-Hey. -Hey. So, what do you think?
New haircut? Necklace? Dress?
Boots? Boots!
Now, they're a little more than I usually spend on boots. Or rent.
Did you say you bought "boots" or "boats"?
I know.
-I'll miss being able to afford food. -I'm sorry. They just looked so good.
The saleswoman was like:
-"These are too expensive for you." -She had a point.
-Hey. -Hi. Oh, my God.
-Oh, Monica, those boots are amazing. -They're mine!
-Too bad we're gonna have to return them. -Return them? They're gonna hear you.
I'm not returning them. I know they cost a lot, but I'll wear them all the time.
You'll see. Besides, I love the compliments.
Have you ever had something so beautiful, everyone wants it?
-I have you. -Nice try. I'm keeping the boots.
That's right. I love you.
And I'm gonna play with you all the time.
How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
-He's talking to the baby. -Oh! Okay.
Okay, because when he said, "I can't wait for your first words"..
I thought, "There's a trick."
Well, I gotta go, you guys. I'll see you later.
-Okay. Bye. -Bye.
Hey, listen. Can you do me a favor? My sister knows you work at Ralph Lauren..
Forget it. No way. I am not sending more Ralph Lauren clothes to prison.
-It is a waste. -No, not her.
My youngest sister, Dina, is interested in fashion.
She wants to talk to someone successful to give her some advice.
-I guess I could talk to my supervisors. -No, she wants to talk to you.
Really? Oh, my God. I'm successful.
-Okay, so would you meet with her? -Yes, I'd love to. Have her come by.
Great, thanks. You'll love her. She's the smartest of all the Tribbiani children.
-Yeah, you know the SATs? -Yeah.
She took them.
-Doesn't Ben go to Smithfield Day School? -Yeah. Why?
-Sting has a son that goes there too. -I know. He's in Ben's class.
You knew and never said anything? With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?
Fine, no more dinosaur stuff. Can I talk about fossils?
"Sting's son, 7 years old." And there's a picture.
What are you reading, "The Kidnapper's Guide to Manhattan Private Schools"?
It's New York Magazine. It's an article about the city's best schools.
-So how well do you know Sting? -I actually haven't even met him.
Yeah. That's too bad. I really wanna go to his concert Friday, but it's sold out.
I know! Why don't you meet him and get tickets.
If you get two, I'll take you.
I'm picking Ben up tomorrow. Maybe he'll be there.
There you go. You're so lucky. You might get to meet Sting tomorrow.
That's why you have kids.
-Hey, guys. -Hey.
Hi, Monica. Hi, boots.
See, Chandler? I'm getting a lot of use out of them already. They're very practical.
You can wear them with dresses, skirts, pants..
You wear them with shorts on the corner and earn the money to pay for them.
-Wow, they're beautiful. -They hurt so much.
-What? -The guy who made these..
hates feet and wants to see them die.
Give them to me. I haven't felt my feet in years.
I can't. I told Chandler I'd wear them all the time. I can't just give them away.
-Then get your money back and return them. -I can't do that either.
The soles are scuffed up, and the insides are filled with my blood.
-Hey. -Hey, I just picked up Ben from school.
I don't think you did a very thorough job.
I dropped him off at Carol's.
Anyway, it turns out I'm not gonna get those tickets, though.
Oh, no. Why not?
It turns out Ben and Sting's son do not get along.
-How come? -Apparently, Sting's son made fun..
of the fact that Ben's moms are "lesbenims."
Wait. If they don't get along, smooth things over. Make them be friends.
-You can't force kids to be friends. -Sure you can.
Give them some blocks. Put them in a playpen.
-Playpen? Ben's 7. -Your kid is 7?
He's really small.
-Please get the tickets. -I'm sorry. I just can't do it.
-Yes, you can. Sting says so himself. -What?
Look, I'm sorry..
Phoebe?
Here she is: future fashion superstar.
-Oh, Joey, I'm hardly.. -My little sister Dina.
-Hi, Dina. Nice to meet you. -Hi.
Thanks so much for meeting with me. Joey's told me so much about you.
This is so exciting for her.
-Ralph Lauren smiled at her in the elevator. -You sure it was at you?
Because he likes it sometimes when the buttons light up.
Well, I'll let you two "fashists" get down to business.
You, be good, learn a lot. And if she takes you to the freebie room, I need shirts..
but none with that creepy logo with the guy riding the dog, holding the bone.
Okay. All right, Dina.
Well, let's talk about the different areas of fashion..
that you could get involved in.
