Bye-bye.
I just got us reservations at MicheIIe's...
...and tickets to The Music Man to ceIebrate...
...our first hoIiday season as a betrothed coupIe.
-''Betrothed.'' -Betrothed coupIe.
-Hey! -Hi!
Pheebs?
SkuII?
Yeah, it's my mom's.
Oh, my God!
No, no, no. It's not my mom.
It beIonged to my mom.
She used to put it out every Christmas...
...to remind us that even though it's Christmas, peopIe stiII die.
And you can put candy in it.
-Hey. -Hey.
Licorice?
Sure.
-I get Ben for the hoIidays this year. -That's great!
-Are you gonna dress up as Santa? -Nope.
I mean, I know Susan does every year...
...but I want to take this year to teach him about Hanukkah.
And maybe I couId teach Ben...
...about the Christmas skuII and how peopIe die.
You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
Hey.
-Did you know he was in there? -No.
-How Iong have we been home? -About haIf an hour.
LoveIy.
The One With The HoIiday ArmadiIIo
You know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna...
...change your Iast name to ''Bing''?
No.
Why not?
''Bing'' is weird.
Yeah, I know what you mean. GeIIar!
Oh, hey, you guys.
Guess what. My IandIord just caIIed. My apartment's gonna be ready soon.
So I guess I'II be moving out.
Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you.
Yes, you wiII be very sad.
-I gotta go teII RacheI the good news. -You guys are gonna Iive together again?
-Yeah, why not? -She's just having so much fun with Joey...
...I just assumed she'd stiII be Iiving with him.
Why do you think she's having so much fun Iiving with Joey?
No reason, except she...
...toId me.
ReaIIy? She said she didn't want to Iive with me?
No. No, she didn't say that.
I think you shouId taIk to Monica now.
Phoebe, don't worry. I'm sure she wants to Iive with you.
You're sure? You're absoIuteIy sure?
No, but I'II bet she probabIy does.
Oh, probabIy?
I don't Iike that word.
I know what ''probabIy'' reaIIy means. Yeah, yeah.
''Oh, your mom probabIy won't kiII herseIf.''
You know, ''No, the funeraI director probabIy won't hit on you.''
''Yeah, that nice coupIe probabIy wiII adopt you.'' Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging aII my hopes...
...of RacheI and I Iiving together on ''probabIy.''
You gotta take care of yourseIf in this worId.
History teaches us nothing.
''Bing'' doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
Great, you're home.
Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas.
-Drums? -No, drums!
Hi, couId we get two burritos to go, pIease?
I'm sorry. But not that sorry, because you don't have to Iive with it.
We have a reservation under the name ChandIer Bing.
Okay, we'II have a tabIe for you in about 45 minutes.
Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to The Music Man at 8.
I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Is this because of the burrito thing?
-You need to give him money. -Give him money? It was a joke!
No. To get a tabIe. PIaces Iike this are aIways shaking you down.
-Everybody wants a payoff. -AII right, caIm down, O'MaIIey.
-I'II sIip him some money. -But you've got to be smooth about it.
Hey, I can be smooth.
We're in a bit of a hurry, so if you couId get us a tabIe...
...a IittIe quicker, I'd appreciate it.
-Of course, sir. -Okay.
-How'd it go? -Had the money in the wrong hand.
Hey. You don't feeI...
-...Iike you're gonna throw up, do you? -No.
WeII, I do. So Iet's....
So, Ben, you....
You know what hoIiday is coming up, don't you?
Christmas.
Yeah, and you know what other hoIiday is coming up?
Christmas Eve.
Yes, but aIso....
Hanukkah!
See, you're part Jewish, and Hanukkah is a Jewish hoIiday.
Santa has reindeers that can fIy.
Right, but on Hanukkah--
Hanukkah is a ceIebration of a miracIe.
See, years and years ago, there were these peopIe caIIed the Maccabees.
Okay, that's right. Yes...
...but on Hanukkah, we sing:
Okay, it's not a contest.
When is Santa coming?
How about this year, instead of Santa...
...we have fun ceIebrating Hanukkah?
No Santa?
Was I bad?
No. Oh, no, no. Hey, you weren't bad. You've been very good, Ben.
-Santa's mad at me. -No, hey, hey, come on.
Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay?
You're his favorite IittIe guy.
So Santa's coming?
Yes!
Santa's coming.
WiII he bring me an ant farm?
WiII you keep it at Mommy's?
-Okay. -Then sure!
Maybe this sIipping-him-money thing is not gonna work.
Maybe we shouId just wait.
You're the one who said you wouId die if you didn't see Music Man.
