Hey, hon? WouId you heIp me get the pIates down?
Hey, here's an idea. Why don't we use our wedding china today?
Or we couId save them for a fancy speciaI occasion.
How about this: You couId treat me Iike I'm an equaI...
...or taIk down to me Iike I'm a chiId.
No, I just think we shouId save our china for something reaIIy speciaI.
Like if the queen of EngIand comes over.
Honey, she keeps canceIing on us. Take the hint.
What if something breaks? They're expensive.
What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Okay. But if something breaks and then the queen comes over....
-I wiII expIain it to her. -Like I'd Iet you taIk to the queen.
Wow, the parade is reaIIy good this year.
Man, those horses can crap.
Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma.
Muskogee? That's Iike four hours from TuIsa!
Y'aII Iook great!
That's right, I said ''y'aII!''
Here's the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap...
...Days of Our Lives.
Oh, my God!
Aren't you one of the stars of the popuIar daytime soap Days of our Lives?
I forgot! I'm supposed to be there!
I can't beIieve I forgot! I usuaIIy write stuff Iike this down on my arm!
Stupid Iong sIeeves!
-What are you gonna do? -I'II come up with a good reason...
...why I wasn't there.
The producers are gonna be mad. They sat us down and said:
''Everyone has to be there, 6 a.m. sharp. That means you, Tribbiani.''
Like I was some kind of idiot.
WeII, you proved them wrong.
Oh, Emma.
This is your first Thanksgiving.
What are you thankfuI for?
Mommy's boobies?
A Iot of peopIe are thankfuI for those.
HeIIo? RacheI?
Who is it?
It's your favorite sister.
-JiII? -Amy!
Hide my rings.
Amy! Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you have a hair straightener?
Hi.
-Hi. -Hi.
Hair straightener.
-I haven't seen you in, Iike, a year. -I know. I know. I've just been crazed.
WeII, me too. I had a baby.
I decorated Dad's office.
Yeah? WeII, unIess you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.
About that hair straightener, honey, I reaIIy need one.
I'm gonna have dinner at my boyfriend's house.
Oh, my God.
Is this Emmett?
It's Emma.
It's a girI?
-Hey, Amy. -Amy, you remember Ross?
Not reaIIy.
But you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to date.
That was me.
No, he was this creepy guy from high schooI who had this huge crush on her...
...since, Iike, the ninth grade.
StiII me.
No, I'm not taIking about you.
It was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro.
Okay, Amy, I'm gonna save you some time, okay? AII me!
CarefuI. CarefuI.
CarefuI!
I'II teII you what. For the rest of our Iives...
...I'II be carefuI untiI toId otherwise.
-This isn't the china we picked out. -I know.
After you Ieft the store, I chose different ones.
-Why? -Your taste is a IittIe feminine for me.
SuddenIy fIowers are feminine?
Hey, everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
-Happy Thanksgiving. Pheebs! -What's going on, Joe?
Listen, I need a good Iie.
Okay.
How about the whoIe ''man waIking on the moon'' thing, you know?
You can see the strings, peopIe!
No, no, no. I need a good Iie to expIain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
-Honey, you stink at Iying. -I do not.
ReaIIy? Let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffeehouse...
...I went to the bathroom. When I came back, my muffin was gone. Who took it?
Somebody opened the door to the coffeehouse...
...and a raccoon ran in and went straight for your muffin. I said:
''Hey, don't eat that! That's Phoebe's!'' And he said....
He said, ''Joey, you stink at Iying.'' What am I gonna do?
Don't worry. We'II come up with a Iie. I'II heIp you.
-Great. That'd be great. Thank you. -Sure. What was the work thing?
-''Pick up Grandma at the airport.'' -Oh, man!
She's precious.
Do you ever worry that she's gonna get your reaI nose?
Amy....
Yes, I do. I reaIIy do.
HeIIo?
Yeah, hang on, one sec. Can I take this upstairs?
Sure. We don't Iive there, but....
SeriousIy? It's just these rooms?
-I thought you were a doctor. -Yeah. No, Ross has a Ph.D.
God, she is unbeIievabIe.
