-Guys, guess what? -What?
We're having a Halloween party!
-Good! -Great!
-You have to wear a costume. -I can't make it.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'll be there. I have to wear a costume to my classes that day anyway.
Tell me you're not gonna dress like a dinosaur.
Not two years in a row.
-I'll come, but I'm not dressing up. -You have to.
No. Halloween is stupid. Dressing up, pretending to be someone you're not.
You're an actor.
Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
-I will. -The girl from the wedding?
If she needs costume ideas, she could be a bikini model..
or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader.
Or Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. No! Slutty Leatherface.
Wasn't Joey hitting on her too?
That's right, he was hitting on her.
And I got her. I guess the better man won.
Please don't take her from me.
Ursula!
Wait. It's me, Phoebe.
I thought there was a mirror there. Okay. Bye.
Wait a second!
So, what's new with you?
Nothing. I'm getting married next week.
What?
It'll be a small ceremony. Just family.
His.
Okay.
I'm happy for you.
Wait. If you want to come, I guess that'd be okay.
-Really? -Sure.
You could be my sister for the day.
Yeah, okay.
My friends are having a party tonight, so you could come.
Maybe I could meet the guy.
Well, I'm supposed to work tonight.
I'm supposed to be working now, so who cares!
-It's a costume party. -So that's why you're..
No.
But thanks.
-You're supposed to wear a costume. -I am.
I am a woman who spent money on a dress she wants to wear..
because soon she won't fit into it.
I'm Catwoman, who wants the dress when you're too big for it.
-Trick or treat! -Can I give out candy?
I want to be with kids. Since I got pregnant, I have maternal instincts.
-Trick or treat! -Just a minute!
Look at you guys!
-Wow! You are a very scary witch. -Thank you.
-And you are a very funny clown. -Thank you.
And you..
are so in style right now.
I work at Ralph Lauren. The fall line has got this equestrian theme.
-Did you see the cover of Vogue..? -Could I just have the candy?
Sure.
Catwoman. So we meet again.
So we do, Supergirl.
It's me, Phoebe.
Monica, can I talk to you for a second?
I appreciate the costume.
You did this to him?
I thought he'd love it.
-He loves The Velveteen Rabbit. -That rabbit was brown and white.
It was pink, or no bunny at all.
No bunny at all. Always no bunny at all!
-You didn't dress up either? -Yes, I did. I'm Chandler.
Dude, what happened?
How is that me?
I'm Chandler.
That is so you!
-When have I ever done that? -When have I ever done that?
Trick or treat.
-You're the prettiest ballerina ever. -Thank you.
That deserves another candy.
Thank you.
I have to say, that earns "two-two" pieces of candy.
I love you!
Honey, here, take it all.
Monica? We need more candy.
-There's only been four kids. -I know.
But one said she loved me, so I gave her everything.
No wonder you're pregnant.
-What are you supposed to be? -Remember the satellite, Sputnik?
Well, I'm a potato. Or a "spud"..
and these are my antenna.
So Sputnik becomes..?
Spud-nik!
Wow! I don't have the worst costume anymore.
All right! Ross came as doodie.
-No, I'm not doodie. -No, space-doodie.
Okay, I'm Spud-nik.
-You know, like Sputnik. -What's a Sputnik, doodie-man?
Hey, sweetie.
-Aren't you gonna kiss me? -Okay.
But right after, you have to tell me who you are.
-Ursula? -Ursula's fiance?
You're the sister. I just slapped my future sister-in-law's ass.
Is your mother here? I could slap her on the butt.
-My mother killed herself. -See, and I knew that.
Now I'm sweating.
I'm sweating. Now I'm saying look at me, I'm even sweatier. I should go.
No. We'll start over.
-Hi, I'm Phoebe. -Eric.
-Why are you looking at me like that? -Sweat's burning my eyes.
-Thank you. -There.
-What are you? -There's no name for it.
I get nervous, and I sweat like crazy.
-No, I meant your costume. -I'm a solar system.
My second graders helped.
-I love the second grade. -Really?
It's much better than first grade, and definitely better than third.
With all the politics and the mind games.
-So, what do you do? -I'm a masseuse, by day.
-You don't have to stand with me. -I'm having fun.
-I'm excited for you and Ursula. -I feel very lucky. She's great.
-She's the most beautiful woman ever. -Thank you.
-Hey, Joey? -Yeah?
-You read comic books, right? -Exclusively.
Who would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
-Catwoman, hands down. -Yeah.
Between you and Phoebe? I'd give Phoebe the edge.
-What? Really? -You kidding?
Phoebe lived on the street, okay? Plus, she's got a crazy temper.
She's not right behind me, is she?
No, you're fine.
-Could I take Rachel? -I'm not sure.
What? Come on, I am tough!
Punch me here, as hard as you can!
Relax. Why are you so serious? It doesn't matter.
Really? What if I told you Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
I would say, "Woman, please."
Ursula's fiance is really sweet.
-You think you could take him? -The dude with the balls on his chest?
I think so.
But what is he doing with my sister? He's so great.
He's a teacher, he does volunteer work.
Normally, I don't like sweaty guys. But I could just mop him up.
-Oh, my God, Phoebe? -What?
-You're getting a crush on him. -No, I'm not, you are!
Here comes the temper.
Trick or treat.
Know what? We're out of candy. But someone went for more.
And I've been giving out money, but I'm out of that too.
-Can I write you a check? -Okay.
-Okay. What's your name? -Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Okay, I'm just gonna write this out to "cash."
-Hi. -Hi, Mona.
Joey's gonna be thrilled. He was hoping you'd be a slutty nurse.
Actually, I'm just a nurse.
You'd think that would embarrass me, but I'm maxed out.
-You made it. -Wait.
