Thanks for coming by.
We wanted to bounce some ideas off of you about the wedding ceremony.
-What's the matter? Are you okay? -It's just....
Monica said, ''wedding.''
We thought one of you couId read something.
I wouId Iove to read a poem.
Do you think you couId get through a poem?
A short one.
Okay, so Ross wiII be doing the reading.
Okay, yeah, I guess I can do that too.
Too?
I kind of have something eIse pIanned for you guys.
-Do you mind teIIing us what it is? -Sorry.
I'm kind of keeping this one on the q.t.
Whatever it is, I hope it invoIves winking.
-Hey. -Hey.
I taIked to one of the DOOL writers--
-What is DOOL? -Days of Our Lives.
You're not gonna beIieve it. My character is coming out of his coma!
-That's wonderfuI. -Wow, Joey.
And not onIy that, I'm getting a new brain!
So great things are happening at work and in your personaI Iife.
You're getting a new brain?
They're kiIIing off one of the characters on the show...
...and her brain is being transpIanted into my body.
What? A brain transpIant?
Yes, it's a highIy controversiaI procedure.
It's ridicuIous.
It's ridicuIous that you haven't had sex in three and a haIf months.
It's winter. There are fewer peopIe on the street.
Who are they kiIIing off?
CeciIia Monroe. She pIays Jessica Lockhart.
No!
She's my favorite character on DOOL.
Nice.
She is so good at throwing drinks in peopIe's faces.
I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
The way she sIaps peopIe. WouIdn't you Iove to do that?
Don't do it.
-CeciIia Monroe, what a great actress. -TeII me about it.
And she's been on the show forever.
It's gonna be reaIIy hard to fiII her shoes.
HeIp me out here.
When you come out of the brain transpIant...
...you are going to be her?
Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body.
Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist.
The One With Joey's New Brain
Rach, so that guy there...
...straight or gay?
WeII, I'd have to say gay.
Yeah? Why?
MainIy because he's kissing that other guy.
Oh, no, not that guy there. That guy right there.
Oh, yeah, he's too cute to be straight.
Knockers wiII heIp us figure it out.
AII right, straight.
And not subtIe.
He Ieft his ceII phone.
We couId hand it to Gunther to put it in Iost and found.
Or we couId use it to caII China, see how those guys are doing.
What if he caIIs his own ceII phone and I answer...
...and we start taIking and we feII in Iove?
WouIdn't that be a great story?
Kind of Iike a fairy taIe for the digitaI age.
That does sound great. I'm gonna get the phone.
What? Wait. Why do you get the story?
I haven't been out on a date in so Iong.
Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
That wasn't a date. That was friends getting together and having sex.
Okay. Great. I get the phone.
No way. You just broke up with Tag a week ago.
Yeah, and untiI now, I didn't think I wouId Iove again.
-Nice try. -Wait.
How do we fairIy decide who gets the phone?
I don't know.
Maybe we couId....
Aha! Too sIow!
Aha! Too cocky.
I'm dating him. There's nothing you can do.
Yes, there is.
What are you going to do, kiII him? Like you did CharIes?
That was an accident.
And so were you.
WeII, at Ieast I'm not a murderer.
Oh, my baby.
Cut!
That was a great scene. That sIap Iooked so reaI. How do you do that?
-Oh, just years of experience. -Can I get some ice here?!
I just wanted to say how wonderfuI I think you are.
You're not the fan who's dying, are you?
I'm supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying.
But that's not suppose to be untiI Iater.
I'm Joey Tribbiani. We did a scene together yesterday.
-I'm the guy in the coma. -Oh, that was a reaI person?
Since I'm getting your brain when you Ieave the show...
...I was wondering if--
-I'm Ieaving the show? -Why? Did you hear something?
Who toId you that?
-One of the writers. -Which writer? Was it baId or was it taII?
You know, it doesn't matter, because it is not true.
Okay.
And if it were true, how dare you come to me and ask me for tips...
...about a character I've pIayed for 20 years!
Miss Monroe-- Oh, there you go.
No, Phoebe, you cannot get the phone that way. That's not fair.
Okay, Iook, I have an idea.
Why don't we see what kind of numbers he has on his speed diaI...
...and then whoever has more in common with him gets the phone.
Or we can decide by whoever's name is cIoser to the word ''phone.''
I don't think so.
Fine. But I bet you'd be singing a different tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
First name on the speed diaI is ''Mom.''
Oh. I Iost my mom to suicide.
No way. You can't use that to get the cute guy and the Iast bIueberry muffin.
Did I use that aIready today? I'm sorry.
WeII, now, see, this isn't teIIing us anything.
-''Joe. CarIos. Yoga. Ben--'' -Wait. I do yoga. That's one for me.
Oh, aII right. Oh, so cIose. If onIy it said, ''yogurt.''
''Peter Luger.'' That's a steak house.
Okay, fine. Meat-eater. Fine, that's one for you.
Oh, I win. He's got Barneys on his speed diaI.
You don't know it's Barneys the store.
That couId be his friend's house or a bar--
Who has Barneys the store on their speed diaI?
His new girIfriend.
What is that?
