-Hey. -Hi.
-What are you doing? -I was thinking of moving the couch.
Why wouId you want to do that?
So there'd be a decent pIace for me to sit?
-Rach, there is a decent pIace. -And your Iap does not count.
-Come on, heIp me move this. -No, no, no.
-No? -No.
Rosita does not move.
I'm sorry. Rosita? As in--?
As in ''Rosita does not move.''
It's just a chair. What's the big deaI?
It's the exact equaI distance from the bathroom to the kitchen...
...and it's at an angIe where you don't get any gIare coming off Stevie.
Stevie the TV?
-Is there a probIem? -No.
What does he know?
Come on, Rosita. Us chicas gotta stick together.
You bitch!
The One Where Rosita Dies
Hey, you know what's weird?
After you guys get married, when you introduce me to peopIe...
...you're gonna have to say, ''This is my brother-in-Iaw, Ross.''
Not ''my friend, Ross,'' ''brother-in-Iaw, Ross.''
That's weird, isn't it?
CouIdn't I just say, ''This is Ross''?
Sure, do whatever you want.
Hey, Ross?
I checked the reaI estate section.
Look at this.
Looks Iike Mom and Dad's house.
Even has a tree with a broken Iimb out front.
And the window in the attic....
Oh, my God!
What happened to the window in the attic?
-I can't beIieve they're seIIing it. -And they didn't teII us.
What happened to the window in the attic?
HeIIo, Dad? Monica and I just saw the house in the paper.
Yes, we're surprised.
Who did you Ieave a message with?
Sorry!
Joey, Joey, I'm so sorry.
I toId you not to move it! How wouId you feeI if, say...
...I wanted to move your mom, okay...
...and you said, ''Don't,'' and I did it anyway...
...and her head feII off?
I'II buy you a new one, okay?
We'II go to the store and get you a new chair right now.
She's not even coId yet.
WouIdn't Rosita have wanted you to move on?
I mean, you know, she did aIways put your comfort first.
That's true.
-Okay, you ready? -Yeah.
I don't want Stevie to see her Iike this.
I can't beIieve we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in.
Man, some stranger's gonna be in my room.
For 1 5 years they kept it as a shrine to you.
It's time the veIvet ropes came down.
They kept your room a whiIe.
PIease! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out.
I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret cataIogs?
Not a gym.
-Come on. You know they Iove you. -As much as they Iove you?
They thought she was barren untiI I was born. It's not my fauIt.
I hate this year.
What's wrong with this year?
It's February and I've onIy given two massages...
...and they were both horribIe tippers.
That was me and Ross.
Oh, that's right.
If you want some extra cash...
...some coIIege friends made good money doing teIemarketing.
That's a great idea. You're reaIIy good on the phone.
It'd be better than the Iast teIephone job I had.
I probabIy won't have to say ''spank'' as much.
What?
Oh, yeah, Iike you never caIIed.
This is very easy. You read from the script...
...and try to seII as much toner as you can.
Okay, I can do that.
By the way, I Iove my office.
-Why don't we do a triaI run? -Oh, okay.
AII right.
Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office SuppIies.
-Can I speak to your suppIy manager? -I'm the suppIy manager.
I'd Iike to taIk about your toner needs.
We don't need any.
Okay, sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.
Yeah, you're right. This is easy.
Okay. What was wrong with that caII?
Oh, weII, aII right.
No offense, but you were kind of rude.
They aIways say they don't need toner. That's okay.
Whatever they say, you can find the answer to it, here in the script.
So I think you're ready to seII toner.
-Do you have any Iast questions? -No.
Wait, yes, I do have one question:
What is toner?
Joey?
Joe?
FuII bag?
Beer's stiII coId.
Something terribIe must have happened here.
Oh, no, no, no!
Stevie, I was never here.
-Dad? -I'm here!
-Hey. -Hi.
Seems Iike just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
We can't beIieve you're seIIing the house.
Time for a new famiIy to start here.
I hope their check cIears before they find the crack...
...in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiIing.
Let's grab our stuff and get the heII out of here.
-Sorry we can't store your things. -Oh, it's okay.
I can't wait to see everything again.
I don't know what's down here.
But there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.
I used to Iove to pIay restaurant.
Not as much as you Ioved to pIay ''uncooked batter eater.''
You can't expect a chiId to wait for a Iight buIb to cook brownies.
So I think your boxes are over here.
Oh, great.
Hey...
...whose cigarettes are these?
I don't know.
They must be your mother's.
But pIease, pIease don't ask her. I'II throw these away.
CooI! Dad, my report cards!
Hey, check this out.
Math, ''A.'' Science, ''A.'' History, ''A.'' Gym....
My rock poIisher!
Oh, Iook, there's your oId makeup kit.
It's a cIown kit. CIown kit!
But the white seems to be untouched.
-Uh-oh. -What?
You know how the garage fIoods every spring?
How are you ever gonna seII this pIace?
I think I accidentaIIy used Monica's boxes...