Let's see, there's design. But you may need a whole other degree for that.
-Sales is great. You get to travel. -I don't care about fashion.
I'm pregnant. And I know you are too, so you gotta help me.
Then there's marketing.
-What's wrong? -Nothing. I just was yawning.
-Don't forget, my office party's tonight. -That's tonight?
I forgot all about the "secret Santa" gift.
Do we like this?
We don't really have to go to this thing, do we?
I know that you don't like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots.
See? Every cloud has a supple leather lining.
-I don't wanna wear the boots tonight. -Why not?
I'm worried your bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money.
Or your assistant will see them and want a raise.
Do you think I work some kind of boot-pricing company?
I picked out this outfit I wanna wear, and the boots don't go with it.
You said those boots go with skirts, dresses and pants.
What are you planning on wearing, a chicken suit?
Fine. If you want me to, I'll wear the boots.
In fact, I'll go into my room right now and try the outfit on.
Christmas party in my boots!
I can't go in there. I can't tell him.
It's gonna be okay. He has been incredibly supportive of me.
And if he gets a little upset, that's what the meatball sub is for.
-Thank you. -Okay.
Hey! It's my fashion girls.
-What's wrong? -Why don't you sit down.
Dina has something that she wants to tell you.
What's going on? Is it Mom? Is she sick?
Is it Dad's heart?
Is that a sandwich?
-Mom and Dad are fine. -Is that a sandwich?!
Joey, there's something that you should know. Dina?
-I'm pregnant. -What?
Now. Give him the sandwich!
Obviously, this is a mistake. You can't be pregnant.
Because you have to have sex to get pregnant.
Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25, like you did.
What? Dina..
I can't believe this. You're the good one. You went to college! Both years!
Who did this to you?
Bobby Corso. But he's a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He's real funny.
You got pregnant for "funny"? Dina, if he's funny, laugh!
-I'll be back. Stay here! -Why? Where you going?
I can't look at you right now.
I know.
Oh, there you are, Ben.
You're Ben, right?
Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
I heard you're having a problem with one of the boys.
So I thought I'd come and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay.
Now, the boy's name is Sting's son.
Jack? I hate him. He's a jerk.
Sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside..
but they have famous fathers.
I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there.
Wow, your friend Doug looks a lot like Billy Joel.
-Is that who his father is? -No. His dad's a dentist.
Him, you're friends with.
-Excuse me, can I help you with something? -Yes. I'm looking for Jack's parents.
-Are you with one of the students? -I'm with Ben.
-Are you one of Ben's mothers? -I am one of Ben's mothers.
I'm a lesbian.
It was difficult coming out to my parents.
Well, hi. I'm Jenny Boon. I'm a new teacher here.
-I've only met your partner, Carol. -That would make me Susan.
Right. Are you looking for Jack's parents to discuss his problems with Ben?
I think the parents should sit down together and have a conversation.
Yeah, let's do that!
That sounds good.
We should sit down and talk. Me, my lover, Carol, and the Stings.
-How will I get in touch with them? -Their number's on the contact sheet.
Could I get a copy of that? Carol threw it out. She lost ours.
She's such a scatterbrain. But, man, what a hot piece of ass.
-You know, that party wasn't bad. -Yeah. I didn't know there'd be dancing.
That was a fun surprise.
-I don't see a cab. Maybe we should walk. -No, we can't walk.
No. Hey, there's a cab.
That's a police car.
Maybe we could commit a crime, have them pick us up.
-It's 15 blocks to the subway. Come on. -Okay.
Do you think we can get to the subway if we climb through that manhole?
-What's going on? -I can't walk, okay?
-These boots were a huge mistake. -What?
You were right. I never should have bought them. They're killing me, one toe at a time.
-So they're really tight, huh? -I just said you were right, sweetie.
Isn't it clear I'm delirious from the pain?
So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right.
It's oddly unsettling.
How are we gonna we get home? Maybe a piggyback ride?
I don't think me getting on your back is gonna improve matters.
Wow, being right sure doesn't help with the funny.
-Hop on. -Okay, wait.
Let me just get my boots off first.
Oh, God.
I know you're in pain right now, but I'm a little turned-on.
Do you ever worry that you'll be walking and your baby will just slip out?
What college was that, Dina?
Oh, my God. Bobby?
Hi, Dina. Good to see you.
-Joey, what are you doing? -Just what needs to be done.
-Dearly beloved, we're gathered here.. -This is crazy.
Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!
