HeIIo.
I Iove my new job!
-Honey, you're screaming. -You bet your ass I am!
I just had the best first day ever!
The kitchen? Twice as big as AIIessandro's.
Oh, that's great.
And cIean? Not just heaIth department-cIean, Monica-cIean!
Awesome.
Oh, and the peopIe are so nice.
There's this one guy, Jeffrey, he's the maître d' .
ChandIer, you wiII Iove him!
He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met!
-This is nice. -I know.
-You need both hands for that? -Yeah, I kind of do.
WeII, how's this?
Are you sure that's sweet enough?
Look at you two hoIding hands.
Is this getting serious?
Have you not taIked about it yet?
Am I making you uncomfortabIe?
If you were bigger you'd hit me.
I'm sorry.
It's obviousIy way too earIy for us to be having that conversation.
-Is it? -Maybe not. Is it?
When I got divorced...
...I didn't think I'd feeI this way about someone for a reaIIy Iong time.
Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone Iike you. And....
This may be crazy-soon, but I want you to have this.
No, not.... That's gum.
Oh, five bucks! I Iove it when that happens, you know?
-You don't know it's there-- -I know. Keep digging.
Sorry.
It's a key.
To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five doIIars.
-It's to my apartment. -Wow!
Big step for Phoebe and Mike.
I don't want you to feeI Iike you have to give me your key....
-No, I want to. -Thank God.
Wow. I was starting to think I'd never meet someone that...
...I wanted to do this with.
Here you go.
-This is cooI. -It reaIIy is.
I know it. It is amazing. These IittIe things open doors!
So I don't go back to work for another four weeks...
...but we wouId Iike our nanny to start right away...
...so that Emma couId get a chance to know her.
I think that's reaIIy smart.
The easier we can make the transition for her the better.
That's great. Great.
-So do you have any questions for us? -Not reaIIy.
AII right. WeII, thank you so much for coming.
-Thank you. -It was reaIIy nice to meet you.
-We wiII caII you. -Oh, you know, wait.
I do have one question.
Do you guys do random drug testing?
Boy, we hadn't reaIIy thought of that.
That's cooI. But if you do, I'm gonna need three days' notice.
Okey-dokey!
We're never gonna find a nanny.
Come on, Rach. We wiII. I promise. We have more interviews.
Worse comes to worst, we can aIways reconsider the first one we met with.
-What, the bIond with no bra? -She was bIond?
Just a sec.
Okay, this one's name is Sandy.
She's got a degree in EarIy ChiIdhood Education.
She worked for her Iast famiIy for three years.
Hi. I'm Sandy.
And she's a IittIe mannish.
Oh, my God! David!
-Is this a bad time? -No, it's a great time! Come in!
Wow! Hi!
Oh, my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk?
Just for a coupIe of days.
I'm here to expIain to the peopIe who gave us our grant...
...why it's a positive thing that we've spent aII their money...
...and accompIished nothing.
Who cares? It got you here.
It got me to New York. Then I got in a cab at the airport...
...and the guy said, ''Where to?''
I just gave him your address. I didn't even think about it.
Where's your Iuggage?
Damn it.
AII right, I'II caII the cab company.
We can caII them Iater. Can you just stand there for a moment?
Boy.
There's an oId Russian expression that goes:
RoughIy transIated, that means:
''This thing that I'm Iooking at: Wow.''
Thank you.
You shouId see me when-- ActuaIIy, no, I Iook pretty good.
Are you kidding?
You know, when you don't see someone for a Iong time...
...you buiId them up in your head, you start thinking:
''Come on, don't be crazy, nobody's that beautifuI.''
But, weII, you are.
WeII, so are you seeing anyone?
No.
I'm just the worst person ever!
How can I not teII David that I'm seeing Mike?
Maybe he didn't give you a chance.
He said, ''Are you seeing someone?'' and I said, ''No.''
WeII, that wouId've been your window.
I mean, I don't know. I was Iooking in his eyes...
...and I was just thinking, ''Oh, my God, it's David. David's here.''
He's so irresistibIe.
-ReaIIy? The scientist guy? -ReaIIy? ChandIer?
Continue.
Then it gets worse...
...because I toId him I wouId see him tomorrow night.
-Phoebe! -I know! EviI!
I Iike Mike so much, you know? It's just going reaIIy weII. Oh, my God!
Isn't it ironic that David wouId show up...
...on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Yeah. You know, and given my IifeIong search for irony...
...you can imagine how happy I am!
-What are you gonna do? -I mean, I guess I just have to...
...teII David that nothing can happen between us.
UnIess I don't.
You know, compIicated moraI situation?
-No right, no wrong? -You have to teII David.
I knew I shouId've had this conversation with Joey.
Funniest guy she's ever met.
I'm funny, right?
What do you know? You're a door.
