-Oh! Hey, Rach! -Hi.
-Happy Valentine's Day! -You too!
How's living at Ross'?
It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long.
Something really boring happened to someone ugly in the Middle Ages.
Oh, thank you. I'll see you guys later.
That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this.
Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
Thanks. Maybe later.
-Gunther, can I get a scone? -Want anything?
I want a lot of things.
I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day.
I want her to love me back.
And I want relief from the wrenching pain of knowing that won't happen!
We have red bagels.
Okay.
So how do you guys like living together so far?
-Oh, it's been good. -Yeah.
Except Ross is more uptight about crumbs than you are.
There was a drumstick in the couch.
And I am not uptight about crumbs.
It's just that, you know..
crumbs attract mice. And mice leave droppings.
And that's how the plague started.
So you wanna relive that again..
Mice didn't start the plague.
Rats did.
Rattus norvegicus, to be exact.
Oh, good God, Ross.
Nick at Nite, once in a while.
All right, I'm going. Bye.
Phoebe, will you wait here?
-I wanna get your opinion on something. -Yeah.
How does Mona feel about Rachel moving in?
I'm on my way to tell her.
She's been away all week, but she'll be cool.
She's been so supportive.
She even got the baby a T-shirt that says "Fossils are my friends."
Come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.
So I'm gonna take off.
Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! Rachel wanted to see this tape.
-What is it? -My friend giving birth.
Could you take it to your apartment?
"Candy and Cookie"?
Candy's the mom, Cookie's the daughter.
The father's name is also Cookie.
Why am I friends with these people?
Phoebe, come here.
I wanna show you something in the bathroom.
Monica, grow up.
-What's behind your back? -Something I want Phoebe's opinion on.
-You don't want my opinion? -Not really.
Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Okay, big brother.
Which one would make your best friend want to do your little sister?
The red one.
Hey.
I know you're depressed, so I brought someone to cheer you up.
Right outside is a real, live, furry playmate.
I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
Hey, a dog!
Who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
He's the happiest dog ever. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
So you can keep him till he cheers you up.
I borrow him myself from time to time..
when I get depressed thinking about..
world hunger, poverty..
Not to trivialize your pain.
Thanks so much, Pheebs. We are gonna have so much fun!
Oh, not that kind of fun.
Happy Valentine's!
I'm slipping into something a bit less comfortable and a bit more slutty.
"Candy and Cookie"?
"Candy and Cookie"?!
Monica got me porn?
Girl-on-girl porn?!
She really must love me!
-Yeah, just relax. -I love you, St. Valentine.
Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty.
Now push!
Oh, God, it hurts!
Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!
-Oh, make it stop! -I am trying!
Get the ball. Ready? Get the ball!
You're cute, but you're not too smart.
Did I just throw this?
-Hi. -Hi.
I accidentally packed these with my stuff.
-Who is this? -Phoebe's friend's dog.
I don't know his real name. I call him Mozzarella.
You are so cute. I wish I could play, but I've gotta go to work.
I hope I stop talking like this before my meeting. Yes, I do.
Bye-bye, Joey. Seriously, I can't stop it.
Come here! Hey!
That's Rachel. She used to live here.
Might as well be honest with you. We love her.
But we can't have her.
I really miss her.
Hey, you understand, right? You're a guy.
Well, you used to be.
So, what do you think?
I've still got it.
-Why did you get me this? -What is it?
It's yelling, bleeding, dilating.
Oh, the dilating!
Is this the video of the birth? It's Phoebe's. Why were you watching it?
I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
If you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine's Day..
you were right.
It's about a girl who moves to the city in search of stardom..
but ends up having sex with a lot of guys.
It got four stars.
Wait a minute. Those aren't stars.
-Anyway, you wanna take a look? -Well..
-I'm not really in a sexy mood. -Hey, what's going on?
Remember the first time you saw Jaws..
how long it took to go back in the water?
We can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
You gotta get past it.
Just get back on the horse.
Otherwise, the horse is gonna go into the bedroom and change into her sweatpants.
-Okay, you don't know. You didn't see it. -Childbirth is beautiful.
Oh, beautiful? Really?
You think this is beautiful?
Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
-See, honey, there's.. -Don't touch me!
-Hi! -Hey!
-How was Atlantic City? -Good.
I brought you back a present.
You didn't have to..
Saltwater taffy?!
Thanks.
Interestingly, it isn't made with seawater.
It's actually made with salted fresh water.
That's not interesting.
-I think it's interesting. -Me too. I missed you!
Me too.
-How was your week? -Good.
-The baby started kicking. -How exciting!
It was amazing. The only thing is, I wasn't there the first time.
-Oh, no. -I was missing out on all this stuff.
-Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. -Yeah, right.
-What? -Joey cracks me up.
"Have your ex-wife move in. That wouldn't be awkward."
Imagine, I go away for a few days..
and my boyfriend is living with a woman he got pregnant.
So, what'd you tell him?
You didn't tell Mona Rachel moved in?
She seemed to think it was such a crazy idea.
Plus, she got me taffy.
-Really? I've never had any. -Ever?
My mom was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Thank you.
Are you gonna tell her?
I will. I want to butter her up first.
I'm gonna take her to dinner, do all this romantic stuff.
When she thinks I'm the best boyfriend ever..
I'll tell her my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.
So where are..? What the crap is up with this stuff?
Is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?
So I just have to plan the perfect night.
Hey, what's the best date you ever had?
Last year, Greg Hayman took me to a very nice sushi dinner.
Then we took a romantic walk to a nearby research lab..
where we trashed the place and freed 20 monkeys.
I knew it! I knew I wasn't crazy!
Last year, a monkey did attack me at the bus stop!