-Where were we? Do you take this man..? -No!
-You'll take him. -No, I won't!
-You don't get a say. -Yes, I do.
-I heard "I do." We're halfway there. You. -All right, Joey, that is enough!
As beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, this is not legal.
They don't have a marriage license or witnesses, and the groom only has one shoe.
Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
What am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to realize they are adults and that can make their own decisions.
No, they can't. They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
Contraceptives are not always effective. Right?
-Yeah. We kind of didn't use any. -Come on, kids, a little help here!
Wow! This place is incredible!
Sting's pen..
that he gave to Phoebe.
Come on, secret passageway.
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm Trudie. You must be Ben's mum.
-Why else would I be here? -Why don't you sit down.
I gather Jack and Ben haven't been getting along lately.
I'm sure there are two sides to this story.
But all I've heard is that Ben's a bit of a "poo-poo-head."
-I'm sorry, won't Jack's father be joining us? -No.
I see. You see, I think it would be better for the children..
if all the parents were here. Except for, you know, Ben's birth mother and father.
Well, I'm sorry. Jack's father's not available.
Okay. Well, then, could we reschedule for Friday night, perhaps at 8:00?
No, I know that wouldn't work. My husband's in concert.
Concert. Yeah. That does put us in quite a pickle.
I'm busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during.
So I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
Unless.. Unless..
Okay, I would be willing to go to the concert..
all the while thinking about the children.
-Are you here for tickets? -Thank you. Four would be great.
I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd use their son like this.
Then you're in luck. Ben's not my son.
Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm.
-Any minute now, the police will be here. -The Police? Here?
A reunion?
Okay, 10 blocks down. Five to go.
-Oh, wait! Stop, stop! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need a break?
My boots in tan! Can you get a little closer so I see the price?
I can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.
I'm sorry. I can walk the rest of the way now. Just give me my boots.
-I don't have your boots. -I don't have them either. Where are they?
Why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay?
Okay. My God, we gotta go back and get them!
Are you ever gonna wear the boots again?
Yes, I am. Okay? They're very practical.
-I could wear them with pants or skirts.. -Honey. Honey.
Okay, I'll never wear them again. I just didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
You know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
-Okay. All right. -Okay.
Bye, boots. Wait! Half off!
Just because they're not getting married doesn't mean it's a disaster.
-Maybe they have a plan. -Oh, okay, let's hear their plan.
Now, what's the future look like for Dina and Bobby?
Well..
I really have high hopes for my band.
-You were right. He is funny. -Now, wait a minute.
I bet when you told people you wanted to be an actor, they laughed at you.
Come on, Bobby, tell us a little bit about your band.
Well, it's just me and my pal Rooster. The band's name is Numbnuts.
Really?
If you're having a baby, you should be married.
Even if it is to Bobby. Dude, that's not a compliment.
-I knew you wouldn't be supportive. -So, what are you gonna do?
Have the baby and raise it by yourself? Without a husband?
You can't be a single mother alone! You're gonna ruin your life!
-Excuse me. Am I ruining my life? -No, it's different for you.
You're so strong. You're not some dumb kid who doesn't know what she's doing.
-Excuse me? -One pregnant woman at a time, please!
I just want you to be okay.
So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
Maybe.
Yeah. So, what kind of music does Numbnuts..?
Oh, forget it! I can't!
I am scared to death about this. But I think I can do it. I just need some help.
-Bobby's gonna be here the whole time. -You bet I am.
And to answer your earlier question, we're straight-up gangster rap.
Look, Rachel's told me how much easier you've made all this on her.
-Why can't you do that for me? -Because you're my baby sister!
And you're my big brother. You're my favorite guy in the whole world.
I'm not even scared to tell Mom and Dad. I was scared of telling you.
I'd be scared of them, but all right.
I can't stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me.
I want him to have his uncle.
Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
Of course he's gonna have his Uncle Joey.
We'll be all right. Even if we're not married, this baby will be so loved.
-And not just by us. -That's right.
By his uncle too.
And by you.
Bobby, why don't we come over here and let them have a little moment, okay?
Come here.
No, seriously, what's wrong with you?
Guess what.
We're good. We're good. We know each other.
So..
-anyway, guess what. -Oh, there's more?
You're gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!
Oh, my God, I do love you! How did you do it?
Well, let's just say:
-Where are the seats? -Middle balcony.
Would you say that's more than 50 yards away..
from Sting, his wife or a member of his family?
-Yeah. -Then that's not breaking the law. I'm there!