I think I'II go with the chicken piccata instead of the Cornish game hen.
WiII there be a vegetarian option, you know, for me?
Yes. DefiniteIy.
What is it?
Dancing.
-Hey. -Hey.
I saw the Porsche parked out front.
Can I get the keys? Thought I'd take that bad boy for a spin.
Ross drives it? When I ask, you say you're the onIy one aIIowed to drive it.
He's my brother, pIus he drives so sIow he couId never hurt it.
It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship.
Just repIace the buIbs in the brake Iights after you're done.
-Hey. -Hi.
Saw the Porsche. Looking good. When can I take it out again?
-You Iet Joey drive it? -I've never driven it. Not once.
Okay, once. Okay, I drive it aII the time.
So much for the ''you-can-drive-it but-don't-teII-RacheI'' pIan.
Wow, I can't beIieve you Iied to me.
I can fix this. Monica, RacheI thinks aII you taIk about is the wedding.
There. I've bIown both your secrets. Now we're even.
I won't Iet you drive the Porsche because you're a terribIe driver.
There. That wasn't about the wedding.
If you want a ride in the Porsche, I'II take you around the bIock.
You got a coupIe hours?
The One With ChandIer's Dad
Whew, that was a brisk ride.
-Take the top down, did you? -OnIy way to fIy.
Give me the keys. Monica's wrong. I'm an exceIIent driver.
You're fast and irresponsibIe. That adds up to a bad driver.
In high schooI, that added up to head cheerIeader.
Did you see the Iook that girI just gave me?
She must've seen me cruising in the bad boy.
-She's checking out your beehive. -What?
-Give me a brush. -The keys.
-No way! -WeII, no brush.
Fine. It doesn't matter.
If I remember correctIy, there's a comb on the fIoor of the bathroom.
AIimony.
We stiII haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Oh, right. Maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.
Why not?
An invitation? That's Iike aImost asking him to come.
He's your father. He shouId be at our wedding.
I was gonna send him an invite but then I saw the stamp.
It was one of those MariIyn Monroe stamps and I thought:
My dad has that dress.
Wow. That must be a very different view when he stands over an air vent.
You shouId see him singing ''Happy Birthday, Mr. President.''
We have to invite him.
I don't even know the man. I haven't seen him in years.
And when he finds out he wasn't asked?
We don't run in the same circIes.
I hang out with you guys and he...
...stars in a drag show in Vegas.
I think I want to trade circIes.
You don't want him there. Nobody wiII stare at the bride...
...when the father of the groom is wearing a backIess dress.
So what? As Iong as he's not wearing a white dress and veiI, I don't care.
I think I need to do some shopping.
Nice.
My God!
-What do you think you're doing? -Just washing the windshieId.
There's no way I'II Iet you drive this car.
-CouIdn't find the comb? -No.
Why don't you just hand over the keys.
Oh!
Do not start this car.
Okay, okay. I wiII give you 20 bucks...
...if you get out of this car right now. Hey!
Look.
If you're so freaked out, just get in the car.
With you? Yeah, right.
AII right.
Okay, okay, okay.
-What are you doing? Get in the front. -In the death seat?!
-Hey, guys. -Hi, sweetie.
-Ready to go? -My purse is at Monica's. I'II be back.
-Wait a minute. -What? Oh.
That one kept going.
So, you and Phoebe, huh?
-How Iong have you been going out? -Over a month.
We ought to get to know each other better.
-Sure. I'd Iike that. -Yeah. So, uh....
What's your name?
-It's Jake. -Joey.
-Do you Iike the Knicks? -Yeah, big fan.
Me too. There's a game on Tuesday. Do you want to go?
Great! Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
Here.
-What's this? -Your suitcase. We're going to Vegas.
Are you serious? EIoping? No more stupid wedding stuff.
No more these fIowers, these fIowers. Think of the money we'II save.
We're not eIoping. I Iove the fIowers. Can our wedding be bigger, pIease?
We're going to see your dad.
I want to get to know my father-in-Iaw.
We aIready went over this and I won.
No, you didn't. Honey, just so you know....
Now that you're marrying me, you don't get to win anymore.
Forget it. I don't want to go. I don't want to see him.
I know your dad embarrassed you.
AII kids are embarrassed by their parents.
