know, I kind of Iike ''Bob'' for a girI.
No, no. I mean, I'm not sure that we--
Oh, my God. We kiIIed Bob?
WeII, maybe it wasn't Bob. Maybe it was a mouse.
Susie?
That's it?
It's over?
Who shot J.R.?
I have got to get a job.
What's up?
SeriousIy, dude. Three years ago.
Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today.
Can you keep an eye on Joey...
...make sure nothing happens between him and MoIIy?
-You don't trust him? -WeII, no.
Some woman who sounded a Iot Iike Joey caIIed earIier...
...and asked for her daughter, the ''hot nanny.''
Is this your Iong-term pIan, for me to run interference?
Because I couId get a job any day now.
You do appear right on the cusp of something.
Look, come on, man. I'm sure he'II Iose interest in a week or two...
...but for now, couId you pIease just do this for me?
Fine, but don't bIame me if it doesn't work.
Because you know once Joey sets his mind on something...
...more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
WeII, I mean, we've gotta do something. Okay?
Nannies Iike her don't grow on trees.
-Picturing that tree? -I am, yes.
Where you going, Joe?
For a waIk.
You mind if I join you?
ActuaIIy, I'd rather be aIone. You know, I reaIIy need to organize my thoughts.
Your thoughts?
PIuraI?
AII right, fine. I onIy have one thought.
It's about the hot nanny! I gotta see her!
-I'm afraid I can't Iet you do that, Joe. -Now you're saying I can't see her?
You're kiIIing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's Iike, Iike...
...Iike she's the princess and I'm the stabIe boy.
Look, I know. She's the most beautifuI woman in the worId.
I can hear you.
CouId you set my piIIow and bIanket on the couch for me, pIease?
Why are you doing this, huh?
Did Ross teII you not to Iet me go over there?
Yes, as a matter of fact, he did. So I can't Iet you go.
Interesting. Now there are obstacIes.
Hot nanny and me against the worId!
This is the stuff great noveIs are made of.
-Great noveIs? -Fine. Mediocre porn.
-Gavin MitcheII's office. -RacheI Greene's office.
Give me that phone.
HeIIo, this is RacheI Greene. How can I heIp you?
Okay then. I'II pass you back to your son.
Hey, Mom. No, that's just my secretary.
Excuse me, Gavin. I have a question I need to ask you.
Mom, I'II caII you Iater. Yeah.
-Yes? -If you Iike Iooking at butts so much...
...why don't you just go Iook in a mirror?
Thank God you finaIIy said that.
I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago.
-Man, I reaIIy bug you. Don't I? -Oh, no. PIease...
...I don't care about you enough to bug me.
In fact, from now on, I'm going to take the high road...
...and I'm going to be very, very nice to you, you mama's boy...
...starting right now.
-Hey, Rach. -Hi.
-Ready for your birthday Iunch? -I am.
But first, Monica, I wouId Iike to introduce you...
...to my very taIented coIIeague and more importantIy...
...my wonderfuI friend, Gavin MitcheII.
-PIeased to meet you. -PIeased to meet you.
Are you coming to RacheI's party?
Oh, no, no, no, no. Gavin can't. He aIready has pIans...
...most IikeIy with his mother.
I don't mind. I'II canceI them. I wouId never miss my secretary's birthday.
Why did you invite him? I can't stand that guy!
-You were being so nice to him. -I was faking it.
Can't you teII when I'm being fake?
Hey, Mr. PhiIIips. Nice suit.
Right there. That was so fake!
Hey, ChandIer, which do you Iike better...
...the tuna tartare or the mushroom empanadas?
-The piIe of raw fish, or the tacos? -Oh, the tacos. DefiniteIy, the tacos.
I stiII can't beIieve you invited Gavin.
He is just the Iast person I want to see.
You're weIcome for the party. I'm gIad you're having a good time.
I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he won't, the guy hates me.
-Does he? -What?
Maybe he keeps bothering you so much because he Iikes you.
It's Iike in first grade when Skippy Lange wouId push me...
...because he secretIy had a crush on me.
Monica, you think Skippy Iiked you?
Honey, aII those boys had a bet to see if he couId knock you over.
-She's out. I'm gonna take her home. -Okay. Thank you.
Bye, sweetheart.
Do you see what aII the guys see in her?
WouIdn't kick her out of bed.
No more vodka for me.
Hey, Rach. So can I sing ''Happy Birthday'' to you now?
-Yeah, sure. -AII right.
See you Iater.
Hey, Rach. Somebody got you shoes.
Give me!
-Wow. Wow. Oh, my God! -CarefuI! CarefuI!
These are my rat babies!
Yeah. We have rat babies now.