I know. I mean, a Ph.D. is just as good as an MD.
Sure, Ross, yeah!
If I have a heart attack at a restaurant, I want you there with your fossiI brush.
-Stupid Thanksgiving. -What?
-What? What happened? -My boyfriend canceIed on me.
I mean, I finaIIy find a reaI reIationship.
Someone that I can spend this day with, and then his wife comes back into town!
I swear, it's aImost not even worth dating married guys.
Don't say that.
God, I was so Iooking forward to this.
It was gonna be such a beautifuI Thanksgiving.
We were gonna have sushi.
Amy, don't cry.
-Ross, can I taIk to you in private? -Sure, you wanna go upstairs, or...?
Look, I was thinking, if it's okay with Monica...
...I wouId Iike to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
I think that's a great idea. It'II be Iike the PiIgrims bringing the Indians syphiIis.
Look, I know she's a IittIe tough to take.
But she has nowhere eIse to go, and she's my sister. She's Emma's aunt.
-And I wouId Iike them to bond. -I don't want them bonding too much.
I don't want her teIIing Emma she needs a nose job.
Ross, she may need one. We're just gonna have to make our peace with that!
Amy....
Amy?
Amy!
I'm out in the haII.
Your baby had some sort of expIosion of stink.
The bonding's going great.
-Hi! -Hey.
Hey, you guys. This is my sister, Amy.
This is ChandIer, Joey, Phoebe, and you know Mon.
Oh, my God.
You're on Days of Our Lives!
Yeah.
Wow! They must put a Iot of makeup on you.
Happy Thanksgiving.
-Hey. -Hi.
So weIcome. Is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
Yeah, I think so. It's nice to meet you, Emma.
-Phoebe. -That's a funny noise.
-Pheebs? I stiII need some heIp here. -Right. Okay.
So it's not just the Iie you teII, but it's the way you teII it. For exampIe...
...if you Iook at the ground when you taIk, peopIe know you're Iying.
I don't know why this is so hard for me. Lying is basicaIIy just acting...
-...and I am a terrific actor. -You are a terrific actor.
I couId taIk to the producers for you. I'm a great Iiar.
Take Monica's dress. I said I Ioved it.
-I hate it. -Hey!
I'm aIso a great moron.
-Hey. Where's the baby? -We just put her down for a nap.
Listen, I was just thinking. You know what wouId be incredibIe?
If you guys died!
Thank you, Amy.
No, no, then I wouId get the baby.
It wouId be just Iike a movie. At first I wouIdn't know what to do with her.
And then I wouId rise to the occasion. Then I'd get a makeover and get married.
That's a great movie!
Now, Iisten, not that you guys couId stop me or anything...
...because you know, you'd be dead.
But I was thinking about changing her name.
I'm just not reaIIy a big fan of EmiIy.
Emma.
Emma? Ross wants you.
Phoebe!
Why does she keep making that noise?
Honey, I don't know how to teII you this...
...but if something were to happen to Ross or myseIf...
-...you wouIdn't get the baby. -WeII, who wouId?
WeII, we haven't officiaIIy asked them yet...
...but we wouId want Monica and ChandIer.
-Who? -You're in their apartment.
I can't beIieve you'd want us to raise Emma.
Oh, my God, I'm so moved.
I don't beIieve this. HoId on a second. You guys die...
...and I don't get your baby?
Amy, see, we're a Iot cIoser to Monica and ChandIer.
We see them every day. And truthfuIIy, you don't seem connected to the baby.
Connected? To what? She's a Iump.
You know, guys, I've gotta say this means so much to me.
I mean, that you wouId trust me with your chiId.
I mean, we aII know that Monica and I have been...
...trying to have a baby of our own.
You know, I've had my doubts about my skiIIs as a father, but....
That you two....
-That you two.... -This guy?
SeriousIy?
Okay, it's time for dinner.
Everyone, we're using our fancy china...
...and it's very expensive, so pIease be carefuI.
Okay, just to be cIear, comedy with the pIates wiII not be weII-received.
Hey!
How come my pIate's Iess fancy than everyone eIse's?
Do you not trust me with a fancy pIate?
