We learned one thing, Cheese:
Cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix.
You can say that again, Mac.
I couldn't have done it alone. You're a genius.
Oh, yeah? Well, how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 1 2:00?
What did you guys think?
-Hey, the phone. -I got it. I got it.
HoId on. It's your mom.
-It's Mommy. -That's nice.
Ma. So, what did you think?
WeII...
...that was okay.
It wasn't the best.
That was one of the worst things ever...
...and not just on TV.
-What shouId we say? -The Iighting was okay.
You got Iighting Iast time. Lighting is mine.
I have costumes.
That means I'm stuck with:
''So we were watching you in there and you were sitting right here.''
-What about you? -I don't know.
I can't Iie to him again. Oh, no, I-- No.
I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
-And say nothing? -Yeah, that's right.
My foIks reaIIy Iiked it.
What did you guys think?
It wasn't that good.
The One With RacheI's Assistant
Do you think that your favorite animaI says much about you?
You mean behind my back?
You'II never beIieve what happened to me today.
-I am sitting in my office-- -You guys!
Guess what my agent just said?
I'm in the middIe of a story here.
Sorry, you finish.
I'm sitting in my office, and guess who waIks in.
I'm gonna be on two TV shows.
That's great.
-Joey. -You weren't finished?
Yeah, ''Guess who waIks into my office'' is my story.
RaIph Lauren waIked into my office.
If you're starting another story, at Ieast Iet me finish mine.
It's the same story.
It's reaIIy Iong.
RaIph just came in to teII me that he's so happy with my work...
...that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for PoIo retaiI.
-StiII get a discount on wedding gowns? -Yeah.
I'm so happy for you.
These reaIIy are the ''days of our Iives.''
-What? -WeII, since you ask....
They want me back on Days of Our Lives.
I get a big pay raise!
Oh, hey!
I'II be pIaying Drake Ramoray's twin brother, Stryker.
I get to hire my own assistant.
I got a head rush from standing up too fast.
You were at this job four years?
-That's right. -This is aII very impressive, HiIda.
I just have one Iast question for you:
How did I do? Was this okay?
-What? -I've never interviewed anyone.
I've never had anyone work for me.
When I was a kid we had a maid, but this isn't the same.
No, dear, it's not.
And I know that.
WeII, thank you so much for coming in.
-Nice to meet you. -Good meeting you.
AII right.
I'm a totaI pro.
HeIIo.
Hi, yes, I'm sorry. The modeIs are down the haII.
I'm here about the assistant job.
ReaIIy?
Okay, weII, then, aII right. WeII, just have a seat there.
So, what's your name?
Tag Jones.
Go on.
That's it. That's my whoIe name.
That's your whoIe name. Of course it is.
Okay, Iet's just have a Iook-see here.
I haven't worked in an office before. I don't have much experience--
What are you taIking about? You got three years painting houses...
...two whoIe summers at TGI Friday's.
It's Iame, I know.
But I'm a goaI-oriented person, eager to Iearn--
Just hoId on a second, pIease.
It's for human resources. Everybody has to. WouId you stand up?
No, no, no.
Hey.
-Anyway, I shouId go. -Okay. Bye.
-Hey, sweetie. -Hi, sweetie.
What was with aII the whispering?
I can't teII you. It's a secret.
Secret? Married peopIe aren't supposed to have secrets.
We Iove and respect one another too much.
But stiII, no.
We shouId teII each other everything. I don't have secrets from you.
ReaIIy? So teII me what happened to Ross junior year at DisneyIand.
No, I can't do that.
I'II teII you what Phoebe said.
-Okay. -Okay.
So Ross and I are going to DisneyIand.
We stop at this restaurant for tacos.
When I say ''restaurant,'' I mean a guy, a hibachi and the trunk of his car.
So Ross has about 1 0 tacos.
Anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feeI a IittIe iffy.
Oh, my God. He threw up?
No, he visited a town a IittIe south of throw up.
-No. -Yeah.
Some of the empIoyees decided to rename the park...
...the ''Crappiest PIace on Earth.''
What was Phoebe's secret?
Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe's oId massage pIace, is getting fired.
That's it? I gave up my DisneyIand story for that?
That's right. You Iose, sucker!
PIease stiII marry me.
You have an assistant, right?
Did she caII?
You toId her I was sick, right? AIways teII her I am sick.
No, I just don't know, how do you decide who to hire?
I have it down to two peopIe.
