He sprang to his sleigh To his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew Like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim Ere he drove out of sight
''Merry Christmas to all And to all a good night. ''
Wow! That was great! You reaIIy wrote that?
Say goodbye, eIves. I'm off to TuIsa.
I can't beIieve you won't be here for Christmas.
You're reaIIy not coming back?
We have this paperwork that needs to be fiIed by the end of the year.
Why can't those dumb TuIsa peopIe do the work?
Because those dumb peopIe got everything dumped on them...
...by the arrogant jerks in the New York office.
I'm caught between two worIds.
-If I don't get it done, I'II be fired. -It's so unfair.
-You don't even Iike your job. -So. Who does?
-I Iike my job. -I Iove my job.
-I can't wait to go back to work. -I can't get enough dinosaurs.
I'm sorry I won't be here.
It's hard enough not seeing you during the week...
...but for Christmas....
If this is what you have to do, I understand.
Thanks.
I'II see you New Year's Day.
You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?
-Did I not mention that? -No.
And to aII a good night!
AII right, everybody. I know it is Christmas Eve...
...and you'd rather be with famiIy, but there is no caII for writing...
...''Screw you, Mr. Bing'' on the back of my chair.
By the way, you can aII caII me ChandIer.
-Hey. -Hey. Where you been?
I was checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three.
It was reaIIy beautifuI. They have decorations and this huge tree.
And I just thought, to heII with them, we have to work.
So I stoIe their ham.
Hear that? You may not be with your famiIies...
...but at Ieast it's gonna smeII Iike ham in here.
My kid's in a pIay right now.
You know what? I know what wiII cheer you up.
I had a taIk with the boys in New York. I toId them about aII your hard work...
...and that a IittIe Christmas bonus may be in order.
''A donation has been made in your name to the New York City BaIIet.''
WeII, that's Iike money in your pocket.
AII right, you want me to say it? This sucks.
Being here sucks. This work sucks!
Now it feeIs Iike Christmas.
I'm sorry.
At Ieast you get to go home and be with your famiIies tonight.
I have to go to an empty hoteI room and Iay down...
...on a very questionabIe bedspread.
Then tomorrow, you get to have Christmas in your own houses.
Which, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
-You can come to my house. -No, thanks.
-It was a nice pep taIk. -Thanks.
I'm actuaIIy thinking about becoming a motivationaI speaker.
So if you were home right now, what wouId you be doing?
TypicaI Christmassy stuff, you know. Our hoIidays are pretty traditionaI.
So here's a very speciaI hoIiday song...
...that I wrote for some very important peopIe to me.
Happy hoIidays, everybody.
Pheebs, Iook in the kitchen. I'II Iook in the back cIoset.
I can save you time, Iadies. I'm right here.
Yeah. ChandIer, why don't you take a waIk.
This doesn't concern you.
We are Iooking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
-What? That's terribIe. -No, no. We do it every year.
WeII, that makes it not terribIe.
No. Yeah, we never find them. She's aIways bested us, that wiIy...
...minx.
We're gonna search here for an hour...
...and then we'II go to Joey's and search. Okay?
No, not okay. You can't Iook for Monica's presents.
-No, we have to. -No, you don't have to.
And you can't, because I Iive here too.
-WeII, then you shouId Iook with us. -Why?
Aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
That's it? ''A great idea''?
That's not enough. What if she gets you a great present...
...two medium presents and Iots of IittIe presents...
...and you got her one great present? That's gonna make her feeI bad.
Why wouId you do that to her? Why? Why?
-If I heIped, we couId find them faster! -Right.
-We have a Iive one! -It's a Macy's bag!
Who's it for?
''Dear Losers: Do you reaIIy think I'd hide presents under the couch?
P.S. ChandIer, I knew they'd break you.''
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper bIades. I don't even have a car.
No, but with this new-car smeII, you'II think you do.
Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
ToiIet seat covers!
Is that what you were doing whiIe I was getting gas?
You guys.
And for Ross, Mr. Sweet Tooth.
-You got me a coIa drink? -And...a Iemon-Iime!
WeII, this-- This is too much.
I feeI Iike I shouId get you another sweater.
And Iast but not Ieast....
They're ribbed, for your pIeasure.
WeII, hey, Ben?
What if the HoIiday ArmadiIIo toId you aII about the FestivaI of Lights?
CooI!
Come on, Ben.
Years and years ago, there were these peopIe caIIed the Maccabees!
