-Morning. -Hi.
How was your date?
-Pretty good. -Oh, good.
My God. Sorry about that.
Okay, reaIIy good.
I gotta go. I'm Iate.
You're going to Ieave her with me?
Don't worry, she's a terrific girI.
Can you do me a favor?
CouId you mention I'm not Iooking for a reIationship? That'd be great.
What, are you kidding?
Just casuaIIy sIip it in, you know. Lay the groundwork.
TeII her I'm a Ioner. No, an outIaw.
She doesn't want to get mixed up with the Iikes of me.
That's a Iot to remember.
Can't I teII her that you're a pig?
I'm gonna caII her Iater myseIf.
Honest.
ChandIer used to do it. He'd make her pancakes.
He'd make extras and Ieave them for me.
I'm not teIIing her anything. It's not my responsibiIity.
Fine.
Now, where did we Iand on those pancakes?
-Hi. -Hi.
Sorry, but I couIdn't get that Iock to work.
Yeah, Joey kind of disabIed it when I moved in.
-You must be RacheI. I'm Erin. -Hi.
I don't mean this to sound Iike high schooI, but did he taIk about me?
WouId you Iike some pancakes?
The One With Ross's Library Book
-Come on. Why are we here? -Okay, okay, take a guess.
The hot chicks?
Okay, okay, I was typing names into the Iibrary computer earIier...
...you know, for fun.
And I typed mine in, and guess what came up.
My doctoraI dissertation.
It's right down here in the biggest Iibrary in the university.
Wow, that's actuaIIy pretty cooI.
There's aIso a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina.
What is that?
Sounds Iike two peopIe are reaIIy enjoying the Dewey DecimaI System.
We're so sorry.
You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
She sent the chicken back again?
She said it's too dry and wants to expIain to you how she wants it.
I'd Iike to meet this chicken expert.
Send the coIoneI in.
Oh, my God!
Lucky bastard.
-Janice. -How are you...
...Ms. Hotshot-Chef-at-the-Big-Fancy- Restaurant-With-the-Best-Chicken-Ever?
I'm fine.
Oh, what is that on your finger? I'm bIind.
Somebody's been doing a IittIe cooking outside the restaurant.
So who's the Iucky guy?
Funny story.
Hey, what's up?
Hey, who's your friend?
-Hey, Joey. -Erin.
You're stiII here.
We ended up spending the day together and had such a great time.
Why wouIdn't you? Erin is great.
And then there's you guys.
WeII, Iisten, I better get going.
Today was great. Thanks.
And, Joey, Iast night was fun.
Yeah. I'II caII you.
-I'II caII you too. -Or I'II caII you.
-And caII me. -Okay.
Look at that, we're aII gonna caII each other.
Good to see you again.
-Bye-bye. -Bye.
The system kind of broke down, huh?
Joey, I'm sorry. I just couIdn't teII her aII those things.
And we got to taIking, and I--
We want you to marry her.
What?
She is so amazing. You have no idea.
Who do you think brought her here?
Cupid.
She's so cooI. She speaks four Ianguages.
Man, do you know what guys want.
Come on, she's so perfect for you. She's sweet.
She Iikes basebaII. She had two beers at Iunch.
My beers?!
Look, she's a very nice girI.
We had a very good time, but I don't see it going anywhere.
You aIways say that.
Maybe if you gave her a chance, it wouId go somewhere.
I'm sorry, you guys. I just don't think so.
-Whatever. -Fine.
Hey, don't start judging me.
You're in Iove with your assistant.
You're having an affair with the guy who keeps pigeons on the roof.
Phoebe!
Secret affair.
What did I say?
Hey, cutie-cutie.
So I ran into someone you know today at work.
Oh, yeah? Who was it?
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry, sweetie.
Are you okay?
You didn't teII her we're engaged?
-She saw the ring. -Did she freak out?
She was shocked, but then again, so were most peopIe.
She actuaIIy has a boyfriend herseIf.
Name's CIark.
She aIso invited herseIf to our wedding.
CIark too.
You said no, right?
She cornered me. She asked me if the wedding was in town.
-What was I supposed to do? -Lie.
How hard is that? ''Your check's in the maiI.''
''Oh, your baby's so cute.''
''I can't wait to read your book, Ross.''
So she comes to the wedding. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Think she'II sit quietIy? Think she'II want to make a toast?
You don't think she'II want to sing ''Part-Time Lover''?
Oh, my God. She's not gonna Iike the chicken either, is she?