-You're a potato? -Well, I'm a spud..?
-And the antenna.. You're Spud-nik! -Yes!
Marry her.
Here's a good one. Who'd win a fight between Ross and Chandler?
I can't answer that. Chandler's my husband.
-So Ross? -Yeah.
-Hey, beautiful. -Hello, handsome.
Oh, God.
Look at you two. When did you guys meet?
-Two weeks ago. -That's it?
I know. It sounds crazy, and I'm not impulsive, but..
-we have so much in common. -Oh, really?
We're both teachers.
-And we were both in the Peace Corps. -Peace Corps, really?
When we were building in Uruguay, we were two towns apart and never met.
Yeah. It wasn't a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left.
-Shall we get me really drunk? -Sure.
Howdy, doodie.
That's funny, yeah.
You're the funniest man here in a bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Relax, man. You're looking a little flushed.
-Our question might get answered. -What question?
Who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
-There's no question. -So you think Ross too?
-You picked Ross? -Ross is strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you. Except for Joey.
-I can't believe you didn't pick me. -She's right. I am stronger.
I would destroy you.
Really? You think you're stronger? Why don't you prove it?
I'll prove it like a theorem!
All right! Stop it!
Stop! No one's gonna fight.
People came to see a fight, let's give them one!
-You guys could arm-wrestle. -Listen to the slutty nurse.
-You're going down. -Oh, yeah? You're going downtown!
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Gunther, you brought candy. Thank you so much.
-You are so sweet. -Really?
You are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
-Got to go. -Trick or treat.
Hi! Wow! There you go.
My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
We were, but now we've got candy.
I'd rather have the money.
That's not your choice. Happy Halloween!
This isn't fair.
Is it fair that you put on a cape and get stuff?
Shut up!
You shut up!
-You can't tell me to shut up. -I think I just did.
And here it comes again. Shut up!
No, I got it. I'm good. I got it.
Wait, I had one more thing to say. Right. Shut up.
You're a mean old woman.
Wait! Shut.. Don't cry!
Let me get my checkbook!
You don't have to do this. The strength inside you means the most.
You're loyal, you're honest and you have integrity.
That's the strength I want in a man.
That means nothing to me. Come on!
-Hi, liar. -Hey.
He's marrying you because he thinks the things you were saying were true.
-They could be true. -But they're not.
It's a fine line.
-Why are you lying? -I don't know.
He did this stuff, I said I did it too. He got so excited, it was fun.
You can't do this. You're gonna ruin his life.
Why are you taking this so seriously? It's just a marriage.
Besides, if I cheat on him, I can call it an affair.
Honey?
It's a disgusting habit, and I want you to quit now!
She's helped so many people quit.
We'd better get going.
-You have a church group meeting. -Right.
-It was nice meeting you. -You too.
And, Ursula, it was really nice meeting you tonight!
Come on! Bunny versus doodie. We're waiting!
Okay, guys. One match, winner take all.
Wait. What does the winner get?
-Pride. -And dignity.
Okay, if you say so.
All right, ready, set, go!
-Come on! -Come on!
-Wow, they're both really strong. -Or equally weak.
Oh, God. Chandler's making his sex face.
-So you getting tired? -No. I could do this all day.
Yeah. Me too.
-Getting a little tired, though. -God, I'm exhausted.
This is starting to look bad for me, okay? Mona's standing right there.
She's talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Let me win. My wife thinks I'm a wimp.
At least you have a wife. I get divorces and knock people up.
And I'm dressed as doodie.
-You're Spud-nik. -Come on, who we kidding? I'm doodie.
Please? She's watching.
-Fine. -Thanks.
-Oh, no. -Oh, yeah!
My hero!
You're a weird lady.
Ursula said she left her purse.
What a relief. It has the numbers for her prayer chain.
I'm sure it does.
Guess I'll see you at the wedding.
I don't think I'm gonna make it to the wedding.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
And I also want to give you a little piece of advice..
that I give to everyone who's getting married.
Don't trust your wife.
I think we'll be okay.
It's so perfect, and she's been saving herself for me.
-I can't let you do this. She's lying. -What?
She is lying. And I bet I could prove it. Excuse me.
Okay. Yeah, not a prayer chain.
But what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan.
Here's the name tag from where she works as a waitress.
Not a teacher, a waitress.
Here, she always lies about this.
-How old did she say she was? -She told me she was 25.
I almost don't want to show you.
Just remember, I'm a minute younger.
I am so stupid.
Of course she's not a teacher.
There's no such thing as a "Top Secret School for the Children of Spies."
No, you're not stupid.
I'm not smart.
I just wanted so much to be impulsive for once.
-To be romantic. -Good.
You should be impulsive and romantic. You did it with the wrong person.
-What? -It's weird, two people look so alike.
And so different.
Eric! Let's go!
-Better go deal with it. -Yeah, you should.
Hurry up! I gotta pray!
I had to give the kid 50 bucks to stop crying.
That's not bad.
I also had to go to a few houses as his girlfriend.
I am awful with children.
You're good with kids. They're just crazy on Halloween.
They're all greedy, hopped up on sugar.
-That's all it is? -Absolutely.
Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas. And their birthdays.
They get crazy during the summer too.
And any time they're hungry or sleepy.
Kids are tough. Good luck with that.
Look, I'm sorry you lost.
I got a secret for you. I let him win.
Was that a secret, or a lie?
-No, I let him.. Ross? -Yeah?
Would you tell her I let you win, please?
Chandler "let me win."
No, Chandler's really strong. My arm is so sore. Oh, nurse?
I am strong. I'll show you.
Chandler, please.
What's the matter? Scared?
Let's go, big bunny!
One, two, three. Go!
I'm gonna kill myself!