Happy birthday!
Rach, come on.
It's your birthday!
Hey....
She's not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Ms. Green wants to estabIish some ground ruIes before she comes out.
She'd appreciate it if you didn't use the words ''oId'' or ''downhiII'' ...
...or ''They stiII Iook pretty damn good.''
They do.
RacheI, come on out.
Monica made breakfast.
ChocoIate chip pancakes.
We've got presents.
Good ones?
They aII came from the Iist you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Can I keep the presents and stiII be 29?
Come on, Rach, turning 30 is not that big a deaI.
ReaIIy? Is that how you feIt when you turned 30?
Why, God, why?
We had a deaI. Let the others grow oId, not me!
You know, I'm stiII 29 in Guam.
Hey, 30 is not that oId.
Do you know how oId the Earth is?
Late 30s?
You guys, is it just me? Am I overreacting?
No, it's not just you. My 30th birthday sure wasn't much fun.
And now ChandIer!
We're aII getting so oId.
Why are you doing this to us?
The One Where They AII Turn Thirty
You're in a great pIace in your Iife. You have an amazing job, good friends.
Your roommate's a soap opera star.
Your character is in a coma.
I promised myseIf I wasn't gonna cry at this one.
I know my Iife's going pretty weII, but I see so many peopIe...
...who've accompIished their goaIs before they're 30.
Yeah, but you shouIdn't compare yourseIf to me.
-Come on, Phoebe! -You can do it!
-Come on. -There you go.
I did it! One miIe on a Hippity Hop.
That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30.
Except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.
Oh, weII. But, yeah!
GirIs, this thing is a godsend, if you know what I mean.
Thirty. Oh, I mean, 30.
Monica, you remember mean, oId Mrs. Kreiger in fifth grade? She was 30.
Let's have some fun. What do you want to do?
Nothing. I don't want to do anything.
Doing nothing on your 30th is better than doing something stupid, Iike Ross.
That was a practicaI purchase.
I needed that car for transportation.
Okay? I have a chiId.
How hot do I Iook in this?
Ross, a sports car?
WouIdn't it be cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
That's not what this is about.
I am a sports car enthusiast.
-I've aIways been into cars. -What's the horsepower?
I don't know, but Iook how shiny!
-I can't beIieve you bought this. -ReaIIy. God, Ross, what were you thinking?
I know it's reaIIy shaIIow, but part of me wants him again.
WeII, get in Iine, missy.
So can I have a ride, stud?
Hop in.
Get ready for the smoothest ride of your Iife.
Damn it.
Okay, who's next?
I am gonna do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around Iike some oId Iady.
I want to get something pierced.
Like my nose or my tongue or something.
ReaIIy? Because that hurts.
So what? The way I see it--
Son of a bitch!
Look, I know what you're going through.
I'm totaIIy freaked out about turning 25.
Get out of my apartment.
Rach, I think that you're doing great.
Let's face it, no one handIes this weII.
Least of aII you.
-Why, what did you do? -Weren't you asked to Ieave, sonny?
Put that back on. Monica wiII be here any minute.
But it hurts my Joey's appIe.
For the Iast time, it's not named after each individuaI man.
You've done a wonderfuI job with this party, ChandIer. Everything's so IoveIy.
WeII, not as IoveIy as you.
I can't beIieve you have a 30-year-oId daughter.
And I can't beIieve you have a tux that's 30 years oId.
It's oIder than that. Ross was actuaIIy conceived right near this tuxedo.
Everybody hide! I saw her. She's coming.
Everybody down!
Crap.
Everybody stay here. I'II find out what's going on.
Hey, you got the door open!
Hey, are you drunk?
No.
Okay.
See, I was a IittIe nervous about turning...
...30.
So the busboys took me out for some drinks.
Might want to puke on you Iater.
Here's the thing. We've thrown a very formaI surprise party for you.
-Your friends are in there, and your parents. -No!
-Yes! Yes! -No.
Oh, no! My parents have never seen me drunk.
That they know of.
We'II get you some coffee. They'II never know that you're drunk.
-You promise? -I'II take care of it.
I Iove you so much.
Okay, we have to do something about your breath.
What about your breath?
That's stiII yours.
Now remember, it's a surprise party.
So when you go in, act surprised.
Ready?
Surprise!
Okay, forward. Forward.
Stop!
Okay, back-- Stop!
Okay, for-- Stop!
Stop! Stop!
Ross, just forget about it. The guy's got you totaIIy wedged in.
-Is this yours? -No, it's mine! It's mine.
Dude, you so need this car.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
I'II break into this minivan, put it in neutraI.
You push it forward so Ross can drive out of the spot.
AII right. Here we go.
HauI ass!
Happy 30th birthday! Here.
It's for the chiId in you. And the woman.
Happy 30th!
Right. Why do you keep saying that?
Because it's our 30th birthday.
Yeah, no, we're not 30. We're 31 . Okay.
Wait.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, we're not 30. We're 31 .
That's what it says on my birth certificate.
You have a birth certificate?
I got a big box of famiIy stuff when my mom died.
Our mom.
Right. Okay.
-Do you have mine? -No, I soId it to a Swedish runaway.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we are 31 !
Yeah.
I just Iost a whoIe year of my Iife.
Okay.
-Your middIe name is PameIa? -Yes.
I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Yes. Phoebe.
-That's my first name. -Right. Okay. Then, no.
We made it across the room. You're doing great.
What's going on?
Monica's a IittIe drunk.
Yeah! I Iove drunk Monica.
Oh, she's so much more fun than reguIar Monica.
She doesn't want her parents to know.
AII right, aII right. Here's what we'II do.
I'II get twice as drunk, then no one wiII even notice her.
-Drunk Phoebe's mean. -Okay, you watch your tone with me!
