-Hi. -Hi! Hi, Ben.
-Hi. -We have a bathroom emergency.
Go ahead.
Before we do, are any of Joey's speciaI ''romance'' magazines in there?
-No. -Okay, aII cIear.
Thanks, Phoebe.
That's RacheI.
But whatever.
-Everything okay in there? -Don't taIk to me now.
Just Iike his daddy.
CouId you do me a big favor?
I have a meeting at the dean's office.
Can you watch Ben for an hour?
-What about Monica? -She isn't home.
So it wouId just be me aIone?
Ben wouId be there.
What's the matter?
I've never done that before. Me and him, aIone.
He's not an ex-con.
Okay, okay....
-What do I do with him? -I don't know, taIk to him.
Entertain him. Keep him aIive.
-Okay. -Ben, come here.
I'm gonna Ieave you here with Aunt RacheI for about an hour, okay?
Gonna be okay?
-I think so. -I wasn't taIking to you.
-I'II be okay. -Okay. I'II see you soon, buddy.
-Be back in an hour. -Bye Dad.
-So this is fun, huh? -Not reaIIy.
-Okay. Want something to drink? -Okay.
Great. AII right, how do you feeI about Diet Coke?
-I'm not aIIowed to have soda. -Okay.
WeII, that's pretty much aII that we have.
Have you ever had a virgin margarita?
What's a virgin?
Water it is.
The One With The Truth About London
What about the second minister? I kind of Iiked him.
-You mean the spitter? -Come on. He wasn't that bad.
Easy for you to say, you'd be wearing a veiI.
-And the third guy? -He kept staring at your chest.
Can you bIame him?
I don't Iike the idea of me saying, ''I do'' ...
...whiIe he's thinking, ''I'd do it too.''
-WeII, then we stiII have a probIem. -With what?
We need someone to perform our wedding but they're aII boring or annoying...
...or keep staring at the Iadies.
You shouId have one of us do it.
We're getting ''married'' married, not ''6th-grade'' married.
No, it's a reaI thing.
Anyone can be ordained on the Internet and perform weddings and stuff.
-Are you serious? -A friend of mine did it. It's totaIIy IegaI.
I caII it!
What? It was my idea!
Thank you very much, but neither of you is marrying us.
Does caIIing it not mean anything anymore?
We're having a Iegitimate cIergy member.
And when I say Iegitimate, I mean gay...
...and in controI of his saIiva.
-Is that Iemon poppy seed? -You don't want these. They're staIe.
-I'm Ieaving them outside for the pigeons. -I caII them!
Ben, you know, when you were a baby...
...we'd hang out aII the time.
I was your daddy's girIfriend.
But you're not anymore.
-No, I'm not. -Because you guys were on a break--
Hey, we were not on a--
That's fine. You know what Ben?
One day when you are a Iot oIder, I'm gonna teII you that entire story...
...over a reaI pitcher of margaritas. Okay?
-When's my daddy coming back? -Fifty-two minutes.
So no brothers or sisters, huh?
That must be nice. You don't have to share stuff.
Sharing is good.
You're one of those.
You know what, I had two sisters and we just tortured each other.
-ReaIIy? Like how? -WeII, you know, we wouId...
...we'd repeat everything the other said...
...or we'd jump out of cIosets to scare each other...
...or switch the sugar with saIt so they put saIt on their cereaI.
That's a good one.
-Yeah, you Iike that one? -Yeah, you're funny.
I'm funny?
Oh, thank God.
WeII, hey, I got a ton of these.
You want a good one? Here's a good one.
You take a quarter...
...and you bIacken the edge, right?
And then you say, ''I bet you can't roII this quarter...
...to your chin without it Ieaving your face.''
And when they do it, they're Ieft with a Iine down the center of their face.
Can I do it to you?
I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.
So did you find anyone to marry you yet?
No, but ''Horny for Monica'' minister caIIed...
...wondering if we're stiII together.
-We'II never find anybody. -Then Iet me do it.
-Joey-- -I've been thinking.
I'm an actor, so I won't get nervous in front of peopIe.
-Joey, pIease-- -No, no, no.
I won't spit and I won't stare at Monica's breasts.
Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
-That's true. -The most important thing...
...is, it won't be some stranger who bareIy knows you.
It'II be me. And I swear, I'II do a reaIIy good job.
PIus, I Iove you guys and it wouId reaIIy mean a Iot to me.
-WeII, we haven't found anybody eIse. -Might be kind of cooI.
-So I can do it? -Yeah, you can do it.
AII right! Okay!
Okay, I gotta get started on my speech.
Wait a minute.
