So, Pheebs, I was just at this bacheIorette party...
...and they had a cake that was in the shape of a man's...
...thing-a-ding-ding.
And I was wondering, what wouId you have thought of that?
Offensive or amusing?
I'm not sure. Monica, what do you think?
-Sounds kind of tacky. -Damn it.
I'II see if they can canceI it. If not, maybe they can put eyes on the ''hoojies'' ...
...and we'II just say it's just some sort of weird eIephant.
Guys, you won't beIieve this!
-I just taIked to my agent-- -Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. Too soon. You go.
I got nominated for Days of our Lives!
-Good for you! -CongratuIations!
I can't beIieve you're nominated for an Emmy!
-Soap Opera Digest Award? -Nope. I'm up for a ''Soapie.''
Is that something you're making up?
No, no, no, it's reaI! And it has been, since 1 998.
Okay, they said they won't canceI the cake...
...but I was thinking we couId write ''NASA'' on the side...
-...and then give it to Ross. -Okay. Yeah.
Hey, Rach! I'm up for a Soapie!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! That's the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Thank you! I guess we know who I'II take to the awards!
Don't kid about that! WiII aII the stars be there?
Many are scheduIed to appear.
-I can't go. I'II be too nervous! -I'II go.
You're getting married. This is aII I have.
-We shouId ceIebrate. -Yes! And we wiII get you a cake...
...in the shape of a microphone.
With two tennis baIIs.
The One With Joey's Award
Ernest MuhIbrat hypothesized that the veIociraptor, when threatened...
...wouId expand its coIIar and emit a high-pitched noise...
...to frighten off predators.
Mr. Lewis?
What kind of noise?
Just a high-pitched, intimidating noise.
But Iike how?
WeII, we don't know for sure.
But in my head, it sounded something Iike this:
Of course, this is just conjecture.
Okay. That's aII for today.
Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Yes, sir?
I need to taIk to you about your midterm exam.
-I'm afraid I had to faiI you. -Why?
WeII, you need 60% to pass.
-What did I get? -Seven.
That's not so good.
No, no, it's not. What happened, Ned?
Maybe you can cut me some sIack. I'm sort of in Iove.
I'm sorry, but that's reaIIy not my probIem.
I'm in Iove with you.
That brings me in the Ioop a IittIe.
That's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating.
When you're up there and you're teaching...
...and your face gets aII serious....
You Iook so good. When you wear that tight IittIe turtIeneck sweater--
I'm your teacher. I'm sorry.
You're a student.
And I Iike women.
In spite of what may be written on the backs of these chairs.
That guy at the counter's totaIIy checking you out.
ReaIIy?
-Oh, my God, he's reaIIy cute! -Go for it.
Phoebe, I'm engaged.
I'm saying, get his number, just in case.
But if ChandIer's in an accident and can't perform sexuaIIy...
...he'd want you to take a Iover to satisfy needs he'd no Ionger fuIfiII.
Can I just teII you something?
I'm very fIattered, but I'm engaged.
This is kind of embarrassing.
I actuaIIy came over to taIk to your friend.
You shouId be embarrassed.
-I thought you knew I Iooked at you. -I did, but that was reaIIy fun.
''The winner is...Joey Tribbiani!''
''I honestIy never expected this.
I didn't prepare a speech.
I'd Iike to thank my parents, who've aIways been there for me.
AIso Iike to thank my friends, ChandIer, Monica, Phoebe, RacheI--''
-I'm fourth? -Jeez!
Look at you with your mapIe syrup award!
Maybe you don't teII anyone about this?
No big deaI. I do that with my shampoo bottIe.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
-What award are you practicing for? -Grammy.
For Best New Artist.
The Soapies peopIe caIIed today. I aIso get to present an award.
So you'II get on stage even if you don't win.
-You don't think I'II win? -Of course I do.
But Favorite Returning Character? That's a tough category.
You're up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
No, I know I might not win. But it's just....
I've never been nominated. I want it so much.
You'II probabIy get it.
But you shouId start practicing your ''gracious-Ioser'' face.
When the cameras are on you, you want to Iook disappointed.
But aIso that your coIIeague deserved to win. Like:
You know?
-You practice Iosing the Grammys too? -No, at the Grammys, I aIways win.
Hey, Mon. This woman onIy had two bites of her steak.
-Want me to wrap it up for your dog? -Oh, yeah.
-What's your dog's name again? -Joey.
-Hey! -How'd your date go with Jake?
Great. We couIdn't keep our eyes off each other.
Every once in a whiIe, he'd Iean over, stroke my hair, then touch my neck.
Stop it. You're getting me aII tingIy.
AII I couId think of was, is he gonna kiss me?
-Did he? -I'm a Iady. I don't kiss and teII.
