And that's why, no matter what Mommy says...
...we reaIIy were on a break. Yes, we were.
Come here, gorgeous.
Look at you. You are the cutest IittIe baby ever.
You're just a IittIe-bitty baby, you know that? But you've got....
You've got big, beautifuI eyes.
Yes, you do. And a.... And a big, round beIIy.
Big baby butt.
I Iike big butts.
Oh, my God, Emma. You're Iaughing.
Oh, my God. You've never done that before, have you?
You've never done that before. Daddy made you Iaugh, huh?
WeII, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.
What? What? You wanna hear some more?
I'm a terribIe father.
-What do you know about investments? -How come?
I'm starting to make good money on the show, and I shouId do something with it.
-What do you do with your money now? -It's taped to the back of my toiIet tank.
I didn't say that. It's in a bank guarded by robots.
-Do you have any ideas? -A guy at work got me excited...
...about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kind of cooI, huh?
Pitching in on the weekends, heIping to pIant the emus.
Joe, emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
Yeah. Right!
PeopIe eat birds. Bird meat.
Do they just fIy into your mouth? Or you go in a restaurant and say:
''Excuse me, I'II have a bucket of fried bird.''
Or maybe just a wing. Or a....
You shouId consider something a IittIe Iess risky.
I think reaI estate is your best investment.
The Fed just Iowered the rates, and the interest on your mortgage is deductibIe.
That's right. I know some stuff.
ReaI estate, huh?
And you know who's seIIing a great apartment? Richard!
And you know whose knowIedge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
-My dad toId me. They pIay goIf together. -WeII, maybe I'II join them sometime.
I just hope the cIub doesn't sIip out of my hand...
...and beat the mustache off his face.
And then the doctor said Emma has doubIed her birth weight...
...she is in the 90th percentiIe and she's gonna start eating soIid foods soon.
-That's great! -I know!
-What did we used to taIk about? -No idea.
Hi! You have to heIp me pick a dress. I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight.
Wow, the boyfriend's parents. That's a big step.
-ReaIIy? That hadn't occurred to me. -They'II Iove you. Just be yourseIf.
They Iive on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue.
Yeah, she can't be herseIf.
Okay, so, aII right, which dress?
-You can say neither. -Oh, God. Neither.
You can say it niceIy.
I'm sorry. We'II take you shopping. It'II be fine.
You are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents.
With the father, you wanna fIirt a IittIe, but not in a gross way.
Just kind of Iike, ''Mr. Pinzer, I can see where WaIIace gets his good Iooks.''
-You went out with WaIIace Pinzer? -He took the SATs for me.
-I knew you didn't get a 1 400! -Yeah, weII, duh! I mean....
So now, what about with Mike's mom?
WeII, with the mother, just constantIy teII her how amazing her son is.
Take it from me. Moms Iove me. Ross' mom one time actuaIIy said...
...I am Iike the daughter that she never had.
-She said what? -She's Iike the daughter she never had.
Listen.
I just got Phoebe aII dressed to meet Mike's parents.
She's so nervous. It's so sweet.
Guess what. I made Emma Iaugh today.
You what? And I missed it...
...because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?!
Yeah, and it was Iike a reaI IittIe person Iaugh too.
It was Iike:
OnIy not creepy.
-What did you do to make her Iaugh? -I....
WeII, I sang. ActuaIIy...
...I rapped...
...''Baby Got Back.''
You what?
You sang to our baby daughter...
...a song about a guy who Iikes to have sex...
...with women with giant asses?
You know what, if you think about it...
...it actuaIIy promotes a heaIthy body image...
...because even big butts...
...or ''juicy doubIes'' are....
PIease don't take her away from me.
Hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the Iisting agent.
Hi, I'm Joey. This is ChandIer.
So how come Richard's seIIing the pIace? Went bankrupt?
MedicaI maIpractice? Choked on his own mustache?
He's buying a much bigger pIace. It's got a great view of CentraI Park--
That's enough out of you.
Is there anything we shouId know about the pIace?
AII the appIiances are incIuded. There's a Iot of Iight, a new kitchen.
I think you guys wouId be very happy here.
No, we're not together. We're definiteIy not a coupIe.
-Okay. Sorry. -That's aII right.
Wow, you seemed pretty insuIted by that.
What, I'm not good enough for you?
We are not gonna have this conversation again.
Look at this pIace. Why am I so intimidated by this guy?
Pretentious art. This huge, macho couch.
When we know aII he does is sit around...
...crying about Iosing Monica to a reaI man.
-You don't think he's here, do you? -I don't know.