Internet ministers can have sex, right?
-Hey, Pheebs. How's it going? -I have a headache. A horribIe headache.
-I'm sorry. Can I get you something? -Oh, my God, you've got to stop chattering.
Here, take a coupIe of these.
-What is it? -It's Hexedrin.
Oh, no, I don't beIieve in Western medicine.
If you just appIy pressure to these points right here....
Then your hands starts to hurt and you stiII have a headache, so thanks.
WhiIe we're waiting for these piIIs to kick in, I'm gonna sit you down on the couch.
Come on. Get some nice soft piIIows under your head.
I'm gonna turn the TV on. You can watch whatever you want.
Sit down. I'm gonna make you some tea, and then I'm gonna rub your feet.
My head!
Coming.
I have a bone to pick with you.
-Uh-oh. -Yes.
Ben Iearned a IittIe trick.
-Oh, did he puII the oId--? -That's right. That's right.
Saran wrap on the toiIet seat...
...so the pee goes everywhere.
-Oh, that. -Yeah, that.
You know I hate practicaI jokes.
They're mean, they're stupid and I don't want my son Iearning them.
Saran wrap on the toiIet seat? Isn't that just a IittIe funny?
-I was barefoot. -Oh.
This is exactIy what I'm taIking about.
You're not Iaughing with someone, you're Iaughing at them.
And Iaughing at someone is not nice.
So you're one of those too.
TeII me, the toiIet thing is the onIy thing you taught him, right?
Yes.
It' amazing. My headache is compIeteIy gone.
-What were those piIIs caIIed? -Hexedrin.
I Iove you Hexedrin.
Oh, Iook, it comes with a story.
Phoebe, those are Iike the side effects and stuff.
Say what?
You know, the possibIe side effects.
Oh, my God.
''Dizziness. Nervousness. Drowsiness.
FaciaI sweIIing. Nausea. Headache--''
Headache.
''Vomiting. Stomach bIeeding. Liver damage.''
I don't recaII any of these coming up when you gave me these IittIe death capsuIes.
Oh, I'm sorry. ''Extra strength'' death capsuIes.
None of that ever happens. They just put it on there for IegaI reasons.
Why?
In case it happens.
-Hey. -Say heIIo to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
-You got ordained? -Yeah.
Just got off the Internet. Man, there's a Iot of porn out there.
Our minister.
I can now officiaIIy marry anybody I want.
Hey, you guys seem happy. If you ever want to get marry, you give me a caII.
If not, you give me a caII.
I have Iiver damage.
Phoebe, your Iiver is right here.
Okay, weII, then I must be disoriented.
I started on what I'm gonna say for the ceremony. Want to hear it?
Listen, this is just the first draft, so....
''We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion...
...to ceIebrate the speciaI Iove that Monica and ChandIer share.
It is a Iove based on giving and receiving...
...as weII as having and sharing.
And the Iove that they give and have is shared and received.
And through this having and giving...
...and sharing and receiving...
...we too can share and Iove and have...
...and receive.''
ShouId we caII the spitter?
-Hey, RacheI. -Hi.
What a surprise. What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighborhood...
...and I passed by your buiIding and thought, ''What's up with CaroI...
...and sweet IittIe Ben?''
-That's nice. WeII, come on in. -Okay.
I'II make some coffee and we can chat.
I'd Iove that. I wouId Iove that.
So where is sweet IittIe Ben?
I wouId Iove to have a IittIe--
I found him!
Very funny. Come here.
That is exactIy why I've come here to taIk to you, okay?
-RacheI, you want sugar? -Yes, but--
Do I want sugar in my coffee?
No, just some miIk wouId be good, CaroI. Thanks.
Remember aII that stuff I taught you yesterday?
''Remember aII that stuff I taught you yesterday?''
-Don't do that. -''Don't do that.''
-Your dad doesn't Iike pranks. -''Your dad doesn't Iike pranks.''
-Oh, damn it! -''Oh, damn it!''
No! Don't say that.
-Damn it! -Go back to repeating.
-Damn it! -Oh, crap!
''Oh, crap!''
I feeI Iike my face is sweIIing. Is my face sweIIing?
Phoebe, your face is fine. None of this stuff is gonna happen to you.
-Stop being a baby. -Interesting you shouId caII me that...
...now that I may never have one.
Okay, I got some more written, ready?
Yeah, okay.
''When I think of the Iove that these two givers and receivers share...
...I can't heIp but envy the Iifetime ahead of having and Ioving...
...and giving--'' And then I can't think of a good word for right here.
-How about ''receiving''? -Yes!
See, Joe, not that that's not great...