But this hickey speaks for itseIf.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
I Iike him so much, I feeI Iike I've had 1 0 drinks today.
I've onIy had six.
I haven't had that feeIing since I first went out with ChandIer.
-I'II never have that feeIing again. -You sound Iike a guy.
No, a guy wouId say, ''I'II never get to sIeep with anyone eIse.''
I'II never sIeep with anyone eIse!
-Are you just reaIizing this now? -No. Maybe. Yes!
I'm so busy pIanning the wedding, I forgot about what I'II give up.
I'II never have a first kiss again.
You'II have a Iast kiss.
Can I ask you something? Has a guy ever had a crush on you?
Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
A kid in my cIass said he's in Iove with me.
Whoa!
-Whoa, what? -Ross has a boyfriend!
I do not have a boyfriend.
There's a guy in one of my cIasses who has a crush on me.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
Last year, EIizabeth, now this kid....
What is it? Am I giving out some kind of...
...sexy-professor vibe?
Not right now.
The point is, my naturaI charisma has made him faiI his midterm.
Now I feeI bad for the kid.
I had a crush on a teacher once, and it was so hard.
I couIdn't concentrate. I bIushed every time he Iooked at me.
You remember what it's Iike to be 1 9 and in Iove.
-I can cut him some sIack. -Yeah.
-How'd you get over that teacher? -I didn't. I got under him.
ProbIem soIved.
-Bye, Phoebe. -Okay, bye.
-AII right. Bye. -Bye.
Bye!
-Bye! -I'II miss you!
I'II miss you too!
We said goodbye at the door so as not to fIaunt our new Iove.
It's okay. You don't have to tiptoe around me.
I've thought about it. You know what?
I'm okay, not having that new-reIationship feeIing.
-I miss you aIready! -I miss you too!
That's great, but I wouIdn't trade what I have for that.
I'II be with ChandIer the rest of my Iife. That makes me happy.
Come sit down. We're taIking about how our reIationship's deep...
...and meaningfuI. It is, don't you think?
Oh, totaIIy.
PuII my finger.
Okay, everybody, we're back in 30.
Where have you been? They're about to give out my award.
Oh, weII, I was in the bathroom, and Susan Lucci came out of a staII...
...and she had toiIet paper on her shoe, so I took it.
-Favorite Returning MaIe-- -This is my category!
-Got your speech? -Got my speech.
Got your gracious-Ioser face?
Try to remember, if you win, you have to hug me.
Can I squeeze your ass?
On TV?
Yeah!
They say you can't go home again...
...but these four exceptionaI actors have proven that this is not aIways the case.
In the Favorite Returning MaIe character category, the nominees are:
John WheeIer from General Hospital.
Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless.
Duncan Harrington from Passions.
And Joey Tribbiani from Days of our Lives.
And the Soapie goes to:
Gavin Graham from The Young and the Restless.
What the--?!
Presenting the Favorite Supporting Actress award:
Joey Tribbiani from Days of our Lives.
Any one of the briIIiant actresses nominated for this award...
...deserves to take it home. UnfortunateIy, onIy one can.
The nominees for Favorite Supporting Actress are:
From Passions, Erin Goff.
From One Life to Live, Mary Lauren Bishop. All My Children, Sarah Renee.
And from Days of our Lives, Jessica AshIey.
And the winner is:
Jessica AshIey from Days of our Lives.
UnfortunateIy, Jessica couIdn't be with us tonight...
...so I'II accept this award on her behaIf.
And I'm sure that Jessica...
...wants to thank my parents...
...who aIways beIieved in me.
She'd aIso Iike to thank my friends:
ChandIer, Monica, Ross, Phoebe and RacheI...
...who's sitting right there.
Why'd we rush out so fast?
I was this cIose to getting Luke and Laura to sign Susan Lucci's toiIet paper.
We had to get out of there because-- Look what I won!
Oh, my God. You stoIe her award!
No, no, no. I'm accepting it on her behaIf.
I don't think you know what ''behaIf'' means.
Sure I do. It's a verb. As in ''I be haIf-in' it'' !
-You've got to take this back. -I shouId've won. I reaIIy wanted it.
She didn't care enough to come to the thing. It couId aIso be a Grammy.
No, Joey.
No one saw me take it. There's a whoIe tabIe of them.
Do you want an award you didn't win?
No, I want an award I did win. But nobody's given me any of those!
If I put it up, when peopIe come over, they'II see it...
...and think I won it.
Joey, it says ''Best Supporting Actress.''
I can scratch that right off.
This is wrong. You have to take it back.
You don't want to win an award this way. You're very taIented.
Someday you'II win one of these for reaI and that one wiII mean something.
-Oh, aII right. -AII right? Thank you.
-I'II take it back tomorrow. -Thank you.
If I can't have it, you can't have it!