I didn't say ''die.''
I said ''cry.''
It's easy. Just keep it casuaI.
Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money.
-How do you know so much about this? -I don't know.
Richard used to do it, didn't he?
We'd be eating our soup right now.
Mustached bastard.
Okay, those peopIe just Ieft. Come on. Quick, give him the money.
Excuse me.
We're in a bit of a hurry. Can we...?
So you Iike the drums.
That's great.
You know, I was worried that they wouId create maybe...
...an unbearabIe Iiving situation.
But, okay, weII, apparentIy not. So, yay!
Hey, Pheebs, we aIready Iearned a song.
Ready? One, two, three, four.
TequiIa!
That's fun.
Here you go.
Thank you, Gunther. Put her there.
DefiniteIy not easier with coins.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-Hey, Pheebs. -Hey.
Here. Now I onIy owe you 49.50.
Hey, Pheebs...
...if you want to get Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire buiIding...
...why not get him something more subtIe...
...Iike a wrecking baII...
...or a viaI of smaIIpox to reIease in the haIIway?
It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes...
...Joey throws his sticks in the air...
...and I have to hear: ''Oh, my eye! Oh, God, my eye!''
-I mean, it is so annoying. -Yes, thank you.
You see, this is how normaI peopIe are supposed to react to drums.
Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy RacheI...
...so she wouIdn't want to Iive there anymore?
Maybe on some IeveI.
Joey, you know that you couId just not throw the sticks up in the air.
What is rock 'n' roII about that?
Hey, Joey, I got you another present.
HoId it! Before you teII me what it is....
Okay, what is it?
It's a...
...tarantuIa!
God, RacheI, I'm sorry. What was I thinking...
...giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider...
...in such a poorIy constructed cage?
What are you taIking about? I Iove them.
I had a tarantuIa when I was a kid. But it died because my cat ate it.
And then my cat died.
But, Joey, isn't this cooI?
Is it on me? I feeI Iike it's on me. I got--
Oh, isn't that adorabIe?
Joey is afraid of the tarantuIa.
He's so adorabIe.
God, he's just so much fun.
Joey's the best. I'm gIad you're having so much fun here.
Wait a minute.
What's the matter?
Our apartment is ready.
And that makes you angry because...?
Because you'd rather Iive here with Joey.
-Where did you get that? -Monica and ChandIer...
...said that you were having so much fun here...
...and apparentIy no amount of drums or tarantuIa is gonna change that.
Phoebe, did you get aII this stuff for Joey...
...to try and drive me out of the apartment?
You might as weII have just gotten him a fish.
You know how fish freak me out.
Fish.
But it wouIdn't have mattered. You and I are gonna Iive together.
We're roommates. That's the deaI.
Yes, but I wanted you to want to Iive with me.
But, okay, if you're having so much fun over here--
It's so much more fun with you.
-We did have fun, didn't we? -We had so much fun.
Remember the time we were pIaying with the SuperBaII...
...and we accidentaIIy threw it through the window and it broke?
I remember paying for the window, but I don't remember how it broke.
Yeah, stuff Iike that.
WeII, anyway, they say, if we want, we couId see it tonight.
-I wouId Iove to. -Yay, okay!
-Good, good, good. -Great. AII right. Good.
And Monica asked me to make the drumming stop.
Done.
HeIIo, sir. You here to return those pants?
No, these are my pants.
Okay.
-How can I heIp you? -Do you have a Santa outfit Ieft?
Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
-Did you try Costume City? -Yeah, I've tried everywhere.
-PIease, pIease. I mean, I'II pay extra. -Sorry. But...
...I do have 74 of them coming back on the 26th.
Okay, Iook. Do you have anything Christmas-y?
I promised my son, and I reaIIy don't want to disappoint him.
Come on, you gotta have something.
I'm the HoIiday ArmadiIIo!
I'm a friend of Santa's...
...and he sent me here to wish you...
...a merry Christmas!
What happened to Santa, HoIiday ArmadiIIo?
Santa was unavaiIabIe...
...so cIose to Christmas.
Come in, have a seat.
You must be exhausted, coming aII the way from Texas.
-Texas? -That's right, Ben.
I'm Santa's representative...
...for aII the Southern states.
And Mexico!
But Santa sent me here...
...to give you these presents, Ben.
Maybe the Iady wiII heIp me with these presents.
Wow, thanks!
You're weIcome, Ben.
Merry Christmas.
And happy Hanukkah!
Are you for Hanukkah too? Because I'm part Jewish.
You are? Me too.
Because armadiIIos aIso wandered in the desert?
You want to wander in the haII?
Hey, Ben!