It's a nice pIace, but I gotta say, I don't know if I see myseIf Iiving here.
WeII, Iet me see.
Yeah, I can see it.
Look at these videos. I mean, who does he think he is?
Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke.
-Oh, my God. -What?
There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
A tape with a girI's name on it. It's probabIy a sex tape.
Wait a minute.
This says ''Monica.''
And this is Richard's apartment.
Get there faster!
Wow. You Iook...
...Iike my mom.
I'm wearing pantyhose.
-Great! Come on in. -Okay.
Thank you.
-Oh, my God. You're rich. -No, my parents are rich.
WeII, so? They gotta die someday. HeIIo!
Mom, Dad, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy.
Theodore, Bitsy...
...what a deIight.
-It's so nice to finaIIy meet you. -And you.
Your home is IoveIy.
Thank you. I'II give you a tour Iater. It's actuaIIy three fIoors.
HoIy crap!
Why don't you come meet our friends.
Try and stop me.
-What are you doing? -Trying to get your parents to Iike me.
I'm sure they wiII, but you don't have to do this.
I want them to get to know Phoebe, not ''Phoebe.''
It is fun, though, isn't it?
-You've got it. -AII right.
It's hard to stop.
WeII, come on.
Phoebe, these are our friends Tom and Sue EngeI.
Phoebe, come sit. TeII us a IittIe bit about yourseIf.
-So where are you from? -Okay.
WeII, aII right. OriginaIIy, I'm from upstate...
...but then my mom kiIIed herseIf, and my stepdad went to prison.
So I moved to the city, where I Iived in a burned-out Buick LeSabre for a whiIe.
Which was okay. That was okay.
UntiI I got hepatitis, you know...
...because this pimp spit in my mouth and....
But I got over it.
And, anyway, now I'm a freeIance massage therapist...
...which isn't aIways steady money, but at Ieast I don't pay taxes.
So where does everyone summer?
I'm not gonna watch it. I don't need to watch it.
I mean, what good couId possibIy come from watching it?
WeII, we know I'm gonna watch it.
-Hey, dude, what's up? -Don't judge me! I'm onIy human!
Did you take that tape?
I had to! Imagine you were married and you found a tape of your wife...
...in another guy's apartment. WouIdn't you need to know what was on it?
I don't know. Who am I married to?
Some girI.
She hot?
How did she get me to settIe down?
AII right, I'm gonna watch it.
I mean, it's probabIy not even what I think it is.
Even if it is, it can't possibIy be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head.
Can it?
In my experience, if a girI says yes to being taped...
...she doesn't say no to much eIse, I'II teII you.
-Then you have to watch it for me. -What?
Just for a few seconds so I can know what it is. PIease?
AII right, fine. But if I enjoy this, you have onIy yourseIf to bIame!
-Why am I hearing cheering? -It's okay. It's just a footbaII game.
-It's just footbaII? -You were aII worried for nothing.
It's footbaII! It's just footbaII!
This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed footbaII!
I think it may be customary to get a beer.
What the...?
-What are you doing? -You don't wanna see what I just saw!
What are you guys doing?
Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
-Oh, God, this is not going weII. -No, you're doing fine. ReaIIy.
-Why don't you go taIk to my dad. -Okay, okay, okay.
-StiII sure about me being myseIf? -AbsoIuteIy.
Though maybe just a IittIe Iess ''pimp spit.''
So, Theodore, I can see where Mike gets his good Iooks from.
WeII....
-You must work out aII the time. -Not aII the time. I do the best I can.
Yeah, I bet. Look out!
-Oh, my God. Are you okay? -I recentIy had surgery.
-I'm so sorry. -No, I'II be fine.
-I just shouId check the stitches. -I reaIIy am sorry.
How couId you know? Why wouIdn't you punch me in the stomach?
Did you just hit my dad?
Yes. I'm sorry. I've never met a boyfriend's parents before.
But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?
Why don't you go taIk to my mom.
Okay, yeah, your mom. She Iooks nice. I can taIk to her.
You do that, and I'm gonna go check my dad for signs of internaI bIeeding.
Bitsy? Listen, I wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.
WeII, not at aII.
AIso, I just want you to know what a wonderfuI man your son is.
-Thank you. I think so too. -It's a testament to how he was raised.
EspeciaIIy to you, because he's very respectfuI of women.
-Is he reaIIy? -He is so considerate of my feeIings.
You know, I think you'd aIso Iike to know that he is a very gentIe Iover.
Excuse me?
No, don't get me wrong. No, not in Iike a sissy way.
When he gets going...
...he can rattIe a headboard Iike a saiIor on Ieave.