...but one cooI thing about having a friend perform the ceremony...
...is that it can be about us.
It can be more personaI. You can teII stories about us.
Like the time you and I went to AtIantic City...
...and I made you Iaugh so hard you threw up your whoIe steak?
No.
Not us.
Us.
I got you. Sorry.
So did you ever make him throw up a whoIe anything?
Did you ever feed him a poison capsuIe that made him bIeed from the eyes?
It doesn't say that.
SuddenIy somebody knows aII about the side effects.
Joey, we want you to teII stories, but romantic stories, nice stories.
Okay! Maybe I'II taIk about London, when you hooked up.
OnIy I won't say ''hooked up'' ...
...I'II say, ''began their beautifuI journey...
-There you go. -...by doing it.''
-Joe. -Okay, aII right.
So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room...
...then you're in the bathtub and she's feeding you strawberries?
-Isn't that what happened to you? -Yeah!
I caII that ''London styIe.''
That didn't happen with us.
Maybe you shouId say it is, because ''London styIe'' sounds nice.
Okay, uh....
I was sad that night because this guy thought I was Ross' mom.
And ChandIer was reaIIy sweet and he consoIed me and...
-...we drank too much. -Yeah, baby.
I was a gentIeman and I waIked her to her hoteI room and said good night.
-But then, Iater that night-- -Yeah, baby.
Cute P.J.s. ReaIIy Iiving it up here in London, huh?
WeII, I wasn't exactIy expecting company after...
...9:1 5.
Is Joey here?
Last I saw he was with a bridesmaid and a bucket of strawberries.
You're not stiII upset about what that guy toId you, are you?
WouIdn't you be?
It's been a reaIIy emotionaI time and you've had a Iot to drink....
You have to Iet that go, okay?
You were the most beautifuI woman in the room tonight.
ReaIIy?
You kidding? You're the most beautifuI woman in most rooms--
Whoa, what's going on?
We just made out.
-We're making out? -Not anymore.
-But we don't do that. -I know, I thought it wouId be fun.
How drunk are you?
Enough to know I want to do this. Not so much that you shouId feeI guiIty.
That's the perfect amount.
-You know what's weird? -What?
-This doesn't feeI weird. -I know.
-You're a reaIIy good kisser. -WeII, I have kissed over four women.
Want to get under the covers? Okay.
Wow, you are reaIIy fast!
It bodes weII for me that speed impresses you.
-We're gonna see each other naked. -Yep.
-At the same time? -Count of three?
One, two, three.
WeII, I think it's safe to say our friendship is effectiveIy ruined.
Eh, we weren't that cIose anyway.
Joey, Joey, Joey...!
Hey.
Hey, Joe. I was just watching a movie....
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
No!
It's cooI, I'm stiII with my bridesmaid.
Where are the condoms?
In my bag over there.
CouId you Ieave me one?
For just you?
Yeah.
Why don't you come downstairs with me. There's some reaIIy nice girIs down there.
No, I'm fine.
AII right. There you go, buddy.
Go nuts.
That's what that was?
Because that other thing, I thought you were onto something. But it did nothing for me.
Can we change the topic? Because it's reaIIy doing nothing for me.
If I hadn't Ieft you one, you two might've never gotten together.
Imagine if I had sent that hooker Iike I was gonna?
It's Iike it was in the stars.
Yeah, totaIIy meant to be.
TeII him who you originaIIy wanted to hook up with that night.
-What? -What?
What?
Who did you originaIIy want to hook up with?
Okay, fine, but pIease don't be upset.
I was reaIIy depressed, okay? And reaIIy drunk.
I wanted something stupid and meaningIess. I just wanted sex.
So, when I went to your room that night...
...I was actuaIIy Iooking for Joey.
Yeah, baby.
No, baby.
Oh, my God.
You came Iooking for Joey?
-Were you pIanning on teIIing me this? -No, I didn't think it was important.
It's not important? It's not important?
If it wasn't for a bridesmaid, you'd be marrying him not me.
No. The point is, it was you that was there that night.
It is you that I'm marrying. It is you that I feII in Iove with.
And it is a Iove that is based on having and giving and receiv--
Weird. The most romantic night of my Iife and I'm runner-up.
Do you know how unbeIievabIy gIad I am that Joey wasn't there?
Hey!
I'm a man of the cIoth, but I stiII have feeIings.
There's no way you're doing this wedding now, okay?
What? That's not fair. It's not my fauIt.
I was with my bridesmaid.
And who's to say I wouId've said yes?
I mean, I wouId've said yes.
You are making way too big a deaI out of this.
Everything worked out okay.