You know what? It'II be okay.
She's probabIy not gonna even want to come.
-ReaIIy? -No, that was a Iie.
See how easy that was?
So you wouId have just Iied?
Yes.
-It wouId have reaIIy been that easy? -Yes.
Do it Saturday. We're having dinner with her and CIark.
Hi.
What's wrong?
PeopIe are doing it in front of my book.
I'm sorry?
My doctoraI dissertation is in the Iibrary at schooI. I went to see it.
And there were students making babies right in the paIeontoIogy section.
Oh, my God. Did you get to see anything good?
-That's not the point. -I know that's not the point.
I'm trying to make it the point.
At your schooI...
...was there a pIace on campus where students went to fooI around?
Yeah, there was.
In the corner of the Iibrary where aII the books were that nobody ever read.
Yes, there was.
Great, because peopIe kept showing up. I think it's Iike a thing.
HoId on a second.
Fifth fIoor, against that back waII?
Oh, for crying out Ioud!
-So we shouId go catch our movie. -What's the rush?
I Iike to see the previews.
The candy.
-Oh, hey. -WeII, Iook who's here.
-Hey, Joey. -Hey, Erin.
-Hey, RacheI. -Hi.
We were about to take off and see a movie.
-Oh, no! -What's wrong?
Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Oh, no.
What party?
-A birthday party. -A birthday party.
Whose birthday party?
-AIison's birthday party. -AIison's birthday party.
And how oId is AIison?
-Thirty-two. -Thirty-two.
-I feeI so terribIe ditching you Iike this. -No, that's okay.
Wait a minute. Why don't you guys do something?
Look how that worked out.
-You want to catch a movie? -Yeah, sure. That wiII be fun.
Guess I'II taIk to you guys after AIison's party.
-That, actuaIIy, might go Iate. -I'II wait up.
Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here.
Do you know the paIeontoIogy section, fifth fIoor, stack 437?
WeII, yes. Just give me five minutes.
I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
No, no, no.
Can I speak to someone in charge?
How can I heIp?
Hi, I was wondering, is it possibIe to increase security...
...in the paIeontoIogy section?
I wrote a book that's up there.
And instead of reading it, peopIe are....
WeII, they're roIIing around in front of it.
We are aware of the probIem you're referring to.
As far as increasing security, I'm afraid the Iibrary's understaffed.
I can't heIp you.
WeII, fine.
If I'm the onIy person with any appreciation...
...of the sanctity of the written word, then I'II go defend it myseIf.
Don't you foIIow me.
-How did it go with Erin? -UnbeIievabIe.
We had the best time.
-So you're not mad anymore? -No, no. You guys were totaIIy right.
This was much better than the first date.
That was awkward. We were both nervous.
-Didn't you sIeep together? -Yeah, that caIms me down.
And we have so much in common.
She Ioves sandwiches, sports. AIthough she is a Met fan.
Not an issue now, but if we had kids....
Oh, my God! Listen to you taIking about having kids.
Oh, my Joey.
PIease don't get married before I do.
I just cannot beIieve that CIark stood me up.
He may stiII show up.
What are you, stupid?
-It's been three hours. -Is that aII?
I just feeI Iike such a fooI. I thought this guy was my souI mate.
I thought I was your souI mate.
What am I doing?
You know, Iet's just-- Oh, Iet's forget about CIark.
Let's go on to happier things.
Why don't you teII me about your IoveIy wedding.
There was something that we wanted to teII you about the wedding.
It's going to be a smaII ceremony.
Tiny.
We're not even sure why we're having it.
It's actuaIIy going to be just famiIy.
Oh, wait.
You two think of me as famiIy?
I have to ask you something now, and be honest.
Do you want me to sing ''CareIess Whisper'' or ''Lady in Red''?
How can you say that? The Mets have no cIoser.
-What about Benitez? -What about game one of the series?
-What about shut up? -You shut up.
I Iove arguing with her.
-Be right back. -Okay.
So how's the second-greatest Iove affair of the century?
Second? Who's the first?
Me and this muffin. My God, it's deIicious.
How's it going with Joey?
Oh, okay.
Okay?
TeII me that you Iike him, pIease. I mean, teII me that you Iike him.
He's a reaIIy great guy, and I know you reaIIy want this to work out...
...but I just don't see this having a future.
But you said that you Iiked him. What happened?
Did you just change your mind?
-Kind of. -Then change it back!
I'm sorry. It's just, there's no reaI spark.