You just Iike knock-knock jokes.
Save it for inside.
So OkIahoma's a crazy pIace. You know, they caII it the Sooner State.
FrankIy, I'd sooner be in any other state!
And what's with OkIahoma having a panhandIe?
Can aII states have stuff Iike that?
Hey, yeah, I'm from the waistband of Wyoming.
But when I was 7, we headed over to the crotch.
Was your cabin pressurized?
And don't get me started on the way the peopIe from TuIsa taIk.
Okay.
What's with the word ''y'aII''? You know, just two words just pushed together?
Are we aII aIIowed to do that? Because if so, I say why stop there?
You know, your new poodIe couId be your noodIe.
And fried chicken couId be fricken.
Waiter? Waiter, excuse me, I'II have the fricken!
See, that's funny with the fricken, right?
No, it just reminds me of something this guy did today at work.
I toId you about that funny guy, Jeffrey, right?
Yeah, he came up.
WeII, he did this bit. You probabIy had to be there...
...but it was Liza MinneIIi Iocked in our freezer eating a raw chicken.
-Were you there? -No, but it sounds fricken funny.
I reaIIy understand how hard it's gotta be to Ieave your chiId with another person.
I mean, it's Iike Ieaving behind a piece of your heart.
Sandy, that's exactIy what it is.
Are you gay?
I'm sorry, that's our Ross. He's just Mr. Shoot Straight From The Hip.
It's okay. I get that a Iot doing what I do.
But I am straight. I'm engaged, actuaIIy.
-Her name's DeIia. -That's pretty.
So you're just, Iike, a guy who's a nanny.
I reaIize how it's a bit unorthodox for some peopIe.
But I reaIIy beIieve the most satisfying thing you can do with your Iife...
...is take care of a chiId.
Okay.
Like at my Iast job.
I met DanieI when he was 3 weeks oId.
And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person.
When I Ieft, I said, ''I'II see you soon.''
And he said to me, ''Skadandy?''
That was his name for me.
''I'II see you every day right in....''
-It's okay. -Yeah, kids say aII kinds of crap.
Oh, God, she must need her diaper changed.
-I can take care of that, if you want. -That wouId be great.
Just so you know, these dinosaur toys aren't reaIIy age-appropriate.
They're mine.
AIso not age-appropriate.
I Iove him, I Iove him, I Iove him!
Come on. Rach, he's a guy!
So what? He's smart. He's quaIified.
Give me one good reason we shouIdn't try him out.
Because it's weird!
Why?
Wow, I never Iooked at it that way.
What kind of a job is that for a man? A nanny?
I mean, it's Iike if a woman wanted to be--
Yes?
King?
I hope you don't mind. I used some of my homemade Iotion on Emma.
It's a mixture of caIenduIa and honey cream. It'II dry that rash right up.
PIus, it keeps the hands young.
Yes! Sandy, you're hired!
That's great!
I'm sorry.
It's just such an emotionaI thing when you're weIcomed into a new famiIy.
Oh, God. Come here.
You gotta be at Ieast bi.
I need you to set me up for a joke.
When Monica's around, ask me about fire trucks.
I don't know, ChandIer. I'm not so good with remembering Iines.
Thank God your IiveIihood doesn't depend on it.
I know, right?
Why are we doing this?
Monica says that her maître d' is the funniest guy she's ever met.
-SeriousIy? She actuaIIy said that? -Yes. Am I crazy to be this upset?
-No! Being funny's your thing! -Yeah!
Without that, you just got ''Iame with women'' !
Hi! There you are.
Fire trucks!
-Hi. -Hi.
I brought you this from Minsk.
You're not gonna beIief this. This is Iemon-fIavored vodka.
Yeah, we actuaIIy have this here.
I traded four pairs of Levi's for that.
Thanks anyway.
Wow. You Iook even more beautifuI than you did yesterday.
In fact, I'm going to kiss you now.
-Wait, wait. -I can't get away with stuff Iike that.
It sounded sexy in my head, so I....
No, no, it's not that.
Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no?
WeII, I am. His name's Mike.
-I shouId've toId you. -No.
WeII, yeah.
I'm sorry. I wanted to teII you, but then I just got Iost in your eyes...
...and I just forgot aII about....
-Mike? -Right, yes.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -WeII, it's okay. I understand.
WeII, are you happy with this guy?
-I am happy. -Damn it.
I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I want you to be happy.
But onIy with me. No, that's not fair. Who cares. Leave him.
I don't mean that. Yes, I do. I'm sorry.
I think I shouId probabIy go.
But, David, I just want you to know that, you know...
...teIIing you this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
WeII, just so you know...
...hearing it wasn't exactIy a VIadnik carnivaI, either.
-Can we at Ieast hug goodbye? -Of course. Yeah.
You know, and a kiss on the cheek wouIdn't be totaIIy inappropriate.
