Hey, Ross.
l'm so glad someone's here. Could you zip me up?
-Sure. -Thank you.
Can you believe no one between my apartment and here...
...offered to do that for me?
People.
So why are you so dressed up?
Mike's picking me up for a date.
How's that going? ls it getting serious?
l don't know. l don't know. l mean, l like him.
But am l ready to take my Grade A loins off the meat market?
l'm not quite sure.
You know, l really admire your whole dating attitude.
lt's so healthy. l'm always like, ''ls this moving too fast?
ls this moving too slow? Where's this going?''
l know. You are a bit of a drama queen.
You're so much better off. You just go from guy to guy having fun...
...and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
l wouldn't say ''never.''
You know, there is that guy.
Okay, well, what about...?
Okay, there's gotta be someone.
-There isn't! That's what l'm saying. -Oh, my God, you're right!
l know. And yet, here you are, all ready for the next date.
l can't believe l never realized this before.
l'm in my 30s, and l've never been in a long-term relationship.
Oh, my God, what's wrong with me?
There's nothing wrong with you.
l mean, you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married.
l want to get married!
No, please-- Please don't cry because of me.
l don't know what l'm talking about, okay? l've been divorced three times.
At least you've been married.
Oh, my God! l want to trade lives with Ross?!
Phoebe.
-What's wrong? -Nothing. l'm excited about our date.
Mike, this is Ross Geller. Ross, this is Mike--
-Sorry, l didn't catch that. -Mike Hanigan.
-Ross Geller. -Hey.
So are you sure you're ready to go?
How do l look?
-Do you have a compact in your purse? -No.
You look great.
-Hey, Joey. -This girl won't turn around.
l can't tell if she's hot or not. What do you think?
Joey, l am not going to objectify women with you.
But if her face is as nice as her ass....
-Mama! -All right. Thanks.
-Have you talked to Chandler? -He has to stay in Tulsa this weekend.
-How come? -l don't know. He has to work.
There's some big rush on the....
Damn it. l'm gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Why don't you fly out there and surprise him?
l'd love to. l really miss him.
But l can't. l have one day off and it's just too expensive.
lnteresting. So Chandler's not worth the price of a plane ticket to you.
Of course he is.
Maybe l will go.
We'll have a little second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
You should bring your black see-through teddy with the attached garters.
-How do you know l have one of those? -Didn't until just now.
Hot. Not hot.
Hot!
Excuse me?
l said that l think you're hot.
And...now l'm embarrassed.
l thought you said ''hi.''
That would've been better.
l'll try that. Hi, l'm Joey.
l'm Hayley.
Look, l don't normally ask out women that l meet in coffeehouses.
Gesundheit.
But....
This is hard. l'm kind of shy.
Seriously, you should see someone about that cold.
lf it gets much worse, you could die.
-Anyway-- -l would love to go out with you.
Really? Great.
Did l--? Did l actually ask you?
That's just where you were going. l figured l'd help you out.
You don't seem like the kind of guy who does this a lot?
Damn it, Gunther, you gave it to me.
Oh, it's you.
With vegetarian corndogs.
Come on, l just want to talk to you.
About what? How few ova l have left?
Come on, l just wanna apologize for what happened yesterday.
l'm sorry, Phoebe.
That's okay, Ross.
-So how'd the date go? -Well, it was awful.
l barely got through dinner.
Every time l thought about what you said, l cried.
l'm pretty sure he spent most of the night just staring at me in horror.
But l couldn't know for sure because my eyes were swollen shut.
You know l wasn't trying to make you cry.
l was really trying to say something nice.
l was basically saying even though you've never been in a serious relationship--
-Are we gonna do this again? -Sorry.
-So he hasn't called? -Would you call this girl:
''Thanks for...a lovely...evening''?
Now l feel terrible. This is all my fault.
You know what you should feel terrible about?
This could have been my serious guy.
He was sweet and smart and funny.
You know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
We are a rare breed.
Hey, maybe that's him.
Hello?
Could you hold on one sec?
-l need some privacy. -ls it Mike?
No, it's a heavy breather. l'll take what l can get.
l'm listening.
What a great dinner.
Thanks again for letting me have that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
You're welcome again. l'm gonna go make some coffee.
-Can l get you anything? -Do you have any cake?
So this is going pretty good.
Dinner was nice. We've got a lot in common.
Victoria's Secret.
We even like the same books.
There's a scary painting.
Wait a minute.
I think I've been scared by that painting before.
You know what? This whole place looks familiar.
I have definitely been in this apartment.
I know I've seen this weird plant before.
It did that the last time!
Oh, my God. I've gone out with this girl before.