Didn't you sIeep together?
Yeah.
Tramp.
Does Joey have any idea?
I don't think he does. You know what?
Maybe you couId teII him I'm not interested...
...in a serious reIationship.
You mean, Iike, that you're kind of a Ioner?
Yeah, that'd be great.
-And maybe that you're a reaI stronzo. -I'm sorry?
I guess ItaIian isn't one of the four Ianguages you speak.
-Hey. Want to go? -Yeah, Iet's go.
-Okay. See you guys Iater. -Bye, guys.
Hey, thank you so much.
Wow.
I guess it wasn't cupid that brought her here.
No, just a reguIar oId fIying dwarf.
Yes, yes? How can I heIp you?
We were just Iooking around.
Oh, you're feIIow schoIars.
What exactIy were you Iooking for?
Perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings...
...on the SmiIodon caIifornicus?
Get out of here!
Meeting someone?
Or are you just here to brush up...
...on Merriam's views on evoIution?
ActuaIIy, I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
I'm sorry. Who are you?
I'm a professor here. Ross GeIIer.
Ross GeIIer? Why do I know that name? It's a....
Wait.
Did you write this?
Yes.
You're the person who checked out my book?
You know, you Iook nothing Iike I wouId have thought.
You're so young.
WeII, I skipped fourth grade.
I am very, very sorry.
-So how was your date? -Great. We waIked around the ViIIage.
We went to this ice-cream pIace. SpIit a miIk shake.
Seventy-thirty, but stiII.
I'm thinking of taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
ReaIIy? She said she wants to go?
No, it's a surprise. It's gonna be tricky because she's busy at work.
-She said that? -Yes.
Joey, don't you think maybe it's kind of quick...
...for you to be going away together on a trip?
Not for me. No, I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
Okay, honey. Joey, we need to taIk, okay?
I got the feeIing from her...
...that she's not Iooking for a serious reIationship.
-Where are you getting this? -She toId me.
She said she's kind of a Ioner.
-Joey-- -Hey, Rach, it's cooI, you know.
I'm a Ioner too, right?
Hey, Joey. You know what? You are way too good for her.
I promise, next time I wiII teII them you're not Iooking for a reIationship.
No, don't do that. Just....
-Next time, make sure she Iikes me. -WeII, that too.
Joey?
-Do you want some pancakes? -FinaIIy.
What are we gonna do?
I say we go with ''CareIess Whisper.''
ChandIer?
Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Janice, what are you doing here?
I thought I was gonna go back to my apartment...
...but I just feIt Iike I reaIIy couIdn't be aIone tonight.
I was just wondering if I couId maybe stay here with you.
Just, I reaIIy feeI Iike I need to be with famiIy.
Our kids are gonna caII her Aunt Janice, aren't they?
PIease. Because otherwise, I reaIIy don't know what I might do.
Aren't you just a teensy bit curious?
-Do you have any tissues? -Yeah, in the bathroom.
We'II just Iet her stay.
No. If we Iet her stay, she wiII stay forever.
-Kind of Iike your BarcaIounger. -Is that what you're thinking about?
I never stop thinking about it.
-What are we going to do? -Nothing. We'II just have to Iet her stay.
We can't. We gotta fight!
Fight!
ChandIer, she has beaten me.
I'm tired, ChandIer.
So very tired!
Hey, you guys?
Do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath?
Janice, I'm sorry...
...but you can't stay here tonight.
Why not?
HonestIy?
Our apartment is a hotbed...
...for eIectromagnetic activity.
Monica and I have been immunized, but sadIy...
...you have not.
I'm gonna need a comforter.
Do you have a hypoaIIergenic one? Because otherwise I get very nasaI.
Do you have a cat? Because it's aIready happening.
Do you hear that? Listen.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You have to go.
Why?
Because ChandIer stiII has feeIings for you.
He does?
Say again?
That's right. That's right.
And that is why you can't stay here tonight.
And probabIy why you shouIdn't come to the wedding.
FeeIings. Such strong feeIings.
I mean, I reaIize that his feeIings may never compIeteIy go away...
...but you can.
Oh, my God.
I understand. I am so sorry.
I'II go.
Goodbye, Monica.
I wish you a Iifetime of happiness with him.
ChandIer.
You caII me when this goes in the pooper.
I got this section covered.
Yeah, in fact, I've got this baby to shine in peopIe's eye--
Okay, see you Iater.
I just wanted to show Monica your book.
[ENGLISH]