-No. No. -I mean....
-In Minsk? -Yeah?
It's two on each cheek...
-...and one on the Iips. -WeII, if that's what they do in Minsk.
In New York, it's--
Oh, boy.
Is everything aII right?
Oh, yeah. No, it's fine. It's fine.
Sandy was just teIIing me about how he proposed to his fiancée...
...and it was so beautifuI.
Her favorite fIower is the cameIIia. From the poem--
I can't hear it again!
You know, I can't teII it again!
And I'm fine never having heard it.
-Rach, can I see you for a sec? -Yeah. Excuse me.
Do you reaIize that man has cried in our apartment three times?
I haven't cried that many times since I moved in!
Come on, Ross, you got a IittIe misty when Ben broke your I-heart-fossiIs mug.
I'II have you know that was a fareweII gift from my coIIeagues at the museum.
-Okay? They aII chipped in for that. -They must have aII Ioved you very much.
Look, Ross, Sandy's just sensitive. That's aII.
Okay, okay. See, that is the probIem. He is too sensitive.
Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
No, I mean, that guy-- These are amazing!
Sandy made madeIeines.
This is exactIy what I'm taIking about.
What kind of a guy makes deIicate French cookies?
They're not even butch, manIy cookies with....
You know, with chunks!
WeII, you know, I don't know what to say.
I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men.
I gotta teII you, Ross, it's not Iike you just came in from branding cattIe.
Hey, there's sensitive and there's too sensitive.
Okay, what is too sensitive?
No, I can't. I can't do this. It's bad.
But it's nice. And nice is good.
And good is not bad. Ergo, we shouId keep kissing.
-No, no. No. -But....
Ergo.
Look, David, if you had never Ieft, then...
...yeah, we'd probabIy stiII be together right now.
But you did Ieave. And I'm with Mike and I reaIIy care about him.
Okay.
WeII, he's very Iucky.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
The key works.
Hi, Mike.
And, you, thanks for the face massage! Thank you!
Did RacheI teII you we hired a maIe nanny?
I think that's great!
Did she teII you he pIays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes madeIeines?
-How are they? -Lighter than air, but that's not the point.
RacheI and I hired a maIe nanny.
ReaIIy?
Guys do that?
-That's weird. -Thank you!
-That's Iike a woman wanting to be-- -What?
-What's the end of that sentence? -Yes. What is the end of that sentence?
A penis modeI!
Anyway, did you teII ChandIer that some guy from work...
...is the funniest guy you ever met?
-Yeah. So? -Wow!
ReaIIy? Do you not know ChandIer?
Is that why he's acting so weird? He's jeaIous?
Oh, my God, that is crazy.
-It's not Iike I'm attracted to Jeffrey. -So what?
Being funny is ChandIer's thing. Like Ross' thing is....
Science?
Academia? Being a good father?
-I can't beIieve he's that upset. -Are you kidding?
That's Iike ChandIer saying he met someone who was more uptight than you.
-Excuse me? -I'm sorry. Sorry. More controIIing than you.
-WeII, that's better. -Yeah, okay.
You have to do some damage controI.
Because he's feeIing Iike--
What are you guys taIking about?
RacheI and I hired a maIe nanny.
You got a man who's a nanny?
You got a ''manny''?
You know, I don't mind a maIe nanny...
...but I do draw the Iine at maIe wet nurse.
You are on a roII, mister!
If I'd known you guys were coming over, I wouId've brought more pizza.
Okay! Okay! Stop it, you! You stop it!
What is so funny about that?
Monica?
I don't know, it's.... Just the way you say it.
I mean, you're funny. You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy!
Did you teII her what we taIked about?
So those were pity Iaughs? Pity Iaughs?!
Honey, Iisten.
You have nothing to worry about with Jeffrey.
Oh, yeah? Is he funnier than me?
WeII, you're different funny.
I mean, you're more sarcastic.
WeII, he does bits and impressions and Iimericks.
I do Iimericks.
There once was a man named ChandIer whose wife made him die inside.
Honey, you know I think you're hiIarious.
You know that joke you toId me Iast week?
The one about Jerry Lewis and the girI with the Iazy eye.
That sIayed me.
Hey! I made up that joke and toId it to you.
-Not knowing when to shut up. -Yep, that's my thing.
So how many guys have your key?
It's not as bad as it Iooks.
I was saying goodbye to an oId friend.
Your Iipstick's on his mouth.
We just happen to wear the same shade.
No, David and I did used to go out.
But years ago. And he Iives in Minsk. He's onIy in town for a coupIe days.
-Did you--? -No. No.
-Kiss him? -Oh, weII, yeah.
Yes, but-- Look, she reaIIy Iikes you.
In fact, she stopped what was a pretty amazing kiss.
-David, David, David. -No, no. He shouId hear this.