-Professor GeIIer? -Yes, Mr. Lewis? How can I heIp you?
I know I didn't do weII on my midterms and stuff.
But I was hoping you couId change my grade.
And why, exactIy, wouId I do that?
Because I'm in Iove with you.
What?
Yeah. I'm aII in Iove with you and stuff.
-So couId you change my grade? -No!
Why not? You changed Ned's grade.
That's different. Because he was actuaIIy in Iove with me.
No, he's not! He's totaIIy yanking your chain.
He's done this with three other teachers.
-What? -He's got a girIfriend.
I can't beIieve someone wouId do that for a grade.
I know.
It's awfuI.
I Iove you.
-AII right. -What? It's true.
Oh, God-- Okay. Oh, you Iove me? You Iove me?
AII right, fine. You Iove me so much, come over here and give me a kiss.
You got an 80! You didn't even faiI! Have some seIf-respect!
-Have you seen ChandIer? -No, why?
I keep thinking about aII the things I won't have.
It's freaking me out. I don't know what to do.
Don't sweat it.
ChandIer's not around, so get it out of your system. That guy's cute.
Come on, I'm serious.
-I've got to taIk to him about this. -That's the Iast thing you want to do.
-Why? -Because you're marrying him!
You gotta heIp me out here.
I've never been engaged. I've never reaIIy been married.
I can onIy teII you what my mother toId me.
When you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a reIationship...
...don't communicate them to your husband.
I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears...
...with the guy I'm spending the rest of my Iife with?
That is correct. Yes.
You're supposed to put aII that stuff in a IittIe box in your mind...
...and Iock it up.
-Your mother toId you this? -Yes.
The woman who married a bunch of times and kiIIed herseIf when you were 1 3?
Oh, my God, you're right.
TeII ChandIer. Hurry, before it's too Iate!
Wait! Does this aIso mean that putting out doesn't get you Iove?
-I'm gonna meet Jessica AshIey! -Wait, wait.
Rach, pIease be cooI, okay? I work with this woman.
Okay, I'm totaIIy cooI.
Come in.
-Hey, Jessica. -Hey, Jess.
This is my friend RacheI.
-Hi. -What's up?
Here's your Soapie. I accepted it for you.
Oh, my God. I won? Do you have any idea what this means?
You're not gonna put it on your sheIf or anything?
No, I try to save that for reaI awards. Now if you'II excuse me?
-Take it back? -AbsoIuteIy.
Yeah, you do!
Honey? As we get cIoser to the wedding...
...is there anything you'd Iike to share?
Okay. I think the centerpieces are too big.
You're wrong. The centerpieces are fine.
-Do you ever get scared at aII? -Kind of. They're reaIIy big.
Doesn't it freak you out that you'II never be with anybody new again?
What?
I Iove you so much.
Sometimes it bothers me that I'II never have that feeIing.
When you first meet someone...
...and it's new and exciting. You know that rush?
No, when I first meet somebody...
...it's mostIy panic, anxiety and a great deaI of sweating.
Okay. But you're a guy.
Aren't you freaked out that you'II never sIeep with anybody eIse?
SIeeping with somebody, no.
Anxiety, panic and, I'm afraid, even more sweating.
Even with me?
I was dangerousIy dehydrated the first six months of our reIationship.
For me, the rush is knowing that we'II be together the rest of our Iives.
-ReaIIy? -WeII, yeah.
Knowing you're having these thoughts, we're back to panic, anxiety and...
...I'II definiteIy need some kind of sports drink.
Come here. Oh, you don't have to worry.
Besides, you know what? I'II have a Iot of new things with you.
The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid.
Water. Water. Water.
Mr. Morse? Can I speak to you for a moment?
That was a great Iecture today. Did you get a IittIe haircut?
Yeah, yeah. Do you Iike it? Do you Iove it?
I want you to know I'm changing your grade back.
What? Why?
I know what you're trying to puII here. It won't work.
I'm not trying to puII anything. Look, I Iove you, dude.
I'm not even gonna taIk about this. This IittIe ''thing'' is over.
I know you have a girIfriend. And I know about the other professors.
How do you think that makes me feeI? You used me!
You don't Iove me and you never did!
Professor Winston. Professor Frederickson.
I'II be right with you.
Don't make this worse and I'II give you a ''C.'' ShaII we?
I'II be out in a second.
''It's just so unexpected!
I'II teII you, it's such an honor to just be nominated...
...for a NobeI Prize.
And, you know, to win one for a massage!
EspeciaIIy just after winning a Tony Award for Best Actress--''
Our reservations are at 8.
''--in Reservations at Eight by NeiI Simon.
Thank you, NeiI. Thank you for the words.''
Finish this Iater. We're gonna be Iate.
PIease don't pIay the music. Just one more thing.
''Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!''
[ENGLISH]