Hi. So I'm doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle...
...and guess who is the clue for three down?
"Days of Our Lives star, blank Tribbiani."
That's me! I'm blank!
How cool! We know three down. I'm touching three down.
Yeah, you are, baby.
Three down knows I'm married. What's three down doing?
Do they call to tell you you're in it?
No. They wanted to do a profile on me. I said no.
Why'd you say no?
Remember the last interview I did?
I said I write my own lines, the writers got mad...
...and I fell down an elevator shaft. Who knows what I'd say now?
If only there was something in your head to control what you say.
Come on, you'll keep it in check this time.
The publicity would be good for you. You deserve that.
In the interview, you could mention, I don't know, "gal pal Rachel Green."
Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?
- Okay, don't listen to him. Please? - Fine, all right, I'll do it.
You have to be there to stop me if I say something stupid.
Just then, or all the time? Because we have jobs, you know?
We'll be there the whole time. Just remember:
Gal pal, Rachel Green.
I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest! And not just in the dumb crossword.
Seriously, proud of you.
The One With Joeys Interview
- Thanks for taking the time for this. - Not at all. Happy to do it.
You think we're being obvious?
No. We're just four people with neck problems, who talk like this.
It's great that we met here.
When people hear the magazine's paying, they want a big, fancy restaurant.
Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying.
Wouldn't have mattered. I do this for the fans, not the free food.
- Can I get you anything? - Coffee.
And I'll have all the muffins.
- Hey. - We're not talking.
Oh, finally.
According to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work.
Anything that you're particularly proud of?
All you want is a dingle
What you envy's a shwang
A thing through which you can tinkle
Or play with, or simply let hang
This ever happen? You want a glass of milk...
...but these darn cartons are so hard to open!
Boy, you said it, Mike.
- There's gotta be a better way! - There is, Kevin!
This is the first time he's ever used this. It's easy.
- This works in any milk carton. - It is easy.
Now I can have milk every day.
So this is it, Victor?
Yeah, I guess it is. And so...
...I'm gonna get on this spaceship...
...and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels.
But when I return 200 years from now, you'll be long gone.
But I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great-great- granddaughter to look me up.
Because, Adrian...
...baby...
...I'm gonna want to meet her.
Here I come. I'm coming to fix the copier.
I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking, "What do I do?"
So I just watch them have sex. And then I say... Wait, here's my line:
You know, that's bad for the paper tray.
- Nice work, my friend. - Wait, you see me again.
Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me.
There I am. There I am. There I am.
There are so many things, it's hard to pick just one.
I'm getting coffee. Want anything?
- A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea. - Double latte.
- A bagel with only... - I was just being polite.
How about when you're not working? What do you do in your spare time?
Look at this clown. He thinks he can take up the whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing out here? The coast is way over there!
This is unbelievable.
Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes.
Dude, are you trying to kill me?
Well, I see you've had a very productive day.
- Isn't the cowboy hat a little much? - Come on, it's fun!
All right.
Isn't this a woman's hat?
Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea.
We have to turn off the porn.
I think you're right.
- All right, ready? - One.
- Two, three. - Three.
That's kind of nice.
- It's kind of a relief. - Yeah.
- You wanna see if we still have it? - Yeah.
Free porn! We have free porn here!
In my spare time, I read to the blind.
And I'm also a mento for kids.
- A mento? - You know, a mento. A role model.
- A mento? - Right.
- Like the candy? - As a matter of fact, I do.
Our readers always want to know how soap stars stay in such great shape.
Do you have a fitness regime?
We stars usually just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.
You know we've thrown this without dropping it for an hour?
Are you serious?
I realized it a half-hour ago, but I didn't want to jinx it.
- Wow, we are pretty good at this. - Yeah.
Hey, we totally forgot about lunch.
That's the first time I've ever missed a meal.
My pants are a little loose.
What's wrong with you?
I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights.
And then I passed out.
I haven't been able to stand up since. But I don't think it's serious.
Sounds like a hernia. Go to the doctor.
No way!
If I go to the doctor, it's for this thing sticking out of my stomach!
Why'd I have to start working out again?
Damn you, fifteens!
- What is it? - A trifle. It has layers.
A layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam.
Then custard, which I made from scratch.
Raspberries, more ladyfingers, beef sautéed with peas and onions.
Then a little bit more custard.
It tastes like feet.
I like it.
- Are you kidding? - What's not to like? Custard, good.
Jam, good. Meat, good!
Well, you don't look good, Joe.
Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.
Cold cuts, ice cream, limes.
Hey, what was in that brown jar?
- That's still in there? - Not anymore.
This piece doesn't have floor on it.