What if the HoIiday ArmadiIIo...
...toId you aII about the FestivaI of Lights?
CooI!
Come on, Ben.
Years and years ago...
...there were these peopIe caIIed...
-...the Maccabees! -Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
-Santa! -Hey!
What are you doing here, Santa?
WeII, I'm here to see my oId buddy Ben.
What are you doing here...
...Weird TurtIe Man?
I'm the HoIiday ArmadiIIo...
...your part-Jewish friend.
You sent me here to give Ben some presents.
Remember?
What?
Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
You bet I did, Ben.
Put her there.
WeII, it wouId have worked this time if his hands weren't so damn smaII.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ben, why don't you come open more presents.
Santa, the armadiIIo and I wiII have a taIk in the kitchen.
There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
What are you doing?
You caIIed everyone and said you were having troubIe finding a Santa costume...
...so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
Thank you, but you gotta Ieave.
-Why? -Because...
...I'm finaIIy getting him excited about Hanukkah...
...and you're wrecking it.
But I didn't get to shake my beIIy Iike a bowIfuI of jeIIy.
I'm sorry, ChandIer, but this is reaIIy important to me.
Fine, I'II give the suit back.
Hey, you think you can keep it another night?
Santa? ReaIIy?
Yeah, is that okay?
Did your dad ever dress up Iike Santa?
-No. -Then it's okay!
Okay, Ben. Santa has to go.
Say goodbye.
No, why does he have to go?
Because if Santa and the HoIiday...
...ArmadiIIo...
...are ever in the same room for too Iong...
...the universe wiII impIode!
Merry Christmas!
No, why can't the armadiIIo Ieave? I want Santa.
Fine, I give up. Santa--
Santa can stay!
WeII, I'II stay...
...but onIy because I want to hear about Hanukkah.
Ben, wiII you sit here with Santa...
...and Iearn about Hanukkah?
Okay, Santa.
-Thank you. -You're weIcome.
AII right, it's time...
...for the story of Hanukkah.
Years and years ago...
...there were these peopIe caIIed the Maccabees!
Merry Christmas!
Oh, wow, Iook at this pIace!
Oh, this is terribIe.
They've made so many changes...
...I can't even feeI my grandmother's presence anymore.
Oh, new sconces!
-Oh, my God! -What?
Okay, remember how you toId me that your grandmother put up that waII...
-...to make that into two bedrooms? -Yeah.
And that the IandIord might find out...
-...and then tear it down? -Yeah?
Do you reaIIy not know where I'm going with this?
No, of course I do. What?
It Ieft. It's one huge room.
Oh, no!
Wow!
See?
I guess we'II just have to put the waII back up.
-You can't, because of the new skyIight. -There's a skyIight?
Wow!
So, what shouId we do? ShouId we start Iooking for a new pIace?
You know, I'm sensing...
...that my grandmother wouId not be comfortabIe with that.
Oh, yeah?
Starting to feeI her again there, are we?
-A IittIe bit. Yeah. -Yeah.
Pheebs, is your grandmother maybe saying that you shouId Iive here aIone?
You heard it too? You have the gift.
Phoebe, it's okay.
I Iike Iiving with Joey.
-Are you sure? -PIease. I hate packing...
...it's cIoser to work.
And we do have fun.
AIthough, I'm reaIIy gonna miss Iiving with you.
-Oh, me too. -I know.
Oh, wait. Did you hear that?
Listen. I'm getting something from your grandmother.
She said that since you get to keep the one-bedroom apartment...
...you shouId give RacheI the purpIe chair.
No, I do not hear that.
Oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, okay.
She didn't say ''chair,'' she said ''share.'' You shouId share the one-bedroom apartment.
Oh, the purpIe chair. No, yeah, I heard that.
And the miracIe was that that IittIe bit of oiI...
...that shouId have Iasted just one day, burned for....
-Eight whoIe days. -That's right.
And that's why we ceIebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
-Awesome. -Yeah.
My favorite part...
...was when Superman fIew aII the Jews out of Egypt.
The armadiIIo was actuaIIy not so thriIIed about that part.
Why is Santa kissing Aunt Monica?
Because Aunt Monica was very, very good this year.
Okay, Ben, it's time to Iight...
...the Hanukkah candIes!
Hey.
Wow! Looks Iike the Easter Bunny's funeraI in here.
Come on, come on. We're Iighting the candIes.
I understand why Superman is here...
...but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeraI?
-Did you get it? -I got it.
Is it back in the cage?
It's back in the cage.
Is the cage cIosed?
Joey, wiII you just come out here and stop being such a baby!
[ENGLISH]