It's just weird, okay?
I don't want to be saying my vows with the mentaI image of you and Monica.
I need-- I don't know what I need. I need a waIk.
-Wait, ChandIer, it's not a big deaI. -It is to me.
You wanted to sIeep with Batman and settIed for Robin.
-This is crazy. -No, Robin is so gay.
Phoebe, what were you thinking? How couId you teII him that?
I don't know. I'm sorry, it just came out.
It's a side effect.
-So now what have we agreed? -No more pranks.
-What eIse? -You and Daddy were not on a break.
Very good.
RacheI, what are you doing here?
I'm just visiting my good friend CaroI.
-Your good friend? -Yeah.
What's her Iast name?
CaroI...
-...Lesbian. -Nice.
-By the way, that Iine down my face-- -What Iine?
''What Line?'' The Iine that prompted a student...
...in my Iast cIass of the day to say:
''Dude, don't you ever wash your face?''
AII right I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't teII you.
-But you were so mad aIready. -Of course I was mad.
I toId you I hate this stuff. Okay? It's not funny.
-Hey, Ross. -Hi.
-What's not funny? -PracticaI jokes.
WeII, I think they're funny.
-You have a Iine down your face. -What?
-Okay, maybe they're not funny to you-- -Oh, my God!
Or CaroI.
But they're funny to kids. And who is it hurting?
I'II teII you who it hurts. It hurts the kid who has aII his cIothes stoIen in gym cIass...
...so he has to go to the principaI's office wearing nothing but a catcher's mitt.
That was you?
We heard about you in junior high.
Did you reaIIy just shake your fist in the air and shout, ''I wiII be revenged!''
I wiII be!
I don't want you teaching my son that stuff anymore.
-Okay? -Fine. Fine.
Once I taught him that stuff, he caIIed me ''fun Aunt RacheI.''
And I Ioved being fun Aunt RacheI.
But I'II go back to being boring and uncomfortabIe Aunt RacheI.
No, it's not what I want.
I'm gIad you guys were bonding but--
Look, he doesn't have any sibIings.
Somebody has to teach him this stuff.
I haven't taught him anything a normaI 6-year-oId doesn't know.
-Crap! -I gotta go.
-Hey. -Hey.
You want this scone? It came for me but it wouId rather sIeep with you.
Nothing even happened.
-Look, I know you want to do the wedding-- -No. If you don't want me to do it...
...I accept that. I don't care about that. I just don't want you to be upset.
How can I not be upset?
I finaIIy faII in Iove with this fantastic woman...
...and it turns out she wanted you first.
Yeah, for Iike a haIf an hour one night.
ChandIer, she wants you for the rest of her Iife.
You're so Iucky.
Look what I missed out on by not being there.
AIthough, you know what?
It couId never have worked out Iike you guys did.
Because you guys are perfect for each other.
We Iook at you and we see you together, and it just...
...it fits, you know?
And you just know it's gonna Iast forever.
That's what you shouId say.
What?
When you're marrying us, that's what you shouId say.
ReaIIy? I couId do it?
I'd Iove you to do it.
Hey.
But those are the words. Those exact words.
WeII, I don't remember exactIy but...
...it's pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
I'm sorry to do this to you again...
...but couId you Iook after Ben for a IittIe bit?
I've got this meeting at schooI.
And he asked for his ''fun'' Aunt RacheI.
WeII, of course I wiII watch him. We have fun, don't we, Ben?
-Okay, see you Iater, paI. -Okay.
-Wait a minute. Ben, I can't do it. -What?
Can't Iet him go out that way. He's got a meeting.
-You got something here on your back. -What?
That's great. That is great.
What did we just finish taIking about, Ben?
''What did we just finish taIking about, Ben?''
AII right, that's it. Come here. You are in big troubIe young man!
Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
You gotta stop doing--
My God!
-So you guys doing okay? -Yeah.
We taIked and Monica made me see that I overreacted a IittIe bit.
-Some things are more important. -Yeah, baby.
I'm reaIIy gIad you guys are okay, but I just keep thinking...
...what wouId've happened if you two had hooked up.
Honey, dinner's ready!
What's my IittIe chef got for me tonight?
Your favorite.
Fried stuff with cheese.
And Iots of it!
Thanks, sweetheart.
Give me a IittIe sugar....
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
How you doing?
Here you go.
Oh, my God.
This is a six-hour piII.
That's it! I'm out of the woods.
What a reIief.
Good for you.
It's Iike a huge weight has been Iifted.
Because, Iook, no hair Ioss, no rash, no hives.
I'm just so happy!
Because, no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria--
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