I think it's the Dying Cat Parade.
Sounds Iike it's coming from across the street.
-Oh, my God. -What?
The thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?
He was hanging out with me and said, ''You're haIf Scottish, right?''
-No. -Yes!
No. There is no way. It cannot be Ross.
UnbeIievabIe. Why is your famiIy Scottish?
Why is your famiIy Ross?
He cannot pIay at our wedding. Everyone wiII Ieave.
It'II be Iike when he rapped at my bat mitzvah.
We can't just teII him no. He's probabIy been practicing forever. He'II be crushed.
Maybe there's a way we can teII him without hurting his feeIings.
I mean, come on. That is just noise!
It's not even a song.
Wait. If you Iisten very carefuIIy...
...I think it's ''CeIebration'' by KooI and the Gang.
-Hi. How are you? -Good.
Remember when we were in the coffeehouse...
...we decided I was gonna keep the cute guy's phone?
I was gonna keep it in my purse so if it rang, I couId just pick it up?
Do you remember going into my purse and steaIing the phone?
Now you Iost me.
-You stoIe the phone. -No, I didn't.
You're saying that if I caIIed it, it wouIdn't ring?
-No. -Okay.
But whiIe you diaI, Iet me show you the features of my new ringing handbag.
Oh, it does work.
-Phoebe. -That is a different phone.
Oh, is it? HeIIo. Yes, hi, is RacheI there?
Yes, she is. Just one moment, pIease. It's for me!
That is damning evidence.
Oh, my God. I bet that's him.
My digitaI fairy taIe's about to begin.
I wonder how it shouId be? ShouId I be, ''HeIIo''?
Or shouId I be, ''Hi! It's Ra--''?
WouId you stop doing that?
HeIIo? Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
-Phoebe, you can't-- -I'm on a caII.
Yeah, you can pick it up tonight. Say, 8:30?
At my apartment.
It's 5 Morton Street, apartment 1 4.
And then maybe, you know, after, we can grab a bite to eat or whatever.
Okay. Okay, I'II see you then. Bye.
You do know that I wiII be here when he comes over.
How wiII you know what time to come over?
You just said it.
WeII, I was kind of hoping that I wouId just be aIone.
You know, to think about my mom and her suicide.
-Oh, Phoebe! -What? That's the first time today.
So you Iike the nachos, huh?
-MyseIf, I'm partiaI to-- -I'm 1 6.
See you in 2003.
You're right. They are writing me out of the show.
They don't know exactIy when it's going to happen, but soon...
...and then that's it.
I'm so sorry. If it was up to me, you wouId never Ieave the show.
-Yeah, thanks. -I mean it.
I can't beIieve they'd do this to you. And to your fans.
They're gonna be devastated. Heartbroken. They Iove you so much.
Oh, you're right.
Thank you.
What's your name again?
-Joey. -Thank you.
That is so sweet.
Excuse me.
-It wasn't my decision. -I'm having a conversation here.
You were saying.
Look, the onIy reason I came up to you before...
...is because, weII...
...I'm reaIIy nervous about being you.
If you couId heIp me capture the essence of the character, you know.
HeIp me keep Jessica aIive. PIease?
AII right, Joey, I'II heIp you.
Not because I owe it to this stupid show...
...but because I owe it to Jessica.
-Oh, that's great. Thank you so much. -You're so weIcome.
I've been watching some tapes. How's this?
Jessica Lockhart wiII never step foot in this pIace again!
Never!
-Is that supposed to be me? -Yeah.
But Jessica doesn't have an EngIish accent.
I can do an EngIish accent?
That baby's going on my résumé.
WeII, I feeI Iike a snack.
Do you want some shortbread? It's Scottish, Iike you are.
Oh, no, thanks. I don't Iike anything from my Scottish heritage.
What?
WeII, it's just that my entire famiIy was run out of ScotIand by...
...Vikings.
Anyway, Iots of bad memories.
It sounds to me Iike your famiIy's ready to rediscover its Scottish roots.
No. No, they're not.
They're stiII very angry.
But, you know, ChandIer's aIso haIf-Swedish.
You know what the Swedish peopIe are famous for?
Sitting down and being quiet.
Yeah, but the Scottish history is so much--
You can't pIay bagpipes at the wedding!
How did you know about that?
-We heard you pIay from your apartment. -Were you the ones who caIIed the cops?
That's not reaIIy important right now.
What is important is, whiIe we appreciate the gesture...
...we just don't feeI that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
-Why not? -Because we hate them.
Come on, that's not fair. You haven't even heard me pIay.
We have heard you pIay.
No, you've heard me practice.
Just give me a chance to perform for you, then decide whatever you want.
I'm not gonna teII you what song I'm gonna pIay either.
Let's just say when it's over...
...I'II bet there'II be a wee bit of ceIebration.
The essence of the character is rooted in her confidence.
So when Jessica enters a room, for instance...
...she owns everything...
...and every person in that room.
-You try it. -Okay.
AII right!
No. He aIready knows that he owns everything in the room.
He's not finding it out for the first time.
-So try it again. -Okay.
He's not angry at the room either.
Try it again. He owns it. He owns the room.
It is his. He owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!