One has great references and a Iot of experience.
-And then there's this guy.... -What about him?
I Iove him.
He's so pretty I want to cry.
I don't know what to do.
Come on, you know what to do. You hire the first one.
Don't hire assistants because they're cute. Do it because they're quaIified.
I hear you. You make a Iot of sense. Can I just say one more thing?
Look how pretty.
Let me see.
Oh, my God.
Oh. But no.
No. You can't hire him, because it's not professionaI.
This is for me, yes?
Okay, you're right. I'II hire HiIda tomorrow.
Dumb, oId, perfect-for-the-job HiIda.
Let me see.
Don't show this to Monica.
And don't teII her about the:
-Hey, Joey. -Hey, Terry.
-Nice to see you again. -Been a whiIe.
Funny, these haIIs Iook smaIIer than they used to.
It's a different buiIding.
So...
...Stryker Ramoray, huh?
-When do I start? -How about right now?
Okay.
Here are the audition scenes.
I thought you were offering me the part.
Why?
I was Dr. Drake Ramoray, Stryker's twin brother.
Who Iooks more Iike me than me, right?
Everybody has to audition.
You know, Terry, I don't reaIIy need to do this.
I got my own cabIe TV series...
...with a robot.
I'm sorry, Joey. That's the way it is.
WeII...
...I guess you think you're pretty speciaI.
Sitting up here in your fancy, smaII-haIIed buiIding...
...making stars jump through hoops for you.
WeII, you know what?
This is one star whose hoop--
This is the star the hoop-- This hoop--
I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!
Hi, Tag. What are you doing here?
I came to thank you for not Iaughing in my face yesterday.
I noticed there aren't any pIants, so I brought you your first--
There is a pIant in your office.
Kind of.
-And that was there yesterday, wasn't it? -Yeah.
I got it the same time I got that one.
Right.
So I guess I shouIdn't put ''good at noticing stuff'' on my résumé.
-Thank you. -Anyway...
...I'm guessing you hired somebody.
WeII....
Gotcha.
Thanks again for meeting with me.
But I hired you.
-What? -Yeah, you got the job.
-You're my new assistant. -I am?
Yeah.
-I can't beIieve it. -Me either.
-RacheI, thank you so much. -Oh, big hug.
-ReaIIy? -No, handshake.
Okay, Iet's get started.
First, I need you to go downstairs...
...find a woman named HiIda and teII her to go home.
-Hey. -Hey, good, you're home.
AIways nicer to hear than, ''Oh, crap, you again.''
Hey, sweetie. I made you a surprise.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, tacos.
Ever since that story I've had such a craving for them.
Did you not understand the story?
-Hey. -Hey, what's up?
Nothing. Just figuring out what to do for dinner.
Hey, what's that? Dinner stuff? You making dinner?
No.
What's over there? Tacos?
No. No.
They're just.... They're ground beef smiIeys.
Those are tacos.
Excuse me, Mr. Mexico.
Either way, I'II pass. StiII can't eat those.
What's so funny?
I'm not Iaughing.
You toId her!
Nancy Thompson's getting fired.
Okay, okay. I had food poisoning. It's not Iike I chose to do it!
It's not Iike I said, ''What wouId make this ride more fun?''
Right. You're right, I'm sorry. I shouIdn't be Iaughing.
I shouId be Iaying down papers for you.
-How couId you? -I had to. We're getting married.
Married coupIes can't keep secrets.
I guess Monica shouId know about AtIantic City.
Dude!
-What happened? -ChandIer and I are in a bar...
Did you not hear me say, ''Dude!''?
...and this girI is making eyes at ChandIer.
So he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing.
Now, you're thinking ''He's not the type to go to bars and make out with girIs.''
And you're right. He's not the type...
...to go to bars and make out with girIs.
You kissed a guy?
Oh, my God!
In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Oh, Mon, I Iaughed so hard--
So hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.
Joey, do you think your favorite animaI says a Iot about you?
No, because goats can't taIk.
-Hi. -Hey.
How's HiIda working out?
Oh, my new assistant is working out. Yes.
She happy she got the job?
My new assistant was very happy that I hired my new assistant.
HeIIo.
Oh, hey! Can you hang on a second?
It's the producers at Mac and Cheese, if you'II excuse me for a minute.
Hey, funny you shouId caII. I was just Iooking over next week's script.
CanceIed!
Like they're taking it off the air?