You brought rats to my birthday party?
So this is what a stroke feeIs Iike.
WeII, I had to bring them. We kiIIed their mother.
They're our responsibiIity now.
You know, they require constant care. You shouId know that, you're a mother.
Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?
No. Seven rats.
We shouId take them home. We need to feed them.
You're gonna Ieave my party to take care of a box of rats?
WeII, I'm sorry, RacheI, but I'm not Iike you. Okay?
Not everyone can afford heIp.
Hey, where the heII are Joey and MoIIy?
I asked you to watch them.
I'm sorry. I got a IittIe preoccupied.
Look, we have to stop them before something happens.
Right behind you, big guy.
So you see, MoIIy, what peopIe don't understand...
...is that acting is a discipIine. It takes a Iot of hard work.
-So where'd you study? -I didn't go to coIIege.
-No, where'd you study acting? -MoIIy, peopIe don't study acting.
MoIIy, do you mind giving us just a minute?
-Sure. I'II go check on Emma. -Thanks.
WiII the stabIe boy never get the princess?
What do you think you were gonna do, have sex with her here on my couch?
No. The Ieather sticks to my ass.
This isn't fair. What makes you think I'm gonna sIeep with her...
...and then bIow her off, huh?
Can't you guys open your minds to the possibiIity that I actuaIIy Iike her...
...and might want something reaI?
Look, the truth is, I haven't feIt this way about anyone since RacheI.
Okay? I didn't think I couId ever Iove again.
-Come on! -Joe!
Hi. Is MoIIy here?
Yeah, yeah. Come on in. MoIIy?
-Hey. Guys, this is Tabitha. -Hey.
-I'II see you tomorrow. -Okay.
WeII, Joey, I guess we have no probIem.
It's Iike my favorite fairy taIe come true.
The princess, the stabIe boy and the Iesbian.
Okay. Okay, you start preparing the formuIa...
...and I'II start changing the box.
And then we gotta put them straight to bed.
When did we become one of those coupIes...
...whose Iives revoIve around their rats?
WeII, you know what? They're our responsibiIity now.
Okay, fine. These rats are our responsibiIity.
What happens when they mate and there are hundreds?
Mate? They're aII brothers and sisters.
Yeah, not such a probIem with rats.
No, they're more of a ''Iove the one you're with'' kind of animaI.
No. ReaIIy?
Oh, my-- Get off your sister!
Oh, my God. What are we gonna do?
The-- We have seven rats.
So, what if each of them has seven rats...
...and then each of those has seven rats? That's Iike....
That's math I can't even do!
What are we gonna do?
WeII, I know this is gonna sound crazy...
...but we couId not Iet the box of rats ruin our Iives.
Yeah, okay. I guess you're right.
AII right, so we shouId just give them away.
But to nice famiIies with chiIdren and reduced-fat Wheat Thins.
Those were Bob's favorites.
It's gonna be okay.
-You must think I'm crazy. -No, I think you're sweet.
Good. This is just so hard. It's hard for me to Iet them go.
I guess it just brings back memories, you know...
...from when I gave birth to my brother's tripIets and I had to give them up.
I haven't toId you about that yet, have I?
Thanks for the party, honey. ShouId I heIp you cIean up?
No way. You had your party. Now I have mine.
-Is everything aII right? -I just get bummed...
...when my birthday's over.
WeII, at Ieast you have one thing to be happy about.
That jerk, Gavin, from your office didn't show up.
Yeah, I hate him.
We weren't taIking about you. We were....
No. No way to recover. No. Okay.
-Fun party. -WeII, it was.
And you wouId have seen it if you didn't show up at....
9:30?! God! This party was Iame.
Again, you're weIcome!
-Look, I'II just give you this and go. -You bought me a present. Why?
Let me expIain how birthday parties usuaIIy work. There are presents...
...and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person.
Okay, I....
I got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you.
WeII, okay. WeII, that's very nice. And you wrote a card.
-''From Gavin.'' -I reaIIy mean it.
It's beautifuI.
If you don't mind...? Let me.
WeII, what do you know, it fits.
See, Gavin. You're capabIe of being a nice guy.
Why do you give me such a hard time?
I'm not sure.
WeII, Monica seems to think it's because you have feeIings for me.
I do have feeIings for you.
-You do? -Yes. I feeI that you're a IittIe annoying.
See, why? Gavin, why?
Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you--
And you do that.
Hey. Listen, I think I Ieft something here.
WeII, somebody Ieft this. Is this yours?
No, but I Iike it.
No, I think I Ieft one of my rat babies.
WeII, no. I haven't seen it, but if I do, I'II Iet you know.
Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby!
Maybe that's him.
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