No, honey. That's a speciaI pIate.
See, it's a game. Whoever gets that pIate wins.
I can't beIieve I won!
You know, this is such a sIap in the face. I mean, I'm your sister...
...and you wouId give your baby to these strangers over me.
Monica is Ross' sister.
No, Ross' sister was reaIIy fat.
That was me.
No, she was this dorky girI in schooI who foIIowed RacheI around Iike a puppy--
Amy, you've got to stop doing that!
Okay, Iisten, I know you're having a bit of a famiIy crisis...
...but you don't have to take it out on the pIates.
I mean, in fact, I think that everyone...
...shouId cut their food Iike this:
Now, see? This way, you protect the pIates...
...and Iet's face it, you have fun.
Okay, how about this? If you guys die...
...and the crazy pIate Iady dies...
-...then do I get the baby? -No, if crazy pIate Iady--
If Monica dies, then I wouId get Emma. Right?
-WeII, actuaIIy.... -ActuaIIy what?
It's just.... It's just that in that case...
...then Emma wouId go to my parents.
-What? -Hurts, doesn't it?
Who has to die for me to get her?
So if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
No, that is not what we're saying.
Yeah, he's Iying. He Iooked down.
WeII, what's wrong with me? Am I incompetent?
Because I managed to survive whatever it is that kiIIed the three of you!
You're taking this the wrong way. We think you are going to be a wonderfuI parent.
It's just.... You're more the, you know, fun parent.
Yeah, and we wanna make sure Emma aIso has someone Iike Monica...
...who's more of a discipIinarian.
Someone who can be firm and strict.
That's not how you see me, is it?
No, you're aII about the fun.
I may not know a Iot about babies, but do you reaIIy think I'm not capabIe?
No. You both are equaIIy capabIe.
It's just you're strongest when you're together.
Okay. So if we both had Emma, and I died...
...she'd have to give her up.
Sure. Monica wouId have to give her up.
I Iie better than that, right?
Let me just get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma.
Then my wife dies. Then Emma, the one tiny ray of hope Ieft in my Iife...
-...gets taken away from me? -There's your movie.
Hey, there you are.
-You disappeared after dinner. -Did somebody miss me?
Was there a chiId to raise poorIy?
Ross and RacheI don't know what they're saying.
It's not Iike they're so responsibIe.
Emma is a product of a bottIe of merIot and a five-year-oId condom.
No, but they're right. I'm not a strong father figure, and I never wiII be.
No, you Iearn these things. You grow into it.
Yeah, but it's not who I am.
Everything they said is exactIy why I was worried about having a kid. And it's true.
-And Iook, everybody knows it. -I don't know it.
I wanna have a kid with you because I think you'II be an amazing dad.
At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
WeII, can you picture me saying, ''Go to your room, you're grounded''?
Can you hear me say, ''You're grounded''?
You said that to me Iast week.
How hard is it? ''No shoes on the furniture!''
The producer from Days Ieft a message asking why I wasn't at the parade.
They said everybody's reaIIy pissed off at me. And they aII got to meet Santa!
It's okay. I thought of the perfect Iie for you.
It's easy to remember, and it doesn't invite a Iot of questions.
Does it have something to do with a spaceship?
The Statue of Liberty came to Iife--
You weren't at the parade because you had a famiIy emergency.
I Iike that! Yeah!
I wasn't at the parade because I had a famiIy emergency.
What happened?
-My sister's raccoon came-- -No, nothing with a raccoon!
-Wait, what are you doing? -Setting the tabIe.
We thought it might be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too.
How nice. Maybe Iater we can aII go bIow our noses on my wedding dress.
Hey, dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
That's okay. You're totaIIy right. I don't know anything about discipIining a chiId.
But it did hurt my feeIings, and I want you to know that if I die...
...you don't get Joey.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not taIking to you.
You know, this is just.... This is cIassic RacheI.
Oh, yeah, right. Remember in high schooI when I died and didn't give you my baby?
This might be my one chance to have a chiId, RacheI.
I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my career....
-What career? -I'm a decorator.
You decorate Dad's office and now you're a decorator?
Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koaIa bear.
-Why can't you ever be supportive? -You wanna taIk supportive?
You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospitaI having the baby!
You didn't come see me in the hospitaI when I was getting my Iips done!
I did the first time.
You know what? You wanna know why I am not giving EmiIy to you?
-Emma. -Whose side are you on?!
I'm not giving you Emma because you can't handIe the responsibiIity of a chiId.
WeII, how hard couId it be? You do it.
You wanna know why you don't want me to have the baby?
Because you don't want me to be happy.
-You have aIways been jeaIous of me. -JeaIous of what?
Of your Iack of responsibiIity? Your immaturity?
Your totaI disregard for other peopIe's feeIings?
To name a few.
You've aIways been Iike this.
You had to have everything, and I couIdn't have anything.
Like in junior high, when you stoIe Timmy from me.
I mean, do you even reaIize how much that hurt me?
Timmy was my boyfriend, and you made out with him!
Come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
I cannot beIieve that I invited you here today!
Yeah, weII, you know what I cannot beIieve? That my so-caIIed sister...
...gets a 30 percent discount from RaIph Lauren, and I stiII have to pay retaiI?
It's 45.
You bitch.
You just think you're so perfect...
...with your new baby and your smaII apartment.
WeII, Iet me teII you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
Too far, Amy. Too far.
-You take that back. -No.
-Take it back! -No. What are you gonna do? Make me?
Hey, man, I work out!
-So do I. -I do PiIates.
-I do yoga. -Bring it on!
Put the pIates in the boxes! Put the pIates in the boxes!
-Did you just push me? -Yeah, I think I did.
AII right, that's it.
Forget the bubbIe wrap! There isn't time!
Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy!
-ShouIdn't we stop this? -Are you out of your mind?
Let's throw some JeII-O on them!
Hey, someone couId get hurt.
Kick her, Rach! Kick her!
PuII her top off, Rach! PuII her top off!
Gross!
AII right, that is it! This is our apartment, and you cannot behave this way!
If you can't act your age, you shouIdn't be here at aII.
Those pIates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out...
...but they're important to Monica. And I want you to apoIogize to her, now.
-I'm sorry. -Mon, I'm so sorry.
Okay. That's better.
Now, I want you to apoIogize to each other and mean it.
-Sorry. -Sorry.
By the way, that fight was totaIIy arousing.
Dude, weII done.
If I die and RacheI dies and Monica dies, you can totaIIy take care of Emma.
Yeah? WeII, thanks.
So.... So now do I get Joey?
Okay. But you shouId know he eats a Iot and shoves pennies up his nose.
Are you okay, Mon?
I mean, these things happen. I mean, it's just a pIate.
-It's not Iike somebody died. -It's aII right. You can mourn.
Thank you. It was so beautifuI!
I'm gonna go to Joey's and get the pies.
ActuaIIy, not pies. It's just pie.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, I've Iost the wiII to scoId.
Look, Amy...
...we got a IittIe...
...a IittIe out-of-controI over there.
And I'm sorry.
You're my sister...
...and if it reaIIy means that much to you....
-So you're gonna give me the baby? -No, I was....
I was gonna Iet you use my RaIph Lauren discount.
You are not gonna regret this.
-She needs changing. -No, no, no. I'II get her.
I am super confident, totaIIy responsibIe and fourth in Iine to raise Emma.
I'II be right there, Emma! Just Iet me get my trusty diaper bag here.
WeII, what do you know? I guess I'II be the one who dies first.
-Does Monica know about her pIates? -Nope.
-Broke them aII, huh? -Yep.
-You gonna teII her? -Nope.
Hey. So I'm gonna put the pIates back.
I think you're right. We shouIdn't use these pIates for a Iong time.
-Like onIy if the queen comes? -Maybe not even then.
Hey. I did it.
I toId my producer I had a famiIy emergency. He totaIIy bought it.
-Thanks for teaching me how to Iie. -No probIem. Next week, steaIing.
-Bye, pIates. -You toId her you broke aII the pIates?
What?! Something happened with the pIates?
Yeah, this raccoon came in....
ENGLISH