...to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Oh, no, Dad. Dad?
What the--
Oh, God. Everything's ruined!
Dad, she's gonna be crushed.
You don't secretIy smoke, do you?
No.
So it's just your mother then.
Hi. This is Phoebe from Empire Office SuppIies.
Can I speak to your suppIy manager, pIease?
EarI. Thanks.
Hi, EarI. This is Phoebe from Empire Office SuppIies.
I'd Iike to taIk to you about your toner needs.
I don't need any toner.
I hear what you're saying, but at our prices, everyone needs toner.
Not me.
May I ask why?
You want to know why?
I sureIy do.
Okay.
I don't need any toner...
...because I'm gonna kiII myseIf.
Is that because you're out of toner?
Okay, so no toner today. Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.
Wait, wait! I can't Iet you hang up. Just pIease taIk to me.
WeII....
I onIy had one thing to do today.
I guess I couId push it back.
Yeah. Now, why do you want to kiII yourseIf?
I've been working for 1 0 years now at this...
...meaningIess, dead-end job...
...and nobody here even knows that I exist.
ChandIer?
I'm sorry?
Look...
...I'm sure that peopIe know you exist.
Oh, yeah? I work in a cubicle...
...surrounded by peopIe.
I've been taIking to you for five minutes now about kiIIing myseIf...
...and no one's even Iooked up from their desk. Hang on.
Hey, everybody...
...I'm gonna kiII myseIf.
I'II get back to you.
I got nothing.
Wait.
Hey, Marge.
Nothing. Nothing.
Good chair.
Now, if anybody asks...
...your name is Rosita.
Come on, Joey. I just bought you a new chair, the most expensive one in the store.
You know what I was thinking? We couId name her Francette.
Francette?
What is she, a couch?
Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Joey, the new chair wiII be here in an hour.
Maybe we shouId move Rosita out of here.
Start the heaIing process.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Maybe I'II take her down to the incinerator.
It's gonna be so sad.
And kind of cooI.
She's heaIed!
-That's weird. -No, it's not weird.
It's a miracIe!
It's not a miracIe. I'm sure there's an expIanation.
There is. If your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen.
-I don't-- -Can you teII me how this happened?
-WeII, no. -MiracIe.
No, you know what, maybe somebody came in here and fixed it. Or something.
Someone Iike an angeI?
That's right, Joey. The chair angeI came in and heaIed your chair.
Get your non-beIiever ass out of my chair!
She'II understand. I didn't do it on purpose.
Dad, that won't matter to her.
Look, aII my stuff is safe and dry.
And aII her stuff is...
...growing new stuff.
This is the kind of thing...
...that makes her think you Iove me more than her.
My God. Does she think that?
-Can you bIame her? -I don't know.
We may have favored you unconsciousIy. You were a marveI.
-The doctors said your mom couIdn't-- -I don't want to hear it.
-ReaIIy? -WeII, not right now.
Monica came here for some memories. Damn it, we'II give her some.
Okay, grab....
Grab some boxes. We'II take stuff from mine...
...and whatever we can pass off as hers, we'II put in there.
-Like, this. She couId have made this. -Sure.
And this, she couId have won this.
-This couId have been hers. -Sure.
-Here, what about this? -Your makeup kit?
I'd feeI better.
I am so psyched I kept this chair for myseIf.
Yeah. Me too.
-Hey, how's the miracIe chair? -Fine.
You know, this thing has speakers in the headrest?
-No, reaIIy? -Yeah.
You can hook it to the TV and you get radio.
My chair heaIs itseIf.
EarI, you're not hearing me. AII I'm saying is, you're not aIone, aII right?
Everybody hates the peopIe they work with.
Hey, guy.
Wait, that sounded Iike someone being nice to you.
No, that's just the ''hey, guy'' guy.
He says that to everybody. He's the worst.
I'd Iike to take him with me.
AII right. Let's just forget about the peopIe at the office, okay?
There's gotta be someone worth sticking around for.
What about family or friends? Maybe a girlfriend?
Yeah, right.
Oh, sorry. Boyfriend?
-Oh, God. -No, whatever. Anything.
Hey, guy.
Yeah, he's gotta go.
Okay, I shouId...
...be getting back to my thing now.
See you.
I'm not finished! Don't you dare hang up on me!
The new girI's good.
Hey, guys.
I just whipped us up some Easy-Bake treats. They shouId be ready in about three days.
That's a good one! You hear that, Ross? Three days!
-Oh, this'II make a great memory. -Okay.
Which boxes are mine?
-These are yours right here. -Okay.
A coIoring book.
You Ioved that thing.
You never went anywhere without...
...without that coIoring book.
ReaIIy?
Looks Iike I had troubIe staying in the Iines.
Nuh-uh!
-An oId gIove? -Yeah, you Ioved that gIove.
You took it every pIace you went. You never went anypIace without the gIove.
Wow, Iook at this.
I can't beIieve I even fit into this shirt.
Oh, this is yours.
I don't know how that got in there.
This isn't mine.