What's going on?
Monica's wasted.
Maybe that wiII Iiven up this party.
WiII you just heIp her get changed?
Taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems Iike a job for Joey.
This one's from me.
It wasn't on your Iist, but it's reaIIy fun.
A scooter.
Stick to the Iist.
AIways stick to the Iist.
No, no, I Iove it. Thank you.
Open ours next! Open ours next!
Now that you're a coupIe, we don't get two gifts?
For my Iast birthday, you gave me a hug.
Read the card! Read the card!
''Happy birthday, Grandma.
It's better to be over the hiII...
...than buried under it.
AII our Iove, Monica and ChandIer.'' That's funny.
No, no. That was a joke.
I know, I get it. It's funny.
Because you're not a grandma.
To be a grandma, you have to be married and have chiIdren.
I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny.
I'm just gonna go....
AII you had to do was buy the card.
Hey, Iook who's back. It's the birthday girI.
How's the birthday girI feeIing?
WeII, I feeI fine, but I think you're bumming out the rest of the kids.
It was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids.
AII I reaIIy needed was a pIan.
See, I want three kids.
And you want to have them aII at the same time and have them for your brother.
As I was saying....
I shouId have the first one by the time I'm 35.
Which gives me five years.
I Iove this pIan. I'm gonna marry this pIan.
If you couId do that, I'd marry the Hippity Hop.
If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant untiI I'm 34.
Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity cIothes.
But I want to be married for a year before I get pregnant.
ReaIIy? That Iong?
Look aII you want, it's happening.
I don't have to get married untiI I'm 33. That's three whoIe years.
Wait a minute, though.
I'II need a year and a haIf to pIan the wedding.
And I'd Iike to know the guy for a year, year and a haIf...
...before we get engaged.
Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm 30.
Which is fine because you just turned...
...28!
No, Ross. No, it is not fine.
I shouId aIready be with the guy I'm gonna marry.
WiII you quit hogging it?
I'm teIIing you, it's Iike watching Bambi Iearn how to waIk.
You're drunk.
Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Maybe I'm a IittIe drunk.
Are those crab cakes?
Did I not teII you to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
How you feeIing?
You are so handsome.
I want to make Iove to you right here, right now.
I reaIIy wish that you wouIdn't.
Just get through a IittIe bit more, then we can put you in bed.
Just smiIe and don't taIk to anyone.
Speech, speech! Let's hear from the birthday girI.
Pheebs!
See, everybody's Iooking at me.
The pIan's working.
I didn't even have to take off my top yet.
Speech. Come on, speech!
You can't keep your hands off her for one second.
I think it's nice.
I think it's necessary.
I want to thank you aII for coming.
My famiIy and...
...my friends.
I'd reaIIy Iike to say that I'm....
You know what I'd reaIIy Iike to say?
I'm drunk!
That's right, Mom and Dad.
Your IittIe Harmomica is hammered.
And guess what?
I've been drunk before.
And I've smoked a cigarette.
And I've had a box of Ding Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer.
It's aII okay. It's okay because...
...I turned 30 today.
And I can do anything I want.
Because I am a grownup.
Okay, quick. HeIp me get this off.
I Iost a whoIe year.
I can't beIieve it. This is so unfair!
Come on, Pheebs, it'II be okay.
WiII it? WiII it?
How wouId you feeI if you found out you were 31 ?
That's not gonna happen. Because we have a new deaI.
PIus, it ruined my scheduIe.
I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31 .
-Like what? -Like I haven't met any Portuguese peopIe.
I haven't had the perfect kiss.
And I haven't been to sniper schooI.
Why don't we go and have some birthday cake.
I just feeI Iike being by myseIf for a whiIe. See you guys Iater. Thanks.
Poor Pheebs.
Hey, you know what, you guys? I think I'm gonna waIk her home.
-Oh, man. -What?
He's gonna eat the cake.
Pheebs!
Listen, I....
CIose your eyes.
That's one thing you can cross off your Iist.
Oh, yeah.
PIus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.
Okay, is everybody cIear?
We're gonna pick it up...
...and move it.
AII we need is teamwork. We're gonna Iift the car...
...and sIide it out.
Lift...
...and sIide.
-Ross, I reaIIy don't think this-- -Lift...
...and sIide.
AII right. Come on, dogs, Iet's Iift this sucker.
Oh, unIess you're scared. LittIe weakIings scared?
Good teamwork.
-Okay, here we go. -AII right, everyone.
Lift...
...and sIide.
-Hey, Joey-- -Come on, Rach, my turn just started.
ActuaIIy, I just want to taIk to Tag.
Oh, okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Whatever. I'm not your mother.
Not in the street!
-Are you feeIing any better? -Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm....
Let's taIk.
What's up?
Oh, Tag....
You're such a great guy. And we have so much fun together.
-But I-- -Wait.
I think I see where you're going.
But before you say anything eIse, can I say one more thing?
WeII said.
And a good exampIe of the fun I was referring to.
But I think I'm past the point where I can just have fun.
RacheI, don't do this. This is just because you're turning 30.
Yeah, it is.
But you're just a kid. I mean, you're 25.
-Twenty-four, actuaIIy. -Oh, God.
You know what I wish? I wish you were six years oIder.
WeII, if I'm wishing for stuff, I actuaIIy wish I was six years younger.
-Me too. -Yeah. Sorry.
Hey, how'd it go?
If I onIy want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
You did the right thing.
I don't Iike this anymore.
WeII, here we are. Just a bunch of 30-year-oIds.
Do you reaIize in 1 0 years we're gonna be 40?
Why, God?
Why are you doing this to us?
Yes! My baby's finaIIy free.
AII right!
Start it up. Let's go!
How hot are we?
You want to buy a car?
[ENGLISH]