You'd have to come up with a new word for what I went through.
In high schooI, he came to aII my swim meets...
...dressed as a different HoIIywood starIet.
It's hard enough to be 1 4.
You're skinny, you're wearing Speedos that your mom promised you'd grow into.
You Iook up in the stands. There's your dad cheering you on.
Dressed as Carmen Miranda, wearing a headdress with reaI fruit...
...that he wiII Iater hand out to your friends as a heaIthy snack.
But he was there!
My dad didn't come to one of my Brownie meetings.
You were a Brownie?
No. I ate them.
The point is, he was at every one of your swim meets, cheering you on.
That's a pretty great dad.
He had sex with Mr. GaribaIdi.
-Who's Mr. GaribaIdi? -Does it matter?!
You're not 1 4 anymore, okay? Maybe it's time you Iet that stuff go.
If he's not at your wedding, you'II regret it for the rest of your Iife.
Okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
-So I never get to win anymore? -How much did you ever win before?
You know how when you're wearing pants and you Iean forward...
...I check out your underwear?
WeII, when Jake did it...
...I saw that he was wearing women's underwear.
I know. They were mine.
Oh!
No, no, wait. That's weird.
We were goofing around, and I dared him to try them on.
That's weird!
-I'm wearing his briefs right now. -That's kind of hot.
I think so too. And that IittIe fIap? It's great for hoIding my Iipstick.
I wouIdn't know about that.
Jake says that women's underwear is actuaIIy more comfortabIe.
He Ioves how siIk feeIs against his skin.
Next he'II say your high heeIs are good for his posture.
There's nothing wrong with Jake. He is aII man.
I think more than you.
He Iooked Iike a reaI Iumberjack in those pink Iacies.
I'm just saying onIy a man compIeteIy secure in his mascuIinity...
...couId wear women's underwear. I don't think you couId.
-I am secure with my mascuIinity. -Okay, whatever.
You've seen my huge stack of porn, right?
Here you go.
Look aII you want. There's nothing there.
SIow down, or I am returning to the back seat.
WouId you caIm down?
No! You're driving 1 5 miIes over the speed Iimit.
I'm driving 5 miIes over the Iimit. They raised it by 1 0.
What, are they crazy?!
God, I forgot how much I Iove driving.
I have got to get my Iicense renewed.
You don't have a vaIid driver's Iicense? PuII over right now.
Ross, you're so tense. You just gotta reIax, okay?
Just need to reIax. AII right? Just need to reIax.
What are you--? That's not funny. Stop horsing around.
I am not horsing around, okay?
I am ''Porsche-ing'' around.
Uh-oh.
Stay caIm. Nothing wiII happen. You're not in that much troubIe.
ReaIIy? You think so?
I was taIking to myseIf. You're going down!
Has someone taken your order?
Oh, yeah. She did. He did. She?
I'm sorry, I'm new. I don't....
-I just ordered a beer. -You're straight. I get it.
If we caIIed your dad, we'd have better seats.
I don't want him to know we're here yet. I'm not ready for that.
Besides, he won't be too happy to see me either.
Why not?
I don't know if I toId you...
...but he's kind of tried to contact me a Iot the Iast few years.
What?
Yeah. He's made phone caIIs, written Ietters.
He came to New York. But I aIways said I was too busy.
It's very ''Cats in the CradIe.'' I don't want to get into it.
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the incomparable...
...Helena Handbasket.
HeIIo, darIings.
And there's Daddy.
Switch pIaces with me. Come on! I'II go under, you go over.
-Yeah, I'II get right on that. -Come on!
-What? No. Hey, Rach, come on. -Come on!
I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
God!
Hi, officer. Was I going a IittIe too fast?
Oh, my God.
-Can I see your Iicense, pIease? -AbsoIuteIy.
It's weird. I had a dream Iast night that I was stopped by a poIiceman.
And then he....
WeII, I probabIy shouIdn't teII you the rest.
He gave you a big...
...fat...
...ticket?
-Your Iicense. -Yes. Here you go, Officer...
...Handsome.
-It's Hanson. -Oops, sorry. My mistake.
Dear Lord!
-Wow! -Here it comes.
This is a great picture.
ReaIIy? You think so? You know, I had just roIIed right out of bed.
You Iook phenomenaI.