Yeah! We had sex on this couch!
And then on that chair, and-- No.
No, we didn't do it here...
...which is weird, because it seems like a perfectly good place.
That's why.
Hey, Mike. Sorry to just drop by like this. Can l come in?
Sure.
Who are you?
l'm Ross. Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse?
l really, really need to talk to you about something.
Unless....
You're not gonna try and get me to join a cult, are you?
No, it's just, you know, you have that look.
Damn Supercuts!
-Well, what's up? ls Phoebe okay? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
Phoebe is great. But....
l'm an idiot, okay?
Right before you guys went out...
...l accidentally got her all upset.
That's why she was weird.
Yes. Yeah, l....
Yeah, l said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship.
But you should know, she is so much fun. A wonderful person.
-Please, don't blow her off. -l'm not gonna blow her off.
l just spoke to her. We're going out tomorrow night.
l mean, l hope that's okay with you, stranger from the coffeehouse.
That's great. So the crying didn't turn you off?
l just got out of a nine-year relationship with a manic-depressive.
Compared to that, Phoebe's a Mousketeer.
Well, then, l didn't need to bother you.
You or the four other Mike Hanigans l bothered.
One of whom was quite large and a little flirty.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. ls that true what you said?
Phoebe's never had a serious relationship?
Of course she has.
lf she's never had a serious relationship...
...do you think l'd go around broadcasting it...
...like some kind of unstoppable moron?
-But you did say it. -Yes. Yes, l did.
And l will also say...
...what l'm about to say...
...vis-à-vis...
...the following.
Phoebe has never had a serious relationship...
...since...
...her super-serious relationship...
...with...
...Vikram.
-Vikram? -What? That's a real name.
Stop it!
Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas?
Seven o'clock.
Maybe l'll hit the gym.
Who am l kidding? Pay-per-view porn.
-Do not disturb! Do not disturb! -Surprise!
-Monica? -ls everything all right?
Yeah, everything's great. l was just...
...watching some regular television there.
What a pleasant surprise.
-l'm gonna go freshen up, okay? -Okay, honey.
That was close.
-Hello. -Hey, Rach, it's me.
Okay, l just got to Chandler's room, and l caught him...
...molesting himself.
That couldn't have been pretty.
But you know, guys do that.
Well, the weird part is...
...he was getting off... to a shark-attack show!
-No! -Yes! Chandler watches shark porn!
-While watching sharks? -Yeah.
Are you sure that's what he was doing?
You know how many times l've seen him jump up like that?
Believe me, l know what he was doing.
Man! Sharks!
l always knew there was something weird about that dude.
You promised to love him no matter what.
''What'' means, like, if he gets a disease or kills someone.
Not if he gets his jollies to Jaws.
You know what, honey? Guys are just different.
They like things that we can't understand.
l once dated this guy who wanted to pretend...
...that he was an archeologist, and l was this...
...naughty cavewoman who he unfroze from a block of ice.
Are you talking about my brother?
l didn't disguise that very well, did l?
-Hey. -Hi.
l went out with this girl last night. Halfway through our date l realized...
...l already slept with her.
You've slept with all the women in N.Y., and now you're going around again?
That's not even the weird part.
-She didn't remember sleeping with me! -You don't remember sleeping with her.
But she should remember sleeping with me. l am very memorable!
-You guys know. -How do we know?
-We've never slept with you. -And whose fault is that?
What's the big deal? You forgot, she forgot.
-Maybe you were having an off night. -Hey!
l never have an off night. Okay?
Although, sometimes if l'm a little bloated, l don't feel that sexy.
But even then, l'm better than most!
Honey, why don't you just let it go and ask her out again?
You're both so slutty, you don't remember who you slept with.
You're made for each other.
lnteresting.
Well, l'll go out with her again and l'll try to get past it.
No salt! Bloaty!
-Joey? -What?
You don't think sharks are sexy, do you?
No.
Wait a minute. Wait, what was the Little Mermaid?
lt's open!
-Hey. -Mike called! We're going out again!
Quick thing. l went to talk to Mike.
What?
What did you--? What did you do, Ross?
Oh, boy. You got mad at that part.
l went over there, you know, to tell him how....
How great you are. But....
Well, you know me. Blah-blah-blah.
-And l ended up telling him that.... -What?
You had a six-year-long relationship...
...with a guy named Vikram.
What? Why?
Well, he seemed...
...to bum hard when l told him you'd never been in a serious relationship.
lf you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend...
...l swear to Lucifer...
...a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!
l think you'll feel differently when you know...
...a little bit about Vikram.
Okay, he's a....
He's a kite designer.
And he used to date Oprah.
l'm not going along with some lie you made up, Ross.