Hey, this isn't my stuff.
Ross, these are your boxes.
Where are my boxes?
Your boxes are....
-What? -Dad?
The garage fIooded, sweetie, and ruined your boxes. I'm sorry.
Just mine?
I'm afraid so.
Why wasn't Ross' stuff ruined?
And if you say the words ''medicaI marveI,'' I'm going to Easy-Bake your head.
I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Ross' stuff is fine, but I have no memories...
...so you couId keep the bottom of your car from water?
There was aIso Ieaves and gook and stuff.
I can't beIieve this!
Screw it. I'm having one.
-Hey, ChandIer. -Hey.
How'd you Iike to sit in a chair that recIines...
...has a roIIing massage...
...and speakers in the headrest?
I've tried that so many times...
...they won't even Iet me in the store anymore.
What if I said you couId do it in my apartment?
Are you teIIing me...
...you bought the chair that makes aII others obsoIete?
The chair that Sit Magazine caIIed ''Chair of the Year''?
I just purchased...
...the La-Z-Boy E-CIiner 3000.
WeII, that's awesome! That's great! What made you do it?
It's a Iong story, but, I broke Joey's chair--
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You broke Joey's chair?
I thought I did, that's why I repIaced it with mine.
That's how it got fixed!
You thought that eIves came in and fixed it?
No.
AngeIs.
I'm getting my chair back.
WeII, Iooks Iike it wasn't heaIed after aII!
I guess this chair's mine now.
Joey, you broke my chair!
Your chair?
He thought he broke it, so he switched chairs.
So there was no miracIe?
No, Joe. No miracIe.
Oh, no! This is devastating!
My faith is shaken. I'm gIad I have a new chair to get me through this.
Nice try, but you don't get that chair anymore.
That is my chair now. You can sit on my Iap.
No, I take that back!
I think I shouId get the chair.
-How do you figure? -You broke a chair and you broke a chair.
The onIy one here that hasn't broken a chair is me.
No, no, no. This chair's not going anywhere.
-Where's the Iogic in that? -The Iogic...
...is that there are two of us...
...and we are both strong enough to break a chair in haIf.
So Joey breaks my chair, and I get nothing?
That's right.
What are you guys, Iike, a gang or something?
Yeah, we are.
We're the Cobras.
Where can I find EarI? He's the suppIy manager here.
I don't know any EarI.
I'm right here!
EarI?
I'm Phoebe.
Phoebe?
The Iady who seIIs toner?
Look, you can't kiII yourseIf.
Look, I reaIIy appreciate you coming down--
No, I can't Iet you do it.
-Why? -Because, fate made me caII you today.
I thought it was toner.
Think about it, okay? This isn't even my reguIar job.
My first day, you're my first caII.
Somebody eIse may have hung up, but I wouIdn't do that...
...because I know about this stuff.
-My mom kiIIed herseIf. -ReaIIy?
-How? -I'm not gonna give you tips.
Don't you see that this...
...aII came together so I couId stop you from doing this?
-CouIdn't it just be a coincidence? -No, it's fate.
It doesn't reaIIy seem Iike enough to be fate.
Oh, weII.
Okay, here's a weird thing.
My mother was aIso a suppIy manager.
I'm actuaIIy the office manager.
Oh, my God! So was she!
And get this, okay.
Your name is EarI, right? Her name was PearI.
Puh-EarI.
Was there anything eIse?
Sure.
Where're you from?
-PhiIadeIphia. -Oh, my God, so was she!
I've got goose bumps.
-ReaIIy? -I'm wearing Iayers, and it's warm.
These jerks might not care about you...
...but the universe does, and that says a Iot.
Did you hear that?
I don't need you guys to care about me...
...because the universe cares!
The whoIe universe!
I reaIIy wish they'd care a IittIe bit.
You know, I don't think it's you. This is a freaky pIace.
Hey, guys!
-Oh, no, it's you. -Yeah.
Oh, this is terribIe.
Everything is destroyed.
Look at this.
It meant enough for me to save, and now I can't teII what it is.
It's stiII soft.
What do you think this is?
I think it was a mouse.
-How are you, honey? -How do you think I am?
You've wrecked my chiIdhood memories...
...you Iove Ross more than me.
And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face.
Sweetheart, we Iove you just as much as Ross.
I'm sorry about what happened...
...and I probabIy can't make it up to you...
...but here's a start.
-What's this? -It's the key to my Porsche.
WeII, the key to your Porsche.
What?
What?!
I've considered getting rid of it. I saw my refIection the other day.
Your mother's right, I do Iook Iike an ass.
You're giving it to me? You're kidding.
WeII, wait a minute.
A coupIe of stupid boxes get wet, and she gets a Porsche?
-Let's take a drive? -AII right!
What about me? I'm a medicaI marveI!
Hey, guys.
Have you seen ChandIer's chair?
Joey broke it. He got rid of it.
Are you kidding? I get a Porsche and the BarcaIounger's gone?
This is the best day ever!
[ENGLISH]