AII right. I'II see you Monday.
We're not even shooting them anymore?
AII right. Bye.
They canceIed Mac and Cheese!
-Sorry. -Sorry, Joey.
Why wouId they do that? It was a good show, right?
You want to teII secrets? Okay. In coIIege...
...Ross used to wear Ieg warmers.
AII right, ChandIer entered a VaniIIa Ice Iook-aIike contest and won.
Ross came in fourth and cried!
-I weIIed up. -Oh, my God!
Oh, is that funny? You find that funny?
Maybe ChandIer shouId know your secrets too.
I aIready toId him everything. You shush!
Once she was sent to bed without dinner...
...so she ate the macaroni off a jeweIry box she'd made.
Ross stayed home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls.
Monica couIdn't teII time untiI she was 1 3.
It's hard for some peopIe!
Of course it is.
Wow.
-ChandIer wore my underwear to work once! -Hey!
I'm sorry, I couIdn't think of any more for Ross.
In coIIege, ChandIer got drunk...
...and sIept with the Iady who cIeaned our dorm.
That was you.
Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.
I can't beIieve this!
Mac and Cheese was a great show.
How about that scene where Mac teaches Cheese how to yodeI? Come on!
Yeah, I actuaIIy Iiked that part.
How couId this happen to me?
Yesterday I had two TV shows. Today I got nothing.
Wait a minute, what happened to Days of our Lives?
WeII, they might be a IittIe mad at me over there.
What happened?
WeII, maybe I got a IittIe upset, and maybe I toId them where they couId go.
Joey, why wouId you do that?
Because! They wanted me to audition.
You? An actor? That's madness!
RacheI Green's office.
Tag.
Hi, who was that?
Nobody. I was just practicing.
ReaIIy?
-Hi. -Hi, RacheI Green's office.
You must be HiIda.
He's Tag. This is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a sec?
Phoebe.
-That's a great name. -Oh, you Iike that?
-You shouId hear my phone number. -Okay. We'II be right back.
So you hired yourseIf a IittIe treat, did you?
I know how it Iooks, but I am teIIing you--
You can't get invoIved with your assistant.
I know that, and I know hiring him was not the smartest thing I've ever done.
But from now on, I swear this is strictIy professionaI.
-Yes. -Hey, RacheI.
Hi.
Cute assistant. What's his story?
-Is he.... -Gay? Yeah.
Hey, Terry.
Joey Tribbiani.
Surprised your big head couId fit through our smaII haIIs.
-I gotta go, Joey. -Wait, Terry! Look.
I'm reaIIy sorry about before.
I was an idiot, thinking I'm too big to audition for you.
-Give me another chance. -I can't.
Wait, Terry, pIease!
Look, I just Iost my other job, okay?
You have no idea how much I need this.
PIease, heIp me out.
For oId times' sake.
This guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeIess.
It's not. Dr. Stryker Ramoray is a miracIe worker.
Here he comes.
Good morning.
Drake, it's your brother, Stryker. Can you hear me?
And cut.
I'm back, baby!
You know, in my defense...
...there was no gIitter on the macaroni and very IittIe gIue.
And in my defense, the cIeaning Iady came on to me.
-Do you have troubIe teIIing time now? -No.
-Quick, what time is it? -Time to kiss a guy?
What are you Iaughing at, Pampers?
You know when I said married peopIe...
...shouId share everything and not have any secrets?
-Yeah. -Yeah, that was stupid. Let's not do that.
AbsoIuteIy.
-I'm on board. -Thank you. Thank you.
We shouId keep the stuff we toId each other secret from everyone eIse.
Yeah, definiteIy.
Okay. If you'II excuse me...
...I'm gonna hang out with peopIe who don't know the Space Mountain story.
-Then I'd steer cIear of Phoebe. -Man!
Not that you wouId, but I wouIdn't hang out with the guys at my office.
Hi.
-Do you have a minute? -Sure. What's up?
I got asked out twice today whiIe I was at Iunch...
...by guys.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
Did you teII someone that I was gay?
Oh, did you not want peopIe to know that?
I'm not gay. I especiaIIy wouIdn't want you to think I was gay.
Why is that?
-I don't think I shouId say. -Oh, you can say.
Come on, I don't want you to feeI Iike you can't teII me things.
-Okay. -Okay.
-WeII.... -Yeah.
I'd Iove to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Yeah, she's gay.
[ENGLISH]