-l'm just gonna be honest with him. -Good.
Just be honest with him.
-l have nothing to be ashamed of. -No.
So l haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month.
Okay? l haven't had a real boyfriend.
lf he can't handle it, then he can leave. Which he will.
And, you know, that's okay. So l'll just be alone forever.
You know, all right. lt'll be fine. lt'll be fine.
l'll go on walking tours with widows and lesbians.
-l'll get it. -Okay.
l'm trying to remember the last time l opened a door and you weren't there.
Phoebe, are you okay?
Yeah. There's just....
There's something you should know.
Vikram just called.
So it was really a shock after 25 years of marriage...
...my parents getting divorced. l took it the hardest...
-...because l was the youngest. -Sure. Yeah.
How can you not remember me?
What?
How could you not remember that we slept together?
-What? When? -l don't know!
l really, really think l would remember sleeping with you.
Come on, come on. Search your brain, all right? lt was...
...a certain amount of time ago. l was here. You were here.
We had sex here, here, here....
Not there.
-Anything? -No, it's not ringing any bells.
My God, woman!
How many people have you been with not to remember this?
Hey, Hayley. We really gotta fix that doorknob.
Joey?
l slept with you!
And you obviously remember me! Hey, l still got it!
So we're good.
l'll let myself out.
And l said, ''Okay, Vikram...
...you can't just call every time you get lonely.
You gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.''
Rachel? l thought she just had a baby with Ross.
Yeah, well....
Yeah.
But Emma's birth certificate might say ''Geller'' ...
...but her eyes say ''Mukherjee.''
That is so wrong. And on top of that, he's a glue sniffer?
l know. But he calls, and my heart goes to him.
You know, that bastard is one smooth-talking freelance kite designer.
lf you want, l'll mess him up for you.
You would do that?
Unless he's big. lf he's really big, l'll send him...
...a rude letter.
l think there's somebody better out there for you.
l mean, you know, l'm-- l'm not saying me, but....
Maybe...me.
And you don't have to worry about glue-sniffing with me.
Although, l do smell the occasional Magic Marker.
Yeah. Anyway, l just....
l think l can make you happy.
-Okay, l can't do this. -What's wrong?
Well, there is no Vikram. Ross made him up.
Because l....
l really never have been in a long-term relationship.
l've never lived with a guy. l've never even celebrated an anniversary.
So....
lf that's too weird for you...
...and you want to leave, l understand.
ln fact, l'll close my eyes to make it less awkward.
You kissed me.
-You don't think l'm a total freak? -No.
Well....
Look, can l...?
Can l think you're a little weird and also cool...
...for telling me the truth and also want to kiss you?
l guess so.
Can l think it's cool that you kissed me...
...and also want to kiss you again?
And be a little concerned about the Magic Markers?
Definitely.
This is Vikram.
I need to talk to you about the long-term relationship we had.
Call me. I am in my kite-making studio.
Hi, honey, l'm home.
Hi.
-How was your flight? -lt was great.
l ordered a pool float from the Sky Mall.
Why'd l do that?
Why don't you sit down.
Get yourself comfortable.
Because l have a little...
...surprise for you.
Well, well, well. lt must be 5:00 in Tulsa...
...because it's ''sex o'clock'' in N.Y.C.!
Okay. This is how much l love you.
The great white....
Honey?
Why am l watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
ls this--? ls this not the good part?
Do you want me to fast-forward to something...toothier?
No, l'm just not sure that you got the right movie, that's all.
This is the only one they had at our video store.
Though they did have something called Crocodile Killers.
Or does it always have to be sharks?
Does what always have to be sharks?
Look, we can do something else.
Do you want me to get into the tub and...thrash?
-What's going on? -lt's okay. lt's okay.
l still love you.
-Let me be a part of this. -Let me be a part of this!
l saw what you were doing in Tulsa.
Angry sharks turn you on!
No, they don't.
Then why were you watching them and giving yourself a treat?
Oh, my God! When you came in, l switched the channel.
l was just watching regular porn.
Really?
Yes. Just some good, old-fashioned, American, girl-on-girl action.
Can l tell you how happy that makes me?
You are an amazing wife.
Really, you are amazing. You were actually gonna do this for me?
Where do you find the strength and the understanding for that?
l'm very, very drunk right now.
Ordinarily, l would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken.
Did l sleep with her? Did l not sleep with her?
Maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about your whole dating attitude.
You're in your 30s and you have never been in a long-term relationship.
Here you go from woman to woman...
...meaningless experience to meaningless experience.
Never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious.
You're right. l love my life!
l actually did sleep with her.
[ENGLlSH]