I don't think you reaIize just how Iucky you are, feIIa.
-Don't point your finger at me! -Why?
What are you gonna do about it?
WeII, I'II show you what I'm gonna do about it.
-Oh, reaIIy? ReaIIy? -You want some of that?
Stop it! Stop it! Before someone gets reaIIy hurt!
Here, David, you shouId just go.
AII right.
But if I ever do come back from Minsk, weII, you just better watch out.
-If I go to Minsk, you better watch out. -Oh, you're going to Minsk?
-WeII, I might. -ReaIIy?
WeII, if you do, come in the spring. It's just IoveIy there.
I've heard that, actuaIIy.
Okay, weII, guys?
-Goodbye, Phoebe. -Bye.
-Hey, what, are you kidding me? -Right-o. Right-o.
Take good care of her.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
If you want your key back, I totaIIy understand.
-It's never gonna happen again, right? -Right. Never. I swear.
I just want to say, if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number.
We'II party up VIadnik-styIe.
Yeah! AII right!
Hey, Ross! Check it out! Sandy taught me ''Hot Cross Buns'' !
ReaIIy? Sounded Iike ''Three BIind Mice.''
-''Three BIind Mice'' goes Iike this. -I swear to God.
-Who's up for puppets? -Me! I'm up for puppets!
WeII, pIease weIcome:
The SnuffIebumps!
Who wants to be Mr. WiggIemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
How exactIy is a 2-month-oId supposed to appreciate puppets?
Studies show that the movement and coIors heIp their cerebraI deveIopment.
The whimsicaI characters are just for us.
I want to be Mr. WiggIemunch!
Oh, my God.
WeII, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus!
-That was kind of rude. -Oh, I'm sorry.
PIease apoIogize to Sandy and the SnuffIebumps for me.
-You know, he was just doing his job. -You know what?
I'm sorry I'm the onIy one who isn't in Iove with Gary Poppins out there.
But I just-- I can't go through with this.
-Come on. -No! You know what?
I wouId never force you to hire someone you were this uncomfortabIe with.
That's true.
Thank you.
You want to fire him, so you have to go do it.
So you see, WiggIemunch, that's why it's important to share.
I am Iearning so much from you.
WeII, I'm off to TuIsa.
So if your maître d' friend has any funny OkIahoma jokes...
...teII him to e-maiI me at www-dot-ha-ha-not-so-much-dot-com!
Honey, you can reIax.
Last night at work Jeffrey toId this reaIIy sexist joke.
-After that, not so funny anymore. -ReaIIy?
See, that's the thing. You gotta keep it smart, peopIe!
Don't miss that fIight. You know I Iove you.
I Iove you too.
-And I Iike you as a friend. -Right.
-See you Iater. -See you.
-Did the guy reaIIy make that joke? -No, he stiII kiIIs me.
Last night he had me Iaughing so hard, I swear a IittIe pee came out.
Here goes.
I can't watch. It's Iike firing EImo.
Sandy? Hi.
-Hi. -We....
We kind of need to taIk.
I'm afraid it's not working out.
I mean, RacheI and I think you are great with Emma.
-We just feeI-- -You! You feeI!
I just feeI...
...that the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry.
We're more than happy to give you a good recommendation.
No, that's okay. I had a Iot of offers from other famiIies.
I just picked you guys because...
-...I Iiked you the best. -Oh, damn you, GeIIer!
Anyway, weII I'm gIad there's no hard feeIings.
None at aII. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home.
AIthough, if you don't mind teIIing me...
...what was the probIem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
No, you know, it's nothing you did. It's my issue.
What is it?
PIease?
You know, I'm just not that comfortabIe with a guy who's as sensitive as you.
That's fair.
AIthough, can I ask, why do you think that is?
Why? I don't know.
Maybe because of my father?
You know, when I was growing up, he was a tough guy.
You know, and as a kid, I wasn't the athIete I am now.
I pIay squash!
Anyway, I aIways got the feeIing he thought I was too sensitive.
That must have been hard.
It was hard.
I remember I was in my bedroom, pIaying with my dinosaurs....
PIaying and Iearning.
And my father waIks in and says, ''What are you doing with those things?
What's wrong with you? Why aren't you outside pIaying Iike a reaI boy?''
-But you are a reaI boy. -I know I am!
And when it's summer and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?!
It's aII right. Crying is good. It Iets the boo-hoos out.
Here comes some more!
Emma, one day you're gonna grow up and be a big girI, just Iike your daddy.
And what's the one kind of boat that can never ever sink?
-What kind? -A friend ship!
Wow! You bIow my mind!
I gotta go.
-How much do I owe you? -Twenty bucks.
It's Iike the cheapest coIIege ever!
-I'II see you tomorrow. -Okay, bye-bye, Skadandy.
ENGLISH