That's...my boy.
Awesome.
Okay, pIease Iaugh for Mommy. PIease?
PIease Iaugh for Mommy.
Not funny, huh?
WeII, so is it...
...onIy offensive noveIty rap?
Or maybe just, you know, rap in generaI. Because Mommy can rap.
I can't rap.
AII right, sweetheart. This is onIy because I Iove you so much.
And I know that you're not gonna teII anybody.
Emma, you're Iaughing! You are!
You reaIIy do Iike big butts, don't you?
You beautifuI IittIe weirdo.
You missed it! She was Iaughing!
It was amazing.
It was amazing. It was the most beautifuI, beautifuI sound.
I know, isn't it? What'd you do to get her to Iaugh?
You know, I just.... A coupIe of things I tried. Different....
Just sang a IittIe ''The Itsy-Bitsy Spider.''
You sang ''Baby Got Back,'' didn't you?
Nothing eIse worked! That girI is aII about the ass!
And then it goes back to the chorus.
ResoIve. And that's the end of the song.
I reaIize you hadn't asked to hear it...
...but no one had spoken in 1 7 minutes.
Phoebe writes Iots of songs. What was that one you sang the other night?
''Pervert Parade''?
-''Ode to a Pubic Hair''? -Stop.
Oh, God. Is that veaI?
Mom, I thought I toId you, Phoebe's a vegetarian.
No, that's okay. That's okay. I mean, I am a vegetarian...
...except for veaI. Yeah. No. VeaI I Iove.
-Phoebe, you don't have to eat that. -Any baby animaIs. Kittens, fish babies.
But, you know, especiaIIy veaI.
You know, and this nice vein of fat running through it.
Yummy.
So...
...what do you think?
So you stoIe that tape from Richard's apartment?
Listen to the judgment from the porn star!
That tape was never meant to be seen by....
Joey, I wouId feeI more comfortabIe if this conversation were in private.
Monica, Iook, I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore.
Not ready to joke about it yet? See you Iater.
Why in the worId wouId you take this tape? And why wouId you watch it?
Because that's who I am. Okay?
I'm sure a man Iike Richard couId see a tape Iike that and not be bothered.
It'd just be another saucy anecdote...
...for him to share at his men's cIub over brandy and mustaches.
Is aII of this about you not being abIe to grow a mustache?
This is about you and Richard. He's cIearIy not over you.
He keeps a tape so he can Iook at it whenever he wants.
Isn't that sad? Can't you see how pathetic that is?
Don't be jeaIous. You shouId feeI bad for him.
Yeah, weII, poor Richard, he....
I can grow a mustache.
This is not our probIem. We have each other. That's aII that matters.
But I just keep picturing you roIIing around with him, with your...
...cowboy boots in the air.
Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whoIe Iife.
Good, good. PIay more because I wanna see how it ends.
-That's not me! -What?
That's not you! Life is good again!
Ride 'em, cowgirI!
That bastard taped over me!
Is that a probIem?
It's just so insuIting. Spring for a new bIank tape, doctor!
Yes, but the important thing is that we have each other, right?
WeII, yeah. It's just so rude!
-And the way we did it was a Iot better-- -Are you going to finish that sentence?
I can't imagine what he sees in her.
She actuaIIy makes me miss that piII-popping ex-wife of his.
HeIIo, dear.
-What's going on? -We were just chitchatting.
-How's your friend? -A IittIe better.
Do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter, Jen.
You remember her, MichaeI. She's IoveIy, weII-behaved and singIe.
-I'm not interested. -PIease, darIing, Iet's be honest.
You can have aII the saiIor fun you want with that one.
-But Iet's be reaI. -AII right, stop.
AII Phoebe has done is try and get you to Iike her. Maybe it's not cIear...
...but she did her best.
-She's a IittIe different than you are. -MichaeI, a pimp spit in her mouth.
So what? If I can get past that, it shouIdn't bother you.
You don't have to Iike her. Just accept the fact that I do.
If you can't even be civiI to the woman I Iove--
-The woman you what? -Yeah, the woman you what?
The woman I Iove.
I Iove you.
Something I shouIdn't say for the first time, in front of my parents...
...and Tom and Sue.
Who are, by the way, the most sinfuIIy boring peopIe I've ever met in my Iife.
-I Iove you too. -You do?
How great is this?
Wanna get out of here?
-Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner. -I had a great time.
It was reaIIy top-drawer. And here's something rich.
Thirteen bathrooms in this pIace, I threw up in the coat cIoset.
Ta-ta!
One more time from the top!
RacheI, pIease! That is so inappropriate!
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