So between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross..
it just isn't gonna happen.
It'd be like you falling in love with a cat.
-Hey. -Hey.
How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog?
You're subdued.
-Did you give him a beer? -No.
-Will you excuse us? We need to talk. -Sure.
Oh, me, right.
-He's miserable. What happened to him? -Nothing.
-We talked about stuff. -What stuff?
Rachel stuff.
Oh, Joey, you bummed him out! This is the happiest dog in the world.
He spends a day with you, and look!
He's breathing.
Okay, well, he's watching us so just look happy, okay?
-I'll take him to Wendy's. -He's fine.
Look.
Here's your ball!
Get your ball! Get your ball!
Get..
Of course.
You don't want a tennis ball.
Not when you can have a meatball.
Come on, get the meatball.
God, what have I done to you?
I broke the dog, Pheebs! I broke the dog!
Thanks.
I'm going to pick up Mona. What are you doing tonight?
Oh, I got big Valentine's plans.
I got my Chinese food on the way, and your saltwater taffy.
Interestingly, it isn't made with seawater..
We actually watched the documentary together.
Oh, my Chinese food. I'll get my cash.
Mona?
What are..? Hi! How are you?
I'm supposed to pick you up.
I made you a Valentine's dinner. Surprise!
-Oh! Hey, Mona! -Hi, Rachel.
What's she doing here?
I have no idea.
I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
What is she doing?
Lately she just likes hanging out here.
-Why? -I think she's lonely.
But it's Valentine's Day. Can't we ask her to go?
Well, no, she's way too emotional.
And by emotional, I mean crazy!
That's just my Chinese food.
She has food delivered here?
Yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.
I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
And you thought she was gonna be in our way!
Open the champagne, and I will be right back.
-I've got a surprise. -You got another ex-wife back there?
Please start drinking.
-I'm just gonna grab the phone. -Rachel, wait.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
-What are you doing? -Do you need the phone?
No.
Ross is too nice to say it, but this is his apartment.
We need boundaries, so why don't you go back to your place.
But, Mona, I live here.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Or, something to remember me by.
-How long has it been this time? -Ninety seconds.
Ninety seconds is a long time not to think about it.
Except all I did was think about it.
I know. It haunts me.
Till now, the worst thing I'd seen was my dad doing shots off the houseboy.
After this, I would gladly make that my screen saver.
We have to get past this. We'll pretend it never existed.
I could do that.
Now all we gotta do is get rid of this chair.
-Oh, thank God! -I know.
Come in!
Hi. I'm sorry to barge in on your Valentine.
I had to get away from the yelling. Mona's dumping Ross.
-Oh, my God. -Poor Ross.
We watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes.
You know that birthing tape you wanted to see?
It's here.
We should warn you before you watch it. Don't watch it.
You saw it? Is it scary?
It's ironic how footage of someone being born..
can make you want to kill yourself.
Honey, she may not have to watch it but she's going to have to do it.
Now I'm all freaked out. Will you watch it with me?
No, but I'll leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.
Monica, come on. You want to have kids.
I do.
But the stork is gonna bring mine.
Seriously, you're not gonna make me watch this alone.
She's right. Of course not.
Honey, get the tape.
This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape.
Oh, sure. But if you leave a drumstick under there and you're a bad roommate.
Here we go.
Okay.
Oh, my.
Come on, come on.
Why is that baby torturing that woman?
Why have I seen this thing three times?
It's beautiful.
-It's horrible! -I know, I know! I'm so sorry for you!
What do I do? I don't want to do this! How do I get out of it?
-You guys! You guys, look! -What? Did her ass explode?
No, the baby's out. Look.
Look at those little fingers and toes.
Look how happy the mom is now.
-Oh, Rach. -Screw you! You don't have to do it!
-Hey. -Hey!
-What's up? -Mona just dumped me.
Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
Lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend.
I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant.
I gave her a key to my apartment and then had the locks changed.
Then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me.
In a way, I judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.
That really sucks. Especially on Valentine's Day.
Wait a minute. What are you doing here?
Joey without a date on Valentine's Day?
What's going on, huh? Girl trouble?
-Sort of. -Really?
You don't have to seem so happy about it.
Maybe I can help.
Whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me.
You know, actually, once I got dumped during sex.
-So anyway, what is it? -Forget about it. It's no big deal.
-Come on, what is it? -It's nothing.
Hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
Okay. Sit down.
There's this woman that I like a lot.
But it can't happen.
She's not a Tribbiani?
No!
So is she someone from work?
Yes.
Well, does she like you?
Sometimes I think she could.
But I can't do anything about it.
Why not?
It's complicated.
She was with this other guy for a long time.
Someone from work too.
I could never do that to the guy. We're friends.
Wait, I thought you hated everyone at work.
No, no. I only say that..
so Chandler won't feel threatened because I'm his only friend.
Excuse me?
Sorry, sorry. And I'm your only friend too.
So this guy she used to go out with, is he still in love with her?
-No, I don't think so. -Okay.
Is he a good guy?
Yeah, he's the best.
-Then talk to him. -I don't know.
It's worth finding out, if you like her.
I do, so much.
I can't stop thinking about her. I can't sleep..
You know what? You have to go for it.
How often does this happen to you? You owe it to yourself.
Here's your warm milk.
I'm gonna put the bourbon in it at home.
Anyway, seriously, just talk to the guy, okay?
Let me know how it goes.
It's Rachel.
You're having a baby and you need to prepare.
You're gonna make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it!
I came to the big city to become a star.
-I'll do anything to make that happen. -Anything?
Maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.
I wonder which one of these guys becomes the father.
No, no. Can't get pregnant that way.