- Stick to your side. - Hey, come on, now.
All right, what are we having?
I don't believe in these crazy diets. Just everything in moderation.
Your muffins.
I'll take those to go.
For the kids.
I know what I wanted to ask.
They killed you off years ago. What happened there?
I said some stuff in an interview I shouldn't have said.
- But that is not gonna happen today. - Understood.
- So, what'd you say back then? - I said that I...
- Hey, Joey! - How you doing?
This is Shelly. She's interviewing me. Shelly, these are my friends.
Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green. If you want the dirt, come to me.
This might be Joey's baby, who knows?
I'm just kidding. Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.
Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
I'm gonna go get this warmed up.
- You're doing great. - So far, nothing stupid.
- Mento? - No, thanks.
As Joey's friends, is there anything our readers should know?
No, just that he is a great guy.
That'll get you into Soap Opera Digest.
Well, I...
I'd like to say that Joey...
...truly has enriched the days of our lives.
I think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
- I like that. What's your name? - Phoebe Buffay.
- How do you spell that? - It's P as in Phoebe. H as in Heebie.
O as in Obie. E as in Ebie.
B as in Beebee. And E as in, "'ello there, mate!"
Great. It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too. - Thanks.
It seems you have a lot of friends. Who is your best friend?
How come you have two?
Well, this one's for you.
- Get out! - No, I can't.
I know how much this means to you. This isn't just about jewelry.
It's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds.
Is this friendship? I think so!
Check it out! We're bracelet buddies!
That's what they'll call us!
- I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't worry about it.
That's gonna leave a stain.
Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.
- Really? - Yeah, look.
- I've never lived like this before. - I know!
Well, don't waste it. I mean, it's still food. Jeez!
I feel guilty. I wanna be a good friend...
...and damn it, I am a good friend. So shut up and close your eyes.
You are a good friend.
The audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths.
And they're off!
Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!
Judge rules: No violation.
- The duck gets the Nutter Butter! - No! That's just an old won ton.
Judge rules: Nutter Butter!
Tough call.
- I saw it on the Discovery Channel. - Wait a minute. I saw that!
Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you...
You peed on yourself?
You can't say that! You don't know!
I thought I'd pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way.
So...
That's right, I stepped up!
She's my friend and she needed help!
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!
Nope. No best friend.
Just a lot of close friends.
So now back to the show.
How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
Really? Me?
Wow, I don't even know any huge gay people.
It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
Now, off the record, you're not...
What? Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first, it just looked good, but it's practical.
It's got compartments for stuff: Your wallet, your keys.
Your makeup.
Should I climb down your front so we're face to face...
...or should I climb down your back so we're butt to face?
- I think face is best. - Yeah, face.
- Okay, here I come. - All right.
Oh, my... How much do you weigh, Ross?
I prefer not to answer that. I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
When we said "face to face," we didn't think it all the way through!
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Check it out.
How much of a man am I?
Nice. Manly and also kind of a slut.
You're turning into a woman.
No, I'm not! Why would you say that? That's just mean!
Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Not what you said, it's just the way you said it.
Oh, my God! I'm a woman!
- Great nap. - It really was.
Me? Gay? No. No. No.
But I have a number of close friends who are.
So let's talk about women.
I'm sure our female readers are interested in your romantic life.
What I do is, I look a woman up and down and I say:
"Hey. How you doing?"
Oh, please.
Hey. How you doing?
He has an amazing Porsche under there.
I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
Would you two girls like to go for a drink?
- Is Rachel here? I'm her sister. - Oh, my God! Jill!
- Oh, my God! Rachel! - Oh, hi!
- Oh, my God! Introduce us! - Well, this is Chandler.
You know Monica and Ross. That's Phoebe. That's Joey.
- Hey, how you doing? - Don't!
You're a really nice guy. I'm happy to be your roommate and friend.
I'm just... You know, I just don't feel that way about you.
I see what happened.
It's because I was trying to repel you. Right?
Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
- I don't think so. - Oh, I do.
How you doing?
I'm okay.
What? Oh, dear God!
Not much to tell there. I'm really shy.
So that's it. I guess that's all I need.
Thank you so much. I think they'll run this next month.
Oh, great. Great. Thank you.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
- I did it. - Amazing.
Wait, I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this:
Other than Days, what's your favorite soap opera?
Oh, I don't watch soap operas. Excuse me? I have a life, you know?
The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to learn that.
Good enough.
So close.
They didn't put in the part about you not watching soaps.
I called the lady and said I was joking. She was nice about it.
- You slept with her, didn't you? - A little bit.
This picture of you is steamy.
That's just a little something for my huge gay fan base.
- Did you just wink at me? - You're the one who loves the picture.