Merry Christmas!
Santa!
What are you doing here, Santa?
WeII, I'm here to see my oId buddy Ben.
What are you doing here...
...weird turtIe-man?
I'm the HoIiday ArmadiIIo, your part-Jewish friend.
You sent me here to give Ben some presents.
Remember?
What?
Ben, why don't you open some more presents.
Santa, the armadiIIo and I wiII have a taIk in the kitchen.
There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
What are you doing?
You caIIed and said you had troubIe finding a Santa costume...
...so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
Thank you, but you gotta Ieave.
-Why? -Because...
...I'm finaIIy getting him excited about Hanukkah.
And you're wrecking it.
But I didn't get to shake my beIIy Iike a bowI fuII of jeIIy.
I'm sorry, ChandIer, but this is reaIIy important to me.
Okay, fine. I'II give the suit back.
Hey, you think you can keep it another night?
Santa? ReaIIy?
-Yeah, is that okay? -Did your dad ever dress up Iike Santa?
-No. -Then it's okay!
You know what, everybody?
Go home. You shouId be with your famiIies.
It's bad enough we're working New Year's Eve.
Did I not teII anyone about New Year's Eve?
AII right, Iook, go. Go home, okay? Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas. -Peace on earth.
-Bye. -Good. Godspeed, good peopIe.
-You're not gonna go? -No. I couIdn't Ieave you aIone.
Thanks.
Besides, I can't Ieave untiI that Christmas party downstairs cIears out.
There are some pissed-off insurance peopIe Iooking for that ham.
-ChandIer Bing. -Hi, honey. We're aII here.
We want to wish you a merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas. I miss you guys.
So is it horribIe? Is everybody working reaIIy hard?
WeII, no, it's just me and Wendy.
Wendy? That sounds Iike a girI's name.
It is. Did I not teII you about her?
About the time you toId me about New Year's Eve.
-Where's everybody eIse? -I sent them home.
You are such a good boss. Is she pretty?
Answer faster. Answer faster.
-I don't know. -Answer better. Answer better.
I don't think of her that way. I mean, she's a coIIeague.
-What does she do there? -She's regionaI vice president.
-She's just beIow me. -She did what?
BeIow me.
Wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss OkIahoma?
What?!
WeII, she didn't win.
AII right, maybe I shouId Iet you...
...and the second prettiest girI in OkIahoma get back to work.
Second prettiest that year. Of aII the girIs in OkIahoma, she's probabIy--
ChandIer, stop taIking.
Honey, there's reaIIy nothing to worry about.
-Okay. -I'm serious.
Okay.
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, you guys. -Merry Christmas.
-The wife says hi. -Fun conversation?
WeII, she's just got this weird idea that...
...because you and I are aIone something's gonna happen.
ReaIIy?
WouId that be so terribIe?
This is probabIy the wrong thing to be worrying about...
...but you're getting ham on my onIy tie.
-Back off, missy! -Missy?
I don't know. I'm not used to girIs making passes at me.
Wait a minute. Am I sexy in OkIahoma?
-You are to me. -No. No. No!
-Look, I'm married. -So? I'm married.
I'm happiIy married.
What's that Iike?
-Right. So I'm sorry, but-- -SeriousIy? HappiIy married?
So that phone caII before, that was happy?
WeII, Iook, it's not easy to spend this much time apart.
She's entitIed to be a IittIe paranoid.
Or, in this case, right on the money.
You know, she's amazing and beautifuI and smart.
And if she were here right now, she'd kick your ass.
Look, you're a reaIIy nice person, ham-steaIing and aduItery aside.
But what I have with my wife is pretty great.
So nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
Okay, Iet me ask you something.
If what you and your wife have is so great...
...then why are you spending Christmas with me?
You were the most beautifuI woman in the room tonight.
-ReaIIy? -Are you kidding?
You're the most beautifuI woman in most rooms.
What's going on? You and I just made out.
-You and I are making out? -WeII, not anymore.
-But we don't do that. -I know. I just thought it wouId be fun.
-How drunk are you? -Drunk enough that I wanna do this.
Not so drunk that you shouId feeI guiIty about taking advantage.
That's a perfect amount.
-You know what's weird? -What?
-This doesn't feeI weird. -I know.
-You're a reaIIy good kisser. -WeII, I have kissed over four women.
You wanna get under the covers? Okay.
Wow, you are reaIIy fast.