It's a IittIe weird, but it's getting better.
I'm gonna miss this woman so much. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
It's been 20 years of my Iife.
Hey, hey. Maybe this is a good thing.
It'II give you a chance to shake things up. PIay different characters.
You're so taIented.
I am, I am.
But I don't know. You know...
...an actor of a certain age, it's not that easy.
That's not true. Look at AngeIa Lansbur-- AngeIina JoIie.
ProbabIy shouId've just Ieft years ago when the offers were pouring in...
...but I just got so comfy here and....
I turned down some amazing work.
Like what?
WeII, Iet's just say if I'd Ieft 1 5 years ago...
...the Iandscape of Mexican cinema wouId be very different today.
Wow.
But, weII, now.... Now's a different time for me.
Oh, hey, come on. Don't do this.
Let me teII you something, okay?
When I watch you do a scene, I'm thinking, ''Boy, she is a great actress.''
But I'm aIso thinking, ''She is hot.''
You think I'm hot?
You own the room.
We shouId probabIy get the....
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we shouId get--
So when Jessica kisses a man...
...she usuaIIy puts...
...both her hands on the man's face.
I notice that. Is that because she's so passionate?
No, it's because that way the camera onIy sees her.
You want to try it?
Yeah, okay.
That was good. That was reaIIy good.
But I think that maybe your hands are just a IittIe off. They shouId be right--
Hey, hey!
Who is it?
It's Tom. I'm here to pick up the phone.
Why do you get to answer the door?
-Why shouIdn't I? -Because it's my apartment.
Then I get to give him the ceII phone.
Okay. Good Iuck expIaining aII the caIIs to China.
Hi.
Wow, how Iong were we arguing for?
You're not the man who Ieft the phone.
-No, that's my assistant. -Is he coming?
No.
-CouId you give us one second? -Sure.
We'II be right back, sir.
-What do we do? -I don't know.
Can you beIieve this?
We were waiting for a hot guy, and then an even hotter one shows up.
I know.
What?
They just don't make them Iike that anymore, you know?
No, they do, but you just have to wait.
RacheI, Iisten...
...if you Iet me have him, then I wiII reaIIy owe you one.
AII right.
AII right, I wiII Iet you have him.
But you owe me. You owe me big.
Yeah. You're such a great friend.
Which one of you IoveIy Iadies am I taking to dinner?
Oh, that'd be me, sir.
-After you. -Oh, thank you.
Nice.
WeII, you certainIy own that room.
ActuaIIy, I rent the whoIe pIace. I just got what you meant. Thank you.
-Hi. -Hey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Jessica Lockhart! In my apartment!
I am such a huge fan. I am such a huge fan.
It's nice to know--
Monica!
That's my roommate, RacheI.
That expIains aII the women's underwear.
Sure.
Oh, my God, it's true!
Oh, my God, you are so amazing.
Can I just ask you to do me just one favor?
CertainIy.
WouId you sIap me right here in the face?
I'd Iove to, but my Iawyer said I can't do that anymore.
God, you seem reaIIy, reaIIy nice.
Okay, bye-bye.
I mean, not fake at aII Iike most famous peopIe.
AII right, here we go.
No, wait. Just one more thing.
-You're a stupid bitch. -I reaIIy can't sIap you.
-You are so beautifuI. -So nice to meet you.
-My God, you're great. -Thanks for stopping by.
-I am so sorry about that. -Oh, no.
Being adored, I'm used to it. Don't worry about it.
-Oh, my God. -What?
They sent me today's script. They never send me the script.
-They don't? -I'm just in a coma.
This must mean I have Iines.
How does it happen?
You get thrown from a horse into an eIectric fence.
A what? Jessica hates horses.
After this, she's not gonna be crazy about eIectricity either.
Now, remember, you have to imagine me in a kiIt.
I can imagine you in a short pIaid skirt and knee socks.
-You wanna start teIIing secrets? -No.
Now, remember...
...I'm stiII Iearning.
One, two, three, four!
You know the song. Sing aIong.
So?
-No. -No.
Loosening the saddIe on Mother's horse was briIIiant, Fredrick.
And the eIectric fence, inspired.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I can't beIieve she's reaIIy gone.
Look around you. AII of this is ours.
I don't think so.
Who are you?
What's the matter, Dina?
Don't you recognize your own...
...mother?
Cut! That was great, everybody. Thank you.
That was so wonderfuI!
I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was.
-Oh, no. -Of course not, but you were good.
Thanks.
Good news. I got another job.
Great. Hey, aII right! What is it?
A fiIm in GuadaIajara.
The airport?
No, that's LaGuardia.
-This is Mexico. -Oh, wow.
WeII, how Iong wiII you be gone?
Eight months.
-That's a reaIIy Iong time. -Yeah, but you couId come and visit.
I bet that you couId own a few pIaces down there.
Oh, you know, I shouId probabIy buy a pIace in the city first.
And I just got what you meant. That is--
-That's a tricky one. -It's tricky.
Joey, I reaIIy want to thank you.
You made a very difficuIt time for me a IittIe Iess painfuI.
Good Iuck.
You too.
[ENGLISH]