She shouId! It was taken 1 0 years ago!
You know, you're probabIy wondering about the oId date.
Yes, I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?
-I'II bet you're a Gemini. -No.
-Taurus? -No.
-Virgo? -No.
-Sagittarius? -Yep.
I knew it. I knew it!
-You won't speed anymore, right? -I won't speed.
-And you promise to take care of this? -I promise.
In the meantime, Iet him drive. Does he have a Iicense?
-Can he handIe a stick? -WeII....
I can handIe a stick!
-That can't be your father. -I've been saying that for years.
-Oh, my God! -What?
That's Mr. GaribaIdi pIaying the piano.
HeIIo, and weIcome to the show.
I see some of our reguIars in the audience.
And a coupIe of irreguIars.
-He's coming into the audience. -ReIax. You'II be fine.
Oh, much better. You're invisibIe now.
-Where are you from? -BakersfieId.
-I'm sorry? -BakersfieId.
No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.
It can't happen Iike this. I'II meet you back at the hoteI.
Look, a standing ovation aIready. So earIy in the show.
Turn around, darIing. Let me see your pretty face.
Can we have our drinks, pIease? Waiter? --tress?
-Hey, Pheebs. -Hey.
Check it out.
How much of a man am I?
Wow, nice. ManIy, and aIso kind of a sIut.
I'm beginning to see what Jake was taIking about.
The siIk feeIs reaIIy good.
And things aren't as smashed down as I thought they wouId be.
That's great.
You have so many more choices than with men's underwear.
Bikini, French cut, thong. And the fabrics: cotton, siIk, Iace.
You know what I've aIways wondered about? Pantyhose!
The way they start at your toe, then they go aII the way up to--
-I shouId go take these off, shouIdn't I? -I think it's important you do.
What's your name?
ChandIer.
ChandIer?
What an unusuaI name.
You must have had terribIy fascinating parents.
Oh, they're a hoot.
And who is your friend?
I'm Monica.
-Monica. Where are you from? -New York.
I'm not very fond of New York.
Queens, I Iike.
What is this...
...sparkIing something, honey, huh?
ActuaIIy, Monica and I are engaged.
ReaIIy?
CongratuIations.
When's the big day?
In two weeks.
I see.
WeII, I wish you both a Iifetime of happiness.
So, you're baId.
Wait, wait.
We'd Iove it if you couId be there.
ReaIIy?
I know it wouId make me happy...
...ma'am.
Then I wouIdn't miss it for the worId.
I'm getting aII misty here.
You'd think I was having my Iegs waxed or something.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Thanks for making me do this.
Before we go on with the show, I want to say to the bride and groom...
...how Iucky they are to have found each other.
In every Iife a IittIe rain must faII.
FortunateIy...
...in my Iife....
When I was growing up, I pIayed the one on the far Ieft.
I think you've had enough fun for today.
Remind me to introduce you to someone.
-Who? -Fourth gear.
What does he want? I wasn't doing anything.
Maybe he saw your hands sIip briefIy from the 1 0 and 2:00 position.
Maybe it's Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to fIirt some more.
Perhaps he didn't tarnish the badge enough.
It's a different guy.
-Good evening, officer. -Do you know how fast you were going?
No, I don't, but it couIdn't have been more than 60.
You're right. It was 37.
ReaIIy?
-Can I see your Iicense, pIease? -You're kidding.
You're not gonna give me a ticket for driving too sIow, are you?
That's right.
You wanna heIp me out here?
I'm sorry, what?
Can you do your IittIe thing that you did before?
I don't think so.
I don't think I want to tarnish his badge.
You know, officer....
I had the weirdest dream Iast night.
Oh, my God!
Your Iicense, pIease.
You don't want to hear about my dream...
...Officer...
...Pretty?
It's Petty.
I'II be right back with your ticket.
-You have a son. -I know. I know.
-You feeI better? -Yeah. Much.
Listen....
Not that I'm insecure about my manhood or anything...
...but I think I need to hook up with a woman right now.
I understand.
You Iook famiIiar. Do I know you?
I don't think so.
Maybe it's because I'm on teIevision.
-I'm an actor on Days of our Lives. -Wow. ReaIIy?
-$4.50, pIease. -Oh, Iet me get this.
These are for you.
[ENGLISH]