It bodes weII for me that speed impresses you.
-We're gonna see each other naked. -Yep.
-You want to do it at the same time? -Count of three?
-One. -Two.
Three.
WeII, I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectiveIy ruined.
We weren't that cIose anyway.
Are you reaIIy gonna go out with that nurse-man?
WeII, you and I are just goofing around.
I thought, why not just goof around with him?
I don't know if you've ever Iooked up ''goofing around'' in the dictionary.
WeII, I have.
And the technicaI definition is two friends...
...who care a Iot about each other and have amazing sex...
...and just want to spend more time together.
If you have this newfangIed dictionary that gets you mad at me...
...then we have to, you know, get you my originaI dictionary.
I am so bad at this.
I think you're better than you think you are.
-ReaIIy? Okay. So if--? -Know when to stop.
I sensed that I shouId stop.
-So we're okay? -Yeah.
-Don't do the dance. -Right.
I can't get married without something oId, something new...
-...something borrowed, something bIue. -Okay, okay.
Here's something bIue and new.
You are so efficient. I Iove you.
-Let's go. -No, no, wait!
We need something oId.
Okay. I have a condom in my waIIet that I've had since I was 1 2.
That'II work!
I don't think so.
Okay. Now we just need something borrowed.
-Here, just take this. -That's steaIing.
We'II bring it back. Just put it under your dress.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Listen...
...I've been thinking.
It's not fair for me to ask you to spend aII of your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work-- You work reaIIy hard for that.
-WeII.... -WeII, you work for that.
Look, I've thought about it too. And...
...I'm sorry. I think we shouId spend aII of the money on the wedding.
-You do? -Yeah. I'm putting my foot down.
Yeah, Iook, when I proposed...
...I toId you that I wouId do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then....
Then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
But wait. What about our--? What about the future and stuff?
Forget about the future and stuff. So we onIy have two kids.
You know, we'II pick our favorite, and that one wiII get to go to coIIege.
-You've thought about that? -Yeah.
-How many kids were we gonna have? -Four. A boy, twin girIs...
...and another boy.
-What eIse did you think about? -WeII...
...stuff Iike where we'd Iive, you know.
Like a smaII pIace outside the city where our kids couId ride bikes and stuff.
And we couId have a cat that had a beII on its coIIar...
...and we couId hear it every time it ran through the IittIe kitty door.
We'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey couId grow oId.
You know what?
I don't-- I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
-Sure you do. -No.
I want everything that you've just said.
I want a marriage.
You sure?
-I Iove you so much. -I Iove you.
-I Iove it! -ReaIIy? You're not gonna return it?
WeII, not this second.
Hey, Iook, you guys. It's snowing!
-Wow, it's so beautifuI. -Wow, it reaIIy is.
Wendy's a fat-girI name.
Aren't we done with that?
Okay, fine. Fine. Let's taIk about snow.
Do you think it's snowing in TuIsa where my husband's having sex on a copier?
-Hey. -Oh, my God.
Look at that. That's a Christmas miracIe!
-What are you doing here? -I wanted to be with you.
I missed you so much.
-Hey, hey. Who'd you miss the most? -Monica.
Gotcha.
-I never want to Ieave you again. -I thought if you Ieft, you'd get fired.
Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit.
-What? -What? You--? You reaIIy quit your job?
Yeah. It was a stupid job, and I couId not stand Ieaving you.
Why shouId I be the onIy one who doesn't do what he reaIIy wants to do?
-WeII, what do you reaIIy wanna do? -I have not thought this through.
-Oh, my God. -I know. I shouId've taIked to you first.
No, I think that this is what you wanna do. I think it's great!
Thanks.
ChandIer, your being here is the best Christmas present I couId ever imagine.
-Now give me my reaI gift. -Yeah.
-Thank you. -Here, pass those around.
''A donation has been made in your name to the New York City BaIIet.''
How did you know?
What? Are you kidding? I can't return this.
It's time we started thinking about other peopIe.
And besides, this gift stiII says, ''I Iove you guys.''
-Mine says, ''To LiIIian Myers.'' -I don't have a job.
Actuary? No.
Bookkeeper? No.
TopIess dancer?
Hey, you know what I just reaIized? You are the soIe wage earner.
You are the head of the househoId. I don't do anything. I'm a kept man!
You are.
Honey, here's 20 bucks.
Go buy yourseIf something pretty whiIe I'm